Marni welcomes Sally Maxwell into the studio. Sally is the VP of HG Life division, a senior coach, and has a B.A. in theater and in music. She lives her life on her own terms and is passionate about working with people to transform their lives using the Handel method. During this episode, Sally breaks down the HG principles in a direct and loving way and offers practical tips and actions to get you off autopilot.
Key takeaways from this episode:
How to live your dreams
Connecting to joy
Getting measurable results
Design a tagline for your life
The Handel method is an innovative, straightforward coaching method that changes the lives of private and corporate clients for over 20-years. It is taught at MIT, Stanford, and 50 other educational programs. What makes it different is that it is specific and measurable. It is one of the only methods that incorporates spirituality with the take the action and do the thing philosophy. Combining the elements creates a cohesive transformational experience. It addresses all the aspects of humanity, Sally says.
The first thing clients do is write their dreams in twelve areas of life from the perspective of their higher self. Sally says that as we age we can forget how to dream because we only believe that whatever is possible is right in front of us. Clients are encouraged to tune out their negative inner dialogue and tell the truth about what they want.
Marni asks why it is so easy for people to get tunnel vision or be afraid to dream. Sally says we have different voices such as the Brat, (lower-self), the Chicken, the Weather Reporter.
Getting stuck in our lower selves is what gets in our way as human beings.
How to Connect to Joy [24:24]
The fastest way to get connected to joy is to think about the one thing we need to deal with that we put off then, create a specific and measurable promise about when we are going to do it. The driver is to give ourselves a self-imposed consequence if we don't do it or blow it off.
We are not connected to the long-term consequence of blowing off our dreams and that keeps us stuck.
Design a Tagline for Your Dreams [31:14]
Marni asks Sally what people can do when they are in the moment of breaking a promise to themselves. Sally says there are two immediate actions a person could take. They could break the promise to themselves and pay the consequence or design a tagline. A tagline is a marquee header for how a person relates to something. Give their dream a title.
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Marni, Man-alist Chris Gillis, and Dr. Emily recap the final episode of Season 26 of The Bachelor. Man-child Clayton ends up with Susie, even though she ultimately turned him down after finding out about his extracurricular activities. Gabby shows her emotional maturity as Rachel loses her eyelashes but both ladies will be Bachelorettes so everyone got what they wanted, or did they?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Trust yourself when dating
Being authentic
Clayton’s Yuck Factor is Exacerbated by His Lack of Empathy [1:26]
Chris points out that Clayton utilized the word salad bucket more than once during this episode. He blankly looks at all the ladies and says he has no regrets blah, blah, blah, and we all got our happy ending. Marni and Dr. Emily agree that it was a big cop-out and easier for him than actually having some empathy for the women he falsely proclaimed his love to.
When the girls shared their feelings and got vulnerable Clayton acted like he was bored to death. He quipped that he needed to follow his heart. He was non-specific and didn't seem to care what the ladies felt. He just wanted to get it over with.
Gabby's reaction to Clayton was more empowered because she was not attracted. She flat-out told Clayton that he sounded ridiculous. And, kudos to her because she did it without acting out or getting upset. Dr. Emily points out that Gabby didn't make the rejection about herself and she didn't take it personally, which shows emotional maturity.
The difference between mature love and immature love is that when someone is operating from their unmet needs it is akin to a child trying to date and create relationships with an adult body.
Immature Versus Mature Relationships [9:16]
Dr. Emily was so disgusted by Clayton’s lack of empathy she began googling the red flags of sociopaths. To tell all the ladies he slept with the other women and then to think that everything would be fine was outrageous. Marni believes Clayton to be no better than a 15-year-old boy in the emotional sense. He is a wannabe player.
Clayton seems to think that if he feels something he is allowed to act on it as he doesn’t have ill intent. It is overly simplistic. He didn't consider anyone else's feelings. Mature love takes everyone’s feelings into account.
Dr. Emily thinks he is just peeling back the first layer of what love is. Chris doesn't think Clayton is out there to hurt anybody but Marni says he is a man-child. She adds that she thinks he is not dumb, he is just super-selfish.
Love is about caring for another person and accepting responsibility.
Do We Love the Ones We Fight for More? [32:37]
Dr. Emily points out that easy relationships may seem boring to our brains. When the beginning of a relationship is dramatic or exciting it can be interpreted as chemistry by our brains. She says it is important to remember that if someone says they don’t want to be with us we have to respect it.
If someone doesn't want to be with you, let them go. Practice dignity with dating.
When someone breaks up with another, there can be one clarifying conversation. one conversation to let the other person explain how they feel or why they are not interested but no more. Don’t let things draw out because no good can come of it.
