Marni speaks to the founder of Ordinary Sherpa, Heidi Dusek. Heidi is known as a catalyst, healthy disruptor, and unshakable optimist. She is passionate about challenging the status quo, driving change, and designing experiences. Her forthcoming book, Beyond Normal, inspires families to create authentic travel experiences through meaningful UN-tourism. Listen in to see how she is designing a life of meaningful experiences that inspire joy.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Challenge the status quo
Create meaningful experiences
Traveling differently — UN-tourism
Simple is better
How to say yes!
The pandemic felt like the universe decided to challenge the status quo. It changed everyone in the world’s life. This means that right now we have a unique opportunity to grab onto a new normal that better serves us. And, with more and more companies offering positions for virtual work, we no longer need to orient our lives around where we work. It is a freedom past generations didn't have.
Heidi has long pondered the concept of work-life balance. She recognized that there is no such thing, work is part of life. She decided only to have things in her life that made her joyful. Joy was her North Star. She recommends writing the narrative of what you want your life to be and then designing your new life around that narrative. Heidi's mantra is “I want every day to feel like vacation.”
Highlight the joy of life and get a bit uncomfortable challenging your status quo.
UN-Tourism: Travel Differently
Adventure is about finding out about new places other travelers haven’t discovered before. Heidi recalls a story of a small diner that never would have been on her radar if the gas station attendant had not recommended it. Her family loved it and it didn’t cost a fortune to feed a family of five.
All types of travelers can create a meaningful life on any type of budget. It normally doesn’t take as much planning as we think it does. Scale it back to the basics and relish in your relationships instead of high-priced adventures. It can be less about what you are doing and more about enjoying the journey and getting through the rough spots.
What do you really want out of your life?
Simple Adventures Can Be Worth More
Heidi made a conscious decision to create a “Year of Yes.” Every time she had an opportunity she challenged herself to say yes. It’s a reminder that everyone has the power to change their story. You don’t need to make the giant, life-altering decisions, just change one thing that challenges you.
What if there is no tomorrow? Do it now!
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Beyond Normal: A field guide to embrace adventure, explore the wilderness, and design an extraordinary life with kids
Marni and Chris move on to dissect a new show, The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On. The new series means a new group of 20-something couples but the same relationship issues. Does everyone who issued an ultimatum get their way? Was an ultimatum the best way to wash out the issues or is it just a manipulation tool?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Ultimatums can be pattern interrupters
Wherever you go, there you are
Defaulting to bad behaviors
Ultimatums are the opposite of dating with dignity
Manipulating Another Person to Get What You Want
It seems that all the contestants thought they would go on the show and then get their way. So, it begs the question, when we make an ultimatum, are we using manipulation as a tool to make the other person do what we want? Or, we are at our wit’s end and are tired of having our non-negotiables infringed upon?
Marni says it is unfortunate but people usually only make changes because they reach a pain point. Chris says some of the couples may be using the ultimatum as a pattern interrupter, an effort to make the other person aware of their patterns that cross a boundary.
If someone gives you an ultimatum is it based on a problem you have or is it about them?
People tend to think they can find someone better but later come to realize maybe they can not. The show highlights this. If the issue is to marry or not to marry, an ultimatum can take the “fantasy” or made-up “other person” out of the equation.
The Ultimatum Couples
The internet loves April after she tells Jake there is a reason why they are not working and it is total BS to acquiesce without solving the issue. Lauren and Nate talk about the baby in a side conversation. Loren accepts Nate’s proposal during the show but says they need therapy. Hunter doesn’t want anyone else to have Alexis. He seems to be more motivated by fear than love.
If a person gives IN to an ultimatum right away, the issue will likely resurface at some time during the relationship.
Marni reminds us that even if we find someone we believe to be perfect for us, we remain the same until we do the work. Wherever you go, there you are. If we have a problem that has run through all of our relationships, maybe it is time we take a cold hard look at ourselves.
Zay comes home drunk. Rae punches Zay. Zay goes to Shanique to find solace but Shanique calls him out. Zay thought Shanique would accept him no matter how awful he is but she doesn’t. Shanique realizes she needs a grown-up man like Randall.
Colby loves Madeline. They live together and have dogs together but after the ultimatum, she goes to Randall. Randall is obviously putting his best foot forward but he will not have sex with her. She gets validation and connection from the passion of physical touch so it forces her to deal with her stuff.
Off-camera Colby goes out to a club to pick up chicks so he could participate in the experiment. Marni loves the scene where Colby goes to meet up with Madeline and her friends and they all rage against him. They say everything you should never say to someone you love.
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Marni speaks with Sage, Coach, Veteran Business Strategist, and Thought Leader, Kalyn Wilson. Kalyn’s work experience includes influential non-profits, city government, part CEO, principal consultant, and Ph.D. candidate, and has cultivated talent management wins at Fortune 100 companies. Her life and career outlook are inspiring and thought-provoking. There are so many useful nuggets in this episode!
Key takeaways from this episode:
How to create your life on your terms
Managing time and timing
The power of waiting on inspiration
The new world of work
The key to flow
What Makes Kalyn So Special? [2:41]
Kalyn knows how to create the life of her dreams. She has always been an advisor. In her youth, her grandmother would let her know the family’s business if she could keep up during conversations. She learned the power of listening and how to quickly read people's facial expressions. Her gift was to be emotionally intelligent enough to know how to respond.
It may not always feel like it, she says but people around us are always paying attention and becoming inspired by our lives in ways we can not always measure.
Recognize your influence and leverage it for good.
How to Get the Life and Career You Deserve [5:34]
Expanding the definition of what is possible for ourselves and using our inner wisdom to know when to take action is how we can create a life we feel in alignment with. Timing makes the difference between us catching a moment or reacting to a moment. The pandemic made a lot of us feel as though we missed our moment a long time ago, but we didn’t. The time is now!
The management of time and timing is critical for success and wellbeing.
Kalyn believes that, for many people, it is the destination they focus on and not the journey they are on. If more people took the time to think about their life as a whole, as a journey they would make strategic decisions about who and where they want to be.
We are not machines. Everything needs rest and recovery. When we do not listen to our inner Self, our immune systems weaken and our bodies get stressed out with anxiety. We inherently know when to stop, we just need to trust our journey and do what is best for us.
Don’t wait too late. Amazing things happen when we listen to the timing of the universe.
The pandemic made working from home the best alternative for employers to keep their workforces producing. Now, they may be motivated to get people back into the office simply because they have so much money invested in the existing real estate. If you prefer working from home, tell employers the value they get from giving you what you want.
Sometimes we play savior in situations that are not worth being saved.
She reminds us that we are moving out of the post-industrial era and work is changing. Previously, corporations held the power to tell us at what pace work should change. In today’s world, talent has the leverage. Tap into what you love to do and where you love to do it. Collect the data, make the ask, and then make decisions about what best aligns with you.
Get clear about exactly what it is that keeps you feeling in control.
Be aware of what you want.
The key to flow is the willingness to balance wait and action.
Everything doesn’t need to be now, now, now.
True creatives wait for their inspiration. It comes with divine timing.
Have compassion for yourself.
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Marni and Chris recap Season Two of Love is Blind. Be warned, Marni binge-watched the season and this episode contains spoilers. Shayne and Sal didn’t win at love but won plenty of female followers, Shaina is custom-made for The Bachelor, and Deepti deserves more than a man-child.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Overcoming mistakes in relationships
Acceptance and forgiveness
Why do people get wasted the night before their wedding?
How to be rejection-proof
When You Make a Mistake in a Relationship [2:11]
Marni points out that several incidents must have happened off-camera that are integral to the show and the end of the season seemed a bit disjointed because of it. There are pivotal moments when the couples who got married were able to let things go, forgive, and move on.
The biggest shock was when Shayne got wasted the day before his wedding. He truly showed his warts. If you are dating someone and a huge mistake is made, you must be able to accept their apology. Natalie hears the I’m sorry but she couldn’t seem to take in his love and his apology at her soul level. This may result in her building a wall and she may have a hard time opening up in the future. Shayne doesn’t know how to say sorry any other way.
Shayne seemed to see beyond Natalie’s flaws and to love and accept her for who she was. Natalie seemed like she had an idea of who Shayne was but when she figured out she couldn’t control him, she wanted out of the relationship. Shayne told her he wasn’t going to change who he was. He needed her to fight for them and it takes two.
Marni believes Natalie set a boundary to run if something like this ever happened. She was looking for reasons to rule Shayne out rather than in. Generally, when men are with someone like Natalie, they never feel good enough.
A lot of people need to make others wrong to feel good about themselves.
Sal & Mallory Breakup at the Altar [22:52]
Again, something must have happened behind the scenes with Sal and Mal that we didn’t get to see. Chris thinks Mallory was never as into Sal as much as she should have been. The internet disagrees with her. The ladies of the web find Sal endearing and romantic. He gave Mallory space which is refreshing.
Marni reminds us that we are the common denominator in all of our relationships. It could be possible that people who offer us pure love and attention scare us because we don’t know how to accept love and kindness.
Some women create drama where there doesn’t need to be any because they don’t feel worthy of love.
Shake & Deepti [29:43]
Shake did not feel worthy of Deepti, and he is probably right. Even his mother told him to do Deepti a favor and break it off. He is a real jerk on the reunion show. Marni thinks he is in the process of man-volving but isn’t far enough along in his journey to get over the rejection without being childish about it. Deepti deserves a better man.
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Marni speaks with the author of Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, Jessica Baum. Jessica is the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach, a practice that provides couples therapy, family counseling, and addiction therapy. She has worked with thousands of clients for over a decade. She helps clients make a meaningful connection with themselves so they can better understand how they relate to people in relationships.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Understanding an Anxious Attachment style
What it means to do “the work”
Being compassionate toward other people
Why your body is holding on to past trauma
Cultivating a great, deep love
How the Anxious Attachment Style Relates to Your Love Life [2:17]
Attachment styles are embedded patterns that get developed early in life. They get embedded in our nervous system. We repeat hurts from childhood in our adult relationships because it is the way we learned to adapt, connect, and survive. For anxious people, it comes with a lot of self-sacrifices.
Twenty-five percent of the population has an anxious attachment style. Secure people can feel anxiety in their relationships but people with an anxious attachment system tend to be hyperfocused on the external. They normally have a deep-seated abandonment wound. The way they survive is to make plans and keep things close. They may seem controlling but they are just trying to create calmness in their world.
People with an anxious attachment style are externally focused because they have trouble getting their own needs met.
Is It Intuition or a Past Trauma? [10:35]
When we are young and our hippocampus is not fully formed, we have implicit memory. When we are little we store sensations in our body. When sensations feel big, we know it is an old feeling that is resurfacing. Jessica reminds us that big sensations can be painful and cause us to lash out.
Awareness, compassion, and the right support can help us change behavior.
What are you doing to distract yourself from having real relationships?
Anxiously Attached: The Book [19:22]
A lot of couples go to Jessica when they are activated without understanding on a conscious level why they are acting the way they are. In her book, Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, Jessica breaks down what is happening to the nervous system of both people in the relationship and describes what they can do to gain a better understanding of what is happening, and what the other person is feeling.
Jessica says that when we form adult relationships we internalize them and they become part of how we build our secure sense of self. It is through these experiences we learn how to self-regulate.
You can’t fake safety but you can cultivate it.
Make a Connection:
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Marni welcomes the newest member of the Institute of Living Courageously, Patricia Diesel to the podcast. Patricia is a speaker, author, professional organizer, and certified life coach, and she educates people on the benefits of being organized to restore tranquility and a sense of order. She has been featured in Cosmo, Women’s Day, PBS, and Good Morning America.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Getting rid of old beliefs about who we are
Understanding why we want to attract a partner
How to release things back into the universe
Coming clean to live an authentic life
Why We Need to Declutter [4:01]
When we are emotionally invested in our stuff, it is a reflection of our history and our story. That is why things can be difficult to part with. Patricia says that is why decluttering our homes and our minds can be very cathartic. Professional organizers are trained to ask the questions that individuals don’t ask of themselves. Whether or not we are talking about decluttering material things, we are still talking about the clutter that surrounds our emotions and our minds. We invite things into our lives but there is a time to release those things back into the universe to bring us closure and peace of mind.
Our things are a reflection of who we are.
Man Clutter [10:30]
Patricia says we are all a bit messy with some things consistently but, there are some who have chronic disorganization. Women who are always attracting Mr. Wrong are addicted to finding a man who is bad for them. Having bad man habits is akin to hoarding. If they are always with the guy who is bad for them, they are collecting feelings and emotions. Some have a hard time letting go of what is familiar, even if it is unhealthy because they find comfort in the memory.
Let go of your Man Clutter!
If we can get connected to who we really are, free from our unhealthy attachments, free from past experiences, and release our fear we can create a life based on the terms we set for ourselves.
How Removing Clutter Brings Peace and Stability [17:29]
As we begin to learn more about ourselves and we allow ourselves to feel, Patricia says, the process of decluttering becomes beautiful. It offers us a chance to redefine ourselves and to decide who it is that we want to show to the world.
The unhealthy attachment we have to stuff or to men means there is probably a childhood wound at the core of our intentions. Decluttering offers us a chance for us to get to the root of the problem which allows us to grow and heal.
Patricia cautions us to declutter and unpack with baby steps. She recommends locating an area that needs decluttering, considering the amount of time the small project needs, and prioritizing ourselves by truly showing up and getting to work.
When we talk about coming clean and living our authentic life, we need to look at the real reason we want a partner in our life. What is the real reason we are putting ourselves out there to meet people?
Don’t lose sight of the real reason we want to attract another person into our lives.
Make a Connection:
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Learn how to attract your perfect equal… watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
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Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book — How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates