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The Dating Den

Each week on the podcast, I’ll be interviewing the world’s top experts in attraction, dating, communication, sex, and relationships, as well as coaching real women LIVE, through their real life dating challenges… that are probably a lot like yours!
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May 20, 2018

Breaking up is a big deal. Are you doing it for the right reasons?

 

Have you had just about enough of his inability to talk about your relationship goals? 

 

During this coaching session, Marni works Erin through her indecisiveness about breaking up her one-and-a-half year relationship with a nice guy. Because, it's normal to feel confident and decisive and then face fear and uncertainty.

 

We all have to make decisions, acknowledge the pain of change and to move on from it in the healthiest way to learn and grow from it.

 

 

The Relationship Backstory [2:42]

 

The guy Erin dated for approximately one-and-a-half years was unable and unwilling to share. He didn’t understand why she wanted changes in the relationship when he wanted things to stay the same. She had to make a decision to stay in the relationship and play small or get out.

 

Honest and open dialogue was the value piece that was missing from their relationship. It was a deal breaker and a core value for her. Her ex had a pattern of avoidance. He would get defensive and to mask the pain he would put it back on her. Bottom line, he is emotionally unavailable.

 

Do you feel you have to mute who you are to avoid conflicts in your relationship?

 

How to Work Through Communication Issues [12:55]

 

Marni recognized that during the couples conversations they would skip understanding each other’s feelings and would head straight from strategy. Erin would go into coaching, teaching, and fixing but her feelings never became part of the conversation. It always became geared toward her ex.

 

Erin realizes she would have an expectation that they would spend time together but would never gain agreement from her ex that they had a concrete plan. She would feel like she wasn’t important to him.

 

Erin wanted to hear that she was important to him and that he wanted to spend time with her. In the future to connect to shared values or to have a common desire with a partner she should have a curiosity conversation to find out how he feels.

 

Her relationship was missing these three non-negotiables:

 

1. The common value of open communication and dialogue.

2. No one took responsibility. 

3. There were no common relationship goals.

 

Why He Isn’t the Guy for Erin [27:01]

 

Erin has a strong desire for growth and she needs a partner who can talk through conflict.

  • ● She wants someone with similar values and relationship goals.
  • ● Her desire for connection and intimacy could not be met with avoidance.
  • ● She values growth which is the very thing that is holding her back.
  • ● She needs to understand and feel her feelings.
  • It is possible to feel pain BUT it’s okay!

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