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The Dating Den

Each week on the podcast, I’ll be interviewing the world’s top experts in attraction, dating, communication, sex, and relationships, as well as coaching real women LIVE, through their real life dating challenges… that are probably a lot like yours!
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Jan 28, 2018

Do you keep repeating old patterns even though you know it’s not what you want?

 

Do you search for a partner that helps you play out issues from your past?

 

This week I welcome Dr. Sheldon Kardener back into the Den. I am in awe of his deep understanding of how emotional complexes can be developed and how they can be treated. He currently serves as a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and he is the Author of the incredibly insightful book, Breaking Free: How Chains From Childhood Keep Us From What We Want.

 

Dr. Kardener’s philosophy is that from the beginnings of our lives we have behaviors and patterns and emotional expectations from our early relationships and it shapes the way we function and over time we start to realize undesired outcomes. During this episode, he shares his strategies for how to get rid of the past and find a healthy relationship!

 

How are we chained to our past? [3:48]

 

If something in our past saved us emotionally we can cling to it forever even if we no longer need it in our lives. If the pattern we are clinging to is dysfunctional we will see problems in our relationships as adults. We may even recognize the issue but be unable to break free of it. 

 

Recognize the need to optimize instead of beating yourself up!

 

Steps to Get Rid of the Overplayed Script That is Your Life [10:20]

 

We have a deep emotional investment in our stories. Because we feel lost without them and we don't know how to fill in the gaps if we let that shit go. It can feel like we have lost our way of being in the world.  Even if we make a shift we may be so uncomfortable in the new situation that we try to invoke our old story in an attempt to comfort ourselves.

 

4 Strategies to Gain Connection and Intimacy [21:20]

 

1. Name the nature of the conflict you are in with the other person.

2. Consider what are you doing that maintains the ongoing conflict?

3. Quit the game and let go of the story.

4. Create a new pattern.

 

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Breaking Free: How Chains From Our Past Keep Us From Getting What We Want, by Sheldon Kardener and Monika Olafsson Kardener

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