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The Dating Den

Each week on the podcast, I’ll be interviewing the world’s top experts in attraction, dating, communication, sex, and relationships, as well as coaching real women LIVE, through their real life dating challenges… that are probably a lot like yours!
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Now displaying: May, 2019
May 31, 2019

Marni welcomes Jessica into the Den to present self-care tools and techniques to help with pre and post dating anxiety and to increase overall wellbeing. In her new book, The Tapping Solution to Create Lasting Change, Jessica shares her insights and the personal experiences that allowed her to get unstuck and find her flow.

 

For women, we do it all and anything we can do to transform our lives in a way that feels graceful and easy is worth doing.

 

Tapping: What it Is and How it Works [2:25]

 

When it comes to dating we may feel anxious and set ourselves up for disaster. Our bodies physical response may show up as a knot in our body or pressure in our chest. Jessica uses EFT tapping to help with the anxiety she had around dating and relationships. Tapping is stress relief based on tapping on pressure points in the body. To show up as your best self, start by focusing on what is bothering you then tap it which sends a signal to the brain that tells your body it is ok to relax.

 

Jessica was chronically single. Men she met didn't want to commit. She was frustrated and she felt she needed a change. To shake things up she thought maybe a change of scenery would help. She moved to California. At first, she was lonely and missed her family and friends back in NY.

 

She realized that if she went on a date and if she didn’t meet the guy of her dreams she felt as if the date was a failure. She ended up not enjoying the dating process.

 

In life, if something is not pleasurable it’s not sustainable. If you don't handle the source of your issues you will not overcome them.

 

She had challenges around weight loss and body confidence. She was so into making other people like her she didn't even consider if she liked the other person. She felt like every date she was being judged. But her anxiety was keeping her from attracting the right people.

 

When you have fear and anxiety, we find ourselves in situations or with people that are not ideal because we don’t take the time to do a gut check.

 

After discovering the tapping process, she decided to make every date a success. She could flirt and have fun but still tell the other person she wasn't interested. You used each date as practice for staying present. She decided she was going to celebrate every single date and look at each date as an opportunity to learn and to meet someone new and to be in her body.

 

Navigating Dating While Calm [10:12]

 

Jessica shares some tips about how to use the tapping technique to calm the body before a date:

 

  1. Become aware of your anxiety.
  2. Spend a few minutes tapping to give a voice to your fears.
  3. Practice being present on every date.
  4. Instead of going through a dating checklist, consider how you feel when you are with the other person.

 

When you are wrapped up in anxiety and fear you are not smart or resourceful, not creative. By spending a few minutes centering yourself before a date. You can find comfort knowing you are at least showing up, being present. Dating instantly becomes more enjoyable.

 

Don’t take dating personally! Enjoy yourself.

 

How Tapping Physically Calms Us [13:57]

 

Humans don’t feel emotions in our heads. We feel them in our bodies. We feel gut feelings and pressure in our chests. When we are having a struggle in our life our body interprets it and we begin to have aches, pains, tensions, and stress.

 

But, our bodies are wise. The more connected we are to our bodies the safer we feel. When dating we are vulnerable. If something doesn’t feel right you know to leave. If it feels right we are comfortable.

 

When we are centered our bodies will tell us yes or no. It gets tricky when we feel anxiety or are overwhelmed by emotions we have trouble hearing the messages of our body. When we use a technique like tapping we can hear the messages and wisdom of our body.

 

When we have a thought the amygdala goes into flight, fight, or freeze mode. In the past, It has served human beings in the past by keeping us safe.  We live in the modern world but our bodies can go into the same stress response. When preparing for a date we may have an overproduction of cortisol, our heart beats faster, and we can get anxious. Tapping sends a calming signal to the brain to help us think clearly.

 

Stress over being single causes stress and anxiety. In can create a fog of anxiety. It is important to clear the fog in order to navigate our single life. The more we can enjoy our life when we are single the more opportunity we have to attract good things into our lives.

 

The voice in your head is optional. It impacts who you attract and how you show up on dates.

 

Make a Connection:

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Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Jessica Ortner

The Tapping Solution App

May 17, 2019

Marni welcomes Cindy into the Den to discuss her dating experiences. Cindy is looking for guidance on how she can break her pattern of leaving and figure out how to know if she is making decisions based on her childhood experiences or if she just hasn’t met the right guy. Marni offers her solid strategies to make holistic decisions using her intellect, her emotions, and her intuition. Every woman who is currently dating will benefit from this honest, authentic conversation.

 

I Crave Security But I Find it Boring [1:37]

 

Cindy admits that she is the ‘Leaver’ in most of her relationships. She says she would rather be alone than with the wrong guy. She's been married a couple of times. She is likely to date or marry a man she knows would stick around. But for her, that alone isn’t enough to carry the relationship so she leaves.

 

Cindy shares with Marni when she was eight, her Dad left the family and took her brother with him. The two men she trusted most in her life were gone in an instant. When Cindy plays the role of the ‘Leaver’ it gives her a sense of control over the relationship her response is based on the lack of control she had when the men in her family left.

 

Consider what patterns you playing out in your relationships and consider every date as a learning experience.

 

Cindy Decides on Her 5 Deal-breakers [8:12]

 

Marni asks Cindy to create her list of five non-negotiables, or deal-breakers. Also known as the list of Five Fights You Will Never Have. This list of five core values will allow your relationship to get back on track if or when there is an interruption in compatibility (aka when stuff gets real).

 

Cindy’s 5 Non-Negotiables:

 

  1. Her partner must have a strong sense of self.
  2. He must be emotionally available.
  3. He must be financially stable.
  4. He must share similar spiritual views.
  5. He is someone who is open to learning and growing.

 

Marni asks Cindy to look at her current relationship from a logical and then an emotional viewpoint. When she views the relationship logically her current guy meets many of her needs but one of her non-negotiables is triggered by his stance on spiritual beliefs. Marni points out that emotionally,  Cindy’s younger self may be making her relationship decisions.

 

Consider your decisions from your authentic adult self, not from your inner victim!

 

Use Logic, Emotions, and Your Intuition to Make Decisions  [21:08]

 

Like Cindy, you may have a tendency to make your decisions using your intellect alone. But it’s important to consider your decisions from the emotional adult aspect of yourself without going into the reactionary victim space. Only then can you ask your intuition or highest spiritual self to send you a message about your decision. Connect to your highest authentic self by closing your eyes, putting your hand on your heart and ask for guidance about your decision.  

 

The bottom line is that your authentic self knows what is right for you. Only after you have built a strong foundation of resourcefulness from within will you be able to date based on your core values and find someone who surpasses your deal-breakers.

 

You are 100% worthy of love and appreciation!

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

May 10, 2019

Marni welcomes the authority on what makes relationships last long-term, Stan Tatkin PsyD, MFT. He shares practical relationship advice based on our natural, biological tendencies as human beings. He tells us why we are wired for relationships in the first place and the biological pitfalls of not having relationships during our lives.

 

Stan is an Assistant Clinical Professor at UCLA’s David Geffen School of Medicine. He and his wife have a private practice and lead couples retreats in the U.S, and internationally. Stan is the developer of the PACT Program and author of Wired for Dating, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love Relationship RX,  We Do, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships.

 

Should Relationships Be Easy? [2:03]

 

When two people understand why they are together and the point of their union relationships can be easier, not necessarily easy. Agreements should be made about sharing power, having each other's backs, and being in each other's care. But we are human and that comes with being aggressive, moody, fickle and other aspects of the human condition.

 

Nature doesn't have a plan for long-term relationships but we need relationships to survive. Our need for attachment causes initial reactions of meeting others to feel like a drug but then our brain's negativity bias can set in causing survival instincts to take over.

 

But there are phases to our relationships when we start to automate each other because we think things should be easier. Our brain takes shortcuts with things we deem familiar. Our partners blend into our total life experience. Our partner's actions can trigger us based on all of our past relationships.

 

Being Committed Without Actually Committing [8:11]

 

Everyone is irritating, annoying or disappointing at some time. It may feel at times like our partner is a burden but what Stan says we should consider is that we are burdens too. But what do we do about it?

 

Long-term relationships are more about trust, safety, and security than they are about love. Our shared visions and shared ideologies are what will keep us together for the long haul. We put our time and energy into relationships because they pay dividends.

 

Commitments can open up the universe for us. It offers up mutually assured disruption and mutually assured survival and thriving.

 

Signs you are not fully committed:

 

  • You talk negatively about your partner to your friends.
  • You throw your partner under the bus.
  • You are unwilling to take care of your partner's needs.
  • You don't put your relationship above all other relationships.

 

Should I Stay or Should I Go? [17:39]

 

If you find yourself in a dilemma of should you stay or should you go, Stan says to write down what you think a long-term relationship should be. If your partner is unwilling to meet these principals or is moving in a different direction throw them to the curb.

 

Long-term relationships should be based on:

 

  • Shared power
  • Respect
  • Mutuality
  • Collaboration
  • Cooperation
  • Fairness

 

Get clear on your vision first if you are looking for a long-term relationship.

 

How to Share Power When Finances are Lopsided [21:39]

 

If you want a partnership that is fair and equal all resources should be shared. Relationships based on ‘have and have nots’ almost always experience problems. When inequities occur at the beginning of a relationship those same inequities will chip away the relationship over time.

 

Strategies to trust and share completely:

 

  • Both people need to be mutual stakeholders in the relationship.
  • Look ahead to the benefits that leaning all the way in will bring you.
  • Know that everything is a risk.
  • Know that good enough is perfect.
  • Surrender and give your full trust to your partner.

 

The way a relationship starts is a clue to how it ends.

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

The PACT Institute

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