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The Dating Den

Each week on the podcast, I’ll be interviewing the world’s top experts in attraction, dating, communication, sex, and relationships, as well as coaching real women LIVE, through their real life dating challenges… that are probably a lot like yours!
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Now displaying: March, 2019
Mar 29, 2019

Amy wants to become a savvy dater. She finds herself over analyzing what a guy is thinking and what clues he may be sending her about how the date is going. She also puts up her love shield in defense of her uncertainty. Marni coaches her through understanding her own motivations for succumbing to anxiety and how she can release her fear by leaning into her faith.  

 

How to Know What is on a Guy’s Mind [2:41]

 

Amy really wants to make her dating journey enjoyable but gets hung up on how the guy is feeling about her. To size up how a date is going, she searches for clues from a guy’s body language or his facial expressions. She is looking for positive feedback. She reveals she has a history of domestic violence and dating narcissists. This creates insecurity in her so she puts up her love shield. This behavior is meant to protect her but it can also push people away.

 

Marni asks Amy to reflect on what makes her feel safe.

 

Amy says when guys exhibit these behaviors or attributes she feels safe:

  • Kindness
  • Politeness
  • Family oriented
  • Shared values
  • Faith

 

Coaching Notes:

 

  • If you have questions about things that are out of your control change your inquiry into a high-quality 'me' question. Consider what is going on inside of you to make you feel a certain way.

 

  • Even if you have been hurt in the past, be open to believing someone's words as long as their behavior matches.

 

How to Trust Ourselves [11:43]

 

Amy knows the negative consequences of attaching too quickly. She admits she has a pattern of doing this and it never works in her favor. She says wants a relationship and connection. She is quick to imagine how she might fit into a guy’s life.

 

She truly desires to be more relaxed and enjoy casual dating instead of expecting a relationship quickly.

 

Marni walks her through the ways she is putting the man in charge of her emotional safety. Marni reminds her that she is in charge of herself and not the guy. So why is she trying to give up her power?

 

Amy shares her longing for validation. She gets stuck in a rut about what the little things mean. She understands she needs to trust herself more.

 

Don’t get caught up in the outcome of a date. Instead, focus on making a human connection.

 

Understanding Your Triggers [19:01]

 

Amy says she may be enjoying a date and feel comfortable sharing her life stories with someone and then she falls into her feelings of uncertainty.

 

Marni recommends:

 

  • Dissecting this moment right when it happens to find out what is triggering her fear.
  • Amy should ask herself ‘What is the feeling I have in my body before I attach a story to what is happening?’
  • She should get curious about the story she makes up about not having her happily ever after.
  • When she feels the fear come upon her she needs to relax and move back into her God connection.  
  • She should add a physical, somatic aspect to her calming practice.

 

She is activating a new muscle and breaking an old pattern. When she feels disconnected from peace and calm she should consider what story she is making up.

 

When she is not anxious Amy knows she can chill out because God will be bringing her the perfect guy. She should relax and enjoy her dates. She vows to not put up her love shield and relish in her faith in God.

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Dating with Dignity Love Shield Episode #104

Mar 22, 2019

The beauty of boundaries is that when we do them well it creates much more space for love and connection.

 

In this episode, Marni welcomes the queen of boundary setting, Sylvie Khoucasian into the Den.  In all aspects of our lives, whether we dating, raising our kids, communicating with friends, we all need to set boundaries. Sylvie is a master of helping struggling couples create a real connection. She has a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. She grew up in the US as an immigrant from the Middle East. She was fascinated by the critical role family cultures play in intimate relationships. She also has experience in theatrical art which allows her to use art and drama therapy to help clients reclaim lost or repressed parts of themselves.

 

What is a Boundary & How to Know When A Boundary Has Been Violated [2:52]

 

“A boundary is a limit. By the limits you set, you protect the integrity of your day, your energy and spirit, the health of your relationships and the pursuit of your heart. Each day is shaped by your choices and when you violate your own boundaries or let another person violate them the stuffing spills out of you.” — Anne Katherine

 

Sylvie describes a boundary as a membrane we surround ourselves with. We feel safe around people who respect our emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, intellectual boundaries or spiritual boundaries. When we are being violated we are being dismissed, invalidated, not respected. Its when someone is trying to push us beyond what we are capable of in a moment. 

 

We live in a time when we have exposure to so many things even dating choices. If we don't create healthy boundaries around ourselves we can get lost in what the culture around us wants to feed us.

 

We can feel mean when we are first setting boundaries with a new person in our lives. But the more we communicate our boundaries we start to soften. Healthy boundaries prevent codependency. They prevent our merging with someone in an unhealthy way. Healthy boundaries are discerning.

 

Sylvie recommends dating no more than once a week at the beginning of dating to give yourself enough time to process and check in with your boundaries.

 

Expanding our Definition of Boundaries [10:06]

 

While we are dating we want to learn what a man’s priorities and concerns are.

 

Men have 3 core vulnerabilities they show:

 

  1. 1. Fear of being a predator.
  2. 2. Fear of being incompetent.
  3. 3. Fear of rejection.
  4. The golden nugget is to have clarity around your boundaries without building a wall.  People who honor their own boundaries tend to be better at staying true to their own needs. People who struggle with this haven't given themselves permission to have boundaries.
  5. Do you feel worthy enough to set personal boundaries?
  6. Setting Boundaries for the First Time [16:00]
  7. Sylvie says it’s often women who feel guilty about setting boundaries. It can make women feel uncomfortable and counterintuitive to their nature. But it’s important we be around people who support our boundary.
  8. Tool for singles — Pick a friend you feel safe with and create a mutual agreement where you start practicing your boundaries with them. It helps you to recognize when your boundaries are not being met in other relationships.
  9. The art of boundary is a skill. It's like learning a new recipe, with practice we get better at it. Just taking the time to know when we feel our boundaries are being violated lets us bring intellect into the situation instead of counting on our emotions alone.

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

Mar 15, 2019

Has personal development work made you better than you were before but you are still afraid to take it to the next level? This episode will help you to get out of your own way and show up fully to your next date.

 

In this episode, Marni sits down with President of the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) and host of The Meaningful Way Podcast, Luke Iorio. Luke is also an entrepreneur, a blogger, a dad,  a wide-angled observer and an enthusiastic participant in the game of life. He always likes to ask and answer 'what is truly possible?’.

 

How Acceptance Reduces Stress [2:33]

 

Acceptance is the ability to embrace any situation, any moment, or any experience life happens to throw at you. Many of us have a hard time accepting things when they don’t go their way. Acceptance isn't about agreeing with or condoning what is happening, it’s about accepting the emotions you are going through.

 

We get triggered in two ways:

 

  1. When we are not getting what we want.
  2. When we are getting something we don’t want.

 

Any time life doesn't meet our expectations we react to it. But there is no reason for us to make it complex. We need to have the moment and then not add any of our stories and expectations around it.

 

Luke says when we feel we are being triggered we should take a minute, accept what we are going through, embrace it, and then allow the energy around it to settle. Then go at the situation with clarity and peace. Fighting and resistance add extra energy which can stir things up.

 

Take deep, mindful breaths you have the ability to slow down your nervous system and eliminate our stress.

 

Strategies to Relieve Discomfort [8:17]

 

Luke says it’s important for us to remember that our problems are ours. If we get triggered by something it may be only us that is affected. Someone else may not respond at all to the same thing happening to them.

 

And, it's natural for humans to move away from discomfort. We will do anything we can to push away from anything unpleasant.

 

Coping mechanisms we use to move away from discomfort are:

  1. Distraction
  2. Solving the Problem
  3. Turning a Blind Eye
  4. Grabbing onto Something Else

 

If you avoid accepting of the experience and try to rationalize it with a story you are settling.

 

Ask yourself if you are in this life to simply settle for good enough?

 

Weapons of Mass Distraction [24:26]

 

Ask yourself what is it you use to distract yourself from discomfort or something you don't want to feel. Is it social media, working too much, exercising, or wine? The problem with quieting your discomfort is that the discomfort is surfacing for a reason. Life is calling your attention to something you are meant to work through or to acknowledge.

 

We all have an inner teacher and when we distract ourselves we don't listen to them. Our teachers beg is to take action to achieve growth, not just think about our discomforts.

 

Taking action requires our ongoing mindfulness. Or, our discomfort will become an ongoing cycle that will repeat itself over and over again and show up on dates or in our relationships.

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

The Meaningful Way Podcast with Luke Iorio

Mar 1, 2019

Are you sabotaging yourself early on in a relationship?

 

Is it you or your date who is emotionally unavailable?

 

In this one-on-one client session, Marni welcomes Suzanne to share her story. Suzanne can't seem to get past the first or second date with guys she is meeting. Her last date ended with a total clash in values. She has done a ton of work on herself but feels like there is some unconscious crap keeping her stuck.

 

Are You Afraid of Getting Hurt or Is It Something Else?  [1:34]

 

Suzanne describes her past relationships. She has been married and divorced twice and has had two other significant relationships in her life. Her self-worth was low when she met her first husband. Her second marriage lasted 20-years but it beat her down. And, her two relationships since have been with emotionally unavailable men.  

 

She still believes she is unworthy of having a guy who will stick with her for the long term.

 

Marni asks her to explain how is it serving her? Suzanne realizes if she feels she is always unworthy it also keeps her from committing.

 

Do you Choose to Survive or Thrive? [8:04]

 

Marni points out that by not feeling worthy Suzanne continues to attract men who won't commit. She fears rejection and limits her courage for surviving but she doesn't use it to thrive.

 

So, how does Suzanne want to experience the next part of her love life? Is it worth opening her heart again? Suzanne says she wants to experience true unabiding love. She doesn't want to leave the planet without figuring relationship stuff out.

 

When she shows up on an in-person date she is more cautious about putting herself out there. Her fear is leaking into her communications, her dates, and the rest of her life. Suzanne decides she wants to show up on a date as herself like she is with her friends.

 

She wholeheartedly agrees to bring her surfer girl attitude to the dating game.

 

Listen to the language you use. It is the key to your true feelings.

 

Are You Being Vulnerable or Firehosing Your Dates? [22:08]

 

Suzanne admits to divulging a lot of information about herself early on when dating and she says it sometimes it scares guys away. When discussing what she does for a living she brings up spiritual/religious topics early on in the relationship — but it's important to her. It’s one of her dealbreakers.

 

Marni advises her to more deeply consider the parameters she uses to rule men out. And as part of her commitment, she should make sure she doesn't sabotage herself.

 

Suzanne’s important takeaways are to look at every date as a surf trip and everything will go smoothly. And, she pledges to have deeper conversations about values and ask more important questions of her dates.

 

Make a Connection:

Visit Our Website

Join Our Dating Den Facebook Community Here!

Follow us on Instagram @thedatingden

Learn how to attract your perfect equal...watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book - How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates

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