Marni speaks with a Clinical Psychologist with over 25-years of experience in working with people battling perfectionism. Dr. Margaret Rutherford recently released Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free From the Perfectionism that Masks Your Depression, a book she wrote to acknowledge the hidden epidemic of perfectionism and how it can be more damaging to your life than you know.
Key takeaways from this episode:
For most of our lives, many of us heard that perfectionism is a good character trait. Striving for excellence has been a common thread taught to us by parents, professors, and work colleagues. But, perfectionism is a critical aspect of depression and it gets too little attention.
Dr. Rutherford explains that it begins to become a problem when our perfectionism is fueled by shame and goes rogue. If perfectionism leads to a feeling of low value or failure, that's when we need to inspect our motivations.
People who identify with depression based on perfection go to great lengths to hide their vulnerabilities. They try to control what other people think about them. Sometimes people who struggle with this can describe emotions but are unable to express their pain.
There is an emphasis on perfection in the world of social media.
When people become uncomfortable with stating their vulnerabilities it can impact their lives in dating and relationships. Sharing with others can open up a wellspring of emotion and increase life and relationship satisfaction. If perfectionists don't share with others they will never know if they will be accepted.
Perfectionism can impact your ability to choose a good partner because if you feel someone isn't perfect you will feel as if you are settling. If your ‘picker’ is based on finding perfection you will never find what you seek. Women can sabotage perfectly possible relationships by holding men to the same standard of perfection they hold on to and it’s impossible to attain.
Do you take responsibility for everything? Do you manipulate your world so that you are always in control? Maybe you were yelled at or an alcoholic mom, or you believed you only had value if you were the best every time? Many perfectionists had to create a survival strategy to endure their families. But, why do they continue the same behavioral patterns as adults?
To move past these survival strategies and grow, look at the emotional connections you may be suppressing. Does it scare you when someone knows too much about you? It could stem from being taken advantage of or made fun of in your childhood when you reveal your vulnerabilities. Acknowledge your perfectionism and honor it for how it helped you survive in the past. Acceptance leads to personal growth. Go slowly and have compassion for yourself. It is a process that will take time but you are worth it.
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Marni welcomes licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist Samara Fabrick into the den. Samara has been in private practice in Beverly Hills for 28 years. She specializes in working with clients suffering from anxiety as well as a specialization in relationship and couples therapy. She taught Making Marriage Work, a premarital course at the American - Jewish University for 15 years.
Key takeaways from this episode:
When we are dating we have to be clear out our values and what we deem important to us. People tend to do best in relationships with people who have similar values. If you value ambition and drive, you will value that in a partner.
On the other hand, if spending quiet time with someone is important to you dating a C-level will only cause you frustration because they won't be around as much. If being present is important to you don't date someone who travels a lot. It will only cause frustration.
Perfectionism is rampant in this society, Samara says. It’s not beneficial and it only creates strife and woe in people. With social media and other forms of stimulation we always see someone richer, better, etc.. Thinking you can do better is a back door to not being fully committed to finding a true partner.
There is a normal amount of conflict in long-term relationships. It’s how we resolve the conflicts that define our partnerships. In her practice, Samara attempts to tease out what is normal disdain for each other and which conflicts are perpetual conflicts.
Everyone needs to understand that you can not change your partner!!
Samara recommends asking yourself these questions to identify perpetual conflict versus normal marital hatred.
When you understand your family of origin triggers you will recognize whether your partner perpetuates or replicates patterns from your early childhood.
One of the best repair tools is communicating that you understand where the other person is at or is feeling. It can be a simple apology. Instead of rationalizing and defending our behavior, try leaning into the other person and figuring out where they are coming from.
The #1 skill to manage and repair conflict is self-regulation.
Conflict is a natural part of being in a relationship. When we get in conflict with our partner we feel out of sorts and discombobulated. Many times we are just fighting to fight. If we feel our heart rate increase or know that we are agitated, Samara recommends taking a minute to regulate yourself and get yourself back into alignment.
We can then address the issue as an adult and not as an 8-year-old kid. A good rule of thumb is that everyone can postpone a conversation as long as the person who postpones it re-engages the conversation after they have regulated themselves. If a partner continually avoids repair conversations the relationship will have perpetual conflict.
