Marni and Chris discuss another episode of Love is Blind. This time it is The Love Triangle. The 30-something contestants are still in their pods, slowly working their way up to meeting IRL. A couple of couples have been born out of the show already, but will they last? When the contestants finally meet what indiscretions will come to light, and how will they be handled?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Do couples need to agree on everything?
Does physical attraction make or break a relationship?
How to integrate different backgrounds and cultures
Actions speak louder than words
Do We Need to Agree on the Big Topics to Be Together? [2:26]
When we gloss over things we don’t see eye-to-eye on, like religion, does it come back to haunt our relationships? When we are super attracted to another person, we can let our non-negotiables and deal breakers slide because we believe that love trumps everything else.
In this episode of Love is Blind Kyle and Shaina are discussing their differences around faith and religion. Kyle says he is a science guy who would likely mock Shaina if she chose to pray before dinner. She tells him she goes to church and has a strong faith. Marni points out that a common mistake is collecting data about a person and then convincing ourselves that differences can be worked through later.
Shaina says yes to becoming engaged to Kyle even after she discovers he doesn’t share her faith.
If you find yourself in this situation, don’t ignore the differences and discuss them in detail. Expectations about our non-negotiables should be concrete early in relationships. Ask questions until the subject is clear.
Deeper than Face Value [21:09]
During this episode, Shake is talking with Deepti. Shake admits to being overly focused on appearance but he has an epiphany after making a deep connection with Deepti that he now feels it is more about the connection and that they have shared interests and values. When they meet he discovers that she is hot and instantly grabs her and says he wants to make her pregnant. Marni can’t decide if she thinks this is weird or cute?
If you are dating someone from a different culture you need to decide upfront, as a couple, which parts of the culture you are going to embrace and which ones you are not going to embrace.
Like a Silent Movie [25:32]
Marni reminds us that like a silent movie, actions are more important than words. On the show, Shane makes a perfect example of someone who says one thing and then does something else. He asks Natalie to be his girlfriend but then flirts with Shaina. When Shaina (a hot mess in her own right) calls him out on it, Shane changes the subject and asks a mundane question such as ‘so, what are you wearing babe?’.
Chris asks what is so special about Shane that he has two girls falling all over him. No one can figure it out. Marni says she thinks he has a way of making the girls feel good about themselves but time will tell.
Do not fall into a love triangle.
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Marni welcomes Author, Speaker, Entrepreneur, and Business Advisor, Fred Joyal to the Life Check Yourself mobile studio. Fred’s book, Superbold: From Under Confident to Charismatic in 90 Days is a step-by-step guide for having a successful and happy life. You will be inspired to embrace life after listening!
Key takeaways from this episode:
Boldness can be learned
Communication mistakes
Taking risks and action
How to be bold by default
What Does it Mean to Be Superbold? [2:10]
Confidence is how you feel. Boldness is what you do. A common misconception is that boldness is something we are born with. But, boldness can be learned much faster than most people think. Fred admits that he is an introvert and having fun and taking risks was not part of his life before figuring it all out. He says it can be part of everyone's life with very little effort.
Boldness is confidence in action.
Superbold is the ability to bring boldness and confidence to action when it matters most. If you are confident around co-workers, family, and friends but when it is crucial you exert boldness in a social situation you have a hard time speaking up or taking action.
The Power Tools of Boldness [6:59]
Actively listening to someone with no response planned makes a huge difference when making someone feel comfortable with you. Smiling and making eye contact will keep most people engaged with you, Fred says. People notice if there is an ulterior motive in a conversation and they are instantly repelled by it.
A Superbold power tool is going into a situation and being present for the experience itself without thinking about the outcome you want.
It's easy to project things on other people. It's better to find out who the person actually is without hoping they are the person of our dreams. Take your time and get to know someone. Fred says to be sure to say your exit line while you still have eye contact, not as you are turning and walking away. Turning too fast can transmit disinterest.
A conversation during a date doesn’t have to be a ping pong match.
Building the Boldness Muscle: The PRIDE Method [23:30]
Chasing your dreams should make you proud. In nursing homes, more seniors regret the stuff they didn’t try more than making bad decisions. That’s what is gnawing at them in their final days, actions they didn’t take.
The PRIDE Method:
Preparation — prepare what you are going to say
Relaxing — check in with your body and shed your anxiety
Insight — make the choice not to panic when something happens
Dosage — control the intensity of your experience
Everyday Action — do something bold every day
The great secret in life is — trying and failing feels almost as good as trying and succeeding.
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Superbold: From Under-Confident to Charismatic in 90 Days
Marni and Chris Gillis are back analyzing another reality dating show. This season’s Love is Blind is on the discussion block in this episode. The Love is Blind experiment attempts to discover if we are able to love somebody without meeting them face-to-face?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Discovering your core values
Tacky online dating questions
Beauty is subjective
Don’t get emotionally invested too soon in the dating process
Date more than one person until you have ‘the’ conversation
Discovering Dealbreakers & Non-Negotiables [2:42]
Chris sets up the premise for Love is Blind. The fascinating element of the show is that people are in pods and only have the opportunity to listen to each other. They ask questions to build an avatar about who the other people are. Questions get deep swiftly, avoiding normal surface-level interactions.
Contestants seem to narrow down their five core values quickly proving that initial physical attraction isn't necessary. They end up realizing what they thought was important isn't and unexpected things become insanely attractive. Beauty is subjective.
The contestants on Love is Blind get clear about what they are looking for in a partner.
Tacky Online Dating Questions [7:29]
One girl, Tricia, seems hell-bent on letting everyone know how hot she is and she touts a large Instagram following. It is a great example of someone who looks good on paper but seems too concerned about her data. When she talks about it, it is unattractive and masculine. Marni says, like many women that go through her program, she probably has no idea how it comes across when dating.
Then there is Shane, who keeps asking Shaina what she is wearing. It is gross and unattractive. Shane oversexualizes most things when talking with someone. Sexuality doesn't play well in this environment.
Expectations in Early Dating [23:19]
By the end of the first episode, Shayne, Natalie, and Shaina are in a Love is Blind triangle. Marni extracts real-life dating lessons from the trifecta.
An important point to remember is that when we are at the beginning stages of dating no one owes anyone anything. A common mistake women make is getting overly optimistic instead of cautiously optimistic at the beginning of the dating process. If you like someone it isn’t pleasant to think that they might be dating someone else. People don't want to have ‘the’ conversation yet end up being blindsided when the other person breaks things off to be with another person.
Be honest about where you are in dating and have a conversation if you are unsure where the relationship stands.
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Marni welcomes the foremost expert in unhealthy love addiction, Sherry Gaba to the podcast. Sherry is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach, and author who helps women cope with codependency, love addiction, toxic relationships, and all the mental health issues that go with it. Sherry has been featured on VH1 Celebrity Rehab, CNN, Inside Edition, and in Cosmopolitan and the LA Times. Her podcast, The Love Fix focuses on key learnings from her book, Love Smacked.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Signs of love addiction and obsessive love
Three types of trauma bonding in relationships
Why we attract toxic relationships
How to break free from the cycle of love addiction
Being vulnerable to love bombers and predators
Sherry shares the common signs and symptoms of love addiction. It is a lifestyle process addiction that has the same mood-altering effects as a physical addiction with withdrawal symptoms. If there is a break up it can feel as difficult as overcoming an addiction to drugs.
Many love addicts suffer from severe abandonment issues. They will turn themselves into a pretzel to do the bidding of the people they believe they love because they can't stand to be alone.
How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship? Sherry says the telltale signs are: If you are walking on eggshells, craving their attention and validation, giving up who you are to please them, or second-guessing yourself because of something they tell you. You need to resolve some childhood trauma.
Love-Bombing and Devaluing [8:14]
Sherry describes love bombing as over-the-top courting and lavish gift-giving. Someone who is love bombing you will say your relationship is fated and that you are soul mates. They want to suck you in right away.
The biggest hallmark of love bombers shows up when the other person tries to set a boundary and they won't have it. Someone who legitimately cares will respect your boundaries.
Codependent love addicts are prone to accepting a tsunami of affection because they need validation, and they want to be loved and needed. Sherry says we seek out people that fit into our unresolved childhood traumas.
Trauma Bonding & How to Have Healthy Relationships [22:18]
People get into toxic relationships for a myriad of reasons but a common theme is they feel bonded by trauma. The push and pull of the cycle of love-bombing can feel like trying to get a parent’s attention as a child. Sherry says there is no shame in feeling the way we do. The important thing is that we realize what is happening, get out of the relationship, and find a therapist to help us through our traumas.
To meet someone with a mature attachment style we need to be working toward our mature attraction style.
When we find ourselves in a relationship and a guy suddenly bows out, or doesn’t stay for the long term it could be because he realizes he can’t meet our unhealthy needs.
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Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to find Everlasting Love
Wake Up Recovery for Toxic Relationships, Codependency and Love Addiction
Marni welcomes the woman CNBC calls the Millennial Therapist, Tess Brigham to the Life Check Yourself studio. Tess is an expert Psychotherapist, Life Coach, and Public Speaker. For over 10-years, Tess has specialized in helping 20-somethings discover their unique life path so they can make an impact.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Reduce anxiety and overwhelm for young adults
How Millennials and Gen Zers can carve their path to happiness
What parents shouldn’t tell their young adult children
Dating via social media and apps
How Recent Events Have Changed Young People [2:38]
Millennials find themselves in a different space. Many graduated college during the 2008-2009 recession and found themselves unable to afford a house when home prices righted themselves. They are in a tough predicament and some say they have given up trying to get ahead financially.
Gen Zers found themselves coming of age during the pandemic and missing some important milestones in life because the entire world closed down.
Tess believes that it is harder to be a young person today. With the hardest part being the overwhelm they feel. Many feel they must figure everything out and get it right, right now. They believe there is no time to waste when making life decisions. Much of this right here-right now thinking comes from the fast pace of technology, Tess says.
What can they do to get unstuck? — Tess asserts it starts with stopping for a second and taking a look at their life in the current moment. When they assess where they are and ask themselves what is working for them and what is not, it can help them to stop what they are doing and change directions.
Pick an area of life that is not working for you and explore what happens when you try something different. Chat with new people, and push the edges of your comfort zone.
Parents of Young Adults Can Reduce the Anxiety [13:20]
Parents can help their young adult children by letting them know it is okay to let go of the myths of time frames of what they assume they should be doing. Reassure them it is their life to do with what they will. And, there is no better time to start doing things that make them happy.
Young adults can relieve anxiety and overwhelm by:
Taking a break from social media.
Doing a life assessment.
Looking at life as an exploration.
Consider what they need more of to be happy.
Parents avoid asking your adult kids these questions:
Why are you still single?
Can you really afford xxx?
Many parents get stuck in the headspace that they are responsible for solving their kids' problems. Teach your children to solve their own problems, let them work out the things they are considering, and don't pressure them to make concrete decisions right now.
If you want to have a different relationship with your child, stop offering your two cents until they ask for it. Cultivate the relationship that makes them want to call you and talk about their lives.
Do Gen Zers’ Hook Up First & Date Later? [24:48]
Social media and dating apps are changing the dating game for young adults. No one uses the phone anymore. Many rely solely on texting to get to know another person, even when many are longing for deep, long-lasting relationships.
Tess says people are not meeting in real life as much as they should be. They use apps so much for relationships, they don't look up to consider people in the real world. Tess thinks millennials and Gen Zers’ are much more separated. Even though all of the interaction prepares them for relationships in life.
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Marni welcomes Sally Maxwell into the studio. Sally is the VP of HG Life division, a senior coach, and has a B.A. in theater and in music. She lives her life on her own terms and is passionate about working with people to transform their lives using the Handel method. During this episode, Sally breaks down the HG principles in a direct and loving way and offers practical tips and actions to get you off autopilot.
Key takeaways from this episode:
How to live your dreams
Connecting to joy
Getting measurable results
Design a tagline for your life
The Handel method is an innovative, straightforward coaching method that changes the lives of private and corporate clients for over 20-years. It is taught at MIT, Stanford, and 50 other educational programs. What makes it different is that it is specific and measurable. It is one of the only methods that incorporates spirituality with the take the action and do the thing philosophy. Combining the elements creates a cohesive transformational experience. It addresses all the aspects of humanity, Sally says.
The first thing clients do is write their dreams in twelve areas of life from the perspective of their higher self. Sally says that as we age we can forget how to dream because we only believe that whatever is possible is right in front of us. Clients are encouraged to tune out their negative inner dialogue and tell the truth about what they want.
Marni asks why it is so easy for people to get tunnel vision or be afraid to dream. Sally says we have different voices such as the Brat, (lower-self), the Chicken, the Weather Reporter.
Getting stuck in our lower selves is what gets in our way as human beings.
How to Connect to Joy [24:24]
The fastest way to get connected to joy is to think about the one thing we need to deal with that we put off then, create a specific and measurable promise about when we are going to do it. The driver is to give ourselves a self-imposed consequence if we don't do it or blow it off.
We are not connected to the long-term consequence of blowing off our dreams and that keeps us stuck.
Design a Tagline for Your Dreams [31:14]
Marni asks Sally what people can do when they are in the moment of breaking a promise to themselves. Sally says there are two immediate actions a person could take. They could break the promise to themselves and pay the consequence or design a tagline. A tagline is a marquee header for how a person relates to something. Give their dream a title.
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Marni, Man-alist Chris Gillis, and Dr. Emily recap the final episode of Season 26 of The Bachelor. Man-child Clayton ends up with Susie, even though she ultimately turned him down after finding out about his extracurricular activities. Gabby shows her emotional maturity as Rachel loses her eyelashes but both ladies will be Bachelorettes so everyone got what they wanted, or did they?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Trust yourself when dating
Being authentic
Clayton’s Yuck Factor is Exacerbated by His Lack of Empathy [1:26]
Chris points out that Clayton utilized the word salad bucket more than once during this episode. He blankly looks at all the ladies and says he has no regrets blah, blah, blah, and we all got our happy ending. Marni and Dr. Emily agree that it was a big cop-out and easier for him than actually having some empathy for the women he falsely proclaimed his love to.
When the girls shared their feelings and got vulnerable Clayton acted like he was bored to death. He quipped that he needed to follow his heart. He was non-specific and didn't seem to care what the ladies felt. He just wanted to get it over with.
Gabby's reaction to Clayton was more empowered because she was not attracted. She flat-out told Clayton that he sounded ridiculous. And, kudos to her because she did it without acting out or getting upset. Dr. Emily points out that Gabby didn't make the rejection about herself and she didn't take it personally, which shows emotional maturity.
The difference between mature love and immature love is that when someone is operating from their unmet needs it is akin to a child trying to date and create relationships with an adult body.
Immature Versus Mature Relationships [9:16]
Dr. Emily was so disgusted by Clayton’s lack of empathy she began googling the red flags of sociopaths. To tell all the ladies he slept with the other women and then to think that everything would be fine was outrageous. Marni believes Clayton to be no better than a 15-year-old boy in the emotional sense. He is a wannabe player.
Clayton seems to think that if he feels something he is allowed to act on it as he doesn’t have ill intent. It is overly simplistic. He didn't consider anyone else's feelings. Mature love takes everyone’s feelings into account.
Dr. Emily thinks he is just peeling back the first layer of what love is. Chris doesn't think Clayton is out there to hurt anybody but Marni says he is a man-child. She adds that she thinks he is not dumb, he is just super-selfish.
Love is about caring for another person and accepting responsibility.
Do We Love the Ones We Fight for More? [32:37]
Dr. Emily points out that easy relationships may seem boring to our brains. When the beginning of a relationship is dramatic or exciting it can be interpreted as chemistry by our brains. She says it is important to remember that if someone says they don’t want to be with us we have to respect it.
If someone doesn't want to be with you, let them go. Practice dignity with dating.
When someone breaks up with another, there can be one clarifying conversation. one conversation to let the other person explain how they feel or why they are not interested but no more. Don’t let things draw out because no good can come of it.
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Marni welcomes Master Certified Life Coach, Grief Expert, Widow, Mom, and Host of the Widowed Mom podcast, Krista St-Germain. Krista’s husband was killed by a drunk driver. When she finally emerged after therapy, she began working with clients to help them gain the tools to move forward and create a future they were excited about.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Forgiveness as a vehicle of healing
Processing grief
Self-care during grieving
Dating after a loss
Embracing feelings
Krista describes how she went from tragedy to living into her purpose. She says the first step was understanding that it was real. Her life changed in an instant. But, even through the trauma she says, a small part of her knew that it was possible to take the crappy cards she was dealt and deal herself some meaning in life.
She knew she had to step into forgiveness but it wasn’t easy. It took her a while to realize that the person who killed her husband was not in a good place or he wouldn’t have been on alcohol and drugs in the first place. She needed to forgive him before she could move forward.
There is a difference between forgiving someone so you can let go of the emotional weight and forgiving the person to make them feel better.
Processing Grief [9:05]
Marni asks Krista how she took care of herself during the grief and loss. Krista says, as children, we don't learn how to process our emotions. It's not taught in school and our parents don't know how to prepare us for this. A normal response is to get away or hide from grief but we can only use the avoidance behaviors for so long before we have to put the brakes on and embrace our feelings. Allowing ourselves to feel our feelings is a big part of self-care.
Krista says she did a lot of things to distract herself after her husband died. She would eat a lot and go shopping to fill her time. She had to learn to feel her feelings and not resist them. You don't get to make the feelings go away. They are always there and they wait for you to be ready to deal with them.
Until you learn to process your feelings you waste energy trying to get away or hide from them.
One of the biggest feelings Krista spends time coaching her people through is when they want to be happy again. But when they start to feel happy again they judge themselves for it.
When to Start Dating After a Loss of a Spouse [16:41]
Some people start dating after a loss because they are trying to fill a void. For Krista, dating felt like a hassle. She didn't want to do it. She wanted to be whole, complete, amazing, and wonderful before she felt she could give to another person instead of grasping to get what she needed.
Research shows we are not happier partnered than not partnered.
Coming from a place of wholeness, no matter your situation, is the best approach to partnership. Feeling our feelings makes us fully alive. When we don't have the skills or the desire to be with all of our feelings, what often happens is we get stuck in a stagnant zone, we don't feel the highs or the lows. It keeps us from taking risks or leaning into new possibilities. We need to take risks to feel alive and to feel love.
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Marni, Chris, and Dr. Emily discuss the four-hour, two-part drama that was this past week’s The Bachelor. Clayton wants all the cake and Susie says he can’t have his cake and eat it too. Finding common ground about whether Clayton was being a jerk or was justified in his actions is a slippery slope as you will hear in this in-depth Bachelor breakdown.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Defining gaslighting
Setting clear expectations and boundaries
Dating with dignity
Taking responsibility for your actions
First, Hey Internet — Gaslighting is not what you think it is! Dr. Emily defines gaslighting as intentionally lying to make someone feel like they are crazy. Clayton was not gaslighting when he reacted to Susie’s confrontation, he may have been withholding information but that is not gaslighting.
Backstory if you missed the episode, Clayton tells two women he loves them. He also had physical relations with Rachel and Gabby. Susie confronts him saying that if he is having sex with other people then she’s out. She obviously doesn’t think he shares her values around sex and love. In her mind, why would Clayton have sex with other women if he is in love with her.
Chris says Susie was totally justified in what she said. She was direct and that is the communication style men understand. Marni disagrees saying that if you are dating someone IRL you would never know if they were sleeping with other people unless you ask.
Dr. Emily says when Clayton said ‘I love you’ he made everything more complicated. The women assume those three words mean commitment which is perfectly OK. But, until you have the conversation, you should not assume anything.
Marni, Dr. Emily & Chris do not come to a consensus about how much of a red flag Clayton's actions were. He was rude and hurtful on purpose and that means somewhere down deep his little who felt rejected.
If you are dating someone and have values around sex it is important to communicate what your expectations are about having sex, being exclusive, being direct about feelings.
If He Only Had a Heart [19:41]
Clayton has done little to generate audience support. When he speaks it is without feeling. His actions look generated. It could be because his self-worth is low or that the show’s producers gave him a Bachelor playbook. He is inauthentic. To his credit, they are trying to date and find love in fabricated environments with scripts written by strangers.
Susie speaks her truth and sets a firm boundary. Clayton doesn’t want the relationship to be over but that is not Susie’s fault. She could have said something sooner but she doesn’t owe him anything.
When you set boundaries people may not like it but your boundaries are for you, not them.
Will Susie be the next Bachelorette?
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Marni welcomes renowned financial guru and the founder of HealthyLoveandMoney.com, Ed Coambs into the Life Check Yourself studio. Ed helps couples deal with their money stuff. He is recognized as a thought leader who offers financial therapy. He has been cited in the WSJ, AP, NYT, and CNBC. He leads couples through therapy from financial despair and frustration into financial intimacy and connection.
Key takeaways from this episode:
How to practice financial empathy
Solving money issues in a healthy way
Discover your money attachment style
The best time to talk about money when dating
Practicing Financial Empathy [1:54]
Ed says money conflict is not equal to other types of conflict. Money conflicts are more damaging to relationships than other types of conflict. Money represents security, safety, and freedom and it means different things to different people. Money can take on any meaning we give it. We use money for so many different purposes, psychologically speaking, it makes it a loaded topic.
Ed recommends having money conversations before couples commit. As a couple, we need to feel we are doing money the right way otherwise we are out of alignment. In the search for financial empathy, gather your money memories from childhood.
Money shame doesn't ever go away; it is more about what you do about it once you are in it.
We did not choose most of our early money situations. We were born into them. Those starting financial points left indelible impressions that will be with us for our entire life. If we don't reconcile and deal with them.
Money Attachment Styles [20:49]
Ed says he didn't believe that attachment style had anything to do with money issues when he first began his business. But, when he began reflecting on his money history, upbringing, and spending or saving habits he recognized the cause and effect. He says it is a challenging journey to go on, but it is liberating.
Every time you talk about money you activate the attachment system.
Early money influences can turn into a shopping habit or be the motivation to become a workaholic or avid spender if you felt you didn’t have enough as a child. Or, if you fear being rejected you may try to hide your spending habits.
For adults who are trying to form and maintain loving, safe, and intimate relationships it is important for them to form new patterns.
Make Healthy Emotional Money Decisions [29:58]
Ed says the first step into shifting your relationship with money is to become aware that you have a relationship with money. Then, work with someone qualified to help you work through it. You won't unearth your money story and shift it on your own. Make self-examination a way of life versus self-criticism and shame. And, for the love of God, enjoy your life.
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The Couples Guide to Financial Intimacy
The Healthy Love & Money Way: How The Four Attachment Styles Impact Your Financial Well-Being
Marni and Chris Gillis reflect on the latest Bachelor episode as this season starts to taper off. This ho-hum sandbox of a season lacks the heart and compassion of previous Bachelor seasons. It seems Robot Clayton didn’t come pre-programmed with emotions or charm. It would be a travesty if he ended up with Gabby because she is a shiny gem amongst the dull rocks.
Key takeaways from this episode:
How long to date before getting engaged?
Male and female communication styles
Remembering heartfelt Bachelor seasons
Being a goofball can be endearing
Is it Too Early to Get Engaged? [1:21]
Marni and Chris reminisce about Colton Underwood’s recent engagement. He had previously dated Bachelor contestant Cassie for two years then he revealed he was interested in men and now he is engaged to political strategist, Jordan Brown.
How long should a person wait to get engaged after leaving a long-term relationship? Marni thinks it should take over a year to know if a person has similar values or won't circumvent your deal breakers. Plus, if there are no disagreements you have no idea how the two of you will handle conflict.
If you haven’t had any disagreements in your relationship, are you speaking about your needs or setting boundaries?
Robot Clayton [8:56]
The number one thing that would add some pizazz to this mundane, boring season would be to magically inject Clayton with some emotions. And, truth be told even the contestants don't seem exceptionally happy or sad. There is no joy or pain displayed by anyone on the show.
When Clayton broke up with Serene, it made Chris feel weird. Chris says he would rather have someone get their emotions out instead of simply walking away. Clayton is showing red flags when it comes to communication. He sounds like one of those guys who doesn't know how to handle conflict.
Again Marni reminisces about a previous Bachelor, Ben Higgs was the first Bachelor to say 'I love you'. He broke the mold and the rules when he told two contestants he loved them. Marni also lovingly remembers Greg Grippo’s love for Katie as being a show highlight.
The current Bachelor cast is in it for the wrong reasons. It makes the show seem staged and manipulative.
Clayton and Gabby [16:27]
Both Marni and Chris agree that Clayton is repetitive and mundane. He is good at reflecting back but he is not great at sharing his thoughts. He is so emotionally disconnected that his body language is stunted. Mani says that there are a lot of women like this, their spirit doesn't show through because they don't know how to communicate.
While Gabby may not be everyone's cup of tea, with the right person it will be adorable and fun. Because of her goofiness, Gabby may be friend-zoning herself. Clayton says Gabby is sweet. Chris thinks she is the whole package: sweet, sexy, and cool.
Marni likes Gabby because she is capable of being vulnerable and being super hot like when she showed up at the rose ceremony. She is showing all sides of herself. But, Marni doesn't think Clayton will pick her because she is so awesome.
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Chris Gillis joins Marni to discuss the juicy dating nuggets from this week’s ho-hum The Bachelor episode. Clayton uses the show’s credit card to Pretty Womanize the contestants, but he is no Richard Gere. The Producers force therapy on the women whether they like it or not, and the probable frontrunner shares too much.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The pretense of the Pretty Woman date is to mimic the 1990s classic but falls short on entertainment value because we have evolved into 2022. Clayton, the handsome guy takes women to a fancy store and treats them like princesses. Marni wonders if buying clothes for a woman is really the royal treatment.
Chris questions whether women like this tactic or not. Marni says women just want to be treated like they are special. That is the key, not the stuff. Attention to detail and thoughtfulness go a long way in wooing a woman.
Women want to feel special, not bombarded with expensive gifts.
Couples Therapy in Vienna [17:52]
In another completely ridiculous setup, Clayton and company are whisked off to Vienna to attend therapy and psychoanalyze each other. Marni points out that couples don’t go to counseling at the beginning of a relationship when they are still happy. The women were expected to open up in front of the cameras and crew, yet Clayton didn't have to share anything. He is given the golden gavel and evaluates them. This type of stunt is merely theatrics. It would never occur in real life.
Genevieve, the contestant who has never had a one-on-one date with Clayton, is asked to blurt out her feelings about him. She says she doesn't like talking about things that make her upset or crying. Even if she is not comfortable with her feelings, she wasn't set up to win.
When dating there has to be context to be vulnerable. Don't beat yourself up if you can't talk about your feelings on first dates or surprise encounters.
Marni thinks Genevieve should B-N-R (bless and release) Clayton. Women stay too long with guys who drain their energy. He didn't take time with her therefore she doesn't owe him anything.
Sharing Feelings Without Ultimatums [32:40]
Marni thinks Rachel, the pilot, is the frontrunner. Or at least, it will come down to Rachel and Susie. Rachel is good at reading physical queues and she notices that Clayton lights up when someone says she loves him. It builds him up. Is he just a dufus who needs affirmation?
Maybe, I love you shouldn't be shared over plastic food with a rose?
Rachel did a good job of taking responsibility for her 50%. Marni says Rachel shared her feelings with dignity, while Chris felt she went a little too far.
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Marni welcomes the creator of the everchanging The Adventure Challenge game, Bryant Ellis. He is a risk-taking, rule-breaking high school dropout, entrepreneur, and newly-minted millionaire. As host of The Fail Journal podcast, he is determined to help people process failure as a lesson, not trauma.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Bryant had the desire to create a game that was different every time he played it. When he landed on The Adventure Challenge he continued to drill down to make the game more adventurous and make different versions for dating, family, etc. To date, he has sold millions of copies around the world.
His side hustle became The Fail Journal podcast where he talks with people about their failures and how they process them. For Bryant, failure has always been a numbers game in his head. He says if you process failure as trauma you may not be as willing to take risks again.
Redirect how you think about failure to set you up for success.
How to Build a Strong Fail Muscle [7:47]
Bryant says to process failure differently we must work at it. It is a journey, not a destination. Releasing the shame is a good place to start. When we change the meaning we give to our failures, we release the fear of taking another risk. Without risk, there is no success.
No opinion should be too precious to change. Approaching life with curiosity is the best way to grow. Do we really have to follow someone else's rules? Bryant thinks the experimentation process is beautiful but many are afraid of it because of potential failure or rejection.
If Bryant Was a Man-Panelist [29:20]
Marni asks — What makes a guy want to go on a second or third date? Bryant wants to have a moment of connection and have fun. First dates can be awkward so he avoids dinner dates. He opts for a nice leisurely stroll instead. He wants to connect with a woman who is independent, meaning she wants to be in a relationship but doesn't need it to feel complete.
Marni asks Bryant if a woman sleeps with him on the first date, does it send the wrong message? He thinks there is something instinctive in men that they need to pursue or work for something. A guy generally perceives a woman has more value if she has boundaries. He adds that guys notice when women don't adhere to their boundaries. Hollywood romance scenarios rarely take hold. Brian wants to woo and chase.
The fear of being alone caused him to stay in a relationship for too long. You can use people to meet a need you have instead of actively trying to pursue a connection with intention. His biggest failure was being afraid of being alone. Now, he would rather be alone than be lonely with someone.
It is healthier to be alone than being lonely in a relationship.
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Chris Gillis is back from vacation and rejoins Marni to discuss another episode of this extremely overproduced season of The Bachelor. Several of the main players are emotionally immature, including the leading man. Conversations seem canned, there is a lot of needless crying, and now that Clayton finally gave Shanae the boot, who will keep the drama alive?
Key takeaways from this episode:
In being cast as the title role on The Bachelor, one might assume that Clayton would take on a leadership role and embody some leadership qualities. Unfortunately, his chameleon-like persona doesn’t allow him to take control of anything. He seems lost and unprepared for engagement or marriage.
In this episode, he finally gives Shanae the boot and then acted embarrassed that he didn’t do it sooner. It is as if he lacks the nads to stand behind his decisions. Showing once again that a handsome beefcake may not be a perfect match.
When Mara talks to Clayton about Sarah’s age, instead of asking Sarah directly if she thinks she is ready to be in a relationship, he poses it as if someone has been putting doubts in his head about her. Of course, Sarah starts crying instead of answering. No one really knows what her objective was for crying so much. Was it because she thinks she is losing?
Asking direct high-quality questions, no matter how uncomfortable, is always the best course of action.
Defaulting to Victim [11:55]
Some women cry as a default strategy when they don’t want to answer a question or face up to their feelings. Crying is not always connected to sadness. Sarah could have expressed herself but she just cried. Therefore, Clayton doesn't know what to do with it.
Crying can be a healthy expression and release our emotions and tension. It may be being used as a manipulation tool in the case of this show. It shows immaturity and a lack of communication skills.
In relationships, there are important conversations that need to be had. You should be able to answer your own truth.
When you say something in line with your values or boundaries and the other person has an emotional reaction, it may be difficult but you are not responsible for how they feel.
The Age Factor [18:33]
No matter what your age or circumstance, you have the potential to be the best catch in the room. We are all just a few mindset shifts away from having it all. Stories and prejudgments stop us from really getting to know people.
On the show, Mara, 32, continues to bring up her age as if that is why she is not the frontrunner. Then asks Clayton if 23-year-old Sarah is truly ready for a long-term relationship. The truth is Clayton is not into Mara. He may sense that Mara is not truly happy with where she is. She has age dysmorphia and it is unattractive.
Anything is possible no matter how old you are when you are being true to yourself and living your best life.
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Marni welcomes author and personal development expert Gary John Bishop into the Life Check Yourself studio to discuss the impacts of his books and teachings. Gary John describes how we can uncover our personal truth and venture into relationships without blame or baggage.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Gary John did not want to write a book. He resisted when a marketing representative approached him with the idea. He didn't want to write a book called 'Be Great' because that is not his style. He was self-publishing, so he thought who cares what the title is. He was unwilling to do anything or write anything that felt inauthentic.
If you want to live an extraordinary life, you have to do something extraordinary.
Most people look at others who do extraordinary things and believe the other people have something special that propels them forward. But people who do extraordinary things are just people who were called to do something bigger and then took the necessary actions to get it done.
For those called to do extraordinary stuff but don't act, they have to tell themselves the truth. That is when they start to identify how full of shit they have become. When we embrace who we are and what we are about we chip away at the conditioning and programming to expose our authenticity.
It's not about how successful you are with your venture. It's about taking the steps for yourself. Get clear about who you are and what you care about. This is what unfu*king yourself means. People will be drawn to your authenticity.
Love Unfu*ked [14:51]
In relationships, most of us are trying to fix something about ourselves from our past. We believe a relationship will be the answer we are looking for. Gary John says it is a big part of what draws us to people. It is not that a person is the love of our lives, it is that they are the solution of our lives. They solve something for us. Sometimes they solve problems for us we didn't know we had.
The first thing to do before you get in any relationship is to get clear about the kind of ‘you’ that is getting into the relationship. You can't go into a new relationship with junk from the past. Consider what you are walking in the door with and what things trigger you? It's not rocket science. When we look back at all of our crappy relationships the common denominator is always us.
If you take away the bullsh*t you can figure out what drives you to do what you do.
The Life You Are Willing to Put Up With [19:20]
Marni questions Gary John about people who claim to have done the work but just don't implement what they have learned? Gary John says that knowing something doesn't really mean sh*t. Knowledge does not equal awareness. You can know something but still not have come to terms with it or understand the ways it impacts your life.
You have the life you are willing to put up with.
We can move, evolve, and change in the face of anything. The secret ingredient is us. If we want our life to be different, we have to be different.
The only thing that keeps us rooted in the past is blame. We become attached to being right, but we need to move past it.
It is not hard to forgive ourselves.
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Dating coach Robbie Kramer joins Marni to share insights and take a deep dive into the dating lessons from the last episode of The Bachelor. Are the producers keeping Shanae around just to make sure fans are awake? If they left it to the dull-edged sword, Clayton, fans might fall asleep. Is bagging a bore enough incentive to keep these beautiful women in the game?
Key takeaways from this episode:
When Gaby speaks with her mother reflects on the major difference between vulnerability and telling a sob story. Makes one wonder if the conversations were contrived based on a certain formula the producers put together? Real vulnerability is organic.
Dating tip — Don’t get stuck in your head while dating. You can be emotionally prepared without being strategic about it. You don't ‘DO’ vulnerability. You can’t put it on like a jacket.
Vulnerability is a natural state of being.
Vulnerability isn't a sob story or the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Vulnerability is letting the other person know you had a great time on the date. Or, that you really enjoy their company.
Robbie has a soft spot for Gaby because he likes silly jokesters. Marni says the way she presented her vulnerability — blurting out that she has low self-esteem was inappropriate. She could have described examples of the things her low self-esteem has brought about in her life which would have softened the blow for Clayton.
Marni recommends sharing in a way that creates connection instead of leaking. Robbie predicts Clayton will eventually use the information as a get-out-of-jail-free card. Gaby may be regretting saying it. It wasn't a problem before she brought it up but now, it's a thing.
Boring Hot Guy Syndrome [16:04]
Robbie and Marni agree that Clayton is a mix of careful and vanilla. Marni can not imagine that some of these amazing women will be satisfied with someone so plain. Robbie works with good-looking clients who are worse in bed than they think they are. They got laid in HS and college because they were hot but when they start dating women of substance they don't understand why relationships don't pan out.
Some ladies stay with a boring hot guy because they think there is potential. Why are these women still dating this dud?
Marni thinks Clayton presents well and he is a bit of a chameleon. There is very little that is unique about him. If a guy is always playing the mirror or being the chameleon and just doing what they need to get by, he robs himself of the opportunity of being authentic.
Clayton is the perfect candidate for a desk job. Where is his stapler?
High Emotional Intelligence [23:44]
The frontrunner as far as Marni and Robbie see it is the Olympian, Marlena. She didn't get the rose date but she seems to be winning. She shows up authentically. Marni doesn't think Marlena would ever date Clayton IRL. He just doesn't measure up to her. She is funny and cool and handles conflict well which means she has a high level of emotional intelligence.
When your vibe or emotional availability isn't at the level of a high-quality person you are not going to attract those people. Clayton may be on the show for the wrong reasons. He can't make decisions, he has low self-esteem, and he gets swayed by whatever is going on around him. He is definitely not ready for a long-term relationship.
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Marni is joined in the Life Check Yourself studio by the author and founder of Careers with Wings, Marcy Morrison. Marcy supports hundreds of people to live the life they love and to create a career from their passion. She also is a speaker at corporate conferences and a facilitator of life coaching workshops. Marcy shares her personal journey and steps for how we can form careers around what makes us happiest.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marcy didn't feel she fit into her generation. She always wanted more than the two paths others took. She felt she only had two options. One, work for a corporation and sell her soul or save the world and live in poverty. She slowly realized that she could do more to save the world with a degree in business than on volunteer journeys. Shortly after beginning her career, she got pregnant and created Careers with Wings so she could do what she loved at work and at home.
Many people get caught in the — I wish I would have — It’s too late for me now — I just have to suffer through five more years of this — syndrome. Marcy says if you don’t change your life no one else will do it for you. Start making a plan now.
How to Get Started Living Your Passions [8:26]
Give yourself permission to get your wings and gain your freedom. Marcy thinks many people think of career transitions backward. When you focus on what career you will have and think of your vision for happiness second, you get off on the wrong foot. That is where regrets come from.
When you know you want to spend more time with your children but your work schedule doesn’t allow it, you are not living your truth. Marcy asks her clients to flip the process and consider what they want in their life, and then how they can get a career that plays into it.
Marcy says you can get creative with a short term strategy that doesn’t pigeon hole you into deciding one way or another. Maybe it is a mix of things that will feed your passion.
Stability is the backbone of exploration.
Reevaluating what makes you happy and what is important to you at each stage of your life is the number one thing you can do to begin following your passions. Also, keep a journal for flashes of inspiration. What things do you enjoy? What do you have fun doing? Are you doing enough of those things?
Looking for happiness outside of yourself is a waste of time. You have to love yourself.
Some people believe they need to blow up everything in their lives and make drastic changes because they don't know how to make incremental changes toward what they want. Marcy’s advice, give yourself a break and take time off to think about it. Make a list and put the simple things at the top. Turn the old way outside down and fill your tank up first.
Put together the pieces of your passion puzzle.
Life is short. Give yourself the space to dream because the dream is where the magic is.
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Dating coach Robbie Kramer joins Marni to share his insights and dive into the dating details from the last episode of The Bachelor, the “Shrimp Gate/Mean Girls” episode. Shanae gets aggressive, again. Clayton seems pretty well put together, yet the producers continue to show a clip of him crying about how broken he is, and no one understands why Rachel is a contestant.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Shanae’s out for blood approach may be catching Clayton’s attention for now, but both Marni and Robbie agree that it is a short-term strategy. If she continues to lead with sex after the oats are sewn, she will be left with unanswered texts and no flowers on Valentines’ Day.
If a guy is grounded in his masculinity, overly aggressive physical behavior will be a turn-off.
Many women lead with their physical selves because they know it is a sure-fire way to get a man’s attention. Men need much more than that to enter a long-term relationship with someone. The physical invitations lose their value because the guy isn’t required to make an effort. Robbie says a man has to be invested in a woman to make the relationship valuable to him.
Is some guy you barely know who you want to get validation from?
Being Blind to What Everyone Else Sees [12:40]
Most women have been through the ‘I don’t know what you see in him’ or the ‘Are you sure you want to go through with this?’ conversations with friends and family members. Why do we not see when someone is bad for us when everyone else can?
We get blinded by attraction, which is a stronger emotion than our logic telling us what is good or bad for us in the long run. In the beginning, attraction is so strong it feels like it is the only thing that matters.
Why Do Some Women Love Drama? [28:17]
What is it that makes women jump into the drama and why is there such a need for them to be right? Insecurities and inferior communication skills are what make some women involve themselves in every little argument and sink themselves into the drama.
If a woman creates tension when there doesn't need to be it is a red flag, Robbie says.
In the episode, Genevieve was pulled into the shrimp-fueled clash, Elizabeth gracefully bowed out, says Robbie. He believes Elizabeth just wants to let it go and Shanae is creating something out of nothing.
Overall, Marni thinks Clayton is not ready for a quality relationship and he is only keeping Shanae around because he wants to bang her.
Robbie’s prediction — Watch out for Susie. He likes her vibe and personality. He says she is a great example of how to be cute and adorable.
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Marni welcomes Choyo Wilson-Daniels into the Life Check Yourself studio to discuss what is holding women back from making more money. Choyo is a premier mindset coach who founded Loveshift Coaching for women who want to run their business on their terms. Choyo is a seasoned entrepreneur who teaches her truth from her past struggles as a business owner.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The biggest thing holding women back from not making more money is their belief that they are not enough, they are too old, they need to lose weight, or any other belief that they are not enough. Choyo says many women don’t make decisions until they feel the conditions are just right but then use excuses of why the time isn’t right.
Sometimes the smarter we are, the gap gets wider between what we want and what we actually have in our lives. A lot of women struggle with dreaming big and typically when children come into the picture many women let their dreams die.
So, where can women start when they feel their circumstances are keeping them stuck? Suspend your conditions. Turn off the programming and act like the roadblocks are not there.
Go to your imagination (the 4th dimension) and get a clear vision of who and where you want to be, and what you want to be doing. Choyo says to tap into your imagination and go there in your mind. Because once you see the beautiful picture of who you can become it creates emotions and when you feel good you act differently.
Money Blocks [9:04]
Money blocks are generational and develop by the time we are seven or eight years old, Choyo says. If you are an adult who has never re-evaluated their money beliefs you are operating from your parents money beliefs. It is critical to do an evaluation, because many family members were raised during the great depression. They probably have a scarcity mindset which has been passed on from generation to generation.
If we aren't careful we can pass a scarcity mindset on to our children as well.
