Marni reached out to her Facebook group to find someone who is actively dating online but not getting the desired results. Monica responded. She is on two different dating apps but receives very few responses. Those who do respond end up ghosting her. Marni provides her with quick fixes and tips on how to increase the amount of dates she gets and elevate the quality of her dating experiences.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Monica is a successful film-industry professional who is winding down her career. She is having difficulty finding love again after her divorce. She did have one 8-month relationship since then, but it ended in heartbreak. She says she just wants to go on a damn date. Like many successful women, Monica has done the personal development work and is serious about finding a partner to share life with.
Monica spends 20-30 minutes every morning checking her dating apps and responding to messages. She has telephone conversations but hasn't had a first date in 6 months. On top of that, she only went out on 4 dates in 2019. She says she gets ghosted a lot.
Marni dissects Monica’s current online dating profile pointing out tips for improvement in the first paragraph. She points out that Monica is a little too much in her masculine and if she was interviewing for a job all of her points are valid, BUT she is not looking for a job she is looking for a relationship.
Reread your online dating profile. What would a strong, high-quality guy think about it?
Quick Fixes for Your Dating Profile:
How Monica Can Move Forward [6:22]
Marni offers different ways to pull more information out of the men who send messages and ask for dates. Her advice is for Monica to be vulnerable and to “show him the yolk”.
Monica’s Biggest Takeaways from the coaching:
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Marni welcomes author and dating after divorce expert Holly Martyn into the Den to discuss her dating manual and memoir, Would It Kill You to Put on Some Lipstick?. Her book was inspired by an advice column by Joan Rivers and tells the story of Holly’s poignant journey of finding a high-quality guy in 100 or fewer dates. It's a manual on how to navigate love, life, and happiness in midlife.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Joan Rivers started the conversation in an advice column. She told a single mother to put on some damn lipstick and get out there and date. Holly wondered if finding a high-quality guy really was a numbers game and decided to try it out for herself and journal her journey. She was in her 40s, had been in two long term relationships and it wasn't working.
She didn't want her daughter to grow up knowing her mother stayed in a bad relationship. Holy says demonstrating to our children about what works and what doesn't when finding love is a teachable moment. It’s ok for our children to know that we are human beings and we are still learning.
3 Ways to Get a Date:
All three options worked for Holly. She met men and women. One woman set her up on a blind date with a guy she dated for two years.
Whatever it is we prioritize in our lives we can make it happen. including our social lives.
You just have to keep going on dates. It's like looking for a job. The dating process is a great way to know about men. Use the time to notice possible red flags.
The adage is true ‘If we don’t change, nothing changes’. Holly had to examine relationships from her childhood and her previous marriages to see why those relationships broke down. Eventually, she became stronger and more confident in what she was looking for and how she wanted to be treated and she became more efficient in weeding out the wrong people upfront.
Women, especially women in their 40s and 50s need to ask a man what he is looking for within the first three dates. Figuring out if a guy is looking for the same thing as you is nothing to be ashamed of. Your time is important don’t waste it on a guy who doesn’t want a relationship if that is what you want.
Men will show you who they are very quickly.
One of the wonderful things about dating in your 40s, 50s, and beyond is something is freeing about not having the pressure of looking for a provider, a father, or someone our parents will approve of. Look for character more than characteristics.
Holly reaches out to all the women who stay in relationships or marriages but have doubts about it, she says it’s more important to be a model for your children about the beauty of contentment and satisfaction.
Make a Connection:
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Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
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Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni welcomes the formidable Elle Russ into the Den to talk about how women, especially Alpha females, can be Confident As F*ck while embracing their vulnerability to attract connection and intimacy. As a coach and author, Elle helps people reclaim their health. She is a TV and film writer and host of the Primal Blueprint podcast. During this conversation, she shares the inspiration for writing her book, Confident As Fu*k: How to Ditch Bad Vibes, Clean Up Your Past, and Cultivate Confidence in Order to Make Your Dreams a Reality and key concepts to help women be confident in all areas of their life including dating!
Key takeaways from this episode:
Elle says that there is a theme to the type of people you attract into your life. Clients would come to her for help building their confidence. These were people who could speak to a room of 200+ people but couldn’t be vulnerable in an intimate or private environment. Marni adds that women won't admit to having a confidence issue but when it comes to relationships they have self-doubt or they need validation.
Alpha females have pitfalls and one of those is being vulnerable. We don't, on a primal level, want to appear weak. But, in dating it makes us inaccessible. People crave our external confidence but they never see our human side. When you are not vulnerable and open you can not have emotional intimacy with someone. How can someone love you if they don't see you.
Elle carried shame because her hands became permanently disabled in her 20's. She thought 'who would want her with the disability?' She didn't tell the guys she dated. She wanted to wait until they said I love you. She was held back. She knew she had to get over the shame of her disability. Shame can be more disabling than a disability. Shame disables confidence.
You always stay on the fringe of social connections when you are afraid to be vulnerable.
Elle considers people who project a lack of confidence ‘Downers’. When people have bad vibes toward you you feel it. Stay away from these people, she advises. You can share your experiences with some people over and over and they will consistently reply with negativity.
While Elle gets inspired by negative naysayers it can feel like a hit to your confidence. She recommends choosing your battles wisely. At some time in our lives, we have all been a downer and have had negative thoughts. Self-examination can help negative thoughts go away quickly and help us not to simmer in them.
Indicators that you may be the ‘Downer’:
Marni recommends every woman look at the five people they talk to and share with to consider if they are being encouraging or negative. If they are being negative, change your five people.
Why do women worry about what someone else might think of them and allow it to change their attitude? All that matters is how you think of you.
When you walk into a date wonder if that person is worth your time. It’s empowering.
Elle coined the term nonversation for conversations that are a waste of time and they go nowhere. We have to stop having them! Fishing for a compliment or giving voice to our ego isn’t necessary.
Women have to start encouraging other women. - envy and jealousy is rooted in self-loathing and low self-esteem. It’s important to limit your time with jealous people. Jealousy is hoping the person you are jealous of fails.
Wishing failure on someone else will always come back to haunt you.
Stop sharing stuff with negative people. You will never win. People should be worth your time or you shouldn’t hang with them.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni welcomes Susan into the Dating Den. Susan is a client who was new to dating after the loss of her husband. She knew she wanted a relationship but found herself attracting guys who only threw her breadcrumbs. During this conversation, she shares her transformation, insights about what was missing in her previous approach to dating, and how the process has changed all parts of her life.
With Susan: How to Break the Pattern of Attracting Guys That Breadcrumb You
Key takeaways from this episode:
Susan had lost her husband to cancer about a year before she started dating again. She realized she was attracting 'crumbs' guys and she wanted to attract men that were more her caliber. She was choosing the wrong guys who were caught up inside themselves and still dealing with their emotional baggage.
She felt confused and the pattern was chipping away at her self-worth and her self-esteem. Maybe, she wasn't the catch she thought she was? But, she knew she wanted to be in a relationship.
The ‘crumbs’ guy was seeing someone else at the time. She felt like the other woman or his second choice. He did however help Susan to recognize a pattern she had before she met her husband.
The problem was she was trying to think her way out of the situation. She did online research and read books but nothing was shifting.
Susan knew that she wouldn’t break free of her pattern on her own. She was ruling guys out before she would rule them in. She realized she was ruling guys out because it gave her a sense of control and protected her from getting hurt. She was also unclear about what she really wanted.
She says that working with Marni’s team helped because they provided her with a process. She wrote down her non-negotiables and got clear about what she was looking for. It was time for her to have a mature adult relationship.
It's scary to be rejected by a guy who you perceive to be a catch opposed to a guy you don't think is a catch.
Susan started dating a friend of a friend who she was ready to write off early on. One of her non-negotiations is communications and he doesn't communicate as frequently as she does but she admits to not being clear about her values around communication. Working with the Dating with Dignity team helped her to redefine what she needs versus what she wants.
Marni says many men are trainable when it comes to communication. They want to make us happy and will adapt because they are committed to the relationship.
For a lot of men communicating is challenging. They have been hurt and pasts’ to reconcile.
Susan says she would never have chosen her current boyfriend prior to taking Marni's course. She recommends being open to the process and allowing it to unfold organically. The process helped her investigate her wounds and what triggered her. She now uses the processes in all areas of her life and everything is coming together for her.
You can have anything you want as long as you are mentally aligned and committed.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates