Marni welcomes Dr. Thomas Jordan into the Den to discuss the revolutionary way to change the behavioral patterns that keep you single. His book, Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life, is a culmination of his 33-years as a psychotherapist who has helped individuals and couples enjoy more satisfying and longer-lasting relationships.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Dr. Jordan is devoted to the topic of love and love life difficulties. In working with individuals and couples, he noticed patterns. Many of the people made the same mistakes over and over again but were not conscious of their own patterns.
When a difficulty arose in his love life, he corrected it and wrote his book, Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life to help others.
Most people don't consciously know what they have learned about the love relationships in their lives.
Dr. Jordan’s 3-step Learning to Love Method
Dr. Jordan says it is common for people to generalize, aka the ‘all men are this’ statement, after getting hurt repeatedly. It is a defense mechanism the brain uses to protect us from future pains. How to release this and put an end to the repeating patterns is to ask yourself “What have I learned about love relationships that might be recreating some of this pattern in my love life that's not working?”
If you repeat something over and over in your love life and it is not working, chances are you learned something unconsciously and it is unhealthy.
If you identify a pattern that is causing repetitive disappointment, take a break. Take time to ponder what is moving your love life in the wrong direction. Once you have a conscious awareness you can venture back out into the dating scene.
Communication is the foundation of a healthy love relationship. Dr. Jordan says communication is how you get to know the person you are with and how they get to know you. Good communication is key to solving problems if/when they arise in the relationship.
All human beings have issues and faults.
It is impossible to change another person. Trying to change people in your love life is a bad idea. Dr. Jordan says in his 33-years of practice he has never met a person who successfully changed another person. If you want a healthy, long-lasting love life you must make the decision that the thing you want to change about the other person is not important enough to sacrifice the relationship.
If it is not, practice acceptance.
People tell you a lot about themselves when you first meet them but you have to be listening.
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On this week's Bachelorette recap, Marni and Chris react differently to the high stakes emotional capital that was spent. Chris teared up at homecoming but Marni didn't shed a tear. The guy who should be crying is Ben because he was sent home, but he doesn’t seem to have the emotional capacity to feel anything about it.
Key takeaways from this episode:
It is obvious that Tayisha is an amazing lady. She is mature and makes a solid effort to get to know the guys. Marni is surprised she let Ben go. The new front runner seems to be Zac, but neither Marni, no Chris care much for him. Chris believes Zac needs to stop reverting to making out when Tayisha asks him deep questions.
After Zac and Tayisha’s New-York-inspired date Zac tells his mother that he does want a family and does want a wife, since meeting Tayisha. Marni asks Chris if this is a real thing.
Does a guy just suddenly make major decisions about having a wife and family?
Chris says, yes it is true. The right lady has a way of opening stuff up within a guy and she can inspire him to be a different version of who he is. He says it is a crazy feeling when you are dating someone and a seal is broken. Then, you realize you are open to more possibilities. BUT, a woman can't change a man, it has to be the man’s idea.
Zac seems to keep Tayisha interested by being the most dangerous choice. Chris asks Marni why girls always seem to go for the dangerous guy. Marni explains that many women have an attachment style, like ‘anxious’ attachment. Basically, it means that if a woman didn't get the love she needed from a parent when she was a child you recreate the longing or tension in relationships. A woman will keep trying to get love from someone who does not want to open up. It's a familiar feeling that creates a pattern.
So, even though Ivan is a solid guy, sweet, fun, and playful, Tayisha doesn't seem to be attracted to him. Is there such a thing as a guy being too nice?
Chris said he enjoyed watching the interactions with the guys’ family members. He agrees that valuable information can be ascertained from meeting the family of the person you are dating.
But to whom will make the best groom? The choice is clear, at least to Marni and Chris. Both agree that Brendan seems to be husband material. He is genuine, he listens, he has a ‘real’ job, he is handsome, etc. What’s not to like? But, does Tayisha feel the same?
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Marni welcomes renowned Researcher and published Author, Dr. Richard Davidson into the Den to discuss how to increase connectedness and wellbeing during the COVID pandemic and beyond. Dr. Davidson offers daily practices to help transform our emotions and alter our ability to give and receive love and compassion.
Key takeaways from this episode:
For years, Dr. Davidson studied the adverse effects of stress and depression. He was interested in how to nudge people toward resilience, vulnerability, and other positive qualities but there was no baseline for the scientific research. His Holiness, The Dalai Lama called him out and asked him why he didn’t use his tools to study compassion. It was a wake-up call for Dr. Davidson. He began studying the positive side of the equation.
His Holiness had the orientation of figuring out what was right with people, not what is wrong with them.
It is difficult to conduct serious scientific research on emotions because they are complex human qualities.
The brain plays an important role in our emotions. If the brain has been damaged in some way it can impair emotions. It can have debilitating consequences in many areas of our lives. In dating, the decision to partner with someone is a huge decision. It is not a decision that is made only by calculation, it is made by consulting our emotions.
Four Key Pillars of Wellbeing
Research shows when we cultivate healthy habits it changes our brain in ways that allow wellbeing to endure.
If we spent as much time nurturing the positive qualities of our mind, as we do brushing our teeth, this world would be a different place.
We can transform our brains, they are not static. Every day our brains are changing based on the input it is receiving. When we have practices that focus on compassion and kindness we can alter and increase our wellbeing.
Dr. Davidson says we are in the midst of an epic struggle between the forces of fear and the forces of love. He believes love will win because love is at the core of who we are as human beings. We are socially connected creatures, and at the core of social connection is love.
We can socially connect to others during this pandemic and continue to follow the safety guidelines. Taking precautions by physically distancing and wearing masks is contributing to the greater good.
We have an opportunity to reclaim our true nature of love, kindness, and compassion.
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On this week's Bachelorette recap, Marni and Chris discuss Bennett’s triumphant return, Noah’s spry cleverness, Zach and Ben’s emotional struggles, and Tayshia’s confusing behavior when it comes to choosing a partner. While Tayshia seems to be doing a great job of extracting a guys’ true nature she appears to be leaning toward the guys most in need of repair.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Remember Bennett, the Harvard guy who is really sensible and smart but comes off a bit condescending when he tries to be vulnerable? Well, he is back to woo Tayshia. After his tumultuous departure, he comes back to apologize to Tayisha for judging her. Chris says he missed the big opportunity to explain the entire situation but it was a kind gesture. The question is does Bennett want to win or is he falling in love? The guy at the center of the controversy, Noah, is very clever and has more emotional intelligence than Bennett. But, Noah lies.
Another Tayshia favorite, Ben. has Marni a tad worried. Ben reveals he has tried to kill himself a couple of times in the last few years. He is being vulnerable but Marni questions his ability to be a long-term, reliable partner. His perfectionism may cause him to focus on what is wrong in life instead of what is right.
Ivan seems to be the most stable and emotionally available of all the guys.
Both Zach and Ben have struggled with demons in their past. Marni advises ‘if a guy is working on something be sure to give the relationship some time to see how it pans out. Don't rule someone out because they are dealing with a hardship”.
The Noah/Bennett clash gets heated when Noah points out that Bennett may be talking down to Tayshia. Chris asks Marni about dating someone who is superior in some aspects. Bennett is smart but instead of coming off as superior, most of the guys like him.
Some women love to date super smart guys while others are intimidated by them. Self-confidence is a factor.
Marni recalls the Gottman Institute’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse relationship red flags. One is being critical of your partner. It makes it hard to have a successful long-term relationship. If you get into a major tiff with a partner, engage in apologies, seek mutual understanding, then explore how you can improve interactions in the future.
Are you critical of the people you date?
Chris reveals his thoughts about when men date more than one person and how it differs from when women do it. He says “men are notorious for not having a disconnect about what goes on below the belt but women get attached.” He asks Marni’s opinion about women having several physical relationships at once.
Marni is all about dating multiple people at once. She says that women don’t need to tell guys they are dating other people. She adds “as long as you have your dignity, you can do what you want”.
Ladies, date at least two guys at a time so you don't feel like all your eggs are in one basket.
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Marni welcomes two ladies from the Dating with Dignity community who attended the Ignite Your Life virtual conference, Connie and Annette. The pair share their dating experiences before attending the conference, what they learned at the conference, and tips for other women who are considering enrolling in the upcoming Ignite Your Life virtual event.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Annette and Connie both listened to the Dating Den Podcast before deciding to take the plunge and enroll in the Ignite Your Life Program.
Annette had been on a self-imposed 2-year dating hiatus before joining. She was frustrated with dating because she wasn't meeting quality men. The last few guys she dated before her “break” turned her off of dating. She was okay by herself for a while but the pandemic made it clear to her that she wanted someone in her life.
Connie was married for a long time. She was hoping her guy would just magically show up when the elevator doors opened. She was dating and meeting a lot of nice guys, but she would rule guys out before she would rule them in. She felt like she was going around in circles. She would consult with her married girlfriends about what was normal while dating, but they didn't know. She admits she was clueless about dating. It was scary for her to put herself out there and be vulnerable. After being married for so long, she felt exposed out in the world.
The pandemic gave single ladies a chance to focus on their priorities and decide what they wanted from life and love.
Annette decided to attend the Ignite Your Life event because she was intrigued to be with other women who were going through the same thing she was.
When you downplay your singleness or find shame in being alone, events can be an opportunity to connect.
Connie wanted to uncover something she wasn't seeing. She trusted it when something inside of her said ‘sign up for this’. Once she was in it, she felt open and excited. She had a great time. She says she felt 3-feet higher every day. She did not realize how she was acting and reacting on dates. Listening to other women made her feel not alone. Being part of the community offered her much more than a book, or a video.
Annette says her biggest shift, after the IYL event, is that she started showing up for herself and applying what she learned. It gave her a chance to think about the things she was struggling with. It gave her the tools to help her to move forward.
Connie found it uncomfortable on the first day to reveal what may have been holding her back and to be vulnerable. While it was hard for her, she knew she had to keep going. She uses the analogy of popping a zit. It wasn't fun but it was necessary.
Both women were able to unbottle their emotions and trust the process.
What you reveal, you can heal.
Marni asks if Connie and Annette have any tips for other ladies who are thinking about enrolling in the event. Connie says she is thankful that it showed up in her life and she would have done it sooner had she known about it. Annette’s response mirrors Connies. She wouldn't have waited as long if she had heard about it earlier and she definitely would not have taken the break from dating.
You are worth the investment so jump in with both your head and your heart.
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Marni and Chris discuss Tayshia’s brilliant idea to extract the guys' vulnerability by asking them to create a physical representation of themselves in the form of an art project. This revealing episode of the Bachelorette divulges secrets and sensitive information the guys may not have been comfortable sharing before.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Chris admits this episode made him nervous because the guys had to get super vulnerable during the art project. But, surprisingly, they shed their protective layers and even bonded with each other. Most of the guys talked about how uncomfortable it was to talk about their feelings, but they did it for Tayshia.
The key to a quality guy is that he will get uncomfortable because he wants to make you happy or create a connection with you.
In an unusual move, during the art project, Ben drops his robe to the floor and, with a hand over his private parts, says to Tayshia ‘I want you to see all of me’. It was received well by Tayshia, but to the other guys and viewers, it may have seemed a little douchey. What we learned later was that Ben struggled with bulimia and this was an extremely vulnerable move.
Marni says she likes Brené Brown’s definition of vulnerability. “When you say or do something and you don't know what the outcome will be, but you say or do it anyway.”
If you are an irresistible woman you will inspire a guy to be his best self.
Should a girl rule out a guy because they are recovering from an addiction or has had bad relationships? Chris and Marni are on the fence about the issue. Chris says it depends on whether or not the guy is still stuck in the victim mentality or whether he is actively working on his issues.
Marni says that we are all humans and most people have baggage but if we are truly interested in the person it is important to consider how the person is navigating through it and ultimately what their core values are.
Ladies, if a guy has secrets, be curious, but cautious.
Bennet was one of those in the early episodes that came on strong as a possible winner. He is the smart, handsome Harvard guy. But in this episode, he just won’t leave young Noah alone. Marni says he shows his true colors and while he might seem like the ideal date he comes off like a bad boss who does more harm than good.
Chris adds that even though Bennet is handsome, he is no Clark Kent. Superman wouldn't pick a battle with a lesser opponent.
Bachelorette, Tayshia is confident and mature, so when Eazy shared his strong feelings early in the game she looked a tad uncomfortable. Why would Eazy say that he could see Tayshia as his wife and that he was falling in love with her instead of waiting it out?
It may have seemed nice at first but the pair had not yet talked about their values. Chris and Marni agree that it was way too early for Eazy to share his feelings of love. His being sent home afterward was almost expected.
In dating, it is not about hooking a fish. A relationship is about the long play.
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Marni welcomes a leading expert in women's wellness and menopause Dr. Mache Seibel into the Den. Dr. Mache is a member of the Harvard Medical Faculty, author of the bestselling book, The Estrogen Fix, and editor of the #1 magazine for midlife women, Hot Years Mag.com.
As a gynecologist, Dr. Mache was a leading expert in infertility. He has published over 200 scientific articles and 17 books.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Regardless of who you are, as a woman, there is no getting away from menopause. No matter how you try to avoid it, it is going to happen. It is part of the normal cycle of life. The trick, says Dr. Mache, is to be prepared. Many women believe menopause is something that happens to older women, but the average age in the U.S. is 45-55. And, up to 10% of women go into menopause before the age of 45. 1% of women hit menopause before the age of 40!
For most women, they suddenly begin having foggy brain, hot flashes, lack of libido, sleep problems, etc. But, the medical definition of menopause is one year of no menstruation.
Dr. Seibel says women who figure out how to ease or reduce the symptoms of menopause are more likely to have a smoother transition. Healthy foods, time spent with friends, and plenty of sleep are all effective ways of reducing symptoms.
Ladies, figure out menopause, don’t tough it out! For almost every symptom there is a partial solution to ease it.
If you do not feel motivated to date or don't feel sexy, Dr. Mache says it is common for vaginal tissues to get drier and thinner as women age. These symptoms can be remedied with local treatments. Nobody should have to endure painful sex! If it causes stress within your relationship, it is a problem. It is a medical condition that should be addressed.
Sexual issues or hypo-active sexual desire disorder means you are still interested in sex but it isn’t pleasurable.
The good news is, if you feel apathetic or disinterested in sex, you can do something about it. It's a medical problem. But, there are treatments for you to get your mojo back. Explain how you are feeling to your doctor. Don’t be timid. That is what a doctor is there for.
The most important organ for sex is your brain.
Many women believe menopause equals weight gain, but do reduced hormones really cause them to gain weight? Studies show estrogen limits the amount of weight gain. As a woman goes through menopause, she loses about 3% of her metabolism every decade. If she eats the same calories every decade of her life, slowly, she will gain a dress size.
Dr. Mache shares that fat cells migrate from where they are to new locations like the thighs and hips, or causing muffin tops. Maintaining a certain weight requires great control. Women in menopause should pay more attention to the foods they eat.
When you do not get enough sleep, you make more of the hormone that tells you you are hungry.
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Curious conversations with substance, a girl who collects data and has fun, could this be the closest real dating experience a reality show has ever produced? A shelter in place order at a La Quinta Inn reveals opportunities for Tayshia to make real connections. Marni and Chris Gillis unpack this revolutionary episode of the Bachelorette.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Tayshia’s one-on-one date with Ivan was incredibly vulnerable. It’s important to note, this was a no technology affair. The pair played games and opened up about their feelings the exact things people should do to get to know one another. They had a great time without a single screen in the room.
When Tayshia shared her feelings about being bi-racial in 2020 and the BLM movement she got emotional. Some tears were shed. Ivan wasn’t sure what to do, it was hard for him to be with her and her emotions without trying to solve them or fix them. It was vulnerable for her to share her experience and it created intimacy between the two.
An outpouring of emotion leaves a guy wondering how he can fix the issue.
Tayshia made the most of the Truth or Dare game. She asked good dating questions. She collected data, she was curious, and she truly listened to the responses.
Chris says “If a girl is honest about the questions she asks, a guy will tell you exactly who they are.”
Both Marni and Chris were perplexed by Tayshia giving a rose to Zac because he never let his guard down. Could she be interested in emotionally unavailable guys? Zac had trouble asking straight-forward questions. Is Tayshia enticed by mystery men? Is the chemistry so hot she forgot about her values?
Hot, off-the-bat chemistry has often landed girls with a jerk of a guy.
It makes sense that if fairy tales were the only love guidance we received as girls, we expect guys to fulfill our every desire. But, does the right guy have to be a knight in shining armor?
The structure of the show regrettably promotes the guys proving themselves to Tayshia. But as Marni points out, Tayshia is dating several guys at once, and at the end of the day, the guy with initiative will stand out in the crowd.
In the real dating world, Marni recommends the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy and not sharing that you are dating other people when a guy asks you out.
Women tend to be unconsciously looking for reasons to rule a guy out. Train your brain to rule him in before he rules himself out.
Chris says “Yes, guys are wired differently. So, be direct with them.” He adds that guys are constantly in problem-solving mode. And oftentimes, girls just want to be heard and listened to compassionately, not necessarily fixed.
His advice for ladies, if you do tell a guy to do something he will take it literally. Most men don't see beyond the surface. They miss out on the poetry and the layers you may be feeling.
Guys say what they mean and mean what they say. It is not open to interpretation!
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In this intense coaching episode, Marni gets real about what is keeping Layne enamored with a guy she has only met four times in six years. What they uncover together is that Layne keeps this relationship in her life because she has traumatic wounding from childhood she hasn’t been able to heal.
Key takeaways from this episode:
For six years, Layne has been in a long-distance relationship with a guy who she has only seen in person four times. She is exhausted from pining for a person who gives so little of himself. She keeps herself ‘on the market’ for someone else via online dating but her heart always goes back to him.
Layne describes her crush as an artist. The last time they met was at one of his art installations and they didn’t even kiss. She says she went no contact for a while but he was still on her mind. He makes intermittent contact, but she wants more.
Marni recognizes immediately that the guy makes just enough effort to leave breadcrumbs. She lets Layne know the truth, “If he is truly interested he is going to be more than just a little flirty.”
