During this coaching session, Marni works with April to help her break free of a relationship that doesn’t meet her needs. April keeps going back to a guy because he fits into a familiar relationship pattern.
Key takeaways from this episode:
April says she can't stop thinking about this particular guy. When they first started dating, he would say he never felt the way he feels with her. He gave her compliments and said he will make her a priority. He knows her favorite song and her favorite water!
She says they dated for about 8 weeks. And, during that time he deleted his dating apps. Then, he hurt his back and their dynamic shifted. She reached out and asked him what was going on and told him what she needed. He only said he was doing the best he could. They attempted a relationship for a while but it was different so she ended it. Now, she is back in it. He says he can't give her what she needs but there is something about him that keeps her going back.
April is rationalizing, coping, and intellectualizing because she is trying to get what she wants from an unhealthy place.
April admits that the on-again-off-again type relationship reminds her of the relationship she had with her stepmother. It was always hot and cold. The relationship feels familiar and she knows how to deal with it even though she doesn't like it.
Healing Past Wounds Makes the Future Better [14:47]
Marni takes April through an exercise of talking to herself, as a child, when she first learned about how relationships worked. (Her little who)
Every time April goes back to a guy that makes her feel like her step mother did she is reinforcing the idea that she isn't ready to make self-honoring choices.
Marni helps April to realize that she will waste more years of her life feeling unworthy only to be in the same position years down the road if she doesn't shift her behavior.
When she wants to text the guy she will consider that it is her ‘little who’ who is being needy and she will find a healthy distraction. She will practice meeting her own needs in a healthy way.
April promises to be courageous.
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Marni and Chris mine the gold nuggets from this week’s Bachelorette episode. They have to extract with care because they don’t want Bachelorette Michelle to get defensive. They share practical examples of what to do and not to do in real-life dating scenarios.
Key takeaways from this episode:
While Michelle seems to like all the guys on the show, she can be hot and cold. If a guy says something that triggers her, she gets defensive and puts up her hackles or sits in contempt. For example, when Martin asked her if she was high-maintenance. But, Martin is looking for someone who vibes with his beliefs so he should ask qualifying questions.
Can you be into someone but keep waiting for them to mess up or do something you don't like?
Because of our beliefs, we interpret what someone says from the lens from which we have been hurt or our protective wall. Michelle has an outgoing personality but when things start to get real or when there is a spark of intimacy she feels she needs to take control. Marni says if you can relate to this it may be because you are coming from a hurt space.
We all have patterns that stem from hurt places. The challenge is to be aware of them and not let the fear from past hurts get in the driver’s seat of how we navigate the dating process.
During dating, many women think they have to say what a guy wants to hear because they want him to like her. But, this is the time they should be exploring each other’s differences. A difference of opinion is not the end of a relationship, and if it is you haven’t found your person.
Searching for Compatibility [19:11]
As dating progresses people are searching for compatibility. Marni says that getting to compatibility is the easiest part. Getting back to compatibility is the true test of a healthy relationship. Small differences can derail people if they are not invested in the relationship. They, often, see a misfire as a red flag or a trap, so they bail rather than wait to see how they can work through it.
Marni recommends having conversations about your differences to see if you are on the same page and if it is an opportunity for someone to take responsibility and grow in that area.
Ladies, don’t get caught up in what you think a relationship is supposed to be like.
Chris thinks the internet loves Leroy because he is a nice guy that doesn’t say much. The cameras just slide right by him without ever stopping. He has surprisingly made it to Michelle's top 12 guys by staying in the shadows.
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Marni welcomes Licensed Psychotherapist Terri Cole to the Life Check Yourself podcast. Terri is a global relationship and empowerment expert, the author of Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free, and podcast host. She offers up tips for single ladies who date, how-to say no with ease and grace, and her effective Boundary Blueprint.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Terri describes boundaries as personal rules of engagement. Guidelines we set to let other people know what is ok and what is not ok with us. They are rules specifically customized around our limits, values, and deal-breakers. They let people know how to treat us.
When we were young most of us were told to be good kids and do things for other people whether we wanted to or not. This means, most of us were raised to be self-abandoning, people-pleasing, co-dependents. Almost all of us have disordered boundaries.
Terri says boundaries are a language we can learn. We got corrupted data and that creates a twisted sense of self, value, and worth. It is a complicated aspect of our personality. In her book, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free she has step-by-step instructions on how to set healthy boundaries.
When we do things for others that they can and should be doing for themselves we can become bitter and burnt out. It is absolutely okay to say no without an explanation of why you are saying no.
The amount of self-respect, self-love, and self-worth we feel for ourselves sets the bar for every other relationship in our lives. Whether we know it or not.
The Boundary Blueprint [15:33]
If you don't set boundaries, you will be a martyr only doing things for people out of a corrupted sense of responsibility. You may try to make people feel guilty and you will give corrupted data about yourself to the people in your life so they won't authentically know you. And, how can anyone authentically love you if you don't allow them to authentically know you or you don't authentically know yourself?
To get started: Get clear about where you need a boundary, then
Single women should value their time and not get stuck in the pen pal zone when a guy texts but won’t ask you out. Ask him to take things to the next level. Who has time to waste? Not empowered single women.
Set boundaries in the dating realm, early and often.
A woman who has healthy boundaries says something when someone doesn’t keep their word. She pushes back when a guy doesn't call when he says he will. She doesn't collude with a guy's twisted sense of reality when he thinks his time is more valuable than she is.
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In this Check Your Life podcast, Marni and Chris break down the real-life dating lessons from the most recent episode of the Bachelorette. Bachelorette Michelle is throwing out a lot of pink flags, and it has the guys confused. The guys need to know exactly what she wants but she or the producers are creating a lot of inconsistencies and confusion.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The show starts off with Michelle’s date with Martin. Marni finds Martin distracting and thinks he is trying very hard to make a statement with his image. A Stylist on the Life Check Yourself team says if your image shows up before you do, you are hiding in your clothes. People should notice you, not what you are wearing.
Your style should showcase you, not cover up who you are.
Marni and Chris offer some tips for when you find yourself on a date with Mr. Try Hard. Basically, when dating IRL don’t fall for a guy’s potential! There is a chance Martin could change, but it is not likely. Marni and Chris agree he is a boy who is not ready to be engaged.
The Slumber Party [15:12]
Viewers may never know if this group activity was designed to invoke drama but it sure seemed like it. The producers put the guys in silky pajamas but then in a masculine environment. Chris says it had to be staged. Someone knew the guys would not make a love connection because they were in battle mode due to all the testosterone in the room.
Michelle shows up and none of the guys pay attention to her. She obviously wanted more attention yet she didn’t get involved she sat and sulked. She says she didn't feel seen. She scolds the guys for not giving her what she wanted which surprised them because she had not told them what she wanted.
Marni says Michelle is a classic example of a woman who is extremely pretty and smart and should be super confident but something in her childhood left her insecure. She should speak to a life coach or therapist.
When you feel small your vibe is small.
Let Your Feminine Energy Shine Through [29:39]
Michelle displays a lot of masculine energy. She dresses very feminine to try and balance it out. Michelle is a basketball, tomboy-type girl yet the producers have her dressed in heels and ball gowns. It must be so confusing for the guys.
If a guy doesn't know where he stands or what you want he will do nothing.
Marni believes it is giving her the friendzone vibe which confuses the guys because they signed up to get engaged. Chris says the guys are having a hard time reading her because she isn't being flirtatious.
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In this Life Check Yourself podcast, Marni facilitates a live coaching episode with Michelle. Michelle has been divorced for almost eight years. She has been dating for a while but seems to sabotage relationships when she starts falling for a guy because she is scared. Marni offers her some tools to use when she feels herself pulling away.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Michelle dates outgoing, professional guys who are fun to be with but elusive. They look good on paper and check all the boxes and should-haves. What is holding Michelle back is that internally she feels as soon as things start going well she will become disappointed. Therefore, she never achieves emotional intimacy with them, even after dating for a couple of years. This stems from having her feelings hurt and not feeling heard when she was a child.
There is a difference between being cautiously optimistic and having expectations.
Michelle doesn’t trust her feelings because no one validated her as a child. Deep down she fears abandonment. She recognizes she feels stuck and needs to nurture the little girl inside of her.
The Path to Meet a High-Quality Man [27:03]
Marni offers Michelle the tools to help her connect to her intuition and her essence. When she empowers herself to have the emotional intelligence she wants to have, she will feel emotionally safe and grounded. Marni reminds her that we attract who we are. If she is emotionally open, she will attract a man who is also emotionally open.
By creating our own emotional safety we start attracting people into our lives who are emotionally available.
Michelle is going to:
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In this Life Check Yourself podcast, Marni and Chris discuss the dating traps exhibited by the guy contestants in the latest episode of the Bachelorette. Who does Michelle choose when presented with a strong contrast between looks-good-on-paper Jamie and the not-sure-I-am-good-enough Rodney?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni notes that too many women become focused on how a guy looks on paper and whether or not he checks all the boxes. She warns against this because when we get attached to the idea of someone and not shared values, we end up with the wrong partner.
For example, Bachelor Jamie is CEO of a biomedical tech company. He fits the image a girl would be super happy to talk to her friends and family about when we peek behind the curtain he has been seen putting other dudes down and telling everyone else they are wrong. Big red flags there.
The person you date does not add to your worthiness.
Jamie tries to trap Michelle by saying he is trying to protect her, yet he is the one planting seeds of doubt in her mind. Plus, Chris points out Jamie hangs out with the not-so-nice guys and you know what they say about birds of a feather. Jamie displays a complete lack of humbleness. He can not be silly or laugh at himself. Who wants to date someone like that?
Sometimes we want to see what we want to see. That is why it is important to get clear about our values because we could be missing out on a great guy.
Why Do We Put Some Guys in the Friendzone? [17:56]
Enter Rodney. When he approaches Michelle he does the opposite of Jamie and tells her that he may not be this and he may not be that but asks her to give him a try. While it did catch Michelle off guard, she asked him why he would start a conversation (or a contest for that matter) in that way. He just unwittingly put himself in the friendzone!
Ladies, if you feel that the guys you are attracted to never want to commit, but the guys you are attracted to are not interested in you, this may be the issue.
If you have gone out on a few dates and you like a guy but are not feeling it, what can you test the waters to see if he is just nervous or if he has low self-worth?
Chris says that men who are worth a damn will love doing something brave and show you who they really are. With the caveat that sometimes they need instructions.
Lessons Gleaned About F-Boys [30:05]
The clever ones know how to work the system. When true F-boys feel a woman is moving away, they turn on the waterworks. Or, when they feel you are getting clingy they move far enough away to keep you hooked. F-boys have colorful stories but they use their powers for evil instead of good.
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Marni welcomes Sexual Health Specialist, Christine Delozier to the Life Check Yourself podcast. Christine is an acupuncturist and herbalist who treats every patient holistically through research and study into traditional Chinese medicine, dietary nutrition, and counseling. She shares some simple changes you can do to get your mind and body sex-life ready.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Christine believes approaching health from a natural perspective is the most effective way to take care of our bodies. In Chinese medicine, a practitioner always looks to the root of health to assist their patient, not symptoms. To achieve optimum sexual health it is best to treat the root of the issue through diet and nutrition.
When we think about great sex, women tend to think about it psychologically, but physiological great sex means strong signals of pleasure are sent from our genitals and nerve endings up to our brain, therefore, balancing our sex hormones.
One of the most-widespread complaints Christine receives from women is they often have low libido and difficulty achieving orgasm. What they don’t realize is that the food they are eating affects each of those things.
Leafy greens are great for great sex. They increase nerve conduction, blood flow, reduce cortisol, and optimize testosterone. In addition, antioxidants show stronger nerve impulses, protect against damage, and increase clitoral sensitivity.
Eating a salad is more about being healthy than losing weight.
Chomp on This Before Going on a Date [15:57]
In Christine’s book, Diet for Great Sex: Food for Male and Female Sexual Health, she includes a Date Night Sex Menu. She describes what greasy foods do to the libido and how refined sugars disrupt hormones and taint our testosterone. Plus, to stay confident and comfortable throughout a date, eat plenty of vitamin C and potassium before leaving the house on a date.
Oysters are known as libido-raising food due to their high zinc content.
How to Achieve Great Sex Based on Chinese Medicine [26:11]
Traditional Chinese medicine teaches us that hormonal balance is the balance of Yin/Yang in the body. Yin is the feminine essence and the physical attributes of the body. Yang is male energy, think nerve conduction, and the heart beating. Balance is key.
The traditional Chinese view on sex is that when we have strong Chi we have good sex. And, the essence of life is believed to be housed in the kidneys. The embodiment of our essence is menses for women and ejaculate for males. In addition, every meal should have five main flavors. Without a bit of each, it can throw hormones out of balance.
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If you've followed The Dating Den for a while, you know that the work we do on this show is about much more than just dating. At the core, we help our listeners live and love courageously so that they can create a life of peace and joy and success and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams.To fully realize this vision, we knew we needed to expand.