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Marni welcomes Master Certified Life Coach, Grief Expert, Widow, Mom, and Host of the Widowed Mom podcast, Krista St-Germain. Krista’s husband was killed by a drunk driver. When she finally emerged after therapy, she began working with clients to help them gain the tools to move forward and create a future they were excited about.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Forgiveness as a vehicle of healing
Processing grief
Self-care during grieving
Dating after a loss
Embracing feelings
Krista describes how she went from tragedy to living into her purpose. She says the first step was understanding that it was real. Her life changed in an instant. But, even through the trauma she says, a small part of her knew that it was possible to take the crappy cards she was dealt and deal herself some meaning in life.
She knew she had to step into forgiveness but it wasn’t easy. It took her a while to realize that the person who killed her husband was not in a good place or he wouldn’t have been on alcohol and drugs in the first place. She needed to forgive him before she could move forward.
There is a difference between forgiving someone so you can let go of the emotional weight and forgiving the person to make them feel better.
Processing Grief [9:05]
Marni asks Krista how she took care of herself during the grief and loss. Krista says, as children, we don't learn how to process our emotions. It's not taught in school and our parents don't know how to prepare us for this. A normal response is to get away or hide from grief but we can only use the avoidance behaviors for so long before we have to put the brakes on and embrace our feelings. Allowing ourselves to feel our feelings is a big part of self-care.
Krista says she did a lot of things to distract herself after her husband died. She would eat a lot and go shopping to fill her time. She had to learn to feel her feelings and not resist them. You don't get to make the feelings go away. They are always there and they wait for you to be ready to deal with them.
Until you learn to process your feelings you waste energy trying to get away or hide from them.
One of the biggest feelings Krista spends time coaching her people through is when they want to be happy again. But when they start to feel happy again they judge themselves for it.
When to Start Dating After a Loss of a Spouse [16:41]
Some people start dating after a loss because they are trying to fill a void. For Krista, dating felt like a hassle. She didn't want to do it. She wanted to be whole, complete, amazing, and wonderful before she felt she could give to another person instead of grasping to get what she needed.
Research shows we are not happier partnered than not partnered.
Coming from a place of wholeness, no matter your situation, is the best approach to partnership. Feeling our feelings makes us fully alive. When we don't have the skills or the desire to be with all of our feelings, what often happens is we get stuck in a stagnant zone, we don't feel the highs or the lows. It keeps us from taking risks or leaning into new possibilities. We need to take risks to feel alive and to feel love.
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Marni, Chris, and Dr. Emily discuss the four-hour, two-part drama that was this past week’s The Bachelor. Clayton wants all the cake and Susie says he can’t have his cake and eat it too. Finding common ground about whether Clayton was being a jerk or was justified in his actions is a slippery slope as you will hear in this in-depth Bachelor breakdown.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Defining gaslighting
Setting clear expectations and boundaries
Dating with dignity
Taking responsibility for your actions
First, Hey Internet — Gaslighting is not what you think it is! Dr. Emily defines gaslighting as intentionally lying to make someone feel like they are crazy. Clayton was not gaslighting when he reacted to Susie’s confrontation, he may have been withholding information but that is not gaslighting.
Backstory if you missed the episode, Clayton tells two women he loves them. He also had physical relations with Rachel and Gabby. Susie confronts him saying that if he is having sex with other people then she’s out. She obviously doesn’t think he shares her values around sex and love. In her mind, why would Clayton have sex with other women if he is in love with her.
Chris says Susie was totally justified in what she said. She was direct and that is the communication style men understand. Marni disagrees saying that if you are dating someone IRL you would never know if they were sleeping with other people unless you ask.
Dr. Emily says when Clayton said ‘I love you’ he made everything more complicated. The women assume those three words mean commitment which is perfectly OK. But, until you have the conversation, you should not assume anything.
Marni, Dr. Emily & Chris do not come to a consensus about how much of a red flag Clayton's actions were. He was rude and hurtful on purpose and that means somewhere down deep his little who felt rejected.
If you are dating someone and have values around sex it is important to communicate what your expectations are about having sex, being exclusive, being direct about feelings.
If He Only Had a Heart [19:41]
Clayton has done little to generate audience support. When he speaks it is without feeling. His actions look generated. It could be because his self-worth is low or that the show’s producers gave him a Bachelor playbook. He is inauthentic. To his credit, they are trying to date and find love in fabricated environments with scripts written by strangers.
Susie speaks her truth and sets a firm boundary. Clayton doesn’t want the relationship to be over but that is not Susie’s fault. She could have said something sooner but she doesn’t owe him anything.
When you set boundaries people may not like it but your boundaries are for you, not them.
Will Susie be the next Bachelorette?
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Marni welcomes renowned financial guru and the founder of HealthyLoveandMoney.com, Ed Coambs into the Life Check Yourself studio. Ed helps couples deal with their money stuff. He is recognized as a thought leader who offers financial therapy. He has been cited in the WSJ, AP, NYT, and CNBC. He leads couples through therapy from financial despair and frustration into financial intimacy and connection.
Key takeaways from this episode:
How to practice financial empathy
Solving money issues in a healthy way
Discover your money attachment style
The best time to talk about money when dating
Practicing Financial Empathy [1:54]
Ed says money conflict is not equal to other types of conflict. Money conflicts are more damaging to relationships than other types of conflict. Money represents security, safety, and freedom and it means different things to different people. Money can take on any meaning we give it. We use money for so many different purposes, psychologically speaking, it makes it a loaded topic.
Ed recommends having money conversations before couples commit. As a couple, we need to feel we are doing money the right way otherwise we are out of alignment. In the search for financial empathy, gather your money memories from childhood.
Money shame doesn't ever go away; it is more about what you do about it once you are in it.
We did not choose most of our early money situations. We were born into them. Those starting financial points left indelible impressions that will be with us for our entire life. If we don't reconcile and deal with them.
Money Attachment Styles [20:49]
Ed says he didn't believe that attachment style had anything to do with money issues when he first began his business. But, when he began reflecting on his money history, upbringing, and spending or saving habits he recognized the cause and effect. He says it is a challenging journey to go on, but it is liberating.
Every time you talk about money you activate the attachment system.
Early money influences can turn into a shopping habit or be the motivation to become a workaholic or avid spender if you felt you didn’t have enough as a child. Or, if you fear being rejected you may try to hide your spending habits.
For adults who are trying to form and maintain loving, safe, and intimate relationships it is important for them to form new patterns.
Make Healthy Emotional Money Decisions [29:58]
Ed says the first step into shifting your relationship with money is to become aware that you have a relationship with money. Then, work with someone qualified to help you work through it. You won't unearth your money story and shift it on your own. Make self-examination a way of life versus self-criticism and shame. And, for the love of God, enjoy your life.
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The Couples Guide to Financial Intimacy
The Healthy Love & Money Way: How The Four Attachment Styles Impact Your Financial Well-Being
Marni and Chris Gillis reflect on the latest Bachelor episode as this season starts to taper off. This ho-hum sandbox of a season lacks the heart and compassion of previous Bachelor seasons. It seems Robot Clayton didn’t come pre-programmed with emotions or charm. It would be a travesty if he ended up with Gabby because she is a shiny gem amongst the dull rocks.
Key takeaways from this episode:
How long to date before getting engaged?
Male and female communication styles
Remembering heartfelt Bachelor seasons
Being a goofball can be endearing
Is it Too Early to Get Engaged? [1:21]
Marni and Chris reminisce about Colton Underwood’s recent engagement. He had previously dated Bachelor contestant Cassie for two years then he revealed he was interested in men and now he is engaged to political strategist, Jordan Brown.
How long should a person wait to get engaged after leaving a long-term relationship? Marni thinks it should take over a year to know if a person has similar values or won't circumvent your deal breakers. Plus, if there are no disagreements you have no idea how the two of you will handle conflict.
If you haven’t had any disagreements in your relationship, are you speaking about your needs or setting boundaries?
Robot Clayton [8:56]
The number one thing that would add some pizazz to this mundane, boring season would be to magically inject Clayton with some emotions. And, truth be told even the contestants don't seem exceptionally happy or sad. There is no joy or pain displayed by anyone on the show.
When Clayton broke up with Serene, it made Chris feel weird. Chris says he would rather have someone get their emotions out instead of simply walking away. Clayton is showing red flags when it comes to communication. He sounds like one of those guys who doesn't know how to handle conflict.
Again Marni reminisces about a previous Bachelor, Ben Higgs was the first Bachelor to say 'I love you'. He broke the mold and the rules when he told two contestants he loved them. Marni also lovingly remembers Greg Grippo’s love for Katie as being a show highlight.
The current Bachelor cast is in it for the wrong reasons. It makes the show seem staged and manipulative.
Clayton and Gabby [16:27]
Both Marni and Chris agree that Clayton is repetitive and mundane. He is good at reflecting back but he is not great at sharing his thoughts. He is so emotionally disconnected that his body language is stunted. Mani says that there are a lot of women like this, their spirit doesn't show through because they don't know how to communicate.
While Gabby may not be everyone's cup of tea, with the right person it will be adorable and fun. Because of her goofiness, Gabby may be friend-zoning herself. Clayton says Gabby is sweet. Chris thinks she is the whole package: sweet, sexy, and cool.
Marni likes Gabby because she is capable of being vulnerable and being super hot like when she showed up at the rose ceremony. She is showing all sides of herself. But, Marni doesn't think Clayton will pick her because she is so awesome.
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