Marni and Chris are back to dish about the newest season of the Bachelorette. Katie Thurston was a contestant on the Matt James Bachelor season and is now in the hot seat and looking for a life-long partner. She is authentic, playful, and #SexPositive. Let’s dive into the dating lessons that came out of the first episode of the new season.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Bachelorette Katie Thurston was on the Matt James Bachelor season. She brought the vibrator to the limo introduction. Know we get to know more about Katie and what she means when she declares herself #SexPositive.
Marni and Chris discuss how #SexPositive means you can do what you want and still feel good about being you. There is still resistance from some groups who hold on to the double standard that men can sleep around but, if a woman does it, she is slutty.
If you sleep with someone on the first date, does it ruin your chances at a long-term relationship?
Marni says when you wake up the next day and you still love yourself no matter what happened the night before, that is #SexPositivity. But, she cautions having sex with someone for the wrong reasons such as you think you will get them, you think that if you don't they will not want to see you again, or you feel shitty afterward, or he doesn't call and you beat yourself up. That is not dating with dignity.
Guys Get Awkward on First Dates Too [11:14]
Chris admits guys get nervous before first dates too. And, it is especially scary for guys to reach over and make the first kiss. He advises giving the guy a break much like Katie did with the guys who were nervous and sweating when meeting her. Remember, it is a produced show with lights, cameras, and crew all standing around. It can be unnerving.
The rule of thumb is to rule people in before you rule people out.
Does Bachelorette Katie Have a Type? [20:19]
At the beginning of the show, Katie says doesn't really have a type and she is open to meeting all types of people but Marni recalls when one of the bachelors got out of the limo Katie said, “OMG, that guy is totally my type.”
Marni questions Chris about possible predictions about Katie’s type based on her backstory and childhood. It was clear she longs to fit in, Chris says. He adds, she might act tough or be secretly sensitive and then asks Marni if she feels Katie is ready to identify, appreciate, and nurture a long-term partner.
Marni likes Katie’s authenticity and playfulness but it is simply too early to tell how she will date. She says we, the audience, had our first date with Katie last night too. Marni speculates that Katie may want someone to fall in love with her because of her desire to belong or she may be interested in the fixer-upper type of guy.
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Marni speaks with an expert in love and intimacy who is known as the queen of juicy love. Stacey Murphy is a recovering perfectionist who helps professional women get out of the competitive self and integrate love, sex, and money into a powerful cocktail.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Both men and women have masculine and feminine energies. As women, it is in our nature to lean more into our feminine and for males to lean more into their masculine. Modern society has conditioned and programmed many women to lean into their masculine in order to further their career aspirations.
Expert, Stacey Murphy says these three things are the top reasons relationships fail:
When we get hunkered down into only seeing things the way we see them and neither partner wants to budge, but we still want to be in a relationship with our partner it can cause incompatibility. To overcome this, Stacey recommends trying to understand the other person’s nature versus their nurture.
The need to be right. It can prevent us from hearing the truth. When we come from a place of unhealed wounds, we can be anchored in our beliefs but it may not be our true nature.
As a woman are you in your feminine power, or your nature? Are you reacting to your conditioning, programming, or environment? Or, are you in your true nature?
Lead with Your Strengths [17:21]
It may be a generalization, but men view money as a stepping stone to get them to the next part or phase of life. Men gamble with money more, they invest it differently and they have a different attitude about the role money plays in their life.
Many women view money from the viewpoint of safety and security. They want to hold on to it. Stacey advises women not to hoard their money or hold on to it because the scarcity mentality can cause strife in a relationship.
Professional women, earn whatever you want to earn just be careful not to emasculate your partner if you earn more money. Because it can torpedo your relationship toward incompatibility and money issues.
Relationships are about collaboration, not competition.
The 4 Pillars of Love [17:21]
Stacey explains how the four pillars of love connect to the man code formula and the secret to understanding men. And, how women can match themselves to a man.
The four pillars of love are:
Just like the four legs of a chair, the ‘legs’ of a relationship can be a little off-balance or off-kilter, but if one leg is broken the chair or relationship will fall.
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Marni speaks with an expert in love and worthiness, former Miss USA, Terri Britt. Terri is a spiritual coach who works with women to increase their worthiness quotient. She is an award-winning author of the book, The Enlightened Mom and offers Dating Den listeners a free ebook.
Key takeaways from this episode:
As children, we closely observe our parents, and we mimic them. Most parents unknowingly use statements that make children feel not enough. Statements such as, in order to get that you must do this. Children then subconsciously take on the belief they are not enough. We grow up believing we have to prove our worth.
Terri shares her journey through relationships and love. She dated Wayne Newton at the height of his career and gave him power over her because she was grasping for love. After her personal transformation, when she finally took a stand for loving herself and clearing out old energy, she saw all the reasons he was bad for her.
Marni makes the point that when we start to do the inside work, all of our exes seem to come back into our lives. It’s a kind of litmus test where we have to make better choices for ourselves. The unhealthy dynamic is gone and we can see how much we have developed personally.
Our spirits are here to go on a journey. People come into our lives to show us things we need to learn.
Raising Vibrations & Worthiness [21:04]
Terri says our thoughts emit vibrations. Whatever vibrations we hold are what the universe sends us in return. It is what we attract. Terri wanted passion in her life so she kept holding the vision, even though she didn’t know how it would manifest.
If we want to feel worthy, we have to love and nurture ourselves. We have to get rid of the belief that something is wrong with us.
Terri says women tend to grasp at trying to find a person to be in our lives. They put up a facade because we do not feel enough. But, she adds, we are missing the boat because we are energetically sending out that who we are is not enough. We send mixed vibrations out into the world. If we perform, believing we need to act a certain way to be worthy of love, we attract things that are not loving, supportive, nurturing, or beautiful.
When you stop performing, you take back the authority of your life and you become a woman leader.
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Marni speaks with Certified Financial Planner Sean Fitts about how he works with smart, professional women to create financial freedom and independence so they can get everything they want from life. If you are single, divorced, or widowed, Sean offers important money tips and insights you need to know about.
