Dating Den Episode 109 — With Sylvie Khoucasian - How to Start Speaking Your Truth and Set Boundaries Even if You’re Afraid AF

The beauty of boundaries is that when we do them well it creates much more space for love and connection.

 

In this episode, Marni welcomes the queen of boundary setting, Sylvie Khoucasian into the Den.  In all aspects of our lives, whether we dating, raising our kids, communicating with friends, we all need to set boundaries. Sylvie is a master of helping struggling couples create a real connection. She has a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. She grew up in the US as an immigrant from the Middle East. She was fascinated by the critical role family cultures play in intimate relationships. She also has experience in theatrical art which allows her to use art and drama therapy to help clients reclaim lost or repressed parts of themselves.

 

What is a Boundary & How to Know When A Boundary Has Been Violated [2:52]

 

“A boundary is a limit. By the limits you set, you protect the integrity of your day, your energy and spirit, the health of your relationships and the pursuit of your heart. Each day is shaped by your choices and when you violate your own boundaries or let another person violate them the stuffing spills out of you.” — Anne Katherine

 

Sylvie describes a boundary as a membrane we surround ourselves with. We feel safe around people who respect our emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, intellectual boundaries or spiritual boundaries. When we are being violated we are being dismissed, invalidated, not respected. Its when someone is trying to push us beyond what we are capable of in a moment. 

 

We live in a time when we have exposure to so many things even dating choices. If we don't create healthy boundaries around ourselves we can get lost in what the culture around us wants to feed us.

 

We can feel mean when we are first setting boundaries with a new person in our lives. But the more we communicate our boundaries we start to soften. Healthy boundaries prevent codependency. They prevent our merging with someone in an unhealthy way. Healthy boundaries are discerning.

 

Sylvie recommends dating no more than once a week at the beginning of dating to give yourself enough time to process and check in with your boundaries.

 

Expanding our Definition of Boundaries [10:06]

 

While we are dating we want to learn what a man’s priorities and concerns are.

 

Men have 3 core vulnerabilities they show:

 

1. 1. Fear of being a predator.
2. 2. Fear of being incompetent.
3. 3. Fear of rejection.
4. The golden nugget is to have clarity around your boundaries without building a wall.  People who honor their own boundaries tend to be better at staying true to their own needs. People who struggle with this haven't given themselves permission to have boundaries.
5. Do you feel worthy enough to set personal boundaries?
6. Setting Boundaries for the First Time [16:00]
7. Sylvie says it’s often women who feel guilty about setting boundaries. It can make women feel uncomfortable and counterintuitive to their nature. But it’s important we be around people who support our boundary.
8. Tool for singles — Pick a friend you feel safe with and create a mutual agreement where you start practicing your boundaries with them. It helps you to recognize when your boundaries are not being met in other relationships.
9. The art of boundary is a skill. It's like learning a new recipe, with practice we get better at it. Just taking the time to know when we feel our boundaries are being violated lets us bring intellect into the situation instead of counting on our emotions alone.

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