Marni and Chris add a bonus to the regularly scheduled Bachelor recap this week as they compare the learnings from the recent Ignite Your Life event with the important Bachelor takeaways. If you are stuck in dating and in life, this episode will help you on your journey to become unstuck.
Key takeaways from this episode:
As another IYL event ends, Marni notes that many of the questions the women ask of the quality men on the man-panel are eerily similar to questions of years past. Chris says this year's group seemed to be more aware of the internal work that is required to have a healthy relationship.
One question that comes up every year is — How do you know when a guy is ready to commit?
Men go through phases, just like women do and their willingness to commit is based on the work they do and what stage they are in their lives. Both men and women can keep themselves stuck because they are good at their current role as the hunter, the quality-casual dater, etc.
When people are super resistant to change and they believe their way is better for them, or they are terminally unique, they stay stuck until they become of the work they need to do. Marni adds that there are women who come back to her program and admit they were super stuck before but just hadn’t grasped how much.
Unless you implement change in your life you will continue to have the same patterns, the same outcomes, and the same disappointments.
— Data shows that if you do the work, it will work.
If you are on the path of doing the work but it is not translating into tangible results, give yourself some time. You are human. Significant behavioral changes don’t happen overnight.
Important Bachelor Takeaways [17:29]
A big reason Marni continues to unpeel the onion which is The Bachelor is that it is a way for us to recognize patterns and behaviors of the contestants that may resonate with us. What are the ladies doing that maybe we have done in the past or continue to do that keeps us stuck?
Are you a life-long bachelor contestant in real life?
Remember you are not broken. If you are having difficulty changing your behaviors, think about the challenges in your life like knots in a necklace. Some are harder to get out than others, but with patience and continued effort, you can undo the knots and find your free-flowing, self who is comfortable in dating, relationships, and life.
You just have to untangle the emotional knots that keep you stuck
Oversharing on a Date [22:47]
In this episode of The Bachelor, the producers created a ‘circle of trust’ but with no qualified professionals. Then they asked each contestant what they were not proud of in their lives. They falsely called the circle a ‘vulnerability circle’ but it was more of a ‘shame circle’ which served no purpose other than to make the ladies feel bad about themselves.
Marni reminds us that it is important to reframe the questions we ask ourselves. For example — What traumatic moments keep us stuck? — Why bring up traumas this early in the course of dating? Ladies, remember, the world is tough enough don't beat yourself up, and don’t overshare on dates.
It can be off-putting when you show your open, oozing wounds to someone too soon in a relationship.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni speaks to the creator of Inner Confidence and Host of the Leverage podcast, Robbie Kramer. Robbie works with men to create the lifestyle of their dreams. Like Marni, he doesn't believe in quick fixes or magic pills. He brings dignity and ease to traditionally taboo interactions with no cheesy pick-up routines. Robbie shares the real attraction and connection qualities guys are looking for in a woman.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Some women tend to think of men as an evil opponent or creatures from another planet but that is a falsehood. Some men are ready to commit and some men who just want a conquest. Just like women do. Sometimes we are ready for a long-term relationship and sometimes we are not. If we are always trying to figure out what another person is thinking we get stuck in analysis paralysis. There is no way to know what another person is thinking. Focus on how you feel about the other person.
Robbie says for men, looks come first. If two people are not mutually attracted, they are not going on a date in the first place. So, ladies, don’t worry about what you look like. If he is there he is already attracted to you.
Common Dating Mistakes:
The ideal venue for a first date is to meet at a coffee shop or a bar for 30-45 minutes. Then, if it goes well then change venues. Changing venues, Robbie says, gives you a chance at a reset. It changes the vibe.
Fgs [18:43]
Marni asks Robbie what we are all thinking — Why do men send dick pics and why do they take mirror selfies?
Robbie admits he isn’t aware of the psychology behind the dick pic, it may be that the guys are doing it for shock value, but either way, they are immature and it tells a woman exactly what she needs to know.
Ladies, no matter how cute, mirror selfie guys are not your guys.
Marni reminds us that those guys are doing us a favor by letting us know they are not quality guys and to move on.
When Are Guys Ready to Commit [20:47]
While there is no set time for a man to be ready to commit, Robbie says a woman should be able to tell. Men who are only looking to sow their wild oats, don’t call back. His advice is don't waste time trying to change a player into a long-term commitment guy. The guy isn’t doing it on purpose; he is just not interested in the same thing.
A relationship should be an equal investment.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni welcomes behavioral relationship expert Tracy Crossley into the Life Check Yourself studio. Tracy is an author and podcast host who helps people with unhealthy life and relationship patterns. transform parts of their character such as imposter syndrome, insecure attachment styles, negative belief systems, destructive self-talk, and more. She has a background in psychology and an innate emotional intuition.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Many people know of their attachment style but few know how to use the information to enrich their lives and move from an insecure attachment style to a healthy one. Tracy explains that when she first read the book Attached she didn't think it applied to her even though she identified as an anxious-avoidant. After thinking about it, she decided she didn't want to live in a dysfunctional space.
She says, our original attachment style comes from how we received love when we were children. We incorporate our early feelings of what we think love is into our adult relationship dynamics. Each attachment style plays out differently, but it always comes down to a self-worth issue.
The avoidant attachment style is fear of being rejected and abandonment. Those with this type of attachment style either stay away from relationships or are emotionally unavailable in the relationships they get in. Sometimes, they are looking for the perfect partner who doesn't exist.
Feeling Our Feelings [8:15]
Tracy says emotional reactions come from a story we react to. To heal, we need to uncover the motivating feeling at the base of our reactions.
We tend to victimize ourselves in the stories we tell ourselves. To get to our deeper feelings, we need to question what is the true reality and then take responsibility for the choices we actively made.
Our bodies hold our emotions. Emotions are not just thoughts. When we feel overwhelmed, Tracy recommends riding the wave of the feeling until it goes away. You will be less anxious and more in control of yourself. If a childhood feeling keeps coming back.
We get caught up in our stories. But if we are courageous and go deep down to find the truth we can find freedom from our false identity.
The 90-second tool for Life Check Yourself listeners:
If you go on a date with someone you are not sure about and feel the urge to bolt because something about the person irks you. The urge to bolt is coming from a place of fear. Drop into your feelings and stay for 90-seconds more. Use this technique for any situation you want to bolt from. Be quiet, be curious, and listen.
The more self-awareness we have the better our decisions are and the more we learn to trust ourselves.
Step Out of Imposter Syndrome and into Your Authentic Self [30:10]
In our early stages of development, we lack self-awareness. We are constantly deciding who we need to be to get what we want from others. We decide what kind of characteristics we can adopt to get attention, validation, and love. When we enter a relationship, and people try to get to know the real us we fear they will try to see the real us. Then we feel ashamed about being an imposter. It’s a vicious cycle.
Make life a journey of curiosity instead of being judgmental. Take your time to discover your authentic self.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni and Chris Gillis dissect the dating games on this week’s physical-chemistry-laden episode of the Bachelor. The man-mountain who is Clayton, seems unable to lean into his feelings. Is he Matt James #2? Cassidy teaches us that sexual aggression is unattractive and that a friends with benefits scenario offers little space to date with dignity. And, Elizabeth can’t wait to spit her ADHD on people.
Key takeaways from this episode:
There is one contestant who makes Marni cringe. It’s Cassidy. Cassidy is over-aggressive and actively tries to make out with Clayton every second they are together. She is obviously going for the sexual connection but her vulnerability feels fake. She says I like you and she attempts to mount him. She crosses a line that is not attractive.
