Marni and Chris recap another episode of Season Two of Love is Blind. The couples are finally spending time together. They get 24-48 hours alone to see if the connections they made in the pods remain true. And, spoiler alert, love is not blind.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Being clear about what you want
Sabotaging a relationship because you are insecure
Looks are not everything
Core values are the most important thing in relationships
Masculine & Feminine Energy [2:03]
This episode of Love is Blind, kicks off with Mallory and Sal getting 48-hours alone to find out if their relationship has what it takes to survive an engagement. Mallory seems playful, feminine, and coy when interacting with Sal. But, when she speaks with Jarrette later in the show she drops into her masculine and sounds like a dude.
Chris says Mallory is walking around like a red flag by describing how different and deserving she is. He adds that it is probably a protective measure. Chris also notes that the outcome of the show is getting engaged, so Mallory's hitting on Jarrette can be construed as emotional cheating.
Does Mallory want to be everybody's bro or does she want to be the love interest?
Marni says that when we are left to our own devices, without accountability or self-awareness, many women sabotage relationships with great guys. It feels weird because a person is being nice to us and we don’t know what to do with it. Women unusually revert back to their familiar habits and go for the same old type of guy.
Looks Aren’t Everything: The Nerd Gets Insecure & Judgy [9:03]
In the pod portion of the show, hair and makeup must have been revved up because everyone looked like a jacked-up version of themselves. But in the most recent show, Deepti looked like a girl you would see at Walmart. There is nothing wrong with her naturalness which is why Shake wins the jerk of the year award.
Chris thinks Shake is desperate to leave his nerdy, chubby kid back in the past and wants to be super cool now that he has lost weight. He is insecure and feels not worthy so he judges others in the harsh light that others used to judge him.
Focusing on looks gets in the way of true love and intimacy because if you don't have shared values you will not have real, long-term chemistry with the person.
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Marni welcomes the hosts of the mental health podcast, A Little Help for Our Friends, Jaqueline Trumbull, and Kibby McMahon. Jaqueline is a member of Bachelor Nation, a Ph. D. student at Duke, who studies how interpersonal functioning is impacted by personality, and shame, and contempt. Kibby is a Clinical Psychologist and a Yogi whose passion is in helping people connect more deeply with themselves and others.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Why we do what we do
Changing our narrative
Managing emotions
The importance of trying something new in dating
Applying a growth mindset to life
How Jaqueline & Kibby Came Together [5:01]
Jaqueline and Kibby met at Duke University. They discovered they had stimulating conversations together. Jaqueline had been on the Bachelor which created a bit of a social media following. The duo decided to create a podcast to use their power for good. The podcast, A Little Help for Our Friends, focused on the mental health sphere of people who were suffering collateral damage from mental health issues and personality disorders.
Why We Do What We Do [8:32]
The love we receive as a child becomes our narrative for what love should look like. It can create definitive schemas, which are the way we perceive ourselves in the world. It may be that we develop a schema that we don’t deserve love or that we are not important in a relationship. As we grow older and get into relationships, we attract people who make us feel like love made us feel when we were smaller. We stay in the pattern until we change it and we play out stories that don’t feel resolved.
The love you received as a child becomes your narrative for what love looks like in your life going forward.
Our identities are flexible and can change over time. We have a choice in the identity we want to take on. Some people are afraid of what change will look like for them. We can change without destabilizing ourselves.
Becoming Emotionally Bonded & Regulating Emotions [19:15]
Marni asks the co-hosts of A Little Help for Our Friends what contributes to our emotional bonding. At certain times in our lives, we may emotionally bond with people who fill certain needs even though they may not be suitable for long-term commitments. It’s important to ask ourselves what the relationship is serving. If it fills an unmet need from childhood it may not last.
Happiness and living a meaningful life are living in accordance with our values. But, to know our values we have to dig deep into what we want for ourselves. Emotions make us do things that may not be aligned with our values. Negative emotions aren't bad, they just direct us to do certain things.
Inaction is a choice.
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Marni and Chris recap the third episode of Season Two of Love is Blind. The group finally leave the pods and head to Cancun to see if they are compatible face-to-face. Questions abound over the producers choice to make certain people disappear if the relationships they formed were not saucy or controversial enough.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Being a second choice isn’t necessarily a bad thing
Unless in a committed relationship it is OK to date other people
Wanting someone to change for you
The issues that are not worth breaking up over
Getting Together After He Tries Out the Other Girl [2:46]
In the episode, Jarret chooses between Mallory over Iyanna. Mallory flat out tells Jarret that she is not interested. She does it honestly and succinctly, which is how it should be. There should be no ghosting or ignoring text when telling a guy you are not interested.
Can a relationship work out if you know you were not the other person’s first choice?
Chris says we should all be dating other people before a commitment is made. That is how we get a clear understanding of what we like and what we don’t like. If we let our ego get in the way and take an initial rejection personally, we may miss out on a great opportunity.
When a guy says he likes someone else then shows up in your inbox a month or so later to reconnect, give him a second chance.
Looks Aren’t Everything [14:16]
Shaina tells Shayne she really likes him but Shayne says he likes Natalie. So, Shaina starts hanging with Kyle, who is a vegetarian. Shaina tells him if he wants to be with her he should eat meat. As soon as he eats meat, she leaves saying she is still attracted to Shayne.
When Natalie meets Shayne she quips that she thought he would be goofy. She obviously finds him physically appealing but something is a little off with their connection. Marni says she sees this all the time with her clients. They often want a guy to be who they want him to be so badly, that they continue to date him even if something is off.
Is an Issue Worth Breaking Up Over? [26:45]
In the episode another important point surrounding non-negotiables is brought up when Danielle is not happy that Nick uses organic toothpaste and homemade body wash. Should a personal choice be a deal breaker, or is it something that couples get used to?
Marni says people should spend more time ruling each other in, instead of ruling them out. Be curious about the other person and remember you have habits that someone else might find annoying. Would you want them not to date you because of them?
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Marni welcomes inspirational speaker, author, and esteemed member of the transformational leadership council, Kute Blackson, into the studio to discuss his latest book, The Magic of Surrender. Kute shares the transformational opportunity that appeared when his mother was diagnosed with a fatal illness and how his book sprung from his soul and onto the page.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Myths and misconceptions about surrender
Moving into alignment with the universe
Start telling yourself the truth about what you want
Overcome past conditioning about what you need from life
In our culture today there is a common misconception about what surrender truly means. It often means giving up and had negative connotations. A myth is that when you surrender you get less but Kuke says it's the opposite. Surrender is the most powerful thing you can do. Surrender is the key to manifesting your wildest dreams.
To surrender is when we stop trying to force and manipulate life to fit into our limited idea of how we think life should be. Surrendering opens ourselves to the life that seeks to organically happen from our soul.
Release and let go of what is no longer authentic or aligned with you.
The Process of Surrendering [13:27]
Human beings lie to themselves to keep themselves safe. We stay in relationships we know are not right. We stay in jobs, friendships, and circumstances that we know compromise our integrity but they stay due to security.
A simple and practical place to begin surrendering is by telling the truth to ourselves about who we are, what we feel, and what we want. Kute says if we just start with the truth we will set ourselves free. Issues in our lives will start to dissolve as we live in our truth.
Ask yourself what you want more than anything else, what you are pretending you don’t know, and what is lying to yourself costing you.
Myths and Misconceptions about Surrender [23:11]
To overcome past programming and conditioning and to live in action without attachment, we need to ask ourselves what the universe, the divine, or our souls wish to express through us. And, when we align ourselves with the answer, our truth, then we begin moving into action without attachments and in flow.
Our motivation is aligned with our soul. That is what moves us forward. And, when we take action that is aligned with our soul we feel a level of peace. The universe gives us proof that we can trust life.
Work in alignment with your truth and listen to life’s feedback.
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Marni and Chris discuss another episode of Love is Blind. This time it is The Love Triangle. The 30-something contestants are still in their pods, slowly working their way up to meeting IRL. A couple of couples have been born out of the show already, but will they last? When the contestants finally meet what indiscretions will come to light, and how will they be handled?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Do couples need to agree on everything?
Does physical attraction make or break a relationship?
How to integrate different backgrounds and cultures
Actions speak louder than words
Do We Need to Agree on the Big Topics to Be Together? [2:26]
When we gloss over things we don’t see eye-to-eye on, like religion, does it come back to haunt our relationships? When we are super attracted to another person, we can let our non-negotiables and deal breakers slide because we believe that love trumps everything else.
In this episode of Love is Blind Kyle and Shaina are discussing their differences around faith and religion. Kyle says he is a science guy who would likely mock Shaina if she chose to pray before dinner. She tells him she goes to church and has a strong faith. Marni points out that a common mistake is collecting data about a person and then convincing ourselves that differences can be worked through later.
Shaina says yes to becoming engaged to Kyle even after she discovers he doesn’t share her faith.
If you find yourself in this situation, don’t ignore the differences and discuss them in detail. Expectations about our non-negotiables should be concrete early in relationships. Ask questions until the subject is clear.
Deeper than Face Value [21:09]
During this episode, Shake is talking with Deepti. Shake admits to being overly focused on appearance but he has an epiphany after making a deep connection with Deepti that he now feels it is more about the connection and that they have shared interests and values. When they meet he discovers that she is hot and instantly grabs her and says he wants to make her pregnant. Marni can’t decide if she thinks this is weird or cute?
If you are dating someone from a different culture you need to decide upfront, as a couple, which parts of the culture you are going to embrace and which ones you are not going to embrace.
Like a Silent Movie [25:32]
Marni reminds us that like a silent movie, actions are more important than words. On the show, Shane makes a perfect example of someone who says one thing and then does something else. He asks Natalie to be his girlfriend but then flirts with Shaina. When Shaina (a hot mess in her own right) calls him out on it, Shane changes the subject and asks a mundane question such as ‘so, what are you wearing babe?’.
Chris asks what is so special about Shane that he has two girls falling all over him. No one can figure it out. Marni says she thinks he has a way of making the girls feel good about themselves but time will tell.
Do not fall into a love triangle.
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Marni welcomes Author, Speaker, Entrepreneur, and Business Advisor, Fred Joyal to the Life Check Yourself mobile studio. Fred’s book, Superbold: From Under Confident to Charismatic in 90 Days is a step-by-step guide for having a successful and happy life. You will be inspired to embrace life after listening!
Key takeaways from this episode:
Boldness can be learned
Communication mistakes
Taking risks and action
How to be bold by default
What Does it Mean to Be Superbold? [2:10]
Confidence is how you feel. Boldness is what you do. A common misconception is that boldness is something we are born with. But, boldness can be learned much faster than most people think. Fred admits that he is an introvert and having fun and taking risks was not part of his life before figuring it all out. He says it can be part of everyone's life with very little effort.
Boldness is confidence in action.
Superbold is the ability to bring boldness and confidence to action when it matters most. If you are confident around co-workers, family, and friends but when it is crucial you exert boldness in a social situation you have a hard time speaking up or taking action.
The Power Tools of Boldness [6:59]
Actively listening to someone with no response planned makes a huge difference when making someone feel comfortable with you. Smiling and making eye contact will keep most people engaged with you, Fred says. People notice if there is an ulterior motive in a conversation and they are instantly repelled by it.
A Superbold power tool is going into a situation and being present for the experience itself without thinking about the outcome you want.
It's easy to project things on other people. It's better to find out who the person actually is without hoping they are the person of our dreams. Take your time and get to know someone. Fred says to be sure to say your exit line while you still have eye contact, not as you are turning and walking away. Turning too fast can transmit disinterest.
A conversation during a date doesn’t have to be a ping pong match.
Building the Boldness Muscle: The PRIDE Method [23:30]
Chasing your dreams should make you proud. In nursing homes, more seniors regret the stuff they didn’t try more than making bad decisions. That’s what is gnawing at them in their final days, actions they didn’t take.
The PRIDE Method:
Preparation — prepare what you are going to say
Relaxing — check in with your body and shed your anxiety
Insight — make the choice not to panic when something happens
Dosage — control the intensity of your experience
Everyday Action — do something bold every day
The great secret in life is — trying and failing feels almost as good as trying and succeeding.
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Superbold: From Under-Confident to Charismatic in 90 Days
Marni and Chris Gillis are back analyzing another reality dating show. This season’s Love is Blind is on the discussion block in this episode. The Love is Blind experiment attempts to discover if we are able to love somebody without meeting them face-to-face?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Discovering your core values
Tacky online dating questions
Beauty is subjective
Don’t get emotionally invested too soon in the dating process
Date more than one person until you have ‘the’ conversation
Discovering Dealbreakers & Non-Negotiables [2:42]
Chris sets up the premise for Love is Blind. The fascinating element of the show is that people are in pods and only have the opportunity to listen to each other. They ask questions to build an avatar about who the other people are. Questions get deep swiftly, avoiding normal surface-level interactions.
Contestants seem to narrow down their five core values quickly proving that initial physical attraction isn't necessary. They end up realizing what they thought was important isn't and unexpected things become insanely attractive. Beauty is subjective.
The contestants on Love is Blind get clear about what they are looking for in a partner.
Tacky Online Dating Questions [7:29]
One girl, Tricia, seems hell-bent on letting everyone know how hot she is and she touts a large Instagram following. It is a great example of someone who looks good on paper but seems too concerned about her data. When she talks about it, it is unattractive and masculine. Marni says, like many women that go through her program, she probably has no idea how it comes across when dating.
Then there is Shane, who keeps asking Shaina what she is wearing. It is gross and unattractive. Shane oversexualizes most things when talking with someone. Sexuality doesn't play well in this environment.
Expectations in Early Dating [23:19]
By the end of the first episode, Shayne, Natalie, and Shaina are in a Love is Blind triangle. Marni extracts real-life dating lessons from the trifecta.
An important point to remember is that when we are at the beginning stages of dating no one owes anyone anything. A common mistake women make is getting overly optimistic instead of cautiously optimistic at the beginning of the dating process. If you like someone it isn’t pleasant to think that they might be dating someone else. People don't want to have ‘the’ conversation yet end up being blindsided when the other person breaks things off to be with another person.
Be honest about where you are in dating and have a conversation if you are unsure where the relationship stands.
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Marni welcomes the foremost expert in unhealthy love addiction, Sherry Gaba to the podcast. Sherry is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach, and author who helps women cope with codependency, love addiction, toxic relationships, and all the mental health issues that go with it. Sherry has been featured on VH1 Celebrity Rehab, CNN, Inside Edition, and in Cosmopolitan and the LA Times. Her podcast, The Love Fix focuses on key learnings from her book, Love Smacked.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Signs of love addiction and obsessive love
Three types of trauma bonding in relationships
Why we attract toxic relationships
How to break free from the cycle of love addiction
Being vulnerable to love bombers and predators
Sherry shares the common signs and symptoms of love addiction. It is a lifestyle process addiction that has the same mood-altering effects as a physical addiction with withdrawal symptoms. If there is a break up it can feel as difficult as overcoming an addiction to drugs.
Many love addicts suffer from severe abandonment issues. They will turn themselves into a pretzel to do the bidding of the people they believe they love because they can't stand to be alone.
How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship? Sherry says the telltale signs are: If you are walking on eggshells, craving their attention and validation, giving up who you are to please them, or second-guessing yourself because of something they tell you. You need to resolve some childhood trauma.
Love-Bombing and Devaluing [8:14]
Sherry describes love bombing as over-the-top courting and lavish gift-giving. Someone who is love bombing you will say your relationship is fated and that you are soul mates. They want to suck you in right away.
The biggest hallmark of love bombers shows up when the other person tries to set a boundary and they won't have it. Someone who legitimately cares will respect your boundaries.
Codependent love addicts are prone to accepting a tsunami of affection because they need validation, and they want to be loved and needed. Sherry says we seek out people that fit into our unresolved childhood traumas.
Trauma Bonding & How to Have Healthy Relationships [22:18]
People get into toxic relationships for a myriad of reasons but a common theme is they feel bonded by trauma. The push and pull of the cycle of love-bombing can feel like trying to get a parent’s attention as a child. Sherry says there is no shame in feeling the way we do. The important thing is that we realize what is happening, get out of the relationship, and find a therapist to help us through our traumas.
To meet someone with a mature attachment style we need to be working toward our mature attraction style.
When we find ourselves in a relationship and a guy suddenly bows out, or doesn’t stay for the long term it could be because he realizes he can’t meet our unhealthy needs.
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Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to find Everlasting Love
Wake Up Recovery for Toxic Relationships, Codependency and Love Addiction
Marni welcomes the woman CNBC calls the Millennial Therapist, Tess Brigham to the Life Check Yourself studio. Tess is an expert Psychotherapist, Life Coach, and Public Speaker. For over 10-years, Tess has specialized in helping 20-somethings discover their unique life path so they can make an impact.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Reduce anxiety and overwhelm for young adults
How Millennials and Gen Zers can carve their path to happiness
What parents shouldn’t tell their young adult children
Dating via social media and apps
How Recent Events Have Changed Young People [2:38]
Millennials find themselves in a different space. Many graduated college during the 2008-2009 recession and found themselves unable to afford a house when home prices righted themselves. They are in a tough predicament and some say they have given up trying to get ahead financially.
Gen Zers found themselves coming of age during the pandemic and missing some important milestones in life because the entire world closed down.
Tess believes that it is harder to be a young person today. With the hardest part being the overwhelm they feel. Many feel they must figure everything out and get it right, right now. They believe there is no time to waste when making life decisions. Much of this right here-right now thinking comes from the fast pace of technology, Tess says.
What can they do to get unstuck? — Tess asserts it starts with stopping for a second and taking a look at their life in the current moment. When they assess where they are and ask themselves what is working for them and what is not, it can help them to stop what they are doing and change directions.
Pick an area of life that is not working for you and explore what happens when you try something different. Chat with new people, and push the edges of your comfort zone.
Parents of Young Adults Can Reduce the Anxiety [13:20]
Parents can help their young adult children by letting them know it is okay to let go of the myths of time frames of what they assume they should be doing. Reassure them it is their life to do with what they will. And, there is no better time to start doing things that make them happy.
Young adults can relieve anxiety and overwhelm by:
Taking a break from social media.
Doing a life assessment.
Looking at life as an exploration.
Consider what they need more of to be happy.
Parents avoid asking your adult kids these questions:
Why are you still single?
Can you really afford xxx?
Many parents get stuck in the headspace that they are responsible for solving their kids' problems. Teach your children to solve their own problems, let them work out the things they are considering, and don't pressure them to make concrete decisions right now.
If you want to have a different relationship with your child, stop offering your two cents until they ask for it. Cultivate the relationship that makes them want to call you and talk about their lives.
Do Gen Zers’ Hook Up First & Date Later? [24:48]
Social media and dating apps are changing the dating game for young adults. No one uses the phone anymore. Many rely solely on texting to get to know another person, even when many are longing for deep, long-lasting relationships.
Tess says people are not meeting in real life as much as they should be. They use apps so much for relationships, they don't look up to consider people in the real world. Tess thinks millennials and Gen Zers’ are much more separated. Even though all of the interaction prepares them for relationships in life.
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