Key takeaways from this episode:
First and foremost, no matter what their relationship status is women need to understand money basics, says Sean. It is OK to delegate more in-depth monetary transactions but knowing the basics will keep a bank account from being overdrawn and, more importantly, provide financial security.
Don't be afraid to say "I don't know what that means” when talking to a trusted advisor about financial planning.
The golden rule of financial security is to have a minimum of three months of what you spend, in cash and available to you in the event of an unintended major life event. Sean says, if you are single, protect your income with disability or job loss insurance.
Divorces and Deaths [21:04]
Sometimes life throws us relationship curveballs. And, finances can change drastically as relationships change. Sean advises women to not make any major financial decisions or changes soon after a life shift. The goal is creating financial stability to help sort through the noise of the well-meaning people in our lives. Find your own voice and refrain from making emotionally-based money decisions.
Money is important to talk about while dating. Sean says unless you want to raise a child, a man should be able to pay his own way. If you value financial security, it is important to ask money questions early because financial decisions affect every long-term relationship.
Many men believe they will work until they die. Financial planning is about more than having an income.
The right guy is willing to have money conversations because they want the same things from a relationship.
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Today, Marni speaks with a former victim of heartbreak and grief. Michael Golowyn was plagued with rejection, abandonment, and failed relationships for 20-years until he learned to transform his heartbreak into inspiration. Author of the bestselling book, Transforming Your Life V2, Michael discovered a unique solution to overcome heartache and draw in the right person.
Key takeaways from this episode:
After a devastating break-up in 2016, Michael realized he had an opportunity to work on himself. He found time to work on a process that works for heartbreak, but it also helps singles manifest their ideal partner. His process is adapted from John DiMartini’s groundbreaking work.
Michael says when we are highly emotional, we are operating from the amygdala, and when we experience a break-up, we go through withdrawal. Exactly like withdrawals from an addiction. We become addicted to certain qualities of a partner. When we break-up, we must grieve and break our addiction.
Our subconscious only sees half the data when we are emotional.
To recover, we need a substitute to latch on to. Michael says it relates to the Conservation of Energy principle, one of the most fundamental laws in physics.
One by one we must replace the addiction to our ex's attributes. It helps bring down the grief. Our survival instincts are to move away from pain and toward pleasure. We need to stop and use our intuition instead of instincts.
If the relationship you are grieving is based on sex, comfort, or safety Michael’s process works the same for every type. He says to make a list of everything you miss about your ex and consider who else in your life can replace those feelings.
Ask yourself high-quality questions to remember when your ex exhibited an attribute you were infatuated with and identify how it was a disadvantage to your life and how it harmed your life. Eventually, you recognize how bad your ex was for you.
Life has a way of evolving itself around what our values are.
Singles may be perpetually single because there is a subconscious pain associated with being in relationships they are not acknowledging.
They may have unconscious motives to stay single and unresolved baggage.
Michael says our past partners reflect everything, even issues we have with our parents. They are in our life for a time to help us wake up. It's feedback. We have all the answers we just need to know how to work it.
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In this exclusive episode of the Dating Den, Marni speaks with the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation, Connell Barrett. He teaches men to unlock their most confident and authentic selves so they can connect with wonderful women without being creepy. As a current dater, Connell is all about dating with integrity. He says he can fix any dating problem because he has been through them all!
Key takeaways from this episode:
Believe it or not, men have difficulty dating too. They may put on a brave face but lack the confidence to make the first move. Connell coaching clients say the two biggest problems they face are:
Connell says men feel like they have to be witty and funny all the time. They need to know that it is ok to lower the bar and be curious about their date. They don't have to be on all the time. It relaxes guys to know that women don’t expect a show.
Marni asks, what makes a guy feel comfortable on a date so he doesn't feel judged? Or, what if someone shows up on a date and it's not going well... What can a woman do to save it for him?
A man has to realize his value, no matter how the date goes, Connell says. And, he advised women to ask their date to drop the act and show them who he really is because the guy is acting that way because it comes from an insecure place. He is afraid to be vulnerable.
Connell shares a personal example of how a woman helped him to date better. He used to overcompensate. He was arrogant and acting cool, when she asked “why can’t you just be yourself?” It changed his dating life forever.
You can't force chemistry which is what makes it magical.
One of the worst things a guy can do is make a woman think he is interested and then just stop returning texts and never calling again. So, Marni asks the burning question we all want to know the answer to, Why Do Men Ghost?
Connell says it is basically because they are afraid to say something the other person needs to hear. Guys do it because they are trying to protect themselves from the pain or discomfort of telling a woman they have lost interest and no longer want to date them.
If you ghost someone they could interpret it as not being worthy so, do the right thing and be direct and open.
How to Move Past the Endless Texts [26:13]
When a guy sends several texts a day, it is a sign he is interested, but what if his texts are boring and mundane? Or, worse, he never gets to the asking you out on a date part. Connell advises women to take the lead in the conversation. Start a conversation that is more enjoyable for you. Start flirting and see if he follows.
If he doesn’t respond to flirting like you thought he would remember that many men are clueless. Everyone is afraid of rejection, men included. Anything a woman can do to let a guy know that if he asks her out her answer will be yes, the better.
Be flirty and playful when texting with men. What have you got to lose?
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This week’s guest originally appeared on episode three of the Dating Den podcast. Now, she is the VP of Client Success. Christine Kriner rejoins Marni on the show to share the incredible breakthroughs and relationship shifts she experienced after trusting the process.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Before joining the Institute of Living Courageously Crew, Christine worked for 20-years in the field of personal development. She helped others to develop themselves but never applied the lessons to her own life. She never experienced breakthroughs. But, after some deep listening to Marni's coachings and to the outcomes of other clients, she started applying it to her life and experienced some consequential shifts.
Christine says it changed her. She doesn't believe she would be in the amazing relationship she is in now if she hadn’t taken action and applied the lessons.
Christine says her father told her when she was young that humans aren't monogamous. So, she didn't expect it from her relationships. She would pick the wrong men, the bad boys. She thought she was attracted to the hard-to-get, handsome guy.
Marni and the other master coaches helped her go deeper to uncover some trust issues. She didn't trust herself and she never felt enough.
When Christine realized she was enough, she started setting boundaries and stopped over-giving of herself and her time. Suddenly, the energy of her relationship shifted. She expressed her needs to her partner and he would do whatever it was to make it happen. The relationship dynamic changed entirely. Christine stopped over-giving and her partner started giving of himself more.
There is no express bus to get the life you want. You have to make bold courageous moves to reach your vision.
Christine recommends trusting the process because if you do the work it pays off. She says even though she sometimes makes up a story in her head about a situation, she assesses where it came from and decides whether or not it is more about her past or a current need.
When you fail, fail forward because you learn something.
Christine’s advice for other women looking for a fulfilling relationship, ‘Look at every situation as a learning experience’. She never thought having a connected, vulnerable conversation with her partner would be the perfect Friday night date.
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In this lively episode, Marni and Chris discuss all the juicy Bachelor Nation drama. They question the motives of the men chosen to be on the show and spotlight Colton Underwood and Matt James’ escapades. Will this season go down in the history books as the most dramatic season ever? Probably, but there is always the next Bachelor in Paradise to look forward to.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni and Chris discuss the previous Bachelor, Colton Underwood. If you haven’t already heard, this 29-year-old man was enamored with a girl named Cassie even though he came out as gay on Good Morning America. Colton is accused of planting tracking devices on Cassie’s car and some other ‘light’ stalking activities.
Cassie has not reached out to him, nor made any public statement.
Chris asks Marni if guys deserve a second chance after these types of antics? He recalls a few times he did some ‘weird stuff’ after he suffered heartbreak or was under extreme emotional duress.
Chris also asks how someone can avoid staying too long in a bad relationship. Marni advises him to ask hard questions and trust his gut when it comes to the answers. Look at where you are and make adjustments. Be courageous and do what you need to do for yourself.
If someone isn't emotionally available that is a red flag.
Is Mr. Perfect only perfect on paper?
If Matt James had business cards he could confidently make his title, Player. Marni and Chris knew it from the beginning of the season. Since the season has ended a lot has come out about his no-good ways.
He texted Rachel after posting that he was breaking up with her. He then flew her to NYC to continue their relationship. It seems to be all about the social media attention with him. While this is going on, he was talking to another woman named Grace who he had dated before.
So, Rachel is heartbroken. Grace Amerling told him she wasn’t interested and then called Reality Steve and told him the whole story.
Matt James had no intention of settling down when he applied for The Bachelor.
Marni says, in the end, it is what are the values you are looking for in a person, they are consistently demonstrating through behavior over time. It doesn't matter what someone looks like on paper it is about how they are showing up. That's all you need to know.
Chris says, don't date anyone who would be on the Bachelor.
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Marni welcomes bestselling authors and professional coaches, the dynamic duo, Marc and Angel Chernoff into the Den. The couple discusses tips from their latest book, 1000+ Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships, secrets of a lasting relationship, and communication strategies to use in the dating process.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Relationships are a huge part of our lives. Therefore, the rituals and habits we build and adopt should focus on communication and relationships. A common myth is if we find the right person they will bring out the best in us and make us happy. In reality, WE are the key to our happiness, not another person.
How can we be life-giving to another human being if we are depleted?
When we are in a relationship we need to tune into the other person by checking in with them and inquiring how we can be of service to them. Asking high-quality questions can help us find a resolution before something turns into a problem.
If a couple reaches a point when a conversation is getting heated, Marc recommends putting ourselves in the right frame of mind. It is unwise to step into an argument when we are in an elevated emotional state.
It is easy to say something more harshly than we meant when we are irritated or hurt. If a partner leaks or has a moment, consciously take a pause.
How to come back to a conversation and say I am sorry in a healthy way?
After a pause, use a matter-of-fact statement such as ‘this is what I noticed, this is how it makes me feel, and this is what I need’. When talking about our feelings everyone is right.
People are attracted to energetically happy people. But, when we are meeting new people while dating there is a lot of uncertainty and discomfort. Marc reminds us that this is why it is important we find peace within ourselves.
First dates are about collecting data about the other person. What do you think of them, not what do they think of you? Often, we are partially consumed by that distraction and it pulls us away from collecting the information we should be collecting.
Our mistakes are not who we are. We learn the way, on the way.
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Marni welcomes a sex and intimacy coach into the Den. Irene Fair helps couples make love and sex work in long-term relationships while keeping the passion alive. Irene’s work has been featured in HuffPo, Elite Daily, Bustle, and Scary Mommy.
Key takeaways from this episode:
It's important to remember sex at the beginning of a relationship is special and unique. It should not be a benchmark for the sexual expectations of a long-term relationship.
When some women become asexual as their libido drops we rarely look at what has happened in a relationship or what is different than in the beginning when the partners first experienced each other.
Irene reminds us, there are various ways to have a sexual connection between partners. Sex doesn't have to mean only traditional intercourse. When we think of sex as only one thing we pigeonhole ourselves because it robs us of the richness of connection and intimacy.
We all need to let loose and surrender to the moment.
Contrary to popular belief, Irene recommends communicating sexual needs at the beginning of a relationship. She says do not wait until problems show up to discuss them with your partner. Because it is common for men to initiate or to lead the sexual aspect of a relationship. Therefore, he leads from his perspective or what works for him without fully understanding what works best for us.
It can lead women to try to keep up with or reject their partner which can create a negative dynamic.
Having our emotional needs met is the key to a woman’s sexual desire engine. Men function differently.
While it is important to communicate your sexual needs early in a relationship, Irene warns against having sex too soon while dating. She points out that once you are being manipulated by all those crazy hormones you will be bonded to a person before you know if they are right for you.
Hormones released during sex can keep you from recognizing potential red flags in a relationship.
Staying sober (free from hormones) during the beginning of a relationship allows us to ask important questions about what the future may look like with a person.
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Marni welcomes a fourth-generation journalist into the Den. Annie Daly has written about travel and wellness for Self, Travel + Leisure, Conde Nast, and she was the Travel Editor at Buzzfeed. During this episode, she shares key elements of her book, Destination Wellness, which includes wellness practices from six different cultures.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Annie met her husband on a camping trip. The original purpose of the trip was a girls-only weekend with the intention of escaping men. It just goes to show, you never know when or how you will meet your match.
About writing her book, Destination Wellness, Annie says she grew tired of the commercialism surrounding well-being and wellness. She knew there were ways to live in balance that had nothing to do with buying products. She decided to travel to six different cultures to learn more about their lifestyle and wellness philosophies. The countries she visited are Jamaica, Norway, Hawaii, Brazil, India, and Japan.
We don't have to buy our way into well-being.
Getting back to basics, embracing nature, and living in the moment are common threads that tie ancient wellness practices together. In other cultures, a wellness lifestyle is built into daily life from the start of life. It is a stark contrast to the U.S.
In Norway, Friluftsliv, or Free, Air, Life is practiced. It’s a shared belief that people should spend as much of their lives outside as possible. Schools are often held outside.
In Jamaica, the Ital philosophy means eating wholesome foods that were sourced locally.
In Hawaii, the spirit of Aloha is about the connection between all human beings, the love between us all. The harmonic culture believes that knowing who you are and understanding your roots helps you cultivate a greater sense of well being.
Philosophy for dating — Knowing who you are is the foundation for what you want to bring to a relationship. Date with Aloha. When you have the spirit of Aloha, you see everyone as a human who seeks and desires love, just like you.
In Japan, Ichigo Ichie means one time, one moment. This culture honors the little moments with someone and gleaning the most meaning from the moments you have.
In India, Ayurveda is a system of healing and honoring yourself as an individual. Identifying your dosha helps you better understand what foods to eat, best practices, workouts, and how to balance yourself in the world. This culture understands that wellness looks different for everyone.
In Brazil, they embrace Saudade. In its raw form, it is an emotional pain that comes from missing someone you love. If someone you love is gone, you suffer from loving them so much and not having them around. This culture holds the value of community over all else.
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Marni welcomes a woman who has her hands in many creative ventures, Natasha Chandel into the Den. Natasha was born in Dubai and now lives in LA. Depending on the day she is a comedy writer, actress, creative producer, podcast host, and more. During their chat they discuss the Kinda Dating Podcast, the influence of social media and reality dating shows on real-life dating, and how the pandemic has changed dating.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Natasha describes her podcast Kinda Dating as an exploration of commitment issues. She reveals that in the past she was a hardcore relationship girl. But after enduring an abusive relationship, she became a commitment-phobe. Through lots of therapy and personal development work, she has come out on the other side as a reformed commitment-phobe.
When we are on a date, we tend to judge the other person without realizing how we are showing up. We may be the quality casual daters who are showing up as emotionally unavailable and not even be aware of it.
When Natasha looks at the world of entertainment and social media, she believes people are used by technology instead of people using the technology. On the flip side, apps and social media ARE a great way for people to connect. Natasha admits to socially stalking people before she would go out on a date with them, but she doesn't want her entire relationship online.
One in three Gen Z'ers say their online identity is their most authentic self. But, Natasha says they may not understand what being your most authentic self means. They may not be old enough to understand who they are yet.
Marni brings up the documentary show Fake Famous. The producers use proven strategies to make three people instantly famous as social media influencers. The show highlights how fake social media influencers can be. It’s a digital construct.
Social media influencers are fake digital constructs. Do not measure your life against an image that isn't real.
Natasha reminds us that social media is a curated experience. Most people don't post the negative parts of life. Focus on the good things in your life so you spend less time comparing yourself to others. Marni adds when we seek validation from outside we are not filling up our self-love tank.
The pandemic has caused people to spend much more time online and swiping online connection apps. Most studies show this does not help people feel connected.
Natasha believes when the pandemic is over people will be over-the-top careless and start having sex with anybody and everybody. She says to wrap up! Put a condom on!
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On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss the season finale of the Bachelor. In this no-holds-barred episode, we learn how to detect red flags early when we meet a non-committal, Teflon-like Matt James type in the real dating world. A guy may be cute, and he may be charming but if he shows no interest in being vulnerable, he is emotionally unavailable.
Key takeaways from this episode:
The Bachelor episode, as disappointing as it was, held some beneficial lessons for real-world dating. Marni points out the Matt James attributes that make him a relationship-commitment-phobic f*&k boy. She warns us that in the end, a f*&k boy will be a dick. He may be cute, but he will disappear with no remorse. It pisses Marni off because he comes off as a guy who has potential.
From the male perspective, Chris says when men think of a f*&k boy, they think of an asshole. But, Matt James and those like him are wolves in sheep’s clothing. Even though he seems warm and fuzzy, he is a player.
The f*&k boy, the quality casual guy, or the crumbs guy isn't a bad person. He is human and he is going through his stuff. BUT, he is not for you.
In the episode, we learn that Michelle asks Matt for a few minutes off-camera to fully understand what happened and to get closure but he denies her. To add a drop of cruelty, he doesn't even say he is sorry he hurt her. He instead says, ‘I am sorry you had that reaction’.
Beyond being a jerk move, it is another example of Matt demonstrating that he doesn’t have any stock in the game. He has been doing this to Rachael the entire season. Marni says Racheal is emotionally unavailable also, that is why Matt knew he could be so rude.
Matt James isn't a quality guy. He didn't treat the women well AND he kisses with his eyes open!!
Chris and most of America want closure. Chris asks Marni, ‘What do you do when you can't get closure? How do you learn from it and move on?’
You can not hide from what you are leaking when you are in pain.
Marni recommends looking at your motivation for closure and there must be a grieving process. When any type of relationship or investment of time ends we need space to grieve and process what happened.
In conclusion, Matt James is a poster child for an emotionally unavailable person. And, Michelle will be America’s next Bachelorette.
