Marni welcomes world renowned author and life relationship coach, Bryan Reeves, in the Life Check Yourself studio, to discuss the dynamics in a relationship. The author of the recently released book, Choose Her Every Day (or Leave Her), Bryan delves into the semantics of how men perceive things versus how women perceive them. In this episode, the pair talk about what connection actually means, and how it is defined in relation to a person’s experiences throughout life. Men and women aren’t wired the same, but that doesn’t mean that men don’t desire intimacy just as much as women do, they just go about it differently. Marni and Bryan look into the misconceptions and stereotypes that have given men a bad rep; and how women have interacted with these preconceived notions ingrained in us by society.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Is he an F-boy or actually profoundly sensitive?
- Men perceive connection differently than women
- How to communicate your needs
- A relationship of invitation vs a relationship of obligation
- How to meet in the middle
- He wants intimacy too
Women Are From Venus, Men Are From… [01:37]
There’s a far-reaching misconception, when it comes to dating, that men don’t want intimacy. Society has continually fed into that narrative that men don’t care about forming a connection with their partner, and that intimacy isn’t their thing. But is that actually the case?
Men and women are wired differently. But at the end of the day, we’re all human beings, and we all crave the same basic things. We just perceive it in different forms. Bryan explains that contrary to popular belief, men are actually profoundly sensitive. But due to years of programming instilling in them the notion that insecurities or feelings are a weakness, it’s become a habit they’ve taken into adulthood.
We do come at things very differently. Men [do] want connection, too. That’s a fact.
That’s not to say that some men aren’t F-boys. But every human being has insecurities; has a need to belong; and a need to be understood. Men are not exempt from wanting connection. They just have a different picture of what that looks like.
If the house isn’t on fire, you’re doing something right [05:17]
Bryan elaborates that a majority of men view connection in a larger spectrum. If everything is running smoothly, the bills are paid, and the house isn’t on fire, then all’s good, and you’re good. Whereas for a majority of women, connection means something entirely different.
Quoting Terry Real, the successful podcast host breaks it down in laymen terms. He explains that for some, mainly men, connection is experienced shoulder to shoulder, which means that it’s you and your partner experiencing the world together side by side. Rather than, nose to nose, which is more internal. Whereas one gender views connection as doing activities together and facing the external together; the other views it as experiencing each other and connecting on a face to face, or soul to soul level. The latter being more intimate. But the way we translate intimacy is intertwined to how we’ve experienced it growing up, within our own lives.
A lot of us grew up in homes where intimacy wasn’t practiced in that way. For a lot of people, that was even unsafe to be nose to nose, or face to face, because that meant I could get crushed.
For many men, as long as everything is functional, then everything is good regardless of what’s actually going on in the relationship.
However we practice intimacy, balance is a key component. While it is pivotal for a relationship to include both types of connection, space and knowing when to give it and when to receive it is important. That’s where balance comes into play.
We get into relationships with the fantasy that ‘I’m going to get my needs met, and my desires met just as I want them to be.’ And even then, when we do get them met, there’s a part of us that has a visceral repulsion because actually that’s not balanced. It’s just me getting a fantasy of something that’s unsustainable.
How to Make Him Understand You [ 09:52]
There’s a distinction that Bryan makes which is invitation versus obligation. If you’re coming from a relationship as invitation, then that might fare better for you.
We’re adults, it’s human nature to want autonomy over our wants and our desires. No one wants to feel obligated. So, coming to your partner from a space that makes him feel obligated isn’t always the right way to take up your complaints. Whereas when it’s framed as an invitation, it’s indirectly telling your partner that this is where you’d like for them to meet you, and it’s up to them to choose. It restores their sense of freedom.
I think a relationship done well is an endless invitation; it’s an endless series of invitation.
To get to that balance and that level within a relationship takes years, and doesn’t happen overnight. But understanding the foundation of what connection means to each person is indispensable.
A Relationship done well is a paradox. It is an obligation that I am freely choosing to step into.
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Marni, Chris and Dr.Emily use reality tv show, Love is Blind, as a blueprint for the behaviors and habits that should have you running for the hills. The contestants’ actions and reactions echo much of the dos and don’ts that we fall into when dating IRL. The trio ponder the signs that could be used as a warning hazard when it comes to jumping into the dating pool. They take a deep dive into the interpersonal interactions that are part and parcel of the reality show and much of the time, our own lives.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Collect your own data before making a snap judgment
- Forgiveness is important
- No one’s agreeable round the clock
- His transparency is a good sign
- Does he avoid conflict at all costs?
- Love takes work
Should You Listen to His Friends? [12:18]
When his friends tell you he’s flaky, should you believe them? Or maybe they’ve convinced you that he’s selfish, should that be a warning sign for you to run for the hills?
It’s natural for your instinctive reaction to lean towards believing them. After all, they are his friends. And in some cases, they might be right. But context is everything. Your experience with him should count for something. Collecting data on the person from your own firsthand experience, in the grand scheme of things, should carry more weight than what someone says or doesn’t say about your partner. If what they’re saying rings true, then that to a certain extent, has been your experience with him. It also depends on what it is that’s being said.
Marni brings up Matt and Coleen as an example of this. Matt’s character is somewhat aggressive, and he projects onto the person he’s dating. And his friends seem to corroborate that by adding that he has big emotions, which is not completely inaccurate in this particular case.
Mark was also completely unforgiving towards Coleen in certain instances, in that he didn’t have the ability to hear her out before choosing to react. So, maybe his friends weren’t completely off-base. And that’s what Coleen’s experience with him brought to light.
That being said, ultimately, regardless of whether or not you choose to believe his friends, trust what he’s showing you, and do your own digging before dismissing.
Transparency is Key [20:30]
A common mistake couples make IRL is lack of transparency. A lot of times, people aren’t transparent with their emotions, or their feelings towards certain behaviors coming from their partner. With SK and Raven, he never addressed any of the issues he had within the relationship, even when some of her demands seemed outrageous. SK didn’t even make an effort to discuss them.
And that’s not dissimilar to what happens on the dating scene. Chris adds that it’s borderline selfish. Because when your partner doesn’t speak up in an effort to avoid conflict at all cost; they end up hurting you anyway in most cases. For any relationship to work, you need to be honest with each other, even when your lack of transparency is in an effort to protect your partner. Trust that they can handle the truth, and that you can sort it out together, rather than going off and making decisions on your own, on both your behalf. And not being honest about them.
You think you’re protecting somebody but you’re actually setting them up for a really devastating experience. That’s not kind; that’s not helping your partner; that’s not being supportive.
Sometimes he’s not a jerk; he’s just oblivious [25:35]
Marni points to a scene on Love is Blind that is a perfect example of taking things out of context, where Cole’s words are misconstrued by Zanab, and he’s accused of commenting negatively on her weight. The scene leaves viewers wondering if Cole was in fact body-shaming Zanab. Upon getting the full picture, it’s apparent that Zanab was projecting her own insecurities onto him. Zanab’s insecurities run so deep that she almost sees the world through that lens.
She’s filtering the entire world in such a way that she’s only hearing what is kind of resounding with her own fears.
That being said, Cole has also proven over and over again throughout the season that he's oblivious, not just in terms of Zanab’s relationship with food and her own body but in general.
In this particular situation, Dr.Emily clarifies that she feels for both of them. On the one hand, Cole is completely unaware of how deep his partner’s issues run, and on the other hand, Zanab is so completely drowned by her own insecurities that she may not even realize she’s projecting. Both these behaviors can, and do happen with all of us.
It’s important to note the difference between when we’re self-projecting and when the person has actually done something to offend us. And this confusion usually happens when we’re not self-aware.
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Marni welcomes Sarah Baldwin, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and Trauma Coach in the Life Check Yourself studio, to inspect the system that controls all of our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Sarah was trained at the Polyvagal Institute, and has worked with different modalities including attachment and nervous system regulation. In this episode, the pair look at the driver, or rather the soldier behind our anxieties; our stress; our fear; our rage; as well as our feelings of joy, creativity, wonder, intimacy and peace. Sarah breaks down the role our nervous system plays in the wide spectrum of human emotion. It is a system that plays a pivotal role in the regulation of our sensations, our thoughts and our relationship with ourselves and the world.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to change your behavior
- What’s the autonomic nervous system got to do with it?
- Shutting down is your body’s way of protecting you
- Where does it all begin?
- Your past informs your present behavior
- Why doesn’t your nervous system understand you?
It’s not You, it’s Your Autonomic Nervous System [03:00]
The foundation of everything that happens within us is a system that lives inside each one of us. It’s the autonomic nervous system. Whether we feel happy, sad, anxious, stressed or excited, it can all be traced back to the nervous system.
It’s the system that is responsible for how we feel, the sensations in our body, our behaviors, our thoughts, and the way with which we perceive ourself and the world around us. Everything is decided upon by what’s happening in that system.
But how does it work? Sarah explains that everybody has a database of information that has been acquired throughout the years. This storage unit has a collection of the good, the bad, the dangerous and the inter-generational experiences in your life. And our autonomic nervous system has a threat detector, that basically sifts through the data to analyze the level of danger in any situation unfolding in the present. It is doing this constantly and consistently. Whether you’re at the supermarket, at the beach, or at a friend’s house, your threat detector is looking at the receptacle of past information to gauge potential threat in any given situation. It’s your threat detector that decides, based on past experiences, whether you are safe, or in danger in the moment. If it decides you’re safe, then that’s what is termed as a state of regulation.
Understanding your nervous system and how it works, is the first step in your healing journey.
Your Nervous System is Stuck in the Past [ 06:22]
Where does chronic anxiety come from? Or stress? These states of panic manifest when your nervous system takes a deep dive into your past experiences to assess the current situation. When your threat detector finds the current event to be unsafe, the nervous system goes into protection mode, which results in three states. It is at that moment where we experience rage, panic, racing thoughts, anxiety and so on.
The reason we become dysregulated when we’re actually in safety is because our system doesn’t know the past is over.
From past traumas, Sarah adds, our system ends up experiencing a form of chronic anxiety even though we’re actually safe. That’s how you end up dysregulated. This extends to your relationships with the people around you, and how you attach yourself to them. Your nervous system dictates much of your interactions in a relationship. But it’s not enough to just acknowledge this information. After acknowledgment comes action.
We’ve got this vehicle inside of us, we have to learn about the vehicle, and then we need to get in the driver’s seat.
When our nervous system tells us we’re unsafe, we become dysregulated. Learning how to address our nervous system is the first step to learning how to self-regulate.
Nervous systems read each other, so a calm nervous system calms another nervous system down.
Your Nervous System is Not Out to Get you [18:27]
Our body is constantly trying to protect us. This extends to our nervous system. It’s not trying to cause us harm, it’s not dysfunctional and it’s not confused.
If you find yourself dysregulated, or if you’ve got relationship dynamics that are problematic for you – which causes you to become dysregulated – your nervous system is basically saying ‘you’re not safe right now’, based on past informational data.
Your nervous system is always working towards trying to avoid pain and suffering. When it has identified that a particular situation or trigger, as per its collection of past experiences, has caused you harm before, it signals danger. It’s constantly working towards identifying all the possibilities of how a past trauma might occur again and as such overwhelm or hurt you. That’s its job.
That does not mean that you’re broken, nor does it mean that your system isn’t working right. It actually means the opposite.
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Marni welcomes mindfulness and soulfulness coach, and podcast host of On This Walk, Luke Iorio, and they delve into what it takes to lead a purposeful life. The former CEO and president of the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) shares his own personal journey with finding his way back to himself, and as a result to leading a life of inner balance and connection. Having helped thousands of clients and listeners in their quest for meaning, Luke divulges the tools to help you reconnect with your true self. It’s about awareness, rather than blame; courage rather than shame; and owning your role within your own life.
Takeaways from this episode:
- What are the questions you should be asking yourself?
- How you can live life on your own terms
- Change is fluid
- The universe is constantly conspiring to make you whole
- Awareness is the first step
- How to own your role in the situation
It’s Not About Making Lemonade Out of Those Lemons [08:47]
When you bear in mind that whatever rough spot you’re in, is either your transformation moment, or it’s preparing you for a transformation, your perspective starts to shift. And this isn’t about positivity for the sake of positivity. Luke shares the insights he’s gained from his own journey, and years of experience in the field by explaining that the universe is always conspiring to return you to wholeness through the experiences it hands you.
It’s through these traumas, negative experiences and losses, that we begin to understand what is within us. That’s how you begin to decipher what the universe is trying to tell you.
These are hardships are what lead us to the questions that matter: what are the parts of you that you feel like you’ve disowned? what are the corners of you that you feel have shut-down? And that’s not to shift blame, but rather to acknowledge that there is a reason, you closed off certain areas of yourself; there’s a reason for everything you’ve done. The journey begins when you start finding out why.
At any given moment, the experience I’m having is returning me to wholeness.
Life isn’t trying to beat you down; it’s trying to lead you back to yourself. All you have to do is listen. And to do that takes faith and humility.
We get fragmented through all these different little experiences, we leave little pieces of ourselves in our histories, in our traumas, in our hurts and pains. And life is always trying to return them to us.
Step Out of the Moment and Look at the Whole Picture [13:42]
You’re not broken; you’re whole. That’s something we often forget to remind ourselves of. But being aware of your role in any given situation isn’t about putting yourself down, it’s about understanding where that decision came from.
When we look at a situation unfolding before us, we assume that it’s happening in the present, explains Luke. But, that’s actually not the case, it is the culmination of all the perceptions, beliefs, attitudes, patterns and conditioning that we’ve absorbed and built over the past decade or so. Ultimately the recurring conflicts that appear consistently as we interact with the world are a result of our histories. Exploring that is what informs our decisions. That’s where awareness comes into play.
When we recognize our role in a certain situation, the whole picture begins to get a little clearer.
What you’re doing is opening that window of taking responsibility where you can start taking responsibility and begin changing the way you’re relating to your participation in whatever is going on.
Life Moves in Cycle [23:00]
It’s not news; life is in a state of perpetual change. And yet, we tend to forget the fluidity that is the very nature of life. Everything in life goes through cycles. Luke elaborates that the reason for discomfort and unhappiness is that very often we hold on to the things that are trying to be let go of.
Change doesn’t work that way, it’s meant to be more fluid. It’s not meant to be controlled.
Being aware of that means being able to ebb and flow rather than attempt to change the very nature of life. Because resisting ends up creating rigidity. Whereas leaning into it, and understanding that universal truth eventually leads to a deeper change within you.
Make a Connection:
- Luke's Free Alignment Workbook
- Subscribe to our Youtube Channel
- Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!
- Follow Along On Marni and Jeremy’s Radical Living Challenge!
- Download A Complimentary Copy Of Our Book — How To Find A Quality Guy Without Going On 200 Dates