Marni is joined by Mindset Manifestation Coach, Efia Sulter. Efia is a content creator with good vibes. She empowers ambitious women to stop playing small and access their innate magic to have an expansive reality to live the life they want, not the life they feel they are supposed to. Fully surrender to manifest the future you’ve always wanted.
Takeaways from this episode:
Efia says as a teenager, she believed she wanted to have a “normal” life that mirrored everyone else she knew. In her 20s, she discovered she did not like living her life based on what everyone else did or had and transformed herself into a person who would live life on her own terms. She says the question that changed her life was “Who do I want to be?”
A common misconception about manifestation is that there is a reward system or end goal associated with it.
Manifestation is more than doing the things you are supposed to be doing or what other people tell you to do. It is about considering what you feel or what you want to create.
Arrival fallacy is the belief that happiness will only come when we achieve a goal or reach a destination. But, being in the moment and celebrating who we are in the present is what should be savored in life.
Efie describes the beauty of the journey IS the icing on the cake of life. Attaching personal worth and identity to outcomes, it is easy to forget the beauty of now.
Mantra: I surrender the outcome because I know whatever happens I will be okay.
The more we can tap into the feeling of trusting our intuition, trusting the guidance, and having faith in something unseen, that is how we manifest in our lives. We can unlock the codes to success and happiness.
Elia describes her Vibes method. In it, she assists clients in creating a personal manifestation blueprint. She says many people start their manifestation process by setting intentions. The first step of the Vibe method is embodying the vibe of our higher self. Doing this step first keeps us anchored to our intentions, keeps us on our path, and ensures our intentions are in integrity with what we want to create.
Everything in life can have intentionality to it!
Make a Connection:
Marni and Chris break down episodes 1‒5 of the latest season of the Bachelorette. Gabby and Rachel may not be as mature as some of the guy contestants. Tyler is young but so manly, Tino is the frontrunner, and Zach is too nice for Rachel. Eric, Jason, and Johnny are all Gabby has left. Listen in for all the other juicy nuggets derived from this season and prepare for next week’s Hometown segment.
Takeaways from this episode:
Navigating relationship conflict
The downside of self-doubt
How sexy should a date be
Using King and Queen to describe a date
Genuinely loving the person you versus just liking the attention they give you
Chris and Marni are now into week 5 of the Bachelorette and it seems to be Groundhog day. The same situations, the same conversations, and the same old issues are starting to wear on viewers. Gabby continues to stress out and Rachel still has no self-confidence. When will it end? When will the ladies work through their issues and grow up?
Understanding your wants and needs about having children is something you have clarity about before actively dating. Plus, Marni says don’t date someone who doesn’t share this value with you. This is something that can come back to bite you, no matter how much you think you made yourself clear.
Rachel is a successful career woman. She actively brings up her career but in a weird way. When she asks Tyler, he says that he will happily stay at home with the kids and let her be the breadwinner. Chris feels like Tyler was just trying to be agreeable and maybe not sincere about his offer to take care of everything.
Marni wants to know why Rachel is seemingly strong and courageous but when it comes to being rejected or in doubt about a guy she falls into “I’m not good enough” and self-doubt. Where is her resilience and fortitude in personal situations? It may be because she focuses on what she doesn’t have and not what she has. It will take a toll on her dating life.
How Sexy Should a Date Be? [23:39]
The Bachelorette took the sexy too far with the armpit-smelling and whipped cream nipple scenes. It was so uncouth that Marni admits to fast-forwarding through the scenes. Tantric sex workshops and watching sexy movies are not good first dates. Sexy talk does not set a relationship up with its best foot forward.
Based on the language of the contestants on the show, it is unnecessary to call each other King or Queen when dating. Even though these terms bleed over from the ultra-romantic Latin culture, it doesn’t fit into everyday dating situations. Marni and Chris agree that King and Queen are now throwaway words and should carry more weight.
Are you happy with the man you are with or do you just like the attention?
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Marni welcomes a certified Applied Neurology Practitioner who moves people out of pain, unwanted behavior, and stress response. Elisabeth Kristof is the founder of Brain-Based Wellness, an online platform that trains your nervous system and body to resolve old patterns, improve performance, and increase your well-being.
Takeaways from this episode:
Tools to regulate the nervous system
How to modify attachment styles
What a well-functioning nervous system looks like
How to respond instead of reacting
Regulating the Nervous System [2:03]
It is normal for humans to experience stress; by design, we are not supposed to be even-keel all the time. The problem comes when we get stuck in chronic states of stress and threat responses. It causes our nervous system to pump out hormones like cortisol and adrenaline which are not intended to be long-term solutions.
Too much stress for too long comprises the nervous system.
Elisabeth describes the different fear-stress responses our bodies go into and how they are translated into everyday life, including dating. These responses are reactive. We don’t consciously consider our actions during an extreme stress response. This can make us seem CRA. It triggers unhealthy love bonds we formed in childhood.
All behavior and attachment styles are survival-driven. This is how our brain keeps us healthy and safe.
A Well-Functioning Nervous System [16:42]
A well-functioning nervous system is able to modulate and change from different states. It should be able to accurately interpret real threats from a non-threatening situation. A well-functioning nervous system properly interprets threats, then produces an appropriate output.
A dysregulated nervous system keeps us stuck. It causes us to overeat, for our thoughts to be cloudy, and other drastic responses that don’t depict who we really are and what we really feel.
What does life look like when we are not constantly regulating our nervous systems to get back to baseline?
How Applied Neurology Reduces Stress [22:21]
Elisabeth practices Applied Neurology. Applied Neurology is the latest in brain science transformed into practical, actionable practices. It helps her clients take care of their operating systems by giving them good stimuli that create a new normal. She shares a practice we can do anywhere to help us regulate our nervous systems so we don’t react in a manner inconsistent with our personality.
Giving ourselves a positive stimulus for 3‒5 minutes helps the body discharge stress.
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Marni and Chris Gillis celebrate the best dating and relationship tips gleaned from the finale of Love Island and the new Bachelorette. If you haven’t finished bingeing on Love Island yet, you will hear some spoilers.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
Overcoming relationship challenges
Repairing trust
Building connections
The issues that come from taking things personally
Becoming rejection-proof
Spoiler Alert — If you are still watching Love Island episodes on Hulu, skip ahead to the Bachelorette recap!
One of the reasons Marni likes Love Island is that for eight weeks the couples get a chance to build connections, resolve conflicts, repair trust, and set boundaries. Few other reality shows allow couples to have this extended time together and it mirrors what we all might experience in real-life dating.
The last few episodes highlight how struggles or bumps in the road can bring couples closer together. It is how they navigate the conflict and resolve it that allows for a stronger bond on the other side.
Tasha and Andrew were great examples of the transformation that can happen when couples are there for each other. Tasha no longer pines for external validation because Andrew fought for her.
When dating you will encounter people who judge your choices. Having healthy boundaries and trusting your gut can help you through.
Fortunately, The Bachelorette updated the show’s format, which makes it watchable again. Marni and Chris discuss the major differences between Gabby and Rachel. Marni points out that Gabby has obviously been doing personal development work yet both ladies are leaking a bit. Chris reminds us that no matter what happened in the past it is important to hang in there and never give up.
Personal development work helps all aspects of life including dating and relationships.
This season reminds us how important it is to give a new relationship some space. If we are always trying to rule a guy out we may be missing out on a high-quality guy.
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Marni and Chris Gillis are celebrating two million downloads of Life Check Yourself! During the conversation, they reflect on some of the biggest hot takes and lessons derived from the amazing episodes of Love Island, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Love on the Spectrum, and other reality dating shows.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
Doing the inside work to find your authentic self
How judging others creates a love shield
Finding joy amidst the chaos
Balancing feminine and masculine energy
The power of vulnerability
Build a Dating Strategy From the Inside Out [2:24]
Some people believe that what they don’t have is what is keeping them from finding a partner but no matter how beautiful and successful someone is if they don’t have core foundational self-worth they will not be able to attract the right person for the long-term. One thing the reality shows teach us is that beautiful people still really struggle.
When we listen to our critical inner voice it can steer us into uncertain territory.
Many women think they need to play a game or pretzel themselves into being someone that guys want when real attractiveness is just being yourself. It’s an inside job.
Reveal, Release, Rejuvenate, and Resource [12:17]
Healing the unconscious part of ourselves by rewiring our neural pathways allows us to release our perceived limitations and express our authentic selves. When we continue to resource our groundedness and sense of self, we become in tune with our inner knowing.
The False Protection of a Love Shield [20:57]
Marni reminds us that our brains want to protect us from being hurt but it is just an illusion of safety. Every day, even in a good relationship, won’t be butterflies and rainbows. There are real concrete skills to having a successful, fulfilling relationship.
It is possible to share all the love in your heart with another person.
Being Vulnerable to Create Connection [20:57]
Being vulnerable is a keystone of connection. Vulnerability is not just sharing a sad story. It is about being honest with yourself and sharing your truth with others EVEN when you don’t know how it will be received by others.
When we are rejection-proof we have the energy of attraction.
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Marni welcomes credentialed Life Coach, Hypnotherapist, Speaker, Personal Empowerment Expert, and Podcaster, Amy Green Smith to the show. Through her work, Amy helps move individuals to a place of radical personal empowerment and self-worth. She helps people find their voice in her guide, How to Find Your Voice Without Being a Dick. She is highly sought out because of her uncommon style of irreverence, wisdom, and humor.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
How to stop yourself from people-pleasing
Finding your voice and your truth
Direct communication skills
How women can speak up for themselves
Change the trajectory of your life
Amy says if we look at our biological makeup we are programmed to people-please in order to survive. Most of us have heard of the flight, fight, freeze, and fawn instincts. People-pleasing fits into the fawn defense. Fitting in is a fundamental human need because our ancestors needed a group to stay safe and survive. In modern times, it doesn't seem to make sense, but from childhood, we learn that people-pleasing is a safe behavioral tactic.
Finding our voice requires more than a quick fix. Amy says we must incorporate new patterns and habits to make the necessary wiring changes to our brains before we can experience true transformation.
Becoming aware that you are people-pleasing is the first step to finding your voice, but more importantly, you must take action to make a change.
How to Speak Up for Yourself Without Being A D*ck [14:03]
Amy reminds us that we cannot make someone feel something. 93% of our communication with another person is paraverbal and nonverbal, which leaves only 3% being the actual words we use. Heightening our emotional intelligence is the path forward when speaking up for ourselves. We must learn to be OK with someone else feeling something different than what we feel.
You are responsible for your intention, not your reception.
When we speak out of malice, are more combative, or we people-please, we are reacting to a sense of threat. We feel like we are in danger so we revert to what we feel will keep us safe. We must be sure we are in a safe situation; then we can be clear about our truth.
Hypnotherapy [29:49]
As part of her personal empowerment work, Amy uses hypnotherapy to reprogram the limiting inner critic most of us have. Slowing down our brain waves allows us to embed new belief systems that better serve us.
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Is your heart telling you to say YES instead of maybe, while your brain is putting on the brakes? Marni welcomes the inspirational Ken Bechtel into the Life Check Yourself studio. Ken is a podcast host and is the author of the recently released book, Follow Your YES. In his book and his program, Ken provides people with guidance on how to build confidence and eliminate overwhelm across all areas of their lives.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
The true meaning of maybe
How to listen to our hearts
Failures are our friends
How to draw the right people to us
Ken felt drawn to the message of Following Your YES when he realized that people weren’t setting themselves up to win. He felt compelled to write a book about it to help people lead their lives with it instead of getting around to it when there was time and space. There are a whole host of things that try to keep people from following their YES and he said enough is enough!
Ken believes YESes are like stepping stones. The trick is you won’t know what the next yes is until you take the first one. We can never know what is going to happen before it all starts.
So many people are frozen because they have fear of the unknown and too many what-ifs.
To identify our YES, Ken says we can’t think into it. Our YES is a feeling. It is not intellectual. It comes from our hearts. It is our divine guidance. And, who has a better view of what is possible, us or the divine? It sees the big picture.
Our brains are hardwired to fear the unknown because it only focuses on survival. If we haven’t done something yet, it wants to keep us from danger and effectively keeps us from taking the next step.
Missteps Are Our Friends
In his book, Follow Your YES, Ken has what looks to be a crazy acronym but is some great advice. YDKWYWUYKWYW stands for you don’t know what you want until you know what you don’t want. What Ken means by this is that knowing what we don’t want helps us know what we do want. It is an invitation to narrow things down and refine our targets.
Missteps and failures are our friends. They are helpful when refining our targets.
When we are following our YES, living our best life, and listening to our hearts, we become a radio station that broadcasts our favorite music. Other people on the same wavelength pick up on our signal and it leads them to us.
The Key to Getting Unstuck
Ken says the key to getting unstuck so we can follow our YESes with confidence starts with making a list of our maybes. A maybe is something you think you want but figure it will happen eventually. The next step is the big one and that is to put all of your energy into things that are YESes right now!
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Marni welcomes two young women who are close to her heart to assist in Chris Gillis’ absence. Her daughters Rayna and Kloey Battista add their perspectives to the real-life dating examples dished up on this season of Love Island.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
In the middle of the season, the producers wait until everyone is coupled up and then send the women off to meet a set of new guys and the guys become introduced to other women. It caused a ton of drama and good dating lessons.
Tasha and Andrew have been paired together for four weeks. Andrew seems enamored by Tasha, but he tries to be chill. Tasha tells Andrew he is her person yet tells other guys that she is open and willing to get to know them.
Marni asks Kloey and Rayna how this relates to dating in real-life. Is Tasha being on the level?
Andrew has girls telling him he is being screwed over so he acts vengefully. They were just trying to get him interested in them. They were gaslighting to some extent and he fell into the trap.
Remember ladies — It’s OK to date multiple people and you don’t need to tell the other people unless they ask.
Dating Lessons from Paige & Jacques [15:44]
Kloey says she finds the relationship between Paige and Jacques interesting because Paige says she doesn’t have time to train a man but then talks about the chemistry and connection they have. Jacques has shown yellow and red flags when he manipulates Paige. In real life, if Jacques would leave the villa without fighting for Paige, he doesn’t deserve her.
Rayna thinks he could have made up for leaving but he immediately went on the defensive. It seemed as if he tried to make her believe it was her fault. Jacques’ note was kind but it didn't seem genuine. Rayna found it disrespectful. Why should Paige wait for him?
Marni had a different reaction. She suggests that Jacques may have realized he was rude to Billy and needed to get out of there to cope with his feelings. Maybe Jacques has never let himself be vulnerable? Marni thinks he may love Paige but he is a child and can’t manage his emotions.
Does Danica Have an Agenda? [22:22]
Marni and the ladies dissect the super attractive, smart, professional, big-hearted, and direct girl who is Daneeka. Daneeka hasn’t been able to make a solid connection with any of her guys. She has an interview-style approach to first dates. Marni asks the ladies why she isn’t connecting.
On first dates, it is possible to navigate collecting data to make a connection without it seeming like an interview.
Marni says Danica is trying to fit the guys she dates into the role she already has planned for them. Which can be a turn-off and limit true vulnerability.
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Marni welcomes the best-selling author of Project Everlasting and founder of the revolutionary Manifest Your Man program, Mat Boggs into the Life Check Yourself studio. Mat has been helping millions of people around the world attract love and have fun finding fulfilling relationships. He is a sought-after dating and relationship expert. He's been featured on the Today Show, CNN, Headline News, and Oprah & Friends.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
Identifying a shared vision with the Magic Wand question
What Mat means by Rehearse, Nurse, and Curse
Overcoming your limiting beliefs
Your history does not determine your destiny
Rejection is just a step closer to what you want
A human’s purpose on this planet is to learn how to give and receive love. Growth comes when we make mistakes and change the actions we take in the future. One of the best ways we can grow is to ask others for feedback. In Mat’s case, his goal was to write a book people absolutely loved or didn't. When he enlisted Beta Readers, the readers who didn't like his book at first, gave him better feedback about how he could make the book better.
Mat says there is a difference between intention and impact. And he uses this lesson over and over again. If you know someone’s heart is in the right place, but something they do creates a negative outcome for you, it is important to have a ten-minute sweaty-palmed conversation to clear the air without attacking the other person.
Do not take things personally because, often, people don’t do things with bad intentions.
Labels & Overcoming Limitations
We all use labels because they fast-track conversations and help people identify us better. Another reason is that some people want to commiserate and want attention.
If we get too attached to our labels, the label can then turn into our identity.
Mat reminds us that where our intention goes, energy flows. Research rooted in neuroscience shows that our brains make connections based on repetition. The more we label ourselves as “something” we will eventually start to identify with that label.
If we can put more attention on where we are going and where we want to be, it is much easier to overcome the place we have been when we focus on where we want to be.
Rise above the old definition of you and create something beautiful for your life.
Four Questions to Manifest a Loving Relationship Now!
A person’s ability to manifest what they want comes down to their ability to be clear about what they want, understand what may be holding them back and the actions they need to take to get what they want, and accept their desires once they achieve them.
Mat offers four high-quality questions to ask yourself once you become clear about what you want. They are:
Fear — What have you been resisting about opening your heart and having a relationship?
Accept — What do you need to face about the situation to make peace?
Choice — What choice could I make to move in that direction?
Take Action — What actions do you need to take to move you forward?
Your history does not determine your destiny.
To figure out if you and a guy have a common vision about relationships, there is a magic wand question you can ask during a date. The question is — If you had a magic wand, what would you create for your love life?
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Marni and Chris Gillis are back to fish out all the best real-life dating lessons from the watery depths of Love Island. The show pairs up singles and then injects new, hot singles into the mix every so often just to keep things juicy. The love lessons in this surreal show may not be readily apparent to the naked eye, but Marni and Chris know just where to look.
Dating takeaways from this episode:
Dating more than one person at a time
Expressing vulnerability and commitment
Why the experiment doesn’t paint a clear picture of what is possible in early dating
When you should be cautiously optimistic
Should We Play the Field [3:05]
When Marni and her team coach clients, creating a funnel and dating multiple people is promoted. Of course, until they figure out who their best person is. On Love Island, they start to build connections and then they bring in new people.
Marni finds herself conflicted. The contestants have core relationships but they are flirting or kissing the singles who were recently added. Should they be a tad more committed or are they doing the right thing by playing the field?
It's less about the number of dates and more about the quality. Does the other person have the same vision or values? Are they looking for the same things?
Casa Amor * Spoiler Alert [12:21]
If you haven’t seen the Casa Amor episode yet, don’t read this part. Regarding Andrew and Tasha; Andrew was working hard to make Tasha feel loved and safe because she is insecure. He obviously likes her a lot. The other guys are saying he is getting played, but Marni doesn’t see it. When new girls, aka B-team, are introduced, they also reinforce the idea that Tasha has been treating Andrew poorly because she is talking to other guys. He starts dating someone else right away.
We all want to feel special. Are you making your partner feel special?
Casting Their Lines [19:29]
Marni and Chris discuss the cast and how they seem to be unable to get vulnerable and express what they like to each other. Plus, they note that the Casa Amor is a tough experiment to gauge a relationship on because contestants didn’t get a chance to create a solid foundation beforehand. Most of them stayed in cautiously optimistic mode and no one really clarified their feelings for another person.
When a guy says he is really interested in you and his words and actions match, be cautiously optimistic. Because everyone can say that you are everything they want, but true compatibility is proven sustainable over time.
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Marni welcomes Shoshana, a graduate of The 5 KEYS to Becoming Irresistible program, into the studio to share the amazing relationship journey she has had since she invested in herself and the course. She credits the course for the major mindset shifts and healed relationships she has had in the last three years.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Investing in yourself pays off
The benefits of being clear about what you want
Being empowered to ask for what you want
Using the relationship tools in real life
Before investing in the 5 KEYS program, Shoshana says she was a butterfly who kept telling herself she wanted a relationship but wasn’t taking the necessary actions to be ready for one. The one phrase that stuck out to her during the course was:
The common denominator in all of your relationships is you.
The phrase really impacted her. She had never thought about how she was showing up in the world when it came to intimate relationships or what her view of partnerships was before then.
The course made her recognize her avoidant tactics. They were:
She didn’t take dating seriously
She would quickly get intimate with men she didn’t really know
She never expressed her needs
She wasn’t clear about what she wanted from a relationship
At first, she was hesitant to pay for a course for something she thought she should already know how to do but she had to let go of the shame. She realized she had to humble herself to ask for help.
As it turns out, the program filtered into her entire life. It empowered her to have a better life on her terms.
What Was Different About Dating
Shoshana was on the beach with her family on the 4th of July. She met a guy who was at a nearby party and it turns out they had many things in common. They hit it off and stayed together chatting on the beach long after everyone else left.
During the early days of her relationship, Shoshana had the courage to tell her guy that if she slept with him too soon she would become insecure. She reveals that having the courage to say that to someone, to date at her own pace, and tell the person why she didn’t want to sleep with them yet was super empowering.
Knowing your non-negotiables allows you to have the relationship you have always wanted.
Empowering Tools Not Rules
Shoshana says she realized that it wasn’t about trying to win someone over and get them to be in a relationship with her. It was about what she wanted and her non-negotiables. In this relationship, they both acknowledged their attraction to each other and talked about how they were showing up in the initial dating process.
You don’t have to make it work with everyone you date, and you probably don’t want to.
She is now living with her French boyfriend who lives in the U.S. They travel together frequently.
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Marni welcomes the CEO of Marriage Helper and Host of the podcast, It Starts with Attraction, Kimberly Beam Holmes to the Life Check Yourself studio. Kimberly has a Master's in Psychology and for over 10 years she has been researching the ways attraction affects people personally and the relationships they hold near and dear to their hearts.
Key takeaways from this episode:
How to dig deep into another person through curiosity
The Love Path method
Be compassionate before you rule a guy out
How to reignite the attraction of a spouse or significant other
The Phases of Falling and Staying in Love [2:43]
Most people don’t know that there is a process to falling in love. They often think it is just chemistry or a pre-destined soulmate but in reality, any two people who follow Kimberly's process will fall in love. On the flip side of that, if a couple steps away from the process they could start falling out of love.
At Marriage Helper, Kimberly’s team helps couples fall back in love. The Love Path method is researched-based and time-tested. There are four steps in the Love Path:
P.I.E.S. Attraction
Acceptance
Attachment
Aspiration
The more people focus on body appearance the more their self-worth decreases.
Trust is paramount in a relationship. We can’t break down our protective walls until we know that another person loves us for who we truly are. We all need to be accepted for our true selves.
Long-term relationships are made up of people who share visions, aspirations, and goals for their future together. When we start dating we tend to have shared goals but after time as we achieve our goals, many couples get bogged down in careers, kids, and chores.
Life can pull us apart if we are not intentional about keeping our relationship together.
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Marni welcomes Sex and Relationship Coach Melanie Curtin into the Life Check Yourself studio. Melanie is a writer with a Master’s from Stanford. She has been featured on the Today show, New York Observer, and she hosts the Dear Men Podcast: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Four reasons women are afraid to give men feedback about sex
Can chemistry be created when none exists
Tips for speaking up about what feels good
Where most men get their sexual training and why it’s bad for women
Research Says To Have Better Sex… [1:06]
Melanie started collecting data about feelings and communication with surveys embedded in her articles. She wanted to hear from other women about their sexual experiences with men, specifically if they had ever broken up with a man because of the sex.
Many of the women she surveyed said yes they did break up with men because of the sex. When asked if they offered feedback to the men they broke up with they said no, they were afraid to give men feedback.
There are four reasons women are afraid to give men feedback about sex. Melanie shares three:
They are afraid they will be attacked or shamed.
The man will withdraw and leave.
The man will compare them to another woman.
Consider feedback as an opportunity to make an adjustment rather than to take it personally. Many men feel that they should already know what they are doing. But, men are also getting most of their sexual examples from porn and porn is severely inaccurate when it comes to the time it takes a woman to achieve arousal.
It can take women over three times longer to reach full physiological arousal than men.
Can Chemistry in a Relationship Be Created? [29:28]
Melanie works with a lot of men. She says, in our culture, many men don’t show up in their full vitality and are disconnected from their power. If there isn’t chemistry at first kiss Melanie says to make sure you are fully in your feminine first and then try again. She doesn’t have a strong opinion either way on whether women should give it a second chance.
How a Woman Can Tell a Man What Feels Good [36:36]
Melanie offers up two ways women can help guide men into having a better sexual experience for both partners.
1. Mention what works for you aka positive reinforcement.
2. Let men say what works for them and ask them what their favorite part of sex was.
Figuring out your partner and how they get turned on is an act of love.
Make a Connection:
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Marni welcomes fellow podcast dating host Amber Grubenmann to the Life Check Yourself studio. Amber is the creator of the highly-rated Women’s Dating and Confidence Podcast plus she helps ladies go from just dating to exclusive through her coaching programs.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Why women have sex before they are ready
Tips for creating a long-term, meaningful relationship
Exploring your inner sexiness
Men’s expectations around sex
Set the Stage for the Type of Relationship You Want [1:50]
Amber shares some of the most common comments she hears from the women she works with about their mindset around why they have had sex early in a relationship or when they may not be ready:
If he has sex with me it means he likes me.
I need to show him how good it is.
If he doesn’t get it from me, he’s going to get it from someone else.
I need to see if we are sexually compatible.
If I don’t have sex with him, I will disappoint him.
Amber tells her clients that if they want to go from dating to exclusive, to introduce sex once they feel confident and secure in a relationship.
There are things you can do in dating that increase the probability of a certain type of relationship.
How to Cultivate the Right Mindset [10:28]
Relationships are a human need and men really want them. Taking the time in the early stages of a relationship to see if a man has the emotional qualities you are looking for will give you the opportunity to explore the sexual connection.
Clarifying your intentions can make the relationship road smoother throughout the entire journey. So explore the person you are dating through conversation. If a relationship starts to feel amazing and you don’t have the conversation, the guy may not be on the same page.
To get what you want, you have to talk about it and ask for it.
Bringing Sexy Back [18:02]
Everyone wants to feel sexy. But, often we have things that hold us back from feeling fully into our sexuality. Amber offers some tips women can use to get comfortable with their bodies and their sexuality.
Have a self-pleasure practice to learn what you like and what turns you on.
Consider what are the factors that allow you to enhance or disrupt your feeling sexual? What factors allow your nervous system to relax?
Inner sexiness is unconditional and different for all of us.
Many women believe that men have certain expectations around sex because some have felt the pressure to have sex at some point in their lives. But, sex will never create security in a connection. So, if you are looking for a long-term commitment, leading with sex doesn’t give you the emotional security you need for long-term happiness.
If you want a meaningful relationship, don’t treat it casually.
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Women’s Dating And Confidence Podcast
Marni and Chris are joined by Reality Rayna aka Marni’s daughter Rayna Battista to recap Love on the Spectrum, a reality dating show with neurodiverse contestants. This is Chris’s favorite reality dating show because the daters are obsessed with the truth and are authentic. Marni says neurotypical daters do the same things but it’s all happening on the inside.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The beauty of honesty in relationships
How to be coachable
Finding something fun to do for a first date
Not taking things personally
Dani has her own business, loves animation, and is dead set on finding someone. She holds high standards for herself and others. She is high-functioning on the autism scale. She says she wants a business partner, lover, and best friend!
Solomon is attractive, into spirituality, and also high-functioning on the autism scale. On their first date, Dani & Solomon have crazy physical chemistry. They kiss a lot! But it throws Dani off. She wasn’t prepared for so much physical attraction. She got overwhelmed.
Dani exhibits every inner feeling of any woman going on a date with a hot guy. But she has no inner monologue, so she says to Solomon “You are so hot. I love you” and, “I think you are my person” on their first two dates. Then after date number two, she puts on the brakes. She may have sabotaged the relationship and put her guard up because it was too much, too fast.
We sabotage great possibilities because we get emotionally attached and scared. It’s a protective mechanism. We need to get clear about what we really want.
Next, Dani goes on a date with Adan. He seems to be everything she is looking for but she doesn’t find him attractive.
Subodh, Abbey, Rachel, & David [17:58]
A giant dating lesson from these dates is that dinner is not the best way to get to know another person. Subodh and Abbey went on really fun dates. They both love animals so they went to the zoo. They both enjoyed themselves and it got them out of their comfort zones in a nice way.
Also, the couples used a basic communication style which is what creates connection. Sure, Abbey got nervous when she went out with David because we all get nervous on a date when sharing things about ourselves.
Just because you are neurotypical, doesn’t mean you are supposed to know how to make connections and create intimacy.
A great example of how not to take things personally is when David asks Abbey for some of the candy he brought her and she tells him no. He says “OK. It’s probably not good for me anyway.” Abbey knows how to say no at the moment which is monumental for not feeling resentment later.
Breaking Up with Dignity and Respect [28:58]
A high-quality person will communicate even when it is bad news. For example, Dani knows it is going to hurt Solomon’s feelings when she tells him she isn’t interested in dating him again. It is hard for her to do but she respects him enough to tell him.
It is important to be forthright and treat your date the way you want to be treated.
Another example is after the medieval date, James asks Emma if she wants to go out on another date and she says “No. I think we should just be friends.” It is so brave. There are no excuses, only truth.
When you don’t say what you feel. You are assuming the other person can’t handle the truth. It’s disrespectful.
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Marni speaks to a 5 Keys to Becoming Irresistible program graduate about how she found the love of her life in her 40s. After finishing the program, Naomi met her fiance and soon-to-be father of her child on a dating app. She shares what she was missing before joining the program, what she learned during the program, and how she applied the knowledge to meet the love of her life.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Don’t give up on your dreams.
All men are not the same.
Reach out for help when you have tried everything.
Stop sabotaging yourself.
Giving Up Without Putting Your Best Self Out There [2:11]
Naomi remembers she was 43 and in a rough place. She had been in a long-term relationship that couldn’t last. She got really attached to a guy she had only dated for a week. She knows she wanted kids but her biological clock was ticking. She was even trying to get pregnant on her own with some of the guys she dated.
When you realize you are starting to accept that you may not be able to achieve your dreams, that's when it's time to double down.
Be All You Can Be [6:28]
Naomi had looked online but what drew her to the 5 Keys to Becoming Irresistible program was the vibe that this program was going to be about how she could be the best person she could be to draw in the right person at the right time. She wanted to be in the right headspace to navigate a solid relationship.
There comes a time when you are the common denominator.
During the program, Naomi found the narrowing down of the qualities she was truly looking for super helpful and how to get vulnerable during the dating process. She even got help from Helen, so she could text just the right thing after the program ended.
Biggest Takeaways from the Program [28:48]
Naomi says she may have missed out on THE guy if you generalize all men as the same. Her advice for other ladies who may be ready to give up:
Have an open mind.
Don't make excuses.
Don’t want something so badly that you try to make someone something they are not.
Be brave enough to wait for the right person.
Her biggest takeaways from the 5 Keys program:
She has a greater sense of who she is.
She gained clarity about what she wanted.
She put herself in situations where she would meet more people.
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Marni speaks to the founder of Ordinary Sherpa, Heidi Dusek. Heidi is known as a catalyst, healthy disruptor, and unshakable optimist. She is passionate about challenging the status quo, driving change, and designing experiences. Her forthcoming book, Beyond Normal, inspires families to create authentic travel experiences through meaningful UN-tourism. Listen in to see how she is designing a life of meaningful experiences that inspire joy.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Challenge the status quo
Create meaningful experiences
Traveling differently — UN-tourism
Simple is better
How to say yes!
The pandemic felt like the universe decided to challenge the status quo. It changed everyone in the world’s life. This means that right now we have a unique opportunity to grab onto a new normal that better serves us. And, with more and more companies offering positions for virtual work, we no longer need to orient our lives around where we work. It is a freedom past generations didn't have.
Heidi has long pondered the concept of work-life balance. She recognized that there is no such thing, work is part of life. She decided only to have things in her life that made her joyful. Joy was her North Star. She recommends writing the narrative of what you want your life to be and then designing your new life around that narrative. Heidi's mantra is “I want every day to feel like vacation.”
Highlight the joy of life and get a bit uncomfortable challenging your status quo.
UN-Tourism: Travel Differently
Adventure is about finding out about new places other travelers haven’t discovered before. Heidi recalls a story of a small diner that never would have been on her radar if the gas station attendant had not recommended it. Her family loved it and it didn’t cost a fortune to feed a family of five.
All types of travelers can create a meaningful life on any type of budget. It normally doesn’t take as much planning as we think it does. Scale it back to the basics and relish in your relationships instead of high-priced adventures. It can be less about what you are doing and more about enjoying the journey and getting through the rough spots.
What do you really want out of your life?
Simple Adventures Can Be Worth More
Heidi made a conscious decision to create a “Year of Yes.” Every time she had an opportunity she challenged herself to say yes. It’s a reminder that everyone has the power to change their story. You don’t need to make the giant, life-altering decisions, just change one thing that challenges you.
What if there is no tomorrow? Do it now!
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Beyond Normal: A field guide to embrace adventure, explore the wilderness, and design an extraordinary life with kids
Marni and Chris move on to dissect a new show, The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On. The new series means a new group of 20-something couples but the same relationship issues. Does everyone who issued an ultimatum get their way? Was an ultimatum the best way to wash out the issues or is it just a manipulation tool?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Ultimatums can be pattern interrupters
Wherever you go, there you are
Defaulting to bad behaviors
Ultimatums are the opposite of dating with dignity
Manipulating Another Person to Get What You Want
It seems that all the contestants thought they would go on the show and then get their way. So, it begs the question, when we make an ultimatum, are we using manipulation as a tool to make the other person do what we want? Or, we are at our wit’s end and are tired of having our non-negotiables infringed upon?
Marni says it is unfortunate but people usually only make changes because they reach a pain point. Chris says some of the couples may be using the ultimatum as a pattern interrupter, an effort to make the other person aware of their patterns that cross a boundary.
If someone gives you an ultimatum is it based on a problem you have or is it about them?
People tend to think they can find someone better but later come to realize maybe they can not. The show highlights this. If the issue is to marry or not to marry, an ultimatum can take the “fantasy” or made-up “other person” out of the equation.
The Ultimatum Couples
The internet loves April after she tells Jake there is a reason why they are not working and it is total BS to acquiesce without solving the issue. Lauren and Nate talk about the baby in a side conversation. Loren accepts Nate’s proposal during the show but says they need therapy. Hunter doesn’t want anyone else to have Alexis. He seems to be more motivated by fear than love.
If a person gives IN to an ultimatum right away, the issue will likely resurface at some time during the relationship.
Marni reminds us that even if we find someone we believe to be perfect for us, we remain the same until we do the work. Wherever you go, there you are. If we have a problem that has run through all of our relationships, maybe it is time we take a cold hard look at ourselves.
Zay comes home drunk. Rae punches Zay. Zay goes to Shanique to find solace but Shanique calls him out. Zay thought Shanique would accept him no matter how awful he is but she doesn’t. Shanique realizes she needs a grown-up man like Randall.
Colby loves Madeline. They live together and have dogs together but after the ultimatum, she goes to Randall. Randall is obviously putting his best foot forward but he will not have sex with her. She gets validation and connection from the passion of physical touch so it forces her to deal with her stuff.
Off-camera Colby goes out to a club to pick up chicks so he could participate in the experiment. Marni loves the scene where Colby goes to meet up with Madeline and her friends and they all rage against him. They say everything you should never say to someone you love.
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Marni speaks with Sage, Coach, Veteran Business Strategist, and Thought Leader, Kalyn Wilson. Kalyn’s work experience includes influential non-profits, city government, part CEO, principal consultant, and Ph.D. candidate, and has cultivated talent management wins at Fortune 100 companies. Her life and career outlook are inspiring and thought-provoking. There are so many useful nuggets in this episode!
Key takeaways from this episode:
How to create your life on your terms
Managing time and timing
The power of waiting on inspiration
The new world of work
The key to flow
What Makes Kalyn So Special? [2:41]
Kalyn knows how to create the life of her dreams. She has always been an advisor. In her youth, her grandmother would let her know the family’s business if she could keep up during conversations. She learned the power of listening and how to quickly read people's facial expressions. Her gift was to be emotionally intelligent enough to know how to respond.
It may not always feel like it, she says but people around us are always paying attention and becoming inspired by our lives in ways we can not always measure.
Recognize your influence and leverage it for good.
How to Get the Life and Career You Deserve [5:34]
Expanding the definition of what is possible for ourselves and using our inner wisdom to know when to take action is how we can create a life we feel in alignment with. Timing makes the difference between us catching a moment or reacting to a moment. The pandemic made a lot of us feel as though we missed our moment a long time ago, but we didn’t. The time is now!
The management of time and timing is critical for success and wellbeing.
Kalyn believes that, for many people, it is the destination they focus on and not the journey they are on. If more people took the time to think about their life as a whole, as a journey they would make strategic decisions about who and where they want to be.
We are not machines. Everything needs rest and recovery. When we do not listen to our inner Self, our immune systems weaken and our bodies get stressed out with anxiety. We inherently know when to stop, we just need to trust our journey and do what is best for us.
Don’t wait too late. Amazing things happen when we listen to the timing of the universe.
The pandemic made working from home the best alternative for employers to keep their workforces producing. Now, they may be motivated to get people back into the office simply because they have so much money invested in the existing real estate. If you prefer working from home, tell employers the value they get from giving you what you want.
Sometimes we play savior in situations that are not worth being saved.
She reminds us that we are moving out of the post-industrial era and work is changing. Previously, corporations held the power to tell us at what pace work should change. In today’s world, talent has the leverage. Tap into what you love to do and where you love to do it. Collect the data, make the ask, and then make decisions about what best aligns with you.
Get clear about exactly what it is that keeps you feeling in control.
Be aware of what you want.
The key to flow is the willingness to balance wait and action.
Everything doesn’t need to be now, now, now.
True creatives wait for their inspiration. It comes with divine timing.
Have compassion for yourself.
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Marni and Chris recap Season Two of Love is Blind. Be warned, Marni binge-watched the season and this episode contains spoilers. Shayne and Sal didn’t win at love but won plenty of female followers, Shaina is custom-made for The Bachelor, and Deepti deserves more than a man-child.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Overcoming mistakes in relationships
Acceptance and forgiveness
Why do people get wasted the night before their wedding?
How to be rejection-proof
When You Make a Mistake in a Relationship [2:11]
Marni points out that several incidents must have happened off-camera that are integral to the show and the end of the season seemed a bit disjointed because of it. There are pivotal moments when the couples who got married were able to let things go, forgive, and move on.
The biggest shock was when Shayne got wasted the day before his wedding. He truly showed his warts. If you are dating someone and a huge mistake is made, you must be able to accept their apology. Natalie hears the I’m sorry but she couldn’t seem to take in his love and his apology at her soul level. This may result in her building a wall and she may have a hard time opening up in the future. Shayne doesn’t know how to say sorry any other way.
Shayne seemed to see beyond Natalie’s flaws and to love and accept her for who she was. Natalie seemed like she had an idea of who Shayne was but when she figured out she couldn’t control him, she wanted out of the relationship. Shayne told her he wasn’t going to change who he was. He needed her to fight for them and it takes two.
Marni believes Natalie set a boundary to run if something like this ever happened. She was looking for reasons to rule Shayne out rather than in. Generally, when men are with someone like Natalie, they never feel good enough.
A lot of people need to make others wrong to feel good about themselves.
Sal & Mallory Breakup at the Altar [22:52]
Again, something must have happened behind the scenes with Sal and Mal that we didn’t get to see. Chris thinks Mallory was never as into Sal as much as she should have been. The internet disagrees with her. The ladies of the web find Sal endearing and romantic. He gave Mallory space which is refreshing.
Marni reminds us that we are the common denominator in all of our relationships. It could be possible that people who offer us pure love and attention scare us because we don’t know how to accept love and kindness.
Some women create drama where there doesn’t need to be any because they don’t feel worthy of love.
Shake & Deepti [29:43]
Shake did not feel worthy of Deepti, and he is probably right. Even his mother told him to do Deepti a favor and break it off. He is a real jerk on the reunion show. Marni thinks he is in the process of man-volving but isn’t far enough along in his journey to get over the rejection without being childish about it. Deepti deserves a better man.
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Marni speaks with the author of Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, Jessica Baum. Jessica is the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach, a practice that provides couples therapy, family counseling, and addiction therapy. She has worked with thousands of clients for over a decade. She helps clients make a meaningful connection with themselves so they can better understand how they relate to people in relationships.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Understanding an Anxious Attachment style
What it means to do “the work”
Being compassionate toward other people
Why your body is holding on to past trauma
Cultivating a great, deep love
How the Anxious Attachment Style Relates to Your Love Life [2:17]
Attachment styles are embedded patterns that get developed early in life. They get embedded in our nervous system. We repeat hurts from childhood in our adult relationships because it is the way we learned to adapt, connect, and survive. For anxious people, it comes with a lot of self-sacrifices.
Twenty-five percent of the population has an anxious attachment style. Secure people can feel anxiety in their relationships but people with an anxious attachment system tend to be hyperfocused on the external. They normally have a deep-seated abandonment wound. The way they survive is to make plans and keep things close. They may seem controlling but they are just trying to create calmness in their world.
People with an anxious attachment style are externally focused because they have trouble getting their own needs met.
Is It Intuition or a Past Trauma? [10:35]
When we are young and our hippocampus is not fully formed, we have implicit memory. When we are little we store sensations in our body. When sensations feel big, we know it is an old feeling that is resurfacing. Jessica reminds us that big sensations can be painful and cause us to lash out.
Awareness, compassion, and the right support can help us change behavior.
What are you doing to distract yourself from having real relationships?
Anxiously Attached: The Book [19:22]
A lot of couples go to Jessica when they are activated without understanding on a conscious level why they are acting the way they are. In her book, Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, Jessica breaks down what is happening to the nervous system of both people in the relationship and describes what they can do to gain a better understanding of what is happening, and what the other person is feeling.
Jessica says that when we form adult relationships we internalize them and they become part of how we build our secure sense of self. It is through these experiences we learn how to self-regulate.
You can’t fake safety but you can cultivate it.
