In preparation for the Ignite Your Life Conference, Marni welcomes President and CEO of iPEC Coaching, Luke Iorio, back into the Den. Luke shares the a-ha moments that changed his life and shifted his mindset, how we can get out of our head to tap into greater consciousness and align with our inner knowing, and why this is the best time to invest in ourselves.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Luke went on an inward journey about why he was out of alignment with who he truly was. It made him who it was today. As a child, his father was a devout studier of personal development. Luke had access to books about finding out who he was.
“I spent a lot of time trying to manipulate and control my relationships in an effort to keep myself safe.”
Luke says if you resonate with living a flat experience and you want to get in touch with your aliveness, your spark then you need to wake up, express, and get in alignment with your inner knowing.
When you start to look at yourself objectively and you will get in touch with your intuition and know when you are caught up in your old story or the drama of situations.
There is power in shifting how you look at life.
It can be tough to start a relationship with someone else. New feelings, thoughts, and emotions come to the forefront of your mind. If you find yourself ruminating on the possible reasons he didn’t call, or what a guy meant by what he said, you may be too narrowly focused. Be aware that those triggers are messages from your unconscious that can help you better understand yourself. It's your past programming. Luke says the more you recognize the roots of your thought process you can decide what version of yourself you want to show to other people.
Give yourself the opportunity to get out of your head and be more natural and genuine.
After this inner work, regardless of the situation you find yourself in you will know you are making decisions that resonate with who you really are. The more self-aware you are, you have more peace and you stay centered and grounded.
The Time is Right, Now [32:11]
During these uncertain times, people are reassessing their values and pinpointing what is important to them. Many are wondering why they didn’t enrich their lives more often and what they can do to make significant changes. Marni asks Luke why right now is a good time to invest in the future and attend the Ignite Your Life Conference.
Luke says now is an important time to be devoted to personal development and to turn down influences that distract us or don't benefit us. A person’s development journey should start from within the flow of their usual lives. This way we build stronger roots and start making decisions from a place of inner knowing.
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To celebrate Ignite Your Life (IYL) month, Marni welcomes former IYL attendee and Dating With Dignity client, Marie into the Den. Marie shares why this experience was significant for her, why women should prioritize this aspect of their lives, and how her dating life changed after attending the event.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marie was floored when her eldest niece got engaged. She had been excelling in all other parts of her life except dating. It was the kick she needed to make her take action. She says she happened upon one of Marni’s early videos and it eventually changed her life.
At first, she didn’t want to be one of the women who needed to attend the Ignite Your Life event. She felt like a loser in love. Yet, when she arrived she noticed everyone there looked like her, a sharp, successful, and single woman.
The community I met at Ignite Your Life made me realize I was not an outcast and I was not alone.
Marie experienced an awakening during the 3-day investment that was well worth the time. The lessons were efficient and effective. From the style consultant, she realized she had been hiding her feminine side under her business casual clothes. From the belief exercise, she learned what long-held beliefs were holding her back.
She realized, in dating, it is not about whether men liked her. It was a monumental shift when it registered that dating was to find out if I liked them.
You deserve to be happy.
A Powerful Journey [23:50]
Marie continues to learn that the only way to deepen her connections is for her to be vulnerable. She still reminds herself to ask for what she needs without worrying about a guy’s reaction. She used to categorize it as needy, now she knows it is just information. Needy used to be labeled as bad but really it is just being human.
Asking for what you need from your heart space is like a roadmap for your partner.
Marie says she met some lifelong friends at the Ignite Your Life event and it was worth the time and monetary investment.
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Marni welcomes Master Breakthrough Coach, Sherrie Toews back into the Den to talk about how to stop letting life's circumstances keep you from your destiny. The dynamic duo discusses the negative limiting beliefs that lead us to feel unworthy, strategies for overcoming childhood wounding, and the skills and tools available to ignite your life.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Automatic negative limiting beliefs keep us from being fully self-actualized. These limiting beliefs are, in essence, the false acceptance of certain truths or FACTs. They feel real to us because on some level, over time we have made these beliefs our truths.
Sherri asks us ‘what if they aren’t true? What if they are stories we are making up about who we are?’.
To shift our mindsets we have to implement the information our brains take in. This is the implementation phase. We need visceral and somatic reinforcers. But, Sherri says this is where people get tripped up. They fear the unknown and they fear asking for help. So little by little limiting beliefs regain their hold over us.
The little ‘whos’ are the younger parts of us that suffered wounds in childhood. If we were overwhelmed psychologically when we were young, we turned inward and decided there was something wrong with us or that we were not good enough. We make adult decisions based on childhood wounds. It’s the little 'whos' who trip up our progress when we are trying to shift our lives.
Our little ‘whos’ don't like uncertainty and in dating, nothing is guaranteed.
To take control of your life you have to learn to live courageously and release your fears. Because there is something beyond the fear which stretches our capacity to implement and grow.
Many women share a common fear of not being worthy or of being too much.
Simple steps to ignite your life
Ignite Your Life Now! [27:23]
Marni and the Dating with Dignity team are ready, willing, and able to ignite your life, now.
Get the skills and tools you need to create a robust fire in your heart:
Make the choice to stop letting life's circumstances stop you from being fully actualized.
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Marni welcomes an experienced therapist and gender equality victim’s rights advocate Kelley Anne Bonner into the Den to talk about how burnout affects your body, dating, and work. Kelley is an expert in burnout and created Burn Bright, a company dedicated to helping creative, big-hearted ‘helping’ professionals battle burnout. She helps the people who take care of the world to take care of themselves.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Kelley hit bottom when she was in her 20s and working in the largest maximum-security prison in New York state. She kept smiling for the people she served but would find in herself figuratively in a puddle on the floor, drained of her joy. She quit her job before she had another lined up.
Kelley says many people have burnout but don’t even realize they have it.
Burnout is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion. The person experiencing burnout has no joy and feels hopeless.
The cost of frantically running around is that you lose yourself and once you’ve lost yourself it’s a countdown to imploding.
When you are in burnout your body and your nervous system are in dysregulation. Mindfulness and meditation can help. The first step to move passed burnout is to regulate your nervous system. The second step is to shift your mindset. Get your body in a relaxed state so your body can receive information.
When your mindset is tapped into your authentic self, you are going to automatically get all the things in life that you want.
Are you pushing yourself to be engaging with toxic people or people who don't match the criteria you want? When people get burnout in dating they are not being true to themselves. There is a difference in discernment and being picky.
Kelley encourages us to be clear about what we want, in dating and date people who are authentic. Because when we date a guy a second time who wasn't a good fit on the first date it can cause burnout. The joy/authenticity piece is missing.
When you are true to yourself joy naturally comes from it. The minute you stray away from authenticity you are heading toward burnout.
How-to Stave Off Burnout While Dating [26:16]
There is nothing beneficial about beating yourself up, especially when a date or series of dates doesn’t work out. It causes you to stay paralyzed at best or go backward. Have compassion for yourself because of course, you want to give someone a second chance, of course, you want to find love, you are a big-hearted person.
Tips for eliminating dating burnout:
We are all good people just trying to figure it all out.
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Marni welcomes longtime listener Anita into the Den to talk about how to update her online profile to get more high-quality dates. Anita has been single for 5-and-a-half years and is positive she is ready to meet her soul mate. Yet, Marni intuits a block that could be keeping her from attracting the right type of guy.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Anita has been studying love, dating, and relationships for over 4-years. She is excited and ready to find her soulmate then get engaged. She believes she can manifest the right man for her, but she fears being ghosted again.
She tells Marni that over a year ago, she was going out on 2-3 dates a week. But, she has a history of being ghosted by men she met online and agreed to meet in person. She is looking to Marni for guidance on how to finally find her quality guy.
Marni dissects Anita’s current online dating profile that a previous dating coach helped her to write. Marni points out that while it has a decent structure it may make men wonder if they are good enough. If they question themselves they may not reach out. The profile is more of a push-away, not a draw-me-in type of profile.
Always choose quality over quantity when it comes to dating.
Anita says she wants her profile to reflect that she is looking for someone who has integrity and follows through. Marni reminds her that her profile has to reflect her values and her brand. The message she sends needs to be solid.
Positivity Doesn’t Trump Feelings [26:56]
Anita seems to cover up her disappointment with positivity instead of feeling her feelings. She wants to focus on the good. Marni recognizes a nugget of emotional unavailability.
Anita needs to acknowledge her disappointment, fear, and frustration. She shares a story from her past where she felt abandoned by a family member. It created an emotional suit of armor and explains why she is stuck right now.
Anita’s homework is:
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Episode #25 with Mike Goldstein — Find a Boyfriend in Less Than 7 Dates
Episode #53 — How to Do an Overhaul of Your Online Dating Profile
Marni welcomes Lisa Erickson into the Den to talk about chakras, our body’s energy centers, and how our energetic body relates to our emotional, mental, and physical body. Lisa is an Energy Worker who specializes in women’s energetics and sexual trauma healing. She is the author of Chakra Empowerment for Women and she helps women balance and maximize their energy during key parts of their lives.
Key takeaways from this episode:
We all have an energy body. If you have ever felt ‘bad vibes’ or heebie-jeebies from someone, you are intuitively using your energy body. There are ways to shift our mental and emotional states including the vibrations we send out to the world. Shifting our energy can shift who we attract into our lives and how we feel.
There are healing modalities that are connected to the energetic body that are related to energy medicine traditions all around the world. Reiki and acupuncture, for example, are becoming widely adopted. Humans have an energy anatomy that can be mapped. Our chakras are energy centers that relate to different physical body parts and to unique emotions and psychological states.
We intuitively feel the chakras but don't always know it. When you are broken hearted it is in the heart chakra.
Marni asks Lisa about the 10% energy leakage many women experience. Lisa says we have different levels of our psyche and each level has a certain vibration. If we have unresolved feelings of anxiety or unworthiness, desperation, or people-pleasing, that will come through in our presentation to others. People will feel it the way we can feel the vibes of others.
Lisa says men tend to be anchored in the root chakra. This energy center is linked to the physical body. If men have baggage, they have a tendency to become emotionally rigid and unempathetic. In its best expression, the root chakra is grounded, stable, and protective. Men, in general, need to work on fluidity and empathy.
Women, however, are anchored in their second chakra which is fluid and linked to water and emotions. Women are also more empathic. We have a tendency to adopt other people’s emotions as our own without realizing it. On the energetic level, it means women need to work on boundaries and grounding.
The second chakra is also related to a woman’s reproductive cycle. Peri-Menopause is considered a spiritual transit in cultures that deal with energy consciously. Women receive bursts of energy to deal with things from our past at a time when our intuitive gifts are flowering. Boundaries become more important. It's time to push away other people’s energy in favor of your own.
In holistic medicine, the mind and body are not separate. Your energy body is the glue that holds them together.
How to Work With Energy [21:31]
Each of the chakras has different colors and visuals related to them. Lisa says we can work with energy centers through memories or affirmations. Try to simply state what you want to feel and focus on the related chakra and the part of the body.
If you are going to start dating and it feels uncomfortable for you to get into your feminine or to be sensual. Or, you have a hard time flirting or you don't feel safe being sexual. Shift your energy in your second chakra.
It's about connecting to your feminine energy in a positive way. In dating, visualize an avatar and focus on which chakras you want to bring forth. Visualize yourself putting your energetic parts into the foreground.
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Marni welcomes Lori Dennis into the Den to talk about finding balance in four quadrants of your life. Lori runs a top LA interior design firm, and she is an HGTV celebrity. Lori decided to write Quadrant Life: Balancing Relationships, Finances, Wellness, and Your Spiritual Life as a result of the constant questions others asked her about how she always seemed to have it all. She is a TED speaker and has been featured in the Wall Street Journal and on Bravo and Oxygen.
Key takeaways from this episode:
One of the biggest misconceptions/excuses women believe is that they can't have it all. Lori says this is ridiculous. Women can have it all. They only need to get everything into balance. She says happiness comes when you wake up every single day and no matter what happens you know you can handle it.
But, if happiness is a choice, why do many of us try to make things more challenging? Lori recommends asking yourself what happiness looks like for you. It's all about your perceptions and your experiences. Being happy is one of the best decisions you can make for yourself.
Find balance in these four quadrants:
Once you stop being afraid, you have the ability to clean up your messes.
To attain proper balance in the four quadrants, Lori says, it's like cleaning your house. Her personal approach is to attack the thing that is scary or hard first. Once she accomplishes what she believes to be the hardest thing it gives her confidence to tackle the less stressful items in her life.
Marni shares an example of how she took a deep dive to uplevel her spiritual practice and it up-leveled everything else in her life.
Lori says, focusing in one area is a good approach because if you just change one thing that isn't working for you it will change every other part of your life. Small positive changes automatically affect every other quadrant.
Tips for Up-leveling each Quadrant:
Changing Your Environment [31:45]
Instead of wishing you had different things in life, it is up to you to make your life exactly the way that you want it. You can have it all. Having freedom in your environment will affect you in a good way. Remove excess material stuff you don’t need and be thoughtful about your environment.
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Quadrant Life: Balancing Relationships, Finances, Wellness, and Your Spiritual Life by Lori Dennis
Marni welcomes Ryan Haddon into the Den to discuss the role your subconscious plays in dating. Ryan is a certified Life Coach and Spiritual Mentor, a licensed Hypnotherapist, a certified Meditation Teacher, and a public speaker who facilitates retreats and promotes work-life balance. She is here to share her expertise and life-changing approach to spiritual mentoring during the major transition we are all experiencing.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The subconscious mind runs 95% of your life. It stores every memory, every emotion, and the imagination in your brain. Its primary function is to keep us comfortable but it also houses phobias and fears. Unfortunately, we become slaves to it. It should be the opposite. It should be there to serve us.
When it hijacks our conscious mind it is counterproductive. We habitually tend to keep doing the same things over and over. While it is trying to protect us from past experiences and future mistakes, it stays stuck in familiar patterns that in the past brought us comfort.
The best time to transform your subconscious thoughts is while falling asleep and waking up.
Ryan says if you want to break a cycle and get yourself out of a funk, try to pinpoint your feelings and reframe your story. Move into acceptance. If you find yourself at the end of a bad date have a go-to positive phrase or affirmation, such as "My guy is finding his way to me". It will help you shift.
Feelings are not facts. If you find yourself in a moment when you are feeling hopeless or in a funk, it's about being mindful of the present moment. Learn self-hypnosis techniques. Take a meditative walk in nature. Anything to get yourself into emotionally safe territory.
Life consistently challenges us. Cultivate and curate stillness so you are prepared for the next round.
Anxiety is Creeping In What Do I Do? [23:46]
What can you do to heal past issues that may still be held in your subconscious? Ryan recommends self-care practices such as a bath or a massage. She says you can also soothe yourself by giving yourself a hug or tapping. Say "I've got you. I'm not going to abandon you." while you rock back and forth to clear negative energy that may be stuck in the body.
Other physical movements that will soothe a habitual pattern forged by the subconscious are 3 deep abdomen breaths with your feet flat on the floor, writing something down on paper to release it from your body. As soon as you notice a pattern, leverage a new dynamic, and keep trying until you find what is best for you.
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Marni reached out to her Facebook group to find someone who is actively dating online but not getting the desired results. Monica responded. She is on two different dating apps but receives very few responses. Those who do respond end up ghosting her. Marni provides her with quick fixes and tips on how to increase the amount of dates she gets and elevate the quality of her dating experiences.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Monica is a successful film-industry professional who is winding down her career. She is having difficulty finding love again after her divorce. She did have one 8-month relationship since then, but it ended in heartbreak. She says she just wants to go on a damn date. Like many successful women, Monica has done the personal development work and is serious about finding a partner to share life with.
Monica spends 20-30 minutes every morning checking her dating apps and responding to messages. She has telephone conversations but hasn't had a first date in 6 months. On top of that, she only went out on 4 dates in 2019. She says she gets ghosted a lot.
Marni dissects Monica’s current online dating profile pointing out tips for improvement in the first paragraph. She points out that Monica is a little too much in her masculine and if she was interviewing for a job all of her points are valid, BUT she is not looking for a job she is looking for a relationship.
Reread your online dating profile. What would a strong, high-quality guy think about it?
Quick Fixes for Your Dating Profile:
How Monica Can Move Forward [6:22]
Marni offers different ways to pull more information out of the men who send messages and ask for dates. Her advice is for Monica to be vulnerable and to “show him the yolk”.
Monica’s Biggest Takeaways from the coaching:
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Marni welcomes author and dating after divorce expert Holly Martyn into the Den to discuss her dating manual and memoir, Would It Kill You to Put on Some Lipstick?. Her book was inspired by an advice column by Joan Rivers and tells the story of Holly’s poignant journey of finding a high-quality guy in 100 or fewer dates. It's a manual on how to navigate love, life, and happiness in midlife.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Joan Rivers started the conversation in an advice column. She told a single mother to put on some damn lipstick and get out there and date. Holly wondered if finding a high-quality guy really was a numbers game and decided to try it out for herself and journal her journey. She was in her 40s, had been in two long term relationships and it wasn't working.
She didn't want her daughter to grow up knowing her mother stayed in a bad relationship. Holy says demonstrating to our children about what works and what doesn't when finding love is a teachable moment. It’s ok for our children to know that we are human beings and we are still learning.
3 Ways to Get a Date:
All three options worked for Holly. She met men and women. One woman set her up on a blind date with a guy she dated for two years.
Whatever it is we prioritize in our lives we can make it happen. including our social lives.
You just have to keep going on dates. It's like looking for a job. The dating process is a great way to know about men. Use the time to notice possible red flags.
The adage is true ‘If we don’t change, nothing changes’. Holly had to examine relationships from her childhood and her previous marriages to see why those relationships broke down. Eventually, she became stronger and more confident in what she was looking for and how she wanted to be treated and she became more efficient in weeding out the wrong people upfront.
Women, especially women in their 40s and 50s need to ask a man what he is looking for within the first three dates. Figuring out if a guy is looking for the same thing as you is nothing to be ashamed of. Your time is important don’t waste it on a guy who doesn’t want a relationship if that is what you want.
Men will show you who they are very quickly.
One of the wonderful things about dating in your 40s, 50s, and beyond is something is freeing about not having the pressure of looking for a provider, a father, or someone our parents will approve of. Look for character more than characteristics.
Holly reaches out to all the women who stay in relationships or marriages but have doubts about it, she says it’s more important to be a model for your children about the beauty of contentment and satisfaction.
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Marni welcomes the formidable Elle Russ into the Den to talk about how women, especially Alpha females, can be Confident As F*ck while embracing their vulnerability to attract connection and intimacy. As a coach and author, Elle helps people reclaim their health. She is a TV and film writer and host of the Primal Blueprint podcast. During this conversation, she shares the inspiration for writing her book, Confident As Fu*k: How to Ditch Bad Vibes, Clean Up Your Past, and Cultivate Confidence in Order to Make Your Dreams a Reality and key concepts to help women be confident in all areas of their life including dating!
Key takeaways from this episode:
Elle says that there is a theme to the type of people you attract into your life. Clients would come to her for help building their confidence. These were people who could speak to a room of 200+ people but couldn’t be vulnerable in an intimate or private environment. Marni adds that women won't admit to having a confidence issue but when it comes to relationships they have self-doubt or they need validation.
Alpha females have pitfalls and one of those is being vulnerable. We don't, on a primal level, want to appear weak. But, in dating it makes us inaccessible. People crave our external confidence but they never see our human side. When you are not vulnerable and open you can not have emotional intimacy with someone. How can someone love you if they don't see you.
Elle carried shame because her hands became permanently disabled in her 20's. She thought 'who would want her with the disability?' She didn't tell the guys she dated. She wanted to wait until they said I love you. She was held back. She knew she had to get over the shame of her disability. Shame can be more disabling than a disability. Shame disables confidence.
You always stay on the fringe of social connections when you are afraid to be vulnerable.
