This episode of the Bachelorette features a never-before-seen moment in TV history. Fans who watched were able to celebrate Katie saying goodbye to the villain before the lame drama started, Nick Viall shows up for no reason, and guys expose vulnerable moments from their past.
Key takeaways from this episode:
In this episode, Katie had a second date with a group of guys and asked them to share something vulnerable. Marni and Chris agree it was a great segment. Most of the guys sincerely shared very personal things they were ashamed of or bad choices they made. One guy got emotional and cried.
Katie was compassionate and shared a vulnerable moment from her past. She explained why she is #sexpositive.
When is it the right time to share your back story? Marni recommends sharing vulnerabilities on the third or fourth date. Don’t wait until you are six months to a year into a relationship. It’s too late.
Getting Rid of the Villian [11:24]
Even if the producers wanted to keep the drama high, Katie dumped Carl before he had a chance to wreak havoc. A new contender for the dislikeable character award reared his head up though, Thomas. Instead of sharing something vulnerable, Thomas pushed his agenda by saying he is only on the show to build his platform. Both Marni and Chris agree that he put his cards on the table and was truthful about who he was but who he is doesn’t make good partner material.
A mistake many women make is thinking they can change a guy or the chemistry is so amazing they don't really listen to when a guy tells them who he is.
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In this episode of the Dating Den, Marni speaks with bestselling author Matthew Coast about what it takes to be a forever woman. In his book, The Forever Woman: Make Him See You as the Woman He Wants Forever, he outlines the top three ways women become a person of value. He shares the important details in this conversation.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Guy after guy Matthew speaks with says they doubt they will ever find their forever woman. A poll shows that 87% of men want to find a woman they can settle down with but, they don't believe they will ever find her.
One of the biggest hurdles for men is that they have other things in their way such as insecurities and stagnant patterns. It is difficult to break patterns that have been in place for decades. Men may avoid commitment or they may be scared to open up and not believe someone will love them for who they are.
You can normally see someone's future if you look at the patterns of their past.
A man is more likely to put in extra effort if a woman seems valuable to him. The Forever Woman Formula is all about value:
A woman who knows her value doesn’t get taken advantage of.
What is a High-Value Woman [25:18]
Matthew says it is obvious when a woman values herself. He recommends being in a position where men are competing for your love, attention, time, and commitment. He says when most women come to him they are concentrated on just one guy. Something that when gender-flipped, men call it 'one-itis' a disease for being stuck on one person who doesn't like you as much as you like them or isn't reciprocating in the way you want them to.
Live in abundance, meaning being open to dating more than just one man.
#1 Communication Issue for Women [31:14]
Matthew says many women are afraid to communicate what they want because they are scared they don't deserve it, or a man will freak out and run away. But, what women ultimately find is when they do speak their value certain guys run off but others, the high-quality guys step up.
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The Forever Woman: Make Him See You as the Woman He Wants Forever by Matthew Coast
This episode of the Bachelorette features a virgin, a best lover contest, and lots of tongue tennis. Marni and Chris discuss Katie’s questioning style, why it’s important not to rule someone out too soon, and early predictions of the challenges Katie faces this season.
Key takeaways from this episode:
In this episode, Katie played the ‘Best Lover’ game with the guys. Each guy had the opportunity to turn her on and to share an example of how they would be the best lover to her if they had a future together.
Marni and Chris have different views about all of the spit swapping taking place on the show. Marni doesn’t mind watching the intimate moments but Chris thinks the kissing was gross. He says it is equivalent to watching fish in a barrel fighting over food pellets. He leans into the possibility that Greg is a good kisser, but watching the cat guy suck face was more than he could bear. At least, they both agree, that everyone closed their eyes unlike Matt James of the Bachelor.
Doesn’t it seem like these guys are nerdier than past Bachelorette studs of previous seasons?
Katie ended up giving the rose to Mike P., the virgin of the group and the honor of being tagged the greatest lover of all time.
The 3 Date Rule [10:16]
It’s not for everyone, but Katie goes camping with Greg for their first date. Chris and Marni agree it is a long time to spend with someone, especially if red flags appear. But, this is the Bachelorette and not exactly real-life dating.
At Dating with Dignity, the team recommends clients go on three dates before ruling someone out. Everyone deserves a second chance and even if you are not enjoying yourself try using the date to practice and hone your dating skills. Maintain eye contact, practice listening, and be optimistic about the other person.
On the show, Katie brings up her father’s death during the camping trip. Greg's reaction to what she shared was sweet but extremely subtle. Marni thought it was sweet. Chris and the guys watching the show with them thought his reaction meant Greg wasn’t into Katie, saying that the way he pulled back seemed like a red flag. Then later, Greg revealed his Dad also passed, changing Chris’ perception. Maybe Greg didn’t want to cry on camera?
Going on three dates offers a guy the chance to open up and be vulnerable. Remember, there may be stuff below the surface we don't see at first glance.
Questions and Curiosities [29:35]
Marni and Chris discuss the hard interview style Katie used when asking Cody about his character. Marni points out that ‘yes’ and ‘no’ questions only get you ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers. So, say no to the checklist! A better dating strategy is to share a little something about yourself then ask a curious question, such as ‘Do you relate to that at all?’. Open-ended questions will extract more information and make the guy more willing to share his feelings.
Early predictions about Katie on this season of the Bachelorette:
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Marni welcomes body language and presence expert, Rachel Coosar into the Den to learn more about what men are thinking by reading their body language and non-verbal expressions. Rachel is responsible for the Choreography for Business program helping business leaders with performance in extremely high-pressure contexts.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Rachel shares how she uses her superpower of being a body language expert by taking people watching to the next level. She describes the process she uses to know more about the couples she sees in the wild.
She says many people hyperfocus on the face and eye contact but when you can see someone's full body other cues are happening that provide more information.
There are 7 Universal Expressions:
While people-watching, look for these cues to practice the art of reading a person’s body language. Do people lean in toward each other? Are the people relaxed, or are they over-exaggerating their body language trying to make their interest known? Rachel says women tend to use their upper body while men look deep into the woman’s eyes.
Are the non-verbal cues you are exhibiting congruent with how you feel?
How to Align Your Body Language with How You Feel [9:45]
Marni’s leaking theory turns out to be a wider practice done by experts. Unconscious beliefs about ourselves or other people do leak into our conscious life. If we are insecure our insecurities can show up in our non-verbal expressions. and being guarded.
If you are on a date and you are nervous, figure out where it is showing in your body. Are you fiddling with your jewelry, picking your nails, playing with a napkin or glass? Rachel says self-touch is something we can do to soothe ourselves. If you notice yourself fidgeting, express the energy you want by giving yourself some reassurance. Try stroking your arm while mentally noting that all is well.
Myths about reading body language:
If it's not authentic, subconsciously people will notice something is off.
Body Orientation for Better Dating [43:07]
Sitting directly across from the person you are dating is taking an adversarial position. Rachel says if that person is potentially a partner try sitting at the bar so you both are shoulder to shoulder facing inward. Or, if you are at a table, orient your body a little sideways, angled toward the other person. If your intuition makes you angle away from them it could be a red flag.
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Rachel Cossar's Links:
Marni and Chris are back to dish about the newest season of the Bachelorette. Katie Thurston was a contestant on the Matt James Bachelor season and is now in the hot seat and looking for a life-long partner. She is authentic, playful, and #SexPositive. Let’s dive into the dating lessons that came out of the first episode of the new season.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Bachelorette Katie Thurston was on the Matt James Bachelor season. She brought the vibrator to the limo introduction. Know we get to know more about Katie and what she means when she declares herself #SexPositive.
Marni and Chris discuss how #SexPositive means you can do what you want and still feel good about being you. There is still resistance from some groups who hold on to the double standard that men can sleep around but, if a woman does it, she is slutty.
If you sleep with someone on the first date, does it ruin your chances at a long-term relationship?
Marni says when you wake up the next day and you still love yourself no matter what happened the night before, that is #SexPositivity. But, she cautions having sex with someone for the wrong reasons such as you think you will get them, you think that if you don't they will not want to see you again, or you feel shitty afterward, or he doesn't call and you beat yourself up. That is not dating with dignity.
Guys Get Awkward on First Dates Too [11:14]
Chris admits guys get nervous before first dates too. And, it is especially scary for guys to reach over and make the first kiss. He advises giving the guy a break much like Katie did with the guys who were nervous and sweating when meeting her. Remember, it is a produced show with lights, cameras, and crew all standing around. It can be unnerving.
The rule of thumb is to rule people in before you rule people out.
Does Bachelorette Katie Have a Type? [20:19]
At the beginning of the show, Katie says doesn't really have a type and she is open to meeting all types of people but Marni recalls when one of the bachelors got out of the limo Katie said, “OMG, that guy is totally my type.”
Marni questions Chris about possible predictions about Katie’s type based on her backstory and childhood. It was clear she longs to fit in, Chris says. He adds, she might act tough or be secretly sensitive and then asks Marni if she feels Katie is ready to identify, appreciate, and nurture a long-term partner.
Marni likes Katie’s authenticity and playfulness but it is simply too early to tell how she will date. She says we, the audience, had our first date with Katie last night too. Marni speculates that Katie may want someone to fall in love with her because of her desire to belong or she may be interested in the fixer-upper type of guy.
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Marni speaks with an expert in love and intimacy who is known as the queen of juicy love. Stacey Murphy is a recovering perfectionist who helps professional women get out of the competitive self and integrate love, sex, and money into a powerful cocktail.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Both men and women have masculine and feminine energies. As women, it is in our nature to lean more into our feminine and for males to lean more into their masculine. Modern society has conditioned and programmed many women to lean into their masculine in order to further their career aspirations.
Expert, Stacey Murphy says these three things are the top reasons relationships fail:
When we get hunkered down into only seeing things the way we see them and neither partner wants to budge, but we still want to be in a relationship with our partner it can cause incompatibility. To overcome this, Stacey recommends trying to understand the other person’s nature versus their nurture.
The need to be right. It can prevent us from hearing the truth. When we come from a place of unhealed wounds, we can be anchored in our beliefs but it may not be our true nature.
As a woman are you in your feminine power, or your nature? Are you reacting to your conditioning, programming, or environment? Or, are you in your true nature?
Lead with Your Strengths [17:21]
It may be a generalization, but men view money as a stepping stone to get them to the next part or phase of life. Men gamble with money more, they invest it differently and they have a different attitude about the role money plays in their life.
Many women view money from the viewpoint of safety and security. They want to hold on to it. Stacey advises women not to hoard their money or hold on to it because the scarcity mentality can cause strife in a relationship.
Professional women, earn whatever you want to earn just be careful not to emasculate your partner if you earn more money. Because it can torpedo your relationship toward incompatibility and money issues.
Relationships are about collaboration, not competition.
The 4 Pillars of Love [17:21]
Stacey explains how the four pillars of love connect to the man code formula and the secret to understanding men. And, how women can match themselves to a man.
The four pillars of love are:
Just like the four legs of a chair, the ‘legs’ of a relationship can be a little off-balance or off-kilter, but if one leg is broken the chair or relationship will fall.
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Marni speaks with an expert in love and worthiness, former Miss USA, Terri Britt. Terri is a spiritual coach who works with women to increase their worthiness quotient. She is an award-winning author of the book, The Enlightened Mom and offers Dating Den listeners a free ebook.
Key takeaways from this episode:
As children, we closely observe our parents, and we mimic them. Most parents unknowingly use statements that make children feel not enough. Statements such as, in order to get that you must do this. Children then subconsciously take on the belief they are not enough. We grow up believing we have to prove our worth.
Terri shares her journey through relationships and love. She dated Wayne Newton at the height of his career and gave him power over her because she was grasping for love. After her personal transformation, when she finally took a stand for loving herself and clearing out old energy, she saw all the reasons he was bad for her.
Marni makes the point that when we start to do the inside work, all of our exes seem to come back into our lives. It’s a kind of litmus test where we have to make better choices for ourselves. The unhealthy dynamic is gone and we can see how much we have developed personally.
Our spirits are here to go on a journey. People come into our lives to show us things we need to learn.
Raising Vibrations & Worthiness [21:04]
Terri says our thoughts emit vibrations. Whatever vibrations we hold are what the universe sends us in return. It is what we attract. Terri wanted passion in her life so she kept holding the vision, even though she didn’t know how it would manifest.
If we want to feel worthy, we have to love and nurture ourselves. We have to get rid of the belief that something is wrong with us.
Terri says women tend to grasp at trying to find a person to be in our lives. They put up a facade because we do not feel enough. But, she adds, we are missing the boat because we are energetically sending out that who we are is not enough. We send mixed vibrations out into the world. If we perform, believing we need to act a certain way to be worthy of love, we attract things that are not loving, supportive, nurturing, or beautiful.
When you stop performing, you take back the authority of your life and you become a woman leader.
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