On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris relate the on-screen drama to real-life dating scenarios. Michelle takes off as a front runner, Sarah does the right thing, and Queen Victoria overreacts, again. Chris cites examples from the man-panelist segment of the previous Ignite Your Life event.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Whether we realize it or not we all have cognitive bias. Many women automatically think that all men are this, or all men are like that. This type of thinking comes from our limiting beliefs. So, when we search for information online about a guy, you will view it through the lens of what your limiting belief is.
Chris shares an example of a man panel experience where a woman's limiting belief was guys were intimidated because she does very well financially. But, that was the story she told herself. Her limiting beliefs were leaking. There is an armor that comes up to protect us from whatever the limiting belief is attempting to protect us from.
Don't stalk someone online just let them show up as who they are.
During the Bachelor, Queen Victoria felt ignored by Matt. Her reaction to feeling ignored came off as vulnerable and needy. Marni says a better strategy would be to do what Bri did. The entire concept of the show is for a guy to leave a series of breadcrumbs, but the ladies do not have to take the bait.
If you are in a situation where a guy is breadcrumbing for two months, try saying, “I'm in a place where I am looking to meet people, see if there is a connection, and date them. What are you looking for? If you would ask me out, I would say yes."
If you approach the situation like above and the guy needs more than that, get the heck out of there. You don't want to be with someone so wishy-washy! Be direct. Tell him you are done with the BS but in a nice way.
If you are putting yourself in front of a guy and he is not picking up what you are putting down, just say no. Then, ask yourself why you are doing it. What do you need to learn that keeps you attracted to or interested in that
Marni and Chris talk about Matt's date with Michelle. They both agree that she didn’t stand out as a front runner before the great date. Michelle is not the glamoury, Instagram-type model with a traditional sense of beauty. But, being irresistible isn't just about what size you are, your ‘prettiness’ level, etc. Being fun with playful energy goes a long way.
At first, Chris says he was watching the Matt/Michelle date with his guy eye. He didn’t think much about her but by the end of watching the date, he found her gorgeous. Marni says it is because Michelle is authentic and she is genuinely trying to find out if Matt is the guy for her.
When you are in 'I hope you pick me' mode you are self-moderating to try and be who you think the person would like.
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As we settle into the long-haul of this pandemic, online dating and app dating are a must. Even if you had a not-so-perfect experience with online dating, what’s the harm in giving it another go? Marni and online dating expert, Mike Goldstein, discuss what men need from the women they date to be truly interested, the best and worst online platforms to find what you are looking for, and how dating has changed in the modern era.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Mike created an acronym to describe the four feelings men need to feel to fall in love with a woman, NAAB.
In the modern era, women are much more independent. Many men feel like they are losing their spot and they need to feel needed. Marni says, the older ideas of romance still exist for women even though times have changed. It is a confusing time for both men and women. Mike offers up some advice on when and how to make a man feel needed.
Your ideal guy may make a lot less money than you.
If you ask a man to do a small favor to make him feel needed, thank him for what he did. He needs something to do and reinforce how great it was that he did it. It doesn’t have to be over-the-top just a simple thank you to let him know you noticed.
Mike reveals that we all have minor trauma from our past dating experiences. When we started dating it was probably just based on the way the other person looked. Immaturely, we thought we would change people because we liked the way they looked but they didn't match what we wanted in a partner.
Marni had a major epiphany about this. It is sneaky to try and change someone but we all resist having the hard conversations. Women have to decide if the thing they want to change about a man is a gamechanger or deal breaker.
If the person you are dating does not embody the top five things you want in a person stop dating them.
Boundaries are telling a man what you want and doing it in a happy, nice way. Mike reminds us that men need clear direction in everything. People are not mind readers. Men and women should respect each other by telling the other exactly what they want in a clear way. Dating is so much better when there are open lines of communication.
You can't say the wrong thing to the right person.
The first piece of advice Mike offers for online dating is that you must be on the major sites. In the past, he says, apps like Bumble and Hinge did not have many users. But during this pandemic, if you are in your fifties or sixties, you will likely find a person you are attracted to.
Even if you tried online dating in the past and hated it, Marni says, her clients are having fun with it. It's easier than ordering clothes online.
Mike wishes there were more people on OK CUPID. He raves about the algorithm they use but says, hardly any one is on it any more. Most women listening to this podcast will not find their equals there.
People using the Hinge app are a bit more serious about finding a long-term relationship.
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On this week's Bachelorette recap, Marni and Chris discuss Matt James’ personality or the lack of it. They question whether this season is poorly scripted or if Matt is simply stale. Dissecting his actions towards the women offers an abundance of lessons. Marni sees the signs and shares how to maintain dignity if you encounter a man like Matt in the wild.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Be on the lookout, the best hunters dress up and look and present themselves just like Matt James. He shows very little humor, kindness, empathy, depth, or personality. Plus, they dress him like a Patagonia ad or beer commercial.
Marni is not a fan. Chris, on the other hand, thinks he is hot. This is a good lesson about getting caught up on looks. If a guy is super-hot we can confuse chemistry with intimacy. When dating, delve deeper into the person underneath the wrapping.
That being said, Matt was abandoned by his father. He may be missing the ability to set boundaries because he wants to be liked and loved. It's about him. The girls are presenting themselves to him but he barely notices the gestures they attempt to get his attention.
Classic hunter behavior is giving you crumbs and then pretending you don’t matter.
Marni says to observe a hot guy like a silent movie. Notice his actions and behaviors. Matt doesn’t seem to be interested in any one of the thirty-two ladies. He doesn't make anyone feel special or give any indication of a front runner. He may be attracted to someone who is broken. Marni sees through the smoke and mirrors but a lot of the girls have accepted that they are in a one-sided relationship.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you feel insecure or are feeling triggered and start to doubt yourself, be aware of what is happening. With a clear head, say, ‘I'm getting triggered’ or ‘This is making me insecure and I'm starting to doubt myself.’
Will you do the same shit or will you change it? Will you choose dignity over validation? Marni advises us to make the courageous move and choose dignity over validation.
If you are dating and you have a couple of great conversations it is easy to lose sight of collecting data and having fun. It’s OK to have fun when dating and take your time before passing judgment. Let someone show you who they are over a period of time. Everyone can be awesome for a few weeks or months.
Matt James realizes he has thirty-two women waiting in the wings. He is reacting by being physical and emotionally unavailable.
If you are into a guy too much, too fast, too soon… it will be too intense. There is a fine line between being interested but not being obsessed. Dating a couple of people at once will keep your options open and your energy up.
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Did you know that stress could be turning away potential mates? Cortisol, the chemical released during stressful periods can build up in your body and cause anxiety and depression. To discover a natural, daily way to lower stress levels, Marni speaks with the founder of Vibrant Blue Oils, Jodi Sternoff Cohen, about how essential oils can help you take control of your nervous system and date from a healthy place.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Jodi shares her personal journey of anxiety and stress. Her ex-husband was severely depressed. She walked on eggshells 24/7. After he attempted suicide, her friends told her she shouldn’t be handling the situation alone. When he was placed in a doctor’s care, she thought she would feel better but her energy was depleted and she still felt the pain of chronic stress. Her cortisol level had been high for such a long time, it was wreaking havoc in her body.
A friend introduced her to essential oils and that day she accomplished more in one day than she had in the previous three weeks. She wondered if there was something she could do with the oils to help her sleep. She started creating all of her own blends and sharing with friends who all had positive experiences.
Nutritional therapy and essential oils can be part of your healing process.
Much like a computer, our bodies have an operating system that controls our automatic functions, such as breathing, digestion, heart rate, and anxiety. The system allocates resources to where we need them. If the nervous system is on high-alert it changes our ability to connect with other people. Our pupils dilate and our sympathetic nervous system keeps us from connecting with other people.
Essential oils can help us shift gears to reach a space where it is easier to connect to others and attract the high-quality guy we desire.
The vagus nerve is the main communication highway between your brain and your body. It passes through your heart and lungs. Right behind your ear is where the nerve is most accessible. It switches on your parasympathetic nervous system. That is the place to put the oil.
If things are crazy around you, it is your choice how you respond. Oils can help you shift your response.
The challenge with illnesses is that it is hard to get remedies into the brain due to the blood-brain barrier. Essential oils are fat-soluble and pass easily through the blood-brain barrier.
When we get enough sleep, calm our nervous systems, and eliminate the waste in our bodies we are healthier and happier. When we are happier we attract people to us because our pheromones are released without impurities.
Research of the olfactory center of the body and the study of pheromones tells us why we are attracted to people, how we smell danger, and how we can boost our mood through smells.
Applying rose oil over the heart is the fastest way to boost your mood, feel better, and stop fear.
Jodi shares gems from her newest book, Essential oils: Boost the Brain and Heal the Body, including nerve stimulation techniques.
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If you had seven seconds to make the best impression possible, would you take the extra time to update your wardrobe and makeup? If not, you should. Marni and Man-panelist Chris Gillis discuss their thoughts on this week’s Bachelor episode and glean important lessons from what went wrong and what went right.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Did you notice Victoria’s dress had puffy sleeves and her bra was showing? If you are dating and haven't in a while, it is important to make an awesome first impression by optimizing your look. Make your clothes reflect who you are now and not who you were the last time you went on a date. You should feel comfortable in your clothes, but also look good. Ultimately, it is about how you feel.
One of the girls on the show kissed Matt and left a makeup stain on him. If you are wearing that much makeup, it is too much! It is important to make sure your makeup is appropriate for the venue or the event. On the flip side, Victoria chose not to wear makeup and it was a disaster.
You have 7 seconds to make a first impression. If people notice your makeup or clothes they aren't noticing you.
Most of the girls asked Matt if they could kiss him. Marni and Chris debate whether this is appropriate or not. Marni says it's romantic when a man does it, but women may have the belief that they have to be sexual for a man to like them. This belief is false!
The right guy will wait. The right guy will be a gentleman. If you are dating someone and there is chemistry, it's worth having a conversation before making the first move.
On a date and there is chemistry, instead of ‘can I kiss you?’ try ‘I wouldn’t say no to a kiss’.
Marni recalls the ATV date. Matt invites Bri to an adventure date where they are riding separate ATVs. Marni says that this is a red flag a guy is trying to be macho. On separate quads, Matt couldn't get romantic even if he wanted to. A date can be an adventure but make it something that you can appreciate together.
Outside your comfort zone is great but not on the first date.
Chris has not been super impressed with how all the girls are falling all over Matt and no one has gotten mad at him for anything. Matt admits he has not dated in a long time which means he is probably just along for the ride and may not be interested in a long-term relationship.
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Yay, Season 25 of The Bachelor is finally here! Marni and Man-panelist Chris Gillis join forces to extract the dating and relationship lessons from the interactions between the new Bachelor and the 30-women vying for his attention. Does 29-year-old, real-estate broker Matt James have what it takes to sift through the throng of amazingly diverse women and find his love?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Matt James voices the pressure he feels in being the first bi-racial Bachelor. With a black father and white mother, Matt says he must represent both black and white people. Marni describes this as a great dating lesson because when we date we find that we feel pressure, or have expectations about who we are supposed to be with. Often, this predisposition to date a certain type of person is based on our religion, economic status, or our parents.
We don't realize the ‘shoulds’ that have been passed down to us. When dating, it is important to excavate these thoughts because we need to be looking for our right partner, not the partner we think we are supposed to have.
We all tend to type-cast people and then only date within those boxes.
Dating exercise:
Marni does not think any of the women have the same level of ‘wow’ factor that Bachelorette’s Tayisha or Hannah had but she admits that it is early in the season. Time will tell. Chris says no one stuck out to him as a front runner either.
Others thought Katie, the girl who brought out the vibrator in a comic effort would get the first impression rose because she seemed to be carefree. Chris says he completely understands why she did not get the rose. He thought it was lame and that she was hiding behind the humor.
Bachelor Matt James chose to give Abigail the first impression rose.
If you have something you perceive as a flaw, figure out how to vulnerably share it sooner than later.
Marni questions whether Bachelor Matt James is ‘relationship-ready’ after his comment about not knowing what love is and wondering if one of the women can help him break down his walls. Chris concurs saying, it is as if Matt wants the women to do his personal development work for him.
Will one of the women be accepting of his challenge? Will Matt be able to recognize love when it is offered? Next week’s recap will have additional insights.
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Do you wait to check the mood of the room before becoming playful and flirty? Do you let your date set the tone of the evening first? If you are not stepping into your sensuality every day when you do get frisky may feel fake. To delve deep into how to create desire Marni welcomes Founder of Sensuality Secrets and Dance Consultant, Patty Contesta into the Den. Patty shares tips on how to embrace your sensuality and create desire.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Many women are looking for a man to be playful first before opening up and embracing their own playfulness. Patty says in order to create the right energy, we have to bring our playfulness to the table first. A date should be fun for us regardless of what happens with the other person.
Just because your date picks a fancy restaurant doesn't mean you can not bring your flirty feminine side to the structured environment. Make the environment your playground by being present and using all your senses to turn up the dial.
Making the most of being real and in-the-moment is allowing your walls to come down, to be curious and open. The guy may or may not respond in kind but it is the perfect opportunity to collect data about him.
Our physical bodies are like antennas. They are always sending and receiving energetic messages. When we allow ourselves to use non-verbal communication we can fire up feelings of desire. Small physical movements throughout the day can get us out of our heads and relax our bodies.
Desire relates to the feeling of yearning for something to happen. It ignites the imagination and allows us to savor experiences. On dates, many women are afraid to feel desire because they get stuck in their heads and are trying to measure up.
The ingredients to create desirability are:
Sensuality — The ability to elevate the senses.
Managing Sexual Energy — Triggering a sense of vitality and vibrancy.
Embracing Feminine Energy — Asking for what you want.
Women often underestimate the power of asking a man for something they want.
Patty says that when you verbalize what you want it causes connection with a guy because all he wants is instructions and feedback.
The best way to shift into your most sensual self is to modify simple daily tasks, such as walking, and incorporate sensuality into it. For example, sauntering down a hallway may take an extra five seconds but the extra time gives our senses a chance to appreciate our environment.
Patty says that people seem to have forgotten how to take their time and to do things with intention. She says in order for our bodies to fully calibrate and integrate the information our minds know, we need daily practice. It reminds both our bodies and our minds that we are sensual beings.
We have to love being with ourselves because if we don't create the playful, sensual being in our own time we will feel like we are faking it when we attempt to embody it. If we practice a little every day, we build our confidence and we own the feeling when we want to be playful.
There is a way to walk that creates a bit more mystery and adds rhythm to our day. Having inner thigh awareness can shift the entire vibe of our body. The sensual, seductive feminine walks with inner thigh awareness.
Inner thigh awareness is considering every step you take has more to do with your behind than your front.
Women need to balance their mental, physical, and emotional selves. Our bodies are more than a transportation system for our heads. A slow drip is what allows us to appreciate a thing’s deliciousness. It is not wise to rush through everything.
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What kind of guys do you attract? Are you constantly attracting high-caliber guys? Or do you attract emotionally unavailable guys who keep you guessing about where the relationship is going or how they feel about you? In this episode of the Dating Den, Marni speaks with Brooke about the revelations she experienced during the 3-day Ignite Your Life event and how her life has changed since.
Key takeaways from this episode:
In August, Brooke invested in herself and joined the virtual Ignite Your Life event. She was self-aware enough to realize that emotionally available men were her type. She did not necessarily want that type of relationship in her life, but she recognized she kept attracting the same type of guy. This behavior allowed her to keep up her bad-ass facade and not get vulnerable with men.
Patterns from childhood were deeply ingrained, and as she worked on her non-negotiables she realized she could be completely vulnerable and still be safe. It made her feel stronger as a woman.
During Ignite Your Life, Brooke couldn’t get over the amount of support from the other women. They were women she had never met before, but they reached out to her and let her know she was not alone. Their feedback overwhelmed her.
“I was afraid to be vulnerable, but I figured I didn't have anything left to lose.” — Brooke
Brooke realized:
Brooke says when she enrolled in the event she was skeptical because she did not know she could live any other way. But, after day three, she came to some important realizations. She realized she needs positive affirmation, it is OK to ask for help and be vulnerable. She discovered an entire part of herself that got buried when she was a child. Brooke knows she can live a more stable and happy life.
Brooke says there may always be the part of her that will worry about being rejected, but now she understands being rejected is not so bad. Rejection means that person wasn't right for her. She is doing more to take care of herself to resurrect her true nature.
Brooke says she is still a work in progress but she is dating and dating with intention and vulnerability. People spend money on material things but they don't spend money on their interior, or self-care. It takes courage to crack yourself open and face the things that have been hidden.
Doing maintenance on your interior pays off in all other aspects of your life.
Brooke says she has fallen back into her old habits from time to time but the community from Ignite Your Life keeps her on track and offers her accountability.
She is currently dating two men. She is figuring out how she feels about each. She is dating to find someone who meets her non-negotiables. She says she finds dating more rewarding now that she does it with intention.
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