The Bachelorette is back! Marni and Man Panelist Chris Gillis are back to break down this week’s jaw-dropping episode. They comment on the drama, the expectations, and the missed opportunities for connection and transform it into dating guidance.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The latest Bachelorette, Clare Crawley, asked the guys to take off their clothes on national television. She makes it known she wants a man to pursue her and court her properly.
When contestant, Yosef voices his valid concerns to Clare he is confronted with a strong reaction. He says “Maybe, this isn’t a match”. Clare wants to be pursued and she doesn’t feel that the guys are into her because they don’t meet her expectations.
Chris makes the point that when a woman calls out a man for not being assertive enough the subtext is that she needs to be constantly reminded of her value. If her value is based on what a guy thinks no man can make her feel worthy. He says she says ‘I'm strong’ but appears needy. It's exhausting to watch and no guy wants to sign up for that.
Marni points out that Clare was leaking fear, doubt, and insecurity and she reminds us to consider, when are our standards and expectations just ways to make guys wrong or not good enough.
So, is Yosef a strong guy or is he vengeful? It is hard to know if he is a jerk or in it for the right reasons.
Dale is super handsome but could Clare have known he was her future partner from just seeing him one time? Marni believes Clare built up pseudo-intimacy and a narrative in her mind about who Dale is. Clare can’t possibly know if she and Dale share the same values after just one look.
Dale talks a lot about the Bro Code but his actions don't match.
A report from The Gottman Institute shows 69% of issues in a relationship are perpetual. Clare doesn’t seem to be curious about any of the guys, even Dale. She is full-steam ahead, hurrying her way through the process.
Chris describes a past relationship where his ex-girlfriend was looking for Prince Charming. It was a no-win situation. The girl puts her happiness in the hands of the guy and the guy can never live up to saving her because she needs to save herself. Clare has these tendencies.
When you do not resolve your core issues, they play over and over again in your relationships.
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Marni coaches a self-proclaimed chronically single woman who used to run a Jewish singles company. Even though Susan has organized meet-ups and networking events there is still something holding her back from meeting a guy with the qualities she wants. This episode is for the ladies who don’t attract men at their level.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Pre-COVID, Susan used to go on 3-5 first dates a month. But, since the pandemic, she feels that many guys are just looking for hookups right now. She even had to deal with someone who chastised her for what they believed to be her political stance.
Her pattern is to go through a series of short relationships for a few months and then return to being single again. She wants someone who is driven and passionate about life.
Marni uncovers that Susan may be intellectually confident her unconscious beliefs that she is not worthy may come into play when she meets a guy.
When dating, if your worthiness is dependent on external validation then how likely is it you can be resilient, show up confident, and be rejection proof?
Susan’s love shield is marred by the shame message, or the internalized negative parent voice, that she is not enough. When we have a message instilled into us in childhood, we either attract people or experiences into our life that reinforce the message because it's familiar.
As children, we believe what our parents tell us about ourselves even if it doesn’t sit well with us. Because our brains aren’t able to support independent thought at that time. If our parents don’t supply us with unconditional love we feel unworthy of it.
Susan attracts men who are not at her level because she knows she can be in control and not have to worry about being enough. Unconsciously, she thinks ‘what does it matter’ this isn’t going anywhere anyway.
We attract people or experiences into our lives based on our childhood wounding.
She is not doing it from a place of intention. She is leaking. To shift her outcomes in dating, she needs to heal her childhood wounding. Intellectually, she believes she is worthy of a fabulous person to love and that she will find the person for her but her wounded inner child is still running the show.
To be with someone who is at your level is to expose your vulnerability.
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Marni graces us with a solo episode today about how to get your beautiful, authentic self into the top 10% of the dating pool.
Key takeaways from this episode:
When a guy sees you as confident and self-reliant he knows you don’t need him to make yourself feel important, seen, known, whole, and loveable. He will be attracted to the fact that he can give you all of his love but you can fill up your own tank. This is the key to adding to each other's lives.
