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The Dating Den

Each week on the podcast, I’ll be interviewing the world’s top experts in attraction, dating, communication, sex, and relationships, as well as coaching real women LIVE, through their real life dating challenges… that are probably a lot like yours!
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Dec 14, 2018

In this one-on-one coaching session, Nicole, 34, shares her latest relationship struggle. She has been dating a guy who doesn’t share her relationship values but there is some magnetic connection between the two of them. She asks Marni for guidance on how to move forward and get the type of relationship she deserves.  

 

The Impact of Rejection  [2:57]

 

Nicole shares the core relationship values the right guy would embody:

 

  1. Integrity
  2. Compassion
  3. Sense of Humor
  4. Honesty
  5. Empathy for Other

 

But, when Marni dissects Nicole’s current relationship the message is clear. The guy she is currently dating doesn’t share the same values. He has been sketchy with her, starting and stopping communication when he wants it, not being where he said he would be, and sometimes not even showing up for dates.

 

His behavior is triggering trust issues for Nicole. She formed these issues in her early childhood based on her relationship with her father. She is attracting emotionally unavailable men because it feels familiar!  

 

For some people love is being a martyr and for some people love needs to be earned.

 

When Trust and Honesty are Missing in a Relationship [17:12]

 

Even though Nicole didn’t experience trauma or excessive drama in her childhood, she still only got love from her father when he was around. A behavior pattern was created when she was young that she could only get love on a man’s terms and when he was available. Many of her other past relationships, including her marriage, reflect the same behavior.

 

She recognizes there is a lack of trust in the relationship but she’s not sure how to break her life-long relationship patterns.

 

How to Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns  [20:46]

 

Nicole considers maintaining a relationship with the guy but only as friends, no romance. But, he has already given her the disclaimer. He is getting all the boyfriend privileges without the boyfriend responsibilities. Nicole’s aha moment comes when she realizes he has already told her what the future would look like based on his actions.  She just hasn't been listening.

 

Marni recommends her that if she wants someone who has shared values and is committed to finding a true partner she needs to trust herself. And, she needs to make any guy she dates aware of her relationship goals. The guy needs to meet her expectations now, not just talk about how he might meet them in the future.  Nicole needs to tell him that he doesn't make her feel safe emotionally and make it clear to him his actions have consequences.

 

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