Marni and Chris take a deep dive into the ups and downs of the relationships of the Bachelor Paradise’s contestants. Along with Dr.Emily, the trio contemplate the most prominent mistakes men and women make in relationships, and how their personality traits and behaviors affect their journey with their partners. While it may be a younger generation, we find that the traps the contestants fall into are very similar to the ones we still fall into, at any age, when out in the dating world.
Takeaways from this episode:
Don’t Negotiate on Your Non-Negotiables [2:24]
The relationship between Kate and Logan is the epitome of what happens when you choose to date someone, who you know doesn’t tick off all the boxes on your check list. Marni points out, that rather than mistreating the “wrong” someone and putting them down, knowing your non-negotiables, will save you time, effort and quite frankly, a mean girl attitude.
Marni explains that for her, there are five non-negotiables, and that getting clear on what those are for you is an important part of successfully dating. Once you’ve identified the values that you’re not willing to compromise on, it’s equally vital, to share them with your partner. We find a perfect example of this with Kate and Logan. Kate put Logan down, and admitted to him not having the traits she was looking for. And yet, she’d not had a single honest conversation with him about her non-negotiables.
It’s not healthy for you or the person you’re dating, to stick around on the hope of them changing, or miraculously deciphering what your values are.
Eventually, you’re going to come back with some vitriol or resentment or something and you’re just going to hurt the person.
As Chris astutely explained it, you’ll end up hurting the person regardless, even when you’re trying not to, because of all the negative emotions that are pent up.
Bottom line is, know yourself and don’t drag your partner along for the ride if he’s not the one you want in the driver’s seat, to begin with.
The Ick: It’s you, not him [22:38]
As the story of Tyler and Britney unfolded, it was a clear manifestation of the anxious-avoidant trap that Chris had called it out earlier on, in the show. Where Britney seems to have a more avoidant personality type, Tyler comes off more as more needy. Dr.Emily explains that because the show was a controlled setting, the difference between those two personality types and how they might clash, wasn’t apparent. But, once out in the real world, however, that’s when Emily started to pull away.
Feeling the ick because someone is too into you, though, might be a sign that internally you are not used to having someone consistently care about you, and rather than set boundaries, you run in the other direction. Marni explains that a lot of the times, women get the ick because their partner is too interested and they start leaning in, more and more. And that’s when it goes from an attraction to a sort of turn-off for the woman. But that’s not a healthy pattern.
Chris gives his two cents by explaining that men are actually trainable. It’s more fulfilling, in the long run, to be with a man who checks on you too much than one who is completely aloof and checked out. Because the one who is too present is, more likely than not, the sweet guy, who’ll be there for the tough times.
They’re in touch with their feelings and express them versus trying to beat it out.
Britney didn’t need to put Tyler down the way she did, but rather have a conversation with him about space. The bad boys aren’t the ones who are going to be up with you at 4:00 AM stroking your hair while you feed baby, David. It’s the vulnerable, open ones, who are willing to give you what you deserve, that’ll still be standing when the smoke clears.
Pink Flags Might Just be Worth the Risk [21:24]
Sometimes taking a chance on the person standing in front of you pays off. Exploring that curiosity that attracted you to the person in the first place, despite the pink flags, by going on dates and getting to know them, does eventually bare fruits – not always in the way you imagined, but it doesn’t make it any less extraordinary.
Danielle continued seeing Michael and asking the right questions, and helping him work through his trauma, until they ended up moving to a more serious phase of their relationship.
Marni refers to their relationship in mentioning that the slower you go, the faster you get there. And that’s what they did, the two contestants took their time to get to know each other.
Dr. Emily mentions, that while she’s skeptical about whether or not, he’s actually ready for that type of relationship, it is clear that Michel is trying.
Because historically, I think he sees any kind of pink flag, and he’s like, out the door.
With Danielle, however, Michael seems to really be opening up, as Dr,Emily put it.
Taking your time to actually uncover what makes a person who they are, pays off, because we’ve all got a few pink flags at the end of the day.
Marni welcomes Adele Spraggon in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they get into the nitty gritty of how to train your brain and break down patterns that have been influencing your relationships. Adele is an award-winning author, an international trainer and the recipient of the 2022 Women of Inspiration accolade. In this episode, Marni and Adele discuss the reasons why we react to our partners the way we do, how to recognize certain patterns in ourselves, and how to break the cycle of emotional distress that sometimes manifests in relationships. It’s a journey of self-empowerment wrapped in a 4-step process that starts by looking inwards, without judgment. Winner of the 2021 Top Behavioral expert title, Adele’s book, “Shift: 4 Steps to Personal Empowerment” has won several awards.
You’re Interacting with a Pattern, Not a Partner [05:38]
Adele explains that when meeting or interacting with a person, we’re actually interpreting them through our own set of past experiences. We’re not reacting to them, but to a pattern we’ve formed for them.
Let’s think about the brain. It’s inside a dark silent room called a skull. It has no access to the outside world, so I can’t really know you.
We’re interacting to our own brain, rather than to the person standing in front of us. Adele goes on to emphasize that the brain is in a continuous process of rewiring itself. And to break certain cycle, repatterning – which is unearthing, understanding, and changing the internal patterns that are obstructing the relationship – is key. Reminding ourselves that we’re actually interacting with our own pattern, is an introspective process that allows us to find out why we’ve reacted to our partner’s behavior in a certain way. This eventually leads to the understanding that our reaction has more to do with us, than with them.
A pattern is an intertwined physical sensation, emotion and thought.
It is the patterns within us that we need to identify, deconstruct and reconstructed, in order to understand the why. And that’s part of the 4-step process that the award-winning author uses when working with couples.
Your Mind is just Along for the Ride [ 12:14]
Triggers stem from the physical and emotional state, rather than from the mind. What a person’s mind essentially does, is take whatever sensory data it’s given, and weave a story out of it.
If we could slow everything down, you would see the mind just following along.
The mind is there to justify the emotions. But in order to recognize these patterns and start deconstructing them, we need to slow down, and ask ourselves the right questions. The first step in Adele’s process for training the brain, is being unapologetically honest with ourselves about our feelings. In a world that’s constantly putting pressure on us to alter ourselves, the expert explains that this process is not about changing or fixing a particular emotion but rather about embracing and understanding it.
A Little Less Conversation, a Little More Introspection [18:57]
We’re not saying communication isn’t important, but rather how you’re communicating. Constantly trying to fix your partner or tell them what to do - something we’re all guilty of at one point or other - doesn’t work. Whereas, understanding the pattern that makes you react to them in a certain way, does. Your reaction to your partner’s behavior is a reflection of one of your patterns. Explaining those feelings to your partner, once you’ve explored them yourself, is the road to healing.
It’s when someone needs to justify or defend how they’re feeling, or fix how they’re feeling, it causes the other brain, your partner’s brain, to also want to defend, justify and fix.
The four traps Adele says need to be avoided, and the same ones that keep those triggering behaviors cemented in the relationship, are justifying, analyzing, catastrophizing and rebelling. Our brains have been, throughout our lives, conditioned to analyze, and justify. So, don’t justify. Unless you’ve taken a moment to stand still, and accept how you feel, and what pattern that belongs to, the relationship becomes a vicious cycle that is constantly repeating itself, with no end in sight.
What’s happening to your partner’s brain is every time you go down one of those traps, you’re pushing them into one of their traps.
Marni and Chris join forces to untangle the real-life dating lessons from this Hunger Games version of Bachelor in Paradise (BIP for the cool kids). Next week is the season finale so a lot of relationships are meeting their breaking point. And, Chris makes a BIG announcement about how to upgrade your male partner!
Takeaways from this episode:
The biggest mistake women make in relationships
Is it too soon to start dating again?
Finding someone new will not lessen your heartbreak
The success rate of ultimatums
One of the biggest mistakes women make in dating and relationships happens twice in this episode. As Marni points out, you can’t get under someone else before you are healed from your last relationship. For example; Eliza chooses Rodney but it doesn’t feel right so she runs to the next boy, and keeps chasing different men because she doesn't know what will make her happy. Marni’s advice for her is to take a pause to get her mind straight.
Then, Andrew reveals that he can’t get over Teddi breaking up with him in the second season. He just dates other people to try to feel better. He needs to deal with his feelings before going any farther with Ency, who apparently loves him after spending less than 24 hours with him. In a very short time, Ency’s leaking low self-esteem gave Marni the icks.
Many guys, when heartbroken, will try to find someone else. The idea that dating someone else will make you feel better or get over your heartbreak is immature.
Chris asks if it is not healthy for someone to get under someone else soon after a breakup, how will I know when it is time?
Marni says relationship readiness depends on when you are emotionally free from the past. There are no thoughts of your ex coming back, no resentment, and no dark thoughts. Your heart should be healed.
Only after getting back to normal should you test the waters to see if you are able to be with another person without comparing them to the ex.
Ency chooses the ultimatum strategy to try and get Aaron to give her love. By threatening to leave him she used an age-old manipulative strategy that comes from a place of fear and control. It is an immature and volatile way to handle conflict. It’s a horrible way to try to get someone to love you.
During the show, Aaron and Genevieve have an off-camera fight. Aaron tells her that her feeling impatient and stressed is the same thing and that she shouldn’t feel that way. In a time when she needed empathy, he didn’t know how to give it. Ultimately, they don’t know how to resolve conflict. He is a mansplainer who deflects issues instead of dealing with them.
Marni shares a spoiler and some juicy gossip about Aaron!
Both Aaron and Genevieve have an anxious attachment style. Their interactions show the unhealthy ways people try to express themselves when they want to experience love. Somewhere deep down in her gut, Genevieve knows Aaron is not the right guy but she ignores her intuition over and over.
“Fight for me” and ultimatum strategies are NOT ways to create connection or resolve problems.
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Marni welcomes the head of Global Communications at OkCupid, Michael Kaye to the Life Check Yourself Studio. OkCupid is one of the world's largest dating apps. Previously, Michael served as a Product Communications Manager at LinkedIn and as a Sr. Global Communications Manager with OkCupid. He is an industry award winner who has been featured on ABC NEWS, Business Insider, Bustle, Cosmo, NYT, and more. He shares insider tips and best practices to help you find someone special.
Takeaways from this episode:
Insider tips for making the algorithm find the right match
How much time to spend dating online
Who should message first
How to get offline and into each other's arms
Big dating profile turn-offs
How Michael Became a Connection Guru [2:21]
In college, Michael didn't know how to find other men in his area. He found the safest and most discreet way was through dating apps. The great news is that he is still dating the person he met online eight and a half years later. One day, he received a DM from someone at OkCupid to see if he was interested in interviewing for a position. He accepted and the rest is history. He says he loves working for a company that helps people find love all over the globe.
Dating apps work because people aren't attending gatherings like they used to.
Marni says the pandemic helped make online dating mainstream and shifted people's perception about trying to find someone online. Michael adds that the pandemic trends were that people wanted a stronger emotional connection before a physical connection. Another trend was that women started to take control of their dating lives. They were sending more first messages than ever before and it paid off for them.
Women Should Send the First Message [10:18]
Michael’s advice is to really take some time into drafting the first message to someone with a profile you find intriguing. He shares the data on how to make your first message the best. He says if you don't have a positive outlook, then you shouldn’t reach out. Take some time for yourself because what you put into online dating is what you get out of it. If you don't put the time in, you won't get quality matches, you won't find that special someone.
Dating is a part-time job.
Insider Secret Tips:
There is a way to trick the system but you have to spend the time doing it.
Go online for a few minutes every day or every other day. If not, you may be missing connections.
Change something about your profile every few weeks.
Login every Sunday as it is the busiest day of the week.
Learn to work the algorithm and educate it about who you are interested in.
Data shows that more than 9 in 10 people on OK Cupid have average or higher than average self-confidence. It's important to be confident in who you are when dating. If not those insecurities will filter into any relationship. It creates an unhealthy relationship if you don't.
How to Move Things Offline [19:58]
Michael says that it is easy to get frustrated with online dating because so many first messages are just Hey or What's Up. He says to move the conversation from the app to an in-person meeting, is to not be shy and say something like … this app is killing my battery, here is my number, this moves the conversation from the app to a phone call, e-mail, or even face-to-face.
30% of OkCupid daters want to move the conversation off the app asap.
Biggest Red Flags in Online Dating:
53% of daters on OkCupid say that being controversial or saying offensive things is a red flag.
27% of daters say mentioning an ex on first dates is a red flag,
20% of daters don't like it when the other person gets too drunk on a first date.
The biggest turn-off for people on an online dating app is people who put ---swipe left if - on their profile. Micheal advises that instead of focusing on deal breakers, highlight the dealmakers.
Make a Connection:
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Marni and Chris analyze the relationship styles of the remaining Bachelor in Paradise contestants and contemplate what effect the new singles dropping in next week will have on a season that is almost over. And, even though the contestants are hot-bodied, 20‒30 somethings, we find out that their dating mistakes are not so far off from the rest of us.
Takeaways from this episode:
Trying to find love without a good foundation of what healthy love is
Why checking boxes isn’t enough for some women
What exactly is love-bombing?
Setting boundaries
Don’t Waste Your Precious Time on the Wrong Person [1:04]
Handsome Alex is a great example of how checking boxes isn’t enough. Chris Gillis thinks Alex left the show because he didn’t offer any of the super-cool, put-together ladies anything to dwell on. He didn’t have any emotional response and he wasn’t fun enough. He was a plain vanilla type of guy.
Marni points out that one of the people in a relationship must be responsible for asking questions that evoke emotions or lead to getting to know someone better. Alex didn’t do that.
Logan, Johnny, and Alex just didn’t have what it takes to fulfill Victoria or Kate’s desire to set up a house and eventually have children. Marni adds that empowered women know what they want.
If you want to fix him, don’t date him. A guy is going to be the same guy no matter how long you date him.
Recognizing that a guy doesn’t meet your non-negotiables is a clear sign to end it. There is no sense in prolonging a relationship because you think a guy is going to change. He won’t.
The Big Story on the Beach [10:36]
The big story of the show was Rodney, Eliza, and Justin. Eliza gave Rodney the rose and sent Justin home. Marni says if she were to coach Rodney, she would tell him not to say such creepy things as Eliza stood there crying. It was probably what turned her off.
Both Rodney and Justin seem like typical good guys. Even as Justin left, he was supportive and in dignity. Eliza said she wanted to be fought for and then when it happened she didn’t know how to handle it.
Eliza may not have a healthy idea of what love is, or what a healthy relationship is. This is what happens when someone can’t manage their feelings. When Eliza’s feelings got overwhelming, she shut down.
That being said, it is also not fair to think you can choose between two men in only four dates.
Some women sabotage a great guy because they like the bad-for-you guys.
When someone says they got love-bombed, what exactly does it mean? Marni clarifies that love-bombing is when someone tells you how amazing you are and begins future-based conversations without really knowing you. Then shortly after, they get critical about the things they ignored. It is a total F-boy tool.
When you are grounded in your self-worth and not dating from a place of scarcity you don’t get love-bombed or gaslit.
Make a Connection:
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Marni welcomes Brett Parker to the show. Brett walked away from his former career as a successful Hollywood director in LA. The burnout and overwhelm created a disconnect from everything he valued including his five-year-old son. He discovered a simple, elegant process to break free from the feeling of disconnect. He has since devoted his life to helping clients find their dream careers with passion, focus, and impact.
Takeaways from this episode:
Creating the life you want
Stop making decisions from fear
Get clear about your why
Living your million-dollar story
Create the Life You Want [2:21]
Ladies, use this convo with Brett to remind you that every guy you meet has his own crazy going on in his life. After his divorce, Brett found it challenging, but in a good way. He focused on how he could show up to be the best dad because that was the most important thing to him. He was so burned out he felt as if he had no choice but to leave his previous life.
During a dark night on the couch, Brett decided to forget about all the limitations and create a list of his absolute wants and his non-negotiables. He says, we all have a choice and we either choose love or fear. The first step is to decide what we want. If we don’t know what we want, we remain stuck.
When we feel stuck it is because we have made decisions out of fear.
Brett’s Steps to Get Unstuck:
Walk down the road of fear. Consider the worst possible thing that can happen if you make a change.
Embody the emotions you want to feel now.
Get clear about what you want in your life.
Be committed to living your why.
If you are waiting for the fear to pass you may be waiting forever.
The Process of Reframing [11:46]
Marni asks Brett what to do when we can’t get clear about what it is we truly want. For example, when we know what we don’t want but can’t put our finger on what would make our future amazing.
Brett took the leap even though he was afraid he wasn’t going to be there for the people important to him. Yet, in taking action, he was the happiest he had ever been in his life. He began embracing everything that came his way. He was learning new things and he was beginning to embody his why. He started to feel like the luckiest person in the world.
Success or love may not look like what you think it should look like. Reimagine your future.
Make a Connection:
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Marni welcomes an award-winning international dating and relationship expert. Hunt Ethridge has over 15 years of helping people become the best, most datable versions of themselves. He helps his clients empirically become more datable. His company trains matchmakers and dating coaches. You may have seen him on one or more than 100 media outlets, including Playboy and CNN.
Takeaways from this episode:
How to communicate with Men about sex
Use special phraseology to get what you want
Get empirically better at dating
How to give a compliment
How Do Men Learn to Be Good at Sex [3:29]
Many women ask Marni why they are not excited about having sex with their boyfriend or how they can get their partners to be better at sex. Hunt says men don’t have a lot of resources to go to for information about relationships and sex. It is hard for them to know what to do.
For men, sex is tied up with ego. And, the male ego is fragile. This is what makes it difficult to ask for relationship advice and not take the feedback as criticism. A magazine or porn isn’t the greatest way to learn about sex because of the stereotypical roles they portray.
There are ways for women to get what they want in bed without being critical or frustrated with their guy. Hunt says it’s all about the phraseology. Adding a positive aspect can make a guy feel comfortable enough to adapt to what his woman wants.
Every woman has a different manual when it comes to physical touch.
Get Empirically Better at Dating [9:22]
Marni asks how women and men optimize themselves to find the right person. Hunt says luck favors the prepared mind. The essence of dating is to understand the value systems of your culture and try to exemplify them.
Empirically better dating is just a series of little extra skills that make you a more interesting, likable, person.
When dating, it is normal for people to ask logical questions hoping to get some conversation starter nuggets. But, in doing that Hunt says, we don’t set the stage for chemistry to flourish. We ask logical questions expecting to get an emotional result. Hunt offers examples of how logical questions can be asked emotionally.
Reframing a question can lead to emotional responses and help put us in a positive light.
Compliments are low-hanging fruit. But, if you give a compliment with a personalized touch it will mean so much more to the person.
Make a Connection:
Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!
Follow Along On Marni and Jeremy’s Radical Living Challenge!
Download A Complimentary Copy Of Our Book — How To Find A Quality Guy Without Going On 200 Dates
Marni and Chris are joined by Dr. Emily to dish about what went terribly wrong on this week’s Bachelor in Paradise. In addition to extracting the real-life dating lessons demonstrated on the show, they share the contestants they identify with, and who their favorite contestants are.
Takeaways from this episode:
Power dynamics in relationships
Settling for the guy who shows you attention
The importance of shared values
Age-gap relationships
Gender Role Confusion on BIP [2:18]
Eliza and Rodney decided they were made for each other then Justin came back. Uh oh! Eliza asks if she can go on a date with Justin and Rodney says yes, but why? In the real world, many women are confused about power dynamics. They send confusing messages to men about how much power they want in a relationship because they were taught conflicting messages about what masculine and feminine dynamics are in a relationship.
Direct and honest communication is the best gift you can give another person.
Just because a guy says he is falling for you doesn’t make him “the one.” Almost all of the women on the show are emotionally fragile. They seem to be stuck on the guy that chooses them instead of weighing out their options. A lack of self-worth is what makes us settle for every guy that gives us attention.
Victoria Falls for Johnny [17:07]
What is it about Johnny that made Victoria crumble this week? Does he have F-boy kryptonite, or is it because he hangs out with the popular kids? He told Victoria he wasn’t good enough for her and he clearly doesn’t have the same values. Yet, as soon as she saw his brokenness and puppy dog face, she was hooked.
Toxicity [25:54]
Genevieve and Aaron are an example of how NOT to resolve conflict and how NOT to move forward in a relationship. These two are toxic together. Getting angry and defensive doesn’t solve anything. They both seem to have emotional issues and like drama.
Chris says this tactic won’t last. Eventually, one partner is going to give up and stop chasing the drama.
Make a Connection:
Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!
Follow Along On Marni and Jeremy’s Radical Living Challenge!
Download A Complimentary Copy Of Our Book — How To Find A Quality Guy Without Going On 200 Dates