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The Dating Den

Each week on the podcast, I’ll be interviewing the world’s top experts in attraction, dating, communication, sex, and relationships, as well as coaching real women LIVE, through their real life dating challenges… that are probably a lot like yours!
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Now displaying: August, 2019
Aug 23, 2019

Why is dating so hard? Are you saying all the right things but your body is sending signals of anxiousness or defensiveness? To uncover the psychological reasons behind your physiological behavior, Marni welcomes Dr. Stephen Porges, an expert in the polyvagal theory and how it traverses our relationships.

 

Key Takeaways:

  • ● Self-soothing tips for anxious behavior
  • ● Tips for staying in a long-term, happy relationship
  • ● Rewriting your personal narrative
  • ● Recognizing defensiveness for what it really is
  • ● The importance of being present on a date
  • ● Why dating can be terrifying
  • ● Understanding the importance of reciprocity
  • The Polyvagal Theory and Dating-Mating Strategies [4:34]
  • The polyvagal theory explains how our nervous system plays a part in our relationships, even if we aren’t aware of it at the time. Essentially, it influences how we react to others. If your body is in a state of safety, you can be socially and emotionally available. If not, and your body is in a state of anxiety or fear, you may not present yourself as who you really are.
  • We pick up non-verbal queues from one another. If your mind goes to a place of abandonment or loss of trust your body reflects that externally.
  • Dr. Porges says that in our culture we present the supermodel face. It is the presentation of being beautiful but not being available. This is not what our bodies want. Our bodies want people who are interactive, supportive, and reciprocal to who we are.
  • What is really attractive is the emotional safety conveyed through facial expression.
  • In the early moments of starting relationships, we are negotiating safety in psychological space.
  • Why Dating Can Be Terrifying [13:21]
  • There is little predictability in dating. Will he call? Does he like me? When we ask ourselves these questions it is an example of our nervous system searching for predictability. If there is uncertainty, we feel unsafe and it can create a feeling of terror.
  • Relationships aren't based on words they are based on how we relate to each other. We need reciprocity to feel understood and emotionally safe. Uncertainty puts us into a defensive mode.
  • How to Self-soothe When You Feel Anxious [21:10]
  • When our sense of self is challenged, it may be because we are framing our personal narratives based on previous traumas. Dr. Porges offers these tools to self-soothe and to calm ourselves down after we have been triggered:
  • ● Breathing — To calm the body down inhale quickly and exhale slowly.
  • ● Rocking, gently — It triggers the body to feel safe in the presence of another.
  • ● A Quiet Place — if you want to understand what someone is saying go to a quiet environment.
  • These tools can help you manage your body’s reaction to trauma and manage it. The goal of a relationship is to be part of a co-regulation team. And, sensitivity is being aware of your partners de-stabilizations and reflexively supporting them.
  • How to Stay in a Long-term, Happy Relationship [35:59]
  • Be accessible! Dr. Porges’ biggest tip for staying in a healthy relationship is to be vulnerable and accessible with our partners.  He says, “What we want in our relationships is never to be in a defensive state or to minimize it. We have to understand we are not perfect, we are loving human beings.”
  • Our bodies want to open up and be vulnerable with one another.

 

Make a Connection:

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Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

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Dr. Stephen Porges Website

Aug 16, 2019

Do you always gravitate toward the same type of guys even though they never come with the type of relationship you are looking for? To find out why Marni welcomes the insightful Michelle Chalfant the host of the Adult Chair Podcast. Michelle is a therapist, holistic life coach, an author, a speaker an amazing podcast, and developer of the adult chair model, a transformational model of self-realization. She helps humans discover who they are and get unstuck so they can find their power.

 

Key Takeaways: 

  • Why we choose the wrong guys.
  • A process to help fix your picker.
  • How to be compassionate with yourself and give yourself unconditional love.
  • How to overcome emotional trauma and heal core childhood wounds.
  • How to look for someone who complements you, not completes you. 

 

The Adult Chair Model [3:40]

 

The Adult Chair model includes the three phases of our lives: 

 

  1. The child chair — Age 0-6
  2. The adolescent chair — Age 7-25
  3. The adult chair — Age 26 & beyond

 

From age 0-6 we are living in the child part of our lives. It’s during this time we learn about emotions, our true needs, spontaneity, intimacy, and vulnerability. 

 

From age 7-25 we live in our adolescent chair which is driven by the ego. During this time we learn about the victim, guilt, blame, codependency, people-pleasing, and perfectionism.  

 

If we had healthy modeling, we slide into the adult chair at 25. It’s where we live in fact and truth instead of story and assumption. It's when we begin to set boundaries, we learn how to speak up for ourselves. We can connect to how we are feeling and thinking. 

 

Most of us don't land in our adult chair mentally. We are physically adults but emotionally we are stuck in the adolescent chair. 

 

Traumas can freeze us in time and we have to go back and rescue our inner child.

 

Trusting Yourself and Finding Self-Compassion [18:00]

 

Michelle says that the adolescent part of use can wear the mask of an adult but still be making decisions from the adolescent chair. 

 

To provide ourselves consistency and unconditional love we should work with our inner child in the following manner:

 

  1. Validate them
  2. Thank them
  3. Question what their needs are
  4. Have unconditional love and compassion for ourselves

 

As a result of this process, people say "I just feel so different. I feel more compassion for myself and others.”

 

When you start rescuing the younger parts of yourself, you have to keep showing up as an adult. Michelle recommends to just keep going back and reinforcing safety. 

 

Fixing Your Picker [29:34]

 

Marni refers back to Hannah B, the Bachelorette to ask Michelle why our pickers are sometimes broken. Hannah originally went for ‘Bad for Her Jed’ until she gained some clarity. 

