Marni welcomes the Founder of EZ Dating Coach and matchmaker extraordinaire, Mike Goldstein to the Life Check Yourself studio. Mike is a frequent guest on this show and he has been featured on the Today show and in Readers Digest. 83% of Mike’s clients enter relationships! This is the highest success rate in the country. He uses data from the top dating sites to set his clients up for dating success.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Mike reveals that the Sunday after the New Year is the best time to meet someone because people vow to find their love, online or at the gym. Marni points out that it means the online dating sites should be full of new prospects. With 57% of online daters are looking for serious relationships with a higher percentage of men saying so, it dispels the myth that men are not looking for commitment.
Marni asks Mike what gets in the way of ladies finding a quality guy online. He says there are two major obstacles women must overcome.
Yet, the data shows one out of three marriages come from online dating. It doesn't need to be a full-time job. Mike’s process requires just 30 minutes, three times a week plus one date a week.
Often, when dating, a woman is trying to be perfect. In reality, Mike says men are craving access to a woman. They want to see who a woman truly is. Women have a hard time being vulnerable and guys will start looking elsewhere because they don't feel they have access to you emotionally. Mike’s advice, describe a time you overcame one of your limiting beliefs and how you worked through it. It allows the guy to know you better.
No matter what your dating history is, you need to let your guard down.
Looking for Perfection? Stop. No One Is Perfect [12:35]
Marni describes several of her clients tend to rule guys out before giving them a chance. Instead of being curious about a guy they sabotage themselves by being nit-picky about a physical attribute or a comment.
Mike's strategy is simple — Consider how the person you are dating makes you feel. On a date and in between dates? If the answer is you feel good then continue to date the person. If the person doesn’t make you feel good, move on.
Be curious when dating rather than automatically ruling a guy out. Don't be stuck in the story that nothing works for you.
There is No Shame in Online Dating [21:48]
Mike shares that he has been rejected hundreds if not thousands of times when he offers dating advice. But he wants to help people fall in love and lower the divorce rate. So he keeps at it. He doesn’t take rejection personally and neither should you.
There is no shame in online dating. It’s a numbers game.
Do you want to fall in love? What is your goal? If you want to fall in love, do the work. Trust in the process and truly believe the universe wants you to be partnered. There is no one person that doesn't deserve love. If you get rid of the shame and use a strategy, be courageous, and commit to it you will be a success story. It's just putting the right things together into one focused effort to get a result.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Life Check Yourself Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni and Chris Gillis work tirelessly to extract every morsel of dating advice from the beginning of season 26 of The Bachelor. Sweet, former NFLer and alpha-male Clayton Echard was given a cool $100k to have 31 women test his dating mettle and claim their hearts. Let’s see who stood out and who went home.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Salley, the blonde with the Love Island hair extensions, showed up for the opening show. But she did so only to tell Clayton she was supposed to get married the same weekend. Her quick exit came after telling Clayton she just wanted to meet him but she hadn’t yet fully recovered from her breakup with her ex-fiance.
It begs the question, how do you know when you should start dating again after a breakup?
On the flip side, if you are on a date and a guy starts talking about his ex. Give him time to express himself and be curious. If he continues to do it on multiple dates, play the empathy card. If he realizes what he has been doing and stops all is well. If he doesn’t stop, he is not ready to be dating yet. Tell him you are not a therapist and move on.
Marni and Chris think Clayton may be insecure and he likely will fall for anyone who likes him. He kissed five women on the first night. They also think Salley will make a comeback later in the season.
Exuding Masculine Energy [15:17]
Marni notes that there are a lot of successful, professional women competing this season. It will be interesting to see if they are able to drop into their feminine energy during the dating process.
Claire Heilig is an example of a woman who wasn’t able to get there. She and Clayton go on a fake tailgating-esque date. She couldn’t disguise her male vibe when they played cornhole. When Clayton got flirty about almost winning, Claire’s testosterone shot up and she reminded him sternly that she, in fact, won the match.
A guy doesn't want to kiss a dude in a dress. Are you being too competitive? Do you need to win?
Chris says, she revealed more about how she feels about herself and her need to win.
Too Much Too Soon, Gift Giving [26:13]
Showing up with flowers on a first date is a tradition for some people, but showing up with a 100-year-old family photo is a bit much. Elizabeth offers the only copy of a family keepsake photo to Clayton right out of the gate.
Marni points out that women tend to overgive. As a general rule, don't bring a gift to your first date.
For Valentine's Day, if a guy you are dating hasn't asked you out by Feb. 7th, you can ask what is going on. Or, tell him how much you love celebrating the date. It doesn't have to be awkward. Just have an open-ended conversation. It isn’t always easy to put yourself out there. Vulnerability is necessary for communication.
A gift doesn't have to be tangible. It can be a simple compliment.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Life Check Yourself Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni welcomes the host of the Jewish Money Matters podcast, Yael Trusch into the Life Check Yourself studio. They discuss how-to unravel money stories, the spirit-money connection, and how women can begin designing the financial life they want for themselves and their children. Yael’s Signature program, G-d Wants You to Be Rich, has transformed the financial lives of countless Jewish women and couples all over the globe.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Why does money matter to women? Yael says, money matters to women because it is the way we create an impact in the world. We, as humans, regardless of our family, creed, or race were put here to serve the world and make it a better place. Money is one of the resources we are given to make a lasting imprint in this world.
Marni asks, how can women create abundance and not be attached to abundance?
This is one of the complex parts for people, Yael says. Everyone needs to design goals for their lives, financial and personal goals. There must be tangible things you are aiming for because those things will assist you in becoming the person you need to be to serve others, our growth journey.
While we focus on the ‘why’, the ‘how' is orchestrated from above. God says let go of the outcome, just show up with your ‘why’, and do what you need to do.
To let God manage the ‘how’:
Are your financial goals me-centered or God-centered?
Common Limiting Beliefs Women Have About Money [11:29]
While beliefs vary Yael says three common limiting beliefs women have about money are:
You can have the money, the health, the marriage, you can have everything.
Parental Responsibilities Around Money [27:46]
Yael reminds us that children are learning about money whether parents intentionally teach them or not. They watch the way you behave and listen to the way you speak but through a child's eyes and ears.
Parenting is a holy endeavor. Parents are responsible for raising capable, responsible, adults in the world. Unless you want to be saving your child financially for the rest of their lives you need to model and teach them to be responsible and not give it all so easily.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni, Chris Gillis, and newcomer clinical psychologist, Dr. Emily Owens attempt to make heads or tails of the season finale of The Bachelorette 2021. It seems All-American girl Michelle Young has a bad picker. She chose Nayte who struggles with communications over emotionally well-versed Brandon. She may need to Life Check herself.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Michelle can’t go back and have a do-over. She chose Nayte, a guy who has never been in a relationship in his life and doesn't talk about his feelings. But, Marni says, this happens in real life to intelligent, savvy, professional women every day.
Dr. Emily notes that Michelle’s body language told the story. She obviously has more of an attraction to Nayte. But, this isn’t in line with what Michelle said about needing to find someone who loves her more than she loves him. She is probably setting herself up to fail.
Brandon and Michelle’s hug looked tender, soft, and authentic. The Nayte and Michelle hug didn't give off the same energy.
After the rose ceremony, the network tells Nayte he has to move to Minnesota and the couple will receive $200,000 to buy a house. Does the money come with stipulations?
Dr. Emily says Michelle may be trying to fit Nayte into a mold that he has professed isn’t for him. What you see is what you get with men. The relationship may not last very long.
Brandon the Break Up King [14:24]
Brandon exhibited an emotionally mature communication style when Michelle broke up with him. He truly knows how to communicate his feelings. He said he wanted Michelle to be happy even if it wasn’t with him. He had a spiritual point of view. Marni hopes he stays true to being a nice, sweet kid. Chris agreed, saying that for a guy he articulated exceptional wisdom.
Even the Twitterverse is poking fun at the discrepancy in Nayte’s inability to express himself and Brandon’s communication skills.
Ladies, when you are dating, be committed to your deal breakers and make sure you are looking for the right things.
Emily says the thing about values is that they are a long-term game. In dating, if you play the short-term game you set yourself up to fail. Over the long term, you will feel more connected if you stay true to your values.
What is your game plan and how can you date to win?
Marni thinks Michele may not be emotionally available enough to receive the kind of love Brandon has to offer.
Bachelor 2021 & 2022 [35:43]
The barriers to the contestants finding healthy, romantic love for Bachelor 2021 were:
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni speaks with Dr. Colin Wilford, a Clinical Psychologist with 27 years in dating and relationship counseling. Dr. Wilford enjoys studying mind-personality dynamics, the power of influence, and leadership. He helps companies with leadership, relationships, and people concerns. During the conversation, he shares his 4 Pillars to Higher Emotional Intelligence and his early-dating ConeXions assessment tool.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni asks Dr. Wilford about how a woman can determine what motivates the man they are dating or a team member they manage. Dr. Wilford says it is all about passion. He says be upfront and right to the point and ask “What blows your hair back? What gets you up in the morning?”
We all have a passion for something and unless we ask the questions we don't know what motivates people. Most people are thinking about themselves and what they want instead of the other person.
In a relationship, people want to feel attracted to one another, they want to be loved, validated, and accepted.
Dr. Wilford’s 4 Key Pillars to Emotional Intelligence
Making ConeXsions [22:58]
Dr. Wilford has been thinking about what makes relationships successful, what makes some compatible, and what makes them fall apart. So, he designed a tool that assesses compatibility between people who are starting to connect and starting to date. The tool helps filter through possible issues the pair may have if they couple up.
ConeXsions:
It points to the things that create compatibility and gives couples something to come back to when they hit a rough patch.
Most relationships fall apart because one person can not handle the stress.
How-to Grow Emotional Intelligence [35:02]
Dr. Wilford reveals that human beings have the wonderful privilege of receiving a stimulus and then having time to think about what to do about it. The rest of the animal kingdom doesn't have this ability. To grow emotionally, it is important to increase the time between what is triggering you and what you believe you need to do in the situation based on your perception, understanding, and what you think the results will be based on the action you take.
Don't be an animal, be a human being.
The key is to increase the time. When we have a knee-jerk reaction it is normally destructive to our relationship.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni and Chris break down this week’s Bachelorette and filter out all the golden nuggets of real-life dating advice. It looks like it is down to Brandon and Nayte and Michelle seems to be attracted to the guy who has difficulty communicating. Marni discusses what this means and what you can do if you find yourself in a similar situation.
Key takeaways from this episode:
This episode highlights how mean people can be to each other when they are triggered. Either a lot of the guys on the show have a low emotional intelligence or they are being triggered by TV producers who bring out the worst in them. Marni says that when we get activated, especially when one of our core values is triggered, it can be hard to hit the pause button and be our best adult selves. And being on national TV puts it in the spotlight.
The human brain is naturally attracted to drama. Chris says people get attached to having someone validate them. When they don't do it, it can be maddening. That ongoing drama keeps our attention and we continue to spend time trying to figure out why someone is not giving us what we want. It's a game you can never win, Marni says. If you find yourself in this situation, do yourself a favor and run away.
Addicted to the Chase [9:38]
If you are someone who leans more toward a guy you want to like you more than he does versus the guy you are dating who likes you a lot this Bachelorette holds some good lessons.
Brandon is in love with Michelle and tells her will love her until her last dying breath. Michelle seems to shift in her seat and is obviously uncomfortable with him professing his undying love. Then when Nayte, who is 27 and has never had a girlfriend, says he is catching feelings for her she gets all giddy. Michelle wants to be chosen instead of doing the choosing.
Chris adds that the internet thinks Michelle is the greatest thing since sliced bread but he thinks she displays some red flags when she interacts with the guys. She is a teacher and she might feel needed when trying to help or change them. Marni and Chris have different opinions about whether Michelle has had physical relations with some of the guys during their sleepovers.
If you are never attracted to the guy who is really into you, consider why that is.
Predictions [32:35]
Marni believes Michelle will choose chancy 6-foot-8 Nayte over smitten Brandon. If she picks Nayte? Chris says within 3-6 months the couple will find a reason to break it off. Michelle wants to save the world, and it will not be Nayte’s style. Marni says Nayte is a player and not marriage material. Only time will tell.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
In this inspirational coaching episode, Marni speaks with Tarah. Tarah was part of the 5-Keys to Becoming Irresistible program in May of 2020. She is a 38-year-old, single, Professional Marketing and PR Communications expert. Tarah describes how she created the life she wanted by using the foundational principles of the program.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Tarah was put into a position of leadership within the craft brewing community of Charleston, SC. She moved from NYC after providing financial and human resource services to a fast-paced company. She had traveled, changed jobs, and cities but still didn’t have a partner.
When Tarah thought about it she realized she didn’t know how to date. She knew she needed help because what worked for her in the past didn't really work for her. She was aware enough to know that there must be a better way. So, she reached out to Marni and the team then joined the 5-Keys to Becoming Irresistible program in May of 2020.
Previous to joining the program, Tarah had spent years in therapy, studied her attachment style, read books, and had even tried to travel it out but none of these things empowered her to get the life she wanted. One of her biggest takeaways from the 5-Keys program was to create, communicate, and implement boundaries.
Transform Your Dating Life [10:32]
Many people believe they are stuck in their attachment style and patterns. But it is possible to rewire our brains to overcome, shift, and shed existing patterns. Tarah describes how she shifted her attachment style.
She says it will always be work. She has to constantly remind herself that she put her boundaries in place for a reason. She knows if she breaks her promise to herself she will go back into the behavior that doesn't allow her to get her needs met.
Tarah started a new relationship using what she learned from the program and while it didn't work out with the guy, it did get her closer to where she wants to be. She says she wanted to believe that love conquers all but it just isn't realistic. People need to have some values in alignment but they have to be bigger than the areas of contention.
Whether it is an App or a Pub, You Have to Put Yourself Out There [28:18]
Tarah says she put out to the universe that she wants to meet someone organically. A couple of days later she went to a pub for a late lunch. A guy sat down beside her and they have been together for two months. She knows she wants a partner she can do things with but she doesn't have to have a ring on her finger. It's more important, for her, to have shared values with someone.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni speaks with Institute of Living Courageously graduate Stacy McAlpine. Stacy is the founder and CEO of Journey Fuel and Host of the Ignite Your Day daily podcast. Before transforming her life, Stacy spent 20-years consulting for some of the top financial corporations. Today, she helps others start their journey to freedom. If you are ready to live a life on your terms, this episode is for you.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Stacy shares a bit of her history from before attending the Institute of Living Courageously. At 45, she decided it was time to wake up and change her life. After her divorce, she felt as if life had beaten her up. She realized she was now responsible for her own choices instead of depending on someone else.
She initially called Marni for dating advice after being heartbroken by a guy she was dating. But instead of simple dating advice, Marni advised her that she needed to heal herself before she could live a life of love with someone else. Stacy’s intellectual brain had been running the show. And, to untangle all the pieces that were keeping her stuck, she had to go back to basics and invest in herself. She invested in programs with Marni and then into her business, Journey Fuel.
Finding Personal and Professional Freedom [12:06]
To create a shift in her life, Stacy had to look to her past to connect the dots. She realized there were little things in her life that got her to where she was now; she just didn't know they were stepping stones.
She feared she wouldn't succeed. But, the team at the Institute of Living Courageously gave her the confidence to rely on herself. Stacy needed to pause when she was triggered by fear, then remember all the self-development tools and knowledge she had accumulated in her lifetime.
When you are mired in a struggle it is hard to tap into your true consciousness and awareness.
Design the Life You Want [28:04]
Stacy knew she wanted to live near the ocean so she moved herself and her girls to California. She got caught up in the how of changing her life instead of the why. Without knowing it, she was engineering in the wrong direction.
So she took a pause and decided to leave her job. Her ‘why’ was calling out to her. What Stacy wanted was to wake up every morning and do work she loved. She realized she could stand up for herself. She could go after something she wanted instead of being stuck in something she didn’t want.
Stacy created Journey Fuel. The point of Journey Fuel was to create a life that she loved waking up to and to help women to create a similar spark in themselves.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Life Check Yourself Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
The Journey Fuel — Ignite Your Day Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/35Z3vxxsv1y5M4Gw8n3ujK?si=bd5c3b15a2e4416f…
Sign up for the Walk the Talk Weekend with Stacy and Be Sure to Use the Promo Code Marni for Bonuses
Marni and Chris deconstruct the latest Bachelorette episode to siphon every last drop of real-life dating advice out of it. This week, Michelle was a tad too condescending when giving sweet Rodney the boot. So, Marni offers tips for breaking up with a guy without belittling him, plus why Clayton was chosen for the new Bachelor.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni and Chris have a difference of opinion when it comes to Brandon. Marni thinks he is a genuinely nice guy while Chris calls him out as a player. So, how do you know if a guy is honestly falling for you or if he is a low-key hidden narcissist?
Chris says Brandon is good at pushing the ball down the field and seems to be talking Michelle into a relationship. He cleverly shows up at certain times and asks for a separate conversation with her parents. Chris thinks Brandon is doing it with a purpose and eventually we will see he is a hunter. Marni thinks he is the kind of guy a lot of women would fall for.
Both agree that Michelle got rid of Rodney because she doesn't want to sleep with him, that there was no sexual chemistry. She didn't try to create chemistry because there were other guys to choose from who she did have chemistry. Chris thinks Rodney would be a generous lover.
Ladies, reminder, there is nothing wrong with dating multiple guys at once. Marni recommends it!
Nayte [16:55]
Michelle is interested in Nayte even though he has never been in a long-term relationship. Marni thinks Nayte is emotionally stunted but gives him a pass because most humans are. She gives him credit for having the conversation with his step-dad.
Nayte has a great smile and has a lot going for him. He told Michelle she inspires him to be a better man. Nayte has feelings for her but as his Stepdad reminds him, having feelings is different than making a commitment to get married.
Marni’s Hot Takes [31:27]
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni speaks with professional storyteller, World-class Producer, and Founder and CEO of The Support System, Sheri Salata during this episode of the Life Check Yourself podcast. In her past life, she was the Executive Producer of the Oprah show and President of Harpo Studios. Sheri shares the keys to manifesting the life of your dreams and how to call in what is next for you from her memoir, The Beautiful No: And Other Tales of Trial, Transcendence, and Transformation.
Key takeaways from this episode:
For 20-years, Sheri ran one of the most beloved brands in the world, Oprah. When the gig ended she had to strip away her identity to transform into an entrepreneur. Describing the process, Sheri says, when the thing that has defined you changes you have to decide who you are without it. It was her middle-of-life-reckoning.
Being someone else's mother, right-hand-gal, wife, etc. is not enough. Women need to sit with themselves to discover who they want to be. It will summon you. We can all get caught up in falling apart in our own way. But our soul speaks to us. We just need to pay attention.
To go to the next level of reckoning, Sheri placed her hands on her heart, spoke to herself in her most tender voice, and said ‘no matter what you find it will be ok’.
Most women have no idea what kind of rut they are in, but when you turn on the lights the freedom starts to shine in.
A Beautiful No [15:57]
In Sheri’s book, The Beautiful No: And Other Tales of Trial, Transcendence and Transformation she describes how all the no's she received in her life led her to the moment when the universe conspired with her.
If you can convince yourself that every rejection, every betrayal, and every no you have received is pushing you in a different direction you become open to the greatness you deserve.
Sheri shares an example of when she got a 'no' on a job she really wanted. Shortly after, she got a call from the Oprah show. Look back at your life and find your beautiful no's and then put your hands on your heart and be curious when something doesn't turn out the way you wanted.
Accept what happens in life then tune into your spiritual self and await the next surprise.
Two hacks that make it easier to accept the no’s you receive:
Following Your Spirit to Find Your Purpose [26:04]
Sheri reminds us that there is no such thing as work/life balance because the concept of balance is basically to tip over and come back to center. Eliminate the words in your life that are not in your favor such as have to and no choice.
Start listening to signals that confirm you are on your divine path in your work and finding your purpose. Sheri says she had no idea she was going to do everything she does today that drives revenue one year ago. And, to top it off, she loves everything she does. Her life is lining up as it is supposed to because she is following her spirit.
Set yourself free in your own mind about what is possible for yourself. Stir your dream pot and tune into your divine feminine.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
During this coaching session, Marni works with April to help her break free of a relationship that doesn’t meet her needs. April keeps going back to a guy because he fits into a familiar relationship pattern.
Key takeaways from this episode:
April says she can't stop thinking about this particular guy. When they first started dating, he would say he never felt the way he feels with her. He gave her compliments and said he will make her a priority. He knows her favorite song and her favorite water!
She says they dated for about 8 weeks. And, during that time he deleted his dating apps. Then, he hurt his back and their dynamic shifted. She reached out and asked him what was going on and told him what she needed. He only said he was doing the best he could. They attempted a relationship for a while but it was different so she ended it. Now, she is back in it. He says he can't give her what she needs but there is something about him that keeps her going back.
April is rationalizing, coping, and intellectualizing because she is trying to get what she wants from an unhealthy place.
April admits that the on-again-off-again type relationship reminds her of the relationship she had with her stepmother. It was always hot and cold. The relationship feels familiar and she knows how to deal with it even though she doesn't like it.
Healing Past Wounds Makes the Future Better [14:47]
Marni takes April through an exercise of talking to herself, as a child, when she first learned about how relationships worked. (Her little who)
Every time April goes back to a guy that makes her feel like her step mother did she is reinforcing the idea that she isn't ready to make self-honoring choices.
Marni helps April to realize that she will waste more years of her life feeling unworthy only to be in the same position years down the road if she doesn't shift her behavior.
When she wants to text the guy she will consider that it is her ‘little who’ who is being needy and she will find a healthy distraction. She will practice meeting her own needs in a healthy way.
April promises to be courageous.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni and Chris mine the gold nuggets from this week’s Bachelorette episode. They have to extract with care because they don’t want Bachelorette Michelle to get defensive. They share practical examples of what to do and not to do in real-life dating scenarios.
Key takeaways from this episode:
While Michelle seems to like all the guys on the show, she can be hot and cold. If a guy says something that triggers her, she gets defensive and puts up her hackles or sits in contempt. For example, when Martin asked her if she was high-maintenance. But, Martin is looking for someone who vibes with his beliefs so he should ask qualifying questions.
Can you be into someone but keep waiting for them to mess up or do something you don't like?
Because of our beliefs, we interpret what someone says from the lens from which we have been hurt or our protective wall. Michelle has an outgoing personality but when things start to get real or when there is a spark of intimacy she feels she needs to take control. Marni says if you can relate to this it may be because you are coming from a hurt space.
We all have patterns that stem from hurt places. The challenge is to be aware of them and not let the fear from past hurts get in the driver’s seat of how we navigate the dating process.
During dating, many women think they have to say what a guy wants to hear because they want him to like her. But, this is the time they should be exploring each other’s differences. A difference of opinion is not the end of a relationship, and if it is you haven’t found your person.
Searching for Compatibility [19:11]
As dating progresses people are searching for compatibility. Marni says that getting to compatibility is the easiest part. Getting back to compatibility is the true test of a healthy relationship. Small differences can derail people if they are not invested in the relationship. They, often, see a misfire as a red flag or a trap, so they bail rather than wait to see how they can work through it.
Marni recommends having conversations about your differences to see if you are on the same page and if it is an opportunity for someone to take responsibility and grow in that area.
Ladies, don’t get caught up in what you think a relationship is supposed to be like.
Chris thinks the internet loves Leroy because he is a nice guy that doesn’t say much. The cameras just slide right by him without ever stopping. He has surprisingly made it to Michelle's top 12 guys by staying in the shadows.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni welcomes Licensed Psychotherapist Terri Cole to the Life Check Yourself podcast. Terri is a global relationship and empowerment expert, the author of Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free, and podcast host. She offers up tips for single ladies who date, how-to say no with ease and grace, and her effective Boundary Blueprint.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Terri describes boundaries as personal rules of engagement. Guidelines we set to let other people know what is ok and what is not ok with us. They are rules specifically customized around our limits, values, and deal-breakers. They let people know how to treat us.
When we were young most of us were told to be good kids and do things for other people whether we wanted to or not. This means, most of us were raised to be self-abandoning, people-pleasing, co-dependents. Almost all of us have disordered boundaries.
Terri says boundaries are a language we can learn. We got corrupted data and that creates a twisted sense of self, value, and worth. It is a complicated aspect of our personality. In her book, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free she has step-by-step instructions on how to set healthy boundaries.
When we do things for others that they can and should be doing for themselves we can become bitter and burnt out. It is absolutely okay to say no without an explanation of why you are saying no.
The amount of self-respect, self-love, and self-worth we feel for ourselves sets the bar for every other relationship in our lives. Whether we know it or not.
The Boundary Blueprint [15:33]
If you don't set boundaries, you will be a martyr only doing things for people out of a corrupted sense of responsibility. You may try to make people feel guilty and you will give corrupted data about yourself to the people in your life so they won't authentically know you. And, how can anyone authentically love you if you don't allow them to authentically know you or you don't authentically know yourself?
To get started: Get clear about where you need a boundary, then
Single women should value their time and not get stuck in the pen pal zone when a guy texts but won’t ask you out. Ask him to take things to the next level. Who has time to waste? Not empowered single women.
Set boundaries in the dating realm, early and often.
A woman who has healthy boundaries says something when someone doesn’t keep their word. She pushes back when a guy doesn't call when he says he will. She doesn't collude with a guy's twisted sense of reality when he thinks his time is more valuable than she is.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
In this Check Your Life podcast, Marni and Chris break down the real-life dating lessons from the most recent episode of the Bachelorette. Bachelorette Michelle is throwing out a lot of pink flags, and it has the guys confused. The guys need to know exactly what she wants but she or the producers are creating a lot of inconsistencies and confusion.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The show starts off with Michelle’s date with Martin. Marni finds Martin distracting and thinks he is trying very hard to make a statement with his image. A Stylist on the Life Check Yourself team says if your image shows up before you do, you are hiding in your clothes. People should notice you, not what you are wearing.
Your style should showcase you, not cover up who you are.
Marni and Chris offer some tips for when you find yourself on a date with Mr. Try Hard. Basically, when dating IRL don’t fall for a guy’s potential! There is a chance Martin could change, but it is not likely. Marni and Chris agree he is a boy who is not ready to be engaged.
The Slumber Party [15:12]
Viewers may never know if this group activity was designed to invoke drama but it sure seemed like it. The producers put the guys in silky pajamas but then in a masculine environment. Chris says it had to be staged. Someone knew the guys would not make a love connection because they were in battle mode due to all the testosterone in the room.
Michelle shows up and none of the guys pay attention to her. She obviously wanted more attention yet she didn’t get involved she sat and sulked. She says she didn't feel seen. She scolds the guys for not giving her what she wanted which surprised them because she had not told them what she wanted.
Marni says Michelle is a classic example of a woman who is extremely pretty and smart and should be super confident but something in her childhood left her insecure. She should speak to a life coach or therapist.
When you feel small your vibe is small.
Let Your Feminine Energy Shine Through [29:39]
Michelle displays a lot of masculine energy. She dresses very feminine to try and balance it out. Michelle is a basketball, tomboy-type girl yet the producers have her dressed in heels and ball gowns. It must be so confusing for the guys.
If a guy doesn't know where he stands or what you want he will do nothing.
Marni believes it is giving her the friendzone vibe which confuses the guys because they signed up to get engaged. Chris says the guys are having a hard time reading her because she isn't being flirtatious.
Make a Connection:
In this Life Check Yourself podcast, Marni facilitates a live coaching episode with Michelle. Michelle has been divorced for almost eight years. She has been dating for a while but seems to sabotage relationships when she starts falling for a guy because she is scared. Marni offers her some tools to use when she feels herself pulling away.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Michelle dates outgoing, professional guys who are fun to be with but elusive. They look good on paper and check all the boxes and should-haves. What is holding Michelle back is that internally she feels as soon as things start going well she will become disappointed. Therefore, she never achieves emotional intimacy with them, even after dating for a couple of years. This stems from having her feelings hurt and not feeling heard when she was a child.
There is a difference between being cautiously optimistic and having expectations.
Michelle doesn’t trust her feelings because no one validated her as a child. Deep down she fears abandonment. She recognizes she feels stuck and needs to nurture the little girl inside of her.
The Path to Meet a High-Quality Man [27:03]
Marni offers Michelle the tools to help her connect to her intuition and her essence. When she empowers herself to have the emotional intelligence she wants to have, she will feel emotionally safe and grounded. Marni reminds her that we attract who we are. If she is emotionally open, she will attract a man who is also emotionally open.
By creating our own emotional safety we start attracting people into our lives who are emotionally available.
Michelle is going to:
Make a Connection:
In this Life Check Yourself podcast, Marni and Chris discuss the dating traps exhibited by the guy contestants in the latest episode of the Bachelorette. Who does Michelle choose when presented with a strong contrast between looks-good-on-paper Jamie and the not-sure-I-am-good-enough Rodney?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni notes that too many women become focused on how a guy looks on paper and whether or not he checks all the boxes. She warns against this because when we get attached to the idea of someone and not shared values, we end up with the wrong partner.
For example, Bachelor Jamie is CEO of a biomedical tech company. He fits the image a girl would be super happy to talk to her friends and family about when we peek behind the curtain he has been seen putting other dudes down and telling everyone else they are wrong. Big red flags there.
The person you date does not add to your worthiness.
Jamie tries to trap Michelle by saying he is trying to protect her, yet he is the one planting seeds of doubt in her mind. Plus, Chris points out Jamie hangs out with the not-so-nice guys and you know what they say about birds of a feather. Jamie displays a complete lack of humbleness. He can not be silly or laugh at himself. Who wants to date someone like that?
Sometimes we want to see what we want to see. That is why it is important to get clear about our values because we could be missing out on a great guy.
Why Do We Put Some Guys in the Friendzone? [17:56]
Enter Rodney. When he approaches Michelle he does the opposite of Jamie and tells her that he may not be this and he may not be that but asks her to give him a try. While it did catch Michelle off guard, she asked him why he would start a conversation (or a contest for that matter) in that way. He just unwittingly put himself in the friendzone!
Ladies, if you feel that the guys you are attracted to never want to commit, but the guys you are attracted to are not interested in you, this may be the issue.
If you have gone out on a few dates and you like a guy but are not feeling it, what can you test the waters to see if he is just nervous or if he has low self-worth?
Chris says that men who are worth a damn will love doing something brave and show you who they really are. With the caveat that sometimes they need instructions.
Lessons Gleaned About F-Boys [30:05]
The clever ones know how to work the system. When true F-boys feel a woman is moving away, they turn on the waterworks. Or, when they feel you are getting clingy they move far enough away to keep you hooked. F-boys have colorful stories but they use their powers for evil instead of good.
Make a Connection:
Marni welcomes Sexual Health Specialist, Christine Delozier to the Life Check Yourself podcast. Christine is an acupuncturist and herbalist who treats every patient holistically through research and study into traditional Chinese medicine, dietary nutrition, and counseling. She shares some simple changes you can do to get your mind and body sex-life ready.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Christine believes approaching health from a natural perspective is the most effective way to take care of our bodies. In Chinese medicine, a practitioner always looks to the root of health to assist their patient, not symptoms. To achieve optimum sexual health it is best to treat the root of the issue through diet and nutrition.
When we think about great sex, women tend to think about it psychologically, but physiological great sex means strong signals of pleasure are sent from our genitals and nerve endings up to our brain, therefore, balancing our sex hormones.
One of the most-widespread complaints Christine receives from women is they often have low libido and difficulty achieving orgasm. What they don’t realize is that the food they are eating affects each of those things.
Leafy greens are great for great sex. They increase nerve conduction, blood flow, reduce cortisol, and optimize testosterone. In addition, antioxidants show stronger nerve impulses, protect against damage, and increase clitoral sensitivity.
Eating a salad is more about being healthy than losing weight.
Chomp on This Before Going on a Date [15:57]
In Christine’s book, Diet for Great Sex: Food for Male and Female Sexual Health, she includes a Date Night Sex Menu. She describes what greasy foods do to the libido and how refined sugars disrupt hormones and taint our testosterone. Plus, to stay confident and comfortable throughout a date, eat plenty of vitamin C and potassium before leaving the house on a date.
Oysters are known as libido-raising food due to their high zinc content.
How to Achieve Great Sex Based on Chinese Medicine [26:11]
Traditional Chinese medicine teaches us that hormonal balance is the balance of Yin/Yang in the body. Yin is the feminine essence and the physical attributes of the body. Yang is male energy, think nerve conduction, and the heart beating. Balance is key.
The traditional Chinese view on sex is that when we have strong Chi we have good sex. And, the essence of life is believed to be housed in the kidneys. The embodiment of our essence is menses for women and ejaculate for males. In addition, every meal should have five main flavors. Without a bit of each, it can throw hormones out of balance.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
If you've followed The Dating Den for a while, you know that the work we do on this show is about much more than just dating. At the core, we help our listeners live and love courageously so that they can create a life of peace and joy and success and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams.To fully realize this vision, we knew we needed to expand.
Marni welcomes renowned body-language expert Blanca Cobb to the show. When it comes to love, romance, and relationships, she helps singles find a partner who is worthy of love by using and understanding body language. She can help you to identify partners who love, care for, and respect you. Blanca has appeared in more than a thousand TV appearances and has been quoted in hundreds of popular publications.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Ladies, if you are dating a guy and he says romantic things that make your heart all a flutter but his expressions and actions don't match up it could be a red flag. Blanca says if a guy wants to be with you he will show up emotionally and physically. The more they want you the more they will touch you in caring and nurturing ways. Think putting their hand out when you are getting out of a car or putting their hand on your shoulder when walking through a door.
Gentle caring touches say a lot more about how someone feels about you than a passionate embrace.
When dating, a guy must have the body language that supports his statements. If they don't match his words don't matter.
When Your Clothes Say Feminine Energy But Your Body Language Shows Masculine Energy [13:01]
It can be difficult to transform into a feminine goddess right before a date, especially if date night turns out to be a Wednesday. And, trying to convince someone of what you are through words or instead of naturally showing someone is just about impossible. Your body language shows everything and guys can get confused about the signals you are sending.
Before a date, practice being feminine and flirty without overcompensating.
Blanca says a relationship goal is normally to have a man love you for who you are and not who you pretend to be. If you want a long-term relationship you must be yourself when dating. You can only pretend for so long and a relationship based on a false persona will make you both miserable.
Physicality matters. Blanca’s tips for dating:
What we do with our hands is an emotional barometer of how we feel in the moment.
Sending the Right Signals on a Video Date [29:32]
Video dating is here to stay. If a guy asks to video chat, try to make it as natural as a real-life date would be, if possible, look at the camera, not the screen, and have fun! Use a post-it note to remind yourself to look into the camera if you have to.
Dress like you are on a date. Because when you wear something you feel confident in, it will show through on the call. You should also be just a bit more animated in front of the camera during a video date. A playful nature can add some life to a flat projection on a screen.
Remember, everything is perceptible, and everything makes a difference. Transmit wisely.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni and Chris reconvene to talk about the real-life dating lessons from the first new episode of Bachelor in Paradise 2021. Has Bachelorette Michelle been to a dating coach and does she know exactly how to find her perfect partner, probably not, but that is what makes this analysis useful and fun.
Key takeaways from this episode:
On Bachelor in Paradise, contestant Ryan is confronted by Bachelorette Michelle about some notes he has in his room. He had a folder that included information about Michelle and how to get attention during the season. Chris says it is normal for a guy to dig around the internet to find out more about someone he likes.
Michelle confronted Ryan and he took a defensive stance instead of owning up to what his intentions were. Michelle said goodbye to him then and there.
Marni says, if your ego gets exposed, fall on your sword because being defensive puts everyone on edge, and being honest about what happened will leave you with your peace of mind.
Marni encourages women NOT to search the internet about a guy before she meets them in person. She recommends taking the opportunity to create a connection with the other person first.
If you want to prepare for a date, instead of doing copious amounts of internet sleuthing, ground yourself and think about what you are curious to know about the guy.
Save Your Time to Spend on the Good Guys [15:21]
Michelle puts so much of her time and energy into a guy she knew wasn’t going to be her guy, she doesn't have time to spend time with the other 28 guys who are interested in her. The lesson from this is that in real-life dating, we shouldn’t waste energy on things we don't want or know won’t work out anyway. Think of the time wasted trying to figure out why someone ghosted you or the unrealistic expectations of waiting for a call from someone you don’t really like anyway.
Focus on what we want to bring into our lives, not what we don't want.
If you are dating it is important to remember the good guys are out there. Don’t waste your time on the wrong ones.
Respecting Boundaries versus Looking for Red Flags [23:12]
Going through someone's phone can be hard to resist especially if you just slept over for the first time, but Marni says don’t do it. If you want to know something about someone you should ask them directly. Looking through a bathroom cabinet or a bedside table and then making a snap judgment doesn’t give the other person the dignity of telling you about something themselves.
We find it hard to resist because our brains want to protect us from getting hurt. We may be thinking if we go through someone else stuff we will discover something that is a red flag but it is not a good vibe and certainly not a good way to start a relationship.
If you are dating a guy who has been a perfect gentleman and there are no issues, stay out of his private zone.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni asks the Master Coach of the Institute for Living Courageously, Sherrie Toews, to explain ways to fix your online dating process to increase your chances of finding real love. For 25 years, Sherrie has been a licensed therapist in California. Her work focuses on what causes people to be stuck, and she creates a foolproof plan detailing how they can break through and acquire the skills needed to maintain a long-term lifestyle shift.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni and Sherrie share that they see attractive, reasonably smart people sabotaging relationships every day. Even if they think they are not sabotaging a relationship, they unconsciously are.
It all goes back to our belief system. In childhood, when we hurt or had to deal with something that wounded us we formed little Who's as coping mechanisms to keep us from getting hurt again. This can also happen in our teenage and early adult lives when the hurts and wounds were profound. Think once bitten, twice shy. The little Who's form negative beliefs about ourselves, our worthiness, and our lovability. Or, negative messages about other people, aka men.
If we don’t become clear about what we want from life, the little Who's will still be making our decisions unconsciously. When they appear, they can seem like the truth, but they are sabotagers that keep us stuck!
Even if you think you have read everything there is about getting unstuck, there still may be unconscious pieces that can wreck your dating results and block your path to finding real love.
An example of a limiting belief is — Men just want to have sex. Sherrie reminds us that when a high-quality guy is giving us a compliment about our beauty or shape, we will whittle it down to a derogatory comment. But, remember, men are physical, visual creatures.
No matter how smart you are you may still be a victim of limiting beliefs.
Shifting Your Mindset [9:17]
Are you too picky when you discount a guy after only seeing his profile? Sherrie says, making snap judgments about men is a way you are collecting evidence to fit into your limiting belief. The little Who is influencing your decisions!
Instead, if you look through the lens of being open-hearted, values-based, and extending men goodwill, and credit there is no such thing as settling. Be curious about who the picture you are looking at truly is.
We are made for connection. If you are looking for a man online you are searching for a connection.
Stop These Online Dating Mistakes Now! [17:57]
Promiscuous self-disclosure is a mistake many women make when messaging men before physically meeting them. They give out too much personal information such as family drama, medical trauma, or personal dharma. Throwing out issues to see what resonates with someone else is not healthy dating. It is not vulnerable.
Dating is a process. There is no need to tell someone everything about you on a first date, or worse, before ever meeting in person.
Other common mistakes are creating a false sense of connection through endless messages back and forth, not responding to date requests, and not dating more than one guy.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
As part of Marni’s contribution to the How to Actually Feel Worthy of Love Podcast Tour curated by Veronica Grant, client Janice Busing joins the show to describe the love connection she made after doing the work.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Before becoming a dating with dignity client, Janice was considering Where she was in her life. She was 56, single, not dating, and craving partnership. One morning Marni's email appeared in her inbox. That is when Janice realized that if she wanted to live her life fully now was the time to make a self-honoring choice.
It takes courage to admit that getting into partnership is something you care about and are ready to work on.
Janice knew she needed support and guidance. She had expanded her awareness but she was self-sabotaging by using her good life and clever stories to keep her out of a relationship. She thought the man for her had to be a certain way and had to offer her certain things. She was being picky and avoided dating. When she did date, she put demands and expectations on the other person based on her fears.
Janice had a base fear that she would never get what she wanted. She injected that fear into her relationships. When she released the fear and her limiting beliefs.
Attracting the Wrong Guy [12:59]
Janice had a deep-seated belief that she wasn't worthy of love. She had wounds from the past that were seeping out in her life making her feel unworthy of love.
Marni hears it all the time from women. Intellectually, they know they are worthy but their brains are wired to keep them safe. The brain needs prodding to look at a situation through a different lens.
Janice says when she decided to work with Marni she committed to do the work at 100%. She vowed to be honest, vulnerable, and open to the process. She said the coaches at Dating with Dignity heard what she was saying, even though she couldn't completely hear herself. It cracked her open. She created a new foundation.
Janice’s current relationship is the first relationship she walked into authentically.
Doing Dating Differently [17:13]
Creating non-negotiables was powerful for Janice. She came from a solid foundation of who she is and she finally thought about what would be good for her in a relationship.
When you do the work you can trust the process, Janice says. You start to date differently by integrating things into your life and relationship instead of pushing them and judging the other person if everything is not perfect. She realized she was deserving of an epic love.
We are not looking for perfection, we are looking for the ability to grow with a partner.
One core limiting belief that Marni hears over and over from her clients is that other women are lucky because they found the right guy, but the truth is that once you are into your worthiness it is about making different choices that are in alignment with who you really are.
Do the work and the right guy just might find you.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni and Chris connect to extract real-life dating lessons from the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise. Unexpected break ups, playing the victim after heartbreak, and saying I love you first add to the intrigue and appeal as we say goodbye to yet another season.
Key takeaways from this episode:
At the beginning of the season, Marni and Chris agreed that James seemed like a good dude. When he started dating Anna everyone including her, thought it was a good solid connection. But as soon as Anna declared she wanted to follow through with a relationship, James snappishly said he wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship right now and took off with Aaron.
Marni says James is emotionally unavailable and he may never be satisfied. When producers asked, he couldn't pinpoint what was missing in the relationship with Anna. Likely, no one will ever be the right one.
Even if you are looking for a long-term relationship, if you don't do the work you will get the same results.
Aaron, who quickly rode off into the sunset with James, was dating Tia. His breakup with Tia was not the decent goodby that James gave Anna. Marni says it mirrored how 5th graders breakup, instantly and carelessly. Aaron feigned interest in Anna when answering to the producers but never fully committed because he is emotionally unavailable.
Is a guy really ready for a relationship?
If you are of a certain age and claim you want to be in a relationship — invest in it and be committed to it.
Natasha was a great example of what it looks like to date maturely.
How to Breakup Well [15:36]
The shocking breakup of the show was Abigail and Noah. Abigail told everyone she was in love with Noah but never mustered up the courage to tell him. She created something in her head instead of focusing on the facts. She seemed more interested in playing the victim to prove herself right rather than starting a relationship.
By telling the woe-is-me story you stay in a woe-is-me situation.
How to stay composed during a heartbreak?
During a break up emotional meltdowns can happen. The important part is how you repair the situation afterward.
It is easy to fall into unhealthy defaults if you don't stay mindful. The universe will keep showing you what you need to learn. Feedback and support from a relationship expert can help.
Who Should Say I Love You First [33:40]
Marni is open-minded about who should say I love you first. As long as it comes from a place of wholeness, not from a place of fear. The guy doesn't need to say it first. Let go of the rules.
Serena decides to tell Joe she loves him. He admits he was going to tell her later in the date. Joe is an authentic guy who dates maturely.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni welcomes relationship expert Jayson Gaddis into the Den to discuss lessons gleaned from his latest book, Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships. In addition to being an author and coach who teaches people how to do relationships, Jayson is also the host of the long-running The Relationship School Podcast.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Jayson defines conflict as a rupture, disconnection, or an unresolved issue between two people. Conflict can be voiced or the stuff we are not saying. We are all challenging when it comes to interpersonal dynamics. especially if we live together.
Silence is one of the worst conflicts. It can be extremely brutal for some. Those most susceptible to silence or a lack of response can make stuff up in their mind to fill the space — especially with those who are triggered by abandonment or rejection.
Jayson adds that the most successful relationships he has witnessed are those where both partners are willing to embrace conflict and get better at it over time.
Getting to Zero [11:01]
Many people do not know how to work through conflict. They may be scared to lose the other person and lean into manipulation or childish behavior. Jayson says, it can make us feel vulnerable to put ourselves out there and humans are naturally sensitive to rejection.
The right person wants to create a connection and get to zero. What is zero? In his book, Jayson describes zero as a happy place where both partners feel good and connected. A baseline. We want to have a baseline that feels safe, secure, and good.
Conflict can rupture the baseline. Returning to baseline (zero) as a couple is the goal. One person can't do it alone. It takes two.
Become a Relational Leader in a High-stakes Relationship [16:32]
We often get hurt and angry during a conflict but someone has to be the first to initiate repair and interconnection. A leader has to realize what is good for the relationship and do the right thing.
Relationship Tip — When you are in a conflict or snag, decide how you can get zero as a team. You want to have multiple ways to get back to zero.
One way is to stay in the same room and look each other in the eyes. Jayson says, when we are not looking our partner in the eye we go into memory and all the negative memories can bubble up.
When dealing with conflict in a relationship, maintain eye contact. See the person, not the story.
People want relational space to be fair. And, fair is taking responsibility for your 50% of the relationship. Fair means both partners are invested in finding the solution to conflict.
Relationship Tip — Consider the three entities in your relationship. You, your partner, and your relationship. Each needs to be nurtured and understood.
Fighting and conflict are what lead us to deeper understandings of ourselves and each other.
Anytime you avoid outer conflict you are creating inner conflict because you are withholding your truth. You betray yourself to keep the connection.
Relationship Tool — LUFU: Listen Until they Feel Understood
If the security of a relationship is threatened by the behavior of one, move on because the relationship is not safe for both people.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni and Chris join forces to dissect the real-life dating lessons extracted from the 3-hour case studies openly provided by Bachelor in Paradise. The contestants may be on TV, but they date just like the rest of us.
Key takeaways from this episode:
When something feels off, it can be a tough thing to decipher. Is it your intuition speaking out? Are you imagining it? Or, is self-sabotage rearing its ugly face. Does the other person feel it too?
In the show, Kenny feels that something is off with Mari yet he says nothing. Mari on the other hand feels that something is off with Kenny because he is acting differently after saying ‘I love you’.
Marni says as soon as a relationship starts to get deep, people get vulnerable but then second guess the feelings they just shared. Chris adds that it is hard for a guy to admit they are insecure or scared about how a relationship is going and to have relationship conversations.
The faster you can tell your partner something feels off, the better. Telling your friends or therapist doesn't get you closer to understanding what is going on.
Staying Positive When You Feel Rejected [11:59]
James, McKenna, and Abigail all have experience with being rejected but they all handle it differently. James is confident, resilient, and seems not to take rejection personally. When Aaron tells McKenna he is working through some stuff, she immediately lashes out and calls him a jerk. And, Abigail just sabotages herself by acting coy when Noah openly shares his feelings for her.
If you take too long to lean in, someone with self-worth may not wait for you.
Abigail set herself up. She didn’t ask Noah clear questions when they began dating. Even after Noah breaks up, Abigail doesn’t take the opportunity to ask why.
If a guy tells you what he is feeling, if it's not what you want to hear, don't blame him.
If you want a clear answer, ask a clear question
What To Do When You Catch Someone in a Lie [34:45]
If you are casually dating someone and you catch them in a lie if they are your person, check-in and ask them what's up. If they are not your person, Marni says you don't need to confront them.
On the show, a guy told a lie to Chelsea and she didn’t confront him with it because she probably didn't care enough about him to enough to say something.
Ladies, if you are in a relationship you have to address it. You have to find out why. Chris admits to lying about his age when online dating to outwit the algorithm.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates