On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss Matt’s latest lackluster performance. Creating connection requires warmth and he is cool as a cucumber. They also make their predictions of who will be the frontrunner in this dating contest. And, Marni extracts dating advice for your real-life scenarios.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Serena didn’t put herself, or Matt, at any risk of being emotional when she asked Matt about the Maple Leafs. The first time we saw this on the show was during the yoga date. Intimacy may not be her thing. But, kudos to her when she realizes Matt is not her person she excuses herself from the contest.
Marni wants to applaud her for telling Matt it wasn't going to work and she is not ready. During the telephone call with her mother, her mom said, ‘that last relationship really did a number on you didn’t it?’ If Serena is still wounded from her last relationship it could be what is holding her back from forging a connection.
Chris asks Marni how a woman knows that she is ready to date again after a gnarly breakup?
If you think you are ready try dating again if old stuff bubbles up, take another pause from dating. We all have baggage, it is OK.
Amy Cuddy, a Social Psychologist who studies body language says that there are two things people evaluate unconsciously: warmth and confidence. We try to figure out if the other person is trustworthy.
It made Marni think of Matt. Because he is not warm on the show and he does not show up as empowered or confident. Those are the three principles to creating connection with people.
Is there is a gap between who you are and who you think you are supposed to be when dating?
Lead with warmth, follow with confidence!
Bri opens up to Matt and says 'I love you', his response is ‘thank you for sharing’. That is his go-to phrase and Marni wanted to slap him for it. He seems really insincere that he says that as a response every time a girl gets vulnerable.
So, who do Marni and Chris think is the frontrunner after this past episode of the show? Both believe Matt will pick Rachel because during their date he said ‘I think I am falling in love with you.’
Data shows when two people experience the same thing for the first time together it creates intimacy.
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Marni welcomes the inspirational author of several books, including his newest, How Our Greatest Fear Becomes Our Greatest Gift: The Beauty of What Remains, Rabbi Steve Leder. Rabbi Steve gets to the heart of what is truly valuable in life. He also dispels common myths we have about death and dying,
Key takeaways from this episode:
Rabbi Steve shares examples of questions from his congregation with regards to life and death. His advice, he says, is always the same. In death as in life. There is a myth we carry that death changes everything, or that impending death can erase dysfunctional tendencies. He feels obligated to manage members' expectations and let them know that people tend to die exactly the way they live.
He says dying doesn't give anyone a new personality. Death changes everything and death changes nothing. If you have a tortured relationship with someone in life you are likely to feel relieved, not guilt when they die.
It is cognitive dissonance. It is irreconcilable. And making peace with the fact that something can not be reconciled, is in itself a reconciliation. It is a resolution. An additional step, is you can interrupt the intergenerational transmission of the dysfunction - it's soothing to the soul by asking yourself ‘what is the legacy you want to leave?’.
Rabbi Steve shares what he calls ‘the dirty little COVID secret’. It is that in some ways, COVID has made our lives better.
He uses his life as an example. His life was unsustainable. He, like many other people, fell prey to the belief that a busy life was a meaningful life. The changes that were brought on to thwart the pandemic forced people to spend more time at home and build better relationships.
The silver lining of the pandemic is that people don't have to wear uncomfortable clothes or spend time with people they don't care about at work.
Rabbi Steve says, there is always a blessing in the darkness. If you have to go through hell, don't come out of it empty-handed.
About the losses Rabbi Steve says, we all have lost our sense of invulnerability. We now realize how vulnerable we are. We have lost freedom, opportunities, and worst of all, we have lost the fundamental human need to hold and be held by the people we love.
There is no reason to feel guilty that your life is more beautiful as a result of a painful experience.
Death is the Great Teacher of Life [28:28]
In the end, no one wants your physical crap. People spend so much of their lives working hard to make money to buy things and collect things that at the end of our lives, nobody wants. Goodwill won't even take half of your old stuff.
Believing that our outer material life is our inner life or is a spiritual life is like trying to eat a picture of food. It won't nourish you. It's a mistake we are encouraged to make all day every day.
Marni asks Rabbi Steve how people can realign with what is important. He responds, one simple way is to walk through the cemetery and read the headstones. Even though we are all unique and different, the inscription headstones are mostly the same. You have to strip away all the nonsense when you are inscribing someone's headstone. Family is listed on the headstone, not your zip code, not your salary, and not your resume. What matters is the quality of relationships with a tiny handful of people who really matter.
Ask yourself, are you leading a meaningful life?
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On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss why Matt James is finally making some decisions and releasing girls from the show. Did the producers prompt him, or have the girls finally had it with his indecision? Marni extracts the best real-life dating nuggets from this manufactured environment and shares them with us.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Did the producers give Matt a strong talking to or were the women so tired of his breadcrumbs they forced his hand? He went from constantly kicking the can down the road to making some clear choices and kicked some ladies out. Chris thinks the producers prodded him to make choices.
Marni applauds Kit, Abby, and Bri for being vulnerable and practicing good dating skills. Both girls shared something major from their lives and instead of being interested and sharing something from his own life, Matt replies with “thanks for sharing”. Bleh.
Matt further proves himself to just be a f*c#boy by moving his hand up the girls’ legs as he pseudo-listens to them being vulnerable.
All Matt shows is a hollow shell of a personality.
Bri Quits Her Job & a Series of Bad Dates [14:40]
Did Bri quit her job to become an Instagram influencer or to be closer to Matt? Chris says when a girl says something like that it is best not to respond. Maybe, she was taking the temperature of his interest in her? But, ladies, have a conversation with a guy before you move your home or quit your job for him.
Perfect is not sexy.
Marni points out the dates that appeared to be great for both Matt and his date but then he lets her go from the show. It’s easy for women to get confused with this type of behavior. And, then he gives a rose to an emotionally unavailable girl who didn’t enjoy a date at all. Ladies, if you experience this in real life, don’t take it personally. You don’t really want to date a Matt James type anyway.
Piper put herself out there and shared her true feelings with Matt. He said ‘thanks for sharing’ which gave her a bit of validation but then paid little to no attention to her after. Piper says she felt crushed by his actions and went into victim mode.
Marni says if something like this happens to you, it is okay to be crushed for a moment but then step back and realize you are lovable and worthy. You and that guy just weren't a match. Keep putting your heart out there. Because the right guy will appreciate it.
If you are dating someone whose actions don’t match their words, move on.
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Marni welcomes Host of the Tasty Kitchen and Founder of The Well-Traveled Palate Program, Natasha Ho into the Den to discuss cooking up connections in the kitchen.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Natasha says she seduced her husband with food. They bonded over the lunches she brought him as part of their courtship process. Being able to cook and care for someone is associated with the feminine. It is a turn-on for a man to be with a woman who can care for them in that way.
Many women don’t take care of themselves when it comes to cooking. For one, cooking is not just about caring for someone else it's also about how you nurture and love yourself.
3-steps to creating connection in the kitchen:
Eating is an opportunity to bring joy and connection when you do it with someone else. It's a great opportunity for you both to get in the kitchen. Natasha says that cooking together can take the pressure off of just one person. Collaborating in the kitchen is a great opportunity to let your guard down and be playful. Get your hands dirty together.
Not sure what to cook? Consider the amount of time a recipe takes. Look for recipes that can be completed in under an hour and have a limited amount of steps like stir fry, paella, or one-pot dishes.
During the pandemic, consider virtual cooking dates. Choose a place or culture and explore it through food. It's about being open and trying something new.
Taking Care of Yourself [25:29]
A big misconception is that cooking healthily means only having broccoli and chicken breast. There are plenty of colorful vegetables and luscious salad ingredients that taste great when spiced or cooked differently. Educate yourself on one new ingredient a month and try using it in a dish you have never made before.
Marni reminds us that we may have limiting beliefs about our cooking abilities that could be holding us back from finding joy in the kitchen. Consider changing your story around food and health.
It is OK if a meal doesn't come out great the first time. It is all about learning and cooking together.
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The Well-Traveled Palate Program with Natasha Ho
Join Natasha's free Facebook group Travel & Feast for more cooking ideas & tips: www.facebook.com/groups/travelandfeast
On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris give Bachelor Matt James the one-two punch. He is leading the girls on creating a false sense of intimacy with them but then only makes a play for the emotionally unavailable ladies. Marni points out the pink and red flags she sees on the show and offers advice on how to spot them in your dating life.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Some of the ladies seem to have forgotten that this experience is essentially a ‘dating’ game. It appears they are overcompensating for their limiting beliefs about what they deserve. Many believe if they get sent home it is a reflection of their self-worth or value.
In reality, it doesn't matter how awesome you are, if there is something that isn't working you may not be maximizing your opportunities. The women who will make it to the end are the ones who don't make mistakes because it is a competition.
Never feel like you were not enough for someone. You may not be the person for them but you ARE enough.
Chris asks Marni about the process of shaking off rejection. Understanding that some ladies are just naturally emotional, Marni says, “If you are the puddle on the floor person it is important to start looking at your patterns. Do you give all your power away to men all the time? Consider the core beliefs creating your feelings of not-enoughness. Do you have abandonment issues?”
You are enough!
So Many Pink and Red Flags on the Bachelor [17:47]
During the show, Heather does a pizza box dance. Her makeup was perfect. Chris says she was putting on a show just for the camera and the audience. Matt immediately gave the cold shoulder to the girls he was talking to and only paid attention to Heather. His actions and words don't mix. Matt has a pattern of physically removing himself from the ladies. Pink flags abound.
Matt James is attracted to the emotionally unavailable gals. The girls are trying to be vulnerable, but he is just a guy that leads women on.
Advice for the girls who are trying to figure Matt out, he may not be worth your time. Marni says he is a F*c$boy. If a guy seems too good to be true and he doesn’t share anything about himself, move on.
That type of guy can be nice. They are not purposefully malicious but they know how to get ladies to keep running back to them. Women can become emotionally attached because they get a shot of oxytocin and it creates a feeling of intense intimacy.
Chris says no matter how hard ABC is trying to sell Matt as Prince Charming it is not working. Matt is just another emotionally unavailable guy in a pretty package. Even Matt's Instagram followers ask him why he is so boring on the show.
Marni says Matt doesn’t seem to be looking for love, just an increase in followers. She doesn’t believe any relationship he gets into will last very long. He is like a computer and just wants to be liked.
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Marni welcomes international Sober Dating coach and host of the Anything for Love podcast, Katie Grimes into the Den. Katie is a thought leader of emotional sobriety. In her work, she mentors women to trust their intuition and to make miraculous shifts to break free from love addiction.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Katie describes her past dating experiences where she was caught in a cycle of overthinking or texting a guy who didn’t respond to her. She admits to having a love addiction before adopting a sober dating process. The key to overcoming love addiction is to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings because they are at the root of questionable actions.
Don't let your anxiety predict your future.
Most of our issues as adults stem from our childhoods. The things we needed as a child but didn’t get will resurface over and over in our adult relationships.
Marni asks how women can get through the anxiety of the moment. Katie says to ask yourself 'What do I need right now?" and to distract yourself with things you know will not hurt you, like physically sitting on your hands. Consider what you are doing to process through your feelings so you don't just eat, work or exercise through your feelings.
Intuition is making a decision that is very clear and easy to make. It is clear you know what you want. Fear creates a tennis match in your mind with fast-paced thoughts bouncing back and forth. Intuition is calm, peaceful, serene, and clear.
When you are in a fight or flight mode become aware of what state you are in. If you are anxious, verbally reach out to a trusted person.
Symptoms of Love Addiction [25:15]
Love addiction is a compulsive need to do something to make you feel loved, validated, and supported through affection or attention. Yet, when you try to take action you feel good for a second, and then you regret it.
An example of being love addicted is sleeping with someone you have chemistry with and expect an instant relationship. But, the next morning you feel like crap and question whether you should text or not.
Love addicts are not screwed up. They just desire the love they didn’t get as a child.
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On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris agree that Queen Victoria’s exit was a great example of what you don’t do when someone breaks up with you, that mean girl syndrome should be cancelled, and the Pretty Woman-inspired shopping date was an attempt to cause a disruption among the girls.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni voices her displeasure in the language the girls use to describe each other. The young women on the show seem to be leaking their insecurities all over the place. The mean girl thing should be cancelled. Is it real or an overproduced drama to keep people watching? Marni points out that women who speak poorly of others have low self-worth, and have not had their needs met. Chris admits he thinks that’s how all women are.
If you have drama in your life, are jealous, or if you compare yourself to others you have unresolved wounds.
Finally, Matt booted Queen Victoria. She seems shady anyway. Chris and Marni consider that she may not have been being herself and only playing a character. Maybe her Instagram followers increased, but she was over the top with bad acting on the show.
Marni’s Tips on How to be Rejection Proof:
If you haven't resolved the issues that are getting you stuck you will have the same result.
While Chris blushes when he thinks about Rachel, Marni admits she was grossed out by the shopping date incident on the show. The 'Pretty Woman' syndrome of expecting a guy to express his interest because he buys you stuff is so... 1990.
If you remember, Rachel said earlier she thought Matt was out of her league. Chris thinks they were trying to make her feel better by showering her with things to build her self-worth and make her feel better. Matt is attracted to her because he, too, is emotionally unavailable.
Make a Connection:
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