Curious conversations with substance, a girl who collects data and has fun, could this be the closest real dating experience a reality show has ever produced? A shelter in place order at a La Quinta Inn reveals opportunities for Tayshia to make real connections. Marni and Chris Gillis unpack this revolutionary episode of the Bachelorette.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Tayshia’s one-on-one date with Ivan was incredibly vulnerable. It’s important to note, this was a no technology affair. The pair played games and opened up about their feelings the exact things people should do to get to know one another. They had a great time without a single screen in the room.
When Tayshia shared her feelings about being bi-racial in 2020 and the BLM movement she got emotional. Some tears were shed. Ivan wasn’t sure what to do, it was hard for him to be with her and her emotions without trying to solve them or fix them. It was vulnerable for her to share her experience and it created intimacy between the two.
An outpouring of emotion leaves a guy wondering how he can fix the issue.
Tayshia made the most of the Truth or Dare game. She asked good dating questions. She collected data, she was curious, and she truly listened to the responses.
Chris says “If a girl is honest about the questions she asks, a guy will tell you exactly who they are.”
Both Marni and Chris were perplexed by Tayshia giving a rose to Zac because he never let his guard down. Could she be interested in emotionally unavailable guys? Zac had trouble asking straight-forward questions. Is Tayshia enticed by mystery men? Is the chemistry so hot she forgot about her values?
Hot, off-the-bat chemistry has often landed girls with a jerk of a guy.
It makes sense that if fairy tales were the only love guidance we received as girls, we expect guys to fulfill our every desire. But, does the right guy have to be a knight in shining armor?
The structure of the show regrettably promotes the guys proving themselves to Tayshia. But as Marni points out, Tayshia is dating several guys at once, and at the end of the day, the guy with initiative will stand out in the crowd.
In the real dating world, Marni recommends the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy and not sharing that you are dating other people when a guy asks you out.
Women tend to be unconsciously looking for reasons to rule a guy out. Train your brain to rule him in before he rules himself out.
Chris says “Yes, guys are wired differently. So, be direct with them.” He adds that guys are constantly in problem-solving mode. And oftentimes, girls just want to be heard and listened to compassionately, not necessarily fixed.
His advice for ladies, if you do tell a guy to do something he will take it literally. Most men don't see beyond the surface. They miss out on the poetry and the layers you may be feeling.
Guys say what they mean and mean what they say. It is not open to interpretation!
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In this intense coaching episode, Marni gets real about what is keeping Layne enamored with a guy she has only met four times in six years. What they uncover together is that Layne keeps this relationship in her life because she has traumatic wounding from childhood she hasn’t been able to heal.
Key takeaways from this episode:
For six years, Layne has been in a long-distance relationship with a guy who she has only seen in person four times. She is exhausted from pining for a person who gives so little of himself. She keeps herself ‘on the market’ for someone else via online dating but her heart always goes back to him.
Layne describes her crush as an artist. The last time they met was at one of his art installations and they didn’t even kiss. She says she went no contact for a while but he was still on her mind. He makes intermittent contact, but she wants more.
Marni recognizes immediately that the guy makes just enough effort to leave breadcrumbs. She lets Layne know the truth, “If he is truly interested he is going to be more than just a little flirty.”
Layne admits she would rather have a guy whose words match his actions but she is having a hard time finding a guy she has chemistry with. She over-analyzes every conversation and contact with him. She doesn't voice how she feels and she has never been vulnerable with him. She finds it acceptable to be the cool girl.
In order to have a healthy relationship, you have to have emotional safety.
Marni offers Layne some hard-core dating advice:
Layne needs to understand why she has been able to live off of crumbs for so long. And, look at why she continues to be challenged in love and relationships. Maybe, the universe holds more for her?
Layne finally opens up and shares that she felt abandoned by her mother at a very young age. She was left with her grandparents. Her inner child has a big wound she has yet to heal.
Marni empathizes with her and says it sucks to not feel wanted but that is the reason her brain is playing the pattern over and over again. It is trying to protect her from hurt again. Layne needs to love her little ‘who’ through her pain.
The bottom line is while there is a connection with this one guy, Layne should realize she is capable of making a much bigger connection with a guy who is emotionally available when she heals her hurts.
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Marni and Chris Gillis unpack the latest episode of the Bachelorette. The new Bachelorette, Tayshia, is a breath of fresh air on the dating scene. She is playfully collecting evidence about all the guys and having a great time in the process. During this episode, Marni points out what Tayshia is doing right and how some of the guys are missing the mark.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni and Chris express how great it is to see Tayshia, the new Bachelorette, work through the dating process with dignity. Marni points out that she doesn't get overly invested in, or attached to any one particular guy and she seems genuinely interested in finding out who is her best value match.
The key to Tayshia’s winning dating protocol is that she gives all the guys an equal chance. If she notices chemistry growing with a guy she plays and flirts but is still committed to finding matching values. She is data dating.
Past Bachelorettes have mistaken lust for love and lust.
Marni shares a big coaching tip, “Ladies when someone asks you how are you still single, tell your story. Say you are selective, and about the time you spent time building a career or traveling.” Then finish with, ‘but now I am ready'. Chris reminds us not to worry about where you are in your life or if you have found someone or not. Guys understand because many of them are single too.
During the episode, Tayshia asks Noah to shave off his facial hair, aka The ‘stache. Marni asks Chris if it is acceptable to ask someone to change the way they look when dating. Chris doesn't think it’s OK to ask someone to change. He says if a woman really wants a change she should find a way to reward a guy if he changes his look without making it an ultimatum.
Taisha asks Noah “I wonder what your face would look like without that mustache?”
Dating Den Facebook Group Discussion Point: Marni asks “Do you think 'smokeshow' is a derogatory term?” Go to the FB page to share your thoughts.
One of the guys, Ed, wants to share something with Tayshia about one of the other guys. He is sincere when he tells her but it could be construed that he is talking behind the other guy’s back. Did Ed handle it the best way possible?
Chris says he wouldn't want to hear it forcefully, or blurted out, especially if it is a delicate situation. He recommends bringing up feedback like you would like to hear it yourself. If you have a similar situation or can relate to the issue, be honest, and open about what it is and share your concerns. Chris says, if a guy is into you, he will go into hero mode to make sure the situation is rectified.
Marni recalls the Gottman Group's Gentle Startup technique. Start a delicate conversation with a feeling and voice your concern thoughtfully.
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Marni welcomes Jen into the Dating Den. When 55-year-old Jen first joined Marni’s program, she was unmarried Jen . How did it happen that within 10 months she was married? Jen followed the process, did the work, and got clear about what she wanted in a relationship. During this episode, Jen shares how the lessons she learned in the program affect her life daily and how she met her husband.
Key takeaways from this episode:
For many years, Jen had been in a 23-year marriage that produced six children and ended in divorce. She then had a 5-year relationship that ended in a broken engagement. Jen knew she was ready to date again but was discouraged. She wanted a quality relationship but felt lost. What she was lacking was a plan.
When Jen heard about Marni’s program her confidence was at an all-time low. She realized if she continued to do the same things she would get the same results. So, she embraced Marni’s positive energy and decided to jump in with both feet.
Many women don't believe it is possible to have an effective dating process. In reality, it isn't that much different from any other vision or intention you have for your life.
Jen had previously seen a counselor but it didn’t help her to create a concrete action plan.
Jen admits to being skeptical when first signing up. She did not tell her friends or family what she was doing in case it was too good to be true.
But, once she committed herself, Jen started sharing the information she was learning with everyone she knew. She says she felt confident she was getting the guidance she needed.
Jen’s kids began to notice her increased confidence level and mentioned it to her often. She says she felt more self-assured and started to understand her internal processes better. She started voicing her wants and needs and she clearly laid-out her non-negotiables.
Jen launched her dating strategy. She returned to Match.com, but this time it felt different. She went on a few dates before meeting THE guy who shared her values. Following the process brought her value-based, non-negotiables into focus.
“This time, dating was different because now I was clear about what I wanted.”
Jen and Tim built a relationship together. For her, his words matched his actions. For him, she released her fears and trust issues and committed herself to him and their relationship. She describes her life now as peaceful and full of joy and confidence. She shares her
Jen continues to practice the lessons she learned in the program. Self-love and self-appreciation are now part of her daily routine. Her advice for other women looking for a quality relationship, ‘trust the process’ and ‘there is hope’.
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Marni and Chris discuss the passing off of the baton from Clare to Tayisha, the difference in the style of two Bachelorettes, and how wonderful it is to finally get to know the guys on the show.
Key takeaways from this episode:
It took a total of nine days for Clare to meet, fall in love, and get engaged to Dale. Marni says while love, at first sight is possible, a solid relationship may require more than love.
Both Marni and Chris agree that Clare is setting Dale up for failure. She speaks for him and over him. She makes him out to be her knight in shining armor and her savior. We all know where that leads to right? It may make Dale feel like Superman now, down the road, when things get tough, it will always feel like he was the one who let things get sour. It’s too much responsibility for a guy. A relationship should be a partnership.
When you are in a partnership, people notice an opportunity to be part of a team and to shine in what they are good at.
Later in the show, we are introduced to the new Bachelorette, Tayisha. She is instantly liked and the guys flock around her good energy. In contrast to Clare, Tayisha is a breath of fresh air. Chris discusses the characteristics that make her irresistible.
During her first date with Brendan, Tayisha says that she wants to be a mother and would like a lot of kids. Brendan replies in kind saying that being a Dad is important to him too. Chris and Marni discuss the flow of the conversation and why it wasn’t too soon for the pair to bring up their values and goals about a family.
When you have the right person, you can negotiate the details as a team.
Brenden's great move was being vulnerable when he brought up his divorce. When a woman thinks a guy is funny, smart, well-rounded, or kind, their attractiveness factor goes way up.
Vulnerability creates chemistry and connection.
And sadly, we had to say goodbye to the guy Chris Gillis has a man-crush on, cute, honest, manly, emotionally-available, Jason. He announced he had feelings for Clare and he didn’t feel right taking up one of the other guy’s time with Tayisha.
A quality guy will tell you the truth even if it's bad news.
Dating Tips from this Bachelorette Episode:
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Marni welcomes Michal Stawicki into the Den to discuss how to become the person you want to be. Michal is on a mission to support individuals who feel helpless, to expand beyond their limits to regain control over their lives. After years of not being fulfilled or content in his life, Michal read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson. The book inspired him to change his life.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Michal points out that staying in the same place can give us the illusion of comfort but we end up with semi-pleasurable substitutions. To have the life we want we have to make real substantial changes. No one else can do it for us. We have to step up to the challenge and take actions that lead us to our goals.
Meditation and journaling help us to become self-aware of our internal needs. Michal recalls beating himself up and what a waste of time it was.
Are you spending too much time needlessly beating yourself up?
If you can connect to your purpose or your why it can guide you during the moments when you feel like giving up or giving in. Making a personal mission statement is the constitution of who you want to be and the things you want for yourself.
You will never achieve your dreams by accident.
You can not start a journey and expect it to end if you do not know where you are going. You will never achieve your dreams by accident. If you want something, no one else will fight for it for you. No one else can make changes in your life. We may not be able to change our lives overnight but we can take daily steps toward our final goals.
Diminish your negative dialogue. Release the excuses, justifications, and rationale that is keeping you from acting in your best interest. Start by imagining who you want to become. Imagine how your life will be when you become that person. Write it down. Writing things helps them solidify into your reality. They become real things instead of concepts.
Even the smallest amount of joy acts like a vaccine against dark thoughts.
Tips to Change Your Mindset & Rewire Your Brain:
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Marni, Man Panelist Chris Gillis, and special guest Dr. Emily discuss what happened in week four of The Bachelorette, including how Claire went from single to engaged to Dale at breakneck speed. What kind of relationship will they have and what should the other guys think about it?
Key takeaways from this episode:
It took Claire all of five seconds to make herself believe that Dale is THE one. However, she may be wrapped up in the ‘knight in shining armor syndrome’. Because of our upbringing or childhood fairy tales, it’s easy for some of us to launch into our dates thinking that a guy is supposed to sweep us off of our feet.
Therapist Emily says that as teenagers we have physiological, biological, and emotional drivers that we don’t know how to handle because the executive part of our brain isn’t fully formed. The team says that Claire may have been experiencing 'skin hunger' and it may have escalated and triggered her immediate physical attraction to Dale.
Chris offers that Claire may be stuck in arrested development. She is relying on the idea of what she thinks love should be.
Studies show that when we search for a connection we can find connection with anybody, even a person we despise.
Moving too fast with a guy can sabotage what may have been a real relationship. It's a giant scary red flag. A high-quality guy will feel like the relationship is manufactured and he is being pushed and rushed.
Emily points out that it is important to discern between the statement "I'm falling in love” and “I am in love". In Claire’s case, she leads the witness over and over again. Marni wonders if Dale is considering his contract and his Instagram followers more than a long-term relationship at this stage.
Remember, women speak in 21,000 words a day and men only speak in 7000. It’s a good idea to give your date a chance to tell you about themselves. Pay attention to the excessive amount of words Claire used in her ‘I love you’ speech.
Marni poses the question, if you have a crush, obsession, or unrequited love is it possible and be open to dating someone else?
Chris says it would be hard to pivot from one person to another after you just opened up and expressed your desires to someone else. He says guys generally close up and need time before getting back in the game.
So, how can we show up as our best selves after someone rejects us? Marni points out that there is a lot we can learn from rejection, but the most important thing to remember is that it's not personal.
Chris says if someone rejects us we should be open to their honest feedback as we can learn a lot from it. It gives us the unique opportunity to decide what to take from it and let the rest go.
If you are attracted to someone and they don’t reciprocate don't beat yourself up about it and don’t give it meaning.
Dating Advice from this Episode:
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