Elle considers people who project a lack of confidence ‘Downers’. When people have bad vibes toward you you feel it. Stay away from these people, she advises. You can share your experiences with some people over and over and they will consistently reply with negativity.
While Elle gets inspired by negative naysayers it can feel like a hit to your confidence. She recommends choosing your battles wisely. At some time in our lives, we have all been a downer and have had negative thoughts. Self-examination can help negative thoughts go away quickly and help us not to simmer in them.
Indicators that you may be the ‘Downer’:
Marni recommends every woman look at the five people they talk to and share with to consider if they are being encouraging or negative. If they are being negative, change your five people.
Why do women worry about what someone else might think of them and allow it to change their attitude? All that matters is how you think of you.
When you walk into a date wonder if that person is worth your time. It’s empowering.
Elle coined the term nonversation for conversations that are a waste of time and they go nowhere. We have to stop having them! Fishing for a compliment or giving voice to our ego isn’t necessary.
Women have to start encouraging other women. - envy and jealousy is rooted in self-loathing and low self-esteem. It’s important to limit your time with jealous people. Jealousy is hoping the person you are jealous of fails.
Wishing failure on someone else will always come back to haunt you.
Stop sharing stuff with negative people. You will never win. People should be worth your time or you shouldn’t hang with them.
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Marni welcomes Susan into the Dating Den. Susan is a client who was new to dating after the loss of her husband. She knew she wanted a relationship but found herself attracting guys who only threw her breadcrumbs. During this conversation, she shares her transformation, insights about what was missing in her previous approach to dating, and how the process has changed all parts of her life.
With Susan: How to Break the Pattern of Attracting Guys That Breadcrumb You
Key takeaways from this episode:
Susan had lost her husband to cancer about a year before she started dating again. She realized she was attracting 'crumbs' guys and she wanted to attract men that were more her caliber. She was choosing the wrong guys who were caught up inside themselves and still dealing with their emotional baggage.
She felt confused and the pattern was chipping away at her self-worth and her self-esteem. Maybe, she wasn't the catch she thought she was? But, she knew she wanted to be in a relationship.
The ‘crumbs’ guy was seeing someone else at the time. She felt like the other woman or his second choice. He did however help Susan to recognize a pattern she had before she met her husband.
The problem was she was trying to think her way out of the situation. She did online research and read books but nothing was shifting.
Susan knew that she wouldn’t break free of her pattern on her own. She was ruling guys out before she would rule them in. She realized she was ruling guys out because it gave her a sense of control and protected her from getting hurt. She was also unclear about what she really wanted.
She says that working with Marni’s team helped because they provided her with a process. She wrote down her non-negotiables and got clear about what she was looking for. It was time for her to have a mature adult relationship.
It's scary to be rejected by a guy who you perceive to be a catch opposed to a guy you don't think is a catch.
Susan started dating a friend of a friend who she was ready to write off early on. One of her non-negotiations is communications and he doesn't communicate as frequently as she does but she admits to not being clear about her values around communication. Working with the Dating with Dignity team helped her to redefine what she needs versus what she wants.
Marni says many men are trainable when it comes to communication. They want to make us happy and will adapt because they are committed to the relationship.
For a lot of men communicating is challenging. They have been hurt and pasts’ to reconcile.
Susan says she would never have chosen her current boyfriend prior to taking Marni's course. She recommends being open to the process and allowing it to unfold organically. The process helped her investigate her wounds and what triggered her. She now uses the processes in all areas of her life and everything is coming together for her.
You can have anything you want as long as you are mentally aligned and committed.
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Marni welcomes Kiné Corder back into the Den to talk about navigating your way through an existential midlife crisis. Kiné is a bestselling author, international keynote speaker, national certified counselor, and a clinical hypnotherapist specializing in financial therapy and stress management. As the CEO of Presidential Lifestyle Inc., a wellness company focused on wealth in all of its forms, Kiné helps high achievers navigate through the existential midlife crisis. During this conversation she shares a step-by-step process to living your prosperity.
Key takeaways from this episode:
With the advent of transitioning roles for women from home to the workplace, we are starting to experience a midlife crisis just as men always have. Women sacrifice some things we want for ourselves in our early career and sometime during our midlife the dreams we may have put on the backburner ask to be revisited.
Once we become aware that we may have lost some freedoms in lieu of responsibility it is time to take the steps to get to where we want to be and to find harmony.
This is the formula for navigating your way through midlife with purpose.
Trial and error your way to purpose. We need to figure out what we want or don’t want by testing the waters.
To find personal harmony you can read books, or delve into all the free information available online but if you really want to be prosperous in an efficient and quality way you have to hire a guide. Someone who knows the ropes and has gained experience from all the people she has helped to attain harmony.
Ladies, there is nothing wrong about taking the long way through this process. A guide simply helps you make the most of the time you have available.
Finding common ground with someone whose idea of prosperity slightly overlaps with yours is important. Or, if there is no common ground both partners should consent to compromise and blending their two ideas of prosperity.
If the similarities are hidden at first, Kiné says partners should talk through it without making anyone wrong. There is no right or wrong when it comes to visions of prosperity. Follow the process of one partner talking about their ideas all the way through without interruption from the listener. Then, in a day or a week, the other person discusses their ideas about prosperity. Both partners should be curious, open, and optimistic.
Kiné recommends asking yourself how you want to show up in the world. If you get clear about this every footstep with this in mind is a step forward.
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Marni welcomes Master Coach for the Hoffman Institute and Licenced Marriage and Family Counselor, Ed McClune into the Den. Ed is also the relationship therapist for Dating with Dignity’s one-year program. During this episode, he shares information about the physical effects of grief and how to keep a relationship healthy.
Key takeaways from this episode:
When something we invest our heart in doesn't work out it hurts us emotionally and physiologically. For many of us, we marinate in pain for a long time. When we become impatient with the grieving process and don’t give ourselves the time we need to heal we add to the hurt. We spend a lot of time in the 'no one will ever love me again' story.
Ed says that it is easy and natural to make up a narrative about sadness. We create a ‘woe is me’ story, or we believe something is wrong with us. We wastefully spend a lot of time in the 'no one will ever love me again' story.
But, when we change our internal narrative we can move through the pain and gain a healthy lesson from past relationships. It’s a good idea to give grief time even schedule it. Why allow pain to bleed into your entire day? It’s healthy to allow sadness to flow through you but at a scheduled time so the body can heal itself.
Learning from our mistakes is what helps us to become a better offer to the next potential lover.
Ed uses the analogy of the Good Queen to describe what doesn’t work in relationships. To be a good partner, we can’t just sit back in our thrones and let things come to us. We need to play an active role and train a man to be what we need him to be. He says that women often think that if a man loves them he will do ‘X’ but the guy probably needs to be trained to do it first. In general, a man just doesn't know.
We come into relationships with different needs and skill levels. None of us are wrong or defective. There is so much pressure on a man to know what to do and how to take care of his partner. Men don't have any relationship education and there is no formula
How responsible are women to train their guy?
Marni asks Ed how a woman can take a leadership role without being masculine, bossy, or over-functioning.
Ed says women should own their dignity, beauty, and soulfulness and help their partners love them. Maturity in a relationship is key.
The right guy, the quality guy wants to know how to make you happy, not just in the bedroom but in the relationship.
For the sake of maintaining your own dignity, if there is chemistry in a relationship but a guy is unwilling to step up and take responsibility for how a relationship is evolving women need to pull their hand away from the cookie jar and say chemistry is not enough. When you tire of surrendering your dignity to a recurring breakdown you have to say enough is enough.
Both people go in blind when starting to date. Trust and commitment must be built as we incrementally let the other person in. Partners have different talents and different skill levels. We date people to bring more into our lives. Every time we fall in love it happens with a ton of variables and as learners, we are going to get some things wrong.
A healthy relationship is one in which each partner is committed to their individual growth and the growth of the relationship.
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Marni welcomes a fellow Podcast Host and Man Panelist, Michael O’Neal into the Dating Den. Mike is a single man who in addition to his entrepreneur podcast also hosts his YouTube channel, Rennch where he shares tips for restoring vintage Porsches. During this episode, he shares some Q&A from the most recent Man Panel discussion, a real-life example of when a woman ghosted him, and how some men just want a pizza girlfriend.
Key takeaways from this episode:
For a woman who makes critical decisions all day at work turning down her masculine energy can be trying especially when dating. Mike observes that it must be hard for women to switch between the two energies. “When you become a successful, badass woman you get in your masculine and it's hard to get back into the feminine. If you are in 65% masculine energy then a guy can only be in 35% of his masculine. You may end up with a guy you are not attracted to.” Mike says.
The masculine energy can also bleed into a woman’s online dating profile. Mike says that when a woman’s profile starts with the woman saying ‘just swipe past me if you ____ ‘ turns him off. He says it’s proof that the woman is somehow damaged. He automatically swipes to the next person.
When it comes to sex, Mike says that women should not feel weird about giving a man directions. If something is working or not working that is something men want to know. Men are normally more than willing to do whatever it takes, even if it hurts, to make sure a woman is satisfied.
But, it is hard to teach passion and sensuality. Kissing is the hardest physical, sexual act to address with someone else. If a guy is a bad kisser and there is nothing else that really hooks you then say goodbye. But, if you think there might be a deeper connection, try giving him a helpful hint or try moving your head into a different position.
We, men, are like your favorite labrador retriever. We’ll do whatever you tell us to.
Times have changed, Mike says men are looking for someone to show if they are interested. After the first date, if a guy is into you he will be sending you a message. And, if he asks you for a second date he has probably already considered if you could be his forever girl.
Mike shares a story of how he pursued a girl he met. He liked the girl but she kept putting him off. She responded to him several times but always with confusing messages. Then she just ghosted him.
Marni believes that if you are getting ghosted you should consider it a blessing because now you know what type of person you would have been dating. You are more than likely dating the wrong type of people.
If you are not interested in a person don’t ghost them. Just tell them. It doesn’t have to be awkward.
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Marni welcomes speaker, author, self-described change junkie, Monica Berg into the Dating Den. Monica is the Chief Communications Officer of the Kabbalah Center. Her books, Fear is Not an Option and Rethink Love are guidebooks for those who desire transformation in their relationships and life. During this episode, she shares how knowing what we want for ourselves can help us to have better relationships and to make deeper connections with those we love.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Relationships are meant to grow and get better every year and it's all about perspective, says Monica. Even during quarantine, when we may be with our partners for 24-hours a day, she believes this is a great opportunity for us to look at the state of our lives and how we are living. Before the pandemic we all had the luxury of escape by going shopping or out for drinks with a friend. Now, we should take stock of the things we love about our lives.
In her book, Rethink Love, Monica notes that relationships are not stable. There are supposed to be ups and downs, she says. Fighting is important in a relationship because it shows that you care and are passionate about it.
Where people get stuck is that they have different fighting styles. If they are different they need to find one that works for both of them.
We need to have a healthy respect for change because change is the only constant. In relationships there are two distinct personalities involved. This can add fun, opportunities, and excitement. But this also means there are a lot of differences. Take fighting styles for example. What kind of fighting style was each person exposed to when they were a child? How has that influenced their fighting style?
Each person should look at what they want in their life. What is currently working and what is not? Monica recommends getting clear about what it is that you really want for yourself. Then create a To-Be list and a To-Do list.
When fighting goes wrong you add a lot of hurt into a relationship.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your emotions and those of the people around you. Many of us don’t realize how our emotions affect other people. But, when you value someone and love them at their core you will find ways to have compassion and be generous.
If you are stuck in a relationship, go back to friendship. Forget about it being romantic and what your traditional roles are. Think about how you treat a friend and are you treating your partner in the same manner.
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Beth is a divorced, single mother who almost moved her family and business because she was convinced she would never meet a high-quality man she could connect with in her community. She has listened to the Dating Den podcast for years and when Marni offered to rewire her brain she decided to invest in herself and signed up for the program. During this episode, she tells Marni about her limiting beliefs and how the team helped her to overcome them. She is now dating someone she really connects with.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Beth had been doing self-development work for some time but admits she was having difficulty changing her core thoughts and beliefs about what she deserved. She is a single mother who consistently took care of others before herself. She wanted to find a partner but didn’t think she would ever meet anyone she could connect with in her area.
She decided she needed outside help to rewire her brain and contacted the team at Dating with Dignity. Working with Marni and Sherrie made her feel heard and enabled her to identify her limiting beliefs and blocks. She committed to the 10-week program and gave it her all.
“I feel liberated because I now have the tools to calmly move through things that trigger me.”
Beth encountered her first opportunity to use her new relationship tools when a guy she met on a dating app removed a ‘tag’ of them together on Facebook. Beth admits that in the past she probably would have pulled away from the situation because she didn’t understand the move and didn’t want to appear needy. But since she was armed with healthy boundaries she approached the issue from a calm, vulnerable place.
“The program helped me realize that I am lovable and I am enough.”
Beth reveals that the program 100% worked for her. It will change your brain in a way that you will never go back to the way you used to operate. She says she learned that her wants and needs are valid. And, that she is now attracting the life she wants because she is being more of who she wants to be and she loves being liberated.
Even her friends have commented about the calm, peaceful place she is in now that she feels safe and doesn’t worry about being rejected.
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After a month of staying at home, singles may be getting anxious to get out there and date. And even though there is a light at the end of the tunnel, the best idea may be to use this time to build a deeper relationship with guys with potential. To discover how to navigate the unknown waters of dating in the time of quarantine, Marni welcomes Julie Krafchick and Yue Xu, hostesses of Dateable. A podcast Huffington Post reveals as one of 2020’s top ten podcasts about love and sex. Julie, Yue, and Marni take a deep dive into all the online dating and relationship issues you want to know about.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Based on a poll posted on the Dateable Facebook group Julie says that a majority of the women who answered would meet a guy they met online during quarantine depending on the situation. The second highest majority of women said they would definitely not meet a guy face to face until the quarantine is lifted. Why meet face-to-face when such good things are coming out of video dating?
Video dating allows us to put the physical on hold and go deep if we let it, says Julie. But the use is starting to fade in some groups because they don't know if they will ever get to meet the other person so it feels pointless to continue having virtual conversations. It’s important to remember that this is an opportunity to let something special build.
If you are thinking about meeting a guy face-to-face during quarantine, consider how many first dates are actually a success. Use this time to go deeper online first.
Marni recommends asking yourself ‘what’s the rush?’. What else are you doing? If you put your health at risk would you regret it more than just waiting to meet someone? If there is a connection now the connection will be there in a month.
Yae shares an example of how she customizes her dating experience on Zoom. She changes her virtual background to an exciting destination. She dresses like she is really visiting the exotic locale based on the weather forecast and asks her date to do the same. It’s a fun way to escape and charm your date.
Julie says she has reconnected with an old beau and has experimented with virtual sex which has been beneficial to the relationship. She says a lot of people are throwing virtual sex parties right now.
Video dating is a great way to have an adult conversation without fearing the sexual tension that goes along with physical closeness.
Toxic people can also come back into your life because people get lonely during quarantine. If an ex starts texting again ask yourself these questions:
Julie and Yae started a blind date experiment before quarantine. There is one guy and three women. The guy had to speak with all three women three nights in a row and Julie and Yae gave him some conversation prompts designed to initiate deeper conversations. There was no baseline information such as age, race, height, etc. They wanted to see what connections could be made without the physical aspect.
The guy had to pick one woman to meet in person and it wasn’t who the ladies of Dateable didn’t think it would be.
A lot of people make their decision about someone just after one date, but with this experiment, the participants knew they had a minimum of three dates so they invested more time in getting to know one another.
Julie's takeaway from the Love is Blind experiment is that there is something nice about just having audio, no visual because it causes you to deeply listen to the other person and to be present with them.
The problem with online dating though is that people think they have enough information to judge someone. Superficial presets on dating apps are all surface level. We don't know if the other person is funny, caring, honest, etc. It causes people to pay more attention to the physical but the Love is Blind experiment allows daters to get past all that.
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In our lifetime we have never before seen supermarket shelves empty. We may emotionally react to the perception of scarcity by hoarding food and binge eating. And, working from home so close to your refrigerator can be daunting. To discover how we can have a positive relationship with food during this pandemic Marni welcomes Registered Dietician/Nutritionist, Paige Smathers to the Den. Paige helps people heal their relationship with food and their body. She specializes in chronic dieting addiction recovery, eating disorders, and the family eating dynamic. Her approach to nutrition and health is grounded in mindfulness and is rooted in intuitive eating and health at every size. Paige is the owner of Positive Nutrition where she offers mentorship and coaching.
Key takeaways from this episode:
What a shock it is to our system when we go to a grocery store only to find the shelves empty. We are not accustomed to not having enough food. We respond to these things by hoarding or buying in bulk. It has triggered a fear of scarcity in our entire society.
And in our dieting culture, we make self-imposed cycles of trying to manipulate our bodies when it comes to food but during this pandemic, we are not in control of it.
Paige reminds us that nothing about what is going on right now is normal. So, how do we shift? If we can make our eating as normalized as possible it will give us the best chance at nourishing our bodies so we stay healthy and function properly. She recommends staying within a normal diet as much as possible.
There is some room for enjoying food and tasting new things. We don't have to be ashamed to get pleasure or joy from food.
It's time to stop that and accept that cooking can connect us to our culture and our families. We need that now more than ever.
And, one of the biggest mistakes we make is to believe that it is wrong to enjoy food. We should enjoy preparing it, light a candle, play some music. Make it an enjoyable experience.
There is a lot to Intuitive Eating. It can be tricky to understand what it means. especially if you come from a diet mindset. It is nuanced but it is about deciding how you want to feel and how you want to function.
Having a happy, healthy relationship with food is less about following rules; it's more about finding a way to approach food that works for you.
There is freedom in waking up to the fact that your body is wise. You will get the carbs your body needs. Your body will get it whether you give it to it in consistent, balanced meals or through bingeing at night. There is real wisdom in liberalizing your rules about food. We just need to tune in. Paige warns against micromanaging eating. It is the micromanaging that leads to bingeing, overeating, or dysfunction.
Tapping into your self-compassion is the key to intuitive eating. Ask yourself these questions to move forward with a peaceful relationship with your body and food:
Asking yourself these questions makes it easy to separate the manipulative way you may approach food and help to ground yourself into a reasonable. intuitive, kind, gentle, balanced approach. It can strip away that negative, punitive thought process we often have about feeding ourselves.
Many people are now working from home and they are not accustomed to having their food so close. A lot of women are concerned about their families, their work, and what will happen tomorrow so they find themselves emotionally eating.
Paige says not to worry emotional eating is a normal human thing. Food is inherently emotional. It does bring joy, connection, and goodness into our lives. The more we try to deprive ourselves of that the more disconnected we will be to the things that really matter.
She adds, “One big mistake people make is approaching emotional eating from a place of never doing it and if they do it they feel they must feel super guilty about it. All that ends up doing is perpetuating the cycle of 'I better get it all in because I will be better tomorrow. I will never do it again.’ That thinking is what pushes them toward bingeing every time.”
It sounds counter-intuitive but the paradox here is that the more you give yourself permission to enjoy the yumminess of life the more reasonable you can be around those foods.
Emotional eating can bring a moment of joy into your world so it's ok to sit down and have some of what you love.
Be gentle with yourself when you work from home. It's a different transition. Check-in with your self-compassion. Give yourself permission to have a bit of structure. Block off time in your day to eat meals. and eat satisfying, full, legitimate meals. Not just a quick handful of something.
Having a routine and structure around eating is important for you to function optimally especially during the pandemic.
Satisfaction and satiation are part of this philosophy. Paige recommends putting food on a plate and eating it. It works from a physiological and psychological perspective.
If you are sitting down to boring food that makes you want to barf it's not sustainable and you will pendulum swing into binging.
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What a crazy time to be dating! Unemployment is rising, the market is dropping, and the media is polarized. Despite all of this, now is the time to keep a clear head about your financial concerns and investments. To discuss strategies on how to reduce your fear and make decisions from a healthy, calm place Marni speaks with Bobby Mascia, the Founder, and CEO of Greenridge Wealth Planning, an Independent Financial Planning Firm that specializes in financial planning, investment management for businesses, and individuals throughout the US.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The Coronavirus has caused mass unemployment, closed businesses, and is causing anxiety as the worldwide health crisis continues to spread. Financial markets are reacting to the numbers but some people aren’t concerning themselves with the recession they are focusing on the good deals they can now invest in. Bobby says that times like these are why we devise a holistic plan and a financial strategy to make you whole from now through retirement.
Ask yourself:
Based on his sources, Bobby thinks it could be 6-weeks to 6-months before we see real progress on a vaccination. And, for the markets to start shifting. He recommends having 6-months of cash assets set aside for emergencies like the current pandemic.
Bobby says when looking for any advisor there are two important characteristics they should embody:
The right financial advisor is a fiduciary advisor. This means that the advisor must have your best interest in mind. A word of warning is that commission-based advisors may have a conflict of interest. Make sure your advisor is transparent about their processes.
Bobby, Greenridge Group uses a well-planned Life Map system to ensure clients get what they want from their financial future.
Consider what your resources are and what your advisor can do to help you attain your life goals.
Your Financial Advisor should lay out a life-long investment plan for you and always have your best interest in mind.
Money is one of the largest causes of arguments in relationships. If a relationship is not financially secure the stress will be felt in other areas of your life. Bobby says it is important to discuss how money was handled in your partner’s childhood home. Marni says it is important to understand your partner’s financial philosophy by the third or fourth date.
You have to decide if money is a determining factor in whether or not you can be happy with the other person? There are things you can put in place to mitigate problems but it comes down to how much the person with the debt or bad spending habits is willing to change.
Shared accounts can cause issues. Each person should have their own bank account.
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The concept of social distancing doesn’t seem to bode well for creating romance and connection. But, during this time we have a unique opportunity to enrich our lives and the lives of others. To discuss different strategies of how we can grow in heart, mind, and spirit, Marni welcomes Dating with Dignity’s Master Coach and Guru of the 5-Keys program, Sherrie Toews and our Director of Training and Master Coach Tessa Alburn into the Den.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Tess Alburn says the number one thing we ladies can do to keep ourselves positive during this unintended slow time is to be present. Focus on what is happening at the moment. No what if's, or thoughts about what was. We are alive and today is beautiful!
There are several ways to stay present:
Sheri adds that it is important to stay focused on self-appreciation and what feels good in our bodies. Be curious and creative if your usual routine is not enough. Take baby steps but try new things while keeping structure in your life.
Be careful not to make up stories about what you think you can't have or can't do. Routines will support you. You haven't lost control and you still have choices.
Don't fall down the rabbit hole of disempowerment and into a victim mentality. Give yourself a smile.
Marni reminds us to be intentional about creating intimacy and connection during social distancing. There are ways to create new or enrich current relationships, even our relationship to self.
Practice these three suggestions:
Virtual dates will likely become part of the new normal, at least for now. It’s easy to make the most of it while having fun and creating deep connections. In the last podcast episode, Mike Goldstein told us the process of asking for a virtual date. Now it’s time to get creative.
Give yourself permission to be playful and risk it. Let yourself be sweet to someone.
Social distancing offers a unique opportunity to turn inward and deal with your internal stuff. Anytime you feel challenged by the stillness, practice some emotional self-care. Start by acknowledging your feelings. Be honest about your fears and anxieties and give yourself permission to let them go.
Be generous during this time and generate some love.
Ask yourself ‘why does what I am feeling make sense?’ If you are critical or self-sabotaging yourself now, practice being an observer and stop judging yourself. Your inner critic may yell at you but if you stay in non-judgment you can calmly choose the next step.
Talk to your body parts to understand how you may be holding on to stress from unexpressed feelings.
Generosity towards oneself isn't selfish. It helps us learn to receive and to create a loving relationship. Choose something daily to be generous to yourself with. It could be 15-min or an hour. Consider who you want to become? Ask yourself what your high ideals are. What do I care about?
Being generous to others in this time of need can lift your spirits and the spirits of another person. A good example of things you can do is to color your own hair but send a check to your hairdresser.
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Dating Den Podcasts #83, #104, and #155 with Sherrie Toews and Tessa Album
The coronavirus pandemic has changed the way we live, work, and date but we all still crave connection and relationship. Our approach to dating apps and, dating in general, requires a gentle shift to accommodate the isolative guidelines. To inform us of how we can still find a high-quality man online and build more connection through a process of virtual dates Marni welcomes the #1 online dating expert in America, Mike Goldstein to the Den. Mike is a private dating coach, public speaker, and author. His work has been featured on the Today show and in Reader’s Digest.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Mike and Marni both recommend staying away from the doom and gloom. You can keep yourself informed without drowning in the negative aspects of what is happening. You can let your circumstances dictate your vision or you can let your vision guide you during this time.
Marni thinks that for women this is an especially awesome time to do virtual dating. Mike says it's a great opportunity to use virtual dating to focus on connection. When dating or meeting someone new, women often want connection before sex. The pandemic and quarantine are forcing us to go through the dating process. It gives us the time to find out if you are compatible with the other person.
Make an effort to really get to know each other on your virtual dates.
Mike shares an example of how the corona pandemic is giving one of his clients the time she always wanted. Use your time wisely and ask yourself what your future self wants?
During the coronavirus pandemic, single men and women are craving connection because we are not getting it.
It is still recommended to follow Mike’s 50/12/1 strategy on Match.com, OK Cupid, or eHarmony. Send 50 messages to guys you are interested in, 12 will say yes, and then narrow it down to one. The new ‘pandemic’ process includes asking for a 15-minute Facetime/Zoom/Skype, etc. call. Even if the call is going great, get off the call at the 15-minute mark, Mike says. Setting a boundary will give you a sense of control.
The ‘pandemic’ dating process includes some tweaks:
Just because you are not going ‘out’ on a date, put your best foot forward. Men are visual. Dress the way that makes you feel the best!
Data collecting is an important aspect of dating so why not use the time of extended virtual interactions to collect as much data as possible. Studies show that one of the top four things in terms of people getting together is proximity. So, be strategic and centralize your search radius to find a man closer to you. Mike points out that dating is already hard and it gets harder when people live far away.
Use your time wisely, try to avoid talking about the pandemic. Be different and change the topic if it comes up to something fun.
Remember, we are all going through this pandemic together for the first time. Get creative with your connection options. Suggest fun dating ideas you both can share virtually.
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For practical advice on the seven sexy habits that drive men wild, Marni welcomes the best-selling author of Project Everlasting, and creator of the Cracking the Man Code seminar, Matt Boggs into the den. Matt helps millions of people around the world understand the hearts and minds of the opposite sex and how they can attract the relationship they desire. He is a sought after dating and relationship expert. He's been featured on the Today Show, CNN, Headline News, and Oprah & Friends.
Key takeaways from this episode:
All of Matt's work revolves around supporting and empowering women in their love life. During the time of #Metoo, men have been shifting their behavior in how much attraction they are willing to show especially in certain environments. There has been a pullback from men when it comes to making the first move.
Are men afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing? Marni says ‘Yes’. Therefore, women need to make it clear they are interested so guys know it's ok to approach us and show us they are interested.
Women sometimes falsely think that men have all the power in a relationship. The truth is the woman has way more power and influence in the dating, courting, and attraction phase of the relationship. Throughout history, in relationships where there is a ton of chemistry and connection it is the woman who sends the signal and chooses the man.
To get a guy’s attention, making eye contact and smiling may not be enough. If you want to be bold beckon him over with your finger. You can be proactive AND feminine.
One of the biggest challenges in dating is when you feel attraction for another person you either overcompensate, or over demonstrate attraction for them. This is when a woman gushes over a man which is a total turn off. Men value what they earn so when a woman gushes too early it triggers something in a guy that makes them think the woman does it for everyone and therefore they are not special. It deflates the attraction.
The under is toxic to the attraction also. It's when a woman plays the ice queen as if they are not interested at all. Older and more successful women are more likely to act reserved. They may be afraid of getting hurt or they may not want to lead a guy on.
For a man to move things forward, a woman needs to demonstrate she is attracted to him. A woman's willingness to share her sexual attraction for a man is paramount. Sex is the main thing that differentiates a friendship from a romantic partnership.
In the dating game everyone is playing the same game. Rejection shouldn't stop you from playing the dating game nor should it devastate you.
Matt shares seven tactics you can use to express your sexual energy that men love. Expressing these seven things will boost a man’s attraction and desire for you.
A woman in joy is highly attractive to a man.
The number one barrier to implementing these strategies is feeling like you are leading a guy on and then that you may be disappointing or rejecting him.
When you reject a man it's not devastating to him. You are not responsible for his emotions or experience. You are simply freeing him up to find someone who is right for him. It's ok that it is just not a match. If a man approaches you and you are not interested, Matt recommends using this response “I'm flattered and I honor your courage. Unfortunately, I'm not available and I wish you the best of luck in your search for love."
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Marni welcomes Neuroscience Researcher and Creator of Neuroscience 101, Mark Waldman. Mark is the author of fourteen books including the national bestseller, How God Changes Your Brain, a book that was chosen by Oprah as a must-read. His work has been published in neuroscience and psychology journals, in Time and Forbes, and he is featured in many Youtube videos and a TEDx talk.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Mark coined the term ‘neurowisdom’ for the time when we think we are being knowledgeable. Our brains have a thinking network, a salience network, and an imagination network. The salience network is stronger in women than in men. Empathy, intuition, compassion, and self-love traits can all be attributed to the salience network. When you stimulate the salience part of your brain you balance out your creative imagination and your ability to make wise decisions.
Men, on the other hand, have a larger amygdala, which is the threat center of the brain. Research suggests that this explains why men are more aggressive in general. The thinking brain is our conscious planning mind where we carry out tasks. Mark believes that women make better leaders, therapists, and parents because of their more developed salience network. If you have a female brain your social brain is more developed.
Research shows that all mammals can be born with a male or female body but the brain develops autonomously with different hormones. It explains a lot of the conflict around gender identity.
Are you aware of the term ‘hot-headed’? Mark says that yawning is a thermal regulatory mechanism for the brain. When you yawn more cerebral blood flow circulates in your imagination center. Yawning slows down all the chatter in the thinking part of the thinking brain.
While we can’t live full-time in the empathetic part of the brain, diving into a meditative state or any form of relaxed meditative practice stimulates your salience network. Any time you take a few seconds to sit back and observe all of your rambling thoughts and feelings inside, you are creating a balance between the three networks and your motivational network.
Mindfulness practices can make substantial structural changes within the brain. But to function better right now in the moment, brief forms of meditation have an immediate effect. To become aware in an instant, download the mindfulness clock and take 10-60 seconds at a time to do a mindful yawn. This can be done at work or right before a date.
80% of the time you can take someone who has intense pain and bring their pain down to zero or one with yawning in 20 minutes.
An important way to stay calm is to pay attention to your intuition and take your fingers and stroke the palm and fingers of your opposite palm. Take a full 60 seconds to do it and become aware of the sensation and daydream.
Your imagination center puts together all kinds of thoughts and combinations of what is possible to achieve a particular goal. When you are in a relaxed mindful state of awareness you can mix your inner knowledge with outer knowledge.
When someone asks you a question, try to respond in 10 or 20 words maximum because that is all a person can consistently listen to.
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In this episode, Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down the two-day finale to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios you can use in your life to make finding a real, high-quality guy easier.
Key takeaways from this episode:
During the show when meeting Barbara, Hannah Anne walks in and wants to fit in and be liked. But Madison's actions were more cryptic. She was 3-hours late and seemed a bit harsh. There was a superficial exchange and poor communication between Barbara and Madison.
Marni asks when you are considering a long-term relationship where do you draw the line between what the family thinks and how you want to live your life? Should it be a Megan and Harry type thing when you pull out completely or some form of compromise?
Chris believes this subject should be talked about and understood by both partners before it is time to meet the family. Marni says when family is a core value it means you want to spend time with the family as a couple, share holidays, etc.
We get so caught up in being enamored with each other when dating sometimes we fail to ask the important questions like what faith or family looks like for the other person.
In the desert, Madison breaks up with Peter. She says she loves him but they live different lives. She says love is necessary but not sufficient.
Chris thinks Peter wasn't honest with himself and was trying to live up to someone else's ideals. It's attractive when someone can be open and vulnerable but Peter was setting himself up for failure.
Marni notes that Peter has a belief that love conquers all and if you love someone you can get through anything. But, Madison was not willing to compromise anything and Peter would have had to compromise himself completely. She thinks Peter’s family has a different way of expressing his faith that is a bit rigid.
When deciding on a long-term partner you might want to be flexible about your non-negotiables.
After Madison breaks up with Peter he decides he doesn't want to lose Hannah Anne. But is it really about love?
Marni points out that Peter knows Hanna Anne is a great person but he may not be over his ex. She shares how a situation like this may have been handled better and the different options Peter could have used to be more open, honest, and vulnerable. Peter is falling into the trap of loving anyone who loves him to get validated.
For Peter, the feeling of love is a feeling of being challenged, and that is an unhealthy way to experience love. Both he and Hannah Anne are people pleasers.
If you identify with this pattern, Marni says that should be the number one issue to address to improve your relationships.
Out of the women on the show, Marni thinks that possibly Kelsey and Peter may be a match because of their shared emotional immaturity.
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