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Marni talks with Ashleigh Leegie about how to eat clean when you are time-strapped. single, dating, or in a relationship. Ashleigh shares tips for saving time shopping, how to make nutritious vegetables versatile, and how to make preparing dinner a family event.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Ashleigh started noticing a pattern of allergies, disease, and illness in the people she loves. It was then she decided to begin creating ‘clean’ meals for her family. Her mother was from the South and her father was Greek and she trained as a chef, so being a foodie is definitely part of her nature.
Ashleigh chose the term clean versus healthy because she says, healthy can be interpreted differently. For her, clean eating means using ingredients she can pronounce, quality ingredients, like grass-fed butter and fresh garlic.
Women need to believe they are worth clean, healthy meals and make time for it. Changing your mindset and focusing on the things in life that are important to you is the first, big leap.
Tips for Clean Cooking:
Ashleigh asks a lot of women what turns them off from cooking and many say they don't know what some ingredients in recipes are or the meal requires 45 minutes to prepare and they don’t have the time.
Change your mindset about cooking — Your health depends on it!
It sounds old school but putting on an apron can bring out your feminine, playful, nurturing self. An apron can be the perfect transition from busy working woman to domestic goddess. And, if you are cooking for a date they can be super sexy.
If there are others in the kitchen with you give them a title and a responsibility in the food prep process. It is a way to bring people together and to divvy up the prep.
Ashleigh’s Top Recipes for Singles and Dates:
Make every meal seem like a date night
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Marni sits down with the author of The Wild Woman’s Way, Michaela Boehm. Michaela is an internationally recognized counselor, teacher, and an intimacy and sexuality expert. She has a psychology degree and intensive training in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and hypnosis.
Key takeaways from this episode:
When you look at life its all go..go..go. Our external life is related to the goal aspect of us. And we need to get stuff done. It doesn't matter how you slice it, most of our functional adult life has to do with going and doing and getting things done. Many people get stuck in go mode. It's addictive.
Goals and go mode are based in the head. Flow happens in the lower body through our intuition and pleasure. It all sits in the pelvic area, thighs, and the belly.
You can be a beast and get things done and also relinquish yourself to flow. It’s not black and white.
It's not just one or the other because that is reductive. It's about having both - go and flow - but many of us are weak in the flow department. If you are not in flow, when you go on a date you are stuck in the getting stuff done mode and that isn't the best way to attract a quality guy.
Michaela says moving your body in different ways can adjust how you feel. Move from being in your head and into the body. Our bodies hold the realm of pleasure and connection. Staying in go mode resists the body’s natural patterns of flow and intuition.
She says “we forget that in the body sits the wisdom of millennia. Millions of years really. When our bodies are neglected we lose the connection to our sexuality.”
Michaela recommends doing something every day to spend time connecting with the wisdom with our body. Light a candle, put flowers on your desk, drink a cup of tea without scrolling through your phone.
The quickest way to get connected with the body is to do hip circles.
There is a lot of power in our thighs.
Pleasures are our birthright. We are born with an enormous amount of body intelligence and information. We are not machines. A quality conscious guy doesn't want or need a machine.
Embracing Your Femininity [27:20]
The terms masculine and feminine are terms that are incredibly overused and misunderstood. We all have both the go and the flow in equal amounts. We are supposed to use the type of energy we need for certain situations. When women who are very functional, successful, and driven are condemned for not being feminine enough, it’s wrong. No one can take your birthright of femininity. You may not be overtly feminine but it's yours, so claim it.
Femininity is pushed out of us. We are taught that go mode is where you get kudos, money, and validation. True leadership is taking responsibility for both our masculine and feminine aspects and to be feminine when we want to be. You can take care of yourself and also want to be with someone.
Owning your femininity can be very sexy.
Remember, we are the CEO of our soul and all departments need to report for duty. You can’t trust a neglected department. Trusting all dimensions of ourselves will make us better contributors to relationships. Trust and nurture your femininity.
Those who believe that getting an alpha man allows them to relinquish control because it will be the man who calls the shots. But if those women think it through they probably really don't want to live like that. It's the romantic, erotic aspect they want to relinquish, not their whole life.
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