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The Dating Den

Each week on the podcast, I’ll be interviewing the world’s top experts in attraction, dating, communication, sex, and relationships, as well as coaching real women LIVE, through their real life dating challenges… that are probably a lot like yours!
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Now displaying: February, 2020
Feb 29, 2020

In this episode, Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down Episode 9 to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios you can use in your life to make finding a real, high-quality guy easier. 

 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

  • The strong emotions we feel after physical intimacy
  • Why self-worth should be based on more than physical assets
  • The importance of trust and commitment in a relationship
  • How the relationships from our past bleed into our dating life
  • Why you should set the record straight about your values

 

Why Do We Feel Safe After Sex? [1:16]

 In episode nine, it is implied that Peter had sex with both Hannah and Victoria F. During the postcoital conversation, Victoria told Peter she loved him.  

 

Marni says that Victoria F. felt validated by having sex and she experienced a safe feeling from it. Chris agrees, saying that most of Victoria F’s self-worth is based on her physical appearance. It’s possible she was high on hormones and that is what made her act differently after sex.

 

Peter seems to thrive on chaos. He may be in lust with 3 women but he doesn't know what he wants. When Victoria F. opens the door for feedback but gives away her power by asking Peter what she needs to work on. Peter avoids the conversation by saying ‘oh, nothing’.

 

The two things you need in a relationship are trust and commitment. And, Peter doesn’t trust Victoria F. enough to have a real conversation. Marni recommends holding off on physical intimacy while you are collecting data about a person.

  

The Mythology of a Good Relationship [13:25]

We all grow up in different environments and we have mythologies of what a relationship should be. Based on Chris's life observing the relationships in his life, he thought relationships should be chaotic with abandonment, pushing and pulling with a lot of uncertainty. He grew accustomed to relationships having a lack of commitment.  

 

Peter needs constant validation and to make sure the girls are into him. He seems to want the girls to be dependent on him. His version of love is bathed in chaos. 

 

Marni points out that mature love doesn’t need drama. Life provides enough chaos. Think about the relationship environment you grew up in, do your current relationships create the same environment? 

 

Mean What You Say and Say What You Mean [21:42]

Peter has said that sex in a relationship is very important to him. Yet, Madison who has decided to abstain from sex until after marriage has failed to mention it to him on several dates. 

 

If you have something big about yourself that you are holding back, like not wanting to have kids or abstaining from sex, you need to be upfront and direct about telling the other person. Maybe not on the first date, but early enough in the relationship so it doesn’t seem like a bombshell. 

 

When Madison finally shares her truth, Peter asks her to change her values for him. 

 

Marni says Peter reaches out for what he can’t have. He thrives on controlling the relationship. Chris wants to analyze Peter’s upbringing because he knows it was screwed up. 

 

Make a Connection:

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Feb 28, 2020

Marni welcomes Certified Transformational Nutrition Coach and Women's Weight Loss Expert, Karen Martel to the Dating Den to discuss her transformational weight loss program. Kern struggled with her own health/weight issues before becoming a specialist in helping women break through the emotional and hormonal stressors we all deal with. 

 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

  • How to make small adjustments until you see progress
  • Our bodies are hardwired to eat as many carbs as we are able
  • Why keto without carb cycling may be hurting your weight loss efforts
  • Why you should not wait to date until you lose weight

 

Losing Weight from a Biological and Evolutionary Standpoint [3:27]

 When it comes to mainstream dieting what we are being told is incorrect. 90% of doctors are still saying that to lose weight women need to cut their calories and work out more but that information is backward. Our bodies are programmed for survival and hardwired to eat calorie and sugar-rich foods. Hunter-Gatherers would eat as much as they could because they didn't know when they would eat again. 

 

Based on the incorrect information women get caught in the trap of counting macronutrients and tied to a number an app spits out. It can drive them crazy because they are miserable and starving themselves. And, when our brain receives a starvation signal, it slows down the metabolism to conserve energy and fat on the body. 

 

Newer diets like the fasting and Keto diets are ruining women's metabolisms when they don't carb cycle. It works well, to begin with, but the effectiveness stalls out. The body can not lose weight long-term through calorie restriction because we are hard-wired for survival.

The Mind-Body Connection in Weight Loss [10:58]

 For those of you who are waiting to date until you reach a certain shape, wouldn't you rather have a man fall in love with you as you are, even if you are heavier? You can't guarantee that your weight is going to change so stop living your life or go out and accept that this may be the way it is. There are men out there who will accept you for who you are. 

 

As a Nutritionist, Karen doesn't believe in cheat days because you are only cheating on yourself. And, you want to cheat more because you have made it `bad’ in your mind. But, some women don't have control over their eating habits because eating is very emotional. There is no diet or exercise program that will help you to lose weight if you don't deal with the emotional part of why you are eating first. 

 

Food and alcohol are quick and easy things to put in our mouths to make us feel better instantly. It doesn't last but it is instant. 

 

Finding Your Weight Loss Code [22:57]

Every woman is unique and it takes something different for each of us to lose weight. Diet is the number #1 factor in weight and weight loss. Karen recommends experimenting and making adjustments to your diet to see what works for you. If the food you are eating doesn’t make a change then you may have classic weight loss resistance and you need to work with your hormones (or lack of hormones) to set you straight. Facing your emotional baggage can make you lighter in so many ways. 

 

How many women do you see in their 40's and 50's with perfect physiques? Start looking at the women who you find beautiful. 

 

Look at all the pieces that contribute to your health and happiness and start making adjustments until you find your code. It takes time but it’s worth it when you are able to leverage your powerful, intellectual spiritual, emotionally-healthy self. 

 

Make a Connection:

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Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Karen Martel

Karen Martel on Facebook 

Feb 21, 2020

Marni welcomes a lady who excels in giving practical financial advice to her clients. Robin Da Vinci is the author of The Common Sense Guidebook to Mastering Your Money Critical Skills You Should Have Been Taught as a Kid But Never Were. She was born into financial hardship. Her experiences transformed her views on money and for 35 years she has worked as a personal money manager. Her goal is to empower the millions of us who work hard just to get by and then offering proven solutions on how to live a spectacular life on any budget. 

 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

  • How your money mindset leaks into your dating life
  • How the Disney princess syndrome sends you down the wrong path in dating
  • How to take control of your spending
  • What values in a man are more important than his financial portfolio

How Your Past Influences Your Current Money Values [1:54]

What you were taught about money and spending leaks into every aspect of your life. Robin grew up believing, much like a Disney Princess, that someone was going to come along and rescue her. Her mother consistently promoted the idea that she had to find a man to take care of her. 

 

She says women who are dating in their 40s or 50s, don't often look at what they have done with their money. She advises them to take the time to reconnect with all of their money interests. Do a reboot of your money to prepare for your 60s. If you want to have a relationship with someone, even a partner in business, you have to come to the table clean, or at least with honesty and say "this is my financial picture and I'm starting over".  

 

People do not want to get screwed over by someone's financial condition they didn't know about. It’s called financial infidelity.

 

How to Avoid Income Inequality in a Relationship [12:14]

Later in life, many women may find themselves the breadwinner in a relationship. If you make more, you have to go to the level of the person who has less.  Move toward a percentage system and put a value on things that add to the relationship that may not be income. Robin says there has to be an equalizer. No one person should have all the power over financials. Financial intimidation is a weapon of mass destruction and may ruin a relationship. 

 

If you have the ‘money power’ you must switch your mindset into ‘we’ type thinking. Break the habit of deferring to one person. Get on track with spending ideas and annual goals. It is up to the payer to step up and bring equality to the relationship. Have common goals and visions for the future. 

 

How to Overcome Your Past Money Programming [28:16]

A critical skill to overcome your past money programming is to figure out how much you need to get through your day. Take each day to the smallest denominator, find out what your number is and start living your life in the moment instead of banking on your paycheck. Wake up every day with the knowledge of what you need for that day. 

 

If your parents didn't talk to you about money, you need to write down how you handle your money. If you have six daily receipts review them and keep them in one place. Match your receipts up and see what you are spending. 

 

If you are a parent, Robin recommends taking your children grocery shopping to let them see how the household money is spent. Empower your kids to have a money mindset.

 

Emotional impulse buying is a no-no. If you are happy, don't spend money. If you are sad don't spend money. Don't do anything during an extreme period in your life. Highs and lows are not the time to spend money.  

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Feb 15, 2020

In this episode, Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down Episode 7 to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios you can use in your life to make finding a real, high-quality guy easier. 

 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

  • How to know if a guy is emotionally available
  • Asking follow up questions
  • How to avoid falling for someone’s potential 
  • How to express your emotional fear
  • Chaos and drama are not intimacy

 

Is Peter Emotionally Available? [1:09]

In episode seven, Peter is showing signs that he may not be an emotionally available man. He seems to be attracted to drama over conversations. When Kelley tells him she is having fun he seems disappointed that she isn’t more into him.  When he walks Victoria F. over to the road, he says ‘I don’t mind a little crazy’. 

 

Chris says just because a guy says something he may not actually mean it. If you are watching the show you know Peter isn't ready. His actions are not consistent with his words. When the girls turn it back on him, he freaks out. He is being in-congruent. It’s proof that you must collect data over time. 

 

There are men who are addicted to drama and the crazy. BUT,  he is not the guy who will offer a consistent, stable, and healthy relationship. If you are attracting those guys you need to stop the drama.

 

Ladies, don’t fall for potential. You can’t change a guy he has to want to do it on his own. 

 

When Peter doesn’t give Kelley the rose this week, she proves she is rejection proof when she tells him he has some things to figure out and she appreciates him saving her time. She is emotionally grounded and secure. She recognizes that it’s not a match and that it’s not about her. 

 

Chris says Kelley didn’t need to waste her time on him anyway. It’s a blessing to be rejected sometimes.   

 

Ask Follow Up Questions [12:36]

During this episode, we get to see the conversations that take place during the dates. Madison opens up about her faith, family, and what's important to her. Peter answers with an 'uh-huh'. He should have used the opportunity to ask a follow-up question. 

 

Marni and Chris agree that Peter is leaving so much information on the table. He could simply ask one question, ‘What do mean by that exactly?’ he could have uncovered so much more.  Chris is a tad annoyed with Pete continually keeping conversations at a surface level and him constantly saying ‘I love that’. 

 

When someone shares something personal about themselves ask questions about the details. 

 

How to Express to Your Partner That You Are Scared [17:47]

Victoria F. is unable to articulate her vulnerability without walking away. She had an opportunity to be powerful and she came off as whiny and victimy. She is leaking her emotions all over the place. Kelley, on the other hand, isn’t interested in dramatic games. 

 

When conversations get challenging for you how do you react? Marni says you need to be able to articulate your feelings in a way that isn't emotionally immature. Don’t walk away. Learn to handle tough conversations in a mature way. 

 

Kelsey reveals that she is asking Peter to keep her secret. Is she playing with Peter as a dumdum dog? Is she manipulative? 

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Feb 14, 2020

What makes some people happy? It’s not money or fame, it’s the quality of the relationships a person has with other people. To find out how we can make dating and relationships easier to navigate and how we can create lasting change in our lives, Positive Psychologist, Researcher, and Author, Dr. Tim Bono joins Marni to discuss his book, Happiness 101: Simple Steps to Smart Living & Well-being. 

 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

  • Shared traits of happy people
  • What determines if a relationship will work
  • How to channel your emotions into changed behaviors
  • How to proactively build wellness
  • Putting new behaviors into practice

Positive Psychology Studies How to Build Happiness [2:01]

 Positive Psychology goes beyond the traditional psychology practice of treating disease, anxiety, and depression and works to create behaviors and mindsets to proactively build happiness in our lives. 

 

Dr. Tim says ‘we thought the brain couldn't be changed after the age of 20-25 but in the 90s breakthroughs in science showed us that the brain can and does change over our entire lives.’ This means practicing intentional behaviors will cause the brain to rewire and restructure itself. 

 

Studies show that one of the strongest predictors of happiness is the relationships we have with other people. Many people pursue relationships because they believe it will fix their unhappiness but it’s not when we find a partner we will become happy it's when we become happier we will attract a partner to us. 

 

But, what small changes we can incorporate into our lives to build happiness? Dr. Tim says not to treat happiness as a destination. Making small practices over time accumulate real changes in your brain. 

 

The most important characteristic that predicts whether a relationship has what it takes to last for the long haul is how a couple navigates conflict. 

 

Studying the happiest people and happiest relationships show the happiest people are not happy all the time. They approach life and relationships with the understanding that to have success in life and relationships is that these things are hard. They are able to cope with conflict and deal with it head-on. 

 

The Pitfalls of Social Media  [18:58]

Do you find yourself scrolling until your hands hurt? It’s because social media capitalizes are our natural tendency to want to be liked by others. It releases dopamine into the brain much like an addiction. It offers a short term burst of gratification but it doesn't build long-term happiness.

 

Happiness requires authentic connections with real people. We are replacing real authentic connections with real people with superficial ones. It doesn't promote well-being. 

 

Close your browser and do something else that can actually build happiness.

 

Ladies, your dream guy is not going to come knock on your door. If you start by doing things that make you happy you will start attracting people to you.  One very important component of positive psychology is self-discipline and emotional regulation. It’s about building the psychological capacity to acknowledge temptations when they come up. Then saying no,  that is not good for me right now I am going to do the behavior that is better for me. 

 

Change Your Behavior in Dating [31:00]

The most effective way to change behavior is to observe it, write it down, and get an accountability partner for nonjudgmental support. If you are facing stress don’t allow it to stay in your mind.  Emotions can lead to vicious thinking cycles and get blown out of proportion. The act of translating emotion into language is one of the most effective ways to gain a realistic perspective of it. 

 

Studies show taking just 15 minutes to write down your stressors from the day engages the regions of the brain that are responsible for logic and analysis. It allows us to extract meaning and learn something from how we are feeling. 

 

Ask yourself what can I learn from this? 

 

In dating, people who admit their vulnerabilities, flaws, and insecurities are more approachable and leave the door open for people to find common ground and build a relationship with. 

 

You don't want to say ‘here are all the things that are wrong with me on a first date’ but you want to be relatable.



Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

The Integrity Advantage: Step Into Your Truth, Love Your Life, and 

Happiness 101: Simple Steps to Smart Living & Well-being 

Feb 8, 2020

The Bachelor is back! Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down Episode 5 to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios that you can use in your life to make finding a high-quality guy easier. 

 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

  • How a lack of emotional maturity cripples your ability to have a healthy relationship 
  • How healthy vulnerability is different than being overly emotional
  • How to handle rejection
  • When to express your feelings for a guy

 

Is Peter Attracted to Red Flags & Emotional Turmoil? [3:30]

 In episode five, it’s almost as if Peter is asking the girls to tell their victim story and then rewarding them for the drama. Is he more broken than viewers want to believe? Is he attracted to women he feels he needs to save? 

 

Marni points out that women should have this mindset… even if the guy you are dating is super cute you still don't know anything about him. Stay curious and think about what qualifying questions you have for him. Don't make up a story for him.

The Den’s frontrunner and rose recipient, Kelley, may be asking herself if Pilot Pete is good enough for her. She verbalized that she doesn't think Peter has the same level of emotional maturity as she does. Does she want to end up with someone who wallows in drama? 

 Chris says Peter is eroding the trust of the ladies by making out with them during every opportunity. Kelley is the first woman to inspire Peter to be a man. She didn't nag him, she just laid it out. 

 

The Fine Line Between Healthy Vulnerability and the Over-emotional Victim [17:44]

During the show, Kelsey cries all the time. She doesn’t hold back and won’t apologize for it. She believes she is displaying a healthy vulnerability. But, maybe it’s a defense mechanism brought about by Adderall, and wine? She says she feels powerless seeing Pete making out with the other women and her feelings for him are strong. 

 

Chris finds it repulsive. Marni asks, “How do you express vulnerability without being gross and emotionally vomiting your unresolved issues?” 

 

There are ways to say what you feel instead of crying. In order to be attractive to the high-quality guy, you should be able to manage your feelings in a healthy way. 

Emotional intelligence is:

  1. Being able to name your feelings
  2. Articulating your feelings clearly
  3. Managing your feelings

 

When and How to Express Your Feelings for a Guy [30:49]

 At the rose giving ceremony, Peter says that he feels his wife is in the room. If the ladies feel strongly for him, how should they respond? Kelsey says she loves Peter after only a few dates, should she have waited?

 

Chris says if you sit back and watch a guy’s actions you will know when it is safe to say ‘I love you’. Don’t say it out of your own neediness. And, even if there is no ‘exact’ right time it is definitely not after a bottle of wine and a make-out session. A guy’s words and actions will let you know when the time is right.

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Feb 7, 2020

Are you creating unnecessary emotional pain for yourself when dating? Do you make up reasons for why he didn’t call back when the answer is simple? Author, Motivational Speaker, and CEO of the highly acclaimed Ford Institute, Kelley Kosow joins Marni to discuss her work with the shadow process and her new book, The Integrity Advantage: Step Into Your Truth, Love Your Life, and Step Into Your Magnificence.  

 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

 

  • Working the shadow process.
  • Removing shame from your life.
  • How to let go of the ego and open yourself up to the universe.
  • Loving all of yourself.
  • How to not take things personally.

 

Living the Life You Want [1:30]

Kelley shares the story of meeting Debbie Ford of the Ford Institute. It came at a time when she was unsure about staying in her marriage. She attended the Ford Institute’s course on the shadow process 7 times in a row. In fact, her book, The Integrity Advantage begins on the day of her wedding. She knew she didn't love her future husband the way she should have. Getting married was just on her checklist of life goals. 15-years and three children later she realized she couldn't do it anymore. 

 

Kelly felt like she was on an endless chase her entire life about “the 5 things that would make her perfect''. She could feel the shadow process working when she realized it wasn’t about trying to fix herself. It was about loving all of herself. So she put herself on a self-love diet.

 

She says the ego is limited and the universe has plans for us that are so much greater than anyone we could think for ourselves. We just need to get out of our thoughts. 

 

Become the person you want to be. Treat yourself as well as you treat other people. 



Stepping Out of Shame and Into Vulnerability [9:37]

Shadow work is about putting the light of awareness on that which is in the dark. The shadow is all the traits we disown. Many of us disown our light. We disown the fact that we are fabulous and magnificent. Kelley’s definition of integrity is owning all of who you are and living in alignment with your deepest truths and grandest desires. 

 

A lot of our shame is developed when we are under the age of 10. We create a persona who attempts to portray a person who is not in alignment with who we really are. And, that is who we show to the world. Doing that creates a lifelong fear of someone finding out that our persona is not who we are. It’s the shame that creates the shadow.

 

The outer world is a reflection of our inner world. If we only own 20% of who we really are. We are only going to attract 20% of what we really want. 

 

Kelley believes that our past makes us human. It doesn't make us good or bad. It makes us human. Life is too fleeting and time is too precious to beat around the bush. Live the life you want now. Be in integrity with your true nature. 

How to Date with Integrity [19:38]

Often, we get triggered if a person we are dating doesn't want to see us again because we take it personally. The story we tell ourselves is that we are not good enough. Kelley says “the simple truth is that you went out on a date and the person didn't want to see you again. It's not personal.” When you separate the facts from the story you make up in your mind about why you are not good enough or why you are doomed you realize the person simply isn’t the right one for you. 

 

Use a recent date as an experiment: What did you make it mean about you that he didn't call you back?

 

Everyone who comes into our lives is there to show us a part of ourselves that needs healing. They are part of the puzzle pieces back to our state of wholeness. People don’t come into our lives to mess things up or make us eat a gallon of ice cream, they come in to rip the bandaid off of a wound that still needs to be healed. 

 

But, why do we make up stories? Why are we resistant to our truths? Kelley says that many people feel more comfortable as a victim. They are afraid because they are just about to face something that causes them pain. They don't want to look inward to change the outcome. 

 

When dating, most women will try and find something wrong with their date. They are thinking about what the grand outcome will be instead of considering the next step. The answer to the question ‘how can I be engaged in the process but not be attached to the outcome?’ is to take everything one step at a time. 



Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

 The Integrity Advantage: Step Into Your Truth, Love Your Life, and Claim Your Magnificence

 

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