Marni and Chris Gillis are back discussing the real-life dating lessons gleaned from this season of Bachelor in Paradise. They unpack why the ‘spark’ may be leading Tia to attract emotionally unavailable men, why Kendall should not be looking to Joe for consolation, and how sharing emotions turned Riley from bicep-guy to boyfriend material.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Should your ex be the person that consoles you when you are in a new relationship? Should you stay friends? Marni and Chris adamantly say no. When you break up, even if you had an intimate relationship, you should let it be over. If you have kids together you will always have a connection, but keep it about the kids.
In the show, Kendall runs to her ex, plays the victim to get Joe to console her. Marni felt like Joe was uncomfortable and Joe is over Kendall. Deep down some women think if they fall into the victim they can manipulate their ex into wanting them again. Marni says women manufacture conditions or circumstances in an attempt to rekindle a relationship with their ex. But, ladies, it doesn’t make you feel any better!
Do not run back to your ex! You wouldn't want your new boyfriend to console his ex. Bottom line, your ex shouldn't be your best friend or your emotional confidant. Even if a guy is willing, don't do it.
Don’t Trust a Spark [11:36]
A spark is basically a chemical reaction when you meet someone. The physical spark doesn’t last. It doesn't matter how attractive a person is, things can still go sour. Don't base an entire relationship on hotness because eventually, it won’t keep a relationship together.
In the show, Tia is a perfect example of how this backfires. She has a history of going for unavailable men. She is interested in two guys, both attractive. James is making an effort but she doesn't feel the spark. Then with Blake, she has big chemistry but he is kind of a douche. James is the better candidate for her but she may be too emotionally unavailable to see it.
It's hard for a relationship to work when one person is emotionally unavailable and the other isn't. Marni says, it is easy to blame things on other people but ask yourself if you are truly being open with the other person and creating the space for connection. Chris adds, when ladies open up and share, it adds a completely different dimension to them.
Riley is a great example of how letting vulnerability shine through can transform how other people perceive you. When he opens up to Marissa he becomes much more than a muscle-bound menace. He just may be long-term boyfriend material.
When someone shows us they are not perfect it makes us feel that we don't have to be perfect either.
The Key to Dating is to Not Take Things Personally [27:56]
In the show, Natasha has been dating unsuccessfully. But, when Ed asked her out she seemed open and honest during the date with him. If she had taken the unsuccessful dating attempts in the past personally she may have been guarded about letting herself be open to Ed.
If you meet someone who tells you everything you want to hear and then find out it was a front, don’t make it about yourself. Sure you might feel stupid for falling for them but it truly has nothing to do with you and everything to do about them.
The key to successful dating is not to take things personally.
Chris asks Marni how ladies can trust that being vulnerable is the best way to date when things don't work out with a guy they are attracted to. Marni says past traumas can cause us to be hypervigilant when dating. We collect evidence about why we need to put up walls to protect ourselves.
If you are someone who is continually disappointed in dating Marni says:
True vulnerability is always attractive.
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Marni welcomes the Founder and Chairman of the Optimum Health Clinic which is one of the world’s leading integrative medicine clinics. Alex is also the creator of the Therapeutic Coaching Methodology and the In Therapy with Alex Howard, Youtube series. They discuss what may be keeping you stuck from having deeper, more intimate connections.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Alex was mired in his inability to have a happy, lasting relationship. He suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome as a teen. As a result, he proactively began a long-term healing journey. He trained to become a therapist. He discovered his first true love in life was psychology. In his mid-20s, after he had attained everything he thought he wanted out of life, but was miserable when it came to relationships.
Alex started to believe he couldn't have a long-term relationship. He found dating healthy but he wanted something more.
The problem, he determined, was how he was showing up in relationships. He was being the person he thought he needed to be instead of who he truly was. He was coming from an inauthentic place, his idealized self. It wasn’t serving him because he couldn't sustain that image in a long-term relationship. He also had an idea of who he thought he needed to be with.
Men long for deeper relationships too!
Masks that Block Emotional Intimacy [17:42]
Alex points out that both men and women develop masks derived from how they were treated as a child, as coping strategies. We may wear a mask of independence because we were scolded for being weak as a child. Or, a mask of a helper because as children we were adored when we did things for other people. The problem, he says, is in our relationships those masks can keep us trapped. What we need is to have others relate to us as our authentic selves.
The vulnerabilities we feel we need to hide from the world are often the ones that create the most intimacy in relationships.
How to Break Free From the Mask [26:18]
Building intimate relationships with another person requires building safety with one another. Alex says the key to breaking free of the masks behind what we are trying to hide is:
You can’t heal what you don’t feel.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
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Marni welcomes the co-founder of the video speed dating app, Filter Off, Zach Schleien. Zach is a TEDx speaker who knows dating. His passions are technology, health, and creating authentic connections. Zach and the app have been featured in the New York Times and BBC.
Key takeaways from this episode:
People are more comfortable with video since the pandemic started. Now is the time for Filter Off video speed dating since Zoom meetings and virtual chat groups are commonplace. Pre-pandemic people wouldn't always agree to a video chat. Video is the future of online dating and for good reason.
Zach says video dating is here to stay because people are more comfortable with the technology. Plus, it is efficient. Instead of texting back and forth with a person who just may be catfishing you, women are able to get a feel for who a guy really is. It makes it easier to make an intimate connection and filter out the bad apples.
Making Great Video Connections [6:54]
Filter Off offers multiple ways to make great connections. Make a short video, add your gender and age preferences, and allow Filter Off to offer you matches. You have five days to set up a video date after matches are offered.
There are private communities and there are interest-based communities. For example, if you are into running, there’s an interest-based group for runners, and you automatically find like-minded people.
There are virtual speed dating events. Start chatting, be curious, and share your passions. Filter Off will ask you if the person you are chatting with is a match. If not, move on. If so, set up a short video date. Filter Off even supplies ice breaker questions to get the conversation going.
Video Dating Hacks [18:41]
Zach recommends getting on a video date as soon as possible. This process is so much more efficient and people get a truer sense of one another. Who wouldn’t want to find their real match faster?
Video speed dating allows people to connect for 90 seconds and then decide if it is a match or pass.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
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Marni and Chris discuss the dating lessons gleaned from the latest episode of Bachelor in Paradise. They touch on great basic dating tips to how to get past your childhood wounds and date like an adult.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Kendall, Grocery Store Joe’s ex-fiance, comes back to see if the relationship can be rekindled. They obviously share a physical attraction and connect on many things, but Kendall doesn’t want to talk about why they ended things in the first place. They have goals and values that don’t match up. Joe wants to live in Chicago. Kendall likes L.A.
Chris loves that relationships can be rekindled but warns guys if they get a second shot don't chase the girl.
Marni says rejection is God's protection. If you are dating someone and you are unable to resolve the 69% of perpetual problems and you can't manage conflict the relationship will probably not work out in the long run. Love is necessary but it's not enough.
To get back with your ex — You have to agree about the problem you broke up over and work through it.
Stay cautiously optimistic and not rush toward exclusivity.
Then they discuss Disaster Demi. She gets upset when Kenny dates other people after they sleep together. She tries to seduce him again and Kenny is obviously over it. Marni notes if you make a decision to sleep with someone, communicate your expectations around it or assume it means nothing. Demi turns into a victim when she doesn't get what she wants and it is off-putting.
Leading with sex is not the way to a quality guy's heart.
How to Deal with the Anxiety When You Really Like a Guy [17:11]
How Marissa acts when Riley is out with other people is an example of the ugly side of anxiety. Marissa had never been on a real date and admits she has walls up. During her date with Riley, she has sex with him. Then when Riley goes to a disco, Marissa freaks out. She likes him so much she is leaking insecurity everywhere. She doesn't feel worthy and it is not attractive.
If you find yourself feeling insecure:
Chris points out that we act like the worst versions of ourselves when we are most excited about getting what we want. He says it is when we tend to fall apart and self-sabotage.
If you are a woman who gets anxious when you like a guy:
Attracted to the Same Guy as Your Friend? [34:52]
In dating, until you have the exclusivity conversation, it is important to remember that you don't own a person. Many women get into trouble when they form unhealthy attachments. You have to be honest with yourself and even if you have gone out with the guy a few times you have to trust the process. If he wants to date someone else, so be it.
Remember you are dating to try and find your person.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
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Marni welcomes the Wall Street Journal bestselling author of Battle-tested CEO Krister Ungerböck to the podcast to discuss a communication framework that can save relationships at work and home. Krister shares simple verbal shifts that can transform conversations, reduce conflict, and create intimacy within your relationships.
Key takeaways from this episode:
TalkShift is a communication framework Krister developed after watching many of his business and personal relationships fall apart. Two weeks after stepping down from his position as CEO, his wife walked out on him. He thought he was a good leader but later realized no one wanted to be in a relationship with him.
We don't need to change people, we just need to change our words
Krister describes what makes language powerful and how to use the question words, how and why to ask a question without making the other person defensive. He advises using a scale to understand the true depth of a person’s feelings.
Solve Problems in a Playful Way [17:23]
Research shows that men tend to thrive upon the approval and encouragement from their female partners. This means when a woman criticizes or doesn't offer encouragement to a man, it feels as if he is taking an emotional hit.
Women tend to leave a relationship twice as frequently as men.
Marni and Krister both openly share a personal experience about a communication gap in their current relationships. In both instances, an unintentional repetitive pattern plays out during conversations. Krister says by bringing the habit into awareness and giving it a name, the issue can be resolved in a playful way without causing resentment or anger.
A subtle, non-intentional repetitive manner of communication can erode a relationship, or someone's self-esteem in a relationship.
Creating Intimacy From Conflict [30:35]
Krister points out that whenever we find ourselves angry there is always an underlying driver. There are four underlying feelings, being afraid, ashamed, guilty, or sad. A key to dissolving anger is to ask yourself what is behind your anger. Then choose one of the four underlying feelings. This will help to get to the root cause of an issue and allow us the freedom to discuss what is truly bothering us.
We all have triggers. Knowing our partners triggers makes it easier to give them a pass. When our partner is triggered don’t expect to have a deep conversation right away. Let the moment pass and then have deeper conversations about what sets each other off when the situation has passed.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
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Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni and Chris get together to discuss what insane people do when they are dating that they don't think they do. After watching the double episode of Bachelor in Paradise, Marni took away the obvious dating lessons to share. If you think the way to get a quality guy is to be the ‘cool girl' or you are afraid to commit because you don't want to miss out, there are great lessons for you in this episode.
Key takeaways from this episode:
What makes Kenny the most desirable guy in this group? Kenny is 40 and relatively mature. Chris thinks all the chicks are fighting over him because he seems to be comfortable in his own skin. Kenny is dating with dignity. He is not doing douche-baggy things. He makes it clear he is ready for a long-term relationship.
Mari tells Kenny she wants to date other people. He responds by telling her he will be doing the same. And, while dating multiple people at the same time is dignified and can help you figure out who will make a good partner. The way Mari delivered the message left a lot to be desired.
Kenny is dating multiple people at the same time to find a long-term partner.
Marni says if you are afraid to commit and are dating someone who has self-worth, when you tell the other person you want to see other people, you should mean it. A person who has self-worth, like Kenny, will not take it personally and do what you suggest. Kenny slept with Demi shortly after Mari spoke with him.
Quality Guys Get Bored When You Self-Sabotage [20:07]
If you have a pattern of sabotaging your relationships, it is likely guys you are dating will become disinterested. Consider if you are putting all of your cards on the table, or whether you make it too hard for him to take things to the next level. He might just get bored and find someone else who is easy to date.
Abigail is an example of someone who doesn’t open up and reciprocate feelings. She admits to being a self-sabotager but she can’t seem to break the pattern. Noah says he will try to break down her walls but after a while, he will become disinterested. It is tragic.
How to Be Resilient in Dating [29:28]
Aaron displays a great example of resilience after Tammy dumps him. Even though he was really bummed out he did not let it impact his ability to stay true to his goal. He didn’t take it personally, he didn’t go into victim, and he shifted his energy.
If someone informs you they want to stop dating, give yourself time to be bummed out but get over it. Stay in the game and make another connection.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates