Marni and Chris Gillis are celebrating two million downloads of Life Check Yourself! During the conversation, they reflect on some of the biggest hot takes and lessons derived from the amazing episodes of Love Island, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Love on the Spectrum, and other reality dating shows.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
Doing the inside work to find your authentic self
How judging others creates a love shield
Finding joy amidst the chaos
Balancing feminine and masculine energy
The power of vulnerability
Build a Dating Strategy From the Inside Out [2:24]
Some people believe that what they don’t have is what is keeping them from finding a partner but no matter how beautiful and successful someone is if they don’t have core foundational self-worth they will not be able to attract the right person for the long-term. One thing the reality shows teach us is that beautiful people still really struggle.
When we listen to our critical inner voice it can steer us into uncertain territory.
Many women think they need to play a game or pretzel themselves into being someone that guys want when real attractiveness is just being yourself. It’s an inside job.
Reveal, Release, Rejuvenate, and Resource [12:17]
Healing the unconscious part of ourselves by rewiring our neural pathways allows us to release our perceived limitations and express our authentic selves. When we continue to resource our groundedness and sense of self, we become in tune with our inner knowing.
The False Protection of a Love Shield [20:57]
Marni reminds us that our brains want to protect us from being hurt but it is just an illusion of safety. Every day, even in a good relationship, won’t be butterflies and rainbows. There are real concrete skills to having a successful, fulfilling relationship.
It is possible to share all the love in your heart with another person.
Being Vulnerable to Create Connection [20:57]
Being vulnerable is a keystone of connection. Vulnerability is not just sharing a sad story. It is about being honest with yourself and sharing your truth with others EVEN when you don’t know how it will be received by others.
When we are rejection-proof we have the energy of attraction.
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Marni welcomes credentialed Life Coach, Hypnotherapist, Speaker, Personal Empowerment Expert, and Podcaster, Amy Green Smith to the show. Through her work, Amy helps move individuals to a place of radical personal empowerment and self-worth. She helps people find their voice in her guide, How to Find Your Voice Without Being a Dick. She is highly sought out because of her uncommon style of irreverence, wisdom, and humor.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
How to stop yourself from people-pleasing
Finding your voice and your truth
Direct communication skills
How women can speak up for themselves
Change the trajectory of your life
Amy says if we look at our biological makeup we are programmed to people-please in order to survive. Most of us have heard of the flight, fight, freeze, and fawn instincts. People-pleasing fits into the fawn defense. Fitting in is a fundamental human need because our ancestors needed a group to stay safe and survive. In modern times, it doesn't seem to make sense, but from childhood, we learn that people-pleasing is a safe behavioral tactic.
Finding our voice requires more than a quick fix. Amy says we must incorporate new patterns and habits to make the necessary wiring changes to our brains before we can experience true transformation.
Becoming aware that you are people-pleasing is the first step to finding your voice, but more importantly, you must take action to make a change.
How to Speak Up for Yourself Without Being A D*ck [14:03]
Amy reminds us that we cannot make someone feel something. 93% of our communication with another person is paraverbal and nonverbal, which leaves only 3% being the actual words we use. Heightening our emotional intelligence is the path forward when speaking up for ourselves. We must learn to be OK with someone else feeling something different than what we feel.
You are responsible for your intention, not your reception.
When we speak out of malice, are more combative, or we people-please, we are reacting to a sense of threat. We feel like we are in danger so we revert to what we feel will keep us safe. We must be sure we are in a safe situation; then we can be clear about our truth.
Hypnotherapy [29:49]
As part of her personal empowerment work, Amy uses hypnotherapy to reprogram the limiting inner critic most of us have. Slowing down our brain waves allows us to embed new belief systems that better serve us.
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Is your heart telling you to say YES instead of maybe, while your brain is putting on the brakes? Marni welcomes the inspirational Ken Bechtel into the Life Check Yourself studio. Ken is a podcast host and is the author of the recently released book, Follow Your YES. In his book and his program, Ken provides people with guidance on how to build confidence and eliminate overwhelm across all areas of their lives.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
The true meaning of maybe
How to listen to our hearts
Failures are our friends
How to draw the right people to us
Ken felt drawn to the message of Following Your YES when he realized that people weren’t setting themselves up to win. He felt compelled to write a book about it to help people lead their lives with it instead of getting around to it when there was time and space. There are a whole host of things that try to keep people from following their YES and he said enough is enough!
Ken believes YESes are like stepping stones. The trick is you won’t know what the next yes is until you take the first one. We can never know what is going to happen before it all starts.
So many people are frozen because they have fear of the unknown and too many what-ifs.
To identify our YES, Ken says we can’t think into it. Our YES is a feeling. It is not intellectual. It comes from our hearts. It is our divine guidance. And, who has a better view of what is possible, us or the divine? It sees the big picture.
Our brains are hardwired to fear the unknown because it only focuses on survival. If we haven’t done something yet, it wants to keep us from danger and effectively keeps us from taking the next step.
Missteps Are Our Friends
In his book, Follow Your YES, Ken has what looks to be a crazy acronym but is some great advice. YDKWYWUYKWYW stands for you don’t know what you want until you know what you don’t want. What Ken means by this is that knowing what we don’t want helps us know what we do want. It is an invitation to narrow things down and refine our targets.
Missteps and failures are our friends. They are helpful when refining our targets.
When we are following our YES, living our best life, and listening to our hearts, we become a radio station that broadcasts our favorite music. Other people on the same wavelength pick up on our signal and it leads them to us.
The Key to Getting Unstuck
Ken says the key to getting unstuck so we can follow our YESes with confidence starts with making a list of our maybes. A maybe is something you think you want but figure it will happen eventually. The next step is the big one and that is to put all of your energy into things that are YESes right now!
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Marni welcomes two young women who are close to her heart to assist in Chris Gillis’ absence. Her daughters Rayna and Kloey Battista add their perspectives to the real-life dating examples dished up on this season of Love Island.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
In the middle of the season, the producers wait until everyone is coupled up and then send the women off to meet a set of new guys and the guys become introduced to other women. It caused a ton of drama and good dating lessons.
Tasha and Andrew have been paired together for four weeks. Andrew seems enamored by Tasha, but he tries to be chill. Tasha tells Andrew he is her person yet tells other guys that she is open and willing to get to know them.
Marni asks Kloey and Rayna how this relates to dating in real-life. Is Tasha being on the level?
Andrew has girls telling him he is being screwed over so he acts vengefully. They were just trying to get him interested in them. They were gaslighting to some extent and he fell into the trap.
Remember ladies — It’s OK to date multiple people and you don’t need to tell the other people unless they ask.
Dating Lessons from Paige & Jacques [15:44]
Kloey says she finds the relationship between Paige and Jacques interesting because Paige says she doesn’t have time to train a man but then talks about the chemistry and connection they have. Jacques has shown yellow and red flags when he manipulates Paige. In real life, if Jacques would leave the villa without fighting for Paige, he doesn’t deserve her.
Rayna thinks he could have made up for leaving but he immediately went on the defensive. It seemed as if he tried to make her believe it was her fault. Jacques’ note was kind but it didn't seem genuine. Rayna found it disrespectful. Why should Paige wait for him?
Marni had a different reaction. She suggests that Jacques may have realized he was rude to Billy and needed to get out of there to cope with his feelings. Maybe Jacques has never let himself be vulnerable? Marni thinks he may love Paige but he is a child and can’t manage his emotions.
Does Danica Have an Agenda? [22:22]
Marni and the ladies dissect the super attractive, smart, professional, big-hearted, and direct girl who is Daneeka. Daneeka hasn’t been able to make a solid connection with any of her guys. She has an interview-style approach to first dates. Marni asks the ladies why she isn’t connecting.
On first dates, it is possible to navigate collecting data to make a connection without it seeming like an interview.
Marni says Danica is trying to fit the guys she dates into the role she already has planned for them. Which can be a turn-off and limit true vulnerability.
Make a Connection:
Marni welcomes the best-selling author of Project Everlasting and founder of the revolutionary Manifest Your Man program, Mat Boggs into the Life Check Yourself studio. Mat has been helping millions of people around the world attract love and have fun finding fulfilling relationships. He is a sought-after dating and relationship expert. He's been featured on the Today Show, CNN, Headline News, and Oprah & Friends.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
Identifying a shared vision with the Magic Wand question
What Mat means by Rehearse, Nurse, and Curse
Overcoming your limiting beliefs
Your history does not determine your destiny
Rejection is just a step closer to what you want
A human’s purpose on this planet is to learn how to give and receive love. Growth comes when we make mistakes and change the actions we take in the future. One of the best ways we can grow is to ask others for feedback. In Mat’s case, his goal was to write a book people absolutely loved or didn't. When he enlisted Beta Readers, the readers who didn't like his book at first, gave him better feedback about how he could make the book better.
Mat says there is a difference between intention and impact. And he uses this lesson over and over again. If you know someone’s heart is in the right place, but something they do creates a negative outcome for you, it is important to have a ten-minute sweaty-palmed conversation to clear the air without attacking the other person.
Do not take things personally because, often, people don’t do things with bad intentions.
Labels & Overcoming Limitations
We all use labels because they fast-track conversations and help people identify us better. Another reason is that some people want to commiserate and want attention.
If we get too attached to our labels, the label can then turn into our identity.
Mat reminds us that where our intention goes, energy flows. Research rooted in neuroscience shows that our brains make connections based on repetition. The more we label ourselves as “something” we will eventually start to identify with that label.
If we can put more attention on where we are going and where we want to be, it is much easier to overcome the place we have been when we focus on where we want to be.
Rise above the old definition of you and create something beautiful for your life.
Four Questions to Manifest a Loving Relationship Now!
A person’s ability to manifest what they want comes down to their ability to be clear about what they want, understand what may be holding them back and the actions they need to take to get what they want, and accept their desires once they achieve them.
Mat offers four high-quality questions to ask yourself once you become clear about what you want. They are:
Fear — What have you been resisting about opening your heart and having a relationship?
Accept — What do you need to face about the situation to make peace?
Choice — What choice could I make to move in that direction?
Take Action — What actions do you need to take to move you forward?
Your history does not determine your destiny.
To figure out if you and a guy have a common vision about relationships, there is a magic wand question you can ask during a date. The question is — If you had a magic wand, what would you create for your love life?
Make a Connection:
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Marni and Chris Gillis are back to fish out all the best real-life dating lessons from the watery depths of Love Island. The show pairs up singles and then injects new, hot singles into the mix every so often just to keep things juicy. The love lessons in this surreal show may not be readily apparent to the naked eye, but Marni and Chris know just where to look.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
Dating more than one person at a time
Expressing vulnerability and commitment
Why the experiment doesn’t paint a clear picture of what is possible in early dating
When you should be cautiously optimistic
Should We Play the Field [3:05]
When Marni and her team coach clients, creating a funnel and dating multiple people is promoted. Of course, until they figure out who their best person is. On Love Island, they start to build connections and then they bring in new people.
Marni finds herself conflicted. The contestants have core relationships but they are flirting or kissing the singles who were recently added. Should they be a tad more committed or are they doing the right thing by playing the field?
It's less about the number of dates and more about the quality. Does the other person have the same vision or values? Are they looking for the same things?
Casa Amor * Spoiler Alert [12:21]
If you haven’t seen the Casa Amor episode yet, don’t read this part. Regarding Andrew and Tasha; Andrew was working hard to make Tasha feel loved and safe because she is insecure. He obviously likes her a lot. The other guys are saying he is getting played, but Marni doesn’t see it. When new girls, aka B-team, are introduced, they also reinforce the idea that Tasha has been treating Andrew poorly because she is talking to other guys. He starts dating someone else right away.
We all want to feel special. Are you making your partner feel special?
Casting Their Lines [19:29]
Marni and Chris discuss the cast and how they seem to be unable to get vulnerable and express what they like to each other. Plus, they note that the Casa Amor is a tough experiment to gauge a relationship on because contestants didn’t get a chance to create a solid foundation beforehand. Most of them stayed in cautiously optimistic mode and no one really clarified their feelings for another person.
When a guy says he is really interested in you and his words and actions match, be cautiously optimistic. Because everyone can say that you are everything they want, but true compatibility is proven sustainable over time.
Make a Connection:
Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!
Follow Along On Marni and Jeremy’s Radical Living Challenge!
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Marni welcomes Shoshana, a graduate of The 5 KEYS to Becoming Irresistible program, into the studio to share the amazing relationship journey she has had since she invested in herself and the course. She credits the course for the major mindset shifts and healed relationships she has had in the last three years.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Investing in yourself pays off
The benefits of being clear about what you want
Being empowered to ask for what you want
Using the relationship tools in real life
Before investing in the 5 KEYS program, Shoshana says she was a butterfly who kept telling herself she wanted a relationship but wasn’t taking the necessary actions to be ready for one. The one phrase that stuck out to her during the course was:
The common denominator in all of your relationships is you.
The phrase really impacted her. She had never thought about how she was showing up in the world when it came to intimate relationships or what her view of partnerships was before then.
The course made her recognize her avoidant tactics. They were:
She didn’t take dating seriously
She would quickly get intimate with men she didn’t really know
She never expressed her needs
She wasn’t clear about what she wanted from a relationship
At first, she was hesitant to pay for a course for something she thought she should already know how to do but she had to let go of the shame. She realized she had to humble herself to ask for help.
As it turns out, the program filtered into her entire life. It empowered her to have a better life on her terms.
What Was Different About Dating
Shoshana was on the beach with her family on the 4th of July. She met a guy who was at a nearby party and it turns out they had many things in common. They hit it off and stayed together chatting on the beach long after everyone else left.
During the early days of her relationship, Shoshana had the courage to tell her guy that if she slept with him too soon she would become insecure. She reveals that having the courage to say that to someone, to date at her own pace, and tell the person why she didn’t want to sleep with them yet was super empowering.
Knowing your non-negotiables allows you to have the relationship you have always wanted.
Empowering Tools Not Rules
Shoshana says she realized that it wasn’t about trying to win someone over and get them to be in a relationship with her. It was about what she wanted and her non-negotiables. In this relationship, they both acknowledged their attraction to each other and talked about how they were showing up in the initial dating process.
You don’t have to make it work with everyone you date, and you probably don’t want to.
She is now living with her French boyfriend who lives in the U.S. They travel together frequently.
Make a Connection:
Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!
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