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The Dating Den

Each week on the podcast, I’ll be interviewing the world’s top experts in attraction, dating, communication, sex, and relationships, as well as coaching real women LIVE, through their real life dating challenges… that are probably a lot like yours!
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Now displaying: December, 2016
Dec 18, 2016

Are you one of those women…

You know, you’re a badass in every other part of your life but…

When it comes to attracting men, flirting and dating…

You feel like the red-headed step child and you lose your mojo? (Yes, women have mojo!)

Then this is definitely for you!

Do you feel helpless and frustrated because the men you

date disappear and it makes you doubt yourself… even though normally you would never give it a second thought?

Do you, for some unknown reason, lack the confidence to attract the men you really want... or they feel like they're out of your league?

Relax. You are definitely NOT the only one!

Many women have incredible jobs, are adventurous, take risks and are confident in most areas of their lives. So, with all that confidence and prowess why do they find it so hard to communicate with a guy on a date?

Today’s coaching session is with Julie. Julie is a smart, well-traveled woman who lives in Europe. She was previously married for 4 years to an alcoholic, who passed away two days after their divorce was final. Julie is stuck and during our call, realizes she is afraid of being vulnerable and she shuts down when she really likes someone. I coach Julie through changing her story and learning to lean into her authenticity.

 

Battling the Fear of Rejection  [5:30]

 

Julie has an aha moment when she realizes she never really fit in when she was younger. She didn’t have a boyfriend and she wasn’t invited to parties. She now fears rejection so she tries to protect herself by thinking too much. She considers each answer she gives on a date and finds it hard to come from an authentic place. When she likes a guy she gets nervous and sometimes clams up completely in an attempt to make him prove that he likes her.

Everything we take in and send out is filtered through our own personal perspectives.

 

Getting Out of the Phone Booth and Reinforcing Your Barstool [12:17]

 

A lot of smart women find validation and worthiness through their work.  Julie gets a lot of her validation through her adventures, travels and risks.  

Julie is like a three-legged bar stool. One well-supported leg of the stool is how she confidently lives her life. The second strong leg of the stool is Julie’s confidence in her work life. The third leg of Julie’s stool is wobbly and that is her fear of rejection.

 

Get Rejection Proof [25:41]

 

Rejection proof is not fearing rejection. Julie practicing little ways to be more vulnerable without worrying about what happens.

 

In order for Julie to get rejection proof in her dating life. She needs to:

Change her language when she talks about her availability.

Change her language when she talks about her previous relationship.

Make sure she is not ‘spotlighting’ or oversharing.

Be authentic Julie at home, work and on dates.

 

Just telling someone you are excited to hear from them is sharing a small vulnerability.

 

Creating a Safety Net [33:11]

 

Women’s brains are constantly looking for control and safety. On a date, Julie should stay present in the moment, take guys off the pedestal and collect data about her companion.  

When she feels like she might be screwing it all up Julie should ask herself “How true is that really?”

The story you make up about yourself impacts what and how you do things.

 

Julies Key Takeaways are:

She is afraid to be vulnerable because she might screw things up.

In the future, she will remember she is a strong confident woman who is open to possibilities.

She is going to lean into her authenticity.

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Dec 11, 2016

You want and deserve a great man… right?

A real man that adores you and genuinely cares about you...

Not some commitment-phobic, quality casual guy that loses interest after you have sex and doesn’t answer your texts...

Are you sick of wasting your time on an unavailable man?

You invest a whole bunch of time and effort into him, then suddenly you discover he’s “not looking for commitment” or “too busy at work” or “still getting over someone else.”

Have you dated the guy who tries to make you see reason when you are feeling emotional?

Or, do you ever feel dismissed by your partner? In this episode, we learn how to create the relationship of our dreams by knowing our attachment style. This method is so cool because it gives you the power to take care of yourself!

Today’s guest expert is Iris Benrubi. She is a Mensan with Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology. She has spent the last 16 years coaching and counseling women and men from all over the world on how to find love. She authored the #1 Amazon best-selling book, Lonely and Single to Loved and Adored.  I just love her because she has a no-nonsense approach and she is humorous and witty! Her work has been featured on Slice TV, Women’s Network TV and she is the host of the Awakened Relationship Summit.

 

The Attachment Model  [2:45]

Most people’s Attachment Style is learned from the type of relationship they had with their parents. It shows up in adult relationships. People end up mimicking what they learned from their family.

What are the Attachment Styles?

 

1. The Secure Attachment Style

a. Mainly children who grew up with consistent, emotionally available parents.

b. These people find a mate and work on relationships.

c. 15% of people in the general population.

 

2. The Anxious Attachment Style

a. Children with inconsistent parents.

b. These people are constantly assessing the relationship.

c. These people become cling-ons.

d. They keep trying and trying to make a relationship work.

 

3. The Avoidant Attachment Style

a. Children with consistently emotionally unavailable parents.

b. These people often pull back.

c. These people make up a large percentage of the dating pool.

 

4. The Disorganized Attachment Style

a. Children who had a parent with whom they could never succeed or measure up.

b. These people constantly push and pull.

 

Focus on how you manage anxiety in a relationship.

 

Is My Relationship Just An Unhealthy Attachment?  [16:50]

People have a need to belong. They want to attach to someone who can see them, hear them and understand them but sometimes they attach to unhealthy people.

We are ultimately trying to be connected with our primary love person.

Look at your attachment style, if you get too needy or clingy, your partner can’t deal with you, because you are too big of a burden.

