Are you sabotaging yourself early on in a relationship?
Is it you or your date who is emotionally unavailable?
In this one-on-one client session, Marni welcomes Suzanne to share her story. Suzanne can't seem to get past the first or second date with guys she is meeting. Her last date ended with a total clash in values. She has done a ton of work on herself but feels like there is some unconscious crap keeping her stuck.
Are You Afraid of Getting Hurt or Is It Something Else? [1:34]
Suzanne describes her past relationships. She has been married and divorced twice and has had two other significant relationships in her life. Her self-worth was low when she met her first husband. Her second marriage lasted 20-years but it beat her down. And, her two relationships since have been with emotionally unavailable men.
She still believes she is unworthy of having a guy who will stick with her for the long term.
Marni asks her to explain how is it serving her? Suzanne realizes if she feels she is always unworthy it also keeps her from committing.
Do you Choose to Survive or Thrive? [8:04]
Marni points out that by not feeling worthy Suzanne continues to attract men who won't commit. She fears rejection and limits her courage for surviving but she doesn't use it to thrive.
So, how does Suzanne want to experience the next part of her love life? Is it worth opening her heart again? Suzanne says she wants to experience true unabiding love. She doesn't want to leave the planet without figuring relationship stuff out.
When she shows up on an in-person date she is more cautious about putting herself out there. Her fear is leaking into her communications, her dates, and the rest of her life. Suzanne decides she wants to show up on a date as herself like she is with her friends.
She wholeheartedly agrees to bring her surfer girl attitude to the dating game.
Listen to the language you use. It is the key to your true feelings.
Are You Being Vulnerable or Firehosing Your Dates? [22:08]
Suzanne admits to divulging a lot of information about herself early on when dating and she says it sometimes it scares guys away. When discussing what she does for a living she brings up spiritual/religious topics early on in the relationship — but it's important to her. It’s one of her dealbreakers.
Marni advises her to more deeply consider the parameters she uses to rule men out. And as part of her commitment, she should make sure she doesn't sabotage herself.
Suzanne’s important takeaways are to look at every date as a surf trip and everything will go smoothly. And, she pledges to have deeper conversations about values and ask more important questions of her dates.
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