Marni welcomes Marie Garvey to the Life Check Yourself studio where the duo talks about what it means for a woman to find her own voice and be in her own power, proudly. Marie is an entrepreneur, a motivational speaker and an executive and life coach who has empowered women to find success while being present in their power. From a young age, women are programmed into the good girl mentality. Marie helps them break free of that to become who they are meant to be today rather than who those around them have defined them as.
Our worth isn’t in other people’s hands
How to stop being uncomfortable with conflict
It’s a good girl rebellion
What Happens to the Good Girl? [07:52]
The Good Girl mentality breeds a form of constant expectations where you're always waiting to get a pat on the back or to be commended for doing the right thing. But the danger with that is what happens when you don’t get that pat on the back or the recognition for having been a “good.” And that usually results in women working harder, and thinking that if they just do more, they'll get it.
We’ve been told, ‘Don’t be too much,’ and we’re walking around being people pleasers and perfectionists all the time.
Step Into Your Feminine [15:14]
It is okay to be in your feminine and your masculine energy because both are valuable. But own your feminine energy because the world needs that. Women are better listeners and collaborators whereas men tend to see the world more in black and white. Hone in your feminine advantages and step into that energy.
I think every woman I’ve met, certainly every woman I work with has moderated their light to fit what they believe the world can handle of them.
You Got This [19:55]
When it comes to the workforce, a lot of women don’t trust their own capabilities or power. It’s this overwhelming sense of ‘I haven’t earned this.’
And it is that kind of mentality that stops them from putting their hat in the ring.
There are so many corporations that want women at the highest levels. And my biggest problem is convincing them that they’re ready for it.
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Marni welcomes Shyama Mathews to The Life Check Yourself where the duo discusses what it means to go through menopause and how to handle the changes your body is experiencing. Shyama is a gynecologist who is trained in minimal invasive gynecology surgery as well as a certified menopause specialist. She has helped women navigate their families and careers while enhancing their quality of life. In tackling the topic of menopause, Marni and Shyama agree that it isn’t something that is discussed enough, and it’s important to bear in mind that different women experience it differently. The transition, which has both mental and physical symptoms, is a subject that needs to gain more traction as it affects all women at some point.
Menopause isn’t the big bad wolf
Not everyone experiences it in the same way
How to seek the right information on menopause
Does Our Fear Stem From Misinformation [09:36]
Menopause isn’t a topic typically discussed in the media. The information surrounding menopause and what women should expect isn’t as readily available as other topics. While there are a number of resources, you need to actively search for them as they won’t necessarily how up on your feed. While the average age for menopause is around 50. However, the symptoms for menopause can start manifesting themselves 5 to 7 years before that.
It isn’t actually an irrelevant topic for young women because I do think everyone should sort of know what’s coming down the road.
Don’t DIY it [13:00]
It’s important to find the proper channels and experts to guide you through it when you start experiencing symptoms that you’re not familiar with. When you’re in an age bracket where it is likely to be menopause, do your research and find an expert to help you navigate it and dissect whether the symptoms are a byproduct of menopause or something else.
Go for a consultation just like you would treat any other illness or problem. Go to a specialist for a special problem.
Know Your Options [22:28]
Educating yourself on your body is important, especially as a woman. It could save you a lot of otherwise unnecessary trouble. As women, we need to be aware of our options and that comes through education.
We have old information. We’re doing a huge disservice.
Make a Connection:
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Ready To Take Control Of Your Dating Life? Book A Call With Us
Marni welcomes Leah Van Dolder to The Life Check Yourself where the duo discusses our relationship with food, perfectionism, and the line that separates success from failure. Leah is a mindset coach who has helped thousands of clients hit their weight goal while simultaneously leveling up their confidence and their energy, as well as achieving a stronger sense of self. Women often set high expectations for themselves, and while that might be good in a lot of cases, it can also be destructive when too much expectation is placed on a certain goal.
How to achieve your goal sustainably
The key is achievable goals
How to have that wake-up call
Allow Yourself to be Human [06:26]
Your mindset should be taking it one step at a time. Don’t overwhelm yourself because that is not sustainable and will not get you to where you need to be. Rather than jump all in with unrealistic expectations, break up your goal into achievable steps. You are human, so allow yourself room for error.
What are those daily things that we can do? Such as drinking a liter of water before bed, blocking those workouts in your schedule, or having an appointment with yourself 3 days a week.
Listen to your soul [10:59]
When you feel a certain desire, one that is nagging at you, listen to it. It’s there for a reason. It’s meant to happen for you. But you need to be the one to make it a reality. Make time for what it is you want to achieve.
There’s never going to be a right time to make a change.
What’s Your Relationship with Food [18:20]
Examine your eating habits, look at your relationship with food. We all placate ourselves by reasoning with ourselves. Whether we’re overeating because we don’t want to waste food or we are invited out for dinner at a 5-star restaurant, there is always a way around these excuses.
When it comes to a choice of our own, I think to myself, ‘okay, who is living and feeling the consequence of my choice?
Make a Connection:
Are You Making These Unconscious Mistakes With Men? *Free Training*
Ready To Take Control Of Your Dating Life? Book A Call With Us
Marni welcomes Naketa Ren to The Life Check Yourself where the duo talks about balancing life, love, and success as well as learning how to take pauses when you need them. Naketa is a podcast host, author, and the number one balance and relationship advisor globally. The powerhouse helps clients find that work-life balance, build a sustainable successful business while also prioritizing mental health and personal relationships. And it all starts with knowing when to slow down, and how to do it.
Give yourself permission to slow down
How to be mindful
How to leave an imprint on the world
The Multigenerational Imprint [10:17]
The multigenerational imprint that you leave on this planet begins with yourself. It stems from showing up as an individual that honors authenticity, transparency, and kindness. It’s by practicing all those qualities with yourself that you can then share them with others. Be kind to yourself, be transparent with yourself and be authentic and honest when looking inwards.
Authenticity is different from transparency. You could be very authentic and show up as fully who you are but not be transparent with why you are being that way.
How You Show Up Could be Killing You [15:47]
How do you speak to yourself? Is it with kindness? Or are you harsh on yourself? Focus on what it is you say to you because when you put yourself down, and stress yourself out, you’re not only unhealthy mentally but physically as well. Stress dictates a big part of our physical health. It accounts for a high percentage of non-congenital illnesses.
How you think of yourself and how you show up for yourself could be killing you slowly.
Imagine all of those hidden diseases and hidden illnesses that are stress-induced.
High Egos And Corporate Traumas [21:00]
It’s not a bad thing to have an ego, but it is bad to let your ego run the whole show. Unfortunately, we can’t change another person’s ego. What we can do is hold up a mirror to them but sometimes it’s not enough.
And in a work environment, your superiors' egos could be destructive to your mental well-being as well as those around you. But how do you galvanize the shift?
You can change how you react to the person while building your exit plan.
Make a Connection:
Are You Making These Unconscious Mistakes With Men? *Free Training*
Ready To Take Control Of Your Dating Life? Book A Call With Us
Marni welcomes Dr.Ken Druck to the Life Check Yourself where the duo discusses how to heal from loss and use it to become a better version of yourself. Dr.Ken is a best-selling author who has coached leaders both in business and in government. Having gone through the tragic loss of his daughter Jenna, Dr.Ken managed to develop groundbreaking work that has helped bereaved families and taught people how to recuperate from life’s biggest losses.
- How do you go on?
- Putting your hand on your heart
- How to calibrate the plan
What Now? [06:50]
Move from harsh criticism to kind self-compassion. What you tell yourself is important, particularly after a loss. The narrative that you tell yourself is what will determine whether you’ll lift yourself up or whether you’ll sink and miss a potential opportunity to grow.
Of course, you don’t know what to do. How could you? You this is all new. How could you not feel fearful?
Begin by Learning [16:21]
The first step starts with you. To be compassionate with others, you need to first be compassionate with yourself. One you’ve practiced self-compassion, then you can turn it outwards and truly help those around you. Don’t repress the feelings you dislike but rather sit with them.
Nothing special has happened because it’s all special.
The Seven Honorings [20:22]
There are several ways to honor someone you’ve lost. Your own survival is one of them. You get to honor the person you’ve lost by being adamant on living, on surviving. Be stubborn about it. The second is doing something good in their name because that’s something that never dies. That is how you keep them alive beyond the physical world.
It clears the ability in us to take what began as the purest love then became an unspeakable sorrow and to turn it back into the purest love.
Make a Connection:
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
- Are You Making These Unconscious Mistakes With Men? *Free Training*
- Ready To Take Control Of Your Dating Life? Book A Call With Us
- Polina’s Free guide - Love by Design Pyramid
Marni welcomes Crystal Ware to Life Check Yourself where the duo discusses what it means to become the best version of yourself in life, love, and business. Crystal is a former Fortune 500 corporate leader and attorney who realized she wanted more out of life. She quit her job and became an entrepreneur and started her own podcast to help women take charge of their lives. And it all begins with removing the limiting belief that you do not have a choice and getting clear on your vision.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to break free from excuses
- Get clear on your vision
- How to find that freedom
Are You in a Vicious Cycle? [07:10]
Are you strong enough? Are you smart enough? These are the questions that usually pull a person back into a cycle that they have been trying to get out of, or rather that they know they want to get out of. Fear. Fear in all its forms, fear of rejection, fear of judgment keep you spiraling in that loop. It’s almost like a constant vicious cycle that prevents you from getting off where you need to in order to get to the metaphorical train station.
One of the first things you need to do is get really clear on where you want to end up, having that live vision for yourself is the most important thing.
Break Free from Limiting Beliefs [12:24]
It’s important to recognize that, no matter what stage you’re in, you always have a choice in your career, in your relationship, and in your life in general. Part of that is taking steps towards breaking free from the limiting beliefs you may be holding.
I think when you have the courage to recognize it then the power is liberating.
But What Are Virtuous Cycles? [17:00]
Reframe the question. It’s vital to ask yourself the questions that matter. What would give you more peace? How do you get more satisfaction and happiness? Everybody is tied down by things but it’s about looking at what brings you peace of mind. And finding the answers to those questions is what is going to align your heart, your soul, your body, and your mind with the world. The virtuous cycle is more about finding the positives that you have to contribute to the world and how to make them work for you.
What are the attributes about you that make you shine? How can you turn them into positivity in the world?.
Make a Connection:
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
- Are You Making These Unconscious Mistakes With Men? *Free Training*
- Ready To Take Control Of Your Dating Life? Book A Call With Us
Marni welcomes Veronica Amaya in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they discuss how to elevate your relationship game and communicate with your partner in a way to get them to listen. Veronica is a relationship and dating coach, and the founder of the Conscious Relationship School. She has helped thousands of women and men overcome dating anxiety and break unhealthy relationship patterns.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Men are team players
- You attract what you believe
- How to communicate softly
Leave Your Judgment at the Door [05:15]
Sometimes, the blame that women attribute to men stems from a place of self-protection and self-preservation. However, when you date with these negative stereotypes about men living in the back of your mind, you end up interpreting everything your partner does through that lens.
You also end up attracting the type of person you fear most.
If you believe a certain thing then you’re going to have that experience. We have to look at how you create those new beliefs that will reflect what you want.
Trust Him to Lead [13:00]
It’s important for the man in a relationship to feel really strong in himself so that he can be secure in the knowledge that he is capable of handling things.
When you start putting more trust in your partner, very often he’s going to show up in ways you didn’t expect.
I think once the butterflies and rainbow part of a relationship is over, these are the things that can sabotage a really good relationship.
The Medium is the Message [19:00]
It’s about communicating softly. It’s in the way you say things. That doesn’t mean that you need to stay silent but rather that you need to say things in a kind and soft way.
Many women go immediately into anger. Men are usually logic-oriented. So, if you give him this problem to fix, he will respond.
Sometimes that means that you won’t get your needs met immediately. Sometimes, you’re going to have a lot of pain that comes up too. That’s part of softness.
Make a Connection:
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
- Follow us on Instagram @marnibattista_
- Join Veronika’s FREE Meetup group for weekly live webinars on Dating & Relationships
Marni welcomes Silvia Quintella in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they discuss how to clear your path of energy you’ve been holding onto from previous experiences to begin embracing your authentic self. Silvia is an entrepreneur and a certified transformational life coach who has found her passion in energy healing and helping others. She’s guided many women in their journey towards finding their authentic selves and following their intuition.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Find safety in your authenticity
- How to get to the root cause
- Disconnect from that ex
Release That Energy…it’s Holding you Back [06:03]
Coming out of a relationship or a divorce can leave us feeling emotionally imbalanced and energetically depleted. As women move towards middle age, it is particularly questions like, “Will I fall in love again?”, “Am I lovable enough?” that start plaguing them.
However, it’s vital to release the energetic force that they’ve carried during and as a result of that former relationship, or in some cases, from all those former relationships.
Find a balance between body, mind, and soul. It’s not just what my mind wants but what my soul wants.
Give the Order [22:50]
To talk to your spiritual team, you don’t need to meditate or do a particular ritual. Just close your eyes, put your hand on your heart, and say, ‘I know what I’m going through and I deserve better. You know I deserve better, so take the lead.’
And that order rewires your brain.
You touch your heart to silence the ego mind.
Trust Yourself [29:02]
Learn to develop trust in yourself. Usually, we have trust issues because the inner child has something that is missing. We need to acknowledge that little girl’s vulnerabilities and weaknesses. We need to explore where they stem from and why.
Next is identifying where we feel it in our body.
Imagine that thing is being removed from every single cell in your body.
Make a Connection:
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
Marni welcomes Frank E Legette III in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they discuss the most common mistakes women make when it comes to relationships and how to improve said relationships, or rather how to know if it’s time to call it quits. Frank is a life coach for women, a pastor and author of the book, The Art of Womanhood. He’s been providing guidance for single women who are looking for a loving relationship for years and empowering them to leave toxic relationships and find their happiness.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Don’t chase him
- How to keep the power
- What is he working for?
Don’t Put him in the Driver’s Seat [15:03]
Using a metaphor, Frank explains that when in a car ride, it is the driver that determines the speed and the direction of the journey. Similarly, in a relationship, it is the driver that is the pursued and the passenger that is the pursuer. Following that logic, one of the main mistakes women make is that they put the man in the driver seat of the relationship before he has earned the right to occupy that space. When the man is in the driver’s seat, he is given the power to determine the direction of the relationship.
She doesn’t know if he’s capable of loving her the way she wants to be loved. And all of a sudden, he’s in the driver’s seat. He determines how quickly this relationship goes..
Broken Heart Syndrome [24:25]
Can a broken heart lead to health complications? Frank elaborates that it has been found that having broken spirit, or rather being unhappy can lead to a series of medical complications, especially among women. And for many women, this source of unhappiness can stem from a toxic relationship. When a woman is unhappy or stressed, two hormones are secreted: adrenaline and cortisol. And these can lead to health complications.
It affects more women than it does men because they refuse not to be loved by the man that they pledged their loyalty and fealty too. And it affects their happiness.
Build a Solid Foundation [30:06]
Women assume that men know how they want to be treated and how they want to be loved. However, it is the woman herself who is the only one that knows how she wants to be loved and treated – men don’t know, regardless of how many relationships they’ve been in.
When you start a new relationship, you’re building a foundation. And if you make it to the altar, on the wedding day, you don’t get a new foundation.
Make a Connection:
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
Marni welcomes Aaron Johnson to the Life Check Yourself studio where they discuss the importance of feeling your feels. The duo delves into the ways in which to hold that space for someone who might not have been socialized into expressing themselves in a healthy manner. Aaron is the co-founder of Holistic Resistance and Grief to Action where he works to help facilitate the healing process for men, particularly within BIPOC communities. How does one heal trauma and process it in a healthy way? And where do we start?
Takeaways from this episode:
- Why crying is a necessary release
- What is tender platonic touching?
- How to feel your feels
Platonic Touching [08:40]
In the exceedingly masculine culture that is America, many men suffer from what Aaron has termed being “chronically under-touched.” What that means is that they did not have enough tender platonic touching growing up. And this manifests in a certain way in one’s adult life.
Tenderness for men, with men, lands in our body initially as violence. It feels like violence, and violence feels like normal. We have to heal that trauma.
Let Him Build Creativity [13:15]
When men aren’t coming from a chronically under-touched state, they are able to be more present within a relationship. But how does one nurture that side of themselves? One of the ways is through creativity.
Now, that does not mean that as women, we need to do this for our partners but rather it means we need to be supportive of them while allowing them to do it on their own. This is a part of their growth.
It’s so important to practice being a good witness but not going in and rescuing right away.
Release and Repair [19:20]
Releasing and repairing are cornerstones of healing. Somatic experiences aid in the release necessary for healing trauma. Music is a somatic discharge experience. While it has historically been used as a means for healing, particularly within POC communities, music has recently become part of mainstream mental health toolkit.
And for good reason, it is a method that is inspiring and profound.
We don’t have a life design in America to actually take somatic healing in its full depth; we’re taking sip of it but we don’t actually have a life design.
Make a Connection:
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
- Follow us on Instagram @marnibattista_
Marni welcomes Mick Heyman to the Life Check Studio where they discuss sound money management. The duo delves into how to manage your finances while staying mellow. Mick is the CFA and founder of Heyman Investments and has been working in wealth investments for over 40 years. A lot of people struggle when it comes to growing and organizing their wealth which inevitably leads to stress. But what are actually the best practices? And where does one start? More importantly how do we deal with our finances while still retaining our chill?
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to stay mellow
- Don’t completely listen to the headlines
- Look back to understand
Examine Your Own Emotions [12:06]
Every single person is unique. What one person can handle; another might not be able to. So, when making certain financial decisions, look at your own emotions and assess what risks you are able to take. It’s equally important to bear in mind that regardless of how much you prepare, surprises will occur. And when they do, you need to have strong hands.
Nobody should have more stock than their sleeping level.
Pay Yourself First [22:40]
Paying yourself first means that wherever that check is coming from, it’s vital to first start by putting a little something away. And that practice eventually becomes a habit that you take with you.
Think of it as money buckets. You put money into those depending on what you want to grow and what you’re okay with risking. For example, one bucket could be for your dream house while the other could be for house maintenance and so on. A little bit of knowledge goes a long way.
Knowing what you own can really help you.
Money, Money, Money [29:02]
It’s important to be patient and to acknowledge that there will be times where you won’t necessarily be hitting your target. There are certain aspects you can control and others that you can’t. The market is one of the things, for example, that you can’t control, and that’s something you need to accept.
In the end, look at what the long-term can do for you, and you’ll relax.
Make a Connection:
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
In this new series of Life Check Yourself, Marni divulges the tips and tricks for professional, successful women to optimize the big work, big life balance. In this episode, the life coach discusses what to do when you feel stuck, whether it’s at work, in a relationship, or in a personal project. Many women feel frustrated when they find themselves unable to achieve a certain goal, and the advice given to them is to work harder. But what if that is not the right advice? In this episode Marni delves into why strategy isn’t the be all and end all of achieving your dreams. It is more about mastering your inner game.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Why overworking yourself is not the answer
- Stop Trusting the external
- Have you been asking yourself the wrong questions?
Why Aren’t the Results Matching Your Intentions? [00:20]
On a professional, as well as a personal level, many women end up feeling frustrated after having put in so much effort and so much of themselves into a certain goal that didn’t yield the results they were expecting. What usually ends up happening is they automatically decide to work harder, and put in twice as much effort. But sometimes working too hard might actually be moving them further away from the answers they need to succeed.
Women, especially, have this built-in wiring and programming that the more that we do (for other people), the more that we shine, the more that we show how great we are, the more we perfect, the more we deliver then we will get noticed for that.
Look in the Mirror [ 07:40]
When things don’t go your way, remove your focus from the external and look inwards. In order to achieve your dreams, you need to be brutally honest with yourself. Rather than focus on strategy, look internally for the answers as to why you are stuck in a certain situation.
Ask yourself the questions that matter instead of diminishing yourself, and laying blame on yourself. Because what doesn’t move you closer to the answers you need to succeed, moves you further away.
What is it that I am pretending not to know in order for me to have the problem I think I have?
Are You Aligned With Your Goals? [12:30]
To succeed, you need to be emotionally-connected to what you are doing, whatever that is. Look at your heartset and your mindset because things fall into place when your authentic self is in alignment with your goals.
There is a difference between what you should do and what you want to do. It’s a trap that a lot of people fall into as they scramble to do what they think is expected of them. However, it is more important for you to do what resonates with you on an internal level.
There are shoulds that are pre-programmed in that are distracting them. They’re working on these things that they think they should do, rather than the things that are really connected to their heartset.
Make a Connection:
Marni welcomes Kim DeYoung in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they discuss the fear that comes with making choices. The duo delve into the ways with which to overcome that indecision that paralyzes a lot of men and women when faced with an important decision. Kim is an entrepreneur, choice coach, and the author of The Book of Choice. She has had over two decades of experience in helping entrepreneurs and individuals make meaningful choices that help them bring their ideas and dreams to life.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Let go of fear
- A lot of it is about consciousness
- What is the choice mapping process?
You Control All Your Choices [06:55]
Everybody has to make choices. It's unavoidable, and we’re making thousands of them a day whether we realize it or not. It is important to realize that you have agency and control over your choices. Even when it is something that is out of your control, your agency lies in how you choose to react to it. The key is to find where in that choice you actually have control.
Many of us have been conditioned into thinking that we can’t make a choice due to past experiences among other things. Release that limiting belief.
We sit in a story about who we were, how we were labeled. All of those stories, if we don’t consciously work to get rid of them or remarry them, affect how we show up and how we make choices.
The Choice Mapping System [11:28]
It is important to capture the important internal dialogue for yourself. In noting down your choices and keeping track of them, you are able to learn and grow.
In every choice, whether a positive or negative outcome, there is something to be learned. It is always unfolding for you even when sometimes it doesn’t feel good.
For better or for worse, all the choices we make are unlocking a treasure trove.
A Leap of Faith [17:56]
It is almost like a tug war where on the one hand your fear is holding you back but on the other hand what is possible is pulling you into the future. But pushing forward requires a sense of awareness, consciousness and alertness. It starts by doing the work on yourself and showing up for yourself.
Step into what’s possible to let go of the fear of what’s there.
Make a Connection:
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
- Follow us on Instagram @marnibattista_
- Kim DeYoung's book: The Book of Choice
- Kim DeYoung’s FREE 5 Questions to Ask Before Making a Choice
Marni welcomes Arielle Ford in the Life Check Yourself studio where they discuss love, betrayal, revenge and healing. Arielle Ford is a celebrated relationship and love expert; she has written over ten non-fiction books. For her most recent novel, The Love Thief, which is fiction, the author draws from real-life experiences to breathe life into her characters who find themselves in situations that mimic real life. The duo discusses why women fall for certain types of men and how these men get into their heads. How do these smart women end up getting hurt despite knowing better? What does it mean to feel the sting of betrayal? Most people have felt it but not everyone has drawn a lesson out of it. Sometimes it takes a few betrayals to get closer to differentiating between what is love and what isn’t. There is light at the end of the tunnel and that light will help guide you to the right one if you give yourself the chance.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Don’t Overlook the Red Flags
- Falling in love is like being on drugs
- How to come out the other side
- Don’t beat yourself up; learn
- Is love all you need?
- Love is a choice
Betrayal is Universal [10:40]
We’ve all done silly things in the name of love. And many of us have beaten ourselves up over not knowing better. But why is it that when someone shows who they are, we don’t believe them?
We’ve all either dated or heard of the toxic narcissist type. He’s smooth, he gets into your head, and he says and does all the right things…at first. What this type does though is target smart, beautiful and successful women. On the one hand, it could be taken as a compliment that he chose you – but regardless, run for the hills. And in the case where you don’t, here’s a little breakdown of that type.
How does he manage to get into our heads? Well, firstly this type of man doesn’t go for the average woman. He goes after the one that is constantly trying to make something of herself; the one who is independent and driven; and the one who gets satisfaction from her career. She is also the one that might crave a certain kind of love, the one who wants a partner who’ll whisper all the things she wants to hear into her ear, the one who longs for a partner who sees her, and the one who wants to be wined and dined.
And that’s exactly how he gets in the door. He plays the role of prince charming, and for a while, he does it well. But in the back of our head, we know that it feels too good to be true. But, by the time we’ve realized that it is in fact too good to be true, we’re already hooked.
Getting over heartbreak is harder than recovering from a cocaine addiction. It’s because of brain chemistry. And I like to call the state of being in love, the socially acceptable form of insanity.
When a person falls in love, their brain is on drugs; it’s on oxytocin, adrenaline and dopamine – all the feel-good hormones. And the person keeps craving more, just like an addict does. When that love is taken away from the person, they have no choice and end up going through a form of withdrawal. And that tends to happen with the toxic narcissist or most red-flag types.
That being said though, there is healing on the other side. And what’s more is that those who go through these kinds of betrayals are now armed with a tool: they can now tell the difference between what is love and what actually isn’t.
Did the Beatles Get it Wrong? [16:00]
All you need is love….but is it though?
This is the mantra of the new-agers. Growing up, we’ve been told that love is letting go of fear; that if you love someone, everything else falls into place. We’ve been exposed to this notion over and over again through the films, the songs, and the books we’ve consumed. But how true is it? Does love conquer all?
In a nutshell, love is not enough. We could love someone who is actually not a suitable partner for us. A lot of us have been through this where we’ve spent so much time in a relationship trying to fix the person or the situation, because we kept telling ourselves that we love them and that that’s all we need. And that it’s worth it. Even when we had an inkling that they may not actually be the one for us.
And yet we persisted, because we’ve been socialized into believing that love means everything and it solves everything.
However, the reality of it is that if we want to have a lasting, long-term relationship, then we need to be with someone we’re compatible with, someone we have a connection with, and who we have strong communication with. And more importantly, someone who shares our vision of the future.
How both partners envision their shared future is what they will both be working towards and building on. So, only having love without any of these other factors that ensure a successful relationship isn’t necessarily a good idea. Partners in a relationship need to be aligned on their vision in order for it to last and be healthy.
All You Need is Love is this myth that keeps women in relationships that aren’t good for them.
It’s a harsh truth. But in reality, when someone’s been in a long relationship, there will be days when they can’t stand their partner, where they almost hate them. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love them. Most people haven’t completely grasped what love means. They think love is a feeling.
Love is a behavior. It’s a choice, it’s a decision, it’s an action, and it’s a way of being.
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Marni welcomes Kalyn Romaine in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they discuss achieving innovative results while still maintaining integrity and compassion. Kalyn is an entrepreneur and an organizational psychologist who empowers individuals to reach their dream careers. The duo talks about what it means to trust your intuition and follow the breadcrumbs to achieve your dream goals.
Takeaways from this episode:
Don’t personalize it
Distractions hinder you
What is nice nasty?
Resilience is Key [11:31]
Resilience is needed to build courage and to hear your intuition. The experience of getting to where you need to be will have ups and downs. But not giving up is key. Most people don’t realize that resilience is necessary. It is what gets you to the very end; it’s what helps you build the strength you need.
Resilience is allowing something to get beat up so that it can be stronger and grow.
Finding Your Identity [19:02]
Most women, and especially black women, describe their business as a side hustle. Men, however, do not describe it the same. Finding yourself, particularly as a woman, and owning it puts a shift in the way you act. If you have started a business and you start calling yourself a founder, which is what you are, you start having more accountability.
It made me think of it as a real company and not just something I’m doing.
Stand in Your Glory [25:20]
Women tend to shy away from taking the credit they deserve. But we need to stand in our glory. When we shy away from it, it diminishes. It inadvertently makes people respect us less. Don’t make yourself small and take the credit you deserve.
The response was totally different. When you diminish who you are, people see you as common
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- Ready To Take Control Of Your Dating Life? Book A Call With Us
Marni welcomes Jamie Cannon in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they discuss how to recognize a narcissistic personality, what the tell-tale signs of a murky relationship are and how to get out of it. Jamie is a writer who focuses on trauma, anxiety and grief. She’s worked on empowering women particularly victims of abuse and domestic violence survivors.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Trust your instincts
- Know the signs
- How to recognize love bombing
Recognizing the Signs [04:02]
There is this misconception that associates being stuck in an abusive relationship with a lack of education. However, it can happen to anyone.
A lot of educated women fall either for narcissists or with personalities that have narcissistic tendencies. In the beginning of a relationship, the person they are attracted to either hides these tendencies or uses very sophisticated manipulation techniques.
Moreover, sometimes when a woman is adamant on what she wants, which is to settle down and build a future, it’s easy to overlook those subtle warning signs.
Women beat themselves thinking I should’ve seen it coming but really, should you have seen it coming?
Power and Control [07:20]
The beginning of a relationship blurs a lot of the way we perceive things. It is the phase where everything is exciting and rushed, which means that sometimes, we end up ignoring our intuition. Trust your instinct rather than making excuses for the person’s behavior. Many women tend to ignore their intuition because they have been taught to believe that they are oversensitive or that they read too much into things.
Narcissists, as we say, there’s no empathy there. So, their feelings are really the only feelings that matter.
Where Do We Find Their Value? [14:04]
A lot of women find their value externally. Learning how to find that value from an internal source is important. That is what gives you the freedom to walk away. Whereas somebody who gets their value externally, will be more inclined to stay and frame the situation as a life lesson.
At what point do we stop and say, hold on I know what I need to work on already. This guy does not know what I need to work on.
Make a Connection:
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Marni welcomes Dr. Sarah Hill in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they discuss a myriad of topics including how hormones affect your identity and how you can stay sexy regardless of age. Dr. Sarah is an award-winning research psychologist and professor with an expertise in women, health, and sexual psychology. She was also featured in the Netflix documentary, The Principles of Pleasure and is a consultant for the dating site, Cougar Life.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How do your hormones affect your identity?
- Inner beauty is sexy
- Is taking hormones bad for you?
It’s not you, it’s your hormones [01:50]
Hormones not only affect our bodies, but our psyche as well. The hormonal transitions that women go through, which span from puberty to menopause and everything in between, have a cascading effect on their entire body including how they experience the world, and the ways in which they think and feel. Hormones can also cause an identity crisis because they are a part of what our brain uses to create the experience of being the person that we are.
You are your hormones. They aren’t just something that happens to you. They are a part of who you are.
Aging is the new 20s [08:58]
Culturally, there has always been this belief that ties women’s sexiness and attractiveness to youth. But these stereotypes are shifting as women are gaining more financial independence and embracing themselves at whatever age. As women gain more resources independently, and as a consequence more power over themselves, they become more attractive to men.
For a very long time, we were dependent on men. And what we’re starting to see [now] is that we have women who have access to their own financial resources and good jobs – and that feels powerful.
Bringing Sexy Back [14:30]
Beauty is only skin-deep…or so the old adage goes. And it turns out, it’s true, to an extent. Beauty comes from having value and feeling valuable. So, it’s important for women to find out, when they’re younger, what is it that they contribute and what is it that brings them value. Whether you’re a career woman or a stay-at-home parent, find out what it is that makes you come alive. People are at their most beautiful when they come alive. And that is something that lasts forever, regardless of age.
Make a Connection:
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- Are You Making These Unconscious Mistakes With Men? *Free Training*
- Ready To Take Control Of Your Dating Life? Book A Call With Us
Marni welcomes Polina Solda in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they discuss how to find a partner that is just your type. Polina is the founder and CEO of Love by Design and podcast host of Find the Right man.
Takeaways from this episode:
- What’s your personality type?
- How to find the type that’s most compatible with you
- Your thoughts create your feelings
- How to train your brain
It’s Not Him; It’s His Personality Type (And Yours) [03:13]
Some matches are made in heaven; others are sealed in hell. But it’s actually nobody’s fault as it turns out. It’s more about compatibility. The number one reason for divorces is incompatibility.
But how do we figure it all out? The Eniostyle test.
The four personality types in the Eniostyle are North (logical, structured), East (wise, creative), South (emotional, pleasure-driven), and West (impact and growth-driven). And each type has a different mission.
So, for example, South is here to laugh and to feel, which means they have the tendency to be more anxious when it comes to attachment style. And that matters because if a woman who is South is attracted to a man who is East, then the relationship might not fare so well. East is creative, he’s the guy who is most commonly associated with breaking hearts; his interest shifts from one thing to the next. And he can be anxious-avoidant.
It’s in the Essence [ 14:07]
It isn’t just about compatibility, though. But when you’re fully aligned with who you are, you’re going to inevitably be magnetic to your dual partner. So, for example, when it comes to the West-type woman and the East-type man, it’s also important for the East-type man to be fully expressed and follow his path of mastery.
Going Back to Basics [18:40]
It’s important to identify yourself. And the first step towards that is thinking about your childhood. If you’re not really sure about who you are or why you are here, then look back to your natural strengths, which you’ll find in your childhood.
Make a Connection:
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
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- Ready To Take Control Of Your Dating Life? Book A Call With Us
Marni welcome Jourdan Travers, licensed clinical social worker and specialist in treating anxiety, mood, substance abuse, and personality disorders to the Life Check Yourself studio, where they look into where our feelings of unworthiness stem from; what we’re running away from; and how we can start fixing those detrimental patterns that we’ve carried with us throughout our lives. When it comes to assessing our patterns, we need to first notice them.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to manage your emotions
- When do you feel like you’re not enough?
- How to recognize your patterns
- Don’t avoid change
What Are You Trying to Numb? [03:00]
When it comes to starting your healing journey, there is an aspect to it that is not discussed enough. And that is, taking the step to notice and realize the patterns you keep repeating or the cycles that you’re in.
A lot of people don’t recognize their own patterns and how they might manifest. But it’s crucial to ask yourself the telling questions that will help you get to the answers you need to move forward. What are the months or seasons that are the most difficult for me? What are the sensations that have me reflexively reaching for that wine glass? What am I trying to escape?
Every single person experiences emotions differently in their own bodies. But a good starting point is recognizing when you get triggered, how you get triggered and why you get triggered.
The first thing one would do is just notice, or be curious about [certain] behaviors in that they might be connected to a feeling.
A lot of the time, people will look at themselves and link a certain situation going wrong, or a dream not coming to fruition to flaws within their character. However, the truth of the matter is, nobody is perfect. That doesn’t mean you need to constantly berate yourself for it. Sometimes, a person may feel like they have all these flaws and aspects that they don’t like within themselves. And if they were just to fix all of them, then everything else would fall into place. But that’s not the reality of it.
It’s an addictive fantasy. It’s this notion of, if I can fix this, then everything else will be fixed.
People are so accustomed to not being perfect or good enough, that it is important to pause and recognize those moments when you’re feeling that way. That’s where all the information lies, that’s where you get your answer. What are the moments in your life where you feel like you’re not enough? That is where your reflection should start.
The feeling of unworthiness that most people carry of not being enough is not a core belief that is learnt and held onto but rather it is a narrative people tell themselves.
Embrace the Messiness [ 11:45]
Affirmations have become a popular practice for a reason: they’re helpful, they serve a purpose, and they can be useful. That being said, the affirmations should be realistic; they should be thoughts that can help guide us essentially.
Unrealistic affirmations won’t have any effect. However, affirmations like this too shall pass or nothing lasts forever are two powerful mantras. That’s not to say that we can’t add on to these. We can, and we should but they should always be realistic.
Life is painful. We cannot escape that. It’s that pleasure-pain principle.
Accepting and reminding ourselves that life is made up of both the good and the bad, the difficult times and the wonderful times, is what actually helps us get through those dark moments.
Human beings, essentially, want to feel joy consistently. But existing in a constant state of euphoria or happiness is not realistic. It goes against the very nature of life. And the more we chase that constant pleasure, the more unsatisfied, and discontent we’re going to feel.
Stop Avoiding [19:14]
We all avoid things in different ways. While some are more avoidant in relationships, others are avoidant within their careers. It’s not a one shoe-fits all description. Different people will have different patterns of avoidance in different areas of their lives.
But with avoidance, you get stuck. So, sit down with yourself, look at your patterns and question yourself. Looking inwards and asking yourself how you contributed to the break-up, for example; Or how you ended up in a certain situation is where the work starts. Maybe you just got burn by love again. Is it because you’re drawn to this type of person? Is it because there is a feeling there that you keep running towards?
Nothing happens in isolation, we don’t live in a vacuum.
Asking yourself what are the thoughts and behaviors that propels you to act in a certain way is how you get to the root cause of the pattern. It’s more about looking inwards and identifying the triggers, the feelings, and the situations than it is about searching for answers externally.
Make a Connection:
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Marni and Chris dive into the finale of reality show, Love is Blind, to analyze where it all went wrong for some of the couples; where it all went right for others; and what lessons can be gleaned from these relationships. The duo look into how to navigate a break-up with grace and dignity, and how to show up in a manner that matches your energy. As these couples go through the ups and downs of dating, much of their behavior mirrors our own IRL. From the heartaches to the make-ups, Marni and Chris break it down by observing the contestants’ actions with each other on the show. What is the energy you’re putting out? How to find freedom from your past? And should you give second chances?
Takeaways from this episode:
- Don’t seek council from your single friends
- It’s about your energy
- How to breakup with grace
- Be dignified
- How to accept the person in front of you
- Flexibility in a relationship
Ditch the Mean Girl Vibes [01:35]
Ditch the mean girl attitude. Firstly, because it’s not a good color for anyone. And secondly, because it says a lot about a person.
An example of this is Micah and Paul. When talking about Micah, Paul mentions that he was surprised to find out that she wanted a family and kids. The vibe he picked up on – or rather the energy she was putting out – may have been as a result of her mean girl behavior in the beginning. That type of attitude doesn’t give off mother, or even wife energy. It is not associated with being nurturing or kind. In fact, quite the opposite.
When it comes to dating, you’re essentially collecting data about a person throughout the experience – whether that’s done consciously or unconsciously. Throughout her relationship with Paul, Micah acted in several ways that may have informed Paul’s ultimate decision. That being said, she has made a concerted effort to grow as a person throughout the show.
It’s about the energy that you put out. You can say you want to be a mom, or you can say this or that. But it’s how you show up.
It’s about the actions that are taking place outside of the relationship, too. It’s about your interaction with people, and about how you talk about them. And that includes your family and friends.
Navigating the Breakup [10:40]
While it may be tempting, it serves no one to talk negatively about your significant other when you break up. The dignified and graceful thing to do is just to walk away and move on. It’s hard but it’s worth it in the long run.
When you break up with someone, you don’t need to put them in the wrong for you to validate or justify the separation. Zack was one of the contestants that modeled that behavior. When Marshal and himself were put on blast on social media, they did a wonderful job at handling it.
It’s really about having grace and forgiveness
Marni mentions that Zack’s mature behavior today may be as a result of his tumultuous upbringing as well as his job as a criminal defense lawyer. His belief in second chances, which is something Bliss admired, is a result of his past and his present.
His forgiving nature is an attractive trait. Because when you forgive someone, you’re not doing it for them, you’re doing it for you. And it’s within that forgiveness that you find a release. It’s liberating
Are You Growing Together? [14:44]
Kwame and Chelsea are a couple that emulated this notion of growing together. Whereas Chelsea started off being rigid and uncompromising, she slowly learnt to let go with Kwame. A relationship doesn’t work without compromise, nor does it work without flexibility.
So, while it’s good for you to know what you want and go after it, it’s equally important to recognize when you should allow for a compromise. Pick your battles. Because there are going to be times in a relationship where you’ll have to do something for your partner that doesn’t necessarily fit into your general plan. And knowing how to navigate that, and be flexible about it, is key.
Kwame and Chelsea made each other better versions of themselves. They managed to grow from the parts of their partner that were challenging for them. And ultimately, that’s what successful relationships are about.
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Marni and Chris dive into the dynamics of relationships between the contestants on the reality series, Love is Blind, to shed light on our behavior in the dating world.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to communicate in an argument
- Be confident in your choices
- How to handle the timeline on the conversation
- Don’t dismiss his concerns
Should You Sleep on It? [02:19]
There are two schools of thought when it comes to arguing, especially when it’s close to bedtime. One school is that you should never go to bed angry at each other; the other is that when you’re exhausted and it’s late, it makes more sense to sleep it off, and discuss the issue the next day once you’re well-rested. So, which one is it?
Men need actionable instructions.
Trust Yourself [20:31]
It’s common to constantly be looking for validation from our friends when it comes to the person we’re dating. But ultimately, you need to trust ourselves with your decisions. And that requires strength and confidence in yourself and your choices.
If you’re with someone, then be convinced with your choice and stand up for it. You’ve got this.
Stand up to Your Family [24:49]
In the same vein as standing up to your friends, you need to stand up to your parents when need be. And that’s not just limited to your romantic choice but your overall decision in life. Many of us walk around with trauma passed on from our parents. And rather than do the work and get through it, we ended up letting these past traumas dictate our lives.
Make a Connection:
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
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- Ready To Take Control Of Your Dating Life? Book A Call With Us
Marni welcomes Frieda Birnbaum, research psychologist, psychotherapist and published author, to the Life Check Yourself studio, to look into why committed relationships and marriages fall apart, and how to prevent that.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to shift your perspective
- How to merge your masculine with your feminine
- How to step up your emotional prenup
- Fighting in a healthy way
The Devil is in the (Emotional) Details [03:00]
The emotional prenup is to prevent divorce as opposed to the financial prenup which is a failsafe. So, why do people go into marriages with a failsafe rather than an agreement that defines the parameters of how the relationship will work?
Identify Yourself [11:10]
Today, a lot of women have both masculine and feminine traits. And that’s not a bad thing, because these sides of you complement each other. The masculine traits are the parts of you that are driven, problem solving, and career-oriented.
Merging them and reconciling both of those sides allows you to identify yourself, which is important.
Frieda shares an anecdote of a moment where she questioned herself as a mother. At the time of the story, she was both taking care of her children and working towards her career goals.
However, as it turns out, it was in identifying herself and pushing through that she became the person she is, today. At the time where Frieda questioned herself, women didn’t hold the same positions they do today. The norm, today, is that women juggle children, careers, and so on. Back then, that wasn’t the case. In that, Frieda was ahead of her time.
The lesson is about realizing that it’s not about making friends, it’s really about having the insight to keep pushing and making yourself uncomfortable to be comfortable.
It’s about owning your space and going for what you want, regardless of what the world thinks of you.
What Goes Into the Emotional Prenup? [17:38]
It’s important to sort certain issues out ahead of taking that serious step. A lot of these issues can look like couples having the same fights over and over again. Or, one partner’s inability to let go of the past. But in discussing how you will tackle these issues in the beginning, your marriage has a better chance of making it.
Otherwise, you end up going to therapy, which is more difficult because it’s about fixing what’s broken. Whereas with an emotional prenup, it’s pre-emptive; it’s more of a unification between two people to work through it and to work hard. Because marriage isn’t easy.
Setting boundaries and having an understanding of what’s important for you and for your partner is part of that agreement. Because what’s important for you, might not be as important for the person in front of you.
We tend to repeat ourselves, we tend to argue in the same way over and over again.
It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong, or what’s right and what’s wrong but more about what will have the best effect and outcome. And you get to that by listening to each other, and by learning to compromise for each other, which prevents repetition.
Make a Connection:
- Dr. Frieda’s Website: www.DrFrieda.com
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
- Are You Making These Unconscious Mistakes With Men? *Free Training*
- Ready To Take Control Of Your Dating Life? Book A Call With Us
Marni and Chris look at the budding and failing relationships in reality series, Love is Blind, to glean the lessons that can be taken and applied when dating IRL. Looking at the different archetypes that the contestants represent, the duo dissect the situations on the series to answer questions we’ve all had when out in the jungle that is the dating world. The behavioral patterns we all exhibit, at one point or another, are mimicked in the actions of these contestants as they navigate their interpersonal relationships. From the girl who keeps falling for the same toxic guy, to the guy who stays and never gives up, to the girl who lets her mean- girl friends dictate the qualifications of her boyfriend. It’s a trap we’ve all fallen into, and sometimes still do.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Don’t be an enabler
- How sweet is too sweet?
- Don’t mistake the storytelling for a connection
- What’s trauma bonding?
- He’s a good communicator
- Vulnerability has several stages
Getting Real is Scary [07:46]
Being vulnerable with someone is terrifying. And, unfortunately, a lot of us go through life hiding pieces of ourselves from the people we’re dating, where we’d rather keep it fun and light. It’s not just men; it’s women as well.
It’s a situation where as soon as things start getting heavy or too real, we feel like it’s time to exit. And for some, even when they don’t exist, they stay in the relationship for years, without ever really going deep or speaking about their actual feelings. But being vulnerable and expressing ourselves is not only important for the relationship but for our own well-being as well.
Part of being in a committed relationship is learning how to have challenging conversations.
A lot of the time, we keep it light because we want to come off as low-maintenance, or as fun. We want to keep it going, so we hide those parts of ourselves – the feelings and the insecurities – in an effort to not rock the boat. But the effect of that on our psyche is detrimental, whether we realize it or not. There’s inevitably a disconnect.
If what’s on the outside isn’t matching what’s on the inside, that creates internal friction.
And that leaks into our relationship because at some point, when we’re faced with something real, the relationship collapses. If we haven’t shown that part of ourselves, or voiced these feelings, then how can we expect the person in front of us to understand? Being vulnerable is scary, but it’s necessary.
It’s an Uphill Effort [12:28]
It’s an uphill effort, but it’s worth it. A lot of times, when we get into a relationship, and it’s time to be vulnerable, we think that we’ve gotten through the tough part; we can now relax. But the thing is, with vulnerability, it comes at different stages. And with it, there’s always the risk of rejection.
You get through the first part, which is going through your trauma; your past; and the experiences that shaped you. But that’s only the first stage. There’s the vulnerability of deciding on your future together and of sharing your aspirations with that person. And sometimes, you won’t have the same vision.
Chemistry is necessary but not sufficient; love is necessary but not sufficient.
Kwame and Chelsea are an example of getting to the next stage. Compromises need to be made. And it’s a difficult conversation to have with tough decisions required to be made. However, Chris points out that with Kwame and Chelsea, it seems like Kwame is making most of the decisions and Chelsea is coming on too strong. She’s not realizing that she’s asking him for a lot of life-changing compromises, without giving him a minute to process and register.
Relationships should be reciprocal. It’s a two-way street. And the compromises need to go both ways.
Your Friends Need to Stay Out of it [16:45]
It’s great that your friends are protective. But there’s a line that needs to be set. While they may have certain (valid) opinions, the decision is yours and yours alone. You’re dating him, and you need to be the one to suss him out, in your own time, and in your own way.
Don’t outsource the qualifying of the guy you’re dating.
Paul and Micah are an example of that. Marni and Chris point out that Micah’s friends are mean girls that are constantly attacking Paul, and Micah doesn’t do anything about it. And that’s a red flag.
Moreover, it’s time for the mean-girls attitude to be permanently canceled. Pick better friends, and even when you do, set boundaries when it comes to their opinions or negative interactions with your boyfriend or the person you’re dating.
At the end of the day, your relationship should be between you and the person you’re with.
Make a Connection:
- 3 Secrets Men Wish You Knew *Free Download*
- Are You Making These Unconscious Mistakes With Men? *Free Training*
- Ready To Take Control Of Your Dating Life? Book A Call With Us
Marni welcomes author, educator and TEDx speaker, Nancy Sokol Green, to the Life Check Yourself Studio, where they discuss the physical and internal mechanisms that affect our actions and by extension, our behavior in relationships. The duo talks about what it means to look at our foundations with the intent to start fixing. Our behaviors are a result of an underdeveloped lower brain. But what does that mean? It means that, for some, automatic body functions that are supposed to be fully developed are not, which goes on to dictate much of the way they act externally. Nancy dives into the details behind these functions and their influence on us. But, ultimately, to change, it takes going back to basics, back to our foundations.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to change the biology reaction in your patterns
- Fixing the Foundations
- How is your lower brain impacting your actions?
- If it’s not there internally, it won’t be there externally
- Why can’t you forgive?
- How to develop your lower brain
Look at the Foundation of the House, not the Roof [01:27]
It’s about asking the questions that are going to get you to where you need to be by looking at the root cause, and not hyper-focusing on the symptom. Nancy uses the analogy of a crooked roof to explain her approach. The author elaborates that it’s not so much about looking at the crooked roof and trying to fix it but rather finding the cracks and gaps that are in the foundations. Because once those are fixed, then the walls; the roof; and everything is set up right. Once, we’ve learnt to look at things from that perspective, our gears begin to shit, and our mindset starts to change.
In this context, we’re talking about our brain and our nervous system. How are they currently wired? Nancy talks about the concept of the lower brain and explains that parts of our lower brain are sometimes not completely developed.
As adults, we’re supposed to have all these automatic functions that we’re supposed to have when our lower brain is fully developed. But that’s not always the case. That being said, the way these automatic functions are wired affects a lot of aspects within our lives.
For example, there’s gravitational security, which is about whether or not we feel physiologically secure and grounded to the earth; some people don’t have that. And for them, it’s like they’re walking throughout life on a high rope.
I’m already more concerned in my life about falling than connecting with you. If I don’t feel grounded physically, how am I going to feel grounded emotionally?
The physical then transfers to the emotional state as well. Another example of physical functions that transfer to relationships is our peripheral vision. Some people who lack in that department find it manifesting into their relationship. Their world is literally all that’s in front of them; it’s all about them; there’s no right and no left.
Developing Your Lower Brain [14:50]
When plan A, which is developing the lower brain in the first year of life, doesn't work out, all is not lost. Now, it’s time for plan B.
A lot of people are missing automatic functions. And they don’t realize what they’re missing because they don’t get it until they actually feel that function. And what makes the brain brilliant is that it allows you to change it. And it’s always changing, either way, whether you’re doing it consciously or not.
But if you don’t have a say in how it changes, there’s a good chance it might change in a way called maladaptation.
To change your brain, you just need guidance. It takes work, but once you’ve got it down, it stays with you for life.
Stamp Memories [19:38]
We all have a million things that stress us out throughout the day, the week, the month, or the year. However, what happens is that we’re supposed to solve these little incidents as we go along. And when we do, usually what happens is once we’re gone to sleep, the brain continues to work at night in order to consolidate these memories. Once consolidated, they’re given a metaphorical time stamp and filed away not to be brought up again.
But what if you haven’t resolved that issue that happened in your day? Then your nervous system, whose job is to keep you safe, becomes concerned. The incident hasn’t been resolved; the memory hasn’t gotten consolidated nor has it gotten filed in the archives. What happens then is that it’s likely to show up again throughout your life. Because as soon as there’s a trigger, and it could be a small one, your nervous system scans your history, remembers that particular unresolved issue, flags it, and you end up reacting in a more extreme way because it feels bigger than it is. It brings you back to that no-date stamp memory.
We don’t just have one or two no-date stamps. It’s not like you forget the memory if it’s a really big thing, but it’s the charge; it’s that charge that you’re bringing up to the present.
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Marni and Chris dive into the fourth season of reality series, Love is Blind, to take a look at what goes on behind the scenes of the dating world by contemplating the contestants’ behavior. The duo discusses what it means to be attracted to a certain archetype and how that reflects on you. Dating comes with its own set of etiquette, and sometimes it’s confusing, especially when you find yourself in that grey area between casually dating and being exclusive. Questions as to how to handle it surface. What situation warrants jealousy? When should you talk to the person about? Which partner should you pick? How do you navigate your significant other flirting with someone else? The questions are endless, but Marni and Chris take the example of couples on-screen to unpack all the answers.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Don’t fall in love with potential
- How to date from a place of confidence
- Stand up for your self-worth
- What you need vs what you want
- How to figure out your type
- Be honest with yourself
Settling for the Familiar [04:05]
Zack, one of the contestants on the series, is someone who is upfront about his baggage; he doesn’t hide his traumas. But at the same token, he doesn’t seem to want to do the internal work on himself either. And that affects his dating choices as he navigates towards the familiar, Irina, rather than the potentially healthier choice, Bliss. His behavior mimics much of our own behavior IRL.
When faced with the choice between two women, who are essentially polar opposites, Zack picks the one whose baggage resonates with his own personal trauma. He picks Irina, who is somewhat mean, because she’s the easy choice in that she has similar issues and will accept him as he is. Whereas Bliss is grounded and career-oriented. She’s the type that sets boundaries.
Picking the Irinas of the dating scene is a common trap we all fall into. It’s not about there not being any good men or women out there. There are. It’s just that much of the time, we’re not dating from a place of confidence. So, we lean into the person who is emotionally unavailable because that’s the stage we’re at. And unfortunately, that means we sometimes miss out on the good guy because we were too distracted with what we wanted and what we were familiar with, then what we may have needed.
You’re just so tuned out to that frequency; you’re deflecting the possibility that someone is treating you well, that you end up attracted to someone that is emotionally unavailable like you are. It feels familiar.
And even when we meet the good guy, it’s almost like we’re making up reasons not to choose him. It’s a form of self-sabotage. Rather than doing the work on ourselves, and standing up for our self-worth, we choose to settle for what we think we deserve.
But why is he your type? [12:55]
When talking types, it’s vital to look at the why. If you’re someone who’s usually attracted to the emotionally unavailable, then look into the reason behind that attraction. In understanding why a certain archetype attracts you, you’ll begin to unpack what it is you actually need versus what you want. A lot of the time when dating, people go for what feels good in that particular moment but that’s not always the right decision.
So, when it comes to figuring out what you want in a partner, go deep. Write down in a journal the things that attract you and why. Find out what is the type of person you need that brings out your higher self and inspires you. Because that’s the type you can build with. Basically, figure out your wish list.
Marni and Chris talk about Mika and Paul. Mika admits that Paul isn’t what she usually goes for. But while he might not be her type, he could be what she needs.
When you’re dating someone who is treating you well, and giving you what you need, not what you’re used to, you will have to be uncomfortable [for a while] and allow yourself to get to know that person.
Don’t Search for External Validation [21:27]
Marni and Chris talk about Mika and Irina’s behaviors of flirting with men who are already taken in an effort to validate themselves – regardless of how their actions may hurt or affect someone else. They get their power from being desired physically.
And this is an archetype that is found IRL on the dating scene. But it speaks to a lack of self-love, and stems from a place of insecurity.
There is a certain set of beliefs that we hold on to, no matter what our age is. And it’s one many of us might be familiar with or might have gone through at one point or another. It’s this idea that if we’re sexually attractive to those around us, then we have the power; we are enough. But in most cases, men will flirt or sleep with you. But it doesn’t mean they will be attracted to you long-term. Because that isn’t where your validation should stem from, nor is it what you should derive your value from.
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