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On this week's Dating Den, Marni speaks with the Founder and CEO of Collaborate.Work, Bevin Farrand. Bevin supports small businesses and entrepreneurs in developing and executing strategies to increase revenue. She has also created the ‘Take the Damn Trip’ movement and community. Her DAMN framework has inspired hundreds to connect with the people they love and do the crazy things that make all the difference.
Key takeaways from this episode:
In 2019, Bevin and her husband took an amazing trip to France to celebrate her birthday and reconnect with each other. Bevin had just been laid off from her job and was hesitant to take such a lavish trip. But, she did and she will be forever grateful. Shortly after their return her husband just didn’t wake up one morning. Her life was turned upside down.
Bevin created the DAMN framework to help others make the most of their lives now:
Bevin says we go through life confusing permission and support. We unconsciously ask people for permission to follow our dreams. If you ask someone who cares about you what they think of your dreams, they consider how they feel about it and if it's uncomfortable for them, they will start to eat away at it. But, we don't need permission. We need to decide what we want and ask for support.
Stay present in the moment and understand you are creating the experience of life through your own thoughts. We create our own suffering, our own joy, and our thoughts can change in an instant.
Bevin's advice to young women who want to find their soulmate but wait for a different day or put it off until tomorrow is to get clear about what they want. In dating, if you are clear about what you want you know when something is not right for you which is equally important.
Live a fully expressed life yet be open to the possibility of meeting the person you want to spend more time with.
Be willing to accept that your life will change when you are in a relationship.
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On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss this week’s Fantasy Suite episode. Matt James aka the robot shed a tear this week yet still refused to give Bri or Michelle an answer when they professed their love for him. Marni offers advice for when you encounter this type of behavior in your dating life.
Key takeaways from this episode:
At the beginning of the show, only Bri, Michelle, and Rachael remained for the fantasy suite date. The setup is an overnight date with no cameras so the possibility of sex exists.
Matt admits he is a bit guarded and probably a bit of a robot at the beginning of his conversation with his dad. Marni says it was weird to have that type of conversation on TV.
Matt is just now starting to realize he has some issues to work through. He is still in the victim phase blaming it on his father. Chris says Matt is still green, not ready to commit because he has never really had a girlfriend. It is almost as if Matt realized he is supposed to propose to a woman in two weeks and he is freaking out on the inside.
If you are dating someone who has issues when you mention a committed relationship be super-cautious.
Bri & Michelle tell Matt they are in love with him and ask him where he is at. He doesn't directly answer. He is just starting on his self-discovery journey. He is not ready to marry yet. Despite this revelation, Chris thinks he will make a great husband one day.
When dating, if you feel safe enough to tell a guy you love them and he doesn't acknowledge what you said, then moves in for a kiss you probably do not want to sleep with them at that point. You may not even want that kiss.
Only the ladies and Matt know if they had sex in the fantasy suite.
Chris says this was not a fun episode. The fantasy suite episodes in previous seasons were fun. Marni blames the producers for not being creative. The episode was boring even visually as everything looked the same. All three encounters were too formulated.
Chris drills Marni about why she picks on Matt so much. He asks if it would be better if Matt was saying stuff he doesn't mean? Why does she call him a f*%kboy when she could clearly see Matt's guilt when the girl walked away the next morning? Matt probably felt bad knowing the overnight meant more to the girl than to him.
Marni says of Matt James, he is charming and has potential. She doesn't think he is evil, but she believes he is a hit it and quit it type of guy.
In next week’s finale, Matt will decide between Michelle and Rachael.
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On this week's Dating Den, Marni speaks with New York-based Image Consultant and Personal Stylist for high achieving women, Melanie Lippman. Melanie advises clients about the clothes and self-talk to uplevel their confidence. She designs personal wardrobes for her clients that can eliminate overwhelm. She shares her best tips for dressing to increase your approachability factor.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Many women wear oversized clothes because of body image issues that started when they were just children. Little girls are sponges during our formative years and just one comment from an aunt or sibling and we are stuck with that limiting belief until we change it. Most of us experience this when we are going through a struggle, like the bad lighting in the fitting room.
Why do we fear calling attention to ourselves?
Melanie says when limiting beliefs about our bodies come up we should think about where those thoughts came from. Then approach style from the opposite direction and think about what style can do FOR us. Often we females, hurt ourselves with negative self-talk. We tend to focus on things we don't like when we look in the mirror and instead we need to focus on what lights us up.
Stop using clothes to hide, it's not what clothes are for.
Your personal style is all about being authentic and having fun with it. You don't want to feel like you are putting on a costume. Send the right message. Make sure the way you show up is in alignment with the message you want to send. Because if you don't it can come off as inauthentic and it causes distrust.
Clothing is the largest form of non-verbal communication. Make sure you are sending the message you want to be sending.
Marni mentions that she has several beautiful, curvy clients and they have a story about their body. They feel they need to wear oversized dresses to hide their body. Melanie relates because she used to wear clothes that were too big for her. She had to learn to dress for her body type.
You have to accept your body type and enjoy what you have.
Wearing bulky clothes or boxy clothes will make you look two sizes bigger than you actually are. A simple strategy to make you look and feel your best:
Melanie says, “our eyes seek symmetry”. And, with a few optical illusions, we can create that symmetry. Just changing a few little things allows us to dress confidently.
Many high-achieving women focus their wardrobe mainly on clothes for the office. These women have a ton of work clothes but when it comes to an outfit to go out on a date, they don’t know what to wear.
Melanie says that if this is you invest a little time and energy into finding out what the fun side of you wants to wear. What adjective would you want your weekend style to be? This is where you get to have fun. What is the fun version of you?
Remember these three tips:
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On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss the women’s tell-all episode and Matt James facial hair. This season is proving to be a letdown in the love department. We can only hope the season finale will offer some kind of twist with just Bri, Michelle, and Rachael left in the running for the soon-to-be lackluster proposal from Matt.
Key takeaways from this episode:
One aspect of the show everyone can agree on is no one likes Matt's beard. Not the girls, not the audience, and not Marni or Chris Gillis. And when you add that beard to his already weird kissing style it’s obvious that Matt may only be no more than a good-hearted f*c$boy.
When Matt kisses the girls he does not close his eyes. And admits to not knowing he was supposed to. Wait.......What? Marni says that it displays his lack of emotional availability and will make it hard for him to find love with any of the girls this season.
Data proves that relationships with bad kisses don’t last long.
The ladies got the opportunity to watch the episodes as they were shown to the audience. They were able to see why Chris calls his responses ‘surgical’ and Marni calls him the quintessential f*c$boy.
While Serena said Matt has a certain way of making you feel like you are really special. Piper spilled her heart open and asked Matt to answer for repeating the same lines to all the ladies.
Normally, at least one girl will call out the Bachelors for their experience but the ladies this season did nothing but praise Matt.
Queen Victoria had a moment when she commented on Matt’s advice when she left the show, "I hope you do some self-reflection." Victoria said screw you buddy, but she was leaking all over the place. She is a hot mess.
Be the person you want to attract.
Marni shares that she was a bit ticked-off by the discussion about women being too sensitive. Truth is, women have been receiving this message for their whole lives. Everyone has feelings and everyone gets to feel their feelings. It's more about what you do with the feelings, do you manage them, and articulate them in a healthy way?
If you are not emotionally available, if you have drama around you, or have your guard up you will attract guys who will do that to you or reinforce those beliefs. People can be mirrors for our emotional selves.
Piper said she was falling in love with Matt but admits she was already in love with him. She says ever since she was young she has always played it cool. She had her guard up. If you think a guy doesn't notice that you have your guard up, well you are wrong. It's noticeable. Chris says Piper, maybe, fell in love with the idea of being in love. We all do it.
There is no rule and every situation is different but you must remember that you are enough and you make the decision if the person is a fit for you. If that person isn't, even if he is hot, you decide if he is not enough.
No one wants to appear needy at the beginning of a relationship. We may let the other person drive while we are feeling people out. But exercise caution because it can quickly turn into a relationship where you don't ask for what you need. Chris uses Abigail’s style as an example.
Marni suggests using this language when a guy suddenly goes cold;
“Hey... I think we have fun and I like where this is going but I am kind of confused because it seems a little out of character for what we have been building together, and I want to make sure we are on the same page.”
Don't wait and wonder about what is happening. If a guy starts to pull away, don't be disempowered. Ask the question and say it in a way that doesn't put him on the spot. Then you know how he feels and has the opportunity to respond.
Don't make assumptions about where a relationship is going. Ask the question and be open to the consequences, even if it's painful.
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Because self-care is more than getting a manicure, Marni welcomes self-love and self-care experts Brooke Emery and Tammy Lawman into the Den. The duo has been recognized by Forbes as being connectors. They share the secrets of making meaningful connections in life and how to know your value, trust your intuition, and create a deep love and appreciation of yourself.
Key takeaways from this episode:
To create a self-love container a person needs to be their whole self without worrying about or changing to fit other people’s expectations of you. This means radically accepting who you are at your core by speaking your truth and getting clear about what you want.
Almost always, the things that bring us the most joy do not cost money. Make a list of the ways you find joy and gratitude. Then bring more joy and love into your day with mini-steps. You may not like doing the dishes but if you play your favorite song while you do them, you might just have fun.
Creating a self-love container is about individuals designing the life they want for themselves, not taking a cookie-cutter approach. What's the problem and what's the truth in how you feel about it? Do things that push your growth edges. If you lean into something you are scared of, the thing doesn't have control over you and it will give you a sense of freedom.
When your container is full and you don't have to look outside of you to create a feeling of fullness you can go into situations with a higher level of confidence. Connections will naturally happen and have flow.
Transactional partnerships don't always offer mutual respect.
Marni says in a dating situation your why is to learn about the other person and allow the other person to experience you. It is possible to create an upward spiral of fun juju so people want to be around you no matter what you do.
Use a date as an opportunity to show the other person you are genuinely curious about them.
Self-Care is Not Selfish! [22:19]
Some women believe if they take care of themselves first they are being selfish. But, it just is not true. It's like the example on an airplane, a parent should put the oxygen mask on themselves first. That way they can be of service to other people.
Put yourself in the energy of a goddess or queen.
If you are giving a possible future partner only half of yourself because you are exhausted at the end of the day, the person will feel it and it is not fair to them or you. You will have more to give and enjoy your life more if you have boundaries around your time.
No is a complete sentence. You don't have to add an excuse.
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On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss Matt’s latest lackluster performance. Creating connection requires warmth and he is cool as a cucumber. They also make their predictions of who will be the frontrunner in this dating contest. And, Marni extracts dating advice for your real-life scenarios.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Serena didn’t put herself, or Matt, at any risk of being emotional when she asked Matt about the Maple Leafs. The first time we saw this on the show was during the yoga date. Intimacy may not be her thing. But, kudos to her when she realizes Matt is not her person she excuses herself from the contest.
Marni wants to applaud her for telling Matt it wasn't going to work and she is not ready. During the telephone call with her mother, her mom said, ‘that last relationship really did a number on you didn’t it?’ If Serena is still wounded from her last relationship it could be what is holding her back from forging a connection.
Chris asks Marni how a woman knows that she is ready to date again after a gnarly breakup?
If you think you are ready try dating again if old stuff bubbles up, take another pause from dating. We all have baggage, it is OK.
Amy Cuddy, a Social Psychologist who studies body language says that there are two things people evaluate unconsciously: warmth and confidence. We try to figure out if the other person is trustworthy.
It made Marni think of Matt. Because he is not warm on the show and he does not show up as empowered or confident. Those are the three principles to creating connection with people.
Is there is a gap between who you are and who you think you are supposed to be when dating?
Lead with warmth, follow with confidence!
Bri opens up to Matt and says 'I love you', his response is ‘thank you for sharing’. That is his go-to phrase and Marni wanted to slap him for it. He seems really insincere that he says that as a response every time a girl gets vulnerable.
So, who do Marni and Chris think is the frontrunner after this past episode of the show? Both believe Matt will pick Rachel because during their date he said ‘I think I am falling in love with you.’
Data shows when two people experience the same thing for the first time together it creates intimacy.
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Marni welcomes the inspirational author of several books, including his newest, How Our Greatest Fear Becomes Our Greatest Gift: The Beauty of What Remains, Rabbi Steve Leder. Rabbi Steve gets to the heart of what is truly valuable in life. He also dispels common myths we have about death and dying,
Key takeaways from this episode:
Rabbi Steve shares examples of questions from his congregation with regards to life and death. His advice, he says, is always the same. In death as in life. There is a myth we carry that death changes everything, or that impending death can erase dysfunctional tendencies. He feels obligated to manage members' expectations and let them know that people tend to die exactly the way they live.
He says dying doesn't give anyone a new personality. Death changes everything and death changes nothing. If you have a tortured relationship with someone in life you are likely to feel relieved, not guilt when they die.
It is cognitive dissonance. It is irreconcilable. And making peace with the fact that something can not be reconciled, is in itself a reconciliation. It is a resolution. An additional step, is you can interrupt the intergenerational transmission of the dysfunction - it's soothing to the soul by asking yourself ‘what is the legacy you want to leave?’.
Rabbi Steve shares what he calls ‘the dirty little COVID secret’. It is that in some ways, COVID has made our lives better.
He uses his life as an example. His life was unsustainable. He, like many other people, fell prey to the belief that a busy life was a meaningful life. The changes that were brought on to thwart the pandemic forced people to spend more time at home and build better relationships.
The silver lining of the pandemic is that people don't have to wear uncomfortable clothes or spend time with people they don't care about at work.
Rabbi Steve says, there is always a blessing in the darkness. If you have to go through hell, don't come out of it empty-handed.
About the losses Rabbi Steve says, we all have lost our sense of invulnerability. We now realize how vulnerable we are. We have lost freedom, opportunities, and worst of all, we have lost the fundamental human need to hold and be held by the people we love.
There is no reason to feel guilty that your life is more beautiful as a result of a painful experience.
Death is the Great Teacher of Life [28:28]
In the end, no one wants your physical crap. People spend so much of their lives working hard to make money to buy things and collect things that at the end of our lives, nobody wants. Goodwill won't even take half of your old stuff.
Believing that our outer material life is our inner life or is a spiritual life is like trying to eat a picture of food. It won't nourish you. It's a mistake we are encouraged to make all day every day.
Marni asks Rabbi Steve how people can realign with what is important. He responds, one simple way is to walk through the cemetery and read the headstones. Even though we are all unique and different, the inscription headstones are mostly the same. You have to strip away all the nonsense when you are inscribing someone's headstone. Family is listed on the headstone, not your zip code, not your salary, and not your resume. What matters is the quality of relationships with a tiny handful of people who really matter.
Ask yourself, are you leading a meaningful life?
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On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris discuss why Matt James is finally making some decisions and releasing girls from the show. Did the producers prompt him, or have the girls finally had it with his indecision? Marni extracts the best real-life dating nuggets from this manufactured environment and shares them with us.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Did the producers give Matt a strong talking to or were the women so tired of his breadcrumbs they forced his hand? He went from constantly kicking the can down the road to making some clear choices and kicked some ladies out. Chris thinks the producers prodded him to make choices.
Marni applauds Kit, Abby, and Bri for being vulnerable and practicing good dating skills. Both girls shared something major from their lives and instead of being interested and sharing something from his own life, Matt replies with “thanks for sharing”. Bleh.
Matt further proves himself to just be a f*c#boy by moving his hand up the girls’ legs as he pseudo-listens to them being vulnerable.
All Matt shows is a hollow shell of a personality.
Bri Quits Her Job & a Series of Bad Dates [14:40]
Did Bri quit her job to become an Instagram influencer or to be closer to Matt? Chris says when a girl says something like that it is best not to respond. Maybe, she was taking the temperature of his interest in her? But, ladies, have a conversation with a guy before you move your home or quit your job for him.
Perfect is not sexy.
Marni points out the dates that appeared to be great for both Matt and his date but then he lets her go from the show. It’s easy for women to get confused with this type of behavior. And, then he gives a rose to an emotionally unavailable girl who didn’t enjoy a date at all. Ladies, if you experience this in real life, don’t take it personally. You don’t really want to date a Matt James type anyway.
Piper put herself out there and shared her true feelings with Matt. He said ‘thanks for sharing’ which gave her a bit of validation but then paid little to no attention to her after. Piper says she felt crushed by his actions and went into victim mode.
Marni says if something like this happens to you, it is okay to be crushed for a moment but then step back and realize you are lovable and worthy. You and that guy just weren't a match. Keep putting your heart out there. Because the right guy will appreciate it.
If you are dating someone whose actions don’t match their words, move on.
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Marni welcomes Host of the Tasty Kitchen and Founder of The Well-Traveled Palate Program, Natasha Ho into the Den to discuss cooking up connections in the kitchen.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Natasha says she seduced her husband with food. They bonded over the lunches she brought him as part of their courtship process. Being able to cook and care for someone is associated with the feminine. It is a turn-on for a man to be with a woman who can care for them in that way.
Many women don’t take care of themselves when it comes to cooking. For one, cooking is not just about caring for someone else it's also about how you nurture and love yourself.
3-steps to creating connection in the kitchen:
Eating is an opportunity to bring joy and connection when you do it with someone else. It's a great opportunity for you both to get in the kitchen. Natasha says that cooking together can take the pressure off of just one person. Collaborating in the kitchen is a great opportunity to let your guard down and be playful. Get your hands dirty together.
Not sure what to cook? Consider the amount of time a recipe takes. Look for recipes that can be completed in under an hour and have a limited amount of steps like stir fry, paella, or one-pot dishes.
During the pandemic, consider virtual cooking dates. Choose a place or culture and explore it through food. It's about being open and trying something new.
Taking Care of Yourself [25:29]
A big misconception is that cooking healthily means only having broccoli and chicken breast. There are plenty of colorful vegetables and luscious salad ingredients that taste great when spiced or cooked differently. Educate yourself on one new ingredient a month and try using it in a dish you have never made before.
Marni reminds us that we may have limiting beliefs about our cooking abilities that could be holding us back from finding joy in the kitchen. Consider changing your story around food and health.
It is OK if a meal doesn't come out great the first time. It is all about learning and cooking together.
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The Well-Traveled Palate Program with Natasha Ho
Join Natasha's free Facebook group Travel & Feast for more cooking ideas & tips: www.facebook.com/groups/travelandfeast
On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris give Bachelor Matt James the one-two punch. He is leading the girls on creating a false sense of intimacy with them but then only makes a play for the emotionally unavailable ladies. Marni points out the pink and red flags she sees on the show and offers advice on how to spot them in your dating life.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Some of the ladies seem to have forgotten that this experience is essentially a ‘dating’ game. It appears they are overcompensating for their limiting beliefs about what they deserve. Many believe if they get sent home it is a reflection of their self-worth or value.
In reality, it doesn't matter how awesome you are, if there is something that isn't working you may not be maximizing your opportunities. The women who will make it to the end are the ones who don't make mistakes because it is a competition.
Never feel like you were not enough for someone. You may not be the person for them but you ARE enough.
Chris asks Marni about the process of shaking off rejection. Understanding that some ladies are just naturally emotional, Marni says, “If you are the puddle on the floor person it is important to start looking at your patterns. Do you give all your power away to men all the time? Consider the core beliefs creating your feelings of not-enoughness. Do you have abandonment issues?”
You are enough!
So Many Pink and Red Flags on the Bachelor [17:47]
During the show, Heather does a pizza box dance. Her makeup was perfect. Chris says she was putting on a show just for the camera and the audience. Matt immediately gave the cold shoulder to the girls he was talking to and only paid attention to Heather. His actions and words don't mix. Matt has a pattern of physically removing himself from the ladies. Pink flags abound.
Matt James is attracted to the emotionally unavailable gals. The girls are trying to be vulnerable, but he is just a guy that leads women on.
Advice for the girls who are trying to figure Matt out, he may not be worth your time. Marni says he is a F*c$boy. If a guy seems too good to be true and he doesn’t share anything about himself, move on.
That type of guy can be nice. They are not purposefully malicious but they know how to get ladies to keep running back to them. Women can become emotionally attached because they get a shot of oxytocin and it creates a feeling of intense intimacy.
Chris says no matter how hard ABC is trying to sell Matt as Prince Charming it is not working. Matt is just another emotionally unavailable guy in a pretty package. Even Matt's Instagram followers ask him why he is so boring on the show.
Marni says Matt doesn’t seem to be looking for love, just an increase in followers. She doesn’t believe any relationship he gets into will last very long. He is like a computer and just wants to be liked.
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Marni welcomes international Sober Dating coach and host of the Anything for Love podcast, Katie Grimes into the Den. Katie is a thought leader of emotional sobriety. In her work, she mentors women to trust their intuition and to make miraculous shifts to break free from love addiction.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Katie describes her past dating experiences where she was caught in a cycle of overthinking or texting a guy who didn’t respond to her. She admits to having a love addiction before adopting a sober dating process. The key to overcoming love addiction is to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings because they are at the root of questionable actions.
Don't let your anxiety predict your future.
Most of our issues as adults stem from our childhoods. The things we needed as a child but didn’t get will resurface over and over in our adult relationships.
Marni asks how women can get through the anxiety of the moment. Katie says to ask yourself 'What do I need right now?" and to distract yourself with things you know will not hurt you, like physically sitting on your hands. Consider what you are doing to process through your feelings so you don't just eat, work or exercise through your feelings.
Intuition is making a decision that is very clear and easy to make. It is clear you know what you want. Fear creates a tennis match in your mind with fast-paced thoughts bouncing back and forth. Intuition is calm, peaceful, serene, and clear.
When you are in a fight or flight mode become aware of what state you are in. If you are anxious, verbally reach out to a trusted person.
Symptoms of Love Addiction [25:15]
Love addiction is a compulsive need to do something to make you feel loved, validated, and supported through affection or attention. Yet, when you try to take action you feel good for a second, and then you regret it.
An example of being love addicted is sleeping with someone you have chemistry with and expect an instant relationship. But, the next morning you feel like crap and question whether you should text or not.
Love addicts are not screwed up. They just desire the love they didn’t get as a child.
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On this week's Bachelor recap, Marni and Chris agree that Queen Victoria’s exit was a great example of what you don’t do when someone breaks up with you, that mean girl syndrome should be cancelled, and the Pretty Woman-inspired shopping date was an attempt to cause a disruption among the girls.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Marni voices her displeasure in the language the girls use to describe each other. The young women on the show seem to be leaking their insecurities all over the place. The mean girl thing should be cancelled. Is it real or an overproduced drama to keep people watching? Marni points out that women who speak poorly of others have low self-worth, and have not had their needs met. Chris admits he thinks that’s how all women are.
If you have drama in your life, are jealous, or if you compare yourself to others you have unresolved wounds.
Finally, Matt booted Queen Victoria. She seems shady anyway. Chris and Marni consider that she may not have been being herself and only playing a character. Maybe her Instagram followers increased, but she was over the top with bad acting on the show.
Marni’s Tips on How to be Rejection Proof:
If you haven't resolved the issues that are getting you stuck you will have the same result.
While Chris blushes when he thinks about Rachel, Marni admits she was grossed out by the shopping date incident on the show. The 'Pretty Woman' syndrome of expecting a guy to express his interest because he buys you stuff is so... 1990.
If you remember, Rachel said earlier she thought Matt was out of her league. Chris thinks they were trying to make her feel better by showering her with things to build her self-worth and make her feel better. Matt is attracted to her because he, too, is emotionally unavailable.
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