Marni and Chris put the relationships of the contestants on reality series, Love Island, under the microscope to see how their interpersonal dynamics mimic dating IRL. Diving into questions like how to recognize a real connection, and what dating etiquette dictates, the duo ponders the meaning of love in the 21st century. Much of the way in which the contestants behave towards each other on the series is an imitation of our own actions when we’re falling for someone, or trying to suss them out. It’s about knowing when and how to let go; and whether or not the person in front of you is actually interested. Defining the context of your relationship seems relatively easy in theory, but when feelings are involved, things inevitably get a little messy. And nowhere is that more apparent than on Love Island.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to earn back trust
- Have appropriate expectations
- Beware of the self-fulling prophecy
- Should you forgive him?
- Don’t shut down
- Have the exclusivity conversation
But I Thought We Had a Connection… [02:56]
Dating is, for the most part, all about figuring out what you want and how the person in front of you is responding to those wants. Is it reciprocated? And if it is, what actually is it? A lot of us fall into the trap where we feel a connection with someone, and then realize the other person is out there dating while we’ve decided to give them all of our attention. At that point, we start second-guessing whether the connection was real.
But at the end of the day, having the conversations that matter are what will guide you in the right direction. When you’ve not discussed being exclusive, or if it’s early on in the relationship, that’s when the lines sometimes get blurry. That’s not to say that the person in front of you is a bad person or doesn’t care. And that’s also not to say that you should invalidate your own feelings. What’s important is looking at the intention behind that person’s action; it’s figuring out why you felt hurt by a particular behavior, and get clear on what that means for you. Because it’s then that you’re able to understand the context and the nature of that relationship, and what boundaries should or shouldn’t be set.
Instead of the rules of the game, I like to say the context of the world that dating is. It’s a culture in and of itself.
Dating can be messy, and it has its own set of etiquette that’s different from relationship etiquette. While Cassie and Claudia had a connection on the series, they went into Casa Amor with the understanding that they would see what happens. Meanwhile Cassie flirted and kissed someone else. But does that mean their connection wasn’t real?
While some women might feel uncomfortable going on different dates with other people when they’ve felt a connection with a person; it doesn’t necessarily mean that if the person doesn’t follow suit, that they don’t care. What’s more is that it’s important to go on dates with different people, because it’s a learning curve. It’s a chance for you to find out what it is you want (or don’t want) in your own relationship. And it is possible to have several connections with several people. But the goal is that you’re searching for the best kind. And when you limit yourself, you end up missing out on understanding what you actually need and what works best for you.
It’s about taking the time to see those through, and figuring out which is the best connection for your actual relational needs: your intimacy, your emotions, your mind. Because not all men are going to meet all those requirements. And that’s why we have non-negotiables.
Every Little Thing That We Do, Should be Between Me and You [12:40]
Dating according to what other people expect from you is not only exhausting for you but for your partner as well. A lot of the time, we somehow become more concerned with what the people around us think of our relationship, and how being with that certain person will reflect on us, rather than how we feel about the relationship itself. It’s that energy where you’re more interested in what your parents, your friends and your general environment think of your relationship.
Chris emphasizes that men, for the most part, already find dating confusing, without having to bring outsiders into the mix as well. It inevitably complicates things.
We can’t solve one side of the rubik’s cube, don’t be a million-sided rubik’s cube.
And this happens in the dating world, where you’re not just dating your partner but a whole other set of people who indirectly dictate how you’ll act and react within the confines of the relationship. You could end up missing out on something potentially great if you don’t learn to tune out all the white noise.
In The Doghouse [20:46]
A lot of people are guilty of this behavior where they’ll get hurt and just shut down. And rather than talking to their partner, they’ll end up withholding and stone-walling the person in front of them
It’s an easy pattern to fall into. It’s almost like they’re punishing the person for their behavior, and then waiting for them to come back with a grand gesture that proves how much they actually want them. Rather than just confronting the person.
It’s so easy. It’s important to acknowledge that’s the safe place, we go down-under, we dive out so that we’re protected, and it’s silent, it kind of clears out the noise, and it’s a temporary respite from that scariness.
Most of the time it’s because you need clarity on the relationship. It’s more important though to be honest with yourself, and dissect what you felt when XYZ happened and why you felt it. And communicate it to the person involved.
Will was a great example of the knight in shining armor who realized he’d hurt his partner, and wanted to make it right. On the other hand, his partner did verbalize her feelings without necessarily adding blame. However, you choose to communicate your feelings in that situation though, it’s important to resolve the issue before diving back in.
To just feel the chemistry or that pull with someone without dealing with the core issue is why we end up getting in these ruts over and over again.
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Marni welcomes Whitney Goodman, the psychotherapist behind the widely popular Instagram account Sit With Whit, to look into why toxic positivity should be dismantled and what methods should be put into place instead. Having just released her debut book, Toxic Positivity: Keeping it Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy, Whitney breaks down the psychology behind toxic positivity and society’s need to constantly be happy. The duo discusses how learning to speak to yourself or someone going through a challenging situation is one of the first steps to pulling apart this constant need to be in a good place. In allowing ourselves to feel what we feel, even when it’s negative, we begin to live authentically. A life well-lived is not one without suffering or pain, contrary to popular belief.
Takeaways from this episode:
- What are empathy blockers?
- Validation is key
- Why do we always feel the need to look on the bright side?
- Happiness isn’t a destination
- How to eliminate toxic positivity
- Throw out the positive platitudes
Learn to Sit With the Discomfort [02:26]
Our go-to when we’re feeling down or when someone we love is hurting is to immediately try and fix the situation by convincing ourselves or them to look on the bright side. It’s something that’s done, almost as a reflex both internally and within our relationships. And it can be toxic.
It’s this notion of wanting to get back to that happy place, rather than actually feel what we’re feeling. And it’s that foundational belief that drives us to immediately force ourselves to look at the positives or minimize whatever it is that’s bothering us. Enter toxic positivity.
I think that’s what drives most of the toxic positivity. It’s that ‘I want to be helpful; I want to help the other person feel better, and I want to get out of this uncomfortable space.’ We have to learn to sit with discomfort.
Whitney iterates that for the most part, a person going through something just wants their partner, or their friend to be with them in their experience, and let them know that they’re not going anywhere. Letting the person in front of you know that you’ve got their back, and that they don’t have to go through it alone is ultimately what matters. But as a society, we need to learn to be okay with not being okay sometimes. It’s understanding that life is about living meaningfully, which comes with feelings of sadness or angst at certain points. It’s not about being happy 24/7.
The Road to Toxic Positivity is Paved With Good Intentions [ 09:49]
While most of us revert to (toxic) positivity with good intentions, the damages are palpable. Repeating these positive platitudes that we’ve all grown accustomed to hearing and giving is not necessarily what a person going through a rough time is looking for. It’s important rather to validate the difficulty of the situation, and try to understand how that person feels. Asking how they want you to show up for them goes a long way, and that’s bearing in mind that sometimes they won’t necessarily have the answer themselves. And that’s okay, too.
These positive statements that we’re constantly saying on loop, are not necessarily negative in and of themselves, but it’s in relation to the context and the timing in which they’re being said. Because hearing “it’ll turn out okay”, or “everything happens for a reason” when you’re going through a bout of depression, or struggling with feelings of grief, won’t make a difference when it comes to the weight you currently feel like you’re carrying on your shoulders.
How to Show up [18:50]
When your partner or someone you love is going through a challenge, they sometimes can’t verbalize their needs at that particular moment, simply because they don’t know what they want or what would alleviate the situation. It’s something we’ve all felt at one point or another. Asking too many questions can be aggravating when you don’t even have the answer to one. So, how do you show up for them in the way you’re supposed to?
In these instances, Whitney explains that it’s important to regulate yourself and your reaction. Rather than think, ‘I’ve done this exactly the way I’m supposed to, why isn’t it working?”, remind yourself that it isn’t about you. The person in front of you is the one feeling dysregulated.
Take a step back and understand that people are allowed to feel their feelings, and in whichever way suits them. And that applies to you, too. It’s this concept of allowing the person to be where they are in that moment. And reminding yourself that it’s got nothing to do with you.
You taking care of you when someone is not feeling great is just as important as you not trying to silver-line it or make them feel better. Control the things you can control.
This is especially the case in relationships, when one partner comes home and has just had a bad day, and their spouse immediately goes into “fix it” mode, then gets upset when they don’t manage to actually fix it. Sometimes, your partner is just having a bad day because they are. And we’re all allowed to have moments when we’re in a bad mood, or just not feeling the day. That’s life.
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Marni and Chris examine the dynamics in the relationships that make up the reality series, Love Island, to get a grasp on the faux-pas when it comes to dating. Dissecting the little tricks that we all do when out in the dating world, the duo ponders questions of love, betrayal, conflict and loyalty. Much of the way in which the contestants behave on the series is mimicked in our own behavior IRL. The insecurities that rear their heads just as soon as we’ve started to get comfortable with someone or the constant worry of whether or not we should trust him, are some of the questions that keep us all up at night when falling in love. How the contestants on Love Island interact with each other is a treasure trove of lessons as to the dos and don’ts in our own dating lives.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Be aloof, but not too aloof
- How to hit that spot between sexy and sweet
- Don’t compare him to your ex
- How does he handle an issue?
- How to deal with conflict
- Vulnerability is never easy
Does Making Him Jealous Actually Work? [01:50]
We’ve all been there at one point or other; hurt and ready for retaliation. The go-to move for a lot of women is to make him jealous. But does that tactic actually work? Perhaps sometimes but for all the wrong reasons. It is a strategy of manipulation, jealousy and insecurity.
When discussing the jealousy tactic, Marni brings up Cassie, whom Lana uses to make Ron jealous. But to what end? The thing is with that particular tactic, other than the obvious unethicality of using someone else as a means to an end, is that the issues that made you break-up in the first place aren’t resolved. Making him jealous won’t make him treat you better the second time around.
However, answering the questions that made you resort to that strategy in the first place might: Why aren’t you together? Why didn’t he treat you right from the beginning? Do you really want to be with someone who only appreciates you when you’re with someone else?
Don’t Bring Your Girls Into It [11:00]
Dragging your girlfriends or a friend into a conflict that you have with your partner is never a good idea. Not only will it seem like you’re ganging up on him but it’s also quite hurtful.
Referring to the example of Tanya and Shaq, where Tanya calls in her friend as she confronts him, Chris clarifies that that type of behavior, albeit prone to happen, is not acceptable. What happens in this scenario is that Shaq then goes on to tell Tanya never to put him in this type of situation again. Tanya in turn takes this as a sign of Shaq restricting the way she chooses to communicate. But was Shaq actually in the wrong?
There really is never a reason to criticize or correct your mate in front of a third party. It’s more effective to pull him aside.
Rather than put him on blast, it makes more sense to confront him privately and not corner him. It’s just in bad taste and won’t resolve the issue. While Shaq in this situation did a good job of setting the tone, it could’ve been articulated better. He wasn’t precise about the part that actually hurt him, which was Tanya calling him out in front of other people. And it’s a common mistake, we all get into situations where we’re unable to express ourselves in the exact manner we’d like to.
Russian Roulette But Make it Vulnerability [16:45]
Being vulnerable is scary; it’s hard; and it’s stressful. You’re required to put your insecurities out there and hope that the person in front of you is able to hold them, or at the very least, not run for the hills. And actually, crossing that line where we end up putting ourselves out there, while liberating, can sometimes make us act out of character.
Marni mentions Will and Jessie’s relationship in that it was going smoothly, but then once they made it to Casa Amor, it seemed like Will was leaning towards exploring his options. These were two people who shared their vulnerabilities with each other. And yet…
We get into a relationship and we’re afraid of getting hurt. We’re afraid of overextending. We’re sharing our vulnerability.
We’re all imperfect human beings carrying a load of insecurities and fears. And the more we let someone in, the easier it is to panic. Questions like have they deleted their dating apps? Do I love them more than they love me? start infiltrating our psyche.
I always want people to look at the energy he’s sort of bringing and meet their energy.
Whether he’s the serious type or not, believe his actions, believe his energy. And once you’ve figured that out, check in with yourself and from there decide what you should do.
I think that if someone likes you more than you like them, you want to check in with yourself and really figure out what’s either in the way or what you need to do to get on the same page.
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Marni welcomes Dr. Shawn Haywood, founder and owner of Reimagine Love, in the Life Check Yourself studio, to discuss how to reignite the spark, and adopt a conflict-free relationship. Dr. Shawn, who’s worked in the field for over 23 years, delves into the tools and tips for learning to reverse-engineer your relationship and get back to that happy place. In this episode, the duo talks about what it takes to make a relationship work and how we, sometimes, self-sabotage by constantly repeating the same patterns on an individual level. This behavior inevitably seeps into our romantic life. By setting up certain systems with your partner, to undo what years of unconscious habit-building have brought on, couples can find that fight-free space together.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to break bad habits
- Create your own unique system
- Start a problem list
- How to reconnect when you’re disconnecting
- Let go of blame
- Don’t manage conflict, outgrow it
Lay Down Your Emotional Weapons [03:32]
It’s not about managing the conflict; it’s about outgrowing it both on an individual level and as a couple. Outgrowing it doesn’t mean ignoring it, or overwriting it, or even putting it in your hidden little black box. It requires you to actually identify and grow out of it. By putting your weapons, in this case emotional weapons, aside, you begin to grow within the relationship.
Dr.Shawn clarifies that 80% of the work she does with couples begins with the person themselves. Identifying your emotional weapons, and what triggers them, and then putting them down, opens up room for you to not only to communicate better, but to pick up other skills you otherwise wouldn’t have.
Sharing a personal anecdote, the doctor talks about an incident when her partner had done the dishes but hadn’t cleaned out the sink. Instead of thanking him for the dishes, she shamed him, and the fight went on to spiral into an argument about other issues. In this scenario, her emotional weapon was shame – one we’ve all been guilty of doling out at one point or another. Learning to put that down meant that she grew to become more appreciative and grateful for the things that were actually there. In outgrowing the conflict, you’re also growing on an internal level.
These things are patterns, and if we don’t repair them or revise how we hold these conflicts, we’ll just keep repeating them. And it’s repetition that causes the problems.
With relationships, it’s just as important to look inwards as it is to look outwards. Identifying and getting out of your own patterns allows you to shift your outlook. Every fight has blame, and letting go of that blame is a good starting point. Take accountability and realize it’s not about blame but rather about resolution.
Stop Trying Harder [ 11:01]
Yup, this isn’t a typo. Stop.Trying.Harder. Practice makes perfect is a sentence that has been repeated to us over and over again. We were constantly told that in order to achieve something, we need to keep trying harder, and harder, and harder.
But does that always work? And does practice actually make perfect? Or rather does it allow us to make certain traits or mistakes more permanent?
The concept of practice makes permanent, as per Dr.Shawn, stems from the belief that repeating the same thing over and over again, even when it’s a mistake, makes it stick; makes it permanent. It’s almost like we’ve mastered that mistake or that character trait. And that’s part of the reason, we find it so hard to break out of habits.
From a neurological perspective, anger elicits the release of a number of chemicals, like dopamine, serotonin and adrenaline. Our bodies then crave that release constantly. Unless we learn how to manage these chemicals and unwire them from these negative emotions or behaviors, we start forming a pattern in chase of that “feeling.”
Our brain is designed for sameness, because [staying the same] uses the least amount of energy.
Women in society, especially perfectionists and high-achieving women, have been socialized into believing that the solution is to constantly try harder at the same thing. However, that tactic is in some cases counterproductive and holds us back. Being intentional in the habits we want to keep requires intentionality and repetition; it requires setting up systems that help us achieve that goal whether that’s to add permanence to a certain trait or decrease permanence to another one.
[With a system], we have something that we can count on so that our body, mind and spirit can get out of this trap, this pattern that we stay in.
Catching More Flies With Honey, Not Vinegar [18:27]
Sometimes it’s the medium not the message. That’s to say the way with which you present an idea or concept goes a long way. When setting up systems as a couple, it’s important for both involved to be on the same wavelength in terms of the effort being put in. When one person is intentionally growing, while the other isn’t doing the work, the process starts stagnating and even veering towards a trouble zone. But who can you convince your partner?
Men respond to logic. If what’s being told to them makes sense, and is framed as more of an invitation rather than a demand, they’re more likely to be on board.
There has to be an opportunity that is more about an invitation to join the party, whatever the party is. Doing it in a way that’s inviting and loving is all about radical self-responsibility.
Radical self-responsibility is the notion of taking accountability in how you choose to experience your life, and that extends to how you choose to approach your partner as well.
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Marni and Chris look at the relationships and friendships that define the reality series, Love is Blind, to better understand our own behavior on the dating scene. The contestants on the series are archetypes of dating that we are prone to meet when out in the world on our quest to find love. What are the tell-tale signs of the man who’ll break your heart? Is the mysterious type so attractive? And how can you pick up on the warning signs before walking into yet another train wreck? The duo ponders over the do’s and don’ts of coupling up, and what the traits we should be looking out for by taking a deep-dive into the contestants most obnoxious and most loveable characteristics.
Takeaways from this episode:
- He’s not straightforward
- How to tell if he’s an F-boy
- Does he act the same with everyone else?
- Don’t dismiss the goofball
- What are Boomerang boys?
- How to tell if he’s actually a good listener
Are You Actually Seen or Is He Just That Good? [06:50]
We’ve all been duped by an F-boy. We know the type: when you’re with him, it almost seems like you’re the only one he has eyes for; his attention is undivided; and he knows just what to say and how to look at you. Enter Love is Blind contestant, Tom.
Tom says all the right things (on a superficial level) and looks at you in a way that makes your heart melt. He has a knack for making all the women on the series feel valued, at first glance. But is he actually giving anything of himself?
Chris argues that Tom never actually reveals anything of himself, going so far as to say that he’s actually the opposite of what the women perceive him to be. He’s the archetype of the man who knows how to make you feel seen and heard, without ever actually seeing or hearing you. What he’s said to you is most likely what he’s saying to other women in his life.
He says so little, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s a great listener. And, if he talks so little, it doesn’t mean that he’s the strong silent type. It could mean that he’s giving so little because he’s afraid to be seen. Because if you find out who he really is, you won’t like him.
Tom keeps reeling you in without ever really giving you anything of substance. Sound familiar? Then you’ve probably been with a Tom. When he makes you feel like you’re his favorite and yet it seems like everyone else around is his favorite, too, it’s time to cut him loose. Or don’t, that’s up to you. The point is, it’s an archetype we’ve run into over and over again on our dating adventures, and maybe it’s time to switch it up, and go for the nice guy.
He wants to be the most popular boy in the room.
What Kind of A Friend Is He? [20:55]
From the get-go, Will comes off as a goofball on the series, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But at first encounter, the goofy type tends to be a turn-off, or written off. However, as the series progresses, it turns out that the goofy types are sometimes also the stand-up guys. But how can you tell?
Hint: look at how he treats his friends.
Marni points out that Will is not only a good friend to the women on the show, but to his guy friends as well. He’s not someone who plays games. He’s loyal, upfront and available. Looking at someone’s behavior with the people in their environment is a good indicator of their character. Chances are if he treats the people around him with respect and value, he’ll extend that same behavior to you.
Not only do the bros like him, but all the people do. And it’s not because he’s supplicating, but he’s there for people, and he’s genuine, and he’s honest.
The contestants on the show may not all want to date Will, but they trust him and they open up to him because he’s genuine and honest. So, keep your eyes peeled for the ones who treat people well even if they don’t have all the traits that make them the “It” boys. But traits like honesty, and loyalty are the ones that get you to the finish line when it really counts.
The One Who Keep His Options Open [26:25]
What are the boomerang boys? Well, they’re the ones who have one foot in the door and one out. They’re unclear. Instead of walking away, they come back, snog you some more, and then head back out again, as put by Marni, and coined by Chris.
When discussing the concept, Marni points out that while some women may put their foot down, a vast majority will give that type of man space in the hopes that he will make up his mind. But what makes these men so irresistible?
That archetype is best exemplified in Kai and Ron. Ron, who is blind in one eye, seems to emanate confidence and ease wherever he goes. Taking something that may seem like an imperfection, he almost turns it into a strength and he does so, charismatically. It’s something in the way that he carries himself. However, that doesn’t change that, that perceived comfortability could actually be a form of cockiness where he expects that he’ll always have options. And in turn, he’s unbothered with making up his mind over who to choose.
Marni adds that he’s someone who doesn’t divulge his feelings or open up, even though he likes Lana. He’ll tell her that he’s making her a priority or speak about the spark they have between them, but hasn’t come out and said how he actually feels about her.
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Marni welcomes Matthew Coast, author and dating expert, to ponder what makes men tick, and how you can attract the right men without compromising on your value system. Matthew has worked with both men and women to guide them on their dating journey. With a podcast that reaches millions of listeners, Mathew helps women shift their mindset to attract a high-quality man and high-value relationship. In this episode, the pair talk about what it means to know your value, and how to convey that. How your partner reacts to you is an indicator of his character, and his character is a good sign as to how this relationship will grow (or not grow). So, what is it that resonates with men? And how can you assert your value?
Takeaways from this episode:
- It’s about your mindset
- Be Direct
- How to be valued by your partner
- What drives him wild?
- Don’t obsess over your checklist
- His character is a good indicator
Your Clothes Don’t Need to be Gucci, as Long as Your Mindset is [02:15]
It all begins with the mindset. It’s not about what’s happening on the outside, but about what’s happening on the inside. Matthew speaks of the law of belief transference, which essentially stipulates that the person with the strongest belief will most likely transfer it to the people around them. That is, if you want to be respected and valued by a man, then you need to truly respect and value yourself.
The problem is if you don’t actually value yourself. So, what you want to think about is, ‘Do I value my own voice? Do I think what I have to say is important?
Once you shift your mindset to one that gives importance to how you value yourself, that feeling is mimicked in your external behavior. Being aware of how you value your time and your entire being, will push you to have the conversations that matter. Don’t shy away from confronting him if it’s about something that’s important to you.
Ultimately how he reacts once you voice your grievances is indicative of his character. And his character is a good sign of whether or not this will blossom into the relationship you want. If he’s someone who cares, he’ll listen and accommodate your feelings. If not, then….
Break Out From the Crowd [07:47]
Chances are if you’re in the early stages of dating, he’s been on a few other dates and had a few painful experiences. Some dates honestly feel more like interviews than what they’re actually meant to be, a fun night out where you get to connect with another human being.
Matthew explains that a lot of women come to him and they’re in a different emotional state. That is, one which is relatively extreme, where rather than go out on a date and enjoy it, they’ll interrogate their date to get an idea if this person matches their checklist. Going into something with a fun and exciting attitude with an intent to connect and see where it goes, is what will make you stand out from all his other dates. And that’s not to say that you shouldn’t be yourself but yourself is that fun, excited woman who is as happy to be on that date as he is.
Be the person you want to attract.
Voice Your Permission [11:20]
A lot of us struggle with the right way to approach a man, and whether or not we’re meant to give him straight-up permission rather than those little hints we’ve been throwing for the past month. Well, they’re as confused as we are.
Women are really good at giving hints, and guys are really bad at receiving them.
In the current climate, men aren’t always quite sure what line they’re allowed to cross and which ones they aren’t. It’s a mixture of confusion, frustration and fear in terms of what they can and can’t do. And it’s based on your permission. If you haven’t given it explicitly, sometimes things get lost in translation. That’s not to say that you need to make the first move, if you don’t want to. But extending an invitation and letting him then take the reins, clears up a lot of misconceptions and avoids time wasted. Being direct is empowering.
A lot of times, women will shut off when the person in front of them hasn’t gotten the hint. And what tends to happen as humans, according to Matthew, is that we jump to extremes because it’s easier to do so, rather than explore the middle. These extremes are where most of the problems happen, though.
The magic is almost always in the middle.
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Marni welcomes Bobbi Palmer in the Life Check Yourself studio, where they delve into the journey (read: trek) that is relationships, and love. The duo look at the little self-sabotaging traps we all find ourselves in and what we can learn from them. Bobbi is the founder of Date Like a Grownup. She’s a mentor and dating coach, who’s been helping women understand themselves and their dating patterns for the past 15 years. She was a first-time bride at 47 who found her happy-ever-after at an unconventional age. In this episode, Marni and Bobbi discuss how women create patterns that they keep returning to over and over again. These detrimental patterns then turn into the cycles that go on to define their relationship behavior and their general outlook on love. Bobbi encourages women to look inwards even when the fear of rejection and failure stares back at you.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to break the cycle
- It takes courage
- Visualize what you want, it’s out there
- Tip the balance
- Why do you have trust issues?
- Look inwards to break the patterns
It’s Not You, It’s Your Pattern [03:50]
Bobbi explains that most of us create patterns, perhaps without even realizing it. As we continuously repeat them, even though they’re yielding negative results, we end up feeling hopeless and shift the blame onto ourselves when things don’t work out the way we envisioned them. This notion of “there’s something wrong with me” is the story we’ve told ourselves because we’ve been unable to break free of our patterns. And as we get older, we get stuck in the destructive cycle. You are the one creating these patterns, and they, in turn, are creating your results.
Understanding them and looking inwards is the first step, and it takes fearlessness to be conscious of the thought process or behavior holding you back when it comes to dating. But it does start with you.
Finding your partner as you go through life becomes more about courage rather than how many men there are in your age range, or whether or not you’re still in shape or what app you use.
Are You Afraid of … (Fill in the Blank) [06:10]
A lot of the time, we prefer not even trying rather than attempting and failing. It’s a trap that many of us fall into where we hold on to the mantra of all men suck, or I want to be single. Because if it’s a choice we’re making, rather than an imposition, it somehow makes it okay.
This is a form of self-protection born of a fear of rejection, failure and perhaps repeating the same mistakes again. We’ve all been through an iteration of this. Bobbi elaborates on how we should look at it, where it’s almost like a balance between all the fear that’s holding us back set up against the vision we have of what a loving relationship looks like. And for a lot of us, we have trouble with the second part of the balance, because we’ve never been in such a relationship and envisioning it is difficult.
There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s just some things you don’t yet know.
Once the balance tips more towards the other side, the dream of what a relationship looks like for you, that’s when it’s time to take action, bearing in mind that it’s not always going to be 100% in par with your vision. And that’s okay, too.
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