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Marni welcomes the newest member of the Institute of Living Courageously, Patricia Diesel to the podcast. Patricia is a speaker, author, professional organizer, and certified life coach, and she educates people on the benefits of being organized to restore tranquility and a sense of order. She has been featured in Cosmo, Women’s Day, PBS, and Good Morning America.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Getting rid of old beliefs about who we are
Understanding why we want to attract a partner
How to release things back into the universe
Coming clean to live an authentic life
Why We Need to Declutter [4:01]
When we are emotionally invested in our stuff, it is a reflection of our history and our story. That is why things can be difficult to part with. Patricia says that is why decluttering our homes and our minds can be very cathartic. Professional organizers are trained to ask the questions that individuals don’t ask of themselves. Whether or not we are talking about decluttering material things, we are still talking about the clutter that surrounds our emotions and our minds. We invite things into our lives but there is a time to release those things back into the universe to bring us closure and peace of mind.
Our things are a reflection of who we are.
Man Clutter [10:30]
Patricia says we are all a bit messy with some things consistently but, there are some who have chronic disorganization. Women who are always attracting Mr. Wrong are addicted to finding a man who is bad for them. Having bad man habits is akin to hoarding. If they are always with the guy who is bad for them, they are collecting feelings and emotions. Some have a hard time letting go of what is familiar, even if it is unhealthy because they find comfort in the memory.
Let go of your Man Clutter!
If we can get connected to who we really are, free from our unhealthy attachments, free from past experiences, and release our fear we can create a life based on the terms we set for ourselves.
How Removing Clutter Brings Peace and Stability [17:29]
As we begin to learn more about ourselves and we allow ourselves to feel, Patricia says, the process of decluttering becomes beautiful. It offers us a chance to redefine ourselves and to decide who it is that we want to show to the world.
The unhealthy attachment we have to stuff or to men means there is probably a childhood wound at the core of our intentions. Decluttering offers us a chance for us to get to the root of the problem which allows us to grow and heal.
Patricia cautions us to declutter and unpack with baby steps. She recommends locating an area that needs decluttering, considering the amount of time the small project needs, and prioritizing ourselves by truly showing up and getting to work.
When we talk about coming clean and living our authentic life, we need to look at the real reason we want a partner in our life. What is the real reason we are putting ourselves out there to meet people?
Don’t lose sight of the real reason we want to attract another person into our lives.
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Marni and Chris recap another episode of Season Two of Love is Blind. The couples are finally spending time together. They get 24-48 hours alone to see if the connections they made in the pods remain true. And, spoiler alert, love is not blind.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Being clear about what you want
Sabotaging a relationship because you are insecure
Looks are not everything
Core values are the most important thing in relationships
Masculine & Feminine Energy [2:03]
This episode of Love is Blind, kicks off with Mallory and Sal getting 48-hours alone to find out if their relationship has what it takes to survive an engagement. Mallory seems playful, feminine, and coy when interacting with Sal. But, when she speaks with Jarrette later in the show she drops into her masculine and sounds like a dude.
Chris says Mallory is walking around like a red flag by describing how different and deserving she is. He adds that it is probably a protective measure. Chris also notes that the outcome of the show is getting engaged, so Mallory's hitting on Jarrette can be construed as emotional cheating.
Does Mallory want to be everybody's bro or does she want to be the love interest?
Marni says that when we are left to our own devices, without accountability or self-awareness, many women sabotage relationships with great guys. It feels weird because a person is being nice to us and we don’t know what to do with it. Women unusually revert back to their familiar habits and go for the same old type of guy.
Looks Aren’t Everything: The Nerd Gets Insecure & Judgy [9:03]
In the pod portion of the show, hair and makeup must have been revved up because everyone looked like a jacked-up version of themselves. But in the most recent show, Deepti looked like a girl you would see at Walmart. There is nothing wrong with her naturalness which is why Shake wins the jerk of the year award.
Chris thinks Shake is desperate to leave his nerdy, chubby kid back in the past and wants to be super cool now that he has lost weight. He is insecure and feels not worthy so he judges others in the harsh light that others used to judge him.
Focusing on looks gets in the way of true love and intimacy because if you don't have shared values you will not have real, long-term chemistry with the person.
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Marni welcomes the hosts of the mental health podcast, A Little Help for Our Friends, Jaqueline Trumbull, and Kibby McMahon. Jaqueline is a member of Bachelor Nation, a Ph. D. student at Duke, who studies how interpersonal functioning is impacted by personality, and shame, and contempt. Kibby is a Clinical Psychologist and a Yogi whose passion is in helping people connect more deeply with themselves and others.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Why we do what we do
Changing our narrative
Managing emotions
The importance of trying something new in dating
Applying a growth mindset to life
How Jaqueline & Kibby Came Together [5:01]
Jaqueline and Kibby met at Duke University. They discovered they had stimulating conversations together. Jaqueline had been on the Bachelor which created a bit of a social media following. The duo decided to create a podcast to use their power for good. The podcast, A Little Help for Our Friends, focused on the mental health sphere of people who were suffering collateral damage from mental health issues and personality disorders.
Why We Do What We Do [8:32]
The love we receive as a child becomes our narrative for what love should look like. It can create definitive schemas, which are the way we perceive ourselves in the world. It may be that we develop a schema that we don’t deserve love or that we are not important in a relationship. As we grow older and get into relationships, we attract people who make us feel like love made us feel when we were smaller. We stay in the pattern until we change it and we play out stories that don’t feel resolved.
The love you received as a child becomes your narrative for what love looks like in your life going forward.
Our identities are flexible and can change over time. We have a choice in the identity we want to take on. Some people are afraid of what change will look like for them. We can change without destabilizing ourselves.
Becoming Emotionally Bonded & Regulating Emotions [19:15]
Marni asks the co-hosts of A Little Help for Our Friends what contributes to our emotional bonding. At certain times in our lives, we may emotionally bond with people who fill certain needs even though they may not be suitable for long-term commitments. It’s important to ask ourselves what the relationship is serving. If it fills an unmet need from childhood it may not last.
Happiness and living a meaningful life are living in accordance with our values. But, to know our values we have to dig deep into what we want for ourselves. Emotions make us do things that may not be aligned with our values. Negative emotions aren't bad, they just direct us to do certain things.
Inaction is a choice.
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