Men want to believe that their life will be enhanced if you are in it. If you are leaking your unconscious limiting beliefs you are just showing up without a strategy. When you go out on a date a man can recognize that you aren't comfortable in your own skin.
A quality guy doesn't want to be emotionally responsible for making you whole.
Remember, your unresolved and unhealed childhood wounds keep you emotionally stuck. You may have intellectually done the work, but it may be unresolved emotionally.
When you don't feel emotionally safe it is hard to be vulnerable and to have boundaries. And, true emotional confidence comes from feeling emotionally safe. This is how you uncover your true authentic self.
How do you react to things? How do you interpret emails and texts? How do you armor up to protect yourself from rejection?
Look at the process underneath your behavior? Are you coming from an emotionally wounded place? For the man who thinks you are amazing and attractive if you are emotionally leaking it may not be something he can sustain for the long term.
When you communicate your full, authentic self. It comes through in your body language, energy, and essence. This is what is irresistible to men.
Take an honest assessment of yourself and find the gaps. It is in the gaps that you can create your intention. Fill yourself up with self-love.
Where do you need to do the work?
How can you feel completely safe so you allow more of yourself to be present? How can you allow more of your yummy, delicious, authentic self to be present? What is getting in the way of you being in the top 10% percent?
Remember, it is not how old you are, it's not the weight on the scale, it's not where you live... those are convenient justifications.
When you exude confidence. You attract the high-quality guy and you will commit yourself to each other.
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Marni welcomes Emyrald Sinclaire into the Dating Den to discuss how women can manifest the man they have always wanted. Emyrald is a Love and Manifestation Coach, a Speaker, a self-love expert, and author of the book, Destination Soulmate. Her mission is to help 500,000 women manifest the love of their life.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Many women rely on their stories to guide them in their search for love. We say things like “there are no good men in my town” or “I’m too successful” or “there are no men worth my time”. Some of us argue for our limitations and unwittingly block ourselves from relationships.
Emyrald busts the myth that finding love in a remote place is difficult. She shares her story of consciously manifesting 3 men in her life. She even started a four-year relationship with a guy in a tiny, backwater town in Ecuador.
It doesn't matter where you are, you can manifest everything you want in a partner.
To manifest the guy you desire, Emyrald says it all comes down to getting clear about what you want and removing what is blocking you. And, for many women, the blocks are just the stories they are telling themselves. Is your story serving you?
Feel into what a partnership would look like and ask yourself if you can embody that level of commitment in all aspects of your life.
Be ready to commit with your mind, body, and soul.
To figure out what your limiting beliefs or blocks to finding love are, Emyrald suggests writing a letter to God. She recommends asking God to let her guidance work through your pen. Then, let the answers within your heart spill out onto the page.
Feelings caused by fear have excited angst about them. Intuition has a loving tone to it.
Remember that nothing anyone else does is about you. If you are triggered by something a partner does it is about your wounds, not theirs. Use the opportunity to grow and connect with them at a deeper level.
It seems difficult at the moment, but we can use ‘regrettable incidents’ in a relationship to grow closer to our partner. We can also learn not to be triggered by external stressors that create knee jerk reactions.
Emyrald says, open and honest communication is key.
For women, it is important they use their emotional intelligence and speak up about what is important to them from the very beginning of the dating process. Women tend to play the 'cool' girl. We act like things don't bother us because we don't want to be the crazy woman that is overly emotional. But, if we are communicative and truly understand our needs, your partner will respond accordingly.
Marni says that when we are with someone who is equally committed to the relationship bumps in the road become opportunities to grow closer.
Emotional Intelligence is a skill that can be learned.
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Marni welcomes Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach, Nicole Crane into the Dating Den to discuss flirting and consent. Nicole is Woman's Empowerment Mentor who is passionate about holistic healing including sexuality. She is a polyamorous, pansexual, sex worker who has a fetish for talking about consent and boundaries.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Women have a tendency to be uncomfortable talking about boundaries, consent, and things that make us feel unsafe due to the conflicting messages in the media and society. For decades, we have been told to be flirty, but not too flirty, be sexy, but don’t lead a man on. It’s downright confusing!
Nicole says the most important thing a woman can do it trust her gut. No matter what someone is saying verbally, trust what you are feeling. It's important to cultivate trust with yourself. If a woman knows what she wants and trusts herself she doesn’t worry about what other people say.
But, men can be confused too. Consent is very polarized. A man may want to follow a woman’s lead and respect her boundaries but if she is unclear about what she wants, they pick up on it. A lot of good men are leaning away from embracing sexuality and making the first move.
The way forward is to normalize consent and make it sexy. Practice having conversations in the mirror until it feels comfortable.
What happens when women don't speak with an open heart when they intend to set a boundary? Nicole says it can muddy the water if you say things you don't mean or you are not being clear or true. Marni calls this leaking.
If a woman feels she wants or needs something sensually, sexually, or when setting a boundary, she needs to audaciously ask for it. Don’t worry about appearing needy. It’s your experience too. If you are unsure, Nicole recommends practicing in front of a mirror until you get a full-body yes from yourself. This will prime you with confidence when with a partner.
Vulnerability is a total turn on.
It's good to embrace the things that make you feel confident. Just don't go over the top. The best choice is to be feminine, open, and flirty. If heels make you feel good wear them, if your favorite dress makes you feel curvy, put it on, just remember there is a middle ground.
Nicole, who works with men all the time, says “Men get overloaded if you come out with your A-game. They can get overloaded with desire and their brain forces them to objectify you.”
For women who feel they are not being valued for who they are and believe men just want to sleep with them, trust your gut. If someone does not value you as a human being and isn't looking for a deeper connection, trust your feelings. Say what is on your mind. If you are super attracted to the person and they explain the miscommunication, it is ok to give them a second chance.
Setting a boundary does not create a conflict. It lets a man know what you want and allows him to be honest about what he wants.
Make a Connection:
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Marni welcomes Development Coach, Author, Speaker, and Podcast Host Anahita Joon into the Dating Den. On her God, S*x, & Everything in Between podcast and in her book, Beauty Unleashed Anahita helps women restore their energy and feel more lovable. She has 27 years in personal development work and is known as a modern priestess and medicine woman.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Anahita reminds us of the unnecessary pressure put on women because of societal expectations. We are constantly bombarded with what others think real beauty is. Our beauty is not found in make-up. Everything in life is sourced from your relationship with yourself.
She recommends we learn how to see through new eyes to see our magnificence. Once you see it there is no way to unsee it. Think about the women you see that are exuding confidence and joy. It doesn't matter what they look like they are beaming.
Can you look at the mirror and love yourself?
We don't live in our bodies, we live in our minds. Most women don't feel safe to live fully in their bodies. By magnifying your sacred feminine you can radically change your life and learn to love yourself deeply.
Mother Nature doesn't make mistakes.
Anahita says that everything is vibration. There is a unique vibration that comes through your hair, skin, and eyes. It's the sacred triad. It forms a unique frequency. In her work, she studies 3500 colors to find the 50-75 colors that harmonize with a woman. Her work helps women discover the sacred feminine, the goddess part of themselves.
We have been taught that we have to mold ourselves into certain roles, to be respectable, to get ahead, or to be seen as virtuous. But, it is such a lie. We use our vital energy to fulfill someone else's expectations. Let's start directing our energy to the pleasurable things in life.
70% of all communication is visual. If we dress in harmony with our essence people will see our true nature. When you wear the colors that are in harmony with your sacred triad you get in harmony with yourself.
If your natural hair color is brown and your eyes are brown, learn to love brown. It’s the color essence of who you are. There is an opportunity to come into congruence. Fall in love with who you are.
When it comes to aging the best we can do for each other is to honor each other's choices.
Make a Connection:
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Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
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Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates