Info

Life Check Yourself

Each week on the podcast, hear Marni Battista, Founder and CEO of The Institute For Living Courageously, interview the world’s top experts in how to help people live more meaningful and impactful lives.
RSS Feed Subscribe in Apple Podcasts
Life Check Yourself
2024
March
February
January


2023
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2022
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2021
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2020
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2019
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2018
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2017
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2016
December
November


All Episodes
Archives
Now displaying: 2022
Dec 27, 2022

Marni, Chris and Dr.Emily, get into the sticky business that is money, especially when it comes to couples. They point out the issues that surface (or don’t for some) with the couples on reality TV show, Love is Blind, and ponder what we can learn from them. The situations that arise on the show mimic much of what goes on with us in our own personal lives, and we’re forced to take a hard look at our own values surrounding money. When is it the right time to start talking about it? Is a prenup a no-no? Is there a deeper meaning to be gleaned from asking for one? We all wonder about how to broach the topic once things start taking a turn for the serious, but it remains a sensitive subject where we’re required to tread carefully. 

 

Takeaways from this episode:

- When to set a financial plan with your partner

- Disagreeing isn’t the same thing as gaslighting 

- What’s the code of conduct when it comes to talking money?

- Leave Open-casting in 2022

- Instagram isn’t a good indicator of who a person is

- Financial infidelity is a thing

 

Does a Prenup Undermine the Commitment? [08:03]

On Love is Blind, Marni draws our attention to two couples, Nancy and Bartiste, and Brenon and Alexa. Now with the first couple, Nancy is older and more well-established. When discussing money, she speaks of sharing their assets, and Bartiste’s reaction is almost like that of the cartoon character whose eyes morph in dollar signs at the mention of money. A little worrying, but okay. 

With the second couple, Alexa mentions a prenup, and Brenon is open to the idea. But whether you relate more to the first couple (Bartiste’s reaction was a bit of a red flag, though) or the second couple, when it comes to relationships, a financial plan needs to be set in place. At the very least, you need to be in alignment where your values are concerned. 

It’s about looking at your non-negotiables and the core values you have surrounding money, and then discussing them with your partner. When it comes to prenups, there’s no right or wrong route to take. It depends on what you feel more comfortable with. And let’s break the taboo around prenups. 

Having a prenup isn’t saying that the marriage won’t work. It’s more about talking openly in terms of how you’d like the income and the assets to be split, in a way that makes everyone comfortable. Because that’s what’ll save you from arguments around finances in the future. 

 

Is He Cheating Financially? [13:26]

Hiding your wealth, or not being transparent in terms of your assets when in a relationship is financial infidelity. It’s a form of deceit where you’ve kept a secret in the form of a hidden account, or a credit card, let’s say. If you’re going to share your life with someone; you’re going to have to have these conversations regardless of how uncomfortable they are. And be transparent about them. 

You have to be courageous about it. 

Let’s face it, talking about money isn’t always pleasant but if this is the person you choose for yourself, then it’s probably a good idea to get insight on their relationship with money. How did they grow up around money? What were their beliefs in relation to that? How did their parents handle the finances? Because all of this comes back as the relationship progresses.

The you that’s afraid today is going to be different than the you in 10, 20, or 30 years.

Marni shares her own personal experience with forming a financial plan with her partner. And she elaborates that while they’d already set up a plan when they’d first started out, fast-forward to 30 years later, where they’ve built a whole life together, and it’s time to revisit that plan. Your initial plan doesn’t have to be set in stone. It changes as your relationship evolves, much like everything else. 

 

When Gender Roles Come into Play [20:35]

Gender roles are constantly morphing with women gaining more independence financially, and a prominent presence within the working force. So, inevitably that plays a role in the dynamics. How you navigate that, however, is between you and your partner. But it needs to be discussed. 

Marni points to Raven who almost seems to expect SK to pay for everything. Even though she hammers on about being an independent woman, she expects SK, who’ll be doing grad school in Berkley, to pay for both her apartment in Texas and his apartment in Berkley. She doesn’t want to move in with him, but at the same time, she seems to be saying that once they’re engaged, he’ll have to pay for everything for her. The host and guests agree that her behavior is extreme. You can’t really have your cake and eat it. Well, unless you’ve discussed it with your partner and he’s okay with it but it’s still a red flag. So…maybe don’t do that. 

In any case though, it is important to acknowledge that your financial plan will evolve as your relationship does. And there’s no one-size fits all because every couple, family, and relationship is different, but you get to choose what works for you, even if it means bringing in a professional to help you sort it out. 

These conversations evolve as dating progresses. So, we’re talking about communication, negotiation and compromise.

 

Make a Connection:

 - Visit Our Website

 - Subscribe to our Youtube Channel

 - Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!

 - Follow Along On Marni and Jeremy’s Radical Living Challenge!

 - Download A Complimentary Copy Of Our Book — How To Find A Quality Guy Without Going On 200 Dates

Dec 17, 2022

Marni and Chris take a look at the interactions between the contestants on reality show, Love is Blind, to decipher the ranking code men have for women. Should it be abolished? What even is it based on? And why do we allow men to rank us to begin with? As they navigate through the show’s hottest drama, the duo discusses whether there is such a thing as too much honesty; why men do the things they do; and how women should respond to certain behavior. They ponder whether women are indeed from Venus, and men from Mars. Spoiler alert: they are, respectively. 

 

Takeaways from this episode:

  • Down with the ranking system
  • How much honesty is too much honesty?
  • How to optimize what you have 
  • The medium is the message
  • Should you give stock to his intentions?
  • What’s the open-casting approach?

 

The Open-casting Approach Should be a Lifestyle, Not a Trend [01:52]

First things first. The title, open-casting should be abolished, but the approach itself stays. So, what is the open-casting approach? It’s what Life Check Yourself podcaster Marni, and her many guests, have been preaching for over a decade now. And apparently, it’s recently become a trend on the dating scene. 

The approach entails dating with an open mind, rather than only dating according to your type. In keeping an open mind, and an open heart, while sticking to your core values, you cast a wider net. By doing that, you won’t miss out on meeting incredible people that might otherwise fly under your radar, if you’re too rigid with your criteria. 

It shouldn’t be a trend for 2023, I think that’s how you should be living your life; to be open, curious and optimistic. 

Open-casting should be a way of life when it comes to falling in love. Because when you start adding too many filters in terms of what you want in a person, inevitably your dating pool shrinks. And you could be missing out on great opportunities, regardless of their final outcome. 

 

Is He Too Honest? [04:45]

Bartiste and Cole are two men that are super honest on the show. But sometimes too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. So, how do we know where the balance lies and where the line is? 

It’s all about intention. Chris explains that a lot of the time, men don’t intend the comment to come off offensively. And that’s why it’s important to look at the intention behind the comment your partner is making. He goes on to note that a lot of men by nature are competitive, so when they’re compared to someone else, or given a certain criticism, it actually motivates them to do better. In turn, that’s the tactic they’ll use when trying to nudge their partner in the right direction. However, with women, that approach doesn’t necessarily work. So, how do we meet in the middle? It’s more about how you say something as opposed to what you’re actually saying. And of course, whether you’re saying it to put the person down, or to lift them up. 

The unavoidable truth is men and women are different in a lot of ways, which is what makes our interactions together that more interesting. Even when it comes to compliments, women don’t go about it the same way men do. Women are good with the subtle things, adds Chris. Men? Not so much. 

We’re so incredibly direct and blunt. And it’s just tough for us to articulate and dance that intricate beautiful dance that women just seem inherently good at. 

 

Abolish the Ranking System; Let Them Eat Cake [14:28]

While we all rank the person in front of us to a certain extent, this specific ranking system is more detrimental than it is constructive or even accurate. 

When discussing Cole and Bartiste, Marni points out that the way they offered rankings for the different women on the show was simply offensive. Because once you’ve put it out there; it becomes difficult for your partner to unsee it. Obviously, there’ll always be someone more attractive, just like there’ll be someone less attractive. But in this particular discussion, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When dating, it should be more about the person you’re with being who they are; their ranking – if we must have one – should automatically be a 10. And it’s not just because they’re physically attractive. It’s so much more than that. 

Like obviously I know when a woman is drop dead gorgeous, yeah, she’s a 10. But I’m your 10. 

Chris adds that men, himself included, will sometimes date a woman not necessarily because they see her as a 10, but because they know their friends will see her as such. And they’ll want to show off that they can get that 10. But regardless, the way men rank is binary and superficial. When it comes down to it, the actual ranking should come from knowing the person and should include so much more than the physical. Conclusion? Dump the ranking system – and the ones still using it while you’re at it. 

 

Make a Connection:

 - Visit Our Website

Subscribe to our Youtube Channel

 - Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!

 - Follow Along On Marni and Jeremy’s Radical Living Challenge!

 - Download A Complimentary Copy Of Our Book — How To Find A Quality Guy Without Going On 200 Dates

Dec 16, 2022

Marni welcomes Dave Neal in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they discuss what some of us could be doing wrong when it comes to dating. Using the contestants on the Bachelor as a point of reference, they talk about the different types of men (and women), and how they come off versus who they really are. Dave is a podcaster dubbed by Marni as the “King of Bachelor Nation”, and a stand-up comedian. Marni and Dave ponder why the behavior of some of the contestants hits so close to home. Falling in love is tough business, and sometimes you need to put in the work and accept that maybe you’re letting your ego get in the way. In this episode, the duo talks about how to look past the superficial, and who to give a chance to and when. And more importantly, why no one is living up to the idea you’ve built for yourself of the right person. Because sometimes it really is you, and not him. 

  • Even pretty people have insecurities
  • How to keep your ego from getting in the way
  • Who are the ones you should root for?
  • Get to know the person, not his CV
  • How he handles rejection is a good indicator of who he is
  • Intimidating and bossy isn’t a good color on you



What’s Your Security Currency [03:30]

Think of the word security. What images does it drum up? Each one of us has a specific perception of what security looks like. For some, it might be the high-paying job; for others it might be compassion. We each define security through our own unique lens, and that’s why it looks different for different people. 

 

Dave explains that regardless of all the varying definitions of the concept of security, it all boils down to energy and power. He goes on to paint a picture of the woman with the high-paying job, who for her, finding someone more creative is what she yearns for. Dave emphasizes that while we don’t always know exactly what we can do to be more attractive to someone else; we can glean much of what we do wrong by observing the behavior of the contestants on the Bachelor. And one of them is accepting that we’re all attracted to different things. What security looks like for one person, looks completely disparate to someone else.    

What’s more is that women also sometimes forget that men have the same fears, doubts, and worries that we all do. 

 

Women are dating and they have this illusion that if the guy is out of their league or really good-looking, that he’s not going to have insecurities and be human. 

 

This is a trap a lot of us fall into, where we need to remind ourselves that we’re all human; we’ve all got insecurities; we all second-guess ourselves; and we all fall short sometimes. 

 

Fall in Love with Values, Not a Bank Account [10:16]

A lot of women want it all and don’t want to make a compromise. They’re hyper focused on the financials rather than the values the person in front of them holds. At the end of the day, you’re building a life with a person, not with a bank account. We’ve seen this scenario unfold over and over again, not just on the bachelor but IRL, where women won’t give the person the time of day unless they’ve made it. 

 

Dave uses the example of Kate and Logan from the Bachelor, where she’s somewhat shallow and only looking for financial security. Logan is a filmmaker and a musician; he’s a creative. And he knows how to hold his own in a conversation. And yet Kate doesn’t find him “successful” enough. It’s not only about dating someone who’s made it, sometimes it’s about going through the journey with him, and believing in the person standing in front of you.

 

That’s one of the biggest mistakes that women make where the list of what they want is so high, and it’s not about values or who someone really is. 

 

People are multifaceted, and while it’s important to fall in love with the person and not the potential, it’s equally vital to look past the superficial, and really get into what this person has to give and who they are. We can’t all be billionaire hedge-fund scions, and maybe that’s a good thing. 

 

The Good Ones Know How to Handle Rejection [17:08]

How he handles rejection is a good indicator of who he is. Danny notes that with the women (and the men on the show), they’re all very good-looking. And for the women, IRL they probably don’t get rejected that often. Going off that, he explains that how you handle rejection, as a man or a woman, shows a different side of you. 

 

When talking about men specifically, the podcaster emphasizes that the ones who handle rejection well are more likely than not, one of the good ones. They’ve been rejected before; it’s not the end of the world. And to a certain extent, rejection humbles them. It allows them to put their ego aside.

Make a Connection:

 - Dave Neal's Bachelor Rush Hour Podcast

 - Visit Our Website

 - Subscribe to our Youtube Channel

 - Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!

 - Follow Along On Marni and Jeremy’s Radical Living Challenge!

 - Download A Complimentary Copy Of Our Book — How To Find A Quality Guy Without Going On 200 Dates

Dec 10, 2022

Marni and Chris analyze the couples on reality TV show, Love is Blind, and dig into how and why their behaviors change once they’re out of the pods. They draw parallels between the contestants’ actions on the reality show, and our own interactions with our partners when we’re dating IRL. Marni and Chris ponder why our insecurities manifest when we’re dating, and how they, in turn, affect the person in front of us. Asking the questions that matter, and giving us the answers, of course, the duo delve into the intricacies of romancing and all that comes with. 

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - Get crystal clear on what you need

 - Is honesty always the best policy? 

 - Why are second dates scarier than first dates?

 - His words need to match his actions

 - How to let him tear that wall down

 - When to accept his apology 

 

He’s Projecting His Baggage Unto You [04:20]


After a certain age, we’ve all got baggage. And in a lot of scenarios, we project that baggage onto the person in front of us. That being said, sometimes what he says is not about you at all, but about his own insecurities. This was clearly the case with Shake and Deepti. Shake was consistently projecting his own baggage on Deepti. And it’s not necessarily that he was a D-bag; he just had low self-worth. Marni points out the time that Shake tried to find out Deepti’s weight by subtly asking if she’d be able to get up on his shoulders at the concert. However, it wasn’t so much that he was worried about her weight or size, but rather about his own size. It became clear that Shake felt like he was small, and projected that onto his partner on the reality show. 

This is the case IRL: the people with the lowest self-esteem are, a lot of the times, the same ones who are constantly picking apart someone else. In that case, it’s not you, it really is him. 

 

Why is Dating so Scary? [07:45]


Once out of the pods, it almost seemed like a lot of the contestants wanted to go back to how things were in their pods. And that’s not so different from real life, where we’re constantly wondering why our partner can’t be more like how they were in the beginning, when it all first started.  

Chris draws a similarity between leaving the pod and going on a second date. Leaving the pod is kind of like getting past the first date and actually realizing that the person likes you. He explains that the reason second dates are scarier than first dates is because of the expectation we put on ourselves. On a first date, it doesn’t really matter what happens. But once you make it to that second one, the takeaway from the first date is that you and that person like each other; they’re going to start finding out who you really are. It’s time to get deeper; it’s time for you to show up and get to know one another. And that can be terrifying, because it’s at that point that you’re scratching the surface of who the person really is. 

It’s almost like they want to climb back in that womb, and have that pod, that safety. It’s a safer place.  

 

Let Him to Tear Down That Wall [09:28]


Most of us have a wall built up; one that we’ve carefully cemented over the years after having our hearts broken over and over. But, how do we know when it’s time to let our partner break it down? 

When Alexa eventually decided to lean into Brennon, it was after she’d repeatedly put her flaws and insecurities out there.  She was constantly searching for validation from him, and it almost seemed like she was pushing him away. Once she realized that Brennon was here to stay, she eventually started trusting him and opening up. It was only when Brennon proved to be patient, and showed his vulnerability, that she, in turn, did the same. He didn’t get discouraged and he didn’t run for the hills. His actions matched his words. And Alexa heard him and gave in. There is a caveat though, it’s that line that we need to carefully tread between being upfront about who we are versus constantly droning on about our insecurities and whether the person can handle us. Marni explains that pushing someone away too much, and consistently, might sometimes go too far and you end up missing out. 

There comes a moment where you have to lean in and you have to trust yourself enough to know that even if it doesn’t work out, you’re going to be okay. 

When dating, going in with an open heart and mind sometimes pays off. Being curious and optimistic is difficult but worth it. That doesn’t have to be the case with every single guy, but trust yourself enough to know the difference, and that you’ll get back up if it doesn’t work out. After all, isn’t part of the beauty of falling in love is the risk that comes with it?

Make a Connection:

 - Visit Our Website

- Subscribe to our Youtube Channel

 - Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!

 - Follow Along On Marni and Jeremy’s Radical Living Challenge!

 - Download A Complimentary Copy Of Our Book — How To Find A Quality Guy Without Going On 200 Dates

Dec 9, 2022

Marni welcomes award-winning food and health journalist Carolyn Williams in the Life Check Yourself studio, to discuss a topic that has long plagued women (and men): our bodies. The author, dietician and mother of two, shares her own journey with food and discusses the culprit behind many of our physical ailments. Marni and Carolyn delve into what a healthy diet actually means and how to get on the right track when it comes to eating clean. And good news is that restriction isn’t, contrary to popular belief, not the way to go. Winner of the 2017 James Beard Foundation Award, Carolyn traces much of today’s health issues back to low-grade chronic inflammation. The journalist breaks down what inflammation actually is and how it contributes to conditions like diabetes. 

 

Takeaways from this episode:

  • Forget the diet mentality
  • How you can cure bloating
  • Throw out the stereotypes associated with food
  • Our eating habits are part of our identity
  • What exactly is inflammation and why should you care?
  • Be conscious of how food makes you feel

 

Carbs Aren’t The Enemy [04:31]

 

Carbs aren’t actually bad for you; what is bad is the way you consume them. According to Carolyn, we tend to overdo carbs and ignore a lot of the foods that have the nutrients we need. These foods include beans, fruits and vegetables. However, the dietician explains that rather than paint carbs as the villain, it’s more about changing our mindset and re-shifting the way we look at carbs. That being said, deprivation isn’t the answer to our diet.

