Marni welcomes Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach, Nicole Crane into the Dating Den to discuss flirting and consent. Nicole is Woman's Empowerment Mentor who is passionate about holistic healing including sexuality. She is a polyamorous, pansexual, sex worker who has a fetish for talking about consent and boundaries.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Women have a tendency to be uncomfortable talking about boundaries, consent, and things that make us feel unsafe due to the conflicting messages in the media and society. For decades, we have been told to be flirty, but not too flirty, be sexy, but don’t lead a man on. It’s downright confusing!
Nicole says the most important thing a woman can do it trust her gut. No matter what someone is saying verbally, trust what you are feeling. It's important to cultivate trust with yourself. If a woman knows what she wants and trusts herself she doesn’t worry about what other people say.
But, men can be confused too. Consent is very polarized. A man may want to follow a woman’s lead and respect her boundaries but if she is unclear about what she wants, they pick up on it. A lot of good men are leaning away from embracing sexuality and making the first move.
The way forward is to normalize consent and make it sexy. Practice having conversations in the mirror until it feels comfortable.
What happens when women don't speak with an open heart when they intend to set a boundary? Nicole says it can muddy the water if you say things you don't mean or you are not being clear or true. Marni calls this leaking.
If a woman feels she wants or needs something sensually, sexually, or when setting a boundary, she needs to audaciously ask for it. Don’t worry about appearing needy. It’s your experience too. If you are unsure, Nicole recommends practicing in front of a mirror until you get a full-body yes from yourself. This will prime you with confidence when with a partner.
Vulnerability is a total turn on.
It's good to embrace the things that make you feel confident. Just don't go over the top. The best choice is to be feminine, open, and flirty. If heels make you feel good wear them, if your favorite dress makes you feel curvy, put it on, just remember there is a middle ground.
Nicole, who works with men all the time, says “Men get overloaded if you come out with your A-game. They can get overloaded with desire and their brain forces them to objectify you.”
For women who feel they are not being valued for who they are and believe men just want to sleep with them, trust your gut. If someone does not value you as a human being and isn't looking for a deeper connection, trust your feelings. Say what is on your mind. If you are super attracted to the person and they explain the miscommunication, it is ok to give them a second chance.
Setting a boundary does not create a conflict. It lets a man know what you want and allows him to be honest about what he wants.
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