After a month of staying at home, singles may be getting anxious to get out there and date. And even though there is a light at the end of the tunnel, the best idea may be to use this time to build a deeper relationship with guys with potential. To discover how to navigate the unknown waters of dating in the time of quarantine, Marni welcomes Julie Krafchick and Yue Xu, hostesses of Dateable. A podcast Huffington Post reveals as one of 2020’s top ten podcasts about love and sex. Julie, Yue, and Marni take a deep dive into all the online dating and relationship issues you want to know about.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Based on a poll posted on the Dateable Facebook group Julie says that a majority of the women who answered would meet a guy they met online during quarantine depending on the situation. The second highest majority of women said they would definitely not meet a guy face to face until the quarantine is lifted. Why meet face-to-face when such good things are coming out of video dating?
Video dating allows us to put the physical on hold and go deep if we let it, says Julie. But the use is starting to fade in some groups because they don't know if they will ever get to meet the other person so it feels pointless to continue having virtual conversations. It’s important to remember that this is an opportunity to let something special build.
If you are thinking about meeting a guy face-to-face during quarantine, consider how many first dates are actually a success. Use this time to go deeper online first.
Marni recommends asking yourself ‘what’s the rush?’. What else are you doing? If you put your health at risk would you regret it more than just waiting to meet someone? If there is a connection now the connection will be there in a month.
Yae shares an example of how she customizes her dating experience on Zoom. She changes her virtual background to an exciting destination. She dresses like she is really visiting the exotic locale based on the weather forecast and asks her date to do the same. It’s a fun way to escape and charm your date.
Julie says she has reconnected with an old beau and has experimented with virtual sex which has been beneficial to the relationship. She says a lot of people are throwing virtual sex parties right now.
Video dating is a great way to have an adult conversation without fearing the sexual tension that goes along with physical closeness.
Toxic people can also come back into your life because people get lonely during quarantine. If an ex starts texting again ask yourself these questions:
Julie and Yae started a blind date experiment before quarantine. There is one guy and three women. The guy had to speak with all three women three nights in a row and Julie and Yae gave him some conversation prompts designed to initiate deeper conversations. There was no baseline information such as age, race, height, etc. They wanted to see what connections could be made without the physical aspect.
The guy had to pick one woman to meet in person and it wasn’t who the ladies of Dateable didn’t think it would be.
A lot of people make their decision about someone just after one date, but with this experiment, the participants knew they had a minimum of three dates so they invested more time in getting to know one another.
Julie's takeaway from the Love is Blind experiment is that there is something nice about just having audio, no visual because it causes you to deeply listen to the other person and to be present with them.
The problem with online dating though is that people think they have enough information to judge someone. Superficial presets on dating apps are all surface level. We don't know if the other person is funny, caring, honest, etc. It causes people to pay more attention to the physical but the Love is Blind experiment allows daters to get past all that.
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In our lifetime we have never before seen supermarket shelves empty. We may emotionally react to the perception of scarcity by hoarding food and binge eating. And, working from home so close to your refrigerator can be daunting. To discover how we can have a positive relationship with food during this pandemic Marni welcomes Registered Dietician/Nutritionist, Paige Smathers to the Den. Paige helps people heal their relationship with food and their body. She specializes in chronic dieting addiction recovery, eating disorders, and the family eating dynamic. Her approach to nutrition and health is grounded in mindfulness and is rooted in intuitive eating and health at every size. Paige is the owner of Positive Nutrition where she offers mentorship and coaching.
Key takeaways from this episode:
What a shock it is to our system when we go to a grocery store only to find the shelves empty. We are not accustomed to not having enough food. We respond to these things by hoarding or buying in bulk. It has triggered a fear of scarcity in our entire society.
And in our dieting culture, we make self-imposed cycles of trying to manipulate our bodies when it comes to food but during this pandemic, we are not in control of it.
Paige reminds us that nothing about what is going on right now is normal. So, how do we shift? If we can make our eating as normalized as possible it will give us the best chance at nourishing our bodies so we stay healthy and function properly. She recommends staying within a normal diet as much as possible.
There is some room for enjoying food and tasting new things. We don't have to be ashamed to get pleasure or joy from food.
It's time to stop that and accept that cooking can connect us to our culture and our families. We need that now more than ever.
And, one of the biggest mistakes we make is to believe that it is wrong to enjoy food. We should enjoy preparing it, light a candle, play some music. Make it an enjoyable experience.
There is a lot to Intuitive Eating. It can be tricky to understand what it means. especially if you come from a diet mindset. It is nuanced but it is about deciding how you want to feel and how you want to function.
Having a happy, healthy relationship with food is less about following rules; it's more about finding a way to approach food that works for you.
There is freedom in waking up to the fact that your body is wise. You will get the carbs your body needs. Your body will get it whether you give it to it in consistent, balanced meals or through bingeing at night. There is real wisdom in liberalizing your rules about food. We just need to tune in. Paige warns against micromanaging eating. It is the micromanaging that leads to bingeing, overeating, or dysfunction.
Tapping into your self-compassion is the key to intuitive eating. Ask yourself these questions to move forward with a peaceful relationship with your body and food:
Asking yourself these questions makes it easy to separate the manipulative way you may approach food and help to ground yourself into a reasonable. intuitive, kind, gentle, balanced approach. It can strip away that negative, punitive thought process we often have about feeding ourselves.
Many people are now working from home and they are not accustomed to having their food so close. A lot of women are concerned about their families, their work, and what will happen tomorrow so they find themselves emotionally eating.
Paige says not to worry emotional eating is a normal human thing. Food is inherently emotional. It does bring joy, connection, and goodness into our lives. The more we try to deprive ourselves of that the more disconnected we will be to the things that really matter.
She adds, “One big mistake people make is approaching emotional eating from a place of never doing it and if they do it they feel they must feel super guilty about it. All that ends up doing is perpetuating the cycle of 'I better get it all in because I will be better tomorrow. I will never do it again.’ That thinking is what pushes them toward bingeing every time.”
It sounds counter-intuitive but the paradox here is that the more you give yourself permission to enjoy the yumminess of life the more reasonable you can be around those foods.
Emotional eating can bring a moment of joy into your world so it's ok to sit down and have some of what you love.
Be gentle with yourself when you work from home. It's a different transition. Check-in with your self-compassion. Give yourself permission to have a bit of structure. Block off time in your day to eat meals. and eat satisfying, full, legitimate meals. Not just a quick handful of something.
Having a routine and structure around eating is important for you to function optimally especially during the pandemic.
Satisfaction and satiation are part of this philosophy. Paige recommends putting food on a plate and eating it. It works from a physiological and psychological perspective.
If you are sitting down to boring food that makes you want to barf it's not sustainable and you will pendulum swing into binging.
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What a crazy time to be dating! Unemployment is rising, the market is dropping, and the media is polarized. Despite all of this, now is the time to keep a clear head about your financial concerns and investments. To discuss strategies on how to reduce your fear and make decisions from a healthy, calm place Marni speaks with Bobby Mascia, the Founder, and CEO of Greenridge Wealth Planning, an Independent Financial Planning Firm that specializes in financial planning, investment management for businesses, and individuals throughout the US.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The Coronavirus has caused mass unemployment, closed businesses, and is causing anxiety as the worldwide health crisis continues to spread. Financial markets are reacting to the numbers but some people aren’t concerning themselves with the recession they are focusing on the good deals they can now invest in. Bobby says that times like these are why we devise a holistic plan and a financial strategy to make you whole from now through retirement.
Ask yourself:
Based on his sources, Bobby thinks it could be 6-weeks to 6-months before we see real progress on a vaccination. And, for the markets to start shifting. He recommends having 6-months of cash assets set aside for emergencies like the current pandemic.