Layne admits she would rather have a guy whose words match his actions but she is having a hard time finding a guy she has chemistry with. She over-analyzes every conversation and contact with him. She doesn't voice how she feels and she has never been vulnerable with him. She finds it acceptable to be the cool girl.
In order to have a healthy relationship, you have to have emotional safety.
Marni offers Layne some hard-core dating advice:
Layne needs to understand why she has been able to live off of crumbs for so long. And, look at why she continues to be challenged in love and relationships. Maybe, the universe holds more for her?
Layne finally opens up and shares that she felt abandoned by her mother at a very young age. She was left with her grandparents. Her inner child has a big wound she has yet to heal.
Marni empathizes with her and says it sucks to not feel wanted but that is the reason her brain is playing the pattern over and over again. It is trying to protect her from hurt again. Layne needs to love her little ‘who’ through her pain.
The bottom line is while there is a connection with this one guy, Layne should realize she is capable of making a much bigger connection with a guy who is emotionally available when she heals her hurts.
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Marni and Chris Gillis unpack the latest episode of the Bachelorette. The new Bachelorette, Tayshia, is a breath of fresh air on the dating scene. She is playfully collecting evidence about all the guys and having a great time in the process. During this episode, Marni points out what Tayshia is doing right and how some of the guys are missing the mark.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni and Chris express how great it is to see Tayshia, the new Bachelorette, work through the dating process with dignity. Marni points out that she doesn't get overly invested in, or attached to any one particular guy and she seems genuinely interested in finding out who is her best value match.
The key to Tayshia’s winning dating protocol is that she gives all the guys an equal chance. If she notices chemistry growing with a guy she plays and flirts but is still committed to finding matching values. She is data dating.
Past Bachelorettes have mistaken lust for love and lust.
Marni shares a big coaching tip, “Ladies when someone asks you how are you still single, tell your story. Say you are selective, and about the time you spent time building a career or traveling.” Then finish with, ‘but now I am ready'. Chris reminds us not to worry about where you are in your life or if you have found someone or not. Guys understand because many of them are single too.
During the episode, Tayshia asks Noah to shave off his facial hair, aka The ‘stache. Marni asks Chris if it is acceptable to ask someone to change the way they look when dating. Chris doesn't think it’s OK to ask someone to change. He says if a woman really wants a change she should find a way to reward a guy if he changes his look without making it an ultimatum.
Taisha asks Noah “I wonder what your face would look like without that mustache?”
Dating Den Facebook Group Discussion Point: Marni asks “Do you think 'smokeshow' is a derogatory term?” Go to the FB page to share your thoughts.
One of the guys, Ed, wants to share something with Tayshia about one of the other guys. He is sincere when he tells her but it could be construed that he is talking behind the other guy’s back. Did Ed handle it the best way possible?
Chris says he wouldn't want to hear it forcefully, or blurted out, especially if it is a delicate situation. He recommends bringing up feedback like you would like to hear it yourself. If you have a similar situation or can relate to the issue, be honest, and open about what it is and share your concerns. Chris says, if a guy is into you, he will go into hero mode to make sure the situation is rectified.
Marni recalls the Gottman Group's Gentle Startup technique. Start a delicate conversation with a feeling and voice your concern thoughtfully.
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Marni welcomes Jen into the Dating Den. When 55-year-old Jen first joined Marni’s program, she was unmarried Jen . How did it happen that within 10 months she was married? Jen followed the process, did the work, and got clear about what she wanted in a relationship. During this episode, Jen shares how the lessons she learned in the program affect her life daily and how she met her husband.
Key takeaways from this episode:
For many years, Jen had been in a 23-year marriage that produced six children and ended in divorce. She then had a 5-year relationship that ended in a broken engagement. Jen knew she was ready to date again but was discouraged. She wanted a quality relationship but felt lost. What she was lacking was a plan.
When Jen heard about Marni’s program her confidence was at an all-time low. She realized if she continued to do the same things she would get the same results. So, she embraced Marni’s positive energy and decided to jump in with both feet.
Many women don't believe it is possible to have an effective dating process. In reality, it isn't that much different from any other vision or intention you have for your life.
Jen had previously seen a counselor but it didn’t help her to create a concrete action plan.
Jen admits to being skeptical when first signing up. She did not tell her friends or family what she was doing in case it was too good to be true.
But, once she committed herself, Jen started sharing the information she was learning with everyone she knew. She says she felt confident she was getting the guidance she needed.
Jen’s kids began to notice her increased confidence level and mentioned it to her often. She says she felt more self-assured and started to understand her internal processes better. She started voicing her wants and needs and she clearly laid-out her non-negotiables.
Jen launched her dating strategy. She returned to Match.com, but this time it felt different. She went on a few dates before meeting THE guy who shared her values. Following the process brought her value-based, non-negotiables into focus.
“This time, dating was different because now I was clear about what I wanted.”
Jen and Tim built a relationship together. For her, his words matched his actions. For him, she released her fears and trust issues and committed herself to him and their relationship. She describes her life now as peaceful and full of joy and confidence. She shares her
Jen continues to practice the lessons she learned in the program. Self-love and self-appreciation are now part of her daily routine. Her advice for other women looking for a quality relationship, ‘trust the process’ and ‘there is hope’.
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Marni and Chris discuss the passing off of the baton from Clare to Tayisha, the difference in the style of two Bachelorettes, and how wonderful it is to finally get to know the guys on the show.
Key takeaways from this episode:
It took a total of nine days for Clare to meet, fall in love, and get engaged to Dale. Marni says while love, at first sight is possible, a solid relationship may require more than love.
Both Marni and Chris agree that Clare is setting Dale up for failure. She speaks for him and over him. She makes him out to be her knight in shining armor and her savior. We all know where that leads to right? It may make Dale feel like Superman now, down the road, when things get tough, it will always feel like he was the one who let things get sour. It’s too much responsibility for a guy. A relationship should be a partnership.
When you are in a partnership, people notice an opportunity to be part of a team and to shine in what they are good at.
Later in the show, we are introduced to the new Bachelorette, Tayisha. She is instantly liked and the guys flock around her good energy. In contrast to Clare, Tayisha is a breath of fresh air. Chris discusses the characteristics that make her irresistible.
During her first date with Brendan, Tayisha says that she wants to be a mother and would like a lot of kids. Brendan replies in kind saying that being a Dad is important to him too. Chris and Marni discuss the flow of the conversation and why it wasn’t too soon for the pair to bring up their values and goals about a family.
When you have the right person, you can negotiate the details as a team.
Brenden's great move was being vulnerable when he brought up his divorce. When a woman thinks a guy is funny, smart, well-rounded, or kind, their attractiveness factor goes way up.
Vulnerability creates chemistry and connection.
And sadly, we had to say goodbye to the guy Chris Gillis has a man-crush on, cute, honest, manly, emotionally-available, Jason. He announced he had feelings for Clare and he didn’t feel right taking up one of the other guy’s time with Tayisha.
A quality guy will tell you the truth even if it's bad news.
Dating Tips from this Bachelorette Episode:
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Marni welcomes Michal Stawicki into the Den to discuss how to become the person you want to be. Michal is on a mission to support individuals who feel helpless, to expand beyond their limits to regain control over their lives. After years of not being fulfilled or content in his life, Michal read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson. The book inspired him to change his life.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Michal points out that staying in the same place can give us the illusion of comfort but we end up with semi-pleasurable substitutions. To have the life we want we have to make real substantial changes. No one else can do it for us. We have to step up to the challenge and take actions that lead us to our goals.
Meditation and journaling help us to become self-aware of our internal needs. Michal recalls beating himself up and what a waste of time it was.
Are you spending too much time needlessly beating yourself up?
If you can connect to your purpose or your why it can guide you during the moments when you feel like giving up or giving in. Making a personal mission statement is the constitution of who you want to be and the things you want for yourself.
You will never achieve your dreams by accident.
You can not start a journey and expect it to end if you do not know where you are going. You will never achieve your dreams by accident. If you want something, no one else will fight for it for you. No one else can make changes in your life. We may not be able to change our lives overnight but we can take daily steps toward our final goals.
Diminish your negative dialogue. Release the excuses, justifications, and rationale that is keeping you from acting in your best interest. Start by imagining who you want to become. Imagine how your life will be when you become that person. Write it down. Writing things helps them solidify into your reality. They become real things instead of concepts.
Even the smallest amount of joy acts like a vaccine against dark thoughts.
Tips to Change Your Mindset & Rewire Your Brain:
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Marni, Man Panelist Chris Gillis, and special guest Dr. Emily discuss what happened in week four of The Bachelorette, including how Claire went from single to engaged to Dale at breakneck speed. What kind of relationship will they have and what should the other guys think about it?
Key takeaways from this episode:
It took Claire all of five seconds to make herself believe that Dale is THE one. However, she may be wrapped up in the ‘knight in shining armor syndrome’. Because of our upbringing or childhood fairy tales, it’s easy for some of us to launch into our dates thinking that a guy is supposed to sweep us off of our feet.
Therapist Emily says that as teenagers we have physiological, biological, and emotional drivers that we don’t know how to handle because the executive part of our brain isn’t fully formed. The team says that Claire may have been experiencing 'skin hunger' and it may have escalated and triggered her immediate physical attraction to Dale.
Chris offers that Claire may be stuck in arrested development. She is relying on the idea of what she thinks love should be.
Studies show that when we search for a connection we can find connection with anybody, even a person we despise.
Moving too fast with a guy can sabotage what may have been a real relationship. It's a giant scary red flag. A high-quality guy will feel like the relationship is manufactured and he is being pushed and rushed.
Emily points out that it is important to discern between the statement "I'm falling in love” and “I am in love". In Claire’s case, she leads the witness over and over again. Marni wonders if Dale is considering his contract and his Instagram followers more than a long-term relationship at this stage.
Remember, women speak in 21,000 words a day and men only speak in 7000. It’s a good idea to give your date a chance to tell you about themselves. Pay attention to the excessive amount of words Claire used in her ‘I love you’ speech.
Marni poses the question, if you have a crush, obsession, or unrequited love is it possible and be open to dating someone else?
Chris says it would be hard to pivot from one person to another after you just opened up and expressed your desires to someone else. He says guys generally close up and need time before getting back in the game.
So, how can we show up as our best selves after someone rejects us? Marni points out that there is a lot we can learn from rejection, but the most important thing to remember is that it's not personal.
Chris says if someone rejects us we should be open to their honest feedback as we can learn a lot from it. It gives us the unique opportunity to decide what to take from it and let the rest go.
If you are attracted to someone and they don’t reciprocate don't beat yourself up about it and don’t give it meaning.
Dating Advice from this Episode:
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The Bachelorette is back! Marni and Man Panelist Chris Gillis are back to break down this week’s jaw-dropping episode. They comment on the drama, the expectations, and the missed opportunities for connection and transform it into dating guidance.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The latest Bachelorette, Clare Crawley, asked the guys to take off their clothes on national television. She makes it known she wants a man to pursue her and court her properly.
When contestant, Yosef voices his valid concerns to Clare he is confronted with a strong reaction. He says “Maybe, this isn’t a match”. Clare wants to be pursued and she doesn’t feel that the guys are into her because they don’t meet her expectations.
Chris makes the point that when a woman calls out a man for not being assertive enough the subtext is that she needs to be constantly reminded of her value. If her value is based on what a guy thinks no man can make her feel worthy. He says she says ‘I'm strong’ but appears needy. It's exhausting to watch and no guy wants to sign up for that.
Marni points out that Clare was leaking fear, doubt, and insecurity and she reminds us to consider, when are our standards and expectations just ways to make guys wrong or not good enough.
So, is Yosef a strong guy or is he vengeful? It is hard to know if he is a jerk or in it for the right reasons.
Dale is super handsome but could Clare have known he was her future partner from just seeing him one time? Marni believes Clare built up pseudo-intimacy and a narrative in her mind about who Dale is. Clare can’t possibly know if she and Dale share the same values after just one look.
Dale talks a lot about the Bro Code but his actions don't match.
A report from The Gottman Institute shows 69% of issues in a relationship are perpetual. Clare doesn’t seem to be curious about any of the guys, even Dale. She is full-steam ahead, hurrying her way through the process.
Chris describes a past relationship where his ex-girlfriend was looking for Prince Charming. It was a no-win situation. The girl puts her happiness in the hands of the guy and the guy can never live up to saving her because she needs to save herself. Clare has these tendencies.
When you do not resolve your core issues, they play over and over again in your relationships.
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Marni coaches a self-proclaimed chronically single woman who used to run a Jewish singles company. Even though Susan has organized meet-ups and networking events there is still something holding her back from meeting a guy with the qualities she wants. This episode is for the ladies who don’t attract men at their level.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Pre-COVID, Susan used to go on 3-5 first dates a month. But, since the pandemic, she feels that many guys are just looking for hookups right now. She even had to deal with someone who chastised her for what they believed to be her political stance.
Her pattern is to go through a series of short relationships for a few months and then return to being single again. She wants someone who is driven and passionate about life.
Marni uncovers that Susan may be intellectually confident her unconscious beliefs that she is not worthy may come into play when she meets a guy.
When dating, if your worthiness is dependent on external validation then how likely is it you can be resilient, show up confident, and be rejection proof?
Susan’s love shield is marred by the shame message, or the internalized negative parent voice, that she is not enough. When we have a message instilled into us in childhood, we either attract people or experiences into our life that reinforce the message because it's familiar.
As children, we believe what our parents tell us about ourselves even if it doesn’t sit well with us. Because our brains aren’t able to support independent thought at that time. If our parents don’t supply us with unconditional love we feel unworthy of it.
Susan attracts men who are not at her level because she knows she can be in control and not have to worry about being enough. Unconsciously, she thinks ‘what does it matter’ this isn’t going anywhere anyway.
We attract people or experiences into our lives based on our childhood wounding.
She is not doing it from a place of intention. She is leaking. To shift her outcomes in dating, she needs to heal her childhood wounding. Intellectually, she believes she is worthy of a fabulous person to love and that she will find the person for her but her wounded inner child is still running the show.
To be with someone who is at your level is to expose your vulnerability.
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Marni graces us with a solo episode today about how to get your beautiful, authentic self into the top 10% of the dating pool.
Key takeaways from this episode:
When a guy sees you as confident and self-reliant he knows you don’t need him to make yourself feel important, seen, known, whole, and loveable. He will be attracted to the fact that he can give you all of his love but you can fill up your own tank. This is the key to adding to each other's lives.
Men want to believe that their life will be enhanced if you are in it. If you are leaking your unconscious limiting beliefs you are just showing up without a strategy. When you go out on a date a man can recognize that you aren't comfortable in your own skin.
A quality guy doesn't want to be emotionally responsible for making you whole.
Remember, your unresolved and unhealed childhood wounds keep you emotionally stuck. You may have intellectually done the work, but it may be unresolved emotionally.
When you don't feel emotionally safe it is hard to be vulnerable and to have boundaries. And, true emotional confidence comes from feeling emotionally safe. This is how you uncover your true authentic self.
How do you react to things? How do you interpret emails and texts? How do you armor up to protect yourself from rejection?
Look at the process underneath your behavior? Are you coming from an emotionally wounded place? For the man who thinks you are amazing and attractive if you are emotionally leaking it may not be something he can sustain for the long term.
When you communicate your full, authentic self. It comes through in your body language, energy, and essence. This is what is irresistible to men.
Take an honest assessment of yourself and find the gaps. It is in the gaps that you can create your intention. Fill yourself up with self-love.
Where do you need to do the work?
How can you feel completely safe so you allow more of yourself to be present? How can you allow more of your yummy, delicious, authentic self to be present? What is getting in the way of you being in the top 10% percent?
Remember, it is not how old you are, it's not the weight on the scale, it's not where you live... those are convenient justifications.
When you exude confidence. You attract the high-quality guy and you will commit yourself to each other.
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Marni welcomes Emyrald Sinclaire into the Dating Den to discuss how women can manifest the man they have always wanted. Emyrald is a Love and Manifestation Coach, a Speaker, a self-love expert, and author of the book, Destination Soulmate. Her mission is to help 500,000 women manifest the love of their life.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Many women rely on their stories to guide them in their search for love. We say things like “there are no good men in my town” or “I’m too successful” or “there are no men worth my time”. Some of us argue for our limitations and unwittingly block ourselves from relationships.
Emyrald busts the myth that finding love in a remote place is difficult. She shares her story of consciously manifesting 3 men in her life. She even started a four-year relationship with a guy in a tiny, backwater town in Ecuador.
It doesn't matter where you are, you can manifest everything you want in a partner.
To manifest the guy you desire, Emyrald says it all comes down to getting clear about what you want and removing what is blocking you. And, for many women, the blocks are just the stories they are telling themselves. Is your story serving you?
Feel into what a partnership would look like and ask yourself if you can embody that level of commitment in all aspects of your life.
Be ready to commit with your mind, body, and soul.
To figure out what your limiting beliefs or blocks to finding love are, Emyrald suggests writing a letter to God. She recommends asking God to let her guidance work through your pen. Then, let the answers within your heart spill out onto the page.
Feelings caused by fear have excited angst about them. Intuition has a loving tone to it.
Remember that nothing anyone else does is about you. If you are triggered by something a partner does it is about your wounds, not theirs. Use the opportunity to grow and connect with them at a deeper level.
It seems difficult at the moment, but we can use ‘regrettable incidents’ in a relationship to grow closer to our partner. We can also learn not to be triggered by external stressors that create knee jerk reactions.
Emyrald says, open and honest communication is key.
For women, it is important they use their emotional intelligence and speak up about what is important to them from the very beginning of the dating process. Women tend to play the 'cool' girl. We act like things don't bother us because we don't want to be the crazy woman that is overly emotional. But, if we are communicative and truly understand our needs, your partner will respond accordingly.
Marni says that when we are with someone who is equally committed to the relationship bumps in the road become opportunities to grow closer.
Emotional Intelligence is a skill that can be learned.
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Marni welcomes Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach, Nicole Crane into the Dating Den to discuss flirting and consent. Nicole is Woman's Empowerment Mentor who is passionate about holistic healing including sexuality. She is a polyamorous, pansexual, sex worker who has a fetish for talking about consent and boundaries.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Women have a tendency to be uncomfortable talking about boundaries, consent, and things that make us feel unsafe due to the conflicting messages in the media and society. For decades, we have been told to be flirty, but not too flirty, be sexy, but don’t lead a man on. It’s downright confusing!
Nicole says the most important thing a woman can do it trust her gut. No matter what someone is saying verbally, trust what you are feeling. It's important to cultivate trust with yourself. If a woman knows what she wants and trusts herself she doesn’t worry about what other people say.
But, men can be confused too. Consent is very polarized. A man may want to follow a woman’s lead and respect her boundaries but if she is unclear about what she wants, they pick up on it. A lot of good men are leaning away from embracing sexuality and making the first move.
The way forward is to normalize consent and make it sexy. Practice having conversations in the mirror until it feels comfortable.
What happens when women don't speak with an open heart when they intend to set a boundary? Nicole says it can muddy the water if you say things you don't mean or you are not being clear or true. Marni calls this leaking.
If a woman feels she wants or needs something sensually, sexually, or when setting a boundary, she needs to audaciously ask for it. Don’t worry about appearing needy. It’s your experience too. If you are unsure, Nicole recommends practicing in front of a mirror until you get a full-body yes from yourself. This will prime you with confidence when with a partner.
Vulnerability is a total turn on.
It's good to embrace the things that make you feel confident. Just don't go over the top. The best choice is to be feminine, open, and flirty. If heels make you feel good wear them, if your favorite dress makes you feel curvy, put it on, just remember there is a middle ground.
Nicole, who works with men all the time, says “Men get overloaded if you come out with your A-game. They can get overloaded with desire and their brain forces them to objectify you.”
For women who feel they are not being valued for who they are and believe men just want to sleep with them, trust your gut. If someone does not value you as a human being and isn't looking for a deeper connection, trust your feelings. Say what is on your mind. If you are super attracted to the person and they explain the miscommunication, it is ok to give them a second chance.
Setting a boundary does not create a conflict. It lets a man know what you want and allows him to be honest about what he wants.
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Marni welcomes Development Coach, Author, Speaker, and Podcast Host Anahita Joon into the Dating Den. On her God, S*x, & Everything in Between podcast and in her book, Beauty Unleashed Anahita helps women restore their energy and feel more lovable. She has 27 years in personal development work and is known as a modern priestess and medicine woman.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Anahita reminds us of the unnecessary pressure put on women because of societal expectations. We are constantly bombarded with what others think real beauty is. Our beauty is not found in make-up. Everything in life is sourced from your relationship with yourself.
She recommends we learn how to see through new eyes to see our magnificence. Once you see it there is no way to unsee it. Think about the women you see that are exuding confidence and joy. It doesn't matter what they look like they are beaming.
Can you look at the mirror and love yourself?
We don't live in our bodies, we live in our minds. Most women don't feel safe to live fully in their bodies. By magnifying your sacred feminine you can radically change your life and learn to love yourself deeply.
Mother Nature doesn't make mistakes.
Anahita says that everything is vibration. There is a unique vibration that comes through your hair, skin, and eyes. It's the sacred triad. It forms a unique frequency. In her work, she studies 3500 colors to find the 50-75 colors that harmonize with a woman. Her work helps women discover the sacred feminine, the goddess part of themselves.
We have been taught that we have to mold ourselves into certain roles, to be respectable, to get ahead, or to be seen as virtuous. But, it is such a lie. We use our vital energy to fulfill someone else's expectations. Let's start directing our energy to the pleasurable things in life.
70% of all communication is visual. If we dress in harmony with our essence people will see our true nature. When you wear the colors that are in harmony with your sacred triad you get in harmony with yourself.
If your natural hair color is brown and your eyes are brown, learn to love brown. It’s the color essence of who you are. There is an opportunity to come into congruence. Fall in love with who you are.
When it comes to aging the best we can do for each other is to honor each other's choices.
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In this episode of the Dating Den, Marni has a one-on-one coaching session with Jennifer. Jennifer has decided that she would rather be alone than continue dating men who don’t fit her mold of Mr. Right for her. Marni helps Jennifer to identify what she can do to shift her paradigm.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Jennifer never thought she would be alone when she turned 50. Everyone she knows asks her how is it that she is still single. She meets possible dates online, she has done all the personal development work yet she can’t seem to find the right guy for her. When she does date someone she gives up after 3-4 dates.
She admits to being independent, knowing her worth, and her resolve to not settle for anyone who doesn’t check all of her boxes. She has recovered from some tough stuff in life and is prepared to go it alone if need be.
Marni bluntly asks Jennifer what she is protecting herself from. Jennifer opens up a bit and reveals she doesn't want to get hurt again and she feels that if she cuts off the contact first she feels in control of the situation. Marni reminds her that she is protective of her emotional safety. She puts up a giant shield to protect herself.
Is your mask of independence really an unhealed wound?
Jennifer realizes she put up a barrier to protect herself and moves quickly away when she is triggered by things she thinks will hurt her. She is attracting men who prove her right and she instinctively rules guys out when she could be collecting more data.
Marni says she will attract a whole different set of men when she is energetically, consciously, emotionally,and unconsciously more open.
The fact that she is dating guys who are dating other women shows that they are emotionally unavailable just like she is. She is consistently attracting the same thing over and over again.
Until she is 100% emotionally available she won't attract the kind of guy she is looking for.
Jennifer’s takeaways are:
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In this episode of the Dating Den, Marni speaks with International Transformational Leader, Tantra Educator, and Author of Liberation into Orgasm, Sophia Sundari.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Sophia explains that Tantra is not something crazy hippies did in the 1970s. Tantra is a spiritual path that includes all types of expressions of life. In Tantra, everything is looked at as energy, and sex is the energy of creation.
We are all spiritual beings and we all are souls incarnated. Sex is where all life begins. It is the beginning of our spiritual path. Even for those who may have trauma around sex or haven’t fully stepped into their sexual energy yet.
Sexual energy is loud because it is the root energy of life itself.
The inability to connect to our feminine energy is the root cause of so many issues in life. Tantra can help us deepen our connection and embrace our feminine energy.
Most of our sexual education comes from pornography and Sophia says it is a shame because it causes people to believe they must perform or manifest something outwardly. On top of that, women are wired to be in a multi-awareness space. We can get stuck in our heads during a sexual experience.
A conscious sexual experience when we are fully present in the moment. It’s a high form of meditation. Inviting and inspiring our partners into a conscious sexual experience is a gift of the feminine.
When we are filled up from within we don’t have to work hard to find a partner. Partners are automatically attracted to us.
Sophia shares the top 3 tips for how women can have a deep connection with their femininity:
If you are vibrating at full frequency you will attract a man that is right for you.
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In this episode of the Dating Den, Marni speaks with Speaker, Coach, and Branding Expert, Amy Ogden about genuine ways to make human connections during and beyond the COVID pandemic. Amy is the brainchild behind ‘How to Catch a Human in the Wild’ and the ‘Sufficiency is Sexy’ TedX Talk.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Amy believes in making simple 30-second connections with other humans as she traverses NYC. She makes a commitment for the day to not use her phone during her idle times and instead focuses on the humans around her. Her intention is to make someone else’s day just a little bit better.
During this pandemic, people are realizing just how alone they really are. They are begging for connection right now. She says if you are at home behind a screen, love on people through social media. If you get out of the house, love on people with a compliment.
The key to making human contact is compliments and questions. It gives you something to talk about.
Catching human connection is a social muscle you develop over time. Be fearless with love and be fearless with kindness.
As a woman, it is impossible for you to be creepy, so be the hero and start a conversation. Get rid of the boundaries and barriers you've been creating for years. Use exploratory energy to make the human connections you so greatly deserve. What if your new friend has a brother or co-worker who would be perfect for you?
Remember, it’s about collecting data to rule a person in, not rule them out. It’s so easy to get stuck in our self-imposed status quo.
Amy’s Tips for Making Connections:
In Amy’s TedX Talk, Sufficiency is Sexy: The Rest is House Money, she describes how fun life can be when you take chances. Her advice is to quit holding on to what you think is going to make you happy. When you look back, you will realize that you set a bunch of goals, achieved the goals, and then set new ones. When do you take the time to celebrate?
Imagine sitting with your younger self and telling them how great their life turns out. Take a moment to savor how awesome you have become.
You are a human being living a human experience. Don't live your life looking at screens and ignoring the beautiful souls around you.
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In this episode of the Dating Den, Marni coaches Allison, who is living in Italy trying to avoid the ‘I give up’ syndrome because she is not attracting the right guys online. She asks Marni for guidance about how to filter through her options faster and how to create a more focused approach to her dating life. Her goal is to find a guy who shares her values and vision.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Before COVID Allison was dating online and going out with people she met a few times a month. But she was overwhelmed by meeting so many guys that were different than who she thought they would be. She is really hoping for in-person chemistry.
Marni gives Allison permission to ask for an in-person date faster. She warns that Allison may be creating pseudo-intimacy with a person because the chatting back and forth mimics interest and connection. But by the time Allison actually meets the guy, it is disappointing because the connection isn’t real.
There is nothing to fear. We are all just human beings who want to find a partner.
If someone isn't willing to make a plan, it lets you know about his interest level and his integrity. Traditional gender roles don't apply until you meet. There is too much to do in today’s world. You don't need a penpal or to create a false sense of connection.
Allison says she is cautious about adding that she wants a long-term relationship and kids to her profile. Marni encourages her to be clear, direct, and her authentic self. She uses the analogy of a department store not marketing to its target market. The point hits home with Allison, who is tired of wasting time.
Your online brand should be creative, engaging, flirty, and fun.
If you create a better online brand for yourself, you are going on dates curious, open, and optimistic about whether the person you are with has the same vision and values as you. The bottom line is that you want to rock the boat and shake out the guys who aren’t what you are looking for more quickly.
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Are you ready to release your magic? In this episode of the Dating Den, Marni welcomes Intuitive Transformational Coach Stephanie Dawn to discuss how-to awaken, embody, and amplify the magic you already have inside of you. Stephanie is on a soul mission to change the idea that magic is something outside of ourselves.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Many of us seek magic in other people, a job, or something outside of us. It’s as if we expect something external to ignite the fire within us. But, what if we focused on listening to our inner magic, our intuition that tells us when we are on the right path?
Before her breakthrough, Stephanie says she was the type of woman who was always in a relationship. Her self-worth was based on what other people thought it was. But, 2 years ago, she realized her life wasn’t what it was supposed to be. She was working toward checking off all the boxes. She was engaged, she was working to create a successful business but something was off.
My intuition was trying to tell me that something wasn’t right.
“We've been conditioned to think and feel the same way. It’s deep programming about what supposedly will bring women fulfillment” she says. To fully bring forth our inner magic we need to ask the deep questions of ourselves similar to the questions we ask of others.
How much do I trust myself?
Am I doing something that will make me whole?
The ascension path is getting in touch with your magic. It is stepping into who you are and who you truly are. Uncovering your soul path and purpose can carry some weight and seem daunting, but just getting in touch with your magic and stepping into who you are is attainable.
During the 2020 pandemic is a good time to look at your life and be honest with yourself. Ask yourself, what you need, and what has changed for you. What beliefs don’t feel right for you anymore?
Stephanie reminds us that the big struggle is when we try to look at what everyone else is doing. If you have never actually listened to what is going on in your head, or your intuition, it can be hard to honor it. But, resisting it is harder over the long term.
It’s important to follow through with what comes through when tapping into our intuition and use the energy we feel.
Communicating Your Magic [25:14]
Don't minimize your reactions or feelings. It's important to talk about it. If something affects you positively or negatively show it and discuss it with your partner. It’s not healthy to be the cool girl.
Know that what you have to say is worth hearing. If you are in a relationship the other person wants to know. Any conversation that tells your partner what you need is a good conversation.
Being specific really helps a guy. Remember ladies, there is no manual.
It all comes down to you and your magic. You wouldn't just set magic on a shelf, you would nurture it and show it off.
Love is the most magic thing but it can only be magic if you recognize your magic in it.
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Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates