Marni welcome Jourdan Travers, licensed clinical social worker and specialist in treating anxiety, mood, substance abuse, and personality disorders to the Life Check Yourself studio, where they look into where our feelings of unworthiness stem from; what we’re running away from; and how we can start fixing those detrimental patterns that we’ve carried with us throughout our lives. When it comes to assessing our patterns, we need to first notice them.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to manage your emotions
- When do you feel like you’re not enough?
- How to recognize your patterns
- Don’t avoid change
What Are You Trying to Numb? [03:00]
When it comes to starting your healing journey, there is an aspect to it that is not discussed enough. And that is, taking the step to notice and realize the patterns you keep repeating or the cycles that you’re in.
A lot of people don’t recognize their own patterns and how they might manifest. But it’s crucial to ask yourself the telling questions that will help you get to the answers you need to move forward. What are the months or seasons that are the most difficult for me? What are the sensations that have me reflexively reaching for that wine glass? What am I trying to escape?
Every single person experiences emotions differently in their own bodies. But a good starting point is recognizing when you get triggered, how you get triggered and why you get triggered.
The first thing one would do is just notice, or be curious about [certain] behaviors in that they might be connected to a feeling.
A lot of the time, people will look at themselves and link a certain situation going wrong, or a dream not coming to fruition to flaws within their character. However, the truth of the matter is, nobody is perfect. That doesn’t mean you need to constantly berate yourself for it. Sometimes, a person may feel like they have all these flaws and aspects that they don’t like within themselves. And if they were just to fix all of them, then everything else would fall into place. But that’s not the reality of it.
It’s an addictive fantasy. It’s this notion of, if I can fix this, then everything else will be fixed.
People are so accustomed to not being perfect or good enough, that it is important to pause and recognize those moments when you’re feeling that way. That’s where all the information lies, that’s where you get your answer. What are the moments in your life where you feel like you’re not enough? That is where your reflection should start.
The feeling of unworthiness that most people carry of not being enough is not a core belief that is learnt and held onto but rather it is a narrative people tell themselves.
Embrace the Messiness [ 11:45]
Affirmations have become a popular practice for a reason: they’re helpful, they serve a purpose, and they can be useful. That being said, the affirmations should be realistic; they should be thoughts that can help guide us essentially.
Unrealistic affirmations won’t have any effect. However, affirmations like this too shall pass or nothing lasts forever are two powerful mantras. That’s not to say that we can’t add on to these. We can, and we should but they should always be realistic.
Life is painful. We cannot escape that. It’s that pleasure-pain principle.
Accepting and reminding ourselves that life is made up of both the good and the bad, the difficult times and the wonderful times, is what actually helps us get through those dark moments.
Human beings, essentially, want to feel joy consistently. But existing in a constant state of euphoria or happiness is not realistic. It goes against the very nature of life. And the more we chase that constant pleasure, the more unsatisfied, and discontent we’re going to feel.
Stop Avoiding [19:14]
We all avoid things in different ways. While some are more avoidant in relationships, others are avoidant within their careers. It’s not a one shoe-fits all description. Different people will have different patterns of avoidance in different areas of their lives.
But with avoidance, you get stuck. So, sit down with yourself, look at your patterns and question yourself. Looking inwards and asking yourself how you contributed to the break-up, for example; Or how you ended up in a certain situation is where the work starts. Maybe you just got burn by love again. Is it because you’re drawn to this type of person? Is it because there is a feeling there that you keep running towards?
Nothing happens in isolation, we don’t live in a vacuum.
Asking yourself what are the thoughts and behaviors that propels you to act in a certain way is how you get to the root cause of the pattern. It’s more about looking inwards and identifying the triggers, the feelings, and the situations than it is about searching for answers externally.
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Marni and Chris dive into the finale of reality show, Love is Blind, to analyze where it all went wrong for some of the couples; where it all went right for others; and what lessons can be gleaned from these relationships. The duo look into how to navigate a break-up with grace and dignity, and how to show up in a manner that matches your energy. As these couples go through the ups and downs of dating, much of their behavior mirrors our own IRL. From the heartaches to the make-ups, Marni and Chris break it down by observing the contestants’ actions with each other on the show. What is the energy you’re putting out? How to find freedom from your past? And should you give second chances?
Takeaways from this episode:
- Don’t seek council from your single friends
- It’s about your energy
- How to breakup with grace
- Be dignified
- How to accept the person in front of you
- Flexibility in a relationship
Ditch the Mean Girl Vibes [01:35]
Ditch the mean girl attitude. Firstly, because it’s not a good color for anyone. And secondly, because it says a lot about a person.
An example of this is Micah and Paul. When talking about Micah, Paul mentions that he was surprised to find out that she wanted a family and kids. The vibe he picked up on – or rather the energy she was putting out – may have been as a result of her mean girl behavior in the beginning. That type of attitude doesn’t give off mother, or even wife energy. It is not associated with being nurturing or kind. In fact, quite the opposite.
When it comes to dating, you’re essentially collecting data about a person throughout the experience – whether that’s done consciously or unconsciously. Throughout her relationship with Paul, Micah acted in several ways that may have informed Paul’s ultimate decision. That being said, she has made a concerted effort to grow as a person throughout the show.
It’s about the energy that you put out. You can say you want to be a mom, or you can say this or that. But it’s how you show up.
It’s about the actions that are taking place outside of the relationship, too. It’s about your interaction with people, and about how you talk about them. And that includes your family and friends.
Navigating the Breakup [10:40]
While it may be tempting, it serves no one to talk negatively about your significant other when you break up. The dignified and graceful thing to do is just to walk away and move on. It’s hard but it’s worth it in the long run.
When you break up with someone, you don’t need to put them in the wrong for you to validate or justify the separation. Zack was one of the contestants that modeled that behavior. When Marshal and himself were put on blast on social media, they did a wonderful job at handling it.
It’s really about having grace and forgiveness
Marni mentions that Zack’s mature behavior today may be as a result of his tumultuous upbringing as well as his job as a criminal defense lawyer. His belief in second chances, which is something Bliss admired, is a result of his past and his present.
His forgiving nature is an attractive trait. Because when you forgive someone, you’re not doing it for them, you’re doing it for you. And it’s within that forgiveness that you find a release. It’s liberating
Are You Growing Together? [14:44]
Kwame and Chelsea are a couple that emulated this notion of growing together. Whereas Chelsea started off being rigid and uncompromising, she slowly learnt to let go with Kwame. A relationship doesn’t work without compromise, nor does it work without flexibility.
So, while it’s good for you to know what you want and go after it, it’s equally important to recognize when you should allow for a compromise. Pick your battles. Because there are going to be times in a relationship where you’ll have to do something for your partner that doesn’t necessarily fit into your general plan. And knowing how to navigate that, and be flexible about it, is key.
Kwame and Chelsea made each other better versions of themselves. They managed to grow from the parts of their partner that were challenging for them. And ultimately, that’s what successful relationships are about.
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Marni and Chris dive into the dynamics of relationships between the contestants on the reality series, Love is Blind, to shed light on our behavior in the dating world.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to communicate in an argument
- Be confident in your choices
- How to handle the timeline on the conversation
- Don’t dismiss his concerns
Should You Sleep on It? [02:19]
There are two schools of thought when it comes to arguing, especially when it’s close to bedtime. One school is that you should never go to bed angry at each other; the other is that when you’re exhausted and it’s late, it makes more sense to sleep it off, and discuss the issue the next day once you’re well-rested. So, which one is it?
Men need actionable instructions.
Trust Yourself [20:31]
It’s common to constantly be looking for validation from our friends when it comes to the person we’re dating. But ultimately, you need to trust ourselves with your decisions. And that requires strength and confidence in yourself and your choices.
If you’re with someone, then be convinced with your choice and stand up for it. You’ve got this.
Stand up to Your Family [24:49]
In the same vein as standing up to your friends, you need to stand up to your parents when need be. And that’s not just limited to your romantic choice but your overall decision in life. Many of us walk around with trauma passed on from our parents. And rather than do the work and get through it, we ended up letting these past traumas dictate our lives.
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Marni welcomes Frieda Birnbaum, research psychologist, psychotherapist and published author, to the Life Check Yourself studio, to look into why committed relationships and marriages fall apart, and how to prevent that.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to shift your perspective
- How to merge your masculine with your feminine
- How to step up your emotional prenup
- Fighting in a healthy way
The Devil is in the (Emotional) Details [03:00]
The emotional prenup is to prevent divorce as opposed to the financial prenup which is a failsafe. So, why do people go into marriages with a failsafe rather than an agreement that defines the parameters of how the relationship will work?
Identify Yourself [11:10]
Today, a lot of women have both masculine and feminine traits. And that’s not a bad thing, because these sides of you complement each other. The masculine traits are the parts of you that are driven, problem solving, and career-oriented.
Merging them and reconciling both of those sides allows you to identify yourself, which is important.
Frieda shares an anecdote of a moment where she questioned herself as a mother. At the time of the story, she was both taking care of her children and working towards her career goals.
However, as it turns out, it was in identifying herself and pushing through that she became the person she is, today. At the time where Frieda questioned herself, women didn’t hold the same positions they do today. The norm, today, is that women juggle children, careers, and so on. Back then, that wasn’t the case. In that, Frieda was ahead of her time.
The lesson is about realizing that it’s not about making friends, it’s really about having the insight to keep pushing and making yourself uncomfortable to be comfortable.
It’s about owning your space and going for what you want, regardless of what the world thinks of you.
What Goes Into the Emotional Prenup? [17:38]
It’s important to sort certain issues out ahead of taking that serious step. A lot of these issues can look like couples having the same fights over and over again. Or, one partner’s inability to let go of the past. But in discussing how you will tackle these issues in the beginning, your marriage has a better chance of making it.
Otherwise, you end up going to therapy, which is more difficult because it’s about fixing what’s broken. Whereas with an emotional prenup, it’s pre-emptive; it’s more of a unification between two people to work through it and to work hard. Because marriage isn’t easy.
Setting boundaries and having an understanding of what’s important for you and for your partner is part of that agreement. Because what’s important for you, might not be as important for the person in front of you.
We tend to repeat ourselves, we tend to argue in the same way over and over again.
It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong, or what’s right and what’s wrong but more about what will have the best effect and outcome. And you get to that by listening to each other, and by learning to compromise for each other, which prevents repetition.
Make a Connection:
- Dr. Frieda’s Website: www.DrFrieda.com
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Marni and Chris look at the budding and failing relationships in reality series, Love is Blind, to glean the lessons that can be taken and applied when dating IRL. Looking at the different archetypes that the contestants represent, the duo dissect the situations on the series to answer questions we’ve all had when out in the jungle that is the dating world. The behavioral patterns we all exhibit, at one point or another, are mimicked in the actions of these contestants as they navigate their interpersonal relationships. From the girl who keeps falling for the same toxic guy, to the guy who stays and never gives up, to the girl who lets her mean- girl friends dictate the qualifications of her boyfriend. It’s a trap we’ve all fallen into, and sometimes still do.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Don’t be an enabler
- How sweet is too sweet?
- Don’t mistake the storytelling for a connection
- What’s trauma bonding?
- He’s a good communicator
- Vulnerability has several stages
Getting Real is Scary [07:46]
Being vulnerable with someone is terrifying. And, unfortunately, a lot of us go through life hiding pieces of ourselves from the people we’re dating, where we’d rather keep it fun and light. It’s not just men; it’s women as well.
It’s a situation where as soon as things start getting heavy or too real, we feel like it’s time to exit. And for some, even when they don’t exist, they stay in the relationship for years, without ever really going deep or speaking about their actual feelings. But being vulnerable and expressing ourselves is not only important for the relationship but for our own well-being as well.
Part of being in a committed relationship is learning how to have challenging conversations.
A lot of the time, we keep it light because we want to come off as low-maintenance, or as fun. We want to keep it going, so we hide those parts of ourselves – the feelings and the insecurities – in an effort to not rock the boat. But the effect of that on our psyche is detrimental, whether we realize it or not. There’s inevitably a disconnect.
If what’s on the outside isn’t matching what’s on the inside, that creates internal friction.
And that leaks into our relationship because at some point, when we’re faced with something real, the relationship collapses. If we haven’t shown that part of ourselves, or voiced these feelings, then how can we expect the person in front of us to understand? Being vulnerable is scary, but it’s necessary.
It’s an Uphill Effort [12:28]
It’s an uphill effort, but it’s worth it. A lot of times, when we get into a relationship, and it’s time to be vulnerable, we think that we’ve gotten through the tough part; we can now relax. But the thing is, with vulnerability, it comes at different stages. And with it, there’s always the risk of rejection.
You get through the first part, which is going through your trauma; your past; and the experiences that shaped you. But that’s only the first stage. There’s the vulnerability of deciding on your future together and of sharing your aspirations with that person. And sometimes, you won’t have the same vision.
Chemistry is necessary but not sufficient; love is necessary but not sufficient.
Kwame and Chelsea are an example of getting to the next stage. Compromises need to be made. And it’s a difficult conversation to have with tough decisions required to be made. However, Chris points out that with Kwame and Chelsea, it seems like Kwame is making most of the decisions and Chelsea is coming on too strong. She’s not realizing that she’s asking him for a lot of life-changing compromises, without giving him a minute to process and register.
Relationships should be reciprocal. It’s a two-way street. And the compromises need to go both ways.
Your Friends Need to Stay Out of it [16:45]
It’s great that your friends are protective. But there’s a line that needs to be set. While they may have certain (valid) opinions, the decision is yours and yours alone. You’re dating him, and you need to be the one to suss him out, in your own time, and in your own way.
Don’t outsource the qualifying of the guy you’re dating.
Paul and Micah are an example of that. Marni and Chris point out that Micah’s friends are mean girls that are constantly attacking Paul, and Micah doesn’t do anything about it. And that’s a red flag.
Moreover, it’s time for the mean-girls attitude to be permanently canceled. Pick better friends, and even when you do, set boundaries when it comes to their opinions or negative interactions with your boyfriend or the person you’re dating.
At the end of the day, your relationship should be between you and the person you’re with.
Make a Connection:
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Marni welcomes author, educator and TEDx speaker, Nancy Sokol Green, to the Life Check Yourself Studio, where they discuss the physical and internal mechanisms that affect our actions and by extension, our behavior in relationships. The duo talks about what it means to look at our foundations with the intent to start fixing. Our behaviors are a result of an underdeveloped lower brain. But what does that mean? It means that, for some, automatic body functions that are supposed to be fully developed are not, which goes on to dictate much of the way they act externally. Nancy dives into the details behind these functions and their influence on us. But, ultimately, to change, it takes going back to basics, back to our foundations.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to change the biology reaction in your patterns
- Fixing the Foundations
- How is your lower brain impacting your actions?
- If it’s not there internally, it won’t be there externally
- Why can’t you forgive?
- How to develop your lower brain
Look at the Foundation of the House, not the Roof [01:27]
It’s about asking the questions that are going to get you to where you need to be by looking at the root cause, and not hyper-focusing on the symptom. Nancy uses the analogy of a crooked roof to explain her approach. The author elaborates that it’s not so much about looking at the crooked roof and trying to fix it but rather finding the cracks and gaps that are in the foundations. Because once those are fixed, then the walls; the roof; and everything is set up right. Once, we’ve learnt to look at things from that perspective, our gears begin to shit, and our mindset starts to change.
In this context, we’re talking about our brain and our nervous system. How are they currently wired? Nancy talks about the concept of the lower brain and explains that parts of our lower brain are sometimes not completely developed.
As adults, we’re supposed to have all these automatic functions that we’re supposed to have when our lower brain is fully developed. But that’s not always the case. That being said, the way these automatic functions are wired affects a lot of aspects within our lives.
For example, there’s gravitational security, which is about whether or not we feel physiologically secure and grounded to the earth; some people don’t have that. And for them, it’s like they’re walking throughout life on a high rope.
I’m already more concerned in my life about falling than connecting with you. If I don’t feel grounded physically, how am I going to feel grounded emotionally?
The physical then transfers to the emotional state as well. Another example of physical functions that transfer to relationships is our peripheral vision. Some people who lack in that department find it manifesting into their relationship. Their world is literally all that’s in front of them; it’s all about them; there’s no right and no left.
Developing Your Lower Brain [14:50]
When plan A, which is developing the lower brain in the first year of life, doesn't work out, all is not lost. Now, it’s time for plan B.
A lot of people are missing automatic functions. And they don’t realize what they’re missing because they don’t get it until they actually feel that function. And what makes the brain brilliant is that it allows you to change it. And it’s always changing, either way, whether you’re doing it consciously or not.
But if you don’t have a say in how it changes, there’s a good chance it might change in a way called maladaptation.
To change your brain, you just need guidance. It takes work, but once you’ve got it down, it stays with you for life.
Stamp Memories [19:38]
We all have a million things that stress us out throughout the day, the week, the month, or the year. However, what happens is that we’re supposed to solve these little incidents as we go along. And when we do, usually what happens is once we’re gone to sleep, the brain continues to work at night in order to consolidate these memories. Once consolidated, they’re given a metaphorical time stamp and filed away not to be brought up again.
But what if you haven’t resolved that issue that happened in your day? Then your nervous system, whose job is to keep you safe, becomes concerned. The incident hasn’t been resolved; the memory hasn’t gotten consolidated nor has it gotten filed in the archives. What happens then is that it’s likely to show up again throughout your life. Because as soon as there’s a trigger, and it could be a small one, your nervous system scans your history, remembers that particular unresolved issue, flags it, and you end up reacting in a more extreme way because it feels bigger than it is. It brings you back to that no-date stamp memory.
We don’t just have one or two no-date stamps. It’s not like you forget the memory if it’s a really big thing, but it’s the charge; it’s that charge that you’re bringing up to the present.
Make a Connection:
- Nancy’s Book: nancysokolgreen.com
- Nancy’s Program: Brainhighwaysglobal.com
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