 

Michelle recommends Hannah or any of you who may have a broken picker, to ask her inner child what happened that made her attracted to different guys. And to find information about what she gets out of choosing someone who is not the best for her. 

 

When we are in relationships we are looking for that person outside of ourselves to "complete" us. When what really need is to do fulfillment within ourselves first and then find someone who complements us, not complete us. 

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

The Adult Chair Website

The Adult Chair Podcast

Aug 2, 2019

Marni welcomes Bachelor Nation’s Fanclub’s Rookie of the Year, Chris Gillis back to the Den to break down the Season Finale of The Bachelorette 2019. For all of you ladies out there, there are some important lessons to be learned from the episode.  

 

Key Takeaways: 

  • The importance of being a direct, honest communicator.
  • Why smart, beautiful, strong women still succumb to the devious wiles of their bad picker.
  • How to break up with a guy without disrespecting him.
  • Why it’s time to move past old-timey beliefs about male and female roles.
  • How to read a guy’s body language during a conversation.
  • Finding the courage to let someone go when they have done you wrong.

 

Bye, Bye Pilot Pete [2:51]

 

Pete seemed perfect. He is a gentleman. He has a stable job as a pilot and he was really into Hannah. So, why would she let him go? Marni and Chris discuss the possible reasons Hannah passed on what seemed to be a great opportunity. 

 

  • Was he was too into her?
  • Is he a pacifist?
  • Was he too nice of a guy?

 

Jed and Tyler Meet the Parents  [11:53]

 

It was obvious when Hannah’s parents met Jed they didn’t believe a singer/songwriter could financially provide for their daughter. Hannah, instead of stepping up to say what was important to her, immediately went into child mode and instead sought approval from her parents. 

 

Takeaway: As an adult,  you have the opportunity to decide what type of financial role you want your partner to play. 

 

Unlike Jed, Tyler made an immediate connection to Hannah’s parents through his direct and thoughtful communication. 

 

Hannah Chooses Jed [20:10]

 

In spite of all the turmoil, Hannah still chose Jed. 

 

Marni’s take — It’s a good reminder to not take things personally. Hannah has an unhealthy picker. She gravitated toward someone who wasn't in it for her highest-interest. 

 

During Hannah’s last date with Jed on the boat, we could all feel the tension between the two of them. If Hannah’s spidey-sense was tingling she chose to ignore it because she is attracted to unhealthy relationships.  

 

When Hannah confronts Jed about a People magazine article stating that he had not yet broken up with his girlfriend before joining the show, he admits he has been dishonest with her. His comments and his body language were signaling that he was done. 

 

Takeaway: When we are dating we don't ask enough questions and we just accept what a guy says without asking for clarity.

 

Tyler Gives it Another Shot [38:59]

 

After breaking up with Jed, Hannah asks Tyler out on a date. Tyler being the class act that he is, made a safe space for Hannah to regain her composure and femininity. He refused to manipulate her. 

 

It exposes and reminds all of us that sometimes we have to let go of something and it takes courage.

 

Chris’s take — Hannah had a delectable smorgasbord in front of her and she still couldn't eat, she still went heart hungry.

 

Takeaway: In the end, a bad picker can get in the way of your finding your true partner. It’s important to learn how to attract the right guy into your life. 

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Aug 2, 2019

Marni welcomes dating expert, Damona Hoffman to the den to discuss pre-date texting. This in-depth discussion includes tips to get you out of the app and on to the date.

 

Key Takeaways:

● Should you text inside or outside a dating app?

● How often you should text before the first date?

● Is it appropriate to send a follow-up text after a date?

● The #1 thing you can do to become an excellent texter.

● 3 Pre-date texting rules.

● Should you use emojis when texting?

● How to respond to a simple ‘hey’ text.

 

Damona is a certified dating coach and the host of  the long-running podcast, Dates & Mates. She is a TV personality who has been in two A&E series, Black Love and A Question of Love. She is a contributor to CNN Headline News, BET, The Post and Oprah's O magazine.

 

Traps and Pitfalls of Texting [1:56]

 

Traps of pre-date texting:

 

● Remember the whole point of texting is to move forward to get to the date.

 

● One big mistake people make is sharing too much over text. There is very little context in texting and can be too revealing too soon.

● Texting is designed for information, not conversation.

 

3 Pre-date Texting Rules   [7:33]

 

The average text is responded to within 90 seconds. If the response doesn't happen in 24 hours there is a solid chance it won't happen.

 

A texting technique to adhere to is to make it feel like you are stepping into the middle of the conversation. Texting is designed for short burst communication and volleys back and forth. You want to be as concise as possible. If you thin it out you are more likely to get a response and it’s more likely to be read accurately.

 

3 Pre-date texting Rules

 

Keep it simple. Don't overwrite.

Add emojis or mood modifiers to enhance what you mean.

Avoid generic questions and ask compelling questions.

 

The #1 thing to do to be an excellent texter is to text like you talk to bring your personality out.

 

Is it OK to Send a Follow-up Text After a Date? [25:04]

 

In today’s dating scene, it is common place to send a text that night or the next morning. It's polite to say thank you, especially if a date bought dinner or drinks.

 

One trick is to send a statement or acknowledgement of something that happened on the date. Another technique, is to find a gif that adds humor and fun to the exchange. Think of texting as flirting with technology.

 

How to Respond to the ‘Hey’ Text [28:21]

 

If you receive a simple ‘Hey’ text respond with something cheeky. It depends on your interest level, of course. If you are using a dating app, and ‘Hey’ is their opening text, don’t respond. It's just weak.

 

Research says that men are worried about two things in dating:

 

1. That they will be thought of as a predator.

2. Being rejected.

 

Be clear when texting but give a guy some slack because a guy may not have the same awesome texting skills you do.

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

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