To change our mindset, we need to take notice of what we eat and how it makes us feel. If there are certain foods that make us feel heavy or lethargic, then we take note of that. Once we’re conscious of the way in which our body interacts with certain foods, it becomes easier to leave behind the bad diet rules. And each person, each body is different. 

If you’re going to be who you really are in the world, and be really present for you, then why would you not fill the container in a way that allows you to express who you are? 

 

Chronic Inflammation is Always Running in the Background [07:18]

 

Carolyn’s own journey with food is what led to her discovery and subsequent deep-dive into the subject of inflammation. By exploring and asking the right questions, the journalist studied how inflammation actually affects our body (and inevitably our mind) and to what extent. While low-grade chronic inflammation might not be the cause of auto-immune diseases, diabetes and a myriad of other conditions, it is a contributor to the development of these ailments. Carolyn likens it to a silent motor constantly running in the background. And the food we eat is what contributes to inflammation. 

 

Inflammation is Actually a Reaction of Your Immune System [13:28]

 

At its core, inflammation is designed to protect us; it’s not technically bad. When we run a fever (inflammation), for example, it’s our body’s way of defending itself. But inflammation is meant to be acute and short-acting – once the job is done, it bids our body farewell. However, with chronic inflammation it’s constant and subtle. And that’s where the issue is. 

A little bit of low-grade chronic inflammation is a small contained fire. And maybe it looks like you haven’t been able to exercise, or you’re more sedentary, that kind of thing. 

Carolyn explains that chronic inflammation is a result of our modern lifestyle, the way we ingest food and the type of food we ingest. Unlike acute inflammation, chronic inflammation won’t disappear unless you actively take the steps necessary to eliminate it. It’s constantly there wreaking havoc on our bodies, slowly, silently and stealthily. Unless you make active changes to your diet, it’ll continue on. That’s not to say that we need to cut out everything labeled “bad” or deprive ourselves. But rather, to make a conscious effort to get in the nutrients that we need.

 

Make a Connection:

Dec 3, 2022

Marni and Chris break down the dos and don’ts of dating. The duo takes a look at the behavior of the single men and women on reality tv show, Love Is Blind, as they navigate through the messy game that is love. Much of what the contestants do on the show mimics our real-life interactions with each other in today’s dating scene. Marni and Chris consider why it is that people act the way they do in certain situations. They dissect the personas we all put on when meeting someone for the first time; and they question the little quirks we all bring to the table and how they affect the way we present ourselves. 

 

Takeaways from this episode:

  • Show who you are, don’t yell it
  • Too much mystery isn’t a thing, find a balance
  • It’s not about what you do as much as it is about who you are
  • Meet your date’s energy
  • Don’t lay it all out on the first date

 

When He Tells You Who He is, Believe Him [13:04]


Your non-negotiables are your lifeline when it comes to dating. That being said, falling in love with potential isn’t the same as falling in love with a person. Marni draws a comparison between the couples on both the Bachelor Paradise and Love is Blind, and the way women, sometimes, behave IRL when dating. Many of us go into a relationship - knowing that our partner doesn’t meet our non-negotiables - out of this conviction or hope that one day they’ll somehow meet our checklist. And that is despite the fact that our partner has been upfront about who they are from the get-go. We just chose not to believe them. What ends up happening is that we waste time; and to add insult to injury, we’re upset when they act in par with who they’ve told us they are. Listen to your partner when they tell you who they are. It’ll save both of you time, energy, and unnecessary disappointment. 

 

Don’t do Jumping-Jacks as Someone Pours Their Heart Out [16:40]


As Bartiste was sharing stories from his childhood and opening up, Raven seemed to think it was the most opportune moment for her to get her work-out in. It seems obvious, but maybe keep your donkey kicks until after your date is done telling you about their childhood traumas. 

How Raven behaved was not only rude, but dismissive and borderline mean. While she may, at first, come off as aloof, Marni argues that she’s actually someone who seems emotionally unavailable and not attuned to the person in front of her. And honestly, it really is cringe when the person you’re opening up to, decides to do something else, while you pour your heart out to them. Just don’t do it. 

 

Put Your Best Foot First, Don’t Shove it Through the Door [18:52]


We all have passions, hobbies, skills and things that we’re good at it. And it’s normal for everyone to want to present their best self when first dating. But there is a point when it becomes too much, as was apparent with several of the personalities on Love Is Blind. Both Colleen and Raven, made it a point throughout much of their encounters, to hammer in the fact that one is a ballerina and the other is into fitness. Marni believes that to a certain extent, constantly talking about what you do or what you’re good at on first dates shows a lack of confidence and self-worth. And quite frankly, it can be a turn-off. 

Rather than leading with what you do, Marni suggests leading with who you are. The fun thing about dating is you get to know the person as you go on more and more dates. So, instead of laying it all out, sometimes giving little bits and pieces without honing in on one particular skill (over and over) is the way to go. 

That’s what dating is, it’s to get to know if the idea of the person you have is really who the person is.

 

Make a Connection:

Dec 3, 2022

Marni welcomes Marc Sholes in the Life Check Yourself studio where they have an in-depth conversation about the human mind. The pair delve into existential questions we all have. Why do we act a certain way in our relationships? Why do we get obsessive when the person we like takes days to respond to a text? Why do we form certain patterns and how can we break them? Marc, who has over 25 years of experience in psychotherapy, is the author of “Reset Your Romantic GPS: Why You Steer Toward the Wrong Partners and How to Change Direction for the Better.” The psychoanalyst, and licensed clinical social worker who has helped individuals, couples and groups to get to the root of their ailments. In this episode, Marc and Marni look into attachment theory, and the different attachment styles that we develop as infants, and then take with us into our adult relationships. They discuss the tools and methods used in our road to recovery, and the sense self-empowerment that comes from standing still and being comfortable in the discomfort of our feelings. 

  • What’s attachment theory all about? 
  • Discomfort is not your enemy
  • It all starts in infancy
  • Your attachment style is your love language
  • Can another person make you whole?
  • How to change the patterns that don’t serve you

Internalized Feelings of Security are Your Lifejacket [04:04]

Marc paints a picture of two infants; one born having had their needs met consistently and the other having had their feelings ignored or neglected by their primary caretaker. It is at that stage that our attachment styles begin to take shape. 

The successful psychoanalyst explains that an infant who’s had their feelings responded to in a healthy fashion, will go on to internalize a sense of security and safety. And that internalized system is what they will go on to use in their interaction with the outside world. In the opposite scenario, the child will grow up with the crutch of constantly trying to create a bond with a partner, as a result of having had to do that as an infant. How an infant is responded to by their primary caretaker influences their own self-regulation and self-validation as an adult. Those of us with insecure attachment styles have had to find security outside of ourselves, whereas those with secure attachment styles have learned to internalize those feelings.   

That person becomes much more preoccupied with the other; how do I meet the other’s needs? What can I do to accommodate the other so the other will love me?

Marnie adds that the reason why people with insecure attachment styles stay in unhealthy relationships is because it feels familiar. It mimics those first few years as an infant where needs weren’t being met, and where the child felt insecure. 

Chasing Chemistry is an addiction [13:27]

In a relationship, you’re chasing that chemistry high. You’re pulled back again towards an intensity that you felt at a certain moment with your partner, and you’re willing to do anything to feel it again. The insecure individuals want to hold on to that feeling even though, in essence, it’s fleeing. In attempt to not lose the intensity with their partner, they start accommodating them, at times to their own detriment. Feelings from infancy resurface as they struggle to keep that connection with their partner. 

Their value has been what they can do for the other, not what the other can do for them.

Change the coordinates on your Romantic GPS [16:45]

All hope is not lost, though. An insecure attachment style can be altered, but it takes work. Marc divulges that the key to change that insecurity is to actively train yourself to become your own regulator, rather than being dependent on your significant other. Through mindful meditation, you’ll manage to change your attachment style. Only by being able to sit with your feelings, and embrace them, can you then begin to accept that it’s actually okay to have them. Discomfort is something that the experienced psychiatrist invites people to feel. Because discomfort is a healthy choice; it means that we’re putting in the work. 

It’s a way of realizing that you have it in you to be able to be that regulator and that the other doesn’t have to be that regulator - you have it inside of you.

Another practice that Marc encourages is taking note of your cravings. Understanding why you’re hankering for a certain food, and at what particular moment that manifests, helps with the why. It’s not about abstaining from your cravings but about understanding them and bringing them into your consciousness. Once you’re aware of why you’re making a certain choice, you can begin to change it. The questions you’re asking yourself at this point are empowering. 

Make a Connection:

Nov 27, 2022

Marni and Chris take a deep dive into the ups and downs of the relationships of the Bachelor Paradise’s contestants. Along with Dr.Emily, the trio contemplate the most prominent mistakes men and women make in relationships, and how their personality traits and behaviors affect their journey with their partners. While it may be a younger generation, we find that the traps the contestants fall into are very similar to the ones we still fall into, at any age, when out in the dating world. 

 

Takeaways from this episode:

  • Know your non-negotiables
  • Emotionally Regulate Yourself
  • Can you get rid of the ick? 
  • Context is Everything
  • Love is a verb, not just a word

 

Don’t Negotiate on Your Non-Negotiables [2:24]

 

The relationship between Kate and Logan is the epitome of what happens when you choose to date someone, who you know doesn’t tick off all the boxes on your check list. Marni points out, that rather than mistreating the “wrong” someone and putting them down, knowing your non-negotiables, will save you time, effort and quite frankly, a mean girl attitude. 

Marni explains that for her, there are five non-negotiables, and that getting clear on what those are for you is an important part of successfully dating. Once you’ve identified the values that you’re not willing to compromise on, it’s equally vital, to share them with your partner. We find a perfect example of this with Kate and Logan. Kate put Logan down, and admitted to him not having the traits she was looking for. And yet, she’d not had a single honest conversation with him about her non-negotiables. 

It’s not healthy for you or the person you’re dating, to stick around on the hope of them changing, or miraculously deciphering what your values are. 

Eventually, you’re going to come back with some vitriol or resentment or something and you’re just going to hurt the person. 

As Chris astutely explained it, you’ll end up hurting the person regardless, even when you’re trying not to, because of all the negative emotions that are pent up. 

Bottom line is, know yourself and don’t drag your partner along for the ride if he’s not the one you want in the driver’s seat, to begin with. 

The Ick: It’s you, not him [22:38]

 

As the story of Tyler and Britney unfolded, it was a clear manifestation of the anxious-avoidant trap that Chris had called it out earlier on, in the show. Where Britney seems to have a more avoidant personality type, Tyler comes off more as more needy. Dr.Emily explains that because the show was a controlled setting, the difference between those two personality types and how they might clash, wasn’t apparent. But, once out in the real world, however, that’s when Emily started to pull away. 

Feeling the ick because someone is too into you, though, might be a sign that internally you are not used to having someone consistently care about you, and rather than set boundaries, you run in the other direction. Marni explains that a lot of the times, women get the ick because their partner is too interested and they start leaning in, more and more. And that’s when it goes from an attraction to a sort of turn-off for the woman. But that’s not a healthy pattern. 

Chris gives his two cents by explaining that men are actually trainable. It’s more fulfilling, in the long run, to be with a man who checks on you too much than one who is completely aloof and checked out. Because the one who is too present is, more likely than not, the sweet guy, who’ll be there for the tough times. 

They’re in touch with their feelings and express them versus trying to beat it out. 

Britney didn’t need to put Tyler down the way she did, but rather have a conversation with him about space. The bad boys aren’t the ones who are going to be up with you at 4:00 AM stroking your hair while you feed baby, David. It’s the vulnerable, open ones, who are willing to give you what you deserve, that’ll still be standing when the smoke clears. 

 

Pink Flags Might Just be Worth the Risk [21:24]

 

Sometimes taking a chance on the person standing in front of you pays off. Exploring that curiosity that attracted you to the person in the first place, despite the pink flags, by going on dates and getting to know them, does eventually bare fruits – not always in the way you imagined, but it doesn’t make it any less extraordinary. 

Danielle continued seeing Michael and asking the right questions, and helping him work through his trauma, until they ended up moving to a more serious phase of their relationship. 

Marni refers to their relationship in mentioning that the slower you go, the faster you get there. And that’s what they did, the two contestants took their time to get to know each other. 

Dr. Emily mentions, that while she’s skeptical about whether or not, he’s actually ready for that type of relationship, it is clear that Michel is trying. 

Because historically, I think he sees any kind of pink flag, and he’s like, out the door. 

With Danielle, however, Michael seems to really be opening up, as Dr,Emily put it.

Taking your time to actually uncover what makes a person who they are, pays off, because we’ve all got a few pink flags at the end of the day. 

Nov 26, 2022

Marni welcomes Adele Spraggon in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they get into the nitty gritty of how to train your brain and break down patterns that have been influencing your relationships. Adele is an award-winning author, an international trainer and the recipient of the 2022 Women of Inspiration accolade. In this episode, Marni and Adele discuss the reasons why we react to our partners the way we do, how to recognize certain patterns in ourselves, and how to break the cycle of emotional distress that sometimes manifests in relationships. It’s a journey of self-empowerment wrapped in a 4-step process that starts by looking inwards, without judgment. Winner of the 2021 Top Behavioral expert title, Adele’s book, “Shift: 4 Steps to Personal Empowerment” has won several awards. 

  • It’s all about repatterning. 
  • How to change your reaction to your partner
  • How to make your relationship brand-new
  • Why do we fall into the same relationships over and over again? 
  • Breaking the Serial-Dating Pattern
  • Why do you keep having the same fights?

You’re Interacting with a Pattern, Not a Partner [05:38]

Adele explains that when meeting or interacting with a person, we’re actually interpreting them through our own set of past experiences. We’re not reacting to them, but to a pattern we’ve formed for them. 

Let’s think about the brain. It’s inside a dark silent room called a skull. It has no access to the outside world, so I can’t really know you.

We’re interacting to our own brain, rather than to the person standing in front of us. Adele goes on to emphasize that the brain is in a continuous process of rewiring itself. And to break certain cycle, repatterning – which is unearthing, understanding, and changing the internal patterns that are obstructing the relationship – is key. Reminding ourselves that we’re actually interacting with our own pattern, is an introspective process that allows us to find out why we’ve reacted to our partner’s behavior in a certain way. This eventually leads to the understanding that our reaction has more to do with us, than with them. 

A pattern is an intertwined physical sensation, emotion and thought. 

It is the patterns within us that we need to identify, deconstruct and reconstructed, in order to understand the why. And that’s part of the 4-step process that the award-winning author uses when working with couples. 

Your Mind is just Along for the Ride [ 12:14]

Triggers stem from the physical and emotional state, rather than from the mind. What a person’s mind essentially does, is take whatever sensory data it’s given, and weave a story out of it. 

If we could slow everything down, you would see the mind just following along.  

The mind is there to justify the emotions. But in order to recognize these patterns and start deconstructing them, we need to slow down, and ask ourselves the right questions. The first step in Adele’s process for training the brain, is being unapologetically honest with ourselves about our feelings. In a world that’s constantly putting pressure on us to alter ourselves, the expert explains that this process is not about changing or fixing a particular emotion but rather about embracing and understanding it. 

A Little Less Conversation, a Little More Introspection [18:57]

We’re not saying communication isn’t important, but rather how you’re communicating. Constantly trying to fix your partner or tell them what to do - something we’re all guilty of at one point or other - doesn’t work. Whereas, understanding the pattern that makes you react to them in a certain way, does. Your reaction to your partner’s behavior is a reflection of one of your patterns. Explaining those feelings to your partner, once you’ve explored them yourself, is the road to healing. 

It’s when someone needs to justify or defend how they’re feeling, or fix how they’re feeling, it causes the other brain, your partner’s brain, to also want to defend, justify and fix.

The four traps Adele says need to be avoided, and the same ones that keep those triggering behaviors cemented in the relationship, are justifying, analyzing, catastrophizing and rebelling. Our brains have been, throughout our lives, conditioned to analyze, and justify. So, don’t justify. Unless you’ve taken a moment to stand still, and accept how you feel, and what pattern that belongs to, the relationship becomes a vicious cycle that is constantly repeating itself, with no end in sight. 

What’s happening to your partner’s brain is every time you go down one of those traps, you’re pushing them into one of their traps.

Nov 19, 2022

Marni and Chris join forces to untangle the real-life dating lessons from this Hunger Games version of Bachelor in Paradise (BIP for the cool kids). Next week is the season finale so a lot of relationships are meeting their breaking point. And, Chris makes a BIG announcement about how to upgrade your male partner!

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 

  • The biggest mistake women make in relationships

  • Is it too soon to start dating again?

  • Finding someone new will not lessen your heartbreak

  • The success rate of ultimatums

 

Relationship Readiness [3:16]

 

One of the biggest mistakes women make in dating and relationships happens twice in this episode. As Marni points out, you can’t get under someone else before you are healed from your last relationship. For example; Eliza chooses Rodney but it doesn’t feel right so she runs to the next boy, and keeps chasing different men because she doesn't know what will make her happy. Marni’s advice for her is to take a pause to get her mind straight.

 

Then, Andrew reveals that he can’t get over Teddi breaking up with him in the second season. He just dates other people to try to feel better. He needs to deal with his feelings before going any farther with Ency, who apparently loves him after spending less than 24 hours with him. In a very short time, Ency’s leaking low self-esteem gave Marni the icks.

 

Many guys, when heartbroken, will try to find someone else. The idea that dating someone else will make you feel better or get over your heartbreak is immature.

 

Chris asks if it is not healthy for someone to get under someone else soon after a breakup, how will I know when it is time?

 

Marni says relationship readiness depends on when you are emotionally free from the past. There are no thoughts of your ex coming back, no resentment, and no dark thoughts. Your heart should be healed.

 

Only after getting back to normal should you test the waters to see if you are able to be with another person without comparing them to the ex.

 

Trust Your Intuition [17:58]

 

Ency chooses the ultimatum strategy to try and get Aaron to give her love. By threatening to leave him she used an age-old manipulative strategy that comes from a place of fear and control. It is an immature and volatile way to handle conflict. It’s a horrible way to try to get someone to love you.

 

During the show, Aaron and Genevieve have an off-camera fight. Aaron tells her that her feeling impatient and stressed is the same thing and that she shouldn’t feel that way. In a time when she needed empathy, he didn’t know how to give it. Ultimately, they don’t know how to resolve conflict. He is a mansplainer who deflects issues instead of dealing with them.

 

Marni shares a spoiler and some juicy gossip about Aaron!

 

Both Aaron and Genevieve have an anxious attachment style. Their interactions show the unhealthy ways people try to express themselves when they want to experience love. Somewhere deep down in her gut, Genevieve knows Aaron is not the right guy but she ignores her intuition over and over.

 

Fight for me” and ultimatum strategies are NOT ways to create connection or resolve problems.

 

Make a Connection:

 

Nov 18, 2022

Marni welcomes the head of Global Communications at OkCupid, Michael Kaye to the Life Check Yourself Studio. OkCupid is one of the world's largest dating apps. Previously, Michael served as a Product Communications Manager at LinkedIn and as a Sr. Global Communications Manager with OkCupid. He is an industry award winner who has been featured on ABC NEWS, Business Insider, Bustle, Cosmo, NYT, and more. He shares insider tips and best practices to help you find someone special.

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 

  • Insider tips for making the algorithm find the right match

  • How much time to spend dating online

  • Who should message first

  • How to get offline and into each other's arms

  • Big dating profile turn-offs

 

How Michael Became a Connection Guru [2:21]

 

In college, Michael didn't know how to find other men in his area. He found the safest and most discreet way was through dating apps. The great news is that he is still dating the person he met online eight and a half years later. One day, he received a DM from someone at OkCupid to see if he was interested in interviewing for a position. He accepted and the rest is history. He says he loves working for a company that helps people find love all over the globe.

 

Dating apps work because people aren't attending gatherings like they used to.

 

Marni says the pandemic helped make online dating mainstream and shifted people's perception about trying to find someone online. Michael adds that the pandemic trends were that people wanted a stronger emotional connection before a physical connection. Another trend was that women started to take control of their dating lives. They were sending more first messages than ever before and it paid off for them.

 

Women Should Send the First Message [10:18]

 

Michael’s advice is to really take some time into drafting the first message to someone with a profile you find intriguing. He shares the data on how to make your first message the best. He says if you don't have a positive outlook, then you shouldn’t reach out. Take some time for yourself because what you put into online dating is what you get out of it. If you don't put the time in, you won't get quality matches, you won't find that special someone.

 

Dating is a part-time job.

 

Insider Secret Tips:

  • There is a way to trick the system but you have to spend the time doing it.

  • Go online for a few minutes every day or every other day. If not, you may be missing connections.

  • Change something about your profile every few weeks.

  • Login every Sunday as it is the busiest day of the week.

 

Learn to work the algorithm and educate it about who you are interested in.

 

Data shows that more than 9 in 10 people on OK Cupid have average or higher than average self-confidence. It's important to be confident in who you are when dating. If not those insecurities will filter into any relationship. It creates an unhealthy relationship if you don't.

 

How to Move Things Offline [19:58]

 

Michael says that it is easy to get frustrated with online dating because so many first messages are just Hey or What's Up. He says to move the conversation from the app to an in-person meeting, is to not be shy and say something like … this app is killing my battery, here is my number, this moves the conversation from the app to a phone call, e-mail, or even face-to-face.

 

30% of OkCupid daters want to move the conversation off the app asap.

 

Biggest Red Flags in Online Dating:

 

  • 53% of daters on OkCupid say that being controversial or saying offensive things is a red flag.

  • 27% of daters say mentioning an ex on first dates is a red flag,

  • 20% of daters don't like it when the other person gets too drunk on a first date.

 

The biggest turn-off for people on an online dating app is people who put ---swipe left if - on their profile. Micheal advises that instead of focusing on deal breakers, highlight the dealmakers.

 

Make a Connection:

 

Nov 12, 2022

Marni and Chris analyze the relationship styles of the remaining Bachelor in Paradise contestants and contemplate what effect the new singles dropping in next week will have on a season that is almost over. And, even though the contestants are hot-bodied, 20‒30 somethings, we find out that their dating mistakes are not so far off from the rest of us.

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 

  • Trying to find love without a good foundation of what healthy love is

  • Why checking boxes isn’t enough for some women

  • What exactly is love-bombing?

  • Setting boundaries

 

Don’t Waste Your Precious Time on the Wrong Person [1:04]

 

Handsome Alex is a great example of how checking boxes isn’t enough. Chris Gillis thinks Alex left the show because he didn’t offer any of the super-cool, put-together ladies anything to dwell on. He didn’t have any emotional response and he wasn’t fun enough. He was a plain vanilla type of guy.

 

Marni points out that one of the people in a relationship must be responsible for asking questions that evoke emotions or lead to getting to know someone better. Alex didn’t do that.

 

Logan, Johnny, and Alex just didn’t have what it takes to fulfill Victoria or Kate’s desire to set up a house and eventually have children. Marni adds that empowered women know what they want.

 

If you want to fix him, don’t date him. A guy is going to be the same guy no matter how long you date him.

 

Recognizing that a guy doesn’t meet your non-negotiables is a clear sign to end it. There is no sense in prolonging a relationship because you think a guy is going to change. He won’t.

 

The Big Story on the Beach [10:36]

 

The big story of the show was Rodney, Eliza, and Justin. Eliza gave Rodney the rose and sent Justin home. Marni says if she were to coach Rodney, she would tell him not to say such creepy things as Eliza stood there crying. It was probably what turned her off.

 

Both Rodney and Justin seem like typical good guys. Even as Justin left, he was supportive and in dignity. Eliza said she wanted to be fought for and then when it happened she didn’t know how to handle it.

 

Eliza may not have a healthy idea of what love is, or what a healthy relationship is. This is what happens when someone can’t manage their feelings. When Eliza’s feelings got overwhelming, she shut down.

 

That being said, it is also not fair to think you can choose between two men in only four dates.

 

Some women sabotage a great guy because they like the bad-for-you guys.

 

What is Love-Bombing? [21:24]

 

When someone says they got love-bombed, what exactly does it mean? Marni clarifies that love-bombing is when someone tells you how amazing you are and begins future-based conversations without really knowing you. Then shortly after, they get critical about the things they ignored. It is a total F-boy tool.

 

When you are grounded in your self-worth and not dating from a place of scarcity you don’t get love-bombed or gaslit.

 

Make a Connection:

 

Nov 11, 2022

Marni welcomes Brett Parker to the show. Brett walked away from his former career as a successful Hollywood director in LA. The burnout and overwhelm created a disconnect from everything he valued including his five-year-old son. He discovered a simple, elegant process to break free from the feeling of disconnect. He has since devoted his life to helping clients find their dream careers with passion, focus, and impact.

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 

  • Creating the life you want

  • Stop making decisions from fear

  • Get clear about your why

  • Living your million-dollar story

 

Create the Life You Want [2:21]

 

Ladies, use this convo with Brett to remind you that every guy you meet has his own crazy going on in his life. After his divorce, Brett found it challenging, but in a good way. He focused on how he could show up to be the best dad because that was the most important thing to him. He was so burned out he felt as if he had no choice but to leave his previous life.

 

During a dark night on the couch, Brett decided to forget about all the limitations and create a list of his absolute wants and his non-negotiables. He says, we all have a choice and we either choose love or fear. The first step is to decide what we want. If we don’t know what we want, we remain stuck.

 

When we feel stuck it is because we have made decisions out of fear.

 

Brett’s Steps to Get Unstuck:

 

  • Walk down the road of fear. Consider the worst possible thing that can happen if you make a change.

  • Embody the emotions you want to feel now.

  • Get clear about what you want in your life.

  • Be committed to living your why.

 

If you are waiting for the fear to pass you may be waiting forever.

 

The Process of Reframing [11:46]

 

Marni asks Brett what to do when we can’t get clear about what it is we truly want. For example, when we know what we don’t want but can’t put our finger on what would make our future amazing.

 

Brett took the leap even though he was afraid he wasn’t going to be there for the people important to him. Yet, in taking action, he was the happiest he had ever been in his life. He began embracing everything that came his way. He was learning new things and he was beginning to embody his why. He started to feel like the luckiest person in the world.

 

Success or love may not look like what you think it should look like. Reimagine your future.

 

Make a Connection:

 

Nov 5, 2022

Marni welcomes an award-winning international dating and relationship expert. Hunt Ethridge has over 15 years of helping people become the best, most datable versions of themselves. He helps his clients empirically become more datable. His company trains matchmakers and dating coaches. You may have seen him on one or more than 100 media outlets, including Playboy and CNN.

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 

  • How to communicate with Men about sex

  • Use special phraseology to get what you want

  • Get empirically better at dating

  • How to give a compliment

 

How Do Men Learn to Be Good at Sex [3:29]

 

Many women ask Marni why they are not excited about having sex with their boyfriend or how they can get their partners to be better at sex. Hunt says men don’t have a lot of resources to go to for information about relationships and sex. It is hard for them to know what to do.

 

For men, sex is tied up with ego. And, the male ego is fragile. This is what makes it difficult to ask for relationship advice and not take the feedback as criticism. A magazine or porn isn’t the greatest way to learn about sex because of the stereotypical roles they portray.

 

There are ways for women to get what they want in bed without being critical or frustrated with their guy. Hunt says it’s all about the phraseology. Adding a positive aspect can make a guy feel comfortable enough to adapt to what his woman wants.

 

Every woman has a different manual when it comes to physical touch.

 

Get Empirically Better at Dating [9:22]

 

Marni asks how women and men optimize themselves to find the right person. Hunt says luck favors the prepared mind. The essence of dating is to understand the value systems of your culture and try to exemplify them.

 

Empirically better dating is just a series of little extra skills that make you a more interesting, likable, person.

 

When dating, it is normal for people to ask logical questions hoping to get some conversation starter nuggets. But, in doing that Hunt says, we don’t set the stage for chemistry to flourish. We ask logical questions expecting to get an emotional result. Hunt offers examples of how logical questions can be asked emotionally.

 

Reframing a question can lead to emotional responses and help put us in a positive light.

 

Compliments are low-hanging fruit. But, if you give a compliment with a personalized touch it will mean so much more to the person.

 

Make a Connection:

 

Nov 4, 2022

Marni and Chris are joined by Dr. Emily to dish about what went terribly wrong on this week’s Bachelor in Paradise. In addition to extracting the real-life dating lessons demonstrated on the show, they share the contestants they identify with, and who their favorite contestants are.

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 

  • Power dynamics in relationships

  • Settling for the guy who shows you attention

  • The importance of shared values

  • Age-gap relationships

 

Gender Role Confusion on BIP [2:18]

 

Eliza and Rodney decided they were made for each other then Justin came back. Uh oh! Eliza asks if she can go on a date with Justin and Rodney says yes, but why? In the real world, many women are confused about power dynamics. They send confusing messages to men about how much power they want in a relationship because they were taught conflicting messages about what masculine and feminine dynamics are in a relationship.

 

Direct and honest communication is the best gift you can give another person.

 

Just because a guy says he is falling for you doesn’t make him “the one.” Almost all of the women on the show are emotionally fragile. They seem to be stuck on the guy that chooses them instead of weighing out their options. A lack of self-worth is what makes us settle for every guy that gives us attention.

 

Victoria Falls for Johnny [17:07]

 

What is it about Johnny that made Victoria crumble this week? Does he have F-boy kryptonite, or is it because he hangs out with the popular kids? He told Victoria he wasn’t good enough for her and he clearly doesn’t have the same values. Yet, as soon as she saw his brokenness and puppy dog face, she was hooked.

 

Toxicity [25:54]

 

Genevieve and Aaron are an example of how NOT to resolve conflict and how NOT to move forward in a relationship. These two are toxic together. Getting angry and defensive doesn’t solve anything. They both seem to have emotional issues and like drama.

 

Chris says this tactic won’t last. Eventually, one partner is going to give up and stop chasing the drama.

 

Make a Connection:

 

Oct 29, 2022

Marni and Chris chew on all the juicy morsels that were this week’s Bachelor in Paradise which was hands-down the most interesting and real-life episode so far. The examples on the show prove you can have an amazing date one night and have another amazing date with someone else the next night.

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 

  • Learn not to take things personally

  • It takes some people longer to process how they feel

  • What real-life Dating with Dignity looks like #BeAVictoria

  • Infatuation and chemistry are not values

 

Dating Multiple People [2:49]

 

The big switch took place in Casa Amor this week. Contestants have shuffled around and landed with different people to date. Surprisingly, none of the guys said anything negative about the girl they decided to quit seeing.

 

When you are contemplating why someone didn’t ask you out on another date, maybe it’s not that all men are malicious or there is something wrong with you, it could just be they found a better connection with someone else. Don’t take it personally.

 

Shanae perfectly portrays what not to do when someone doesn’t want to date you anymore. Hint… she went ballistic.

 

Chris asks Marni why some people take themselves emotionally out of the market too early, like Jill who is leaving. Could be the producers asked her to leave since she has dated most of the guys already and there is no love connection with Jacob.

 

Victoria’s Secret [14:58]

 

Both Marni and Chris agree Victoria is the quintessential Dating with Dignity woman. She keeps her cool. She knows what she wants and she stays open to listening to what a guy wants. If every woman dated like Victoria is dating there would be peace on earth.

 

She knows Johnny is an F-boy who doesn’t want to be engaged at the end of the season. Yet, she asks him open-ended questions that seem to make him uncomfortable. She is listening for the truth. This helps her weed out guys who don’t share her values and don’t check her boxes and allows her to move on to find someone whom she can have a future with.

 

Ladies, when you feel a strong physical attraction to someone or become unnerved when they don’t text, ask yourself if you are feeling a healthy adult love or an unmet childhood need for love.

 

Sometimes people confuse physical chemistry with 6th-grade butterflies or high school drama.

 

Ladies, if someone says no to you, don’t take it personally. Think about if he is really even your person before getting emotional. Is he a person of value? Is he your equal? How is he treating you? Slowly going through these questions will make things clearer and take the emotion out of the equation.

 

Make a Connection:

 

Oct 28, 2022

Glenn Sandifer joins Marni in the Life Check Yourself studio to help successful women find a man that matches their drive, ambition, and expectations. Glenn has over 20 years of experience in field sales and marketing. He says success in the workplace is often at odds with intimate relationships. He understands how busy people can enjoy their work but fail to build or maintain healthy personal connections outside of office hours. They discuss his book, Middle Ground: How to Get Great Dating Outcomes in a Modern World.

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 

  • How to define your type

  • Relationship expectations of high-quality, successful women

  • How to find a HENRY (high-earner not rich yet)

  • How to identify seasons in a relationship

  • Is it time to take the lead or be the helper?

 

Empowered at Work, Disempowered in Relationship [1:50]

 

Many women express their concerns about dating in the workplace. The challenge these high achievers have is they get tangled up in relationships that don’t meet their expectations.

 

Successful women often find themselves lingering with F-boys or the modern man. Modern women usually get with modern men but most modern women don’t want a modern man, they want a traditional man. Modern women are uncertain about what they want in a relationship. They believe they want a relationship to be 50-50, yet they have certain expectations about what role the man should play. And, traditional men generally don’t look for modern successful women.

 

High-value men are HENRYs: High-Earners Not Rich Yet.

 

In his book, Glenn defines a male persona as someone who takes care of a successful woman but doesn’t have any drive of his own. A successful woman will wait around for the male to step up but it simply wastes her time. The spirit of sacrifice and the spirit of duty necessary for a sustainable relationship are things most 25-year-old guys don’t have.

 

Finding Common Ground [16:33]

 

Glenn notes that some of the best relationship outcomes occur when there is a Leader and a Helper in all aspects of a relationship. At times, a woman leads and other times she helps, and vice-versa. Marni shares an example of clients who have difficulty shifting old paradigms of the leader/helper roles. Clients may say things like, “He is supposed to take this role.” Often, women have expectations that men should always take the lead.

 

Glenn’s personal view is that a lot can be learned from the Bible. He says there is a set of beliefs in the Bible, to guide us toward relationship success.

 

To be in a long-term, sustainable, committed relationship, we have a long view. There are seasons we go through but everything shifts and changes with time.

 

We all need to be intentional about our communication. Generally, when there is trouble in a relationship, we find that communication has been inauthentic and unclear.

 

Many times women want men to lead the conversation about where things stand in a relationship.

 

Make a Connection:

 

Oct 22, 2022

Marni and Chris Gillis shine a light on the often hidden dating lessons from the latest episode of Bachelor in Paradise. This episode is a treasure trove of real-life riches for people who want a successful, long-term relationship.

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 

  • The difference between telling your sad tale and being vulnerable

  • How to avoid activating your unmet childhood needs

  • Be rejection-proof

  • Don’t chase a man

  • Be the person you want to attract

 

You Are More Than Your Trauma [3:40]

 

To dispel the common dating no-no of making a tragedy the basis of your connection, especially on the first date, BIP producers brought in a woman they thought would have something in common with Michael. The move made Marni physically cringe. The theory is that BIP producers really liked Michael A., who lost his wife four years ago to breast cancer, and in an effort to get him to stay on the show, they brought in Danielle. Danielle lost her husband to suicide eleven years ago. It is an unhealthy way to start a relationship!

 

Trauma dumping is not being vulnerable.

 

Michael A., your supposed vulnerability is really lightly-veiled manipulation. Not cool brother. If you resonate with Danielle’s plight to not be a therapist for the rest of her life, run away from sad tale singles.

 

Being Rejection-Proof [14:53]

 

The ‘big switch’ in this episode led to an overabundance of tears and the hysteria the ladies produced is insane. They have only known the guys for a short period and have already formed the idea that the guys are “theirs.”

 

Chris admits that even though males get involved in fast-forward relationships without thinking it through, the women who live in scarcity and need to fall in love are sabotaging their dating life.

 

You have to be engaged and interested in a man without getting attached. If you are not careful you will activate your unmet childhood needs.

 

Having self-worth makes you rejection-proof and resilient.

 

Don’t Chase Him Down [26:47]

 

During the BIP episode, when the new women are introduced, the original women seemed overly distraught, but none as much as Lace. She walks down to the beach looking for Rodney, only to find him with a new girl. Ladies, big lesson here, if a guy does not respond to a message, Do Not chase him down.

 

This show is a great example of how to cultivate relationships when your ego-self is leading the way. Resolving your core issues is key to improving your dating life.

 

Make a Connection:

 

 

Oct 15, 2022

Marni and Chris Gillis break down the double-whammy that was Bachelor in Paradise. So many juicy lessons in this episode about non-negotiables, emotional unavailability, prima donnas, and F-boys! If you are in the dating pool and consistently not meeting the right guys, tune in and chill out.

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 

  • Beauty fades and money is never enough

  • Love language connection

  • How to express what you need

  • Being more than your story

  • What to do when a date is not a match

 

Needs versus Wants [4:08]

 

This episode of Bachelor in Paradise revealed some perfect examples of ladies who have unrealistic expectations about what a guy needs to do in dating. A guy can be interested in a woman without being a slobbering mess and falling all over her. A woman who needs constant validation of her lovability and worth doesn’t make a good partner.

 

Hey Genevieve and Shanae, if a guy doesn’t treat you like Disney princesses you don’t have to turn into witches!

 

When starting to date someone and they don’t show up as “perfect,” understand that “perfect” is not realistic and realize that now is the time to train the person how you want to be treated.

Michael A-Hole [19:15]

 

Both Marni and Chris agree that Michael A. is an emotionally unavailable jerk. If you don’t remember, Michael was on the Bachelor but left because his son missed him and now he is on Bachelor in Paradise.

 

In the very first episode, Michael seemingly lays his soul on the line to Sierra. He got emotionally naked with her and then when she opened up to him he put on the brakes saying the relationship was moving too fast and that he just wants to be friends.

 

Marni says it clearly demonstrates that Michael is emotionally unavailable. Chris says Michael slammed his foot down on the vulnerability pedal and it’s bullsh*t. He started by speaking her love language and then pulled an f-boy move.

 

Even if Sierra was coerced into just leaving the relationship, she should have asked what Michael meant when he said things were moving too fast.

 

Don’t let your story be all you have to offer a partner.

 

How to Put on the Brakes [31:17]

 

There is no way to reform an F-Boy. So, when it is time to bow out after a date how do you do it? Marni explains how a girl can control the pace of dating and the overall relationship. She says — if you are on a date and it is not going well, you do not owe the other person anything. Even if they paid for the meal, brought flowers, etc.

 

The best way to bow out after dating is to be direct and tell the other person they are not your match.

 

Make a Connection:

Oct 8, 2022

Marni and Chris Gillis break down the insecurities, easy hookups, and control struggles that were all over this week’s Bachelorette. Marni shares the solid takeaways from the show, especially the importance of remembering that dating is a process, and there is value in the entire process.

 

Takeaways from this episode:

 

  • Stop romanticizing the perfect man

  • Show up strong, not insecure

  • Keep your cool when dating around

  • Focusing on externals doesn’t fix internal insecurities

 

The Pitfalls of Romanticizing Someone You’ve Never Met [3:55]

 

Chris calls fantasizing about someone you’ve never met a delicious pitfall, but it isn’t one that you can risk falling for. It only sets you up for disappointment and a lack of a true fresh start. After Teddi’s date with Andrew, she takes a step back to realize that maybe her romantic fantasies about him sabotage any chance for a relationship before they even meet. Marni thinks that the fact that she ran away means she is emotionally unavailable and has serious avoidant attachment. She didn’t want to deal with Rodney or Andrew, and she basically set herself up to fail.

 

Marni asks Chris about the issue that Teddi revealed in Clayton’s season. Nate reminds listeners that Teddi — and all of the contestants — are real people with real backstories who have to protect their own mental health. Marni lays out the bottom line — don’t make up romantic fantasies about your date before you’ve met them in real life.

 

Let them show you who they are, don’t make up a story about who they are.

How to Show Up Strong [11:06]

 

Jill describes herself as painfully single, but Chris thinks that is a solid turnoff for a few reasons. It presents you in a negative light and makes it sound like no one wants you — even if that’s not really true!

 

Marni thinks Jill handled Romeo in the best way possible, but she spends way too much time painting herself as insecure. She needs to come off as a confident, strong, independent woman, but Chris wonders why she bounces between quirky and fun and then back to insecure.

 

Chris asks Marni if she thinks Romeo or Jill is more difficult dating-wise. Romeo has a bad reputation that he’s going to have a hard time overcoming, but Jill doesn’t present the energy that will attract the good guy.

 

Victoria, on the other hand, isn’t aggressive but is definitely open to possibilities, which is much more attractive. She keeps things light and fun, which is attracting all of the men straight to her.

 

Rule guys in until they rule themselves out.

 

Guys Aren’t Always Looking for Easy Women [18:05]

 

Tarzan Jacob is going to have his pick of three women, and he’s made it clear that it’s not going to be the women that are the most willing to sleep with him. Even he doesn’t pick Kira. Chris says no one wants to date the girl that is so easy that she’s obviously willing to hook up with anyone that looks at her twice.

 

Even if you are still trying to figure out your sexuality, sleeping around is not the way to get what you want most. Over and over again the guys on the show are most attractive to the women who don’t sacrifice their self-respect for anyone else.

 

Chris and Marni talk about who keeps their cool best when contestants start dating around, and what it means about your own insecurities. Remember, you may feel like you don’t have control when the guy you like goes on a date with someone else, but you always have plenty of choices until you decide to go exclusive.

 

Make a Connection:

 

 

Oct 7, 2022

Marni welcomes Tessa Alburn to the Life Check Yourself Studio. Tessa is a certified master coach at the Institute for Living Courageously and has been working on the You’re Courageous Life VIP program. She has helped countless women connect with the essential self, let go of limiting beliefs, and start to write the blueprint for the whole self life that they really want to live.

 

Takeaways:

 

  • How to communicate your true self
  • Recognize the power of how you show up in the world
  • Overcoming your self-limitations
  • Uncover what has been holding you back

 

Creating a Life of Core Meaning [4:30]

 

Tessa reveals the reasons that so many women come to the ILC and the core change that allows them to finally start creating a life of meaning. Core change means understanding and being your essential self and recognizing how it expresses energetically in the world.

 

Tessa reminds us that there is nothing wrong with us, but we have to be able to express our true self. We have to learn what needs to shift and then get the essential self expressed in a way that is received and heard by others.

 

Too many women are missing the pieces around how to communicate from their true self, the part of them that wants to be loved.

 

You might have a great life, but still feel a disconnect between true gratitude and the gratitude that is in your mind, leaving you feeling stuck and angry. At the ILC campus, we work to help women bridge that gap.

 

Why Your Essential Self Energy Matters [13:07]

 

Marni asks why your essential self matters in your efforts to live a meaningful life, attract the right partner, be a powerful leader and create impact in your relationships. Why should we care about that? When we own that it matters to us, we can come into a fullness of life that is freed up to have a more meaningful life experience. That also results in connection with the divine, the universe, and with others.

 

When we know we are living our purpose in life, we have such deep gratification, deep fulfillment, and deep satisfaction.

 

Overcoming What is Holding You Back [21:23]

 

Our clients experience breakthroughs when they start asking themselves high-quality questions. Tessa shares some of these questions, like How did my reaction connect to the past? How did I learn to react like this? How might I love myself even though I’m upset?

 

If you’re not able to come into your adult self, you will constantly feel hurt and rejected. 

 

Marni shares the example of choosing not to text men back. Being a quiet woman who doesn’t use her voice is just a script that is holding you back, and holding onto outdated, limiting advice is not the way to get what you really want!

 

Make a Connection:

Download A Complimentary Copy Of Our Book — How To Find A Quality Guy Without Going On 200 Dates

Oct 1, 2022

Marni and Chris gather the Dating Dos and Don’ts from this season’s first episode of Bachelor in Paradise. There were some great lessons about what to share on the first and second dates. FYI, IBS isn’t one of those things, Hunter!

 

Takeaways:

 

  • Subconsciously adopting social constructs like age
  • The art of setting boundaries
  • Creating pseudo-intimacy by over texting
  • When to reveal your fetishes

 

When to Share Your Medical Truth & Age Issues [:56]

 

In the episode, Hunter offers us a great Dating Don’t opportunity. She talks about her IBS with Johnny. It made Marni uncomfortable when she heard it. Her advice is not to share this type of information too soon. Romeo became overwhelmed by all of Hunter’s issues.

 

Dating Don’t — Don’t share all of your medical conditions on the first date.

 

This season seems to be the geriatric version of Bachelor in Paradise boasting several over 30 contestants. Chris Gillis warns against accepting social labels as our own. Age normally doesn’t become an issue until we make it mean something about us.

 

Setting Boundaries [10:56]

 

Romeo, Kira, and Jill show us an example of Dating Dos and Don’ts if a person you are dating is dating other people. In the show, we are aware that Romeo kissed Kira in a club. Kira comes off like she has a weird ownership of Romeo after just the kiss and some texts. The issue is Romeo tells Jill he likes her. But then totally weirds out when it comes to telling Kira he is not interested in her. The art of the breakup is not his forte.

 

Dating Do — If you are not interested in someone, tell them swiftly, simply, and succinctly.

 

And, ladies, watch Kira try to get validation through sex. Marni says if you make up the story that all guys want is sex and then you come across as sexually aggressive a guy WILL take you up on it. He will not be considering you for a long-term commitment because he will be wondering how many other dudes you are playing the same game with.

 

Dating Do — Be honest about what you want from a relationship and lead with your values.

 

Creating a False Sense of Intimacy [15:18]

 

Serene and Brandon demonstrate a big Dating Don’t. Marni says it is a big don’t to reveal too much when texting as it creates a pseudo-intimacy. It is impossible to create an intimate connection without ever being face-to-face. Save the juicy stuff for when you meet in person.

 

Make a Connection:

Sep 30, 2022

Marni welcomes former Hustle Culture Devotee, Sara McElroy to the Life Check Yourself Studio. Sara is an ex-Chief Marketing Officer, the WSJ poster girl for a pandemic career burn-out, and a two-time member of the great resignation. After a stress-induced shingle diagnosis in 2021, Sara decided to hit the reset button on her life. While looking for alignment in her life, she created Raze to Rise to amplify women’s voices, and inspire others to blaze new trails.

 

Takeaways:

 

  • Some people change slowly and others take a fast 180
  • Redefine what success means to you
  • Quiet quitting is an acceptable first step
  • Break free of good-girl conditioning

 

Resign as Many Times as You Need To [1:47]

 

Sara reveals that during the beginning of her corporate career she didn’t have self-trust. She was the quintessential corporate soldier. She outsourced her power and agency and put her future in the hands of the corporation she worked for.

 

Sara says we get to the breaking point more quickly when we know what we are willing to tolerate and what we are not. Our dissatisfaction becomes a muscle that flexes when something is not in alignment.

 

Good-girl conditioning is very real. We are rewarded for being obedient and not asking troublesome questions.

 

We get stuck in unfulfilling jobs if we have not been taught to make choices that are good for us. She knew she wasn’t the only woman mired in cycles of burn-out.

 

Defining Success [8:48]

 

Sara created the phrase Raze to Rise when she rebuilt her life based on what she wanted, not what she was told to want. She says the belief system we pick up from others can be insidious because we operate our lives based on someone else's belief of what success is.

 

And, while it is important not to require external validation in general, it is exceptionally important not to have it in your career because it can create a pseudo-addiction to the meaningless atta-girls.

 

There is nothing wrong with taking baby steps in the direction you want to go.

 

Quiet Quitting [19:13]

 

Marni asks what is driving women to quietly quit. Is it a passive-aggressive maneuver or is it the beginning of a movement toward change? Sara says while it seems counterproductive to some it is a step forward for those who haven’t built up their self-confidence yet.

 

Sara created a six-stage journey for people ready to go through the process of walking away. The rumbling of quiet quitting can be akin to disillusionment, or not being in alignment with what you are doing at the moment. She says while some people have a lightbulb moment and others approach it as quietly quitting. It is just the first step toward enlightenment.

 

It is beautiful when we acknowledge the bars of the cage we created for ourselves.

 

Make a Connection:

Sep 24, 2022

Marni and Chris discuss the fired-up season finale of the Bachelorette 2022. Marni is a bit perturbed about how it seems women on the show can do no wrong and making the guys look like villains is acceptable. Rachel tears into Tino after learning of an indiscretion and then breaks up with him. Then, Gabby turns the other cheek and gives Erich a fighting chance even after learning about his offenses.

 

Takeaways:

 

  • Tips for breaking up when it is the right thing to do

  • How to question someone with empathy

  • Owning up to an indiscretion

  • Compassion and Forgiveness

 

The Rachel-Tino Breakup [2:39]

 

The projection of Rachel as the queen and making Tino appear to be the villain undermines all the good communication and healthy relationship advice Marni has ever taught. Rachel didn’t handle the breakup with dignity. Tino was trying so hard to express himself but he just couldn’t get there. Rachel was emotionally unavailable and Tino felt insecure. So Tino goes out and kisses someone else.

 

It is not OK that Tino kissed someone else.

 

Rachel couldn't identify the problem to work with Tino to solve it. She was triggered and couldn't communicate.

 

People on Twitter are beating up Tino about having a journal. Marni says Tino acknowledged what he did, validated Rachel, and then apologized for his actions. When she doesn’t accept his apology she breaks up with him and then instantly regrets her actions. It was unnecessarily painful.

 

Break Up Tips [24:59]

 

Sometimes people need to break up. All relationships are not meant to be. Chris reminds everyone the contestants are real people with real feelings. Most people, especially online, have disregarded Tino’s feelings. Did Tino just want to win and crush it? As one user observed, did he realize he wouldn’t become the Bachelor?

 

Rachel had a unique opportunity to be empathic and asked Tino what was going on. She could have questioned his motives for kissing the other girl, but she didn’t. Chris says Rachel took it personally and was angry. Neither Rachel nor Tino could regulate themselves or manage their emotions.

 

If you are going in a circle with your partner and can’t seem to resolve your issues, maybe it is time to do work independent of each other.

 

Gabby and Erich [40:28]

 

The producers of the show needed a hero so badly that they ignored all of Erich’s misgivings. Luckily Erich and Gabby seem like they like each other. Gabby appreciated Erich’s honesty and told him so. Rachel should have had a similar conversation with Tino.

 

Gabby accepts that Erich isn’t perfect but is still willing to have a relationship.

 

Compassion and forgiveness are the keys to love.

 

Make a Connection:

 

Sep 23, 2022

Marni welcomes Eva Selhub into the Life Check Yourself Studio. Beyond having explanatory superpowers, Eva is a Board Certified Physician, Speaker, Scientist, Author, and Executive Leadership and Performance Coach who served as an Instructor of Medicine at Harvard Medical School. She specializes in Corporate Wellness and Resilience. She provides clients the guidance to use their powerful gifts to translate complex information and make it practical and usable.

 

Takeaways:

 

  • Six Pillars to Cultivating Resilience

  • How to make decisions in your best interest

  • Choosing joy and curiosity

  • Accepting the dark and light sides of ourselves

 

The Keys to Faith & the Mechanics of Resilience

 

In Eva’s books, she describes her struggles and how she looks at them as opportunities for growth, and change. It’s what resilience is all about, she says. Feeling knocked down for being a woman in academia, she found herself in a male-oriented, structured box. She recognized others were threatened by her and her ideas. They thought she was too much, too loud, too everything.

 

Eva says for her it is about growth, exploration, love, richness, curiosity, and creativity. She chose joy, and passion, and was smart about it.

 

Eva says the question of what we are supposed to be doing is a construct created by a man. In the past, men thought women were supposed to be domesticated, wear dresses, have children, and play a certain role.

 

Women can get caught up in doing everything they believe will help them get what they want, but do they really know what they want?

 

It’s important to honor and have compassion for your feelings, both positive and negative. In a negative mindset, we lose access to our acquired skill set and inherent tools. We lose access to the support that can raise us up and out of the negativity.

 

6 Pillars to Help Cultivate Resilience

 

Resilience is a double-edged sword. It has a dark side and a bright side. The dark side is burnout. It is when we keep getting hit over and over again (much like we did during the pandemic). The bright side of resilience is called flourishing, or a state of flow. Eva created the Six Pillars to Help Cultivate Resilience to help people understand how to make opportunities out of their struggles.

 

Ask yourself — Am I fueling myself to thrive or die?

 

The body whispers before it screams and it whispers through our senses.

 

Energy & Vibration Are Everything

 

If we believe in the law of attraction, or manifestation, then we know everything is about vibration, aka energy. Eva says if we want to find out why we might be stuck in old-seated beliefs that either come from our upbringing, meditations and healings can reprogram our underlying belief system until it no longer exists.

 

When we embrace the light we begin attracting different circumstances and relationships.

 

Make a Connection:

 

1 2 3 4 Next »