Marni and Chris chew on all the juicy morsels that were this week’s Bachelor in Paradise which was hands-down the most interesting and real-life episode so far. The examples on the show prove you can have an amazing date one night and have another amazing date with someone else the next night.
Takeaways from this episode:
Learn not to take things personally
It takes some people longer to process how they feel
What real-life Dating with Dignity looks like #BeAVictoria
Infatuation and chemistry are not values
The big switch took place in Casa Amor this week. Contestants have shuffled around and landed with different people to date. Surprisingly, none of the guys said anything negative about the girl they decided to quit seeing.
When you are contemplating why someone didn’t ask you out on another date, maybe it’s not that all men are malicious or there is something wrong with you, it could just be they found a better connection with someone else. Don’t take it personally.
Shanae perfectly portrays what not to do when someone doesn’t want to date you anymore. Hint… she went ballistic.
Chris asks Marni why some people take themselves emotionally out of the market too early, like Jill who is leaving. Could be the producers asked her to leave since she has dated most of the guys already and there is no love connection with Jacob.
Both Marni and Chris agree Victoria is the quintessential Dating with Dignity woman. She keeps her cool. She knows what she wants and she stays open to listening to what a guy wants. If every woman dated like Victoria is dating there would be peace on earth.
She knows Johnny is an F-boy who doesn’t want to be engaged at the end of the season. Yet, she asks him open-ended questions that seem to make him uncomfortable. She is listening for the truth. This helps her weed out guys who don’t share her values and don’t check her boxes and allows her to move on to find someone whom she can have a future with.
Ladies, when you feel a strong physical attraction to someone or become unnerved when they don’t text, ask yourself if you are feeling a healthy adult love or an unmet childhood need for love.
Sometimes people confuse physical chemistry with 6th-grade butterflies or high school drama.
Ladies, if someone says no to you, don’t take it personally. Think about if he is really even your person before getting emotional. Is he a person of value? Is he your equal? How is he treating you? Slowly going through these questions will make things clearer and take the emotion out of the equation.
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Glenn Sandifer joins Marni in the Life Check Yourself studio to help successful women find a man that matches their drive, ambition, and expectations. Glenn has over 20 years of experience in field sales and marketing. He says success in the workplace is often at odds with intimate relationships. He understands how busy people can enjoy their work but fail to build or maintain healthy personal connections outside of office hours. They discuss his book, Middle Ground: How to Get Great Dating Outcomes in a Modern World.
Takeaways from this episode:
How to define your type
Relationship expectations of high-quality, successful women
How to find a HENRY (high-earner not rich yet)
How to identify seasons in a relationship
Is it time to take the lead or be the helper?
Empowered at Work, Disempowered in Relationship [1:50]
Many women express their concerns about dating in the workplace. The challenge these high achievers have is they get tangled up in relationships that don’t meet their expectations.
Successful women often find themselves lingering with F-boys or the modern man. Modern women usually get with modern men but most modern women don’t want a modern man, they want a traditional man. Modern women are uncertain about what they want in a relationship. They believe they want a relationship to be 50-50, yet they have certain expectations about what role the man should play. And, traditional men generally don’t look for modern successful women.
High-value men are HENRYs: High-Earners Not Rich Yet.
In his book, Glenn defines a male persona as someone who takes care of a successful woman but doesn’t have any drive of his own. A successful woman will wait around for the male to step up but it simply wastes her time. The spirit of sacrifice and the spirit of duty necessary for a sustainable relationship are things most 25-year-old guys don’t have.
Glenn notes that some of the best relationship outcomes occur when there is a Leader and a Helper in all aspects of a relationship. At times, a woman leads and other times she helps, and vice-versa. Marni shares an example of clients who have difficulty shifting old paradigms of the leader/helper roles. Clients may say things like, “He is supposed to take this role.” Often, women have expectations that men should always take the lead.
Glenn’s personal view is that a lot can be learned from the Bible. He says there is a set of beliefs in the Bible, to guide us toward relationship success.
To be in a long-term, sustainable, committed relationship, we have a long view. There are seasons we go through but everything shifts and changes with time.
We all need to be intentional about our communication. Generally, when there is trouble in a relationship, we find that communication has been inauthentic and unclear.
Many times women want men to lead the conversation about where things stand in a relationship.
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The Middle Ground: How To Get Great Dating Outcomes in a Modern World, by Glenn Sandifer
Marni and Chris Gillis shine a light on the often hidden dating lessons from the latest episode of Bachelor in Paradise. This episode is a treasure trove of real-life riches for people who want a successful, long-term relationship.
Takeaways from this episode:
The difference between telling your sad tale and being vulnerable
How to avoid activating your unmet childhood needs
Be rejection-proof
Don’t chase a man
Be the person you want to attract
You Are More Than Your Trauma [3:40]
To dispel the common dating no-no of making a tragedy the basis of your connection, especially on the first date, BIP producers brought in a woman they thought would have something in common with Michael. The move made Marni physically cringe. The theory is that BIP producers really liked Michael A., who lost his wife four years ago to breast cancer, and in an effort to get him to stay on the show, they brought in Danielle. Danielle lost her husband to suicide eleven years ago. It is an unhealthy way to start a relationship!
Trauma dumping is not being vulnerable.
Michael A., your supposed vulnerability is really lightly-veiled manipulation. Not cool brother. If you resonate with Danielle’s plight to not be a therapist for the rest of her life, run away from sad tale singles.
The ‘big switch’ in this episode led to an overabundance of tears and the hysteria the ladies produced is insane. They have only known the guys for a short period and have already formed the idea that the guys are “theirs.”
Chris admits that even though males get involved in fast-forward relationships without thinking it through, the women who live in scarcity and need to fall in love are sabotaging their dating life.
You have to be engaged and interested in a man without getting attached. If you are not careful you will activate your unmet childhood needs.
Having self-worth makes you rejection-proof and resilient.
During the BIP episode, when the new women are introduced, the original women seemed overly distraught, but none as much as Lace. She walks down to the beach looking for Rodney, only to find him with a new girl. Ladies, big lesson here, if a guy does not respond to a message, Do Not chase him down.
This show is a great example of how to cultivate relationships when your ego-self is leading the way. Resolving your core issues is key to improving your dating life.
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Marni and Chris Gillis break down the double-whammy that was Bachelor in Paradise. So many juicy lessons in this episode about non-negotiables, emotional unavailability, prima donnas, and F-boys! If you are in the dating pool and consistently not meeting the right guys, tune in and chill out.
Takeaways from this episode:
Beauty fades and money is never enough
Love language connection
How to express what you need
Being more than your story
What to do when a date is not a match
This episode of Bachelor in Paradise revealed some perfect examples of ladies who have unrealistic expectations about what a guy needs to do in dating. A guy can be interested in a woman without being a slobbering mess and falling all over her. A woman who needs constant validation of her lovability and worth doesn’t make a good partner.
Hey Genevieve and Shanae, if a guy doesn’t treat you like Disney princesses you don’t have to turn into witches!
When starting to date someone and they don’t show up as “perfect,” understand that “perfect” is not realistic and realize that now is the time to train the person how you want to be treated.
Both Marni and Chris agree that Michael A. is an emotionally unavailable jerk. If you don’t remember, Michael was on the Bachelor but left because his son missed him and now he is on Bachelor in Paradise.
In the very first episode, Michael seemingly lays his soul on the line to Sierra. He got emotionally naked with her and then when she opened up to him he put on the brakes saying the relationship was moving too fast and that he just wants to be friends.
Marni says it clearly demonstrates that Michael is emotionally unavailable. Chris says Michael slammed his foot down on the vulnerability pedal and it’s bullsh*t. He started by speaking her love language and then pulled an f-boy move.
Even if Sierra was coerced into just leaving the relationship, she should have asked what Michael meant when he said things were moving too fast.
Don’t let your story be all you have to offer a partner.
How to Put on the Brakes [31:17]
There is no way to reform an F-Boy. So, when it is time to bow out after a date how do you do it? Marni explains how a girl can control the pace of dating and the overall relationship. She says — if you are on a date and it is not going well, you do not owe the other person anything. Even if they paid for the meal, brought flowers, etc.
The best way to bow out after dating is to be direct and tell the other person they are not your match.
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Marni and Chris Gillis break down the insecurities, easy hookups, and control struggles that were all over this week’s Bachelorette. Marni shares the solid takeaways from the show, especially the importance of remembering that dating is a process, and there is value in the entire process.
Takeaways from this episode:
Stop romanticizing the perfect man
Show up strong, not insecure
Keep your cool when dating around
Focusing on externals doesn’t fix internal insecurities
The Pitfalls of Romanticizing Someone You’ve Never Met [3:55]
Chris calls fantasizing about someone you’ve never met a delicious pitfall, but it isn’t one that you can risk falling for. It only sets you up for disappointment and a lack of a true fresh start. After Teddi’s date with Andrew, she takes a step back to realize that maybe her romantic fantasies about him sabotage any chance for a relationship before they even meet. Marni thinks that the fact that she ran away means she is emotionally unavailable and has serious avoidant attachment. She didn’t want to deal with Rodney or Andrew, and she basically set herself up to fail.
Marni asks Chris about the issue that Teddi revealed in Clayton’s season. Nate reminds listeners that Teddi — and all of the contestants — are real people with real backstories who have to protect their own mental health. Marni lays out the bottom line — don’t make up romantic fantasies about your date before you’ve met them in real life.
Let them show you who they are, don’t make up a story about who they are.
Jill describes herself as painfully single, but Chris thinks that is a solid turnoff for a few reasons. It presents you in a negative light and makes it sound like no one wants you — even if that’s not really true!
Marni thinks Jill handled Romeo in the best way possible, but she spends way too much time painting herself as insecure. She needs to come off as a confident, strong, independent woman, but Chris wonders why she bounces between quirky and fun and then back to insecure.
Chris asks Marni if she thinks Romeo or Jill is more difficult dating-wise. Romeo has a bad reputation that he’s going to have a hard time overcoming, but Jill doesn’t present the energy that will attract the good guy.
Victoria, on the other hand, isn’t aggressive but is definitely open to possibilities, which is much more attractive. She keeps things light and fun, which is attracting all of the men straight to her.
Rule guys in until they rule themselves out.
Guys Aren’t Always Looking for Easy Women [18:05]
Tarzan Jacob is going to have his pick of three women, and he’s made it clear that it’s not going to be the women that are the most willing to sleep with him. Even he doesn’t pick Kira. Chris says no one wants to date the girl that is so easy that she’s obviously willing to hook up with anyone that looks at her twice.
Even if you are still trying to figure out your sexuality, sleeping around is not the way to get what you want most. Over and over again the guys on the show are most attractive to the women who don’t sacrifice their self-respect for anyone else.
Chris and Marni talk about who keeps their cool best when contestants start dating around, and what it means about your own insecurities. Remember, you may feel like you don’t have control when the guy you like goes on a date with someone else, but you always have plenty of choices until you decide to go exclusive.
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Marni welcomes Tessa Alburn to the Life Check Yourself Studio. Tessa is a certified master coach at the Institute for Living Courageously and has been working on the You’re Courageous Life VIP program. She has helped countless women connect with the essential self, let go of limiting beliefs, and start to write the blueprint for the whole self life that they really want to live.
Takeaways:
Tessa reveals the reasons that so many women come to the ILC and the core change that allows them to finally start creating a life of meaning. Core change means understanding and being your essential self and recognizing how it expresses energetically in the world.
Tessa reminds us that there is nothing wrong with us, but we have to be able to express our true self. We have to learn what needs to shift and then get the essential self expressed in a way that is received and heard by others.
Too many women are missing the pieces around how to communicate from their true self, the part of them that wants to be loved.
You might have a great life, but still feel a disconnect between true gratitude and the gratitude that is in your mind, leaving you feeling stuck and angry. At the ILC campus, we work to help women bridge that gap.
Marni asks why your essential self matters in your efforts to live a meaningful life, attract the right partner, be a powerful leader and create impact in your relationships. Why should we care about that? When we own that it matters to us, we can come into a fullness of life that is freed up to have a more meaningful life experience. That also results in connection with the divine, the universe, and with others.
When we know we are living our purpose in life, we have such deep gratification, deep fulfillment, and deep satisfaction.
Our clients experience breakthroughs when they start asking themselves high-quality questions. Tessa shares some of these questions, like How did my reaction connect to the past? How did I learn to react like this? How might I love myself even though I’m upset?
If you’re not able to come into your adult self, you will constantly feel hurt and rejected.
Marni shares the example of choosing not to text men back. Being a quiet woman who doesn’t use her voice is just a script that is holding you back, and holding onto outdated, limiting advice is not the way to get what you really want!
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Marni and Chris gather the Dating Dos and Don’ts from this season’s first episode of Bachelor in Paradise. There were some great lessons about what to share on the first and second dates. FYI, IBS isn’t one of those things, Hunter!
Takeaways:
In the episode, Hunter offers us a great Dating Don’t opportunity. She talks about her IBS with Johnny. It made Marni uncomfortable when she heard it. Her advice is not to share this type of information too soon. Romeo became overwhelmed by all of Hunter’s issues.
Dating Don’t — Don’t share all of your medical conditions on the first date.
This season seems to be the geriatric version of Bachelor in Paradise boasting several over 30 contestants. Chris Gillis warns against accepting social labels as our own. Age normally doesn’t become an issue until we make it mean something about us.
Romeo, Kira, and Jill show us an example of Dating Dos and Don’ts if a person you are dating is dating other people. In the show, we are aware that Romeo kissed Kira in a club. Kira comes off like she has a weird ownership of Romeo after just the kiss and some texts. The issue is Romeo tells Jill he likes her. But then totally weirds out when it comes to telling Kira he is not interested in her. The art of the breakup is not his forte.
Dating Do — If you are not interested in someone, tell them swiftly, simply, and succinctly.
And, ladies, watch Kira try to get validation through sex. Marni says if you make up the story that all guys want is sex and then you come across as sexually aggressive a guy WILL take you up on it. He will not be considering you for a long-term commitment because he will be wondering how many other dudes you are playing the same game with.
Dating Do — Be honest about what you want from a relationship and lead with your values.
Serene and Brandon demonstrate a big Dating Don’t. Marni says it is a big don’t to reveal too much when texting as it creates a pseudo-intimacy. It is impossible to create an intimate connection without ever being face-to-face. Save the juicy stuff for when you meet in person.
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