The more you understand you are valuable, lovable, and you know you want the relationship to work out, the easier it is for you to deal with the anxiety that happens in new relationships. YOUR job is to manage your anxiety.

 

How Do I Manage My Anxiety? [24:29]

By identifying your attachment style a person can manage their own emotions. It is also important to articulate your needs, so your partner knows how to help. The key is to be responsible for yourself. Your partner is not responsible for your distress. If they love you enough, they may shift and do something different to help you manage your anxiety.

 

Understanding Your Level of Attachment  [25:33]

Find someone who is really important to you and see how you react when they don’t text you back. How do you feel? How do you handle your anxiety?

People don’t shift dramatically from one attachment style to another.  As you evolve, unhealthy and insecure attachment diminishes and secure attachment increases.

 

How Do I Use This Information to Make My Dates Better? [27:46]

On the first few dates, gauge the other person’s attachment style. This will tell you how they will respond if there is ever tension in the relationship. Be transparent and simply say, “I do best with daily communication,” then you can see if they can step in and give you what you need.

The biggest cause of tension in a relationship is when your partner is not willing to step in when you are feeling uncomfortable or unhappy.

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Let Love In

Dec 7, 2016

I get this question all the time...

Let’s say you’ve been seeing this great guy for a minute... you really like each other and things have been progressing,

but lately things have slowed down or even stopped moving forward...

How long should you wait for him to make a commitment??

If you are wondering the same thing ...

You are definitely not alone!

That’s why it’s the subject of this week’s Dating Den podcast with my awesome co-host Christian Anderson!

The thing is, your man may have different ideas about the progression of your relationship...

How quickly (or not) things should be moving...

So, what does a good progression look like from a man’s point of view [1:10]?

Actually, slow from the beginning is healthy for both of you!

Big jumps in the timeline are usually red flags [1:35]

Over the first few months you might be moving toward having at least one date a week…

Eventually spending time with each others friends..

Maybe even spending the holiday’s together!

But what does it mean when the progression stops [2:30]?

Is there a right to have the commitment conversation?

To decide if you want to stay in or get out...

What is the end of the honeymoon phase [3:22]?

Find out all these answers and more on today’s Dating Den Podcast.

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Dec 3, 2016

Ahh the magical ‘First Date’....

Even hearing the words can fill your body with a sense of HOPE...

Your veins work overtime to send a rush of dopamine to your brain....

You literally can’t wait!

You spend a long time getting ready, choosing the right outfit...

You get all your grooming done and maybe even break out something special... a specific piece of jewelry or a new perfume...

You’re excited but nervous...

Could this be it?

Are you going to start dating this great guy and become the envy of your friends?

Will this be the last ‘first date’ you ever go on?

It’s okay – we all do it!

You remind yourself to have an open mind... to not let the mistakes and missteps of the past weigh you down...

And yet... there they are.

Every time you felt judged, criticized, or even rejected...

The last time you got hurt...

You tell yourself this time is going to be different...

This time you are going to leave your baggage behind and have an open mind...

This time you are going to find LOVE…

 

My guest today, Sam, is a Human Rights lawyer.  She dates a lot but can’t seem to find anyone she is interested in.

 

If a man is interested in her she runs away or isn’t attracted to him.  And when she is interested, she has a tendency to sabotage her first dates.

 

In this episode we dive into what Sam needs to do to get the man and relationship her heart desires--a deeply committed relationship with a soulmate who has a passion for good causes and wants to change the world.

 

 

Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men [2:15]

 

Sam’s last serious relationship ended with her feeling like she gave more than received. She admits she struggles with communicating her needs and getting her needs met.

 

Even though Sam’s father supported her career goals and encouraged her to be the best person possible he was still emotionally unavailable. When Sam goes on a date her inner child is still searching for the love she never received from her father.

 

Sam needs to break free from her unhealthy patterns.

 

There is no such thing as perfect parenting.  

 

You Are Worthy of Receiving Love & You Are Enough!  [11:11]

 

Staying in the ‘Giver’ role is an unconscious game Sam plays with herself because it’s easy. Deep down she is afraid to receive love because she believes she isn’t worthy of it.

 

The safety of the giving role is that you never have to be vulnerable.  

 

Sam has an imagined fear of being judged, criticized and getting hurt. Rejection feels very personal and makes her feel like she is not enough. If she did put herself out there she would feel like she failed.

 

She has made herself a vulnerability trap. -She is collecting evidence that is working against her.

 

Practice Receiving Love [17:50]

 

Sam says she gets an out of control feeling that she is not safe. It feels like ice in her chest. She pushes away and gets defensive. She dismisses men’s affection and she gets critical of them.  

 

  1. 1. When this happens she is having a reaction to a childhood experience.
  1. a. Sam should practice a self-nurturing exercise of holding  her own hand.
  2. b. Embody her highest adult self.
  3. c. Take a deep breath.
  4. d. Say something over and over until she moves past it.

 

When you are in self-perpetuating thoughts they are strong. They have been building up strength since your childhood. If you activate the amygdala part of your brain through breathing it can be like hitting the brakes on your car.

 

You Are an Adult, So Act Like One   [27:00]

 

Sam’s limiting beliefs and her need to be right is getting her the opposite of what she really wants.

 

Her unmet childhood needs will always supersede her adult wants. It’s human nature to follow the rules.

 

Parent your emotional child by being an adult.

Sam’s homework is to re-assure her inner child that she will keep her safe. And, to not let the child in her get in the way of her having a deeply committed relationship.

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

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