Money beliefs, blocks, paradigms, whatever you want to call it came from your childhood environment.
How to Shift into Abundance [17:50]
The first thing is to become aware of the limiting money beliefs. Then, build a new belief. We have to reverse engineer the beliefs. We need to create a brand new model of what we do want. All of the intention should be focused on your new model.
Change our relationship with failure. We need to look at failure like we look at success, it is all necessary. De-emphasize failure. Thomas Edison failed 10k times - you have to be willing to fail and take risk again. Tuning into the signal.
Set a money goal and create an affirmation around it. Repeat the affirmation all day and get comfortable with it in your life.
See yourself as who you want to be to make it so.
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Marni and Chris add a bonus to the regularly scheduled Bachelor recap this week as they compare the learnings from the recent Ignite Your Life event with the important Bachelor takeaways. If you are stuck in dating and in life, this episode will help you on your journey to become unstuck.
Key takeaways from this episode:
As another IYL event ends, Marni notes that many of the questions the women ask of the quality men on the man-panel are eerily similar to questions of years past. Chris says this year's group seemed to be more aware of the internal work that is required to have a healthy relationship.
One question that comes up every year is — How do you know when a guy is ready to commit?
Men go through phases, just like women do and their willingness to commit is based on the work they do and what stage they are in their lives. Both men and women can keep themselves stuck because they are good at their current role as the hunter, the quality-casual dater, etc.
When people are super resistant to change and they believe their way is better for them, or they are terminally unique, they stay stuck until they become of the work they need to do. Marni adds that there are women who come back to her program and admit they were super stuck before but just hadn’t grasped how much.
Unless you implement change in your life you will continue to have the same patterns, the same outcomes, and the same disappointments.
— Data shows that if you do the work, it will work.
If you are on the path of doing the work but it is not translating into tangible results, give yourself some time. You are human. Significant behavioral changes don’t happen overnight.
Important Bachelor Takeaways [17:29]
A big reason Marni continues to unpeel the onion which is The Bachelor is that it is a way for us to recognize patterns and behaviors of the contestants that may resonate with us. What are the ladies doing that maybe we have done in the past or continue to do that keeps us stuck?
Are you a life-long bachelor contestant in real life?
Remember you are not broken. If you are having difficulty changing your behaviors, think about the challenges in your life like knots in a necklace. Some are harder to get out than others, but with patience and continued effort, you can undo the knots and find your free-flowing, self who is comfortable in dating, relationships, and life.
You just have to untangle the emotional knots that keep you stuck
Oversharing on a Date [22:47]
In this episode of The Bachelor, the producers created a ‘circle of trust’ but with no qualified professionals. Then they asked each contestant what they were not proud of in their lives. They falsely called the circle a ‘vulnerability circle’ but it was more of a ‘shame circle’ which served no purpose other than to make the ladies feel bad about themselves.
Marni reminds us that it is important to reframe the questions we ask ourselves. For example — What traumatic moments keep us stuck? — Why bring up traumas this early in the course of dating? Ladies, remember, the world is tough enough don't beat yourself up, and don’t overshare on dates.
It can be off-putting when you show your open, oozing wounds to someone too soon in a relationship.
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Marni speaks to the creator of Inner Confidence and Host of the Leverage podcast, Robbie Kramer. Robbie works with men to create the lifestyle of their dreams. Like Marni, he doesn't believe in quick fixes or magic pills. He brings dignity and ease to traditionally taboo interactions with no cheesy pick-up routines. Robbie shares the real attraction and connection qualities guys are looking for in a woman.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Some women tend to think of men as an evil opponent or creatures from another planet but that is a falsehood. Some men are ready to commit and some men who just want a conquest. Just like women do. Sometimes we are ready for a long-term relationship and sometimes we are not. If we are always trying to figure out what another person is thinking we get stuck in analysis paralysis. There is no way to know what another person is thinking. Focus on how you feel about the other person.
Robbie says for men, looks come first. If two people are not mutually attracted, they are not going on a date in the first place. So, ladies, don’t worry about what you look like. If he is there he is already attracted to you.
Common Dating Mistakes:
The ideal venue for a first date is to meet at a coffee shop or a bar for 30-45 minutes. Then, if it goes well then change venues. Changing venues, Robbie says, gives you a chance at a reset. It changes the vibe.
Fgs [18:43]
Marni asks Robbie what we are all thinking — Why do men send dick pics and why do they take mirror selfies?
Robbie admits he isn’t aware of the psychology behind the dick pic, it may be that the guys are doing it for shock value, but either way, they are immature and it tells a woman exactly what she needs to know.
Ladies, no matter how cute, mirror selfie guys are not your guys.
Marni reminds us that those guys are doing us a favor by letting us know they are not quality guys and to move on.
When Are Guys Ready to Commit [20:47]
While there is no set time for a man to be ready to commit, Robbie says a woman should be able to tell. Men who are only looking to sow their wild oats, don’t call back. His advice is don't waste time trying to change a player into a long-term commitment guy. The guy isn’t doing it on purpose; he is just not interested in the same thing.
A relationship should be an equal investment.
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Marni welcomes behavioral relationship expert Tracy Crossley into the Life Check Yourself studio. Tracy is an author and podcast host who helps people with unhealthy life and relationship patterns. transform parts of their character such as imposter syndrome, insecure attachment styles, negative belief systems, destructive self-talk, and more. She has a background in psychology and an innate emotional intuition.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Many people know of their attachment style but few know how to use the information to enrich their lives and move from an insecure attachment style to a healthy one. Tracy explains that when she first read the book Attached she didn't think it applied to her even though she identified as an anxious-avoidant. After thinking about it, she decided she didn't want to live in a dysfunctional space.
She says, our original attachment style comes from how we received love when we were children. We incorporate our early feelings of what we think love is into our adult relationship dynamics. Each attachment style plays out differently, but it always comes down to a self-worth issue.
The avoidant attachment style is fear of being rejected and abandonment. Those with this type of attachment style either stay away from relationships or are emotionally unavailable in the relationships they get in. Sometimes, they are looking for the perfect partner who doesn't exist.
Feeling Our Feelings [8:15]
Tracy says emotional reactions come from a story we react to. To heal, we need to uncover the motivating feeling at the base of our reactions.
We tend to victimize ourselves in the stories we tell ourselves. To get to our deeper feelings, we need to question what is the true reality and then take responsibility for the choices we actively made.
Our bodies hold our emotions. Emotions are not just thoughts. When we feel overwhelmed, Tracy recommends riding the wave of the feeling until it goes away. You will be less anxious and more in control of yourself. If a childhood feeling keeps coming back.
We get caught up in our stories. But if we are courageous and go deep down to find the truth we can find freedom from our false identity.
The 90-second tool for Life Check Yourself listeners:
If you go on a date with someone you are not sure about and feel the urge to bolt because something about the person irks you. The urge to bolt is coming from a place of fear. Drop into your feelings and stay for 90-seconds more. Use this technique for any situation you want to bolt from. Be quiet, be curious, and listen.
The more self-awareness we have the better our decisions are and the more we learn to trust ourselves.
Step Out of Imposter Syndrome and into Your Authentic Self [30:10]
In our early stages of development, we lack self-awareness. We are constantly deciding who we need to be to get what we want from others. We decide what kind of characteristics we can adopt to get attention, validation, and love. When we enter a relationship, and people try to get to know the real us we fear they will try to see the real us. Then we feel ashamed about being an imposter. It’s a vicious cycle.
Make life a journey of curiosity instead of being judgmental. Take your time to discover your authentic self.
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Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni and Chris Gillis dissect the dating games on this week’s physical-chemistry-laden episode of the Bachelor. The man-mountain who is Clayton, seems unable to lean into his feelings. Is he Matt James #2? Cassidy teaches us that sexual aggression is unattractive and that a friends with benefits scenario offers little space to date with dignity. And, Elizabeth can’t wait to spit her ADHD on people.
Key takeaways from this episode:
There is one contestant who makes Marni cringe. It’s Cassidy. Cassidy is over-aggressive and actively tries to make out with Clayton every second they are together. She is obviously going for the sexual connection but her vulnerability feels fake. She says I like you and she attempts to mount him. She crosses a line that is not attractive.
Clayton’s technique needs a little work. Is he a quality guy? Marni says he might have Matt James syndrome. When a contestant opens up to him and shares about her family. He speaks from his head and not his heart. He doesn't share and wasn't vulnerable. Chris says his response felt like a job interview.
When dating someone new, listen to them with an open heart. It’s not a job interview.
Victimy or Vulnerability [10:38]
Shenae calls Elizabeth out and asks her why she didn’t respond to a question or comment she made. Instead of calmly explaining that she has ADHD, Elizabeth snaps back that she processes information differently. She uses it as an excuse for her behavior instead of vulnerable sharing.
Don’t overshare your medical history, especially on a first date. It’s not being vulnerable. It’s a canned story you are using to elicit a common response. Be discerning about what you share and when you share it. You don't need to put everything out there on the first date.
Taking ownership and responsibility for a miscommunication is sexy.
Friends with Benefits [25:21]
In the episode, Cassidy offers up the unsolicited information that she has a guy she hooks up with at home. It begs the question, can you bang your friend with benefits and also date with dignity?
Marni says for women it may be a little harder. She tries to discourage clients from having an FWB on the side because it causes women to compartmentalize their feelings. It requires rigorous honesty. and it's difficult. Chris says it is easier for men to compartmentalize it and not let it bleed over into their dating life.
Cassidy just needs too much attention and she asks for it in an unattractive way.
Make a Connection:
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Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni welcomes the Founder of EZ Dating Coach and matchmaker extraordinaire, Mike Goldstein to the Life Check Yourself studio. Mike is a frequent guest on this show and he has been featured on the Today show and in Readers Digest. 83% of Mike’s clients enter relationships! This is the highest success rate in the country. He uses data from the top dating sites to set his clients up for dating success.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Mike reveals that the Sunday after the New Year is the best time to meet someone because people vow to find their love, online or at the gym. Marni points out that it means the online dating sites should be full of new prospects. With 57% of online daters are looking for serious relationships with a higher percentage of men saying so, it dispels the myth that men are not looking for commitment.
Marni asks Mike what gets in the way of ladies finding a quality guy online. He says there are two major obstacles women must overcome.
Yet, the data shows one out of three marriages come from online dating. It doesn't need to be a full-time job. Mike’s process requires just 30 minutes, three times a week plus one date a week.
Often, when dating, a woman is trying to be perfect. In reality, Mike says men are craving access to a woman. They want to see who a woman truly is. Women have a hard time being vulnerable and guys will start looking elsewhere because they don't feel they have access to you emotionally. Mike’s advice, describe a time you overcame one of your limiting beliefs and how you worked through it. It allows the guy to know you better.
No matter what your dating history is, you need to let your guard down.
Looking for Perfection? Stop. No One Is Perfect [12:35]
Marni describes several of her clients tend to rule guys out before giving them a chance. Instead of being curious about a guy they sabotage themselves by being nit-picky about a physical attribute or a comment.
Mike's strategy is simple — Consider how the person you are dating makes you feel. On a date and in between dates? If the answer is you feel good then continue to date the person. If the person doesn’t make you feel good, move on.
Be curious when dating rather than automatically ruling a guy out. Don't be stuck in the story that nothing works for you.
There is No Shame in Online Dating [21:48]
Mike shares that he has been rejected hundreds if not thousands of times when he offers dating advice. But he wants to help people fall in love and lower the divorce rate. So he keeps at it. He doesn’t take rejection personally and neither should you.
There is no shame in online dating. It’s a numbers game.
Do you want to fall in love? What is your goal? If you want to fall in love, do the work. Trust in the process and truly believe the universe wants you to be partnered. There is no one person that doesn't deserve love. If you get rid of the shame and use a strategy, be courageous, and commit to it you will be a success story. It's just putting the right things together into one focused effort to get a result.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Life Check Yourself Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni and Chris Gillis work tirelessly to extract every morsel of dating advice from the beginning of season 26 of The Bachelor. Sweet, former NFLer and alpha-male Clayton Echard was given a cool $100k to have 31 women test his dating mettle and claim their hearts. Let’s see who stood out and who went home.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Salley, the blonde with the Love Island hair extensions, showed up for the opening show. But she did so only to tell Clayton she was supposed to get married the same weekend. Her quick exit came after telling Clayton she just wanted to meet him but she hadn’t yet fully recovered from her breakup with her ex-fiance.
It begs the question, how do you know when you should start dating again after a breakup?
On the flip side, if you are on a date and a guy starts talking about his ex. Give him time to express himself and be curious. If he continues to do it on multiple dates, play the empathy card. If he realizes what he has been doing and stops all is well. If he doesn’t stop, he is not ready to be dating yet. Tell him you are not a therapist and move on.
Marni and Chris think Clayton may be insecure and he likely will fall for anyone who likes him. He kissed five women on the first night. They also think Salley will make a comeback later in the season.
Exuding Masculine Energy [15:17]
Marni notes that there are a lot of successful, professional women competing this season. It will be interesting to see if they are able to drop into their feminine energy during the dating process.
Claire Heilig is an example of a woman who wasn’t able to get there. She and Clayton go on a fake tailgating-esque date. She couldn’t disguise her male vibe when they played cornhole. When Clayton got flirty about almost winning, Claire’s testosterone shot up and she reminded him sternly that she, in fact, won the match.
A guy doesn't want to kiss a dude in a dress. Are you being too competitive? Do you need to win?
Chris says, she revealed more about how she feels about herself and her need to win.
Too Much Too Soon, Gift Giving [26:13]
Showing up with flowers on a first date is a tradition for some people, but showing up with a 100-year-old family photo is a bit much. Elizabeth offers the only copy of a family keepsake photo to Clayton right out of the gate.
Marni points out that women tend to overgive. As a general rule, don't bring a gift to your first date.
For Valentine's Day, if a guy you are dating hasn't asked you out by Feb. 7th, you can ask what is going on. Or, tell him how much you love celebrating the date. It doesn't have to be awkward. Just have an open-ended conversation. It isn’t always easy to put yourself out there. Vulnerability is necessary for communication.
A gift doesn't have to be tangible. It can be a simple compliment.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Life Check Yourself Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates