Do you keep repeating old patterns even though you know it’s not what you want?
Do you search for a partner that helps you play out issues from your past?
This week I welcome Dr. Sheldon Kardener back into the Den. I am in awe of his deep understanding of how emotional complexes can be developed and how they can be treated. He currently serves as a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and he is the Author of the incredibly insightful book, Breaking Free: How Chains From Childhood Keep Us From What We Want.
Dr. Kardener’s philosophy is that from the beginnings of our lives we have behaviors and patterns and emotional expectations from our early relationships and it shapes the way we function and over time we start to realize undesired outcomes. During this episode, he shares his strategies for how to get rid of the past and find a healthy relationship!
How are we chained to our past? [3:48]
If something in our past saved us emotionally we can cling to it forever even if we no longer need it in our lives. If the pattern we are clinging to is dysfunctional we will see problems in our relationships as adults. We may even recognize the issue but be unable to break free of it.
Recognize the need to optimize instead of beating yourself up!
Steps to Get Rid of the Overplayed Script That is Your Life [10:20]
We have a deep emotional investment in our stories. Because we feel lost without them and we don't know how to fill in the gaps if we let that shit go. It can feel like we have lost our way of being in the world. Even if we make a shift we may be so uncomfortable in the new situation that we try to invoke our old story in an attempt to comfort ourselves.
4 Strategies to Gain Connection and Intimacy [21:20]
1. Name the nature of the conflict you are in with the other person.
2. Consider what are you doing that maintains the ongoing conflict?
3. Quit the game and let go of the story.
4. Create a new pattern.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Is there a disconnect between your love life, and everything else in your life...?
Are you afraid that you don’t understand the whole man/love/relationship sequence as well as other women…?
When you do meet man you think you like, have you ever heard the feedback that he felt ‘no chemistry’...?
The truth is, there’s a hidden emotion that is SUPER common among high-achieving, single women…
And you’re probably shooting yourself in the foot with men, without even knowing it.
My guest today is the amazing Dolan Mayeta, author of The Shame Hack:Four Simple Questions to Help You Resolve Shame and Feel Understood.
He believes shame can be overcome with strategies that work within the logical brain to get to the emotional brain. This book can help you discover the truth and heal the hole in your heart.
Avoidance Techniques that have Become Habits or Behaviors [6:01]
Dolan tried feeling his feelings but he got frustrated when his shame wasn't going away. He says if you don't feel worthy, then you don't realize how much you can disregard opportunities. Smart, successful people sabotage themselves every day by:
When you feel overwhelmed by emotion, take a pause to see what you are avoiding.
Are You Really Feeling Your Feelings? [9:43]
Dolan says wallowing, or sitting in your feelings, is not actually feeling your feelings. If you don't let the feeling come through your body, that is how you avoid it. If you are crying you are feeling the sadness not the reason behind what made you sad in the first place. Learn to recognize the underlying issues that make you feel a certain way.
Recognising Shame & Getting Over It [11:46]
Remember ladies, shame is a feeling. It’s when you feel not enough in some area of your life. There is a physical aspect to shame it can look like embarrassment or an elevated body response. Just like anger, there is a somatic experience that comes with shame.
Shame limits the depth of your connection and once you start to feel shame you will put up your defenses. You may put your burdens on others by thinking a relationship is the answer. But, others cannot fill the hole inside of you. You must do it for yourself.
Recognize you are in the midst of feeling shame. When you feel sad you cry and you recognize it as sadness. Do the same for shame.
It’s up to you. I know you can bust through all your programming and write yourself a new story!
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates