Marni welcomes the Co-Founder and CEO of the MeetMe Geoff Cook into the Den. MeetMe is a live video streaming approach to the dating world. The app increases your chances to meet ‘your’ person by offering more opportunities than you could ever have in person. During the show, Geoff shares the benefits of the MeetMe app, what the future of dating looks like, and the best way to utilize the app to get the most responses from your personal live stream, including the forthcoming dating game.
Geoff is a serial entrepreneur who met his wife when they were in the 7th grade. He comes from a place of love and wants to make love connections happen for everyone.
What Makes MeetMe so Amazing? [3:17]
We ladies are well aware of the issue of users of online dating sites misrepresenting themselves. There is no solid way to verify the authenticity of profiles on the common text-based dating sites. A users profile picture may be outdated or may not even be a photo of the person it claims to be. The struggle of authenticity is real! But, it’s also easily overcome with MeetMe’s progressive live streaming mobile technology.
The MeetMe live streaming component is designed to make it fun and engaging to make connections and to move toward meeting your person. The app boasts 4.5 million active, chat and live-stream video users.
Searching for users who are broadcasting their lives includes parameters such as near me, relationship status, and interests. Geoff says the beauty of this app is that you can see what someone is doing in real time. A live-stream mobile dating game is also in the works.
Get instant feedback for how you present yourself to the dating community.
Everything You Want in a Dating App [12:03]
The age range of the fastest adopters and most frequent users of the live-streaming function in the app is 18-34. But, if you are a 35-50 year-old and are not ready to take the technological leap, MeetMe also offers a non-live component. So, you can still find people near you and engage in text-based chat.
50% of MeetMe users have met in real life after meeting on the network.
If you are looking for real connection or just entertainment the app automatically includes both mediums. It provides an insider view of who you are talking to you can’t get from text-based dating sites.
Use the App to Re-invigorate Your Dating Life [24:59]
The dating app doesn’t have a dress code but high-level streamers put energy and effort into putting their best foot forward. With a user base of 50% men and 50% women, it’s fun to watch existing users for tips and ideas for how to get a lot of attention with your profile.
Ladies, this app allows you to be in the driver’s seat of dating while maintaining your feminine allure.
When females initiate an online conversation, they receive an above average amount of responses.
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Marni welcomes Jessica into the Den to present self-care tools and techniques to help with pre and post dating anxiety and to increase overall wellbeing. In her new book, The Tapping Solution to Create Lasting Change, Jessica shares her insights and the personal experiences that allowed her to get unstuck and find her flow.
For women, we do it all and anything we can do to transform our lives in a way that feels graceful and easy is worth doing.
Tapping: What it Is and How it Works [2:25]
When it comes to dating we may feel anxious and set ourselves up for disaster. Our bodies physical response may show up as a knot in our body or pressure in our chest. Jessica uses EFT tapping to help with the anxiety she had around dating and relationships. Tapping is stress relief based on tapping on pressure points in the body. To show up as your best self, start by focusing on what is bothering you then tap it which sends a signal to the brain that tells your body it is ok to relax.
Jessica was chronically single. Men she met didn't want to commit. She was frustrated and she felt she needed a change. To shake things up she thought maybe a change of scenery would help. She moved to California. At first, she was lonely and missed her family and friends back in NY.
She realized that if she went on a date and if she didn’t meet the guy of her dreams she felt as if the date was a failure. She ended up not enjoying the dating process.
In life, if something is not pleasurable it’s not sustainable. If you don't handle the source of your issues you will not overcome them.
She had challenges around weight loss and body confidence. She was so into making other people like her she didn't even consider if she liked the other person. She felt like every date she was being judged. But her anxiety was keeping her from attracting the right people.
When you have fear and anxiety, we find ourselves in situations or with people that are not ideal because we don’t take the time to do a gut check.
After discovering the tapping process, she decided to make every date a success. She could flirt and have fun but still tell the other person she wasn't interested. You used each date as practice for staying present. She decided she was going to celebrate every single date and look at each date as an opportunity to learn and to meet someone new and to be in her body.
Navigating Dating While Calm [10:12]
Jessica shares some tips about how to use the tapping technique to calm the body before a date:
When you are wrapped up in anxiety and fear you are not smart or resourceful, not creative. By spending a few minutes centering yourself before a date. You can find comfort knowing you are at least showing up, being present. Dating instantly becomes more enjoyable.
Don’t take dating personally! Enjoy yourself.
How Tapping Physically Calms Us [13:57]
Humans don’t feel emotions in our heads. We feel them in our bodies. We feel gut feelings and pressure in our chests. When we are having a struggle in our life our body interprets it and we begin to have aches, pains, tensions, and stress.
But, our bodies are wise. The more connected we are to our bodies the safer we feel. When dating we are vulnerable. If something doesn’t feel right you know to leave. If it feels right we are comfortable.
When we are centered our bodies will tell us yes or no. It gets tricky when we feel anxiety or are overwhelmed by emotions we have trouble hearing the messages of our body. When we use a technique like tapping we can hear the messages and wisdom of our body.
When we have a thought the amygdala goes into flight, fight, or freeze mode. In the past, It has served human beings in the past by keeping us safe. We live in the modern world but our bodies can go into the same stress response. When preparing for a date we may have an overproduction of cortisol, our heart beats faster, and we can get anxious. Tapping sends a calming signal to the brain to help us think clearly.
Stress over being single causes stress and anxiety. In can create a fog of anxiety. It is important to clear the fog in order to navigate our single life. The more we can enjoy our life when we are single the more opportunity we have to attract good things into our lives.
The voice in your head is optional. It impacts who you attract and how you show up on dates.
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Marni welcomes Cindy into the Den to discuss her dating experiences. Cindy is looking for guidance on how she can break her pattern of leaving and figure out how to know if she is making decisions based on her childhood experiences or if she just hasn’t met the right guy. Marni offers her solid strategies to make holistic decisions using her intellect, her emotions, and her intuition. Every woman who is currently dating will benefit from this honest, authentic conversation.
I Crave Security But I Find it Boring [1:37]
Cindy admits that she is the ‘Leaver’ in most of her relationships. She says she would rather be alone than with the wrong guy. She's been married a couple of times. She is likely to date or marry a man she knows would stick around. But for her, that alone isn’t enough to carry the relationship so she leaves.
Cindy shares with Marni when she was eight, her Dad left the family and took her brother with him. The two men she trusted most in her life were gone in an instant. When Cindy plays the role of the ‘Leaver’ it gives her a sense of control over the relationship her response is based on the lack of control she had when the men in her family left.
Consider what patterns you playing out in your relationships and consider every date as a learning experience.
Cindy Decides on Her 5 Deal-breakers [8:12]
Marni asks Cindy to create her list of five non-negotiables, or deal-breakers. Also known as the list of Five Fights You Will Never Have. This list of five core values will allow your relationship to get back on track if or when there is an interruption in compatibility (aka when stuff gets real).
Cindy’s 5 Non-Negotiables:
Marni asks Cindy to look at her current relationship from a logical and then an emotional viewpoint. When she views the relationship logically her current guy meets many of her needs but one of her non-negotiables is triggered by his stance on spiritual beliefs. Marni points out that emotionally, Cindy’s younger self may be making her relationship decisions.
Consider your decisions from your authentic adult self, not from your inner victim!
Use Logic, Emotions, and Your Intuition to Make Decisions [21:08]
Like Cindy, you may have a tendency to make your decisions using your intellect alone. But it’s important to consider your decisions from the emotional adult aspect of yourself without going into the reactionary victim space. Only then can you ask your intuition or highest spiritual self to send you a message about your decision. Connect to your highest authentic self by closing your eyes, putting your hand on your heart and ask for guidance about your decision.
The bottom line is that your authentic self knows what is right for you. Only after you have built a strong foundation of resourcefulness from within will you be able to date based on your core values and find someone who surpasses your deal-breakers.
You are 100% worthy of love and appreciation!
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Marni welcomes the authority on what makes relationships last long-term, Stan Tatkin PsyD, MFT. He shares practical relationship advice based on our natural, biological tendencies as human beings. He tells us why we are wired for relationships in the first place and the biological pitfalls of not having relationships during our lives.
Stan is an Assistant Clinical Professor at UCLA’s David Geffen School of Medicine. He and his wife have a private practice and lead couples retreats in the U.S, and internationally. Stan is the developer of the PACT Program and author of Wired for Dating, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love Relationship RX, We Do, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships.
Should Relationships Be Easy? [2:03]
When two people understand why they are together and the point of their union relationships can be easier, not necessarily easy. Agreements should be made about sharing power, having each other's backs, and being in each other's care. But we are human and that comes with being aggressive, moody, fickle and other aspects of the human condition.
Nature doesn't have a plan for long-term relationships but we need relationships to survive. Our need for attachment causes initial reactions of meeting others to feel like a drug but then our brain's negativity bias can set in causing survival instincts to take over.
But there are phases to our relationships when we start to automate each other because we think things should be easier. Our brain takes shortcuts with things we deem familiar. Our partners blend into our total life experience. Our partner's actions can trigger us based on all of our past relationships.
Being Committed Without Actually Committing [8:11]
Everyone is irritating, annoying or disappointing at some time. It may feel at times like our partner is a burden but what Stan says we should consider is that we are burdens too. But what do we do about it?
Long-term relationships are more about trust, safety, and security than they are about love. Our shared visions and shared ideologies are what will keep us together for the long haul. We put our time and energy into relationships because they pay dividends.
Commitments can open up the universe for us. It offers up mutually assured disruption and mutually assured survival and thriving.
Signs you are not fully committed:
Should I Stay or Should I Go? [17:39]
If you find yourself in a dilemma of should you stay or should you go, Stan says to write down what you think a long-term relationship should be. If your partner is unwilling to meet these principals or is moving in a different direction throw them to the curb.
Long-term relationships should be based on:
Get clear on your vision first if you are looking for a long-term relationship.
How to Share Power When Finances are Lopsided [21:39]
If you want a partnership that is fair and equal all resources should be shared. Relationships based on ‘have and have nots’ almost always experience problems. When inequities occur at the beginning of a relationship those same inequities will chip away the relationship over time.
Strategies to trust and share completely:
The way a relationship starts is a clue to how it ends.
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Marni welcomes Author Michael Sorensen into the den today to talk about the value of validation. Michael is an expert on listening and relationship skills. He uses a real-world approach when he talks with women about what they can do differently to create long-lasting relationships.
Michael’s award-winning and bestselling book, I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind the Extraordinary Relationships is transforming the lives of those who read it. He stumbled across relationship skills while working with a therapist and he is on a mission to share his insights with the world.
Why Long-Term Relationships Work [2:25]
Michael shares a personal dating experience that eventually led to him writing his book. In dating or in a relationship the way you respond to the other person plays a major role in how long your relationship will last. If you share interests with your date or partner and respond accordingly you are more likely to form a bond with that person.
Knowing how to validate others can impact your dating life. Validation is made up of two parts, one it identifies a specific emotion and two, offers justification for feeling that emotion. You have to connect with the person on some level. Effective validation requires empathy, effort, and authenticity. To practice validation even if the subject doesn’t interest you try asking a follow-up question to show effort.
Common Validation Mistakes [16:16]
Being present is super-important in today’s world. When someone wants to talk, put down your phone, turn off the tv or close your laptop. Your authenticity will shine through and the other person will feel validated from your sincere effort to hear them.
When someone comes to you with a difficult situation they don’t necessarily need advice or want you to fix their problem. They may just need some validation and empathy.
Common Validation Mistakes:
Being aware of your expectations makes a huge difference, not just in dating but in every relationship in your life.
How to Make Someone Feel Comfortable Opening Up to You [26:00]
If you really want to get to connect with a person, learn how to validate. You will be shocked at how it transforms the dialogue. You can connect with anyone.
When we are curious about another person we ask questions in a way that doesn’t feel like an interview.
When we are creating relationships validation can be the skill that magically opens people up to help create chemistry and connection.
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Amy wants to become a savvy dater. She finds herself over analyzing what a guy is thinking and what clues he may be sending her about how the date is going. She also puts up her love shield in defense of her uncertainty. Marni coaches her through understanding her own motivations for succumbing to anxiety and how she can release her fear by leaning into her faith.
How to Know What is on a Guy’s Mind [2:41]
Amy really wants to make her dating journey enjoyable but gets hung up on how the guy is feeling about her. To size up how a date is going, she searches for clues from a guy’s body language or his facial expressions. She is looking for positive feedback. She reveals she has a history of domestic violence and dating narcissists. This creates insecurity in her so she puts up her love shield. This behavior is meant to protect her but it can also push people away.
Marni asks Amy to reflect on what makes her feel safe.
Amy says when guys exhibit these behaviors or attributes she feels safe:
Coaching Notes:
How to Trust Ourselves [11:43]
Amy knows the negative consequences of attaching too quickly. She admits she has a pattern of doing this and it never works in her favor. She says wants a relationship and connection. She is quick to imagine how she might fit into a guy’s life.
She truly desires to be more relaxed and enjoy casual dating instead of expecting a relationship quickly.
Marni walks her through the ways she is putting the man in charge of her emotional safety. Marni reminds her that she is in charge of herself and not the guy. So why is she trying to give up her power?
Amy shares her longing for validation. She gets stuck in a rut about what the little things mean. She understands she needs to trust herself more.
Don’t get caught up in the outcome of a date. Instead, focus on making a human connection.
Understanding Your Triggers [19:01]
Amy says she may be enjoying a date and feel comfortable sharing her life stories with someone and then she falls into her feelings of uncertainty.
Marni recommends:
She is activating a new muscle and breaking an old pattern. When she feels disconnected from peace and calm she should consider what story she is making up.
When she is not anxious Amy knows she can chill out because God will be bringing her the perfect guy. She should relax and enjoy her dates. She vows to not put up her love shield and relish in her faith in God.
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The beauty of boundaries is that when we do them well it creates much more space for love and connection.
In this episode, Marni welcomes the queen of boundary setting, Sylvie Khoucasian into the Den. In all aspects of our lives, whether we dating, raising our kids, communicating with friends, we all need to set boundaries. Sylvie is a master of helping struggling couples create a real connection. She has a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. She grew up in the US as an immigrant from the Middle East. She was fascinated by the critical role family cultures play in intimate relationships. She also has experience in theatrical art which allows her to use art and drama therapy to help clients reclaim lost or repressed parts of themselves.
What is a Boundary & How to Know When A Boundary Has Been Violated [2:52]
“A boundary is a limit. By the limits you set, you protect the integrity of your day, your energy and spirit, the health of your relationships and the pursuit of your heart. Each day is shaped by your choices and when you violate your own boundaries or let another person violate them the stuffing spills out of you.” — Anne Katherine
Sylvie describes a boundary as a membrane we surround ourselves with. We feel safe around people who respect our emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, intellectual boundaries or spiritual boundaries. When we are being violated we are being dismissed, invalidated, not respected. Its when someone is trying to push us beyond what we are capable of in a moment.
We live in a time when we have exposure to so many things even dating choices. If we don't create healthy boundaries around ourselves we can get lost in what the culture around us wants to feed us.
We can feel mean when we are first setting boundaries with a new person in our lives. But the more we communicate our boundaries we start to soften. Healthy boundaries prevent codependency. They prevent our merging with someone in an unhealthy way. Healthy boundaries are discerning.
Sylvie recommends dating no more than once a week at the beginning of dating to give yourself enough time to process and check in with your boundaries.
Expanding our Definition of Boundaries [10:06]
While we are dating we want to learn what a man’s priorities and concerns are.
Men have 3 core vulnerabilities they show:
Make a Connection:
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Has personal development work made you better than you were before but you are still afraid to take it to the next level? This episode will help you to get out of your own way and show up fully to your next date.
In this episode, Marni sits down with President of the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) and host of The Meaningful Way Podcast, Luke Iorio. Luke is also an entrepreneur, a blogger, a dad, a wide-angled observer and an enthusiastic participant in the game of life. He always likes to ask and answer 'what is truly possible?’.
How Acceptance Reduces Stress [2:33]
Acceptance is the ability to embrace any situation, any moment, or any experience life happens to throw at you. Many of us have a hard time accepting things when they don’t go their way. Acceptance isn't about agreeing with or condoning what is happening, it’s about accepting the emotions you are going through.
We get triggered in two ways:
Any time life doesn't meet our expectations we react to it. But there is no reason for us to make it complex. We need to have the moment and then not add any of our stories and expectations around it.
Luke says when we feel we are being triggered we should take a minute, accept what we are going through, embrace it, and then allow the energy around it to settle. Then go at the situation with clarity and peace. Fighting and resistance add extra energy which can stir things up.
Take deep, mindful breaths you have the ability to slow down your nervous system and eliminate our stress.
Strategies to Relieve Discomfort [8:17]
Luke says it’s important for us to remember that our problems are ours. If we get triggered by something it may be only us that is affected. Someone else may not respond at all to the same thing happening to them.
And, it's natural for humans to move away from discomfort. We will do anything we can to push away from anything unpleasant.
Coping mechanisms we use to move away from discomfort are:
If you avoid accepting of the experience and try to rationalize it with a story you are settling.
Ask yourself if you are in this life to simply settle for good enough?
Weapons of Mass Distraction [24:26]
Ask yourself what is it you use to distract yourself from discomfort or something you don't want to feel. Is it social media, working too much, exercising, or wine? The problem with quieting your discomfort is that the discomfort is surfacing for a reason. Life is calling your attention to something you are meant to work through or to acknowledge.
We all have an inner teacher and when we distract ourselves we don't listen to them. Our teachers beg is to take action to achieve growth, not just think about our discomforts.
Taking action requires our ongoing mindfulness. Or, our discomfort will become an ongoing cycle that will repeat itself over and over again and show up on dates or in our relationships.
Make a Connection:
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Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Are you sabotaging yourself early on in a relationship?
Is it you or your date who is emotionally unavailable?
In this one-on-one client session, Marni welcomes Suzanne to share her story. Suzanne can't seem to get past the first or second date with guys she is meeting. Her last date ended with a total clash in values. She has done a ton of work on herself but feels like there is some unconscious crap keeping her stuck.
Are You Afraid of Getting Hurt or Is It Something Else? [1:34]
Suzanne describes her past relationships. She has been married and divorced twice and has had two other significant relationships in her life. Her self-worth was low when she met her first husband. Her second marriage lasted 20-years but it beat her down. And, her two relationships since have been with emotionally unavailable men.
She still believes she is unworthy of having a guy who will stick with her for the long term.
Marni asks her to explain how is it serving her? Suzanne realizes if she feels she is always unworthy it also keeps her from committing.
Do you Choose to Survive or Thrive? [8:04]
Marni points out that by not feeling worthy Suzanne continues to attract men who won't commit. She fears rejection and limits her courage for surviving but she doesn't use it to thrive.
So, how does Suzanne want to experience the next part of her love life? Is it worth opening her heart again? Suzanne says she wants to experience true unabiding love. She doesn't want to leave the planet without figuring relationship stuff out.
When she shows up on an in-person date she is more cautious about putting herself out there. Her fear is leaking into her communications, her dates, and the rest of her life. Suzanne decides she wants to show up on a date as herself like she is with her friends.
She wholeheartedly agrees to bring her surfer girl attitude to the dating game.
Listen to the language you use. It is the key to your true feelings.
Are You Being Vulnerable or Firehosing Your Dates? [22:08]
Suzanne admits to divulging a lot of information about herself early on when dating and she says it sometimes it scares guys away. When discussing what she does for a living she brings up spiritual/religious topics early on in the relationship — but it's important to her. It’s one of her dealbreakers.
Marni advises her to more deeply consider the parameters she uses to rule men out. And as part of her commitment, she should make sure she doesn't sabotage herself.
Suzanne’s important takeaways are to look at every date as a surf trip and everything will go smoothly. And, she pledges to have deeper conversations about values and ask more important questions of her dates.
Make a Connection:
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Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
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Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Are you putting your best self out there with your current online photos?
Are your online dating photos attracting the high-quality guys you want to date?
Marni welcomes photographer extraordinaire, Mary Ann Halpin to the Den today to discuss the importance of a professional photo shoot to enhance your online presence and solidify your personal brand. Mary Ann is an acclaimed photographer and speaker who facilitates workshops based in Los Angeles, California. She has created four books including Fearless Women, the book filled entirely with badass women with swords. Her goal behind the lens is to capture inner beauty in a way that creates outer beauty.
Why Professional Photos are Essential Online [2:51]
Marni reminds us that an awesome online photo is the best way to get your online profile the most attention. People can feel the energy of a photo. And, if the energy doesn't project what they are looking for they will pass right by it and move on to the next. The great thing about professional portraiture is it captures the energy you are projecting.
The old adage — The eyes are the window to the soul — is true. Making sure your true, authentic self is relayed in your photo is essential to finding the right guy for you.
Fun shots can be, fun but they may not portray the real you.
Questions to Ask Before Booking a Shoot [7:36]
The most important question to ask yourself before having your photos professionally done is “what are the photos for?” Or, “what is the goal these photos can help me achieve?”
Are you trying to attract the love of your life?
Mary Ann reminds us professional photos are an investment in your life, not a frivolous expenditure.
Before choosing your photographer get recommendations from people you trust who have used a professional in the past.
Make a Connection:
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Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Are you still upset about a past relationship? Does it matter how you speak about it during a date?
Is your online dating profile authentically you?
Marni welcomes long-time Man Panel contributor, Michael Lushing into the Dating Den. Michael has worked in commercial real estate for over 35 years. He went back to University to obtain a Masters in Psychology and is one exam away from becoming a certified marriage and family counselor. At age 64, he is an open book about his three marriages, his mistakes, his lessons learned, and how he figured out what he was really looking for in a woman.
Michael Shares the Lessons He Learned From Three Marriages [3:56]
Michael says his first marriage was his “real” marriage. He and his first wife met in college, had kids and eventually just grew apart. His family wasn’t fond of his wife but they stayed married for 18 years. The lessons he learned from this marriage was to face his fears and start having courageous conversations about difficult subjects.
Wife number two lasted for less than a year and Michael admits even that was too long. His family had recommended he dated the woman and instead of following his heart, he took his family’s advice. The lesson he learned from this experience was to be true to himself.
Michael’s third wife started with infatuation but after two years of marriage, the passion faded. He realized she was not leading an honest life. He says he held on for longer than he should have because he feared getting back out on the dating scene because of his considerable relationship history.
How Michael Figured Out the Kind of Woman He Truly Wanted [10:33]
Michael met Marni through her male coaching sessions. He had divorced his third wife and was looking to start dating again. Marni recommended he start a 30-day dating hiatus but Michael resisted. It was only when he took a time out from dating he had the time to really consider who he was and who he was looking for.
When he did start dating again he went to an online dating site. Michael says it was a struggle for him especially when a woman's profile's didn't match her character when they met for a date. He was frustrated. He found it competitive and dishonest. One of his dates even admitted she created a false story just to attract men.
Ladies, it is imperative to be authentic and clear in your online profile about who you are and what you are looking for.
When dating, there is a difference in being authentic and vulnerable on a date and just verbally vomiting your story on another person.
If you have unresolved issues about a past relationship be aware there can be unconscious verbal leaking. Remember, you are sending out a vibrational energy other people can feel.
A quality guy may just check out. They recognize the woman is not ready for a relationship due to her unresolved issues, finish the date and decide not to see her again. Don’t be angry about your previous life. It is not attractive and it demonstrates you are not ready for a new relationship.
Men are Human Too [24:46]
Michael has learned to slow down, to be patient, and to find out who a woman is before making a commitment, not afterward. He recognizes that men have a hard time being alone so, they rush into things quickly. By slowing down, he learned what he appreciated and what he found attractive.
He says women shouldn’t want to change a guy. No one can change someone else. If you don't like someone for who they are right now he isn't for you. And, the more quickly you let go the quicker you will find someone who does fit your core values.
Core values can't be created they already exist within the other person.
Ladies, ask yourself what would it look like if I was looking to rule in rather than rule out? And, how can you seek to connect and hear someone rather than make up a story about them?
Make a Connection:
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Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Are you a successful woman who doesn’t need a man BUT wants to have a man?
Are you pushing men away without even realizing it?
Do you make unjust negative judgments about your date without considering the positives?
Marni welcomes Sherrie Toews back into the Den. Sherrie has been a licensed therapist in California for 25 years focusing on trauma and family systems. She is an expert in her field who works with women in the elite program, 5 Keys to Being Irresistible. Sherrie focuses in on what is causing people to be stuck in their patterns, even if they don’t realize they are stuck. She shares the little ways women are influenced by their past traumas and how we can move forward into more positive dating experiences.
The Love Shield [3:00]
Sherrie describes the Love Shield as a collection of negative thoughts, feelings, actions or behaviors women hide behind. This negative energy and uncomfortableness lay just underneath the surface and shows up in little ways during dates, even when women believe they are having good dates.
Examples of the Love Shield in action:
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Ladies, are you aware of how your actions directly impact your dating life?
Do you continue to date a guy even if he has said he has no long-term expectations?
In this one-on-one coaching session, thirty-nine-year-old Melissa has never been married and is looking for a long-term, committed relationship. She knows she wants to have a family. She wants to find someone to travel with, a confidante. She's currently an attorney and she believes her previous positions as a technical writer and a business analyst have led her to over-analyze her dating life and relationships.
She is validated at work for focusing on the details but it doesn’t serve her in her search for a quality guy who meets her needs.
She recognizes she has a natural tendency to go into her head and not consider the feelings causing her disappointment and how her heart feels.
A Play-By-Play of Melissa’s Last Relationship [8:38]
During the first date with her latest guy, Melissa came out strong by telling him exactly what she was looking for. She told him she wanted children and of her need for a long-term, committed relationship.
She fears her time will be wasted based on her last 5-year relationship. She is protecting herself and attempting to keep herself safe. Her tactics may not be effective for her to reach her relationship objectives. Marni confides that using these tactics she is more likely to attract men who are emotionally unavailable.
Why Melissa May Be Attracting Unavailable Men [15:43]
Melissa stays stuck in her head when she leads with quick, confrontational tactics. Using this method she will attract someone, like her, who leads with thoughts instead of feelings.
Melissa shares the details of her most recent relationship. She tells Marni she thought this guy was different. She thought the relationship had potential because they connected on many different subjects. She felt an emotional attachment to him.
The catch is when she asked him what his expectations of the relationship were he said he had none.
So, why did Melissa continue to date him when she obviously had different intentions than he did?
Marni’s Coaching and Melissa’s Homework [15:43]
Marni breaks down the relationship story and gives Melissa an overview of what is happening. There are signs Melissa isn't seeing. Melissa realizes she may not be emotionally available.
When we don't feel emotionally safe we try to operationalize and systemize everything that is out of our control.
Marni outlines ways Melissa can shift to start feeling from her heart and stop leading with her head:
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Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Does the fear of rejection keep you from asking him out?
Would you like to know how to embrace your fear and use it to renew the spark in your life?
Marni’s guest is a Thought Leader, Zen Therapist and a Master Facilitator with a game-changing approach to fear that has never been utilized before. Kristen Ulmer is a professional skier who was on the US Ski Team for Moguls, a Big Mountain Extreme Skier and has spent 15 years studying Zen and instructing thousands of clients. She’s married now, but finding other people fascinating was her secret sauce method men couldn’t resist. Her new book, The Art of Fear: Why Conquering Fear Won't Work and What to Do Instead.
Fear, unconscious and conscious can stop you in your tracks.
Being Fearless in Life Doesn’t Mean Vulnerability is Easy [3:29]
Often times, to be fearless in one area of our lives we repress fear in another area. Fear cannot be avoided. It is with us every single day. When you feel fearless in one area there is always a compromise in another.
Kristen says how we deal with fear is usually a learned behavior from a parent or influencer. She suggests when we feel fear we should ask ourselves how we process it. Do you resist fear? Ignore fear or rationalize it?
Whatever you resist, persists.
Un-dealt with or repressed fear will come back to get your attention somewhere or somehow. It will show up twice as powerful in a personal relationship.
Insomnia is an ever-increasing problem in the US. Because, when you are trying to sleep undealt with fear will hijack your mind and take over.
Fear shows up in your life in two ways:
95% of the time anger comes up when we feel powerless.
Techniques to Use Fear to Your Advantage [16:22]
If you find yourself trying to get rid of the negative side of life by saying positive things to counteract it you may actually be repressing your fear to a dangerous point.
For example, if you take your fear and lock it in the basement of your subconscious, you have emotions that are being ignored. Kristen says, it gives your negative emotions magical powers. It's not a healthy or realistic way to live life. Fear is here to help you.
Would you rather feel happy or would you rather feel alive? Even in love if there is no fear there is no edge, no spice. Fear actually brings your A-game to everything you do.
Whenever you step out of your comfort zone and take a risk, it is a sign you are the path towards learning and growing.
Try this method when you feel fear come up for you:
Emotions are meant to be felt.
The key is to change your language around fear. Learn to say yes to fear and acknowledge fear in an honest way. If you shift your language and fear, in time you will conquer and overcome fear!
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Do you only date rich men?
Are you making the best decisions for your money life?
How much does money affect your overall happiness?
Marni’s guest, Brian Portnoy, Ph.D., CFA is the author of The Geometry of Wealth: How to Shape a Life of Money and Meaning and The Investors Paradox. He is the Director of Investment Education at Virtus Investment Partners and writes an investment column for Forbes.com. His goal is to simplify the complex world of money. He believes the world is noisy and filled with too much information and too much choice. JUST LIKE DATING! Money can seem like an overwhelming and stressful topic, but better outcomes are achievable by understanding a few key concepts, and planning.
The Difference Between Being Rich and Being Wealthy [4:05]
Brian says the assumption of most finance and the point to most investing is we want more. But, where we find true contentment is where the story gets muddled. The quest for more is a treadmill, you might be happy with something for a while but most of us revert to type and continue to chase what we want more of.
Being wealthy is the ability to underwrite a life that is meaningful to you. Funded contentment. We have to start thinking about living the good life.
The tension between wanting more and having enough defines human nature. Appreciate the tension.
It's Best Not to Base Relationships on Riches [7:19]
It’s dangerous to use money as a measuring stick for who you will or won’t date.
Brian says there are four broad sources of contentment which are more important than money:
If you don't have these four things figured out no matter how much money you or your partner have will not bring you a deep sense of contentment.
Our need to feel safe and connected is an inherent trait. Often when we make social comparisons, or become envious of others for what they have we are engaging in reflections of hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. Brian recommends we give ourselves a break because our brains are wired to survive in a dangerous environment. Simply knowing envy and comparisons are unhealthy things can help lighten the hold they have over us.
The Geometry of Wealth [17:42]
Brian's book, The Geometry of Wealth is based on three simple geometric shapes, a circle, a triangle, and a square. These three shapes allow us to live our why.
How to Connect Money to Your Why [22:15]
Brian’s least favorite word is busy. He makes an effort not to use it. He doesn't allow others around him to use the word ‘busy’. When we use the word busy we are saying that the world is overwhelming and we don't have control.
Once you stop using the word busy and start saying "I have competing priorities" it forces you to take accountability for the choices that you make. It may be painful in the short term to make one choice over another but it is empowering in that it allows you to focus on your true motivations.
Take control of your vision. Stop, breathe and think about where you are and where you want to get to. Meditate on it if you can.
We need to give ourselves permission to make priorities that are in our best interest.
The brain recognizes an infinite series of short terms that are stapled together by choice and circumstance. How we manage those short term moments is one of the major keys to happiness and success in life.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Are you still stressed out even after meditating, working out, journaling, practicing self-care and eating healthy?
Does it feel like it is time for a reset and a new approach?
Are you ready to let your heart guide you?
Marni’s guest, Debbie Rozman is a Behavioral Psychologist, the President, and CEO of HeartMath, and an Educator and Author. She talks about Heartmath from an intellectual point of view and describes how it helped her create changes in her own life. The science shows that practicing HeartMath can accelerate your health, well-being, reduce stress and create flow in your life.
What is HeartMath? [3:33]
Debbie was doing everything she thought she could do in terms of eating healthy, meditation, and a job she cared about but her work was growing so fast she realized she didn't have any skills for addressing the anxiety or challenges she faced. The stress was more than she could manage.
She thought there has to be more to life than this treadmill. She knew something was missing from her life. She was open to receiving a new direction, something different. She then met, Doc Childre who told her it was really about accessing the intelligence of the heart and it's all about love. She knew energetically this was her new path.
There is a way to connect to your heart which is a higher form of intelligence!
HeartMath is a research institute that studies bio-feedback the emotional pull versus intuitive feelings. Heart rate variability, or beat to beat changes, show that physical changes actually match the way we feel emotionally!
Debbie and Doc Childre went deeper into how to shift the heart rate variability pattern quickly.
How to Apply HeartMath to Relationships [20:00]
In a new relationship or first meeting, it is hard to discern what is attracting you to another person. Is it sexual attraction, an emotional sensation or your heart’s intuition?
Learning to discern the difference between the signals of intuition and the signals of mind and security is the work of HeartMath. Debbie says there are specific tips and tools to help us identify what we are feeling.
A technological tool you can use with your smartphone is Inner Balance. It helps you to get into heart rate variability coherence, or in sync. You can see more into what the subconscious is really feeling. It's training yourself how to shift into your own personal intuitive guidance.
The Danger of Loneliness [28:46]
Social support is critical for a human’s health. People who experience loneliness have a higher risk of cardiovascular disease, and heart disease. In fact, loneliness is more of a risk factor for disease than a lack of exercise, poor eating habits, and smoking combined!
It's profound when our heart shuts down from feelings of loneliness or being brokenhearted.
Debbie says there are people who find fulfillment living alone but it’s very important for them to have close friendships.
Ladies, life is about living from the heart. You can live from your head but you will just keep banging it against the wall and wondering why you are not happy. Find coherence.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates