Marni and Chris move on to dissect a new show, The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On. The new series means a new group of 20-something couples but the same relationship issues. Does everyone who issued an ultimatum get their way? Was an ultimatum the best way to wash out the issues or is it just a manipulation tool?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Ultimatums can be pattern interrupters
Wherever you go, there you are
Defaulting to bad behaviors
Ultimatums are the opposite of dating with dignity
Manipulating Another Person to Get What You Want
It seems that all the contestants thought they would go on the show and then get their way. So, it begs the question, when we make an ultimatum, are we using manipulation as a tool to make the other person do what we want? Or, we are at our wit’s end and are tired of having our non-negotiables infringed upon?
Marni says it is unfortunate but people usually only make changes because they reach a pain point. Chris says some of the couples may be using the ultimatum as a pattern interrupter, an effort to make the other person aware of their patterns that cross a boundary.
If someone gives you an ultimatum is it based on a problem you have or is it about them?
People tend to think they can find someone better but later come to realize maybe they can not. The show highlights this. If the issue is to marry or not to marry, an ultimatum can take the “fantasy” or made-up “other person” out of the equation.
The Ultimatum Couples
The internet loves April after she tells Jake there is a reason why they are not working and it is total BS to acquiesce without solving the issue. Lauren and Nate talk about the baby in a side conversation. Loren accepts Nate’s proposal during the show but says they need therapy. Hunter doesn’t want anyone else to have Alexis. He seems to be more motivated by fear than love.
If a person gives IN to an ultimatum right away, the issue will likely resurface at some time during the relationship.
Marni reminds us that even if we find someone we believe to be perfect for us, we remain the same until we do the work. Wherever you go, there you are. If we have a problem that has run through all of our relationships, maybe it is time we take a cold hard look at ourselves.
Zay comes home drunk. Rae punches Zay. Zay goes to Shanique to find solace but Shanique calls him out. Zay thought Shanique would accept him no matter how awful he is but she doesn’t. Shanique realizes she needs a grown-up man like Randall.
Colby loves Madeline. They live together and have dogs together but after the ultimatum, she goes to Randall. Randall is obviously putting his best foot forward but he will not have sex with her. She gets validation and connection from the passion of physical touch so it forces her to deal with her stuff.
Off-camera Colby goes out to a club to pick up chicks so he could participate in the experiment. Marni loves the scene where Colby goes to meet up with Madeline and her friends and they all rage against him. They say everything you should never say to someone you love.
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Marni speaks with Sage, Coach, Veteran Business Strategist, and Thought Leader, Kalyn Wilson. Kalyn’s work experience includes influential non-profits, city government, part CEO, principal consultant, and Ph.D. candidate, and has cultivated talent management wins at Fortune 100 companies. Her life and career outlook are inspiring and thought-provoking. There are so many useful nuggets in this episode!
Key takeaways from this episode:
How to create your life on your terms
Managing time and timing
The power of waiting on inspiration
The new world of work
The key to flow
What Makes Kalyn So Special? [2:41]
Kalyn knows how to create the life of her dreams. She has always been an advisor. In her youth, her grandmother would let her know the family’s business if she could keep up during conversations. She learned the power of listening and how to quickly read people's facial expressions. Her gift was to be emotionally intelligent enough to know how to respond.
It may not always feel like it, she says but people around us are always paying attention and becoming inspired by our lives in ways we can not always measure.
Recognize your influence and leverage it for good.
How to Get the Life and Career You Deserve [5:34]
Expanding the definition of what is possible for ourselves and using our inner wisdom to know when to take action is how we can create a life we feel in alignment with. Timing makes the difference between us catching a moment or reacting to a moment. The pandemic made a lot of us feel as though we missed our moment a long time ago, but we didn’t. The time is now!
The management of time and timing is critical for success and wellbeing.
Kalyn believes that, for many people, it is the destination they focus on and not the journey they are on. If more people took the time to think about their life as a whole, as a journey they would make strategic decisions about who and where they want to be.
We are not machines. Everything needs rest and recovery. When we do not listen to our inner Self, our immune systems weaken and our bodies get stressed out with anxiety. We inherently know when to stop, we just need to trust our journey and do what is best for us.
Don’t wait too late. Amazing things happen when we listen to the timing of the universe.
The pandemic made working from home the best alternative for employers to keep their workforces producing. Now, they may be motivated to get people back into the office simply because they have so much money invested in the existing real estate. If you prefer working from home, tell employers the value they get from giving you what you want.
Sometimes we play savior in situations that are not worth being saved.
She reminds us that we are moving out of the post-industrial era and work is changing. Previously, corporations held the power to tell us at what pace work should change. In today’s world, talent has the leverage. Tap into what you love to do and where you love to do it. Collect the data, make the ask, and then make decisions about what best aligns with you.
Get clear about exactly what it is that keeps you feeling in control.
Be aware of what you want.
The key to flow is the willingness to balance wait and action.
Everything doesn’t need to be now, now, now.
True creatives wait for their inspiration. It comes with divine timing.
Have compassion for yourself.
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Marni and Chris recap Season Two of Love is Blind. Be warned, Marni binge-watched the season and this episode contains spoilers. Shayne and Sal didn’t win at love but won plenty of female followers, Shaina is custom-made for The Bachelor, and Deepti deserves more than a man-child.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Overcoming mistakes in relationships
Acceptance and forgiveness
Why do people get wasted the night before their wedding?
How to be rejection-proof
When You Make a Mistake in a Relationship [2:11]
Marni points out that several incidents must have happened off-camera that are integral to the show and the end of the season seemed a bit disjointed because of it. There are pivotal moments when the couples who got married were able to let things go, forgive, and move on.
The biggest shock was when Shayne got wasted the day before his wedding. He truly showed his warts. If you are dating someone and a huge mistake is made, you must be able to accept their apology. Natalie hears the I’m sorry but she couldn’t seem to take in his love and his apology at her soul level. This may result in her building a wall and she may have a hard time opening up in the future. Shayne doesn’t know how to say sorry any other way.
Shayne seemed to see beyond Natalie’s flaws and to love and accept her for who she was. Natalie seemed like she had an idea of who Shayne was but when she figured out she couldn’t control him, she wanted out of the relationship. Shayne told her he wasn’t going to change who he was. He needed her to fight for them and it takes two.
Marni believes Natalie set a boundary to run if something like this ever happened. She was looking for reasons to rule Shayne out rather than in. Generally, when men are with someone like Natalie, they never feel good enough.
A lot of people need to make others wrong to feel good about themselves.
Sal & Mallory Breakup at the Altar [22:52]
Again, something must have happened behind the scenes with Sal and Mal that we didn’t get to see. Chris thinks Mallory was never as into Sal as much as she should have been. The internet disagrees with her. The ladies of the web find Sal endearing and romantic. He gave Mallory space which is refreshing.
Marni reminds us that we are the common denominator in all of our relationships. It could be possible that people who offer us pure love and attention scare us because we don’t know how to accept love and kindness.
Some women create drama where there doesn’t need to be any because they don’t feel worthy of love.
Shake & Deepti [29:43]
Shake did not feel worthy of Deepti, and he is probably right. Even his mother told him to do Deepti a favor and break it off. He is a real jerk on the reunion show. Marni thinks he is in the process of man-volving but isn’t far enough along in his journey to get over the rejection without being childish about it. Deepti deserves a better man.
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Marni speaks with the author of Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, Jessica Baum. Jessica is the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach, a practice that provides couples therapy, family counseling, and addiction therapy. She has worked with thousands of clients for over a decade. She helps clients make a meaningful connection with themselves so they can better understand how they relate to people in relationships.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Understanding an Anxious Attachment style
What it means to do “the work”
Being compassionate toward other people
Why your body is holding on to past trauma
Cultivating a great, deep love
How the Anxious Attachment Style Relates to Your Love Life [2:17]
Attachment styles are embedded patterns that get developed early in life. They get embedded in our nervous system. We repeat hurts from childhood in our adult relationships because it is the way we learned to adapt, connect, and survive. For anxious people, it comes with a lot of self-sacrifices.
Twenty-five percent of the population has an anxious attachment style. Secure people can feel anxiety in their relationships but people with an anxious attachment system tend to be hyperfocused on the external. They normally have a deep-seated abandonment wound. The way they survive is to make plans and keep things close. They may seem controlling but they are just trying to create calmness in their world.
People with an anxious attachment style are externally focused because they have trouble getting their own needs met.
Is It Intuition or a Past Trauma? [10:35]
When we are young and our hippocampus is not fully formed, we have implicit memory. When we are little we store sensations in our body. When sensations feel big, we know it is an old feeling that is resurfacing. Jessica reminds us that big sensations can be painful and cause us to lash out.
Awareness, compassion, and the right support can help us change behavior.
What are you doing to distract yourself from having real relationships?
Anxiously Attached: The Book [19:22]
A lot of couples go to Jessica when they are activated without understanding on a conscious level why they are acting the way they are. In her book, Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, Jessica breaks down what is happening to the nervous system of both people in the relationship and describes what they can do to gain a better understanding of what is happening, and what the other person is feeling.
Jessica says that when we form adult relationships we internalize them and they become part of how we build our secure sense of self. It is through these experiences we learn how to self-regulate.
You can’t fake safety but you can cultivate it.
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Marni welcomes the newest member of the Institute of Living Courageously, Patricia Diesel to the podcast. Patricia is a speaker, author, professional organizer, and certified life coach, and she educates people on the benefits of being organized to restore tranquility and a sense of order. She has been featured in Cosmo, Women’s Day, PBS, and Good Morning America.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Getting rid of old beliefs about who we are
Understanding why we want to attract a partner
How to release things back into the universe
Coming clean to live an authentic life
Why We Need to Declutter [4:01]
When we are emotionally invested in our stuff, it is a reflection of our history and our story. That is why things can be difficult to part with. Patricia says that is why decluttering our homes and our minds can be very cathartic. Professional organizers are trained to ask the questions that individuals don’t ask of themselves. Whether or not we are talking about decluttering material things, we are still talking about the clutter that surrounds our emotions and our minds. We invite things into our lives but there is a time to release those things back into the universe to bring us closure and peace of mind.
Our things are a reflection of who we are.
Man Clutter [10:30]
Patricia says we are all a bit messy with some things consistently but, there are some who have chronic disorganization. Women who are always attracting Mr. Wrong are addicted to finding a man who is bad for them. Having bad man habits is akin to hoarding. If they are always with the guy who is bad for them, they are collecting feelings and emotions. Some have a hard time letting go of what is familiar, even if it is unhealthy because they find comfort in the memory.
Let go of your Man Clutter!
If we can get connected to who we really are, free from our unhealthy attachments, free from past experiences, and release our fear we can create a life based on the terms we set for ourselves.
How Removing Clutter Brings Peace and Stability [17:29]
As we begin to learn more about ourselves and we allow ourselves to feel, Patricia says, the process of decluttering becomes beautiful. It offers us a chance to redefine ourselves and to decide who it is that we want to show to the world.
The unhealthy attachment we have to stuff or to men means there is probably a childhood wound at the core of our intentions. Decluttering offers us a chance for us to get to the root of the problem which allows us to grow and heal.
Patricia cautions us to declutter and unpack with baby steps. She recommends locating an area that needs decluttering, considering the amount of time the small project needs, and prioritizing ourselves by truly showing up and getting to work.
When we talk about coming clean and living our authentic life, we need to look at the real reason we want a partner in our life. What is the real reason we are putting ourselves out there to meet people?
Don’t lose sight of the real reason we want to attract another person into our lives.
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Marni and Chris recap another episode of Season Two of Love is Blind. The couples are finally spending time together. They get 24-48 hours alone to see if the connections they made in the pods remain true. And, spoiler alert, love is not blind.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Being clear about what you want
Sabotaging a relationship because you are insecure
Looks are not everything
Core values are the most important thing in relationships
Masculine & Feminine Energy [2:03]
This episode of Love is Blind, kicks off with Mallory and Sal getting 48-hours alone to find out if their relationship has what it takes to survive an engagement. Mallory seems playful, feminine, and coy when interacting with Sal. But, when she speaks with Jarrette later in the show she drops into her masculine and sounds like a dude.
Chris says Mallory is walking around like a red flag by describing how different and deserving she is. He adds that it is probably a protective measure. Chris also notes that the outcome of the show is getting engaged, so Mallory's hitting on Jarrette can be construed as emotional cheating.
Does Mallory want to be everybody's bro or does she want to be the love interest?
Marni says that when we are left to our own devices, without accountability or self-awareness, many women sabotage relationships with great guys. It feels weird because a person is being nice to us and we don’t know what to do with it. Women unusually revert back to their familiar habits and go for the same old type of guy.
Looks Aren’t Everything: The Nerd Gets Insecure & Judgy [9:03]
In the pod portion of the show, hair and makeup must have been revved up because everyone looked like a jacked-up version of themselves. But in the most recent show, Deepti looked like a girl you would see at Walmart. There is nothing wrong with her naturalness which is why Shake wins the jerk of the year award.
Chris thinks Shake is desperate to leave his nerdy, chubby kid back in the past and wants to be super cool now that he has lost weight. He is insecure and feels not worthy so he judges others in the harsh light that others used to judge him.
Focusing on looks gets in the way of true love and intimacy because if you don't have shared values you will not have real, long-term chemistry with the person.
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Marni welcomes the hosts of the mental health podcast, A Little Help for Our Friends, Jaqueline Trumbull, and Kibby McMahon. Jaqueline is a member of Bachelor Nation, a Ph. D. student at Duke, who studies how interpersonal functioning is impacted by personality, and shame, and contempt. Kibby is a Clinical Psychologist and a Yogi whose passion is in helping people connect more deeply with themselves and others.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Why we do what we do
Changing our narrative
Managing emotions
The importance of trying something new in dating
Applying a growth mindset to life
How Jaqueline & Kibby Came Together [5:01]
Jaqueline and Kibby met at Duke University. They discovered they had stimulating conversations together. Jaqueline had been on the Bachelor which created a bit of a social media following. The duo decided to create a podcast to use their power for good. The podcast, A Little Help for Our Friends, focused on the mental health sphere of people who were suffering collateral damage from mental health issues and personality disorders.
Why We Do What We Do [8:32]
The love we receive as a child becomes our narrative for what love should look like. It can create definitive schemas, which are the way we perceive ourselves in the world. It may be that we develop a schema that we don’t deserve love or that we are not important in a relationship. As we grow older and get into relationships, we attract people who make us feel like love made us feel when we were smaller. We stay in the pattern until we change it and we play out stories that don’t feel resolved.
The love you received as a child becomes your narrative for what love looks like in your life going forward.
Our identities are flexible and can change over time. We have a choice in the identity we want to take on. Some people are afraid of what change will look like for them. We can change without destabilizing ourselves.
Becoming Emotionally Bonded & Regulating Emotions [19:15]
Marni asks the co-hosts of A Little Help for Our Friends what contributes to our emotional bonding. At certain times in our lives, we may emotionally bond with people who fill certain needs even though they may not be suitable for long-term commitments. It’s important to ask ourselves what the relationship is serving. If it fills an unmet need from childhood it may not last.
Happiness and living a meaningful life are living in accordance with our values. But, to know our values we have to dig deep into what we want for ourselves. Emotions make us do things that may not be aligned with our values. Negative emotions aren't bad, they just direct us to do certain things.
Inaction is a choice.
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Marni and Chris recap the third episode of Season Two of Love is Blind. The group finally leave the pods and head to Cancun to see if they are compatible face-to-face. Questions abound over the producers choice to make certain people disappear if the relationships they formed were not saucy or controversial enough.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Being a second choice isn’t necessarily a bad thing
Unless in a committed relationship it is OK to date other people
Wanting someone to change for you
The issues that are not worth breaking up over
Getting Together After He Tries Out the Other Girl [2:46]
In the episode, Jarret chooses between Mallory over Iyanna. Mallory flat out tells Jarret that she is not interested. She does it honestly and succinctly, which is how it should be. There should be no ghosting or ignoring text when telling a guy you are not interested.
Can a relationship work out if you know you were not the other person’s first choice?
Chris says we should all be dating other people before a commitment is made. That is how we get a clear understanding of what we like and what we don’t like. If we let our ego get in the way and take an initial rejection personally, we may miss out on a great opportunity.
When a guy says he likes someone else then shows up in your inbox a month or so later to reconnect, give him a second chance.
Looks Aren’t Everything [14:16]
Shaina tells Shayne she really likes him but Shayne says he likes Natalie. So, Shaina starts hanging with Kyle, who is a vegetarian. Shaina tells him if he wants to be with her he should eat meat. As soon as he eats meat, she leaves saying she is still attracted to Shayne.
When Natalie meets Shayne she quips that she thought he would be goofy. She obviously finds him physically appealing but something is a little off with their connection. Marni says she sees this all the time with her clients. They often want a guy to be who they want him to be so badly, that they continue to date him even if something is off.
Is an Issue Worth Breaking Up Over? [26:45]
In the episode another important point surrounding non-negotiables is brought up when Danielle is not happy that Nick uses organic toothpaste and homemade body wash. Should a personal choice be a deal breaker, or is it something that couples get used to?
Marni says people should spend more time ruling each other in, instead of ruling them out. Be curious about the other person and remember you have habits that someone else might find annoying. Would you want them not to date you because of them?
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Marni welcomes inspirational speaker, author, and esteemed member of the transformational leadership council, Kute Blackson, into the studio to discuss his latest book, The Magic of Surrender. Kute shares the transformational opportunity that appeared when his mother was diagnosed with a fatal illness and how his book sprung from his soul and onto the page.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Myths and misconceptions about surrender
Moving into alignment with the universe
Start telling yourself the truth about what you want
Overcome past conditioning about what you need from life
In our culture today there is a common misconception about what surrender truly means. It often means giving up and had negative connotations. A myth is that when you surrender you get less but Kuke says it's the opposite. Surrender is the most powerful thing you can do. Surrender is the key to manifesting your wildest dreams.
To surrender is when we stop trying to force and manipulate life to fit into our limited idea of how we think life should be. Surrendering opens ourselves to the life that seeks to organically happen from our soul.
Release and let go of what is no longer authentic or aligned with you.
The Process of Surrendering [13:27]
Human beings lie to themselves to keep themselves safe. We stay in relationships we know are not right. We stay in jobs, friendships, and circumstances that we know compromise our integrity but they stay due to security.
A simple and practical place to begin surrendering is by telling the truth to ourselves about who we are, what we feel, and what we want. Kute says if we just start with the truth we will set ourselves free. Issues in our lives will start to dissolve as we live in our truth.
Ask yourself what you want more than anything else, what you are pretending you don’t know, and what is lying to yourself costing you.
Myths and Misconceptions about Surrender [23:11]
To overcome past programming and conditioning and to live in action without attachment, we need to ask ourselves what the universe, the divine, or our souls wish to express through us. And, when we align ourselves with the answer, our truth, then we begin moving into action without attachments and in flow.
Our motivation is aligned with our soul. That is what moves us forward. And, when we take action that is aligned with our soul we feel a level of peace. The universe gives us proof that we can trust life.
Work in alignment with your truth and listen to life’s feedback.
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Marni and Chris discuss another episode of Love is Blind. This time it is The Love Triangle. The 30-something contestants are still in their pods, slowly working their way up to meeting IRL. A couple of couples have been born out of the show already, but will they last? When the contestants finally meet what indiscretions will come to light, and how will they be handled?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Do couples need to agree on everything?
Does physical attraction make or break a relationship?
How to integrate different backgrounds and cultures
Actions speak louder than words
Do We Need to Agree on the Big Topics to Be Together? [2:26]
When we gloss over things we don’t see eye-to-eye on, like religion, does it come back to haunt our relationships? When we are super attracted to another person, we can let our non-negotiables and deal breakers slide because we believe that love trumps everything else.
In this episode of Love is Blind Kyle and Shaina are discussing their differences around faith and religion. Kyle says he is a science guy who would likely mock Shaina if she chose to pray before dinner. She tells him she goes to church and has a strong faith. Marni points out that a common mistake is collecting data about a person and then convincing ourselves that differences can be worked through later.
Shaina says yes to becoming engaged to Kyle even after she discovers he doesn’t share her faith.
If you find yourself in this situation, don’t ignore the differences and discuss them in detail. Expectations about our non-negotiables should be concrete early in relationships. Ask questions until the subject is clear.
Deeper than Face Value [21:09]
During this episode, Shake is talking with Deepti. Shake admits to being overly focused on appearance but he has an epiphany after making a deep connection with Deepti that he now feels it is more about the connection and that they have shared interests and values. When they meet he discovers that she is hot and instantly grabs her and says he wants to make her pregnant. Marni can’t decide if she thinks this is weird or cute?
If you are dating someone from a different culture you need to decide upfront, as a couple, which parts of the culture you are going to embrace and which ones you are not going to embrace.
Like a Silent Movie [25:32]
Marni reminds us that like a silent movie, actions are more important than words. On the show, Shane makes a perfect example of someone who says one thing and then does something else. He asks Natalie to be his girlfriend but then flirts with Shaina. When Shaina (a hot mess in her own right) calls him out on it, Shane changes the subject and asks a mundane question such as ‘so, what are you wearing babe?’.
Chris asks what is so special about Shane that he has two girls falling all over him. No one can figure it out. Marni says she thinks he has a way of making the girls feel good about themselves but time will tell.
Do not fall into a love triangle.
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Marni welcomes Author, Speaker, Entrepreneur, and Business Advisor, Fred Joyal to the Life Check Yourself mobile studio. Fred’s book, Superbold: From Under Confident to Charismatic in 90 Days is a step-by-step guide for having a successful and happy life. You will be inspired to embrace life after listening!
Key takeaways from this episode:
Boldness can be learned
Communication mistakes
Taking risks and action
How to be bold by default
What Does it Mean to Be Superbold? [2:10]
Confidence is how you feel. Boldness is what you do. A common misconception is that boldness is something we are born with. But, boldness can be learned much faster than most people think. Fred admits that he is an introvert and having fun and taking risks was not part of his life before figuring it all out. He says it can be part of everyone's life with very little effort.
Boldness is confidence in action.
Superbold is the ability to bring boldness and confidence to action when it matters most. If you are confident around co-workers, family, and friends but when it is crucial you exert boldness in a social situation you have a hard time speaking up or taking action.
The Power Tools of Boldness [6:59]
Actively listening to someone with no response planned makes a huge difference when making someone feel comfortable with you. Smiling and making eye contact will keep most people engaged with you, Fred says. People notice if there is an ulterior motive in a conversation and they are instantly repelled by it.
A Superbold power tool is going into a situation and being present for the experience itself without thinking about the outcome you want.
It's easy to project things on other people. It's better to find out who the person actually is without hoping they are the person of our dreams. Take your time and get to know someone. Fred says to be sure to say your exit line while you still have eye contact, not as you are turning and walking away. Turning too fast can transmit disinterest.
A conversation during a date doesn’t have to be a ping pong match.
Building the Boldness Muscle: The PRIDE Method [23:30]
Chasing your dreams should make you proud. In nursing homes, more seniors regret the stuff they didn’t try more than making bad decisions. That’s what is gnawing at them in their final days, actions they didn’t take.
The PRIDE Method:
Preparation — prepare what you are going to say
Relaxing — check in with your body and shed your anxiety
Insight — make the choice not to panic when something happens
Dosage — control the intensity of your experience
Everyday Action — do something bold every day
The great secret in life is — trying and failing feels almost as good as trying and succeeding.
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Superbold: From Under-Confident to Charismatic in 90 Days
Marni and Chris Gillis are back analyzing another reality dating show. This season’s Love is Blind is on the discussion block in this episode. The Love is Blind experiment attempts to discover if we are able to love somebody without meeting them face-to-face?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Discovering your core values
Tacky online dating questions
Beauty is subjective
Don’t get emotionally invested too soon in the dating process
Date more than one person until you have ‘the’ conversation
Discovering Dealbreakers & Non-Negotiables [2:42]
Chris sets up the premise for Love is Blind. The fascinating element of the show is that people are in pods and only have the opportunity to listen to each other. They ask questions to build an avatar about who the other people are. Questions get deep swiftly, avoiding normal surface-level interactions.
Contestants seem to narrow down their five core values quickly proving that initial physical attraction isn't necessary. They end up realizing what they thought was important isn't and unexpected things become insanely attractive. Beauty is subjective.
The contestants on Love is Blind get clear about what they are looking for in a partner.
Tacky Online Dating Questions [7:29]
One girl, Tricia, seems hell-bent on letting everyone know how hot she is and she touts a large Instagram following. It is a great example of someone who looks good on paper but seems too concerned about her data. When she talks about it, it is unattractive and masculine. Marni says, like many women that go through her program, she probably has no idea how it comes across when dating.
Then there is Shane, who keeps asking Shaina what she is wearing. It is gross and unattractive. Shane oversexualizes most things when talking with someone. Sexuality doesn't play well in this environment.
Expectations in Early Dating [23:19]
By the end of the first episode, Shayne, Natalie, and Shaina are in a Love is Blind triangle. Marni extracts real-life dating lessons from the trifecta.
An important point to remember is that when we are at the beginning stages of dating no one owes anyone anything. A common mistake women make is getting overly optimistic instead of cautiously optimistic at the beginning of the dating process. If you like someone it isn’t pleasant to think that they might be dating someone else. People don't want to have ‘the’ conversation yet end up being blindsided when the other person breaks things off to be with another person.
Be honest about where you are in dating and have a conversation if you are unsure where the relationship stands.
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Marni welcomes the foremost expert in unhealthy love addiction, Sherry Gaba to the podcast. Sherry is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach, and author who helps women cope with codependency, love addiction, toxic relationships, and all the mental health issues that go with it. Sherry has been featured on VH1 Celebrity Rehab, CNN, Inside Edition, and in Cosmopolitan and the LA Times. Her podcast, The Love Fix focuses on key learnings from her book, Love Smacked.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Signs of love addiction and obsessive love
Three types of trauma bonding in relationships
Why we attract toxic relationships
How to break free from the cycle of love addiction
Being vulnerable to love bombers and predators
Sherry shares the common signs and symptoms of love addiction. It is a lifestyle process addiction that has the same mood-altering effects as a physical addiction with withdrawal symptoms. If there is a break up it can feel as difficult as overcoming an addiction to drugs.
Many love addicts suffer from severe abandonment issues. They will turn themselves into a pretzel to do the bidding of the people they believe they love because they can't stand to be alone.
How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship? Sherry says the telltale signs are: If you are walking on eggshells, craving their attention and validation, giving up who you are to please them, or second-guessing yourself because of something they tell you. You need to resolve some childhood trauma.
Love-Bombing and Devaluing [8:14]
Sherry describes love bombing as over-the-top courting and lavish gift-giving. Someone who is love bombing you will say your relationship is fated and that you are soul mates. They want to suck you in right away.
The biggest hallmark of love bombers shows up when the other person tries to set a boundary and they won't have it. Someone who legitimately cares will respect your boundaries.
Codependent love addicts are prone to accepting a tsunami of affection because they need validation, and they want to be loved and needed. Sherry says we seek out people that fit into our unresolved childhood traumas.
Trauma Bonding & How to Have Healthy Relationships [22:18]
People get into toxic relationships for a myriad of reasons but a common theme is they feel bonded by trauma. The push and pull of the cycle of love-bombing can feel like trying to get a parent’s attention as a child. Sherry says there is no shame in feeling the way we do. The important thing is that we realize what is happening, get out of the relationship, and find a therapist to help us through our traumas.
To meet someone with a mature attachment style we need to be working toward our mature attraction style.
When we find ourselves in a relationship and a guy suddenly bows out, or doesn’t stay for the long term it could be because he realizes he can’t meet our unhealthy needs.
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Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to find Everlasting Love
Wake Up Recovery for Toxic Relationships, Codependency and Love Addiction
Marni welcomes the woman CNBC calls the Millennial Therapist, Tess Brigham to the Life Check Yourself studio. Tess is an expert Psychotherapist, Life Coach, and Public Speaker. For over 10-years, Tess has specialized in helping 20-somethings discover their unique life path so they can make an impact.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Reduce anxiety and overwhelm for young adults
How Millennials and Gen Zers can carve their path to happiness
What parents shouldn’t tell their young adult children
Dating via social media and apps
How Recent Events Have Changed Young People [2:38]
Millennials find themselves in a different space. Many graduated college during the 2008-2009 recession and found themselves unable to afford a house when home prices righted themselves. They are in a tough predicament and some say they have given up trying to get ahead financially.
Gen Zers found themselves coming of age during the pandemic and missing some important milestones in life because the entire world closed down.
Tess believes that it is harder to be a young person today. With the hardest part being the overwhelm they feel. Many feel they must figure everything out and get it right, right now. They believe there is no time to waste when making life decisions. Much of this right here-right now thinking comes from the fast pace of technology, Tess says.
What can they do to get unstuck? — Tess asserts it starts with stopping for a second and taking a look at their life in the current moment. When they assess where they are and ask themselves what is working for them and what is not, it can help them to stop what they are doing and change directions.
Pick an area of life that is not working for you and explore what happens when you try something different. Chat with new people, and push the edges of your comfort zone.
Parents of Young Adults Can Reduce the Anxiety [13:20]
Parents can help their young adult children by letting them know it is okay to let go of the myths of time frames of what they assume they should be doing. Reassure them it is their life to do with what they will. And, there is no better time to start doing things that make them happy.
Young adults can relieve anxiety and overwhelm by:
Taking a break from social media.
Doing a life assessment.
Looking at life as an exploration.
Consider what they need more of to be happy.
Parents avoid asking your adult kids these questions:
Why are you still single?
Can you really afford xxx?
Many parents get stuck in the headspace that they are responsible for solving their kids' problems. Teach your children to solve their own problems, let them work out the things they are considering, and don't pressure them to make concrete decisions right now.
If you want to have a different relationship with your child, stop offering your two cents until they ask for it. Cultivate the relationship that makes them want to call you and talk about their lives.
Do Gen Zers’ Hook Up First & Date Later? [24:48]
Social media and dating apps are changing the dating game for young adults. No one uses the phone anymore. Many rely solely on texting to get to know another person, even when many are longing for deep, long-lasting relationships.
Tess says people are not meeting in real life as much as they should be. They use apps so much for relationships, they don't look up to consider people in the real world. Tess thinks millennials and Gen Zers’ are much more separated. Even though all of the interaction prepares them for relationships in life.
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Marni welcomes Sally Maxwell into the studio. Sally is the VP of HG Life division, a senior coach, and has a B.A. in theater and in music. She lives her life on her own terms and is passionate about working with people to transform their lives using the Handel method. During this episode, Sally breaks down the HG principles in a direct and loving way and offers practical tips and actions to get you off autopilot.
Key takeaways from this episode:
How to live your dreams
Connecting to joy
Getting measurable results
Design a tagline for your life
The Handel method is an innovative, straightforward coaching method that changes the lives of private and corporate clients for over 20-years. It is taught at MIT, Stanford, and 50 other educational programs. What makes it different is that it is specific and measurable. It is one of the only methods that incorporates spirituality with the take the action and do the thing philosophy. Combining the elements creates a cohesive transformational experience. It addresses all the aspects of humanity, Sally says.
The first thing clients do is write their dreams in twelve areas of life from the perspective of their higher self. Sally says that as we age we can forget how to dream because we only believe that whatever is possible is right in front of us. Clients are encouraged to tune out their negative inner dialogue and tell the truth about what they want.
Marni asks why it is so easy for people to get tunnel vision or be afraid to dream. Sally says we have different voices such as the Brat, (lower-self), the Chicken, the Weather Reporter.
Getting stuck in our lower selves is what gets in our way as human beings.
How to Connect to Joy [24:24]
The fastest way to get connected to joy is to think about the one thing we need to deal with that we put off then, create a specific and measurable promise about when we are going to do it. The driver is to give ourselves a self-imposed consequence if we don't do it or blow it off.
We are not connected to the long-term consequence of blowing off our dreams and that keeps us stuck.
Design a Tagline for Your Dreams [31:14]
Marni asks Sally what people can do when they are in the moment of breaking a promise to themselves. Sally says there are two immediate actions a person could take. They could break the promise to themselves and pay the consequence or design a tagline. A tagline is a marquee header for how a person relates to something. Give their dream a title.
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Marni, Man-alist Chris Gillis, and Dr. Emily recap the final episode of Season 26 of The Bachelor. Man-child Clayton ends up with Susie, even though she ultimately turned him down after finding out about his extracurricular activities. Gabby shows her emotional maturity as Rachel loses her eyelashes but both ladies will be Bachelorettes so everyone got what they wanted, or did they?
Key takeaways from this episode:
Trust yourself when dating
Being authentic
Clayton’s Yuck Factor is Exacerbated by His Lack of Empathy [1:26]
Chris points out that Clayton utilized the word salad bucket more than once during this episode. He blankly looks at all the ladies and says he has no regrets blah, blah, blah, and we all got our happy ending. Marni and Dr. Emily agree that it was a big cop-out and easier for him than actually having some empathy for the women he falsely proclaimed his love to.
When the girls shared their feelings and got vulnerable Clayton acted like he was bored to death. He quipped that he needed to follow his heart. He was non-specific and didn't seem to care what the ladies felt. He just wanted to get it over with.
Gabby's reaction to Clayton was more empowered because she was not attracted. She flat-out told Clayton that he sounded ridiculous. And, kudos to her because she did it without acting out or getting upset. Dr. Emily points out that Gabby didn't make the rejection about herself and she didn't take it personally, which shows emotional maturity.
The difference between mature love and immature love is that when someone is operating from their unmet needs it is akin to a child trying to date and create relationships with an adult body.
Immature Versus Mature Relationships [9:16]
Dr. Emily was so disgusted by Clayton’s lack of empathy she began googling the red flags of sociopaths. To tell all the ladies he slept with the other women and then to think that everything would be fine was outrageous. Marni believes Clayton to be no better than a 15-year-old boy in the emotional sense. He is a wannabe player.
Clayton seems to think that if he feels something he is allowed to act on it as he doesn’t have ill intent. It is overly simplistic. He didn't consider anyone else's feelings. Mature love takes everyone’s feelings into account.
Dr. Emily thinks he is just peeling back the first layer of what love is. Chris doesn't think Clayton is out there to hurt anybody but Marni says he is a man-child. She adds that she thinks he is not dumb, he is just super-selfish.
Love is about caring for another person and accepting responsibility.
Do We Love the Ones We Fight for More? [32:37]
Dr. Emily points out that easy relationships may seem boring to our brains. When the beginning of a relationship is dramatic or exciting it can be interpreted as chemistry by our brains. She says it is important to remember that if someone says they don’t want to be with us we have to respect it.
If someone doesn't want to be with you, let them go. Practice dignity with dating.
When someone breaks up with another, there can be one clarifying conversation. one conversation to let the other person explain how they feel or why they are not interested but no more. Don’t let things draw out because no good can come of it.
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Marni welcomes Master Certified Life Coach, Grief Expert, Widow, Mom, and Host of the Widowed Mom podcast, Krista St-Germain. Krista’s husband was killed by a drunk driver. When she finally emerged after therapy, she began working with clients to help them gain the tools to move forward and create a future they were excited about.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Forgiveness as a vehicle of healing
Processing grief
Self-care during grieving
Dating after a loss
Embracing feelings
Krista describes how she went from tragedy to living into her purpose. She says the first step was understanding that it was real. Her life changed in an instant. But, even through the trauma she says, a small part of her knew that it was possible to take the crappy cards she was dealt and deal herself some meaning in life.
She knew she had to step into forgiveness but it wasn’t easy. It took her a while to realize that the person who killed her husband was not in a good place or he wouldn’t have been on alcohol and drugs in the first place. She needed to forgive him before she could move forward.
There is a difference between forgiving someone so you can let go of the emotional weight and forgiving the person to make them feel better.
Processing Grief [9:05]
Marni asks Krista how she took care of herself during the grief and loss. Krista says, as children, we don't learn how to process our emotions. It's not taught in school and our parents don't know how to prepare us for this. A normal response is to get away or hide from grief but we can only use the avoidance behaviors for so long before we have to put the brakes on and embrace our feelings. Allowing ourselves to feel our feelings is a big part of self-care.
Krista says she did a lot of things to distract herself after her husband died. She would eat a lot and go shopping to fill her time. She had to learn to feel her feelings and not resist them. You don't get to make the feelings go away. They are always there and they wait for you to be ready to deal with them.
Until you learn to process your feelings you waste energy trying to get away or hide from them.
One of the biggest feelings Krista spends time coaching her people through is when they want to be happy again. But when they start to feel happy again they judge themselves for it.
When to Start Dating After a Loss of a Spouse [16:41]
Some people start dating after a loss because they are trying to fill a void. For Krista, dating felt like a hassle. She didn't want to do it. She wanted to be whole, complete, amazing, and wonderful before she felt she could give to another person instead of grasping to get what she needed.
Research shows we are not happier partnered than not partnered.
Coming from a place of wholeness, no matter your situation, is the best approach to partnership. Feeling our feelings makes us fully alive. When we don't have the skills or the desire to be with all of our feelings, what often happens is we get stuck in a stagnant zone, we don't feel the highs or the lows. It keeps us from taking risks or leaning into new possibilities. We need to take risks to feel alive and to feel love.
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Marni, Chris, and Dr. Emily discuss the four-hour, two-part drama that was this past week’s The Bachelor. Clayton wants all the cake and Susie says he can’t have his cake and eat it too. Finding common ground about whether Clayton was being a jerk or was justified in his actions is a slippery slope as you will hear in this in-depth Bachelor breakdown.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Defining gaslighting
Setting clear expectations and boundaries
Dating with dignity
Taking responsibility for your actions
First, Hey Internet — Gaslighting is not what you think it is! Dr. Emily defines gaslighting as intentionally lying to make someone feel like they are crazy. Clayton was not gaslighting when he reacted to Susie’s confrontation, he may have been withholding information but that is not gaslighting.
Backstory if you missed the episode, Clayton tells two women he loves them. He also had physical relations with Rachel and Gabby. Susie confronts him saying that if he is having sex with other people then she’s out. She obviously doesn’t think he shares her values around sex and love. In her mind, why would Clayton have sex with other women if he is in love with her.
Chris says Susie was totally justified in what she said. She was direct and that is the communication style men understand. Marni disagrees saying that if you are dating someone IRL you would never know if they were sleeping with other people unless you ask.
Dr. Emily says when Clayton said ‘I love you’ he made everything more complicated. The women assume those three words mean commitment which is perfectly OK. But, until you have the conversation, you should not assume anything.
Marni, Dr. Emily & Chris do not come to a consensus about how much of a red flag Clayton's actions were. He was rude and hurtful on purpose and that means somewhere down deep his little who felt rejected.
If you are dating someone and have values around sex it is important to communicate what your expectations are about having sex, being exclusive, being direct about feelings.
If He Only Had a Heart [19:41]
Clayton has done little to generate audience support. When he speaks it is without feeling. His actions look generated. It could be because his self-worth is low or that the show’s producers gave him a Bachelor playbook. He is inauthentic. To his credit, they are trying to date and find love in fabricated environments with scripts written by strangers.
Susie speaks her truth and sets a firm boundary. Clayton doesn’t want the relationship to be over but that is not Susie’s fault. She could have said something sooner but she doesn’t owe him anything.
When you set boundaries people may not like it but your boundaries are for you, not them.
Will Susie be the next Bachelorette?
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Marni welcomes renowned financial guru and the founder of HealthyLoveandMoney.com, Ed Coambs into the Life Check Yourself studio. Ed helps couples deal with their money stuff. He is recognized as a thought leader who offers financial therapy. He has been cited in the WSJ, AP, NYT, and CNBC. He leads couples through therapy from financial despair and frustration into financial intimacy and connection.
Key takeaways from this episode:
How to practice financial empathy
Solving money issues in a healthy way
Discover your money attachment style
The best time to talk about money when dating
Practicing Financial Empathy [1:54]
Ed says money conflict is not equal to other types of conflict. Money conflicts are more damaging to relationships than other types of conflict. Money represents security, safety, and freedom and it means different things to different people. Money can take on any meaning we give it. We use money for so many different purposes, psychologically speaking, it makes it a loaded topic.
Ed recommends having money conversations before couples commit. As a couple, we need to feel we are doing money the right way otherwise we are out of alignment. In the search for financial empathy, gather your money memories from childhood.
Money shame doesn't ever go away; it is more about what you do about it once you are in it.
We did not choose most of our early money situations. We were born into them. Those starting financial points left indelible impressions that will be with us for our entire life. If we don't reconcile and deal with them.
Money Attachment Styles [20:49]
Ed says he didn't believe that attachment style had anything to do with money issues when he first began his business. But, when he began reflecting on his money history, upbringing, and spending or saving habits he recognized the cause and effect. He says it is a challenging journey to go on, but it is liberating.
Every time you talk about money you activate the attachment system.
Early money influences can turn into a shopping habit or be the motivation to become a workaholic or avid spender if you felt you didn’t have enough as a child. Or, if you fear being rejected you may try to hide your spending habits.
For adults who are trying to form and maintain loving, safe, and intimate relationships it is important for them to form new patterns.
Make Healthy Emotional Money Decisions [29:58]
Ed says the first step into shifting your relationship with money is to become aware that you have a relationship with money. Then, work with someone qualified to help you work through it. You won't unearth your money story and shift it on your own. Make self-examination a way of life versus self-criticism and shame. And, for the love of God, enjoy your life.
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The Couples Guide to Financial Intimacy
The Healthy Love & Money Way: How The Four Attachment Styles Impact Your Financial Well-Being
Marni and Chris Gillis reflect on the latest Bachelor episode as this season starts to taper off. This ho-hum sandbox of a season lacks the heart and compassion of previous Bachelor seasons. It seems Robot Clayton didn’t come pre-programmed with emotions or charm. It would be a travesty if he ended up with Gabby because she is a shiny gem amongst the dull rocks.
Key takeaways from this episode:
How long to date before getting engaged?
Male and female communication styles
Remembering heartfelt Bachelor seasons
Being a goofball can be endearing
Is it Too Early to Get Engaged? [1:21]
Marni and Chris reminisce about Colton Underwood’s recent engagement. He had previously dated Bachelor contestant Cassie for two years then he revealed he was interested in men and now he is engaged to political strategist, Jordan Brown.
How long should a person wait to get engaged after leaving a long-term relationship? Marni thinks it should take over a year to know if a person has similar values or won't circumvent your deal breakers. Plus, if there are no disagreements you have no idea how the two of you will handle conflict.
If you haven’t had any disagreements in your relationship, are you speaking about your needs or setting boundaries?
Robot Clayton [8:56]
The number one thing that would add some pizazz to this mundane, boring season would be to magically inject Clayton with some emotions. And, truth be told even the contestants don't seem exceptionally happy or sad. There is no joy or pain displayed by anyone on the show.
When Clayton broke up with Serene, it made Chris feel weird. Chris says he would rather have someone get their emotions out instead of simply walking away. Clayton is showing red flags when it comes to communication. He sounds like one of those guys who doesn't know how to handle conflict.
Again Marni reminisces about a previous Bachelor, Ben Higgs was the first Bachelor to say 'I love you'. He broke the mold and the rules when he told two contestants he loved them. Marni also lovingly remembers Greg Grippo’s love for Katie as being a show highlight.
The current Bachelor cast is in it for the wrong reasons. It makes the show seem staged and manipulative.
Clayton and Gabby [16:27]
Both Marni and Chris agree that Clayton is repetitive and mundane. He is good at reflecting back but he is not great at sharing his thoughts. He is so emotionally disconnected that his body language is stunted. Mani says that there are a lot of women like this, their spirit doesn't show through because they don't know how to communicate.
While Gabby may not be everyone's cup of tea, with the right person it will be adorable and fun. Because of her goofiness, Gabby may be friend-zoning herself. Clayton says Gabby is sweet. Chris thinks she is the whole package: sweet, sexy, and cool.
Marni likes Gabby because she is capable of being vulnerable and being super hot like when she showed up at the rose ceremony. She is showing all sides of herself. But, Marni doesn't think Clayton will pick her because she is so awesome.
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Chris Gillis joins Marni to discuss the juicy dating nuggets from this week’s ho-hum The Bachelor episode. Clayton uses the show’s credit card to Pretty Womanize the contestants, but he is no Richard Gere. The Producers force therapy on the women whether they like it or not, and the probable frontrunner shares too much.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The pretense of the Pretty Woman date is to mimic the 1990s classic but falls short on entertainment value because we have evolved into 2022. Clayton, the handsome guy takes women to a fancy store and treats them like princesses. Marni wonders if buying clothes for a woman is really the royal treatment.
Chris questions whether women like this tactic or not. Marni says women just want to be treated like they are special. That is the key, not the stuff. Attention to detail and thoughtfulness go a long way in wooing a woman.
Women want to feel special, not bombarded with expensive gifts.
Couples Therapy in Vienna [17:52]
In another completely ridiculous setup, Clayton and company are whisked off to Vienna to attend therapy and psychoanalyze each other. Marni points out that couples don’t go to counseling at the beginning of a relationship when they are still happy. The women were expected to open up in front of the cameras and crew, yet Clayton didn't have to share anything. He is given the golden gavel and evaluates them. This type of stunt is merely theatrics. It would never occur in real life.
Genevieve, the contestant who has never had a one-on-one date with Clayton, is asked to blurt out her feelings about him. She says she doesn't like talking about things that make her upset or crying. Even if she is not comfortable with her feelings, she wasn't set up to win.
When dating there has to be context to be vulnerable. Don't beat yourself up if you can't talk about your feelings on first dates or surprise encounters.
Marni thinks Genevieve should B-N-R (bless and release) Clayton. Women stay too long with guys who drain their energy. He didn't take time with her therefore she doesn't owe him anything.
Sharing Feelings Without Ultimatums [32:40]
Marni thinks Rachel, the pilot, is the frontrunner. Or at least, it will come down to Rachel and Susie. Rachel is good at reading physical queues and she notices that Clayton lights up when someone says she loves him. It builds him up. Is he just a dufus who needs affirmation?
Maybe, I love you shouldn't be shared over plastic food with a rose?
Rachel did a good job of taking responsibility for her 50%. Marni says Rachel shared her feelings with dignity, while Chris felt she went a little too far.
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Marni welcomes the creator of the everchanging The Adventure Challenge game, Bryant Ellis. He is a risk-taking, rule-breaking high school dropout, entrepreneur, and newly-minted millionaire. As host of The Fail Journal podcast, he is determined to help people process failure as a lesson, not trauma.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Bryant had the desire to create a game that was different every time he played it. When he landed on The Adventure Challenge he continued to drill down to make the game more adventurous and make different versions for dating, family, etc. To date, he has sold millions of copies around the world.
His side hustle became The Fail Journal podcast where he talks with people about their failures and how they process them. For Bryant, failure has always been a numbers game in his head. He says if you process failure as trauma you may not be as willing to take risks again.
Redirect how you think about failure to set you up for success.
How to Build a Strong Fail Muscle [7:47]
Bryant says to process failure differently we must work at it. It is a journey, not a destination. Releasing the shame is a good place to start. When we change the meaning we give to our failures, we release the fear of taking another risk. Without risk, there is no success.
No opinion should be too precious to change. Approaching life with curiosity is the best way to grow. Do we really have to follow someone else's rules? Bryant thinks the experimentation process is beautiful but many are afraid of it because of potential failure or rejection.
If Bryant Was a Man-Panelist [29:20]
Marni asks — What makes a guy want to go on a second or third date? Bryant wants to have a moment of connection and have fun. First dates can be awkward so he avoids dinner dates. He opts for a nice leisurely stroll instead. He wants to connect with a woman who is independent, meaning she wants to be in a relationship but doesn't need it to feel complete.
Marni asks Bryant if a woman sleeps with him on the first date, does it send the wrong message? He thinks there is something instinctive in men that they need to pursue or work for something. A guy generally perceives a woman has more value if she has boundaries. He adds that guys notice when women don't adhere to their boundaries. Hollywood romance scenarios rarely take hold. Brian wants to woo and chase.
The fear of being alone caused him to stay in a relationship for too long. You can use people to meet a need you have instead of actively trying to pursue a connection with intention. His biggest failure was being afraid of being alone. Now, he would rather be alone than be lonely with someone.
It is healthier to be alone than being lonely in a relationship.
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Chris Gillis is back from vacation and rejoins Marni to discuss another episode of this extremely overproduced season of The Bachelor. Several of the main players are emotionally immature, including the leading man. Conversations seem canned, there is a lot of needless crying, and now that Clayton finally gave Shanae the boot, who will keep the drama alive?
Key takeaways from this episode:
In being cast as the title role on The Bachelor, one might assume that Clayton would take on a leadership role and embody some leadership qualities. Unfortunately, his chameleon-like persona doesn’t allow him to take control of anything. He seems lost and unprepared for engagement or marriage.
In this episode, he finally gives Shanae the boot and then acted embarrassed that he didn’t do it sooner. It is as if he lacks the nads to stand behind his decisions. Showing once again that a handsome beefcake may not be a perfect match.
When Mara talks to Clayton about Sarah’s age, instead of asking Sarah directly if she thinks she is ready to be in a relationship, he poses it as if someone has been putting doubts in his head about her. Of course, Sarah starts crying instead of answering. No one really knows what her objective was for crying so much. Was it because she thinks she is losing?
Asking direct high-quality questions, no matter how uncomfortable, is always the best course of action.
Defaulting to Victim [11:55]
Some women cry as a default strategy when they don’t want to answer a question or face up to their feelings. Crying is not always connected to sadness. Sarah could have expressed herself but she just cried. Therefore, Clayton doesn't know what to do with it.
Crying can be a healthy expression and release our emotions and tension. It may be being used as a manipulation tool in the case of this show. It shows immaturity and a lack of communication skills.
In relationships, there are important conversations that need to be had. You should be able to answer your own truth.
When you say something in line with your values or boundaries and the other person has an emotional reaction, it may be difficult but you are not responsible for how they feel.
The Age Factor [18:33]
No matter what your age or circumstance, you have the potential to be the best catch in the room. We are all just a few mindset shifts away from having it all. Stories and prejudgments stop us from really getting to know people.
On the show, Mara, 32, continues to bring up her age as if that is why she is not the frontrunner. Then asks Clayton if 23-year-old Sarah is truly ready for a long-term relationship. The truth is Clayton is not into Mara. He may sense that Mara is not truly happy with where she is. She has age dysmorphia and it is unattractive.
Anything is possible no matter how old you are when you are being true to yourself and living your best life.
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Marni welcomes author and personal development expert Gary John Bishop into the Life Check Yourself studio to discuss the impacts of his books and teachings. Gary John describes how we can uncover our personal truth and venture into relationships without blame or baggage.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Gary John did not want to write a book. He resisted when a marketing representative approached him with the idea. He didn't want to write a book called 'Be Great' because that is not his style. He was self-publishing, so he thought who cares what the title is. He was unwilling to do anything or write anything that felt inauthentic.
If you want to live an extraordinary life, you have to do something extraordinary.
Most people look at others who do extraordinary things and believe the other people have something special that propels them forward. But people who do extraordinary things are just people who were called to do something bigger and then took the necessary actions to get it done.
For those called to do extraordinary stuff but don't act, they have to tell themselves the truth. That is when they start to identify how full of shit they have become. When we embrace who we are and what we are about we chip away at the conditioning and programming to expose our authenticity.
It's not about how successful you are with your venture. It's about taking the steps for yourself. Get clear about who you are and what you care about. This is what unfu*king yourself means. People will be drawn to your authenticity.
Love Unfu*ked [14:51]
In relationships, most of us are trying to fix something about ourselves from our past. We believe a relationship will be the answer we are looking for. Gary John says it is a big part of what draws us to people. It is not that a person is the love of our lives, it is that they are the solution of our lives. They solve something for us. Sometimes they solve problems for us we didn't know we had.
The first thing to do before you get in any relationship is to get clear about the kind of ‘you’ that is getting into the relationship. You can't go into a new relationship with junk from the past. Consider what you are walking in the door with and what things trigger you? It's not rocket science. When we look back at all of our crappy relationships the common denominator is always us.
If you take away the bullsh*t you can figure out what drives you to do what you do.
The Life You Are Willing to Put Up With [19:20]
Marni questions Gary John about people who claim to have done the work but just don't implement what they have learned? Gary John says that knowing something doesn't really mean sh*t. Knowledge does not equal awareness. You can know something but still not have come to terms with it or understand the ways it impacts your life.
You have the life you are willing to put up with.
We can move, evolve, and change in the face of anything. The secret ingredient is us. If we want our life to be different, we have to be different.
The only thing that keeps us rooted in the past is blame. We become attached to being right, but we need to move past it.
It is not hard to forgive ourselves.
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Dating coach Robbie Kramer joins Marni to share insights and take a deep dive into the dating lessons from the last episode of The Bachelor. Are the producers keeping Shanae around just to make sure fans are awake? If they left it to the dull-edged sword, Clayton, fans might fall asleep. Is bagging a bore enough incentive to keep these beautiful women in the game?
Key takeaways from this episode:
When Gaby speaks with her mother reflects on the major difference between vulnerability and telling a sob story. Makes one wonder if the conversations were contrived based on a certain formula the producers put together? Real vulnerability is organic.
Dating tip — Don’t get stuck in your head while dating. You can be emotionally prepared without being strategic about it. You don't ‘DO’ vulnerability. You can’t put it on like a jacket.
Vulnerability is a natural state of being.
Vulnerability isn't a sob story or the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Vulnerability is letting the other person know you had a great time on the date. Or, that you really enjoy their company.
Robbie has a soft spot for Gaby because he likes silly jokesters. Marni says the way she presented her vulnerability — blurting out that she has low self-esteem was inappropriate. She could have described examples of the things her low self-esteem has brought about in her life which would have softened the blow for Clayton.
Marni recommends sharing in a way that creates connection instead of leaking. Robbie predicts Clayton will eventually use the information as a get-out-of-jail-free card. Gaby may be regretting saying it. It wasn't a problem before she brought it up but now, it's a thing.
Boring Hot Guy Syndrome [16:04]
Robbie and Marni agree that Clayton is a mix of careful and vanilla. Marni can not imagine that some of these amazing women will be satisfied with someone so plain. Robbie works with good-looking clients who are worse in bed than they think they are. They got laid in HS and college because they were hot but when they start dating women of substance they don't understand why relationships don't pan out.
Some ladies stay with a boring hot guy because they think there is potential. Why are these women still dating this dud?
Marni thinks Clayton presents well and he is a bit of a chameleon. There is very little that is unique about him. If a guy is always playing the mirror or being the chameleon and just doing what they need to get by, he robs himself of the opportunity of being authentic.
Clayton is the perfect candidate for a desk job. Where is his stapler?
High Emotional Intelligence [23:44]
The frontrunner as far as Marni and Robbie see it is the Olympian, Marlena. She didn't get the rose date but she seems to be winning. She shows up authentically. Marni doesn't think Marlena would ever date Clayton IRL. He just doesn't measure up to her. She is funny and cool and handles conflict well which means she has a high level of emotional intelligence.
When your vibe or emotional availability isn't at the level of a high-quality person you are not going to attract those people. Clayton may be on the show for the wrong reasons. He can't make decisions, he has low self-esteem, and he gets swayed by whatever is going on around him. He is definitely not ready for a long-term relationship.
Make a Connection:
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