Bobby says when looking for any advisor there are two important characteristics they should embody:
The right financial advisor is a fiduciary advisor. This means that the advisor must have your best interest in mind. A word of warning is that commission-based advisors may have a conflict of interest. Make sure your advisor is transparent about their processes.
Bobby, Greenridge Group uses a well-planned Life Map system to ensure clients get what they want from their financial future.
Consider what your resources are and what your advisor can do to help you attain your life goals.
Your Financial Advisor should lay out a life-long investment plan for you and always have your best interest in mind.
Money is one of the largest causes of arguments in relationships. If a relationship is not financially secure the stress will be felt in other areas of your life. Bobby says it is important to discuss how money was handled in your partner’s childhood home. Marni says it is important to understand your partner’s financial philosophy by the third or fourth date.
You have to decide if money is a determining factor in whether or not you can be happy with the other person? There are things you can put in place to mitigate problems but it comes down to how much the person with the debt or bad spending habits is willing to change.
Shared accounts can cause issues. Each person should have their own bank account.
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The concept of social distancing doesn’t seem to bode well for creating romance and connection. But, during this time we have a unique opportunity to enrich our lives and the lives of others. To discuss different strategies of how we can grow in heart, mind, and spirit, Marni welcomes Dating with Dignity’s Master Coach and Guru of the 5-Keys program, Sherrie Toews and our Director of Training and Master Coach Tessa Alburn into the Den.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Tess Alburn says the number one thing we ladies can do to keep ourselves positive during this unintended slow time is to be present. Focus on what is happening at the moment. No what if's, or thoughts about what was. We are alive and today is beautiful!
There are several ways to stay present:
Sheri adds that it is important to stay focused on self-appreciation and what feels good in our bodies. Be curious and creative if your usual routine is not enough. Take baby steps but try new things while keeping structure in your life.
Be careful not to make up stories about what you think you can't have or can't do. Routines will support you. You haven't lost control and you still have choices.
Don't fall down the rabbit hole of disempowerment and into a victim mentality. Give yourself a smile.
Marni reminds us to be intentional about creating intimacy and connection during social distancing. There are ways to create new or enrich current relationships, even our relationship to self.
Practice these three suggestions:
Virtual dates will likely become part of the new normal, at least for now. It’s easy to make the most of it while having fun and creating deep connections. In the last podcast episode, Mike Goldstein told us the process of asking for a virtual date. Now it’s time to get creative.
Give yourself permission to be playful and risk it. Let yourself be sweet to someone.
Social distancing offers a unique opportunity to turn inward and deal with your internal stuff. Anytime you feel challenged by the stillness, practice some emotional self-care. Start by acknowledging your feelings. Be honest about your fears and anxieties and give yourself permission to let them go.
Be generous during this time and generate some love.
Ask yourself ‘why does what I am feeling make sense?’ If you are critical or self-sabotaging yourself now, practice being an observer and stop judging yourself. Your inner critic may yell at you but if you stay in non-judgment you can calmly choose the next step.
Talk to your body parts to understand how you may be holding on to stress from unexpressed feelings.
Generosity towards oneself isn't selfish. It helps us learn to receive and to create a loving relationship. Choose something daily to be generous to yourself with. It could be 15-min or an hour. Consider who you want to become? Ask yourself what your high ideals are. What do I care about?
Being generous to others in this time of need can lift your spirits and the spirits of another person. A good example of things you can do is to color your own hair but send a check to your hairdresser.
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Dating Den Podcasts #83, #104, and #155 with Sherrie Toews and Tessa Album
The coronavirus pandemic has changed the way we live, work, and date but we all still crave connection and relationship. Our approach to dating apps and, dating in general, requires a gentle shift to accommodate the isolative guidelines. To inform us of how we can still find a high-quality man online and build more connection through a process of virtual dates Marni welcomes the #1 online dating expert in America, Mike Goldstein to the Den. Mike is a private dating coach, public speaker, and author. His work has been featured on the Today show and in Reader’s Digest.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Mike and Marni both recommend staying away from the doom and gloom. You can keep yourself informed without drowning in the negative aspects of what is happening. You can let your circumstances dictate your vision or you can let your vision guide you during this time.
Marni thinks that for women this is an especially awesome time to do virtual dating. Mike says it's a great opportunity to use virtual dating to focus on connection. When dating or meeting someone new, women often want connection before sex. The pandemic and quarantine are forcing us to go through the dating process. It gives us the time to find out if you are compatible with the other person.
Make an effort to really get to know each other on your virtual dates.
Mike shares an example of how the corona pandemic is giving one of his clients the time she always wanted. Use your time wisely and ask yourself what your future self wants?
During the coronavirus pandemic, single men and women are craving connection because we are not getting it.
It is still recommended to follow Mike’s 50/12/1 strategy on Match.com, OK Cupid, or eHarmony. Send 50 messages to guys you are interested in, 12 will say yes, and then narrow it down to one. The new ‘pandemic’ process includes asking for a 15-minute Facetime/Zoom/Skype, etc. call. Even if the call is going great, get off the call at the 15-minute mark, Mike says. Setting a boundary will give you a sense of control.
The ‘pandemic’ dating process includes some tweaks:
Just because you are not going ‘out’ on a date, put your best foot forward. Men are visual. Dress the way that makes you feel the best!
Data collecting is an important aspect of dating so why not use the time of extended virtual interactions to collect as much data as possible. Studies show that one of the top four things in terms of people getting together is proximity. So, be strategic and centralize your search radius to find a man closer to you. Mike points out that dating is already hard and it gets harder when people live far away.
Use your time wisely, try to avoid talking about the pandemic. Be different and change the topic if it comes up to something fun.
Remember, we are all going through this pandemic together for the first time. Get creative with your connection options. Suggest fun dating ideas you both can share virtually.
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For practical advice on the seven sexy habits that drive men wild, Marni welcomes the best-selling author of Project Everlasting, and creator of the Cracking the Man Code seminar, Matt Boggs into the den. Matt helps millions of people around the world understand the hearts and minds of the opposite sex and how they can attract the relationship they desire. He is a sought after dating and relationship expert. He's been featured on the Today Show, CNN, Headline News, and Oprah & Friends.
Key takeaways from this episode:
All of Matt's work revolves around supporting and empowering women in their love life. During the time of #Metoo, men have been shifting their behavior in how much attraction they are willing to show especially in certain environments. There has been a pullback from men when it comes to making the first move.
Are men afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing? Marni says ‘Yes’. Therefore, women need to make it clear they are interested so guys know it's ok to approach us and show us they are interested.
Women sometimes falsely think that men have all the power in a relationship. The truth is the woman has way more power and influence in the dating, courting, and attraction phase of the relationship. Throughout history, in relationships where there is a ton of chemistry and connection it is the woman who sends the signal and chooses the man.
To get a guy’s attention, making eye contact and smiling may not be enough. If you want to be bold beckon him over with your finger. You can be proactive AND feminine.
One of the biggest challenges in dating is when you feel attraction for another person you either overcompensate, or over demonstrate attraction for them. This is when a woman gushes over a man which is a total turn off. Men value what they earn so when a woman gushes too early it triggers something in a guy that makes them think the woman does it for everyone and therefore they are not special. It deflates the attraction.
The under is toxic to the attraction also. It's when a woman plays the ice queen as if they are not interested at all. Older and more successful women are more likely to act reserved. They may be afraid of getting hurt or they may not want to lead a guy on.
For a man to move things forward, a woman needs to demonstrate she is attracted to him. A woman's willingness to share her sexual attraction for a man is paramount. Sex is the main thing that differentiates a friendship from a romantic partnership.
In the dating game everyone is playing the same game. Rejection shouldn't stop you from playing the dating game nor should it devastate you.
Matt shares seven tactics you can use to express your sexual energy that men love. Expressing these seven things will boost a man’s attraction and desire for you.
A woman in joy is highly attractive to a man.
The number one barrier to implementing these strategies is feeling like you are leading a guy on and then that you may be disappointing or rejecting him.
When you reject a man it's not devastating to him. You are not responsible for his emotions or experience. You are simply freeing him up to find someone who is right for him. It's ok that it is just not a match. If a man approaches you and you are not interested, Matt recommends using this response “I'm flattered and I honor your courage. Unfortunately, I'm not available and I wish you the best of luck in your search for love."
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Marni welcomes Neuroscience Researcher and Creator of Neuroscience 101, Mark Waldman. Mark is the author of fourteen books including the national bestseller, How God Changes Your Brain, a book that was chosen by Oprah as a must-read. His work has been published in neuroscience and psychology journals, in Time and Forbes, and he is featured in many Youtube videos and a TEDx talk.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Mark coined the term ‘neurowisdom’ for the time when we think we are being knowledgeable. Our brains have a thinking network, a salience network, and an imagination network. The salience network is stronger in women than in men. Empathy, intuition, compassion, and self-love traits can all be attributed to the salience network. When you stimulate the salience part of your brain you balance out your creative imagination and your ability to make wise decisions.
Men, on the other hand, have a larger amygdala, which is the threat center of the brain. Research suggests that this explains why men are more aggressive in general. The thinking brain is our conscious planning mind where we carry out tasks. Mark believes that women make better leaders, therapists, and parents because of their more developed salience network. If you have a female brain your social brain is more developed.
Research shows that all mammals can be born with a male or female body but the brain develops autonomously with different hormones. It explains a lot of the conflict around gender identity.
Are you aware of the term ‘hot-headed’? Mark says that yawning is a thermal regulatory mechanism for the brain. When you yawn more cerebral blood flow circulates in your imagination center. Yawning slows down all the chatter in the thinking part of the thinking brain.
While we can’t live full-time in the empathetic part of the brain, diving into a meditative state or any form of relaxed meditative practice stimulates your salience network. Any time you take a few seconds to sit back and observe all of your rambling thoughts and feelings inside, you are creating a balance between the three networks and your motivational network.
Mindfulness practices can make substantial structural changes within the brain. But to function better right now in the moment, brief forms of meditation have an immediate effect. To become aware in an instant, download the mindfulness clock and take 10-60 seconds at a time to do a mindful yawn. This can be done at work or right before a date.
80% of the time you can take someone who has intense pain and bring their pain down to zero or one with yawning in 20 minutes.
An important way to stay calm is to pay attention to your intuition and take your fingers and stroke the palm and fingers of your opposite palm. Take a full 60 seconds to do it and become aware of the sensation and daydream.
Your imagination center puts together all kinds of thoughts and combinations of what is possible to achieve a particular goal. When you are in a relaxed mindful state of awareness you can mix your inner knowledge with outer knowledge.
When someone asks you a question, try to respond in 10 or 20 words maximum because that is all a person can consistently listen to.
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In this episode, Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down the two-day finale to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios you can use in your life to make finding a real, high-quality guy easier.
Key takeaways from this episode:
During the show when meeting Barbara, Hannah Anne walks in and wants to fit in and be liked. But Madison's actions were more cryptic. She was 3-hours late and seemed a bit harsh. There was a superficial exchange and poor communication between Barbara and Madison.
Marni asks when you are considering a long-term relationship where do you draw the line between what the family thinks and how you want to live your life? Should it be a Megan and Harry type thing when you pull out completely or some form of compromise?
Chris believes this subject should be talked about and understood by both partners before it is time to meet the family. Marni says when family is a core value it means you want to spend time with the family as a couple, share holidays, etc.
We get so caught up in being enamored with each other when dating sometimes we fail to ask the important questions like what faith or family looks like for the other person.
In the desert, Madison breaks up with Peter. She says she loves him but they live different lives. She says love is necessary but not sufficient.
Chris thinks Peter wasn't honest with himself and was trying to live up to someone else's ideals. It's attractive when someone can be open and vulnerable but Peter was setting himself up for failure.
Marni notes that Peter has a belief that love conquers all and if you love someone you can get through anything. But, Madison was not willing to compromise anything and Peter would have had to compromise himself completely. She thinks Peter’s family has a different way of expressing his faith that is a bit rigid.
When deciding on a long-term partner you might want to be flexible about your non-negotiables.
After Madison breaks up with Peter he decides he doesn't want to lose Hannah Anne. But is it really about love?
Marni points out that Peter knows Hanna Anne is a great person but he may not be over his ex. She shares how a situation like this may have been handled better and the different options Peter could have used to be more open, honest, and vulnerable. Peter is falling into the trap of loving anyone who loves him to get validated.
For Peter, the feeling of love is a feeling of being challenged, and that is an unhealthy way to experience love. Both he and Hannah Anne are people pleasers.
If you identify with this pattern, Marni says that should be the number one issue to address to improve your relationships.
Out of the women on the show, Marni thinks that possibly Kelsey and Peter may be a match because of their shared emotional immaturity.
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Marni welcomes Editor, Author, and Writing Coach, Shawna Kenney into the den to discuss her award-winning memoir I Was a Teenage Dominatrix and to explain how writing out our journey can lead to a deeper understanding of ourselves. Shawna edited Marni’s book, How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates and she is a contributing editor of Narratively magazine and an instructor at UCLA Extension Writers Program.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Shawna shares the details about the job that funded her college life. She answered an ad in the newspaper and without much sexual experience she worked for six years as a dominatrix in Washington, DC.
After becoming a journalist, she found herself telling stories around the office. Her story was different than the other memoirs she read at the time. For Shawna, being a dominatrix was a means to an end. She was free of drugs and alcohol and she wasn't ashamed of what she did. Her narrative was different from others.
Shawna says ’writing your story allows you to reflect. The stories we hold are curated. We are the editors of our own story. It gives us a chance to look back at the facts of our lives and consider our strong points and have compassion for ourselves.
As a writing coach and teacher, Shawna says that when writing the first drafts of our stories we sometimes miss our strengths. It is helpful to have a coach or have others read the story to point our strengths out. When we are the reader and the writer we look for negative aspects instead of the positive.
Other people can pull things out of your story that you may have missed because you were too busy living it to notice.
In a process she calls ‘Reframing It’ Shawna describes how we can start the writing process. Take one story and write it all out and then go back a few days later and write a second version with more compassion for the characters involved. Notice the changes with subsequent edits. You can tell the same story in a hundred different ways.
Psychological studies show that people who have themes of personal agency and exploration in their own stories have higher levels of well-being and less depression.
If you are having trouble getting started, consider what therapy would cost and consider the benefits of therapeutic writing. Unless you are thinking of publishing, it doesn't matter how good you are. Find little bits of time. Take a class. Writing is a skill that can be sharpened and honed.
Shawna describes the hero’s journey. The hero hears a call to adventure which requires them to leave home where they encounter mentor figures. They form allies and friendships, then they encounter problems and enemies but through their experience, they are reborn and transformed by encountering new challenges and obstacles. They return home transformed and resurrected.
It's a good exercise to see yourself as a hero of your journey and then seeing yourself as a character on the page. It helps you to identify your strengths.
Experiences shape us and they are all valuable. Even if you are hurting at first because of them you will find later they are valuable. You may even thank them.
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Marni goes deep in this episode uncovering the factors that contribute to emotional trauma and how they may be holding us back in dating and relationships. Her guest, Dr. Besel van der Kolk is a clinical doctor, researcher, professor, and author who specializes in post-traumatic stress. His book, The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma is a New York Times Science bestseller.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Dr. Besel van der Kolk says that in nature when you are under threat the brain activates your fight or flight system. If it doesn't work, the system shuts down kind of like playing dead. Most of the decisions our brain makes are unconscious. Be hungry, sleepy, liking someone, or not liking someone these are feelings you can not control. All the core human processes are unconscious, automatic processes and reactions.
It affects our ability to create connection and intimacy profoundly. It may be an extreme reaction to traumas and triggers from long ago. The first step to overcoming unconscious reactions is to become aware of how you are responding.
Listen to your body and uncover the source of your feelings.
In his book, Dr. Besel van der Kolk relates the automatic signaling in the brain to a smoke detector. The more trauma you have in your life the more sensitive your 'smoke detector' is. So, how would you know if your smoke detector is hyperactive? Are you needlessly shutting people out or shutting down emotionally because of a hyperactive smoke detector?
Friends and companions are in our lives to keep us in check. We need each other. Humans are social animals. We depend on the feedback of our friends and companions to keep us from getting stuck in a circle of shame and humiliation.
Why isn’t traditional talk therapy or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy enough to heal our childhood wounds? Dr. van der Kolk says “Telling people how messed up they are doesn't really help. We are fundamentally body-based. You need to get to know your body and work on making your body feel safe. Learning yoga can be very helpful to take stock of the body.”
Allow yourself to feel what that child went through how he or she did to survive. Create a loving relationship with the wounded parts of yourself.
The job of therapists is to help people to go to the scary places and deal with trauma. There are several different techniques to help calm the brain such as EMDR and neurofeedback.
If you are in a crisis and you have someone to listen to you. It can be helpful to you in the short term. For the long-term, you need to go deeper.
Our brain is a map of our world. If a brain was formed in a hostile environment or abusive household it expects to end up in more abusive situations. Coming to terms with the past while being grateful for the survival skills it offered can help us to wake up for the present and heal.
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Are you one of those women that has ‘tried everything’...
Have you Googled and Youtubed and researched your way into the deepest recesses of... WTF am I doing wrong when it comes to MEN and dating and relationships?
And nothing works for you.
And now you’ve resigned yourself to the fact that LOVE isn’t in the cards for you... and you’re sort of cool with that because your life is great.
Right?
But deep down, there’s still a glimmer of hope. A wish. That somehow miracles do happen and you will magically, serendipitously, stumble into... the one?
Good thing you’re here.
We’ve been working with women just like you since 2006, and we know exactly why nothing you’ve done has worked.
And more importantly, we know the one thing you can do that will instantly change your results... so that you can write your own epic love story, after all.
You see, every article, every blog post and every video ever created by well meaning coaches, to help women find love... is missing the one thing that actually creates results.
And even if you know the ‘secret strategy’... the one that helps smart women find a loving, committed relationship with their ideal quality man, (and we do)...
Nothing will work unless you also have, THIS.
What’s the Secret?
The secret is living in your integrity with who you really are. Not the reactive you, or the you who was hurt or heart-broken or put a wall up to protect herself, but the loving you. The one who knows she is lovable and worthy of love. The one who knows she is connected to the universe. The one who is so worth taking a stand for and what she believes in. This is about being truly authentic and getting to be a full expression of who you are. When you can live in integrity with and honor the values of that YOU, everything changes.
The whole experience for you, and how men experience you, is going to be a night and day difference. The quality men you want are finally going to see you and pursue you for a relationship. The important people in your life are going to bring you more love. The universe is going to bring you opportunities and synchronicities.
And, you’ll be able to make decisions in a way that is in alignment with who you want to be, and it’s so much easier.
You’ll just know that you are where you're supposed to be. You won’t be making that up from your brain and trying to rationalize your life. You’ll actually feel it, you’ll know it. And that is a powerful place to be. You’ll be able to choose with love. Then the decisions that you make, you’ll make with a clarity that it’s coming from your truth. You’ll have a compass and you'll never be lost again. And you’ll get to apply all of this naturally and in an organic way. To who? Everyone and everything you touch in the world because you're coming from your deepest being.
That’s what happens when you’re living in your integrity and it underlies everything we do as a company.
How We Found Our Truth and Leaned Into Our Integrity As a Company
When the coaching and self-help industry exploded, anyone could market themselves as an expert online, (and still can). It became the ‘virtual’ Wild West. This gave rise to some great, highly qualified coaches, and some not so qualified. The market became saturated with self-proclaimed experts that had produced zero results. Coaches raced to sell the most ‘information’ products. But none focused on results, on creating real transformation that changes lives. Especially in the dating and relationship niche.
We fell into the trap of offering information. Without focusing on our clients’ results. Ultimately, it was out of integrity with who we were as a company. That inspired us to become a high-touch coaching business. A company 100% committed to creating amazing outcomes for our clients. We stopped providing endless products and services and focused only on what we know creates real change. And that’s when everything changed for us as a business.
Today, after more than a decade in the industry, we have a proven system that gets tangible results. We change our clients’ lives.
According to a market study, 80 percent of the women who have been working with us for a year or more are in monogamous long term partnerships with high quality men. In addition, 100% of our clients who have worked with us in our year long program experienced greater overall life and work satisfaction, based on analysis of 14 key areas of life including: intimacy and relationship, leadership ability, productivity, work/life balance and communication skills.
We help our clients find lasting love, and for every client we touch, it creates a ripple effect in their life. We bring more love into the world one person at a time through relationships – which is our mission as a company.
Not only have we developed a core proprietary process that delivers, we are also committed to creating global social change to empower women and promote mental health annual through fundraising projects that have generated more than $500,000 in the last four years.
And, we know that what truly makes us different in the crowded marketplace is that we thrive on integrity and CARE in all that we do, providing compassion towards our clients, holding our clients and team accountable for measurable, specific results, providing research based transformation, and exclusivity, meaning that we only work with clients we know we can help.
In a really crowded market place, it is no longer enough for us to simply acquire our audience's attention and sell them a product based on price. We are committed to being the preeminent transformational company helping women to courageously create fulfilling intimate relationships and meaningful lives.
Join Us On Facebook and Instagram for More Support
We use an inside-out, personalized, whole-self approach to help you attract a quality man that sees you and loves you… so that you can create a fulfilling, intimate relationship. If it was just about learning a script or a tip to text someone back, you wouldn’t still be stuck. We look at the underlying thoughts, beliefs, emotions and patterns that are holding you back… so you can create an extraordinary, passionate, lasting love with your ideal, high-caliber man.
We invite you to join us in our Dating Den Private Facebook Community, for a deep dive on the important dating and relationship topics that are important to you. And to join our Dating Den community on instagram (our handle is @thedatingden). And, don’t forget to keep listening to our podcast (we’re at 1mm downloads!).
Let us support you for your dating and relationship journey, so that you can create a deeply fulfilling and meaningful life.
Make a Connection:
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In this episode, Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down Episode 9 to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios you can use in your life to make finding a real, high-quality guy easier.
Key takeaways from this episode:
In episode nine, it is implied that Peter had sex with both Hannah and Victoria F. During the postcoital conversation, Victoria told Peter she loved him.
Marni says that Victoria F. felt validated by having sex and she experienced a safe feeling from it. Chris agrees, saying that most of Victoria F’s self-worth is based on her physical appearance. It’s possible she was high on hormones and that is what made her act differently after sex.
Peter seems to thrive on chaos. He may be in lust with 3 women but he doesn't know what he wants. When Victoria F. opens the door for feedback but gives away her power by asking Peter what she needs to work on. Peter avoids the conversation by saying ‘oh, nothing’.
The two things you need in a relationship are trust and commitment. And, Peter doesn’t trust Victoria F. enough to have a real conversation. Marni recommends holding off on physical intimacy while you are collecting data about a person.
We all grow up in different environments and we have mythologies of what a relationship should be. Based on Chris's life observing the relationships in his life, he thought relationships should be chaotic with abandonment, pushing and pulling with a lot of uncertainty. He grew accustomed to relationships having a lack of commitment.
Peter needs constant validation and to make sure the girls are into him. He seems to want the girls to be dependent on him. His version of love is bathed in chaos.
Marni points out that mature love doesn’t need drama. Life provides enough chaos. Think about the relationship environment you grew up in, do your current relationships create the same environment?
Peter has said that sex in a relationship is very important to him. Yet, Madison who has decided to abstain from sex until after marriage has failed to mention it to him on several dates.
If you have something big about yourself that you are holding back, like not wanting to have kids or abstaining from sex, you need to be upfront and direct about telling the other person. Maybe not on the first date, but early enough in the relationship so it doesn’t seem like a bombshell.
When Madison finally shares her truth, Peter asks her to change her values for him.
Marni says Peter reaches out for what he can’t have. He thrives on controlling the relationship. Chris wants to analyze Peter’s upbringing because he knows it was screwed up.
Make a Connection:
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Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni welcomes Certified Transformational Nutrition Coach and Women's Weight Loss Expert, Karen Martel to the Dating Den to discuss her transformational weight loss program. Kern struggled with her own health/weight issues before becoming a specialist in helping women break through the emotional and hormonal stressors we all deal with.
Key takeaways from this episode:
When it comes to mainstream dieting what we are being told is incorrect. 90% of doctors are still saying that to lose weight women need to cut their calories and work out more but that information is backward. Our bodies are programmed for survival and hardwired to eat calorie and sugar-rich foods. Hunter-Gatherers would eat as much as they could because they didn't know when they would eat again.
Based on the incorrect information women get caught in the trap of counting macronutrients and tied to a number an app spits out. It can drive them crazy because they are miserable and starving themselves. And, when our brain receives a starvation signal, it slows down the metabolism to conserve energy and fat on the body.
Newer diets like the fasting and Keto diets are ruining women's metabolisms when they don't carb cycle. It works well, to begin with, but the effectiveness stalls out. The body can not lose weight long-term through calorie restriction because we are hard-wired for survival.
For those of you who are waiting to date until you reach a certain shape, wouldn't you rather have a man fall in love with you as you are, even if you are heavier? You can't guarantee that your weight is going to change so stop living your life or go out and accept that this may be the way it is. There are men out there who will accept you for who you are.
As a Nutritionist, Karen doesn't believe in cheat days because you are only cheating on yourself. And, you want to cheat more because you have made it `bad’ in your mind. But, some women don't have control over their eating habits because eating is very emotional. There is no diet or exercise program that will help you to lose weight if you don't deal with the emotional part of why you are eating first.
Food and alcohol are quick and easy things to put in our mouths to make us feel better instantly. It doesn't last but it is instant.
Every woman is unique and it takes something different for each of us to lose weight. Diet is the number #1 factor in weight and weight loss. Karen recommends experimenting and making adjustments to your diet to see what works for you. If the food you are eating doesn’t make a change then you may have classic weight loss resistance and you need to work with your hormones (or lack of hormones) to set you straight. Facing your emotional baggage can make you lighter in so many ways.
How many women do you see in their 40's and 50's with perfect physiques? Start looking at the women who you find beautiful.
Look at all the pieces that contribute to your health and happiness and start making adjustments until you find your code. It takes time but it’s worth it when you are able to leverage your powerful, intellectual spiritual, emotionally-healthy self.
Make a Connection:
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Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden
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Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Marni welcomes a lady who excels in giving practical financial advice to her clients. Robin Da Vinci is the author of The Common Sense Guidebook to Mastering Your Money Critical Skills You Should Have Been Taught as a Kid But Never Were. She was born into financial hardship. Her experiences transformed her views on money and for 35 years she has worked as a personal money manager. Her goal is to empower the millions of us who work hard just to get by and then offering proven solutions on how to live a spectacular life on any budget.
Key takeaways from this episode:
What you were taught about money and spending leaks into every aspect of your life. Robin grew up believing, much like a Disney Princess, that someone was going to come along and rescue her. Her mother consistently promoted the idea that she had to find a man to take care of her.
She says women who are dating in their 40s or 50s, don't often look at what they have done with their money. She advises them to take the time to reconnect with all of their money interests. Do a reboot of your money to prepare for your 60s. If you want to have a relationship with someone, even a partner in business, you have to come to the table clean, or at least with honesty and say "this is my financial picture and I'm starting over".
People do not want to get screwed over by someone's financial condition they didn't know about. It’s called financial infidelity.
Later in life, many women may find themselves the breadwinner in a relationship. If you make more, you have to go to the level of the person who has less. Move toward a percentage system and put a value on things that add to the relationship that may not be income. Robin says there has to be an equalizer. No one person should have all the power over financials. Financial intimidation is a weapon of mass destruction and may ruin a relationship.
If you have the ‘money power’ you must switch your mindset into ‘we’ type thinking. Break the habit of deferring to one person. Get on track with spending ideas and annual goals. It is up to the payer to step up and bring equality to the relationship. Have common goals and visions for the future.
A critical skill to overcome your past money programming is to figure out how much you need to get through your day. Take each day to the smallest denominator, find out what your number is and start living your life in the moment instead of banking on your paycheck. Wake up every day with the knowledge of what you need for that day.
If your parents didn't talk to you about money, you need to write down how you handle your money. If you have six daily receipts review them and keep them in one place. Match your receipts up and see what you are spending.
If you are a parent, Robin recommends taking your children grocery shopping to let them see how the household money is spent. Empower your kids to have a money mindset.
Emotional impulse buying is a no-no. If you are happy, don't spend money. If you are sad don't spend money. Don't do anything during an extreme period in your life. Highs and lows are not the time to spend money.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
In this episode, Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down Episode 7 to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios you can use in your life to make finding a real, high-quality guy easier.
Key takeaways from this episode:
In episode seven, Peter is showing signs that he may not be an emotionally available man. He seems to be attracted to drama over conversations. When Kelley tells him she is having fun he seems disappointed that she isn’t more into him. When he walks Victoria F. over to the road, he says ‘I don’t mind a little crazy’.
Chris says just because a guy says something he may not actually mean it. If you are watching the show you know Peter isn't ready. His actions are not consistent with his words. When the girls turn it back on him, he freaks out. He is being in-congruent. It’s proof that you must collect data over time.
There are men who are addicted to drama and the crazy. BUT, he is not the guy who will offer a consistent, stable, and healthy relationship. If you are attracting those guys you need to stop the drama.
Ladies, don’t fall for potential. You can’t change a guy he has to want to do it on his own.
When Peter doesn’t give Kelley the rose this week, she proves she is rejection proof when she tells him he has some things to figure out and she appreciates him saving her time. She is emotionally grounded and secure. She recognizes that it’s not a match and that it’s not about her.
Chris says Kelley didn’t need to waste her time on him anyway. It’s a blessing to be rejected sometimes.
During this episode, we get to see the conversations that take place during the dates. Madison opens up about her faith, family, and what's important to her. Peter answers with an 'uh-huh'. He should have used the opportunity to ask a follow-up question.
Marni and Chris agree that Peter is leaving so much information on the table. He could simply ask one question, ‘What do mean by that exactly?’ he could have uncovered so much more. Chris is a tad annoyed with Pete continually keeping conversations at a surface level and him constantly saying ‘I love that’.
When someone shares something personal about themselves ask questions about the details.
Victoria F. is unable to articulate her vulnerability without walking away. She had an opportunity to be powerful and she came off as whiny and victimy. She is leaking her emotions all over the place. Kelley, on the other hand, isn’t interested in dramatic games.
When conversations get challenging for you how do you react? Marni says you need to be able to articulate your feelings in a way that isn't emotionally immature. Don’t walk away. Learn to handle tough conversations in a mature way.
Kelsey reveals that she is asking Peter to keep her secret. Is she playing with Peter as a dumdum dog? Is she manipulative?
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
What makes some people happy? It’s not money or fame, it’s the quality of the relationships a person has with other people. To find out how we can make dating and relationships easier to navigate and how we can create lasting change in our lives, Positive Psychologist, Researcher, and Author, Dr. Tim Bono joins Marni to discuss his book, Happiness 101: Simple Steps to Smart Living & Well-being.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Positive Psychology goes beyond the traditional psychology practice of treating disease, anxiety, and depression and works to create behaviors and mindsets to proactively build happiness in our lives.
Dr. Tim says ‘we thought the brain couldn't be changed after the age of 20-25 but in the 90s breakthroughs in science showed us that the brain can and does change over our entire lives.’ This means practicing intentional behaviors will cause the brain to rewire and restructure itself.
Studies show that one of the strongest predictors of happiness is the relationships we have with other people. Many people pursue relationships because they believe it will fix their unhappiness but it’s not when we find a partner we will become happy it's when we become happier we will attract a partner to us.
But, what small changes we can incorporate into our lives to build happiness? Dr. Tim says not to treat happiness as a destination. Making small practices over time accumulate real changes in your brain.
The most important characteristic that predicts whether a relationship has what it takes to last for the long haul is how a couple navigates conflict.
Studying the happiest people and happiest relationships show the happiest people are not happy all the time. They approach life and relationships with the understanding that to have success in life and relationships is that these things are hard. They are able to cope with conflict and deal with it head-on.
Do you find yourself scrolling until your hands hurt? It’s because social media capitalizes are our natural tendency to want to be liked by others. It releases dopamine into the brain much like an addiction. It offers a short term burst of gratification but it doesn't build long-term happiness.
Happiness requires authentic connections with real people. We are replacing real authentic connections with real people with superficial ones. It doesn't promote well-being.
Close your browser and do something else that can actually build happiness.
Ladies, your dream guy is not going to come knock on your door. If you start by doing things that make you happy you will start attracting people to you. One very important component of positive psychology is self-discipline and emotional regulation. It’s about building the psychological capacity to acknowledge temptations when they come up. Then saying no, that is not good for me right now I am going to do the behavior that is better for me.
The most effective way to change behavior is to observe it, write it down, and get an accountability partner for nonjudgmental support. If you are facing stress don’t allow it to stay in your mind. Emotions can lead to vicious thinking cycles and get blown out of proportion. The act of translating emotion into language is one of the most effective ways to gain a realistic perspective of it.
Studies show taking just 15 minutes to write down your stressors from the day engages the regions of the brain that are responsible for logic and analysis. It allows us to extract meaning and learn something from how we are feeling.
Ask yourself what can I learn from this?
In dating, people who admit their vulnerabilities, flaws, and insecurities are more approachable and leave the door open for people to find common ground and build a relationship with.
You don't want to say ‘here are all the things that are wrong with me on a first date’ but you want to be relatable.
Make a Connection:
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Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
The Integrity Advantage: Step Into Your Truth, Love Your Life, and
The Bachelor is back! Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down Episode 5 to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios that you can use in your life to make finding a high-quality guy easier.
Key takeaways from this episode:
In episode five, it’s almost as if Peter is asking the girls to tell their victim story and then rewarding them for the drama. Is he more broken than viewers want to believe? Is he attracted to women he feels he needs to save?
Marni points out that women should have this mindset… even if the guy you are dating is super cute you still don't know anything about him. Stay curious and think about what qualifying questions you have for him. Don't make up a story for him.
The Den’s frontrunner and rose recipient, Kelley, may be asking herself if Pilot Pete is good enough for her. She verbalized that she doesn't think Peter has the same level of emotional maturity as she does. Does she want to end up with someone who wallows in drama?
Chris says Peter is eroding the trust of the ladies by making out with them during every opportunity. Kelley is the first woman to inspire Peter to be a man. She didn't nag him, she just laid it out.
During the show, Kelsey cries all the time. She doesn’t hold back and won’t apologize for it. She believes she is displaying a healthy vulnerability. But, maybe it’s a defense mechanism brought about by Adderall, and wine? She says she feels powerless seeing Pete making out with the other women and her feelings for him are strong.
Chris finds it repulsive. Marni asks, “How do you express vulnerability without being gross and emotionally vomiting your unresolved issues?”
There are ways to say what you feel instead of crying. In order to be attractive to the high-quality guy, you should be able to manage your feelings in a healthy way.
Emotional intelligence is:
At the rose giving ceremony, Peter says that he feels his wife is in the room. If the ladies feel strongly for him, how should they respond? Kelsey says she loves Peter after only a few dates, should she have waited?
Chris says if you sit back and watch a guy’s actions you will know when it is safe to say ‘I love you’. Don’t say it out of your own neediness. And, even if there is no ‘exact’ right time it is definitely not after a bottle of wine and a make-out session. A guy’s words and actions will let you know when the time is right.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
Are you creating unnecessary emotional pain for yourself when dating? Do you make up reasons for why he didn’t call back when the answer is simple? Author, Motivational Speaker, and CEO of the highly acclaimed Ford Institute, Kelley Kosow joins Marni to discuss her work with the shadow process and her new book, The Integrity Advantage: Step Into Your Truth, Love Your Life, and Step Into Your Magnificence.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Kelley shares the story of meeting Debbie Ford of the Ford Institute. It came at a time when she was unsure about staying in her marriage. She attended the Ford Institute’s course on the shadow process 7 times in a row. In fact, her book, The Integrity Advantage begins on the day of her wedding. She knew she didn't love her future husband the way she should have. Getting married was just on her checklist of life goals. 15-years and three children later she realized she couldn't do it anymore.
Kelly felt like she was on an endless chase her entire life about “the 5 things that would make her perfect''. She could feel the shadow process working when she realized it wasn’t about trying to fix herself. It was about loving all of herself. So she put herself on a self-love diet.
She says the ego is limited and the universe has plans for us that are so much greater than anyone we could think for ourselves. We just need to get out of our thoughts.
Become the person you want to be. Treat yourself as well as you treat other people.
Shadow work is about putting the light of awareness on that which is in the dark. The shadow is all the traits we disown. Many of us disown our light. We disown the fact that we are fabulous and magnificent. Kelley’s definition of integrity is owning all of who you are and living in alignment with your deepest truths and grandest desires.
A lot of our shame is developed when we are under the age of 10. We create a persona who attempts to portray a person who is not in alignment with who we really are. And, that is who we show to the world. Doing that creates a lifelong fear of someone finding out that our persona is not who we are. It’s the shame that creates the shadow.
The outer world is a reflection of our inner world. If we only own 20% of who we really are. We are only going to attract 20% of what we really want.
Kelley believes that our past makes us human. It doesn't make us good or bad. It makes us human. Life is too fleeting and time is too precious to beat around the bush. Live the life you want now. Be in integrity with your true nature.
Often, we get triggered if a person we are dating doesn't want to see us again because we take it personally. The story we tell ourselves is that we are not good enough. Kelley says “the simple truth is that you went out on a date and the person didn't want to see you again. It's not personal.” When you separate the facts from the story you make up in your mind about why you are not good enough or why you are doomed you realize the person simply isn’t the right one for you.
Use a recent date as an experiment: What did you make it mean about you that he didn't call you back?
Everyone who comes into our lives is there to show us a part of ourselves that needs healing. They are part of the puzzle pieces back to our state of wholeness. People don’t come into our lives to mess things up or make us eat a gallon of ice cream, they come in to rip the bandaid off of a wound that still needs to be healed.
But, why do we make up stories? Why are we resistant to our truths? Kelley says that many people feel more comfortable as a victim. They are afraid because they are just about to face something that causes them pain. They don't want to look inward to change the outcome.
When dating, most women will try and find something wrong with their date. They are thinking about what the grand outcome will be instead of considering the next step. The answer to the question ‘how can I be engaged in the process but not be attached to the outcome?’ is to take everything one step at a time.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
The Integrity Advantage: Step Into Your Truth, Love Your Life, and Claim Your Magnificence
The Bachelor is back! Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down Episode 4 to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios that you can use in your life to make finding a high-quality guy easier.
Key takeaways from this episode:
In episode four, Pilot Pete is indecisive. He doesn't trust himself. He doesn't know what he is looking for. He seems inauthentic and wishy-washy. It doesn’t seem as if he is trying to get to know the women and he thinks he is playing it safe.
Chris says has been on both ends of the spectrum in dating. He has been the person who was too nice and he has had a girl be too nice to him. In his experience, it just causes problems for both parties. He had a friend who would ghost girls because he didn't have the balls to tell them he wasn't interested. It hurts people.
Ladies, if a guy does this to you take it as a sign that the guy is not the type of guy you want to be with anyway. It's manipulative to not speak your truth. You can't make everyone love you. A strong connection can never be formed with someone afraid of showing who they are.
During the show, Peter and Victoria F. are on a date when she sees one of her ex’s. She creates hella drama and makes the situation uncomfortable.
Marni says if this happens to you do the opposite of what Victoria F. did. Don't make it a big deal of it. Don't create the drama.
Victoria F. shut down and was too in her head to have fun. She was too worried about making Peter uncomfortable and about what he would think.
If you are honest with your date about knowing the other person, your date’s reaction will tell you a lot about him. A douchey guy will react with jealousy and rudeness. You will know you don't want to date him again.
If you are hung up on someone or not in integrity with yourself like Peter is on Hannah B. it impacts your ability to connect with other people. A high-quality guy will know that you are wishy-washy and not be interested.
Peter runs from conflict. He doesn't stand up for himself. It’s hard to decipher what he believes in because he avoids difficult conversations. Whereas Hannah B. on the Bachelorette would show up and say you guys need to stop. The right men were impressed by that. Peter lacks the confidence to set boundaries and ask for what he wants.
You can be vulnerable. take responsibility for what you want, and create connection. If you just say "I'm trying my best, I'm sorry" it doesn’t offer the other person a way forward.
Marni says if you have a complaint add 'what I need is' and state what you need.
There is a power in being specific about what your needs are.
There is power in having empathy
Chris thinks the women who are the front runners are not getting a lot of camera time because they don't pick fights or tear other women down.
Make a Connection:
Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!
Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden
Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!
Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP
Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates
The Bachelor is back! Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down Episode 3 to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios that you can use in your life to make finding a high-quality guy easier.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni and Chris discuss their winner’s bracket and Chris admits that he chose Alayah as the winner with his eyeballs. They both reflect that yes, what someone looks like makes a difference. It doesn't mean men are jerks. It is 100% true that they do have a natural attraction to the physical. Alayah is beautiful but she is sending up all kinds of red flags.
Alayah makes it apparent she is not part of the pack. All the other girls turned on her and she got the boot. She was sending a message through her conversations and actions that she didn’t have many relationships in life. Sidney says she is being phony and calculated.
Ladies, this is a lesson to be yourself. If you feel you can't be yourself when dating, if you get frustrated when dating, or you don't really want to go on a date. When you do go on a date a high-quality guy will sense it. It will feel slightly off to him.
It is best to be your true authentic self and be real about your bumps and bruises.
Pete wonders what else Alayah may be hiding. He even sought out advice from a friend because he knows deep down that something is off.
Marni asks Chris, “how do you know whether something you feel is off or whether it is something you are carrying with you from a past relationship”?
Victoria P. had another shoddy week. On her date with Pete, she seemed to throw up her childhood story in a victim-y way instead of being naturally vulnerable.
Marni notes that dirty laundry is not vulnerability. Chris says Victoria had the opportunity to tell a victim story or a hero story and she chose the victim story. He says instead of Peter thinking that she is a badass woman and that they could weather any storm with her strength he probably thought that she is still bleeding from her scars and that threw up a red flag.
Sharing your story can create connection but you have to tell how it made you the wonderful person you are today. When you tell the victim story you will attract guys who are attracted to victims.
Who you are attracted to is a reflection of where you are in your self-worth and ability to stay emotionally safe.
Kelly, the attorney, is low-key. She admits that the other girls aren’t necessarily her people and this competition isn't her scene yet makes it clear to Peter that she really likes him.
Marni and Chris point out that Kelly isn't creating drama which makes her confident and engaging.
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Marni speaks with Dating with Dignity alumni, Michelle Rosa-Littleton about her dating experiences before and after her transformation. Michelle shares the steps she took to banish her limiting beliefs, meet her short-term dating goals, and how she met her husband online.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Michelle was married for 19 years. After her divorce, she would date on and off. She even dated an old sweetheart knowing he was married. She felt she was spinning in a downward spiral and emotionally hit rock bottom.
From the outside, she looks like she had everything. Her kids were doing well. She had a great job and a house but on the inside, she felt like she was living a lie and faking her way through life.
Michelle recalls the moment everything changed. She was awarded a short phone conversation with Marni. During their conversation, Marni got right to the heart of the matter and offered Michelle three things that she could do to change her life. It gave her hope. They were the right words at the right time from the right person. She was ready. She knew she didn't want to be alone. So, she got serious about doing the work.
Michelle says the biggest hurdles to overcome were changing the notion of staying where she was and changing her limiting beliefs.
What do you gain by staying the same?
In sticking with the process, Michelle could see her transformation. She shifted her energy and regained her inner light. She began dating as her new self. She admits it felt a little outside of her comfort zone and powerful at the same time. She became more interested in what she could learn about men than dating them to see how they might meet her needs.
She recalls one man she dated, Bruce. He asked her out for New Year’s Eve and then to join him to a company function in Hawaii. They hit it off but during the trip, something didn’t feel right. After returning, Bruce didn’t call Michelle. She knew from her Dating with Dignity coursework it was better to talk it out so they could part as friends.
Michelle reopened her online profile. She had previously limited her search to the city limits but low and behold a missed connection with someone geographically close to her popped up. Michelle followed the process and decided to text, talk, and meet as soon as possible to avoid building up a relationship in her head. Casey sent her a great text. He was curious about her and he had thoroughly read her profile. Michelle agreed to a phone date and then to meet.
She says her relationship is everything she ever wanted and things she didn't know she wanted. She wants to make each day with him the best day ever. She is 100% herself around him.
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The Bachelor is back! Marni and her favorite man-panelist, Chris Gillis break down Episode 2 to pull out all the juicy nuggets you need to know. Together, they translate the show’s drama into real-life dating and relationship scenarios that you can use in your life to make finding a high-quality guy easier.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Attaining closure when a relationship ends is an important step in the process of moving on. If we truly want to move on we have to create space for a new person to occupy.
From the episode, Hannah B. shows up and talks to Peter about possibly getting back together even though he ended up being her third choice in The Bachelorette. Is he over her and ready to date other women?
Signs a guy isn’t over his ex:
Peter asks Hannah 'Do you miss me or do you miss being in a relationship?’
It's a valid question. Chris doesn’t think Peter is emotionally available and over her yet. But, Peter says he’s not sure he knows how to get over someone.
The Bachelor demonstrates many different ways women try to get Peter’s attention. It’s not realistic that there will always be 30-women fighting for one guy. But, it does give a clear picture of how the women deal with adversity and failure.
For example, Victoria acts like a two-year-old when she doesn't get her way. It gets Peter's attention at first but it's not a good long term play.
Chris notes, the person you are going after will notice when things go awry. Men are constantly thinking about what if’s. We want to make sure our partner has the mental toughness and positive outlook to make it through the hard times.
For example, the champagne scene has a lot of drama. Hannah Ann - handled it well, she said I’m sorry. A little emotional maturity goes a long way.
If you want to circumvent drama, just say ok and let things go.
When Kelsey gets her champagne taken she sets herself up as a victim and she gives her power away to Hannah Ann.
Chris thinks the powerless, whiny victim act will turn Peter away. Managing conflict is one of the most important pieces in having a solid relationship.
Chris and Marni have made brackets and picked who they think will win Peter’s heart. But, as each episode passes more and more aspects of the girl’s character will unfold.
Chris thinks Peter is smitten with Hannah Ann but thinks hottie, Alayah’s chances are good. Marni points out that Hannah Ann stirs up drama. He also thinks Madison the basketball player is badass and she is a winner. He also likes Madison because she is trying to get to know Peter instead of just being admired like Hannah Ann.
High-quality guys want women to think they are interested in them and to be curious about them. They are motivated by their egos.
Marni chose Hannah Ann to win but the drama is a red flag. She thinks Kelley will stick around and that she won’t get involved in the drama. She seems to have a high level of self-worth.
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In this energizing episode, Marni speaks with Dr. Ken Harris about the power of synchronicity and how you can use it to attract the one. Dr. Ken is an author, chiropractor, educator, lecturer, and founder of the Waldwick Wellness Center, an all-natural health and wellness center. Dr. Ken is a pioneer in holistic healing who has dedicated his whole life to the mind, body, spirit connection.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Carl Yung defined synchronicity as meaningful coincidences. Dr. Ken says that it is not always easy to connect the dots when synchronistic events are happening but in retrospect you connect the dots and become aware of the connection. Those who are really tuned in may notice it extemporaneously.
Dr. Ken believes that everyone he meets is a teacher or guide for him. ‘God’ is in every person you encounter. They all have something to give you. If you want to increase the amount of synchronicity in your life talk to strangers. He says a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet. Ladies, in dating, taking the time to meet more people is totally worth it.
Is it my gut leading me or is fear triggering me?
Dr. Ken says it doesn’t matter. If you have an emotional reaction to a person there is a piece of you that you have not loved yet that is being reflected back to you from that person. If you are triggered, ask yourself 'What part of me have I not loved yet?' Triggers are strong attractions or repulsions.
You will attract people into your life who can not give you what you need to make you learn it for yourself.
Dr. Ken shares three of the seven unique qualities of each synchronicity types from his book, Synchronicity: The Magic. The Mystery. The Meaning.
Dr. Ken says you have to be thankful, or have the spirit of thankfulness because if you are miserable you can miss the synchronicity happening around you. If you are frustrated, in victim mode, or doubting your dating life you may be blocking synchronicity.
When you have strong intentions it creates an electrical impulse. If you have elevated emotions connected to your thoughts, your emotions become magnetic . You create an electro-magnetic arc that emanates from your body that says - send me who I need to meet.
Daily practices to activate synchronicity:
Synchronicity can be created by you and it can be, by grace, given to you.
When we love ourselves enough we know that it is a pleasure for others to meet us. When we feel good about ourselves we are open to the giving and receiving of information. Dr. Ken warns us to not believe your negative self-talk is telling you. Make sure your internal conversations assist with your growth. Your energy will eventually change.
The biggest misunderstanding of synchronicity is that people don't realize the importance of it. The educated mind will try to talk you out of it and make you believe there is no meaning in synchronicity, don't pay attention to it.
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Get a Free User’s Guide to Synchronicity: The Magic. The Mystery. The Meaning.
Marni gets some advice about dating and sex from an attractive, married Counselor and Priest. Christain Anderson is back to share a man’s perspective about women who will and women who won’t. He founded LetsTalkDatingOnline.com and was also an original man panelist way back when and a former self-professed commitment-phobe. He now helps couples lead healthy spirit-filled relationships and his Youtube channel, Your Favorite Christian, and his podcast, A Priest and a Rabbi, focuses on relationships and faith.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Christian went through his personal journey of dating as a Quality Casual guy before getting married and joining the priesthood. He says that women who are dating will meet these three types of men.
The Hunter — the guy who gets excited about the hunt. He will do whatever needed to get 'the kill' (sex or just a phone number), feels satisfied with himself and then the thrill is gone.
The Player — basically the guy who is all about playing the field. Moving from one game to the next.
The Quality Casual — this guy is more upfront with you. He tells you the truth about where he is in his life and he warns you not to get attached.
Christian works with women who are learning their value when it comes to sex. He says “if you realize you are empowered, you can change the trajectory of how your relationship will go.”
An empowered woman is a woman who sets the rules by stating her values and describing what she wants from a relationship. So, before having sex be sure you feel emotionally safe with the guy and his values match what you are looking for.
When should a woman share their values about having sex? What if they are in the middle of making out?
Christian recommends building an air of mystery during the first three dates. Even if you have a great first date, if he leans in for a kiss tell him you would love to kiss him but you would feel more comfortable getting to know him better. He will feel you are special. Invite him into your awesome but bide your time.
Why are we are willing to open up our legs or offer the most intimate parts of ourselves yet we are afraid to talk about our values with men?
Christian points out that couples who are honest, transparent, and have open communication are better at dealing with conflict resolution and avoid pitfalls.
The most successful married couples are the ones who communicate well with each other. It's a learned skill set.
If a man is emotionally mature, he will be turned on by a woman’s confidence and appreciate that she loves herself and knows her value. Christian says women should speak their truth in an inviting way.
Start by discussing how you feel instead of what you think.
First, say what you feel and then express what you need.
Sometimes a guy is going through his own stuff, it's often not about you. When you have the conversation about sex and he doesn't want to go that way it may be because he is on his own journey. Don't take it personally.
Waiting is a great filter to weed out non-high-quality guys and guys who aren’t ready for a relationship.
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In this inspiring conversation, Marni speaks with a friend and client, Jill about her experience of a divorce she wasn’t ready for and the shift that happened when she reclaimed her identity.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Jill was living a normal married life. She had two kids and had a decent relationship with her husband of 26 years. One day her husband told her he didn’t want to be married any longer. She was taken back. Jill realized her entire identity had been built around her marriage and family. She had never thought about who she was without those things in her life.
Jill discovered Dating with Dignity through a family member. As soon as she began she saw the value. She says she felt like a sponge learning everything she could about herself through the program. She learned to be vulnerable and to face her vulnerability straight on. She confronted her worthiness and confidence with an open mind. She got clear about who she really was and discovered her ‘New Who’.
Jill had fun when she started dating again. Her depression lifted and she was ready to tackle life again. Even when her Ex came back three times, she knew she wanted a man who was more evolved emotionally. Her inner voice became stronger leading her towards a relationship that felt good instead of just a relationship.
Jill’s advice to other women who find themselves uncertain of their future after a divorce is to always be open and curious and to not be concerned about the outcome when dating. She says vulnerability is your friend, don't be scared of it. And, have the strength and courage to move forward because there is nothing to be scared of.
The benefit of doing the program was getting to know herself and learning to accept all parts of herself. She needed direction and the course allowed her to go deeper and deeper into who she was.
The by-product of her divorce and taking the course is having a wonderful boyfriend.
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