Marni welcomes the foremost expert in unhealthy love addiction, Sherry Gaba to the podcast. Sherry is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach, and author who helps women cope with codependency, love addiction, toxic relationships, and all the mental health issues that go with it. Sherry has been featured on VH1 Celebrity Rehab, CNN, Inside Edition, and in Cosmopolitan and the LA Times. Her podcast, The Love Fix focuses on key learnings from her book, Love Smacked.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Signs of love addiction and obsessive love
Three types of trauma bonding in relationships
Why we attract toxic relationships
How to break free from the cycle of love addiction
Being vulnerable to love bombers and predators
Sherry shares the common signs and symptoms of love addiction. It is a lifestyle process addiction that has the same mood-altering effects as a physical addiction with withdrawal symptoms. If there is a break up it can feel as difficult as overcoming an addiction to drugs.
Many love addicts suffer from severe abandonment issues. They will turn themselves into a pretzel to do the bidding of the people they believe they love because they can't stand to be alone.
How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship? Sherry says the telltale signs are: If you are walking on eggshells, craving their attention and validation, giving up who you are to please them, or second-guessing yourself because of something they tell you. You need to resolve some childhood trauma.
Love-Bombing and Devaluing [8:14]
Sherry describes love bombing as over-the-top courting and lavish gift-giving. Someone who is love bombing you will say your relationship is fated and that you are soul mates. They want to suck you in right away.
The biggest hallmark of love bombers shows up when the other person tries to set a boundary and they won't have it. Someone who legitimately cares will respect your boundaries.
Codependent love addicts are prone to accepting a tsunami of affection because they need validation, and they want to be loved and needed. Sherry says we seek out people that fit into our unresolved childhood traumas.
Trauma Bonding & How to Have Healthy Relationships [22:18]
People get into toxic relationships for a myriad of reasons but a common theme is they feel bonded by trauma. The push and pull of the cycle of love-bombing can feel like trying to get a parent’s attention as a child. Sherry says there is no shame in feeling the way we do. The important thing is that we realize what is happening, get out of the relationship, and find a therapist to help us through our traumas.
To meet someone with a mature attachment style we need to be working toward our mature attraction style.
When we find ourselves in a relationship and a guy suddenly bows out, or doesn’t stay for the long term it could be because he realizes he can’t meet our unhealthy needs.
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Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to find Everlasting Love
Wake Up Recovery for Toxic Relationships, Codependency and Love Addiction