Clayton’s technique needs a little work. Is he a quality guy? Marni says he might have Matt James syndrome. When a contestant opens up to him and shares about her family. He speaks from his head and not his heart. He doesn't share and wasn't vulnerable. Chris says his response felt like a job interview.
When dating someone new, listen to them with an open heart. It’s not a job interview.
Victimy or Vulnerability [10:38]
Shenae calls Elizabeth out and asks her why she didn’t respond to a question or comment she made. Instead of calmly explaining that she has ADHD, Elizabeth snaps back that she processes information differently. She uses it as an excuse for her behavior instead of vulnerable sharing.
Don’t overshare your medical history, especially on a first date. It’s not being vulnerable. It’s a canned story you are using to elicit a common response. Be discerning about what you share and when you share it. You don't need to put everything out there on the first date.
Taking ownership and responsibility for a miscommunication is sexy.
Friends with Benefits [25:21]
In the episode, Cassidy offers up the unsolicited information that she has a guy she hooks up with at home. It begs the question, can you bang your friend with benefits and also date with dignity?
Marni says for women it may be a little harder. She tries to discourage clients from having an FWB on the side because it causes women to compartmentalize their feelings. It requires rigorous honesty. and it's difficult. Chris says it is easier for men to compartmentalize it and not let it bleed over into their dating life.
Cassidy just needs too much attention and she asks for it in an unattractive way.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni welcomes the Founder of EZ Dating Coach and matchmaker extraordinaire, Mike Goldstein to the Life Check Yourself studio. Mike is a frequent guest on this show and he has been featured on the Today show and in Readers Digest. 83% of Mike’s clients enter relationships! This is the highest success rate in the country. He uses data from the top dating sites to set his clients up for dating success.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Mike reveals that the Sunday after the New Year is the best time to meet someone because people vow to find their love, online or at the gym. Marni points out that it means the online dating sites should be full of new prospects. With 57% of online daters are looking for serious relationships with a higher percentage of men saying so, it dispels the myth that men are not looking for commitment.
Marni asks Mike what gets in the way of ladies finding a quality guy online. He says there are two major obstacles women must overcome.
Yet, the data shows one out of three marriages come from online dating. It doesn't need to be a full-time job. Mike’s process requires just 30 minutes, three times a week plus one date a week.
Often, when dating, a woman is trying to be perfect. In reality, Mike says men are craving access to a woman. They want to see who a woman truly is. Women have a hard time being vulnerable and guys will start looking elsewhere because they don't feel they have access to you emotionally. Mike’s advice, describe a time you overcame one of your limiting beliefs and how you worked through it. It allows the guy to know you better.
No matter what your dating history is, you need to let your guard down.
Looking for Perfection? Stop. No One Is Perfect [12:35]
Marni describes several of her clients tend to rule guys out before giving them a chance. Instead of being curious about a guy they sabotage themselves by being nit-picky about a physical attribute or a comment.
Mike's strategy is simple — Consider how the person you are dating makes you feel. On a date and in between dates? If the answer is you feel good then continue to date the person. If the person doesn’t make you feel good, move on.
Be curious when dating rather than automatically ruling a guy out. Don't be stuck in the story that nothing works for you.
There is No Shame in Online Dating [21:48]
Mike shares that he has been rejected hundreds if not thousands of times when he offers dating advice. But he wants to help people fall in love and lower the divorce rate. So he keeps at it. He doesn’t take rejection personally and neither should you.
There is no shame in online dating. It’s a numbers game.
Do you want to fall in love? What is your goal? If you want to fall in love, do the work. Trust in the process and truly believe the universe wants you to be partnered. There is no one person that doesn't deserve love. If you get rid of the shame and use a strategy, be courageous, and commit to it you will be a success story. It's just putting the right things together into one focused effort to get a result.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Life Check Yourself Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni and Chris Gillis work tirelessly to extract every morsel of dating advice from the beginning of season 26 of The Bachelor. Sweet, former NFLer and alpha-male Clayton Echard was given a cool $100k to have 31 women test his dating mettle and claim their hearts. Let’s see who stood out and who went home.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Salley, the blonde with the Love Island hair extensions, showed up for the opening show. But she did so only to tell Clayton she was supposed to get married the same weekend. Her quick exit came after telling Clayton she just wanted to meet him but she hadn’t yet fully recovered from her breakup with her ex-fiance.
It begs the question, how do you know when you should start dating again after a breakup?
On the flip side, if you are on a date and a guy starts talking about his ex. Give him time to express himself and be curious. If he continues to do it on multiple dates, play the empathy card. If he realizes what he has been doing and stops all is well. If he doesn’t stop, he is not ready to be dating yet. Tell him you are not a therapist and move on.
Marni and Chris think Clayton may be insecure and he likely will fall for anyone who likes him. He kissed five women on the first night. They also think Salley will make a comeback later in the season.
Exuding Masculine Energy [15:17]
Marni notes that there are a lot of successful, professional women competing this season. It will be interesting to see if they are able to drop into their feminine energy during the dating process.
Claire Heilig is an example of a woman who wasn’t able to get there. She and Clayton go on a fake tailgating-esque date. She couldn’t disguise her male vibe when they played cornhole. When Clayton got flirty about almost winning, Claire’s testosterone shot up and she reminded him sternly that she, in fact, won the match.
A guy doesn't want to kiss a dude in a dress. Are you being too competitive? Do you need to win?
Chris says, she revealed more about how she feels about herself and her need to win.
Too Much Too Soon, Gift Giving [26:13]
Showing up with flowers on a first date is a tradition for some people, but showing up with a 100-year-old family photo is a bit much. Elizabeth offers the only copy of a family keepsake photo to Clayton right out of the gate.
Marni points out that women tend to overgive. As a general rule, don't bring a gift to your first date.
For Valentine's Day, if a guy you are dating hasn't asked you out by Feb. 7th, you can ask what is going on. Or, tell him how much you love celebrating the date. It doesn't have to be awkward. Just have an open-ended conversation. It isn’t always easy to put yourself out there. Vulnerability is necessary for communication.
A gift doesn't have to be tangible. It can be a simple compliment.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Life Check Yourself Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni welcomes the host of the Jewish Money Matters podcast, Yael Trusch into the Life Check Yourself studio. They discuss how-to unravel money stories, the spirit-money connection, and how women can begin designing the financial life they want for themselves and their children. Yael’s Signature program, G-d Wants You to Be Rich, has transformed the financial lives of countless Jewish women and couples all over the globe.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Why does money matter to women? Yael says, money matters to women because it is the way we create an impact in the world. We, as humans, regardless of our family, creed, or race were put here to serve the world and make it a better place. Money is one of the resources we are given to make a lasting imprint in this world.
Marni asks, how can women create abundance and not be attached to abundance?
This is one of the complex parts for people, Yael says. Everyone needs to design goals for their lives, financial and personal goals. There must be tangible things you are aiming for because those things will assist you in becoming the person you need to be to serve others, our growth journey.
While we focus on the ‘why’, the ‘how' is orchestrated from above. God says let go of the outcome, just show up with your ‘why’, and do what you need to do.
To let God manage the ‘how’:
Are your financial goals me-centered or God-centered?
Common Limiting Beliefs Women Have About Money [11:29]
While beliefs vary Yael says three common limiting beliefs women have about money are:
You can have the money, the health, the marriage, you can have everything.
Parental Responsibilities Around Money [27:46]
Yael reminds us that children are learning about money whether parents intentionally teach them or not. They watch the way you behave and listen to the way you speak but through a child's eyes and ears.
Parenting is a holy endeavor. Parents are responsible for raising capable, responsible, adults in the world. Unless you want to be saving your child financially for the rest of their lives you need to model and teach them to be responsible and not give it all so easily.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates