Marni welcomes behavioral relationship expert Tracy Crossley into the Life Check Yourself studio. Tracy is an author and podcast host who helps people with unhealthy life and relationship patterns. transform parts of their character such as imposter syndrome, insecure attachment styles, negative belief systems, destructive self-talk, and more. She has a background in psychology and an innate emotional intuition.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Many people know of their attachment style but few know how to use the information to enrich their lives and move from an insecure attachment style to a healthy one. Tracy explains that when she first read the book Attached she didn't think it applied to her even though she identified as an anxious-avoidant. After thinking about it, she decided she didn't want to live in a dysfunctional space.
She says, our original attachment style comes from how we received love when we were children. We incorporate our early feelings of what we think love is into our adult relationship dynamics. Each attachment style plays out differently, but it always comes down to a self-worth issue.
The avoidant attachment style is fear of being rejected and abandonment. Those with this type of attachment style either stay away from relationships or are emotionally unavailable in the relationships they get in. Sometimes, they are looking for the perfect partner who doesn't exist.
Feeling Our Feelings [8:15]
Tracy says emotional reactions come from a story we react to. To heal, we need to uncover the motivating feeling at the base of our reactions.
We tend to victimize ourselves in the stories we tell ourselves. To get to our deeper feelings, we need to question what is the true reality and then take responsibility for the choices we actively made.
Our bodies hold our emotions. Emotions are not just thoughts. When we feel overwhelmed, Tracy recommends riding the wave of the feeling until it goes away. You will be less anxious and more in control of yourself. If a childhood feeling keeps coming back.
We get caught up in our stories. But if we are courageous and go deep down to find the truth we can find freedom from our false identity.
The 90-second tool for Life Check Yourself listeners:
If you go on a date with someone you are not sure about and feel the urge to bolt because something about the person irks you. The urge to bolt is coming from a place of fear. Drop into your feelings and stay for 90-seconds more. Use this technique for any situation you want to bolt from. Be quiet, be curious, and listen.
The more self-awareness we have the better our decisions are and the more we learn to trust ourselves.
Step Out of Imposter Syndrome and into Your Authentic Self [30:10]
In our early stages of development, we lack self-awareness. We are constantly deciding who we need to be to get what we want from others. We decide what kind of characteristics we can adopt to get attention, validation, and love. When we enter a relationship, and people try to get to know the real us we fear they will try to see the real us. Then we feel ashamed about being an imposter. It’s a vicious cycle.
Make life a journey of curiosity instead of being judgmental. Take your time to discover your authentic self.
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