Marni welcomes renowned body-language expert Blanca Cobb to the show. When it comes to love, romance, and relationships, she helps singles find a partner who is worthy of love by using and understanding body language. She can help you to identify partners who love, care for, and respect you. Blanca has appeared in more than a thousand TV appearances and has been quoted in hundreds of popular publications.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Ladies, if you are dating a guy and he says romantic things that make your heart all a flutter but his expressions and actions don't match up it could be a red flag. Blanca says if a guy wants to be with you he will show up emotionally and physically. The more they want you the more they will touch you in caring and nurturing ways. Think putting their hand out when you are getting out of a car or putting their hand on your shoulder when walking through a door.
Gentle caring touches say a lot more about how someone feels about you than a passionate embrace.
When dating, a guy must have the body language that supports his statements. If they don't match his words don't matter.
When Your Clothes Say Feminine Energy But Your Body Language Shows Masculine Energy [13:01]
It can be difficult to transform into a feminine goddess right before a date, especially if date night turns out to be a Wednesday. And, trying to convince someone of what you are through words or instead of naturally showing someone is just about impossible. Your body language shows everything and guys can get confused about the signals you are sending.
Before a date, practice being feminine and flirty without overcompensating.
Blanca says a relationship goal is normally to have a man love you for who you are and not who you pretend to be. If you want a long-term relationship you must be yourself when dating. You can only pretend for so long and a relationship based on a false persona will make you both miserable.
Physicality matters. Blanca’s tips for dating:
What we do with our hands is an emotional barometer of how we feel in the moment.
Sending the Right Signals on a Video Date [29:32]
Video dating is here to stay. If a guy asks to video chat, try to make it as natural as a real-life date would be, if possible, look at the camera, not the screen, and have fun! Use a post-it note to remind yourself to look into the camera if you have to.
Dress like you are on a date. Because when you wear something you feel confident in, it will show through on the call. You should also be just a bit more animated in front of the camera during a video date. A playful nature can add some life to a flat projection on a screen.
Remember, everything is perceptible, and everything makes a difference. Transmit wisely.
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Marni and Chris reconvene to talk about the real-life dating lessons from the first new episode of Bachelor in Paradise 2021. Has Bachelorette Michelle been to a dating coach and does she know exactly how to find her perfect partner, probably not, but that is what makes this analysis useful and fun.
Key takeaways from this episode:
On Bachelor in Paradise, contestant Ryan is confronted by Bachelorette Michelle about some notes he has in his room. He had a folder that included information about Michelle and how to get attention during the season. Chris says it is normal for a guy to dig around the internet to find out more about someone he likes.
Michelle confronted Ryan and he took a defensive stance instead of owning up to what his intentions were. Michelle said goodbye to him then and there.
Marni says, if your ego gets exposed, fall on your sword because being defensive puts everyone on edge, and being honest about what happened will leave you with your peace of mind.
Marni encourages women NOT to search the internet about a guy before she meets them in person. She recommends taking the opportunity to create a connection with the other person first.
If you want to prepare for a date, instead of doing copious amounts of internet sleuthing, ground yourself and think about what you are curious to know about the guy.
Save Your Time to Spend on the Good Guys [15:21]
Michelle puts so much of her time and energy into a guy she knew wasn’t going to be her guy, she doesn't have time to spend time with the other 28 guys who are interested in her. The lesson from this is that in real-life dating, we shouldn’t waste energy on things we don't want or know won’t work out anyway. Think of the time wasted trying to figure out why someone ghosted you or the unrealistic expectations of waiting for a call from someone you don’t really like anyway.
Focus on what we want to bring into our lives, not what we don't want.
If you are dating it is important to remember the good guys are out there. Don’t waste your time on the wrong ones.
Respecting Boundaries versus Looking for Red Flags [23:12]
Going through someone's phone can be hard to resist especially if you just slept over for the first time, but Marni says don’t do it. If you want to know something about someone you should ask them directly. Looking through a bathroom cabinet or a bedside table and then making a snap judgment doesn’t give the other person the dignity of telling you about something themselves.
We find it hard to resist because our brains want to protect us from getting hurt. We may be thinking if we go through someone else stuff we will discover something that is a red flag but it is not a good vibe and certainly not a good way to start a relationship.
If you are dating a guy who has been a perfect gentleman and there are no issues, stay out of his private zone.
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Marni asks the Master Coach of the Institute for Living Courageously, Sherrie Toews, to explain ways to fix your online dating process to increase your chances of finding real love. For 25 years, Sherrie has been a licensed therapist in California. Her work focuses on what causes people to be stuck, and she creates a foolproof plan detailing how they can break through and acquire the skills needed to maintain a long-term lifestyle shift.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni and Sherrie share that they see attractive, reasonably smart people sabotaging relationships every day. Even if they think they are not sabotaging a relationship, they unconsciously are.
It all goes back to our belief system. In childhood, when we hurt or had to deal with something that wounded us we formed little Who's as coping mechanisms to keep us from getting hurt again. This can also happen in our teenage and early adult lives when the hurts and wounds were profound. Think once bitten, twice shy. The little Who's form negative beliefs about ourselves, our worthiness, and our lovability. Or, negative messages about other people, aka men.
If we don’t become clear about what we want from life, the little Who's will still be making our decisions unconsciously. When they appear, they can seem like the truth, but they are sabotagers that keep us stuck!
Even if you think you have read everything there is about getting unstuck, there still may be unconscious pieces that can wreck your dating results and block your path to finding real love.
An example of a limiting belief is — Men just want to have sex. Sherrie reminds us that when a high-quality guy is giving us a compliment about our beauty or shape, we will whittle it down to a derogatory comment. But, remember, men are physical, visual creatures.
No matter how smart you are you may still be a victim of limiting beliefs.
Shifting Your Mindset [9:17]
Are you too picky when you discount a guy after only seeing his profile? Sherrie says, making snap judgments about men is a way you are collecting evidence to fit into your limiting belief. The little Who is influencing your decisions!
Instead, if you look through the lens of being open-hearted, values-based, and extending men goodwill, and credit there is no such thing as settling. Be curious about who the picture you are looking at truly is.
We are made for connection. If you are looking for a man online you are searching for a connection.
Stop These Online Dating Mistakes Now! [17:57]
Promiscuous self-disclosure is a mistake many women make when messaging men before physically meeting them. They give out too much personal information such as family drama, medical trauma, or personal dharma. Throwing out issues to see what resonates with someone else is not healthy dating. It is not vulnerable.
Dating is a process. There is no need to tell someone everything about you on a first date, or worse, before ever meeting in person.
Other common mistakes are creating a false sense of connection through endless messages back and forth, not responding to date requests, and not dating more than one guy.
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As part of Marni’s contribution to the How to Actually Feel Worthy of Love Podcast Tour curated by Veronica Grant, client Janice Busing joins the show to describe the love connection she made after doing the work.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Before becoming a dating with dignity client, Janice was considering Where she was in her life. She was 56, single, not dating, and craving partnership. One morning Marni's email appeared in her inbox. That is when Janice realized that if she wanted to live her life fully now was the time to make a self-honoring choice.
It takes courage to admit that getting into partnership is something you care about and are ready to work on.
Janice knew she needed support and guidance. She had expanded her awareness but she was self-sabotaging by using her good life and clever stories to keep her out of a relationship. She thought the man for her had to be a certain way and had to offer her certain things. She was being picky and avoided dating. When she did date, she put demands and expectations on the other person based on her fears.
Janice had a base fear that she would never get what she wanted. She injected that fear into her relationships. When she released the fear and her limiting beliefs.
Attracting the Wrong Guy [12:59]
Janice had a deep-seated belief that she wasn't worthy of love. She had wounds from the past that were seeping out in her life making her feel unworthy of love.
Marni hears it all the time from women. Intellectually, they know they are worthy but their brains are wired to keep them safe. The brain needs prodding to look at a situation through a different lens.
Janice says when she decided to work with Marni she committed to do the work at 100%. She vowed to be honest, vulnerable, and open to the process. She said the coaches at Dating with Dignity heard what she was saying, even though she couldn't completely hear herself. It cracked her open. She created a new foundation.
Janice’s current relationship is the first relationship she walked into authentically.
Doing Dating Differently [17:13]
Creating non-negotiables was powerful for Janice. She came from a solid foundation of who she is and she finally thought about what would be good for her in a relationship.
When you do the work you can trust the process, Janice says. You start to date differently by integrating things into your life and relationship instead of pushing them and judging the other person if everything is not perfect. She realized she was deserving of an epic love.
We are not looking for perfection, we are looking for the ability to grow with a partner.
One core limiting belief that Marni hears over and over from her clients is that other women are lucky because they found the right guy, but the truth is that once you are into your worthiness it is about making different choices that are in alignment with who you really are.
Do the work and the right guy just might find you.
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Marni and Chris connect to extract real-life dating lessons from the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise. Unexpected break ups, playing the victim after heartbreak, and saying I love you first add to the intrigue and appeal as we say goodbye to yet another season.
Key takeaways from this episode:
At the beginning of the season, Marni and Chris agreed that James seemed like a good dude. When he started dating Anna everyone including her, thought it was a good solid connection. But as soon as Anna declared she wanted to follow through with a relationship, James snappishly said he wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship right now and took off with Aaron.
Marni says James is emotionally unavailable and he may never be satisfied. When producers asked, he couldn't pinpoint what was missing in the relationship with Anna. Likely, no one will ever be the right one.
Even if you are looking for a long-term relationship, if you don't do the work you will get the same results.
Aaron, who quickly rode off into the sunset with James, was dating Tia. His breakup with Tia was not the decent goodby that James gave Anna. Marni says it mirrored how 5th graders breakup, instantly and carelessly. Aaron feigned interest in Anna when answering to the producers but never fully committed because he is emotionally unavailable.
Is a guy really ready for a relationship?
If you are of a certain age and claim you want to be in a relationship — invest in it and be committed to it.
Natasha was a great example of what it looks like to date maturely.
How to Breakup Well [15:36]
The shocking breakup of the show was Abigail and Noah. Abigail told everyone she was in love with Noah but never mustered up the courage to tell him. She created something in her head instead of focusing on the facts. She seemed more interested in playing the victim to prove herself right rather than starting a relationship.
By telling the woe-is-me story you stay in a woe-is-me situation.
How to stay composed during a heartbreak?
During a break up emotional meltdowns can happen. The important part is how you repair the situation afterward.
It is easy to fall into unhealthy defaults if you don't stay mindful. The universe will keep showing you what you need to learn. Feedback and support from a relationship expert can help.
Who Should Say I Love You First [33:40]
Marni is open-minded about who should say I love you first. As long as it comes from a place of wholeness, not from a place of fear. The guy doesn't need to say it first. Let go of the rules.
Serena decides to tell Joe she loves him. He admits he was going to tell her later in the date. Joe is an authentic guy who dates maturely.
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Marni welcomes relationship expert Jayson Gaddis into the Den to discuss lessons gleaned from his latest book, Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships. In addition to being an author and coach who teaches people how to do relationships, Jayson is also the host of the long-running The Relationship School Podcast.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Jayson defines conflict as a rupture, disconnection, or an unresolved issue between two people. Conflict can be voiced or the stuff we are not saying. We are all challenging when it comes to interpersonal dynamics. especially if we live together.
Silence is one of the worst conflicts. It can be extremely brutal for some. Those most susceptible to silence or a lack of response can make stuff up in their mind to fill the space — especially with those who are triggered by abandonment or rejection.
Jayson adds that the most successful relationships he has witnessed are those where both partners are willing to embrace conflict and get better at it over time.
Getting to Zero [11:01]
Many people do not know how to work through conflict. They may be scared to lose the other person and lean into manipulation or childish behavior. Jayson says, it can make us feel vulnerable to put ourselves out there and humans are naturally sensitive to rejection.
The right person wants to create a connection and get to zero. What is zero? In his book, Jayson describes zero as a happy place where both partners feel good and connected. A baseline. We want to have a baseline that feels safe, secure, and good.
Conflict can rupture the baseline. Returning to baseline (zero) as a couple is the goal. One person can't do it alone. It takes two.
Become a Relational Leader in a High-stakes Relationship [16:32]
We often get hurt and angry during a conflict but someone has to be the first to initiate repair and interconnection. A leader has to realize what is good for the relationship and do the right thing.
Relationship Tip — When you are in a conflict or snag, decide how you can get zero as a team. You want to have multiple ways to get back to zero.
One way is to stay in the same room and look each other in the eyes. Jayson says, when we are not looking our partner in the eye we go into memory and all the negative memories can bubble up.
When dealing with conflict in a relationship, maintain eye contact. See the person, not the story.
People want relational space to be fair. And, fair is taking responsibility for your 50% of the relationship. Fair means both partners are invested in finding the solution to conflict.
Relationship Tip — Consider the three entities in your relationship. You, your partner, and your relationship. Each needs to be nurtured and understood.
Fighting and conflict are what lead us to deeper understandings of ourselves and each other.
Anytime you avoid outer conflict you are creating inner conflict because you are withholding your truth. You betray yourself to keep the connection.
Relationship Tool — LUFU: Listen Until they Feel Understood
If the security of a relationship is threatened by the behavior of one, move on because the relationship is not safe for both people.
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Marni and Chris join forces to dissect the real-life dating lessons extracted from the 3-hour case studies openly provided by Bachelor in Paradise. The contestants may be on TV, but they date just like the rest of us.
Key takeaways from this episode:
When something feels off, it can be a tough thing to decipher. Is it your intuition speaking out? Are you imagining it? Or, is self-sabotage rearing its ugly face. Does the other person feel it too?
In the show, Kenny feels that something is off with Mari yet he says nothing. Mari on the other hand feels that something is off with Kenny because he is acting differently after saying ‘I love you’.
Marni says as soon as a relationship starts to get deep, people get vulnerable but then second guess the feelings they just shared. Chris adds that it is hard for a guy to admit they are insecure or scared about how a relationship is going and to have relationship conversations.
The faster you can tell your partner something feels off, the better. Telling your friends or therapist doesn't get you closer to understanding what is going on.
Staying Positive When You Feel Rejected [11:59]
James, McKenna, and Abigail all have experience with being rejected but they all handle it differently. James is confident, resilient, and seems not to take rejection personally. When Aaron tells McKenna he is working through some stuff, she immediately lashes out and calls him a jerk. And, Abigail just sabotages herself by acting coy when Noah openly shares his feelings for her.
If you take too long to lean in, someone with self-worth may not wait for you.
Abigail set herself up. She didn’t ask Noah clear questions when they began dating. Even after Noah breaks up, Abigail doesn’t take the opportunity to ask why.
If a guy tells you what he is feeling, if it's not what you want to hear, don't blame him.
If you want a clear answer, ask a clear question
What To Do When You Catch Someone in a Lie [34:45]
If you are casually dating someone and you catch them in a lie if they are your person, check-in and ask them what's up. If they are not your person, Marni says you don't need to confront them.
On the show, a guy told a lie to Chelsea and she didn’t confront him with it because she probably didn't care enough about him to enough to say something.
Ladies, if you are in a relationship you have to address it. You have to find out why. Chris admits to lying about his age when online dating to outwit the algorithm.
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Marni welcomes behavioral scientist turned dating coach and author Logan Ury into the Den to discuss the top dating tips from her book, How Not to Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love. Logan is the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, where she leads a research team that specializes in helping people find love.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Many women discount dating quality men because a man doesn't check every single box for them. Logan says people are wrong about who they think they should be with. She recommends dating like a scientist. Collect evidence and be curious.
The key is to have an open mind while figuring out what kind of person will make you happy. Then, test your assumptions.
Logan points out the three types of dating tendencies —
Why You Should Start Dating Now [9:47]
Dating is a relational dynamic that occurs between you and another person. People can spend years doing personal development work to get ready to date but the only way to truly prepare is by dating. Ladies, you can’t just sit in your living room.
Logan points out that a lot of people have been hurt in the past. And many, date from a place of fear. They want to protect themselves against future hurts. But, people can work on themselves while they are meeting people.
We are all works in progress. Marni adds that we never know what our intimacy challenges are unless we put ourselves out there.
Demystifying the Spark [13:45]
The ‘spark’ has become the word that describes feeling butterflies when a person is attracted to another person. Logan warns that many people expect to have a RomCom moment where they will know right away if it is love, but she says it's not likely that it will happen.
3 Myths of the Spark
Logan says f**k the spark and go for the slow burn. Choose someone reliable, shows up for you, and is the person you can grow into love with instead of starting off hot.
Tips for Online Dating [20:27]
As the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, Logan sees the data of dating. She says the pandemic caused a sort of Relationship Renaissance. People are being more intentional in dating. People want intimacy and connection more than casual hook-ups.
Tips to maximize your video date:
Face-to-face communication was difficult during the pandemic. When you get down to brass tacks it is the value of relationships that stands out. Intimate relationships have become more important to people. Dating is more important to people now. And, as a result, people are showing up with the intention to find a partner.
Be empowered! The guy doesn't have to come to you. Dating should be fun and playful & it's not about playing hard to get.
Make a Connection:
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