Marni and Chris dive into the fourth season of reality series, Love is Blind, to take a look at what goes on behind the scenes of the dating world by contemplating the contestants’ behavior. The duo discusses what it means to be attracted to a certain archetype and how that reflects on you. Dating comes with its own set of etiquette, and sometimes it’s confusing, especially when you find yourself in that grey area between casually dating and being exclusive. Questions as to how to handle it surface. What situation warrants jealousy? When should you talk to the person about? Which partner should you pick? How do you navigate your significant other flirting with someone else? The questions are endless, but Marni and Chris take the example of couples on-screen to unpack all the answers.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Don’t fall in love with potential
- How to date from a place of confidence
- Stand up for your self-worth
- What you need vs what you want
- How to figure out your type
- Be honest with yourself
Settling for the Familiar [04:05]
Zack, one of the contestants on the series, is someone who is upfront about his baggage; he doesn’t hide his traumas. But at the same token, he doesn’t seem to want to do the internal work on himself either. And that affects his dating choices as he navigates towards the familiar, Irina, rather than the potentially healthier choice, Bliss. His behavior mimics much of our own behavior IRL.
When faced with the choice between two women, who are essentially polar opposites, Zack picks the one whose baggage resonates with his own personal trauma. He picks Irina, who is somewhat mean, because she’s the easy choice in that she has similar issues and will accept him as he is. Whereas Bliss is grounded and career-oriented. She’s the type that sets boundaries.
Picking the Irinas of the dating scene is a common trap we all fall into. It’s not about there not being any good men or women out there. There are. It’s just that much of the time, we’re not dating from a place of confidence. So, we lean into the person who is emotionally unavailable because that’s the stage we’re at. And unfortunately, that means we sometimes miss out on the good guy because we were too distracted with what we wanted and what we were familiar with, then what we may have needed.
You’re just so tuned out to that frequency; you’re deflecting the possibility that someone is treating you well, that you end up attracted to someone that is emotionally unavailable like you are. It feels familiar.
And even when we meet the good guy, it’s almost like we’re making up reasons not to choose him. It’s a form of self-sabotage. Rather than doing the work on ourselves, and standing up for our self-worth, we choose to settle for what we think we deserve.
But why is he your type? [12:55]
When talking types, it’s vital to look at the why. If you’re someone who’s usually attracted to the emotionally unavailable, then look into the reason behind that attraction. In understanding why a certain archetype attracts you, you’ll begin to unpack what it is you actually need versus what you want. A lot of the time when dating, people go for what feels good in that particular moment but that’s not always the right decision.
So, when it comes to figuring out what you want in a partner, go deep. Write down in a journal the things that attract you and why. Find out what is the type of person you need that brings out your higher self and inspires you. Because that’s the type you can build with. Basically, figure out your wish list.
Marni and Chris talk about Mika and Paul. Mika admits that Paul isn’t what she usually goes for. But while he might not be her type, he could be what she needs.
When you’re dating someone who is treating you well, and giving you what you need, not what you’re used to, you will have to be uncomfortable [for a while] and allow yourself to get to know that person.
Don’t Search for External Validation [21:27]
Marni and Chris talk about Mika and Irina’s behaviors of flirting with men who are already taken in an effort to validate themselves – regardless of how their actions may hurt or affect someone else. They get their power from being desired physically.
And this is an archetype that is found IRL on the dating scene. But it speaks to a lack of self-love, and stems from a place of insecurity.
There is a certain set of beliefs that we hold on to, no matter what our age is. And it’s one many of us might be familiar with or might have gone through at one point or another. It’s this idea that if we’re sexually attractive to those around us, then we have the power; we are enough. But in most cases, men will flirt or sleep with you. But it doesn’t mean they will be attracted to you long-term. Because that isn’t where your validation should stem from, nor is it what you should derive your value from.
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Marni welcomes Matt Hogan, entrepreneur, coach, and wanderer (only a few among many of his other titles), to the Life Check Yourself Studio, and they explore what it means to let go of the guilt and the shame that’s been holding you back from achieving balance in your energy and your life. The duo ponders the steps it takes to unlock the next phases in life. In a world that is constantly obsessing over productivity, and checklists, it seems human beings have forgotten how to reconnect with their authentic selves. Matt and Marni discuss what it takes to fall back in love with yourself and unleash your desires. And it starts with taking responsibility for your experiences, your past and whatever it is that’s keeping you stuck. By learning to acknowledge and forgive yourself, the whole world opens up, and what once seemed impossible becomes very much possible.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Dating is a buffet culture
- Let your energy flow
- How to release your guilt
- Stop dragging your energy down
- How to restore balance in yourself
- Forgiveness is empowerment
Navigating Through Dating with Transparency [02:04]
Dating can be tough; especially that we’re all coming in with our own baggage. Add to that, that there are already so many options out there, and it becomes stunting sometimes. And that makes it even scarier to open up about certain things when you’re never really quite sure if the person in front of you will accept them.
However, when we start accepting these things ourselves, the people we attract don’t end up judging us for them. We all carry guilt or shame for certain actions in our past or certain traumas, but it’s important to remember that we’re human. In doing so, we allow ourselves the grace to fail, and subsequently forgive ourselves for those shortcomings.
Matt, who at some point in his life had attempted suicide, speaks of the guilt that came with that, and the shame that he held around it. He explains that it was a really difficult story for him to share, partly because it came with a fear of being rejected. But essentially, these feelings stemmed from the grief that he was still carrying within himself about it; it was grief that he had never processed.
You still hold a little bit of guilt or judgment for yourself, and you haven’t let yourself off the hook yet as a human being.
Whatever it is that has triggered that guilt in us, if we haven’t dealt with it and processed it then we take it with us into the new relationship we’re getting into. It’s almost like we’re stuck and we’re carrying that energy with us into the next phase. Whereas when that energy can flow; when it can move, we can finally begin to let it go. And once we’ve stopped holding back, and we’ve processed it, and released it, we attract the right people who won’t hold us accountable for our past.
It actually makes your relationship open up because you’ve opened up.
Falling in Love with Yourself is Your Responsibility [07:40]
Start by taking responsibility. It’s about being responsible for your feelings; your actions; and your experiences. Realize that you’re not responsible for other people’s actions, or for how the world reacts. Release that need of trying to control what’s out of your hands.
At the end of the day, it’s about restoring balance within yourself. Having all the enablements of the past – be it relationships or experiences – take a hold of your energy drags you down.
So, to support yourself in all the parts that make you, you, stop and recognize what's happening within you. If you find difficulty getting out of bed, or you feel like you keep running and running without ever getting anywhere, then that’s the first thing you need to draw your awareness to. That’s where you start from.
Nature is always trying to balance itself out, and we are a part of nature.
If you look at the planet around us, it’s trying to balance the system so that it functions. Our bodies, because we are nature, do the same thing. We always want to rebalance, whether that’s on a mental, physical, emotional or spiritual level. And they all work together.
Being able to take responsibility by pressing pause, and saying to yourself, ‘this is where I’m at’, ‘this is how I feel’ is how you start to fall back in love with yourself. And once that’s done, you can attract what you desire most.
It takes a lot of courage to have that awareness and really listen to the whisper.
Claim Your Desires [17:16]
Women, in today’s culture (and historically), are almost not expected to want and to desire. But desires are healthy; they are beautiful.
It’s healthy and beautiful for women to desire. Let your desires fly and find peace and balance within yourself as you open up to your desires.
It’s not about shutting down the desires that you haven’t claimed yet but rather about finding out what is that feeling that you’re chasing after, what is that feeling that you want in your life, and actually inviting that into your daily life. If you can trace back the feeling that you want, then you can look at the space between who you are now and who you are becoming. And once you get clear on the feeling associated with who you’re becoming, you can get clear on the balance you need. It’s then a matter of deciding what that looks like for you and taking responsibility.
Ultimately, it’s about how do you decorate the inside house that is you?
And that could be through stability, or security, or safety or balance. It depends on you. But search for it internally, not externally.
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Marni welcomes Jay Fields, who is an educator, a coach and an author, in the Life Check Yourself studio, to talk about how you can have your own back and learn to process your feelings instead of taking unhealthy coping mechanisms from childhood into your adulthood. Jay also gives Linked learning courses on managing your emotions at work and practices for regulating your nervous system and reducing stress. In this episode, the duo discuss how it is we can regulate ourselves and hold our feelings in a healthy way that we can then communicate to those around us. And it starts from an internal standpoint.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Give people the right read
- How to train your body to have a different reaction
- Don’t pretzel yourself
- How to differentiate between awareness and transformation
- What are the practices that help you regulate?
- Take responsibility
Do You Have Your Own Back? [01:53]
Having your own back is essential, especially in a society that rather teaches us to be smart, and to do what needs to be done without confronting our own experiences.
When you don’t have your own back, the experience is more external, almost like you’re looking to someone else to tell you how you should act or react. It’s when you experience situations in terms of what you think people expect of you, and adapt to that expectation. Rather than setting boundaries, you turn into a chameleon to please those around you, be it socially or at work.
Having your own back is first knowing that you have an experience that you can track, and then knowing how to be an advocate for that; and soothe yourself in that, whatever it is you need in that moment.
The embodiment of not having your own back looks like you’re leaning outside of yourself; you’re not holding your own energy but rather you’re more concerned with what’s going on externally. And what happens is that you’re not quite there. And people, whether or not they’re aware of it, can feel it. It’s about how we hold ourselves from an energy standpoint.
A person that doesn’t have their own back tends to have a dysregulated nervous system, and that can manifest in several ways. For an immobilized or a down regulated system, the person is like a turtle in a shell, they’re withdrawing.
Be Soft [ 11:05]
When you’re dysregulated, one of the things to look at is what are the practices that help you regulate? And this differs from one person to the other. But a step towards regulating is bringing yourself back down enough, so that you have access to your thinking brain.
When a person is dysregulated, they’re in survival mode. And the key to fixing it is tracking what’s happening within your own body. Once you’ve managed to do that and be aware of it, then you can use that knowledge to craft what you might want to say in the way that you want to say it.
It’s about understanding what you felt at any given moment, and acknowledging that feeling. It’s about how you can soothe it, which is different than actually regulating. Soothing is speaking truth to power.
A lot of women tend to skip the soothing step and either try to get it from someone else, or decide to become super self-sufficient with an’I don’t need anyone, I can take care of myself’ attitude.
You’ve regulated, you’ve soothed then it’s the do I need to advocate in some way?
When it comes to advocating for it, being mindful of exactly what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it will go a long way in helping you communicate it to the person in front of you.
We want some softness in this. And the softness is, I can be there for myself and I know how to then speak from that to the person.
Acknowledge Those Big Feelings [18:10]
A lot of us when faced with an uncomfortable or a difficult feeling tend to go down two routes; either how can I fix this? Or what can I do to distract myself from this?
These are templates that were ingrained in us from childhood through one of our caregivers. And it wasn’t done with ill-intent. It’s the scenario when a child goes to their caregiver with a problem, and the immediate reaction is how can they fix this for them? Or what can they do to make them feel better?
Whereas when the first response to your feelings is acknowledgment, and the space to talk about how a particular situation made you feel, you learn to be able to understand that feeling and take a different approach with you into adulthood, rather than jumping into action.
You get met in the feeling first, you take a bit and then you realize you’re not weird for having this feeling, and it’s not uncommon.
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Marni welcomes Sherianna Boyle, best-selling author of Emotional Detox and founder of Emotional Detox Cleansing, to Life Check Yourself to delve into the process of manifestation and what it actually means. Sherianna’s book the Four Gifts of Anxiety was also endorsed by the National Association of Mental Health, and she’s helped thousands of people on their journey to process and detox their emotions. In this episode, the pair look at what it actually means to manifest, and how our energies work in synergy towards that. Human beings are actually in a state of manifestation 24/7, and when it comes to the process, two things are required: energy and action. But what does action in that framework mean? And how do we define it?
Takeaways from this episode:
- Your emotions are important
- Manifesting as energy and action
- How to hold your emotions
- We’re always manifesting
- Don’t attach yourself to outcome
- We’re conditioned to action
We’re in Constant State of Change [04:18]
Energy is consciousness; it’s inner movement. When your energy is in motion, you feel more relaxed. And when your energy is in action, things are moving internally, from a vibrational standpoint.
Growing up, society teaches us that we need to control our emotions. Whether it’s at work, at home, or within the context of social interaction, we’re taught that we almost need to suppress our emotions and get on with the day. If you’re having a bad day, it doesn’t matter; there’s no time to process because you need to pick up the kids from school or you have a deadline at work, and so on and so forth.
What happens then is that you don’t allow your emotions to go into the processing stage, and you end up suppressing whatever you’re feeling and sweeping it under the rug. However, when you allow your emotions to be in flow, you’re giving them permission to exist. These emotions then give you information about your life, because that’s when naturally, your intuition quicks in and acts as a guide. When both your energy is in flow and your intuition is in flow, that’s your energy in action.
There is no such thing as being stuck; energy is always in motion; it’s always reshaping and reforming itself.
Human beings are always in a state of change. As human beings, when we don’t see things moving on the outside, in terms of action, we assume nothing is happening. But that’s not true. There is constantly something happening beneath the surface. It's just that it hasn’t made its way to the physical plane yet.
A lot happens when we allow our energy to move; when we allow our emotions to be processed. Intuition starts kicking in. A lot is at work underneath the scene because manifesting takes place on another plane, so we’re on another level of consciousness, it just hasn’t trickled down to the physical yet.
Let’s Manifest [ 14:08]
Everything that’s happening outside of you is actually happening inside of you. It’s like a mirror. One of the laws Sherianna discusses is the law of correspondence which is that the external is mimicked within the internal.
If you’re going through a busy period in your life, internally you might feel less settled, you might have some chaotic energy. The author goes on to explain that energy is in action when we begin to work on the inside. And the laws that she delves into in her books cover how you can learn to understand these energies and process those emotions.
The thing about manifesting is that these laws all work together.
You can transform any emotion, whether its frustration or anger, into a sense of calm, peace, and grounded-ness. It’s the law of transmutation. It’s in understanding the role of energy and learning through certain practices how to process these emotions that you reach that space. And part of the journey is understanding the energy of faith, which is having faith and trusting the process.
Now we’re talking frequency and vibration, so what I’m feeling around this whole thing is that as you download trust, have faith. You have to trust your intuition, you follow it. And it’s not always comfortable to follow your intuition.
Reconnecting with the Source Energy [21:30]
A big part of manifesting requires faith. It also requires, as per the law of detachment, to not attach ourselves to outcomes – a mistake a lot of us make.
A lot of times, we put ourselves on a timeline with a deadline for our healing, or our growth. But there is no timeline, healing and growth looks different for different people. The law of polarity teaches that we can experience the opposite of something else. So, the opposite of having a timeline is space, it’s having freedom. And when you’re in alignment with the spiritual law of polarity, you’re going to find that you’ve loosened your grip a bit on those timelines.
It’s important to acknowledge and remind ourselves that it’s all based on source energy. It’s about going back to that source energy which some people call God, others call the creator or the universe. When we’re feeling like something’s not working or like we keep checking to see when it’ll happen, it’s because we’re separated from the source energy.
Because when we’re with the source, we’re in oneness and it just is. There is no this or that, no us or them. It’s just we’re all one.
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Marni and Chris look at the relationships, from beginning to end, that define reality series, Love is Blind, in an effort to glean the take-aways that can be applied within our own dating lives. As the series comes close to its end, the duo discusses episodes 43 to 50 where we see more drama unraveling with relationships coming to an end, and new ones blossoming, while others persist still. Navigating through the early stages of a relationship isn’t easy. What should you do when he all of a sudden loses interest? Do you confront him? Do you speak to your friends when you’ve already gotten the answer you need? A big part of dating is taking cues and being able to pick up on the actions of your partner, and what they mean for you. Understanding how to react to this person, your own insecurities, and theirs is part and parcel of the dating world.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Don’t wait around for him to decide
- How to be rejection-proof?
- Don’t Give Him All the Power
- The roots create the fruit
- Relationships are season
- Don’t overcompensate
Act Like it, Don’t Say it [01:35]
Using the example of Cassie and Claudia, Marni explains that telling a man you’re not an option is different than acting it. Claudia waited around for Cassie to make his decision then confronted him, which pushed him even further away and right into Rosie’s arms. She made the decision easy for him. Now, that’s not to say that we shouldn’t confront someone who's hurt us but there’s a way to do it. And that’s not to say that the outcome would’ve been different for Cassie and Claudia, but she would’ve saved herself a lot of pain had she done it differently.
If someone has shown you, through their actions, that they’re not interested or they’re interested in someone else, don’t wait around for them to make it clearer. What happened with Claudia is that she started to overcompensate and lean in too much.
If you’re going to get the same result anyway, hold your head up high, and actually act like you’re not a second option. Don’t just say it, act it.
We’ve all been in similar situations where we’ve dated or been with someone who can’t make up their mind. And the way forward isn’t necessarily to avoid talking to them about it, but it’s about confronting them with the notion that you’re not going to stick around, and that you don’t need them.
What we mean by leaning in is that you’re able to be vulnerable but like a red wood tree where you’re grounded, confident, and your worthiness isn’t based on anyone else’s behavior or judgment. So, you have this resilience.
Trees can lean; they can sway but they never topple over. Regardless of the outcome, Claudia could have saved herself the extra heartache and the time had she removed herself from the situation earlier. And that’s a trap a lot of women fall into, where they don’t always know when it’s time to leave. And even when they do, they stay a little longer out of hope or the idea they’ve built of that person.
Consensus Building; Just Don’t [10:53]
It’s something we’re all guilty of, where we’ll speak to our partner then go speak to all of our friends, our social circles, our friend’s boyfriends and so on. We turn to so many people for advice, and end up confused by all the different answers. It becomes a medley of what we want to do; what we know what we should do; and what so and so thinks we should do.
An example of this is when Rosie speaks to Cassie about how he’s being with her, to which he gives an answer that seems to appease her. She then goes on to talk to her social circle and is given an opinion that may or may not work for her.
When you’re consensus building, take stalk of who you’re asking.
Different people have different opinions, it’s normal. Rosie got her opinion from Ron, who’s M.O in the beginning was to not communicate, whereas she seems like someone who’s communicative. With that being said, if you’re someone who has the courage to be direct and have the conversation then do it, and see what your partner says. And then from that, see how he behaves as things progress. Rather than going to so many different people to ask their opinion.
Consensus building is probably one of the biggest mistakes you could ever make. If you see yourself doing it, just notice that you’re doing it to soothe your hypervigilant amygdala that is scared and triggered.
Does Your PDA Style Say Something? [22:05]
Everyone has a different way of showing affection. For some, a kiss in public is great; for others it’s uncomfortable. It’s important to get these questions out of the way early on in the relationship so that you know your partner’s style.
When discussing Ron and Lana, Marni points out that they don’t partake in a lot of PDA. But does your partner not being into public displays of affection actually mean something about the relationship? Christ points out that women are usually the ones who define the relationship vibe. When it comes to Ron and Lana, that’s just the pace they’re going at and who they are. But they might actually be the ones to make it do the end even if they kiss like pensioners.
Either way, know what your partner’s PDA style is and that it doesn’t necessarily speak to how much they care about you on a deeper level. Some people are comfortable with PDA and others aren’t! That’s just how it is.
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Marni welcomes Crystal Ware, podcast host and former fortune 500 corporate leader who left it all behind to pursue her dreams, at the Life Check Yourself studio. The pair looks at what it means to actually pursue your goals, and the barriers that stop us from being that version of ourselves. Crystal delves into the process that puts us on the path of achieving our vision, whatever it may be. A step towards getting there is asking the hard questions, learning to let go of that fear, and getting clear on where it is that we want to be. They discuss the journey with its ups and downs, and how the failures and rejections actually shape the destination. It’s not about having that golden streak, or getting it right from the first go, but rather about shifting our self-belief and putting in the work.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Courage comes before commitment
- Keep showing up
- It starts with one decision
- How to deal with the illusion of time
- Work on your self-belief
- How to recognize your value
Ask The Big Questions [01:45]
Crystal, who had a shining career in corporate, speaks from experience when she narrates her journey towards pursuing her dream. In today’s world, we’re distracted by everything that sparkles and shines; we’ve all ended up chasing the comfortable set-up thinking that’s what we’re meant to be doing. And it works for some but not everyone. When you feel stunted, stuck, and it almost feels like you were meant for more, or for something else; it’s time to ask the hard questions.
For Crystal, the seed was born during the pandemic. While she was happy with her life in general, there were aspects of her professional life that stopped being fulfilling – a situation that a lot of us can relate to where confinement forced us inwards, and pushed us to introspect on our lives.
And that’s what it was, a chance to look inwards. But where and how do you start? It’s by taking the time to ask the big questions, looking into what you actually want and what you want your life to look like. What are the things you need to be investing in more, be it in terms of energy or time, to get to that dream?
It’s easy to forget how profoundly that time [the pandemic] impacted all of us.
Sit and reflect on what you want out of life; figure out what is the legacy you want to leave behind. It’s not necessarily going to be an easy shift but it is worth it. It requires work. And once you’ve taken a step back and looked at how you can progress towards that goal you eventually want to reach, then you can take actionable steps. It’s not about right now, it’s not even about tomorrow, it’s about where you want to be in 10 years.
So, break away from the stereotypes that you’ve had of yourself in order to become the person you want to be and are destined to be.
It wasn’t just about saying, ‘okay I know I want to go somewhere different but [looking at] where that was headed. And that helped a lot in defining my vision for my life, my goals and how I was actually going to go about achieving them.
The Three C’s [ 11:15]
Get clarity, get confident and find the courage. You get clarity by being clear on what it actually is that you want to do. You build the confidence to take action. And then you find the courage to do it. It’s a process; it’s not magic.
Where is the internal shift to say that I don’t need to keep recreating from the patterns of that lack of belief in myself? That is the thing to say, that’s the defining moment.
What stands in the way of clarity is fear. It’s a fear we’ve either had built in from our childhood, our past experience or our view of ourselves. It’s being able to break free from the shackles of our past patterns that’ll eventually lead us to take the first step towards that goal. Being unable to vocalize or envision that dream sometimes stems from a fear of saying out loud.
Crystal talks about the iceberg impact, and she uses the example of social media where we only see the surface of what’s going on, not what went into getting to that stage. There’s hard work behind success, there’s belief in one’s self, there’s also sleepless nights figuring out what you want, moments of doubts where you’re not sure you’ve made the right decision. But all these moments, good and bad, are part of the journey.
The journey is as important, if not more, than the actual getting there.
90% of people make it look easy because they’ve worked hard at it, but it’s a process. At the end of the day, letting go of that fear, getting clear on what you want, and vocalizing is part of the journey. Whether or not it sounds possible to someone else doesn’t matter. If that’s what you want, then own it, put in the work and go for it. And say it out loud.
Find Your Cheerleader [18:21]
A support system is important regardless of who it is. Sometimes, you’ll find it within your inner circle, and sometimes you won’t. But that being said, even those closest to you, be it your partner, your sibling, or your family, are not setting out to hold you back. They care for you, and perhaps don’t understand what you’re doing, and what may be perceived as negativity on their part is more about looking out for you. It’s about having a fear of getting your feelings hurt; or being devastated by rejection or failure. But failure and rejection are part of the process. It doesn’t mean everyone is going to understand that. So, find the person who does, and keep them close. It matters.
Understand that growth is coming from the things that don’t work, and having to confront that.
You are able to achieve what you want, but it’s a question of having someone to remind you in the moments where you forget. It could be a friend or a coach, but that support system is one of the things that’ll help you get to where you need to be.
It’s grounding for me to know that I can truly be who I am, in all forms and shapes, and there’s not going to be judgment there.
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Marni and Chris take a deep dive into the interpersonal relationships that define the reality series, Love is Blind, to unveil what is sometimes said (or unsaid) through your partner’s actions. A person will tell you exactly who they are or what they want by how they behave with you. As the series nears its end, and the couples are the pivotal point of whether they’ll make it or break it, the duo ponder what we can learn from our reality series’ cohorts. They look at the nifty tips that we can take into our own dating lives by studying the lows and the highs, the ups and downs, and all the drama that unfolds between the couples. Part of navigating the dating world is being able to read the person in front of you and to pick up on what they’re telling you either through their actions (or lack thereof).
Takeaways from this episode:
- He’s a good communicator
- Don’t dive in head first
- The first cut is the deepest
- How to be secure in your attachment style
- Is he consistent in how he shows up?
- Don’t be an option
I Met The Most Amazing Guy Syndrome [05:15]
We’ve all fallen into this trap at some point or other. We meet a guy; we’re taken with him; he seems to be everything we’d ever dreamed of; we’re all in emotionally before ever being all in, in reality. We’ve decided this person is our knight in shining armor, our prince charming. And that’s when we begin to write off everyone else, and miss out on opportunities in exchange for the idea of the person that we’ve built in our heads. We envision our whole future with them, and as a result, we end up closing ourselves to other potentially better-suited partners.
There’s only one way you can fall when you push a guy up to this magical, mythical prince charming [pedestal]. No way is he living up to that fairytale.
Putting someone on a pedestal and expecting them to live up to it is unfair for both you and the person. It ends with disappointment, because it’s an ideal and not the reality of the situation. It’s these unrealistic expectations of who this person could be rather than who they are.
When comparing the couples on Love Island, Marni points out that Shaq and Tanya get together from the get-go, and a whole lot of drama ensues. Whereas Ron and Lana take their time to actually get to know each other. Granted, Ron was more vocal about still wanting to date other people while Lana wasn’t too thrilled about it. Ultimately though, they chose each other, not by looking through that rose-tinted lens of who a person could be but rather the knowledge of who the person actually is.
Know When to Leave [08:20]
Cassie and Claudia are an example of not knowing when to leave. Claudia keeps getting her feelings hurt by Cassie in that he’s wishy-washy when it comes to choosing her. And she still ends up taking him back.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that Cassie is the bad guy; it just means that he’s shown her who he is, what he wants, and how he operates. Chris points out that Claudia lacks confidence and that it’s in these particular situations that her insecurities seem to surface, which is understandable. It’s a situation we’re all prone to be in.
When a partner isn’t giving you what you want, leave. If he’s treating you like an option, rather than telling him you won’t be treated as such, show him that you won’t.
At the end of the day, no one should be a second option.
Don’t Get Involved in the Drama, Period [17:29]
It’s tempting to want to come to your partner’s rescue, especially when it’s a friend that’s hurt them. But should you actually get involved when it’s something that’s been told to you in confidence?
When you’re dating someone, you want to see how they show up consistently over time, and when you start to introduce someone you’re dating to your friends, then you can start to see how they interact with your friends, and your family.
Marni and Chris discuss the example of Will and his partner, Jessie. Will tells her in confidence that one of his friends has hurt him. What she then does is confront the friend. That tactic backfires when Will calls her out for not keeping what he told her between them.
Sometimes, the person you’re with just wants to vent; they just need a shoulder to cry on; or someone to listen to them. Your partner confiding in you about drama between his friends or family isn’t necessarily an opening for you to take action and come to their defense. Because sometimes it ends up doing more damage than good. Case in point: Will and Jessie.
Chris clarifies that perhaps there are certain things that should remain unsaid especially considering the context where everyone is in a close space, and maybe a few drinks are involved. What ends up happening is that in the heat of the moment, your partner may react in a certain way that aggravates the situation.
At the end of the day, Jessie had a natural reaction but she probably shouldn’t have acted on it. Just